


Bluebird

by meliz875



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Abandonment, Alternate Universe, Angst, Complete, F/M, Family, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, Minor Character Death, My First Work in This Fandom, Romance, Sexual Content, Twilight Wolfpack, post New Moon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-09
Updated: 2014-01-29
Packaged: 2017-11-07 09:28:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 40
Words: 316,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/429467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meliz875/pseuds/meliz875
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bella and Jacob are together but an unforeseen tragedy rips them apart and Jacob leaves La Push. In his absence, Bella befriends and is comforted by the person she least expects. Will Jacob return? Can Bella imagine her life with someone she never considered a choice?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Family

**Author's Note:**

> This story is set some time after New Moon and ignores Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. In other words, Bella doesn't jump and Edward never comes back. Bella's relationship with Jacob progressed as it should have. I know you've all read a million of these stories, but stick with me — this story is a journey. The characters are flawed. They will make mistakes, but they will learn from them. They will grow, and every test and obstacle they face will lead to something. :)
> 
> If you're wondering where the title of this story came from, I'd encourage you to listen to "Bluebird" by Christina Perri — I drew a lot of my original inspiration from the lyrics.
> 
> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

_**Suggested Listening: "Bluebird" by Christina Perri, "Howlin' For You" by The Black Keys, "Destiny" by Zero 7** _

As I climbed out of my rusty old truck, I couldn't help but tip my head back and close my eyes, letting the unusual abundance of sunshine spill over my face. It felt unreal, but I let it warm me to the very core.

Days like today were few and far between in the Olympic Peninsula. Rain, clouds and perpetual dreary weather in Forks and La Push were more predictable then the changing of the tides. In fact, I couldn't remember the last time there were so few clouds in the sky. A few peeks of sunshine here and there generally were all we got in these parts. The abundant sunlight made me nostalgic. It used to make me miss Phoenix terribly, where I used to live, but now, it simply meant more. My appreciation for those rare moments allowing my pale skin to soak up every ounce of vitamin D it could mirrored my appreciation toward the life I was now living.

Namely, my appreciation for this little red house I stood before and the family who called it home.

I tore my face away from the warm light and opened my eyes. The comfort and feeling of peace that washed over me every time I saw this house still amazed me. I smiled at nothing in particular as I shoved my hands in the pockets of my jacket and trotted toward the front porch.

Today was going to be an amazing day.

I let myself in to the modest home shared by Billy Black and the reason behind many of my amazing days – his son, Jacob. I was there to cook them both breakfast, just as I did every Saturday morning. Between the two of them, they could barely cook an egg and my dad, Charlie, usually didn't put up much of a fight when it came to sacrificing his own weekend breakfast – so long as he had his turn Sunday morning. I smiled to myself. The men in my life were definitely spoiled.

"Bella, is that you?"

The exuberant smile remained on my face as I shut the door behind me and Billy came wheeling down the hall in his chair. His aged, wise features danced when he saw me. "Hey, Billy." I shrugged out of my jacket and tossed it on the coat rack hook before walking toward the kitchen, leaning down and giving Billy a peck on the cheek on my way by. "So what'll it be this morning?" I asked, opening the fridge out of curiosity. "Pancakes? Omelets?"

"Bells, honey, if he says anything about you making some kind of nasty egg bake thing with everything but the kitchen sink in it, you just politely tell him where to put it, k?"

I grinned and peered over the refrigerator door as Jacob came into view, pushing his father the rest of the way down the hall and settling him into his spot at the head of the kitchen table. I also felt a familiar warmth creep through my body as I watched Jacob approach me. Naturally, he may have only been 17 but the maturity of his features said otherwise. I couldn't help but ogle his beautiful russet skin, dark eyes and the well-defined muscles that peeked out from the sleeves of his black t-shirt.

But it wasn't just his appearance. His presence twisted my stomach into dozens of pleasant knots, which quickly became overshadowed by a calming sense of peace and contentment. I only had to look at Jacob to know this was right where I belonged. He was my better half, my sun, my soul mate.

I blinked a few times, recovering from my trance as Jacob slid his arms around my waist and pressed his lips to mine, welcoming me with several soft, warm kisses. I smiled against his lips as they moved against mine. He then nipped playfully at my bottom lip, causing me to plant a hand on his chest and gently push him away. I could feel my cheeks blush a deep crimson at his disregard concerning public displays of affection occurring in the same room as his father.

I cast a mortified glance at Billy. He hadn't even noticed as he was thumbing through an old newspaper he found on the table. Jacob chuckled, knowing exactly why I pushed him away. "Love you too, honey," he mumbled playfully, reaching up and stroking my cheek before walking past me to the sink where he proceeded to fill up a glass of water for himself.

I shook my head and bit my lip, turning back to the fridge. "How about pancakes? Those are super easy to make and I can make a lot of them quickly."

"Perfect," Jake exclaimed, sitting the empty glass on the counter as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Anything you make will be perfect, Bells, but I'll be honest – my stomach's about to digest itself here, so you better get on it."

As he grinned at me, I rolled my eyes. "You're such a drama queen, Jacob Black."

"Did I hear someone say _pancakes_?"

I heard the front door open loudly – so hard it slammed against the wall – as Quil Ateara, one of Jacob's best friends, sauntered in, a goofy grin on his face and one eyebrow cocked expectantly at the thought of scoring a free breakfast. "Embry, did _you_ hear someone say pancakes?"

Trailing through the door behind Quil was Embry Call, Jacob's other best friend. His trademark crooked smile splayed shyly across his lips as he carefully shut the door behind him. When he saw me eyeing him and Quil from my post in front of the fridge, he winked in my direction. "Oh, yeah. I definitely heard something about pancakes."

I chuckled as I watched Jacob's two friends. The two were very different, despite a few similarities. While both had Native American features comparable to Jake's – dark eyes, dark hair and flawless russet skin – Quil was short and brawny. His hair was cut short yet still maintained a certain amount of curl, which made him appear younger than his friends. Embry was thin and tall. His hair wasn't as short as Quil's and hung haphazardly over his forehead and ears. Unlike Quil's pronounced and bulky muscles, Embry's were long and lean in congruence to his features.

"Well, then I guess we're right on time!" Quil exclaimed, trotting into the kitchen and slapping Jake, who had turned to get another glass of water, on the back on his way to a kitchen chair.

I pulled the milk out of the fridge and shut the door as Embry followed his friend to the kitchen. His offered me a shy yet friendly smile. "Hey, Bells," he murmured as he squeezed past me in the small kitchen.

"Hey, Em," I replied, awarding him with a friendly smile in return.

Billy looked up from his newspaper as Embry plopped into the seat next to Quil. "So what brings you boys by so early?" he asked, his eyes flicking toward Jake, who was leaning against the sink, a second glass of water still resting in his hands.

"We're making a trip to the junkyard for parts after breakfast," Jacob replied nonchalantly.

"Yeah, since Sam gave us the day off, we figured we'd use the time to catch up work on the Ranger," Embry added, reaching for the remnants of the newspaper on the table. He thumbed through the black and white newsprint until he found the sports section.

Saturdays off for Embry, Jacob _and_ Quil were few and far between. In the past year, I'd definitely adjusted to the schedule that accompanied having a boyfriend who morphed into a supernatural animal to serve as protector of the Quileute tribe. Whether I liked it or not, I really had no choice in the matter.

When I first found out about the secret shared by Jake and his best friends – a secret also possessed by four additional people currently not crammed into the Blacks' kitchen – I took the news of their shape-shifting tendencies rather well. After dating a vampire and being abandoned by him and his immortal family, nothing surprised me – not even the fact my boyfriend and his friends all morphed into gigantic, furry wolves capable of tearing a vampire limb from limb.

But the three of them having a chunk of free time to spend on two legs together _did_ surprise me. Sam, the pack's Alpha, often had them patrolling at different times and at all hours of the night, so the three of them having an entire weekend day off - or even a few hours during the day – at the same time was a genuine rarity.

"That should be fun for you guys!" I exclaimed, moving toward the cupboard above the stove where I knew I would locate the flour and other ingredients needed to whip up pancakes.

"Yeah," Jacob agreed, a hint of feigned exasperation in his voice. I felt him sneak up behind me as his arms encircled my waist and nose nuzzled my hair. "Since someone has to be the responsible adult and work today, I guess I don't have much of a choice other than to spend my day off with these two clowns."

I grinned as Quil and Embry let out cries of mock indignation behind us. "Hey, I resemble that statement!" Quil quipped, earning him a laugh from Embry and Jake and an amused smile from Billy.

"Well, at least that makes one of us who is responsible," I teased, turning in his arms and allowing him to plant a kiss on my forehead. He took it a step further, though, and leaned down, capturing my lips in an urgent kiss. "Jake!" I hissed, feeling my cheeks blush red for the second time that morning.

"Ewww! Get a room, you two. Seriously!"

"Shut the hell up, Quil. What are you, like, five?" Jacob retorted, his eyes not leaving mine and the grin remaining on his face. "You know how hard it is to keep my hands to myself when it comes to you," he whispered, cupping my cheek in his hand and leaving a swift peck on the tip of my nose.

"What? I'm just saying," Quil exclaimed, still stuck on Jake's reprimand. "Not that you really need one anyway, since I'm pretty sure Bella's never gonna give it up to you…"

My cheeks caught fire as Jacob swung around and in two steps had Quil in a headlock. Sure, we'd been dating a little over a year now but we hadn't yet reached that level in our relationship. It wasn't as if I had moral objections to it, I just didn't see the need in rushing into it. _Lack of privacy didn't help either_ , I thought, eyeing Billy and Jacob's friends. Regardless, Jake respected it and he respected me, but it didn't make him immune to his fair share of ribbing from his pack mates.

"What? What was that, Quil? I can't hear you! You wanna try saying that again?" His grip around Quil's neck didn't lessen, but there was a huge grin on Jacob's face as he clamped down on his struggling friend.

"I said…" Quil choked out, grasping frantically at Jake's arm to free his airway. "…not like you need one…" He began to flail, which only resulted in Quil tumbling from his chair, the weight of him knocking Jake off balance as he went down. Embry didn't help the situation much as he merely pushed Quil out of the way, not even looking up from his box scores as the pair fell in a heap in the middle of the kitchen floor.

"I can't hear you, Ateara!" Jake goaded, wrapping his legs tightly around Quil's waist and leaning back in what I was sure was some wrestling move they'd been using on each other since they were kids. Jacob's grip around Quil's neck tightened and Quil let out a gurgled cry.

"Boys…" Billy's warning tone was clear, although he barely looked up from his paper. "If you kick a hole in one of my cupboards, both your butts will be cutting and hauling firewood for a week."

Groaning, Jake released his hold on Quil and roughly pushed him away before jumping to his feet. Quil was chuckling obnoxiously as he brushed off his shirt, happily accepting Embry's outstretched hand to help him off the floor. "I almost had you, Black," he sneered.

Jake snickered as he leaned against the countertop. "Whatever, dude. You're such a pansy," he muttered goodnaturedly as he shoved Quil back toward his chair.

Quil straightened out his t-shirt and brushed it off. "Yeah, well, at least I still have my balls…"

I shook my head as round two commenced.

* * *

"Jesus, Bella, those were good pancakes."

I smiled to myself as Quil leaned back in his chair, stretching one arm over his head and rubbing his stomach with the other hand. I eyed the empty serving plate in the middle of the table, which moments earlier had been stacked high with pancakes – twice. With two humans and three supernatural appetites at the table, it didn't surprise me one bit that there wasn't a single pancake to survive the onslaught.

"Agreed," Embry murmured, guzzling the last bit of his orange juice. "You've outdone yourself again, Bella."

"Thanks, guys," I said, stabbing a bite of my own breakfast with my fork and swirling it around the leftover maple syrup on my plate. Across the table, Billy was still working on his own stack as he reached for the sugar-free syrup to add more to the remnants on his plate. "If you're still around when I get back from work tonight, you just might get treated to supper, too."

"Don't tell them that," Jake moaned, pushing his chair back and standing up to take his plate to the sink. "These two will eat us out of house and home if you let them."

"Jake," Billy admonished. "Embry, Quil, you know you're both welcome over here whenever you please. I rather enjoy having a full house once in awhile, even if you boys do try to destroy everything in it."

I smiled at the twinkle in Billy's eye as he watched Jake, Embry and Quil. I knew there was a part of Billy that disliked the amount of time he spent at home alone. Jake's mother, Sarah, died when Jake was young and his twin sisters, Rachel and Rebecca, were now living their lives away from La Push and only made it back for the occasional visit. At this juncture in his life, Jake's friends and I were the closest thing Billy could get to having a family back under his roof. There were times I'd find myself at the little red house even when Jake wasn't due back from patrol for several hours. I'd make dinner for Billy and invite Charlie and the three of us would enjoy a good meal, laughs and hours of conversation.

But Quil and Embry had been around a lot longer than me. The stories they shared with one another were enough to fill several books. Over the years throughout Embry and Jake's friendship, Billy was almost like a surrogate father to Embry, who spent his entire life being raised by only his mother, who moved to La Push from the Makah Reservation years ago just before Embry was born.

I never questioned Embry's role in the wolf pack until Jake explained it to me one day, why Embry's first phase came as quite a surprise to the Quileute elders and other members of the pack. Since his mother wasn't a member of the tribe and always told Embry his father was someone she dated very briefly back on the Makah Reservation, her explanation quickly became null and void when Embry phased. The gene could only be passed on through direct descendants of the Quileute tribe, which meant Embry's father had to be Quileute. The worst part, Jake told me, was the gene remained in only a few bloodlines. This meant there were only three men who could be Embry's father – Sam's father, Quil's father or Billy.

It made sense when Jake told me and referred to it as "the worst part." All three men were married when Embry was born. This fact alone kept a lid on ever finding out the truth regarding Embry's paternity. No one speculated – at least not out loud – and no one asked questions, and that included Embry. No one wanted to be the cause of such upheaval within the tribe.

A larger part of me thought there was no way Billy would ever do such a thing to his family. But then there were moments – moments like now as we all sat around the breakfast table, as his twinkling eyes rested a little too long on Embry – a part of me couldn't help but wonder.

"Thanks, Billy." Quil's voice, dripping with sarcasm directed at Jake, brought me back to the present. "At least someone here as enough sense to make sure I'm well fed."

Jake chuckled as he took my empty plate from in front of me to put in the sink. His eyes shone when I smiled up at him in gratitude. "Well, now that you're chubby ass is well-fed," he said to Quil as he turned away, "can we get this show on the road? It's like an hour's drive to the junkyard."

"No kidding," Embry said quietly, jumping to his feet. "The sooner we can get this truck running, the sooner I can quit hoofing it everywhere when I'm on two legs." He, too, took his plate to the sink and turned around, looking at Quil expectantly.

"Fine," Quil groaned, pushing back his chair and following suit.

"Great!" Jake exclaimed, clapping his hands and rubbing them together. "Let me go grab my keys and I'll meet you two outside." As he jogged past me, he stooped down and landed a quick kiss on the top of my head before disappearing down the hall.

I stood as Quil and Embry shuffled out of the kitchen toward the front door. I shot a quick smile at Billy. "I'll be back to get these dishes washed before I leave," I assured him.

"No hurry, Bella," he said, holding up his hand and shaking his head gently.

I followed Embry and Quil outside to the front porch. Jake was cursing something down the hall as I walked by, and I could hear the sound of things being thrown as he searched for his keys. I chuckled to myself as I walked outside into the warm early June air to find Embry and Quil walking toward Jacob's Volkswagen Rabbit, which was parked out by the garage.

"SHOTGUN!"

"Whatever, man! I totally called it!"

"What? No, you didn't!"

"I did! You didn't hear me when we come out of the house?"

"No, I didn't. Everyone around has to hear you call it, therefore it doesn't count. So, naturally, by the rules of calling shotgun, I get shotgun, not you."

"You are so full of _crap_ , Call! You totally heard me call it!"

"Give it a rest, Quil. You lost it, fair and square."

"BOTH you girlies give it a rest!" I jumped as Jake's booming voice exploded from directly behind me. "Or you'll BOTH be riding in the backseat!" I felt his arms snake around my waist, pulling my back flush with his stomach. "Ugh," he breathed softly in my ear, causing me to shiver. "Please tell me I don't have to spend the entire day with these two idiots."

"You do," I replied matter-of-factly, reaching behind me and stroking his neck. "And they're not idiots. You love them. Just yesterday, you were going on and on about this trip. You literally would not shut up about it, so don't pretend like you're not excited."

Jake sighed. "Yeah, yeah. Sometimes it bugs me how well you know me, Bells." With that, he spun me around in his arms and I wrapped mine around his neck. "Sure you don't want to come? I can always call Newton's and pretend to be Charlie. A good, old-fashioned day of playing hooky never hurt anyone."

I laughed. "Thanks, Jake, but you know I can't."

"You're seriously no fun."

"Guilty as charged," I replied, my grin spreading farther across my face. I knew what he was doing, and it wasn't going to work. "Go. Have fun with the guys. I'll be back here as soon as I get off work tonight."

"You better," Jake murmured, bringing his fingers up to stroke my cheek. I let out a long exhale and closed my eyes, relaxing into his hand. A moment later, I felt Jake's hot breath on my lips and he leaned down to kiss me goodbye. For a moment, now that we didn't have an audience, the sunshine, Embry and Quil's bickering, and everything else surrounding us slipped away as I was immersed in Jacob's earthy smell and tender presence. It was me who closed the gap between us, pressing my lips to his and pulling him tighter to me. His lips moved familiarly against mine, as if we had been kissing each other our entire lives, and it wasn't long before I found myself intoxicated by the feeling spreading throughout my body. I deepened the kiss, allowing him to run his tongue along my bottom lip before permitting it access to intertwine with mine.

A throat clearing behind us obliterated the moment as quickly as it began.

As Jake's lips fell motionless against mine, I groaned into his mouth. A deep, throaty chuckle escaped him as he realized this time, I was more annoyed by the interruption than he was. Opening my eyes, I threw a glance over my shoulder to see Quil standing at the bottom of the porch steps, hands in his pockets and a stupidly pleased look on his face.

"Your timing is impeccable, Quil, as always," I grumbled, turning back toward Jacob.

"Yeah, so we need to get a move on," he said slyly, rocking back on his heels and staring at some invisible spot toward the side of the house. "There's only so many hours in the day, you know."

I sighed heavily as Jake whispered in my ear and hitched his thumbs in the belt loops of my jeans. "I gotta go, Bells."

I turned back to face him. "You gotta go," I repeated, one corner of my mouth turning up in a slight smile.

Grinning again, Jake kissed my forehead before taking a couple steps back and turning the upper half of his body away from me. "See you later, Dad!" He called into the house. "We'll be back this afternoon!" He faced me again, stooped for a quick peck on my lips and hurried past me down the steps.

"Drive careful!" I called, turning to face the yard as Jake and Quil walked toward the car where Embry stood waiting with his arms leaning on top of it, absentmindedly drumming his fingers on the roof.

"I will!" Jake called back, turning to face me while he continued walking backwards. "Love you, Bells!"

I smiled softly at his retreating figure. "Love you, too."

Once all three were in the car and Jake started the engine, I turned and went back into the house. I found Billy still sitting in the exact spot we'd left him, now perusing the very last page of the newspaper. I smiled as I took his syrupy plate from in front of him and placed it in the sink. I located the drain stopper and plugged the sink, flipping on the hot water to begin filling it for dishes.

"Charlie stopping by later?"

I looked over my shoulder and smiled at Billy. "I think so. You two had plans to do some fishing this afternoon, didn't you?"

"We talked about it, I just wasn't sure he was still planning to," Billy replied.

"Well, when I left this morning, his rods were propped up against the door, so I think it's safe to assume he's still planning to." When Billy nodded in acknowledgement, I reached for the dish soap and squirted a pinch into the water.

"Thank you again for breakfast, Bella."

"You're welcome. It was no trouble," I replied, glancing behind me again.

Billy put his paper down and looked at me keenly. "I know, but I just want you to know that I appreciate it. Honestly, I'm not sure what Jake and I would do without you here to take care of us."

I felt my lips crack into another smile. "I'm sure you two would get by just fine. You did before I moved back here."

"While that may be true, it's also beside the point," Billy reacted softly. "What I'm trying to say, Bella, is I am thankful you're a part of Jacob's life. I'm thankful you are a part of this family."

I felt the unfamiliar warmth of tears burn the corner of my eyes as I stared at Billy, who was looking at me with what could only be described as a look a man would give his daughter. A pleasant knot formed in my stomach as I stared at the father of the most important part of my life.

"Thank you, Billy. That means a lot to me," I squeaked out, reaching up to catch a rogue tear with the back of my hand. "I'm really thankful you and Jake are in my life, too." With the exultant smile still on my face, I turned back to my chore.

In that moment, in all my gratitude and happiness, there was no way I could have known. There was no way I could have predicted that in only a few short hours, everything in that life – the life I had come to so dearly love – would change so completely.

* * *


	2. Gone

Eight hours later, I was on my way back to La Push.

Things were different now.

The world was suddenly an entirely different place.

My hands gripped the steering wheel of my truck so hard I barely noticed my knuckles turn white and fingers start to go numb. My eyes focused intently, burned on the familiar road ahead me, the road leading away from Forks and to La Push. I was inwardly thankful for the hundreds of times I had driven this road, because right now I couldn't concentrate on the black concrete, the cracks splayed every which way, or the trees rushing past the windows.

My mind was somewhere else. My mind was on the phone call I had received only 20 minutes earlier as I stocked hiking boots at Newton's Outfitters. My mind was on the far-away voice of Charlie as he struggled, held back the emotion as he spoke the words through my cell phone that stabbed straight to the depths of my soul.

" _Bella, Billy had a heart attack after you left the house this morning…he's gone. Bells, honey, he's gone…."_

Scorching hot tears began to cloud my vision as I repeated the words over and over in my head. _Billy. Heart attack. Gone._ How was it even possible? I had just seen him this morning. I made pancakes, I watched him smile as he watched us eat, I watched him read the newspaper. I watched him tell me how thankful he was to have me in his and Jacob's life.

_Jacob._

The tears threatening my eyes managed to overspill at that moment. I should have been there with Jake when it happened, when he got the phone call. Charlie said he called him as soon as he got to the hospital. Charlie had arrived at Billy's just after lunchtime. When he walked in, he found him on the kitchen floor. _Just lying there – not moving, not breathing._

God, if only I had just called in sick.

I needed to be with Jake now, which is why I had shut my cell phone as Charlie choked a goodbye and quietly told Mike Newton, my friend and coworker, I had to leave. He asked if everything was okay, and I shook my head. My mind played back the conversation between the two of us.

" _I…uh…I, I gotta go," I stammered, setting the box of hiking boots on the floor. I pushed past Mike and headed toward the office, suddenly feeling disoriented. I knew Mike was following me as I entered the office and grabbed my jacket from the rack next to the desk. I draped the jacket over the manager's chair and pulled my vest off, hanging it in the same place my jacket rested moments before. Then, for a moment, I just stood there, suddenly unsure of what I was supposed to do next.  
_

_Mike stood in the doorway, holding his palms up expectantly as I recovered, reaching for and shrugging into my jacket. "Bella, where are you going?"_

_I swallowed, although I'm sure it only succeeded in pushing my heart further into my stomach, where it had dropped as Charlie told me what happened._

" _Bella!" Mike cried out, the uneasiness rising in his voice. "You can't just leave the store. You're the only other person here today…"_

_I held up my hand to silence him after zipping up my jacket. "Uh…I gotta..um…I gotta go to La Push…now…I gotta go now," I stammered. "Jake….Jacob's dad is dead." My voice choked on the last word.  
_

_Mike shut up and his mouth closed with a snap. A flicker of understanding – or sympathy – flashed in his eyes. He nodded a couple times. "Yeah. Yeah, of course you should go. Sorry, Bella. Give Jake my condolences."_

" _Yeah, I…um…" It was like someone had severed the path between my brain and my tongue. I couldn't even form a coherent thought, although my mind was going a mile a minute, but it only was screaming one thing – Jacob, Jacob, you need to get to Jacob now. You need to be with him right now, making sure he is okay._

_Okay - I had silently scoffed at the sound of the word in my head. Of course he wasn't going to be okay. His father - his kind, gentle, wise father - was dead. Jacob had already lost his mother. Even though he was very young when it happened, his mother's death had always left some small void in Jacob's life._

_And now he had lost Billy._

My mind resurfaced from my recollection, and I was back on the road to La Push. I viciously swiped the tears from my eyes. I drew in a deep breath. It was ragged, but I managed to focus on the road as I rounded a bend. I was almost there.

Seconds later, the house came into view. I pulled my truck into the long, gravel driveway. There was no sign of activity outside the small, red house. The windows were dark. I scanned the area to see if anyone was around. Jacob's Rabbit sat parked near the garage, the same garage we had spent many consecutive days in just months ago. Billy's truck was near the side of the house.

My stomach wretched at the last thought. _Billy_. He was such a good man. The memories overpowered me. I remembered his kind smile, the pride in his voice as we sat around the campfire and he told us the history of the Quileute tribe. I remembered his eyes, how they sparkled when he looked at me, when he saw Jacob and I together.

I shuddered as I pulled my truck to a stop in front of the house. Much to my surprise, the front door opened and a tall figure appeared in the doorway. My breath hitched – I had no idea what I was going to say to Jacob, I had no idea how I would comfort him.

But as the figure stepped closer into the light, I realized it wasn't Jacob – it was Embry.

I climbed out of my truck and shut the door behind me. As I approached the front porch, my eyes caught Embry's. They were glazed over, clouded with uncertainty. This shook me as they usually were dancing with laughter and happiness. This resemblance of Jacob's best friend was there, but _he_ wasn't.

He managed a forced smile when our gazes locked. "Hey, Bella."

I smiled in return. "Hey, Embry." Our brief exchange was followed with what seemed like an eternity's worth of silent moments. I slowly walked up the front steps, deciding to break the silence as my feet finally hit the porch. I had no idea what to say to him either. "Is Jake here?" I finally squeaked

Embry shook his head. "He, uh…we were at the hospital after it happened. The doctors came in, and the look on their faces pretty much said it all…." Embry stopped for a moment, taking a ragged breath.

My stomach wretched again. I felt like I would vomit.

Embry continued. "Jake just lost it. The doctors didn't have to say anything. It was a massive heart attack. They paramedics worked on him, but it was too late. They didn't know how long he'd been down before Charlie found him. The doctors kept saying they were sorry…."

"Embry," I said, quietly interrupting him. "Where is Jake?"

Embry shook his head in a rough, exaggerated motion. "I don't know. We were at the hospital, and he just left…just took off. I came back here first thing, drove the car back. Quil phased, talked to Sam. The whole pack is out looking for him, but no one can hear him. He might not be phased, but I don't know. I just figured I should stick around here in case he comes home."

I nodded in agreement. "That's probably for the best, Embry. Charlie called me just a little bit ago - I came as soon as I heard."

"That's good," Embry said to no one in particular, trying to force another small smile.

I again found myself unsure of what to say. Embry's gaze had traveled to his feet, where he was kicking at a stray rock on the wooden planks of the porch. I searched my mind for something – anything.

"You hungry?" I finally spoke.

Embry's face twisted, as if he was contemplating the possibility. "Not really. But I'm sure the pack will be here soon. We all agreed to meet here once they're done looking for Jake. He has to come home eventually. Maybe you could start something? I'm sure they'll be hungry when they get here."

I nodded and reached out, placing my hand on Embry's arm and giving it a light, affectionate squeeze. I still wasn't grasping the severity of this, the actuality of how backward things suddenly were. "Okay - let's go inside."

* * *

If anything, cooking provided an adequate distraction from what was unfolding before me.

I kept looking at the hallway out of the corner of my eye, half-expecting Billy to come wheeling around the corner any second and ask me what was for dinner, just as he had that morning before breakfast. It took me a fraction of a moment to realize it wasn't going to happen. My stomach tightened, the tears resurfaced, and I swallowed the thick lump in my throat.

My mind was again bombarded with memories, good and bad. The memories had led me to this place in my life, the spot I was standing in right now.

I remembered flashes of the past year. I recalled the night in March, almost 15 months ago. It was the night Harry Clearwater died, the last time any of the Quileutes had come face to face with death. Jacob and the other members of the pack were hunting a sadistic vampire that wanted me dead. Jacob had stopped by my house in Forks to check on me and seek some solace for himself as the news of Harry's death was hard to bear for the entire pack.

I was standing in my kitchen against the sink when he kissed me for the first time, asking me to stay with him forever.

It wasn't long after that night I realized I needed Jacob in my life as more than my friend. He was my air, my sun. He stitched me up, stopped the bleeding when Edward Cullen and his family disappeared without a trace the previous September. Our relationship was easy and with him, we completed one another without even trying. I could be myself with him and he accepted every little piece of me, even the broken ones.

Today, the hole in my chest was long gone, a distant memory that rarely, if ever, appeared. While there was still a tiny sliver of my heart that would never return to me, the crack left behind was completely sealed and what was left wholly belonged to Jacob.

The relationship between Jacob and I blossomed slowly but steadily. Our affection for one another grew into love and soon, I couldn't imagine my life without Jacob, his father and the rest of the wolf pack in it. Throw in Charlie and I was content with my perfect version of a family. I was no longer known as the Vampire Girl – I was simply Bella.

For the past year, I took a few classes online from a community college in Port Angeles. I kept busy while Jacob was preoccupied with the pack and trying to stay caught up in school, which was no easy feat considering Sam had each pack member running patrols at least once a day, every day of the week, although the threat of vampires had been non-existent for months. We saw each other as much as we could considering the hectic pace of both of our lives.

Despite the chaos, our lives went day by day at a normal, predictable pace. It was almost boring, but I didn't care – I preferred it that way. There was comfort in the familiar, in the known.

But now I was standing in the Blacks' kitchen and it was if I could feel my entire world spinning off its axis, and I knew it was inevitable Billy's unexpected death was going to knock the life we all knew right off its foundation.

As my mind drifted back to the present, I remembered my task at hand and threw everything I had into focusing. I found a large package of chicken in the refrigerator and settled on frying it. I also peeled a number of potatoes and put them in a pot to boil. Fried chicken and mashed potatoes. _Comfort food._

Since Jacob and I were together, Charlie spent a lot of time at the Black home. It was no secret how much I was here and how much I loved to cook for Billy and Jake, and Charlie missed my cooking at home. The man could barely operate a microwave properly so it really came as no surprise that he didn't mind spending more time at Billy's. He had his daughter, his best friend and dinner all under one roof.

My throat started to close as I thought about the four of us sitting around the dinner table, Jacob and I laughing till our sides hurt as Billy and Charlie argued over which one had been the bigger "ladies man" in high school. It took all my strength to choke back the tears as I looked at Billy's empty spot at the kitchen table, knowing he would never again occupy it.

The phone rang a couple times as I cooked. Embry would appear from the living room and answer it each time. The first time it was Emily Young, Sam's fiancée, asking if Jacob had come home yet and letting Embry know she hadn't seem him either. The second time was the hospital needing to know if a funeral home had been contacted. Embry just said he would talk to "Billy's son", who would let the hospital know.

As the first batch of chicken was cooling, Embry wandered into the kitchen, sneaking up next to me. "Smells good," he murmured, eyeing the plate. Without another word, he picked up a small piece and gingerly sampled it. The rest of the piece was gone moments later.

Embry didn't know he had always been one of my favorite members of the pack. Ever since the day I met him and Quil in Jake's garage, I liked him. Embry was quiet; he didn't shoot his mouth off at every opportunity like Paul or Jared did. He had a sense of humor, but it wasn't dirty or immature like Quil's. His personality was sweet and lighthearted, unlike Sam, who was always so serious. He was a faithful friend and through his camaraderie with Jacob, he'd earned my respect and my trust.

It was almost 7 p.m. before the rest of the pack showed up. Each one trudged into the house, somber expressions on their face, greeting Embry with a slight shake of their heads. When they saw me in the kitchen, I got the same forced smile Embry had given me when he saw me get out of my truck that afternoon. I'm sure they appreciated I was there, but I was positive the same concerns weighed heavily on their minds. _Where was Jacob? Was he okay? What's going to happen now that Billy is gone?_

I was draining the water from the potatoes when Embry returned to the kitchen. He leaned against the fridge and bent forward slightly, rubbing his face with his hands before running them through his hair. His shoulders sagged heavily from the weight of what was unfolding. "Bella, is there anything I can do to help? I need a distraction."

I gave him a sympathetic smile. "Sure, Em. You want to mash these potatoes for me?"

Embry looked at me thankfully. "Yes, please." I handed him the masher and after a few words of instruction, watched as he attacked the potatoes – potatoes that didn't stand a chance against his supernatural strength.

 _Werewolves_ , I thought to myself. Thinking of the boys as wolves made me think of Billy as we all sat around a bonfire on First Beach, listening to him share the legends of the tribe. His eyes would sparkle at me from across the flames as he taught us of the ties binding the members of the pack, bonds stronger than blood.

I felt a sob rise in my chest as I pulled the last pieces of chicken from the hot oil. I swallowed it down as quickly as it appeared. _No, Bella_ , I scolded myself. _There's a time and a place for that – this is not it._

"Now what?"

I turned to find Embry standing next to the pot of potatoes, now completely mashed. Despite the solemn atmosphere of the kitchen a moment earlier, he grinned a little bit as he stood wielding the masher, covered in the creamy potatoes, in his right hand like a weapon.

I smiled in spite of myself. "Now we take the potatoes out of the pot and put them in a bowl, then add the milk, salt and butter."

Embry stood patiently, holding the pot as I spooned the steaming potatoes into a large ceramic bowl. As he put the pot in the sink and filled it up with hot water, I retrieved the remaining ingredients for the potatoes from the fridge. As I joined Embry at the counter, I heard the front door open and close and a new set of voices join the pack members scattered around the living room. My breath hitched as I listened for the familiar baritone I would know anywhere.

A moment later, Emily poked her head into the kitchen. When she saw my wide eyes and expectant face, she sighed and shook her head. "No luck. Sam just came and picked me up. He and Leah didn't pick up anything on the outer perimeter."

My heart sank. Behind me, I heard Embry take a labored breath and I mustered enough strength to nod. "Thanks, Emily. I'm making dinner for everyone. I figured everyone would be hungry once they got back from looking."

Emily smiled warmly. "That was very thoughtful of you. Do you need any help?"

I threw a glance over my shoulder at Embry, who was still awaiting my next instructions on the potatoes. He met my gaze. Although his exterior showed no cracks, his eyes betrayed him – I could see the anxiety. It no doubt mirrored the way mine looked in that moment.

I turned back to Emily. "We've got this. If you want to help set the table, though, that would be great."

Emily nodded and instantly went to the cupboard, happy to help and more than grateful to be contributing. Emily loved being in the kitchen. When Jake and I visited Sam and Emily's home, I could count the number of times on one hand I'd spent with her in a room other than her massive, well-equipped kitchen. It didn't help she was always cooking for eight hungry werewolves.

While Embry and I finished the potatoes, Emily had the table set to perfection. She placed a few extra plates and silverware settings on the counter as the table only fit six people and there were nine of us in the house. When she was done, she looked at me and I nodded.

"Boys! Leah! Dinner's ready!" she called.

Within moments, the kitchen was packed with large, overheated bodies. I pressed against the sink as I let everyone sort out who would sit where. Sam sat at the head of the table in true Alpha fashion, while Paul slid easily into the chair at the foot, earning him nothing short of a whine from Quil, who was headed in that direction. Quil purposely let his elbow knock Paul in the head as he trudged to the seat next to him. Paul growled. "Quit being a pussy," he muttered to Quil.

Emily managed to squeeze past Quil in the small kitchen and slid into the chair next to Sam. Jared sat at Paul's other hand, which left one chair. Seth was heading there when he stopped and looked at me, eyes wide. "Bella! Do you want to sit?"

"Oh – no thanks, Seth. I'm okay standing."

Seth nodded, the sweetness pulling at the young features of his face. He threw a glance at Leah. "Sis?"

"It's fine, kid, you take it," Leah waved him off as she opened the fridge door and peered in, pulling out a beer. I raised my eyebrows as she straightened, twisting the cap off the bottle and tossing it carelessly into the sink. She caught me gawking at her. "What?" she snapped. "It's been a really long damn day."

The truth was I didn't blame her. If I drank, I would have been right in line behind her.

Once the battle for seating rights had been fought and won, everyone literally attacked the meal I prepared. A flurry of large arms all dove for the middle of the table, spearing chicken with forks, knives, fingers and whatever else they had handy. Quil had two pieces on his plate before I could blink, and I watched as Sam grabbed Jared's hand mid-reach. Despite Jared's protests, this allowed Emily to claim her piece relatively unharmed.

It became clear – fast – that I hadn't made enough.

In the midst of this, Leah hurriedly grabbed her plate and made a mad dash between her brother and Paul, stretching over a tangle of limbs to snag a breast. How there was one left was beyond me. She almost fell into the table as Paul nearly stood up to reach past her, but their arms interlocked in a weird knot as they both struggled to reach the food.

"Dammit, Leah, I had that one!"

"Snooze, you lose, girlies," Leah spat, triumphantly backing away from the table. "Had to make sure you pigs didn't get all the good pieces."

I smiled as Paul gave Leah a dirty look and she flipped him off. Hearing a sound next to me, I looked to my right and realized Embry was sitting atop the counter, also watching the scene. He was absentmindedly tapping his fingers on the laminate countertop. "Are you gonna get some food?" I asked him. "You better hurry if you are. There are only a couple legs left on that plate."

Embry looked back at me, a slight smile pulling at one side of his mouth. He winked at me. "I got this." With that, he jumped off the counter and walked quietly around the back of the table to the side Quil and Emily sat on. "Hey, Quil, don't forget the potatoes. Bella made 'em extra good tonight," he reminded, clapping Quil on the back.

"Aw, crap. Thanks, dude!" With that, Quil abandoned his large uneaten chicken breast and stretched away from his plate toward the potatoes. As soon as he had one hand on the bowl and the other on the spoon, Embry effortlessly reached down and snagged the piece of succulent chicken off his plate.

I barely saw what happened as Quil retaliated, but Embry was too quick as he stepped out of Quil's reach. Grabbing at air instead of his friend, the force Quil put into the lunge caused him to tumble right out of his chair to the floor. For a moment, it was as if everyone forgot the purpose behind our gathering and the solemnity of the circumstances as we all burst into laughter.

Embry was grinning from ear to ear as he trotted back to his place near the counter, exchanging a quick high-five with Jared on the way. "You okay there, buddy?" He cocked an eyebrow at Quil.

Quil was fuming as he sat up, cheeks red and nostrils flaring. "You're an asshole, Call. You took my damn chicken."

I tried to hide the smile behind my hand as Quil pulled himself back into his chair. With a huff, he grabbed one of the remaining chicken legs off the plate and threw one last dirty look at Embry, who was ripping into the piece of chicken and still sizing up his friend with a raise of his eyebrows and a triumphant smile.

I leaned back against the sink and hugged myself softly. I wasn't sure where we all would go from here, when Jacob would come home and how we'd all start dealing with the loss of Billy. I did know one thing, though – this was a strong family, a family that could get through anything so long as they had each other.

I jumped a little bit as someone nudged me. I looked down and saw Embry had torn a bulk of the meat off the chicken bone and placed it on a saucer. He held it out, looking at me expectantly. "The cook shouldn't go hungry," he murmured, the jubilance from a moment before mostly gone from his face. Instead, it was replaced with a genuine look of concern and compassion.

I smiled and mouthed the words 'thank you' to him, accepting the food. The scene before me continued without fail and as I watched the others eat, I sighed.

 _As soon as Jake comes home — wherever he is — we will make it through this day_.


	3. Locked Out

_**Suggested Listening: "The Violet Hour" by The Civil Wars, "Cold" by Aqualung & Lucy Schwartz, "Bluebird" by Christina Perri** _

After dinner, the members of the pack retreated to the living room to discuss what they should do next. A majority wanted to continue looking for Jacob. Although no one really doubted he eventually would come home, most knew Jake needed to be found for the sake of making arrangements with the hospital.

Mostly, though, everyone wanted to make sure he was okay.

After cleaning up the kitchen, I bypassed the pack meeting and retreated to the front porch. I needed fresh air and with all the voices in the living room, I couldn't seem to focus on a single one of my own thoughts. Once the door closed behind me, I welcomed the darkness and the silence with a haggard sigh as I collapsed onto the porch steps. I drew my legs up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, resting my chin on one knee.

I stared into the darkness beyond the porch for a few moments before pulling out my cell phone. I flipped it open and dialed the house number, not sure if I'd catch my dad. Mixed in with the uncertainty of Jake's whereabouts was a need to make sure Charlie was okay, too. He and Billy had been best friends longer than I'd been alive.

I sighed again when the phone rang three, four, five times and no one answered.

I shut the phone and stared at it for a moment. My mind shifted back to Jake. Despite my attempts to remain optimistic, my anxiety was getting the better of me. It wasn't like him to run from anything. Then again, this wasn't just _anything_. I kept reverting back to the worst-case scenarios. Was he wandering around the woods in human form? Is that why the others couldn't hear him when they were searching for him? But that wouldn't explain why they couldn't smell him. Had he ran into a vampire when he was running? Was it a coven of vampires? One werewolf certainly was no match for an entire coven…

My stomach wretched violently as I bent forward, resting my forehead on my knees. I forced the morbid thoughts from my head with deep, languid breaths. He was fine – he just had to be.

I heard voices rise inside the house, followed by a booming command, most likely from Sam. Whatever the pack was talking about they weren't in agreement about it. I grimaced as I peered over my shoulder toward the living room window. Maybe they were talking worst-case scenarios, too.

Sighing, I rose to my feet and descended the couple steps till my feet touched the moist, soggy ground. I stretched my arms above my head and let them fall to my sides before instinctively heading toward the garage. If there was one place I could find silence and solace, it would be there. The night was pitch black and a hazy mist fell from the sky. The moisture ghosted across my face and coated my hair as I walked slowly toward the garage, having memorized the path long ago.

Reaching the garage door, I gripped the handle and pushed the door back, revealing the dark expanse of the garage I had spent so much time in just over a year ago. I couldn't help but smile when I thought of all the memories Jacob and I had in this garage. It was where he helped me find myself, became my best friend and where I ultimately fell in love with him over heaps of what he liked to call "scrap metal".

From the bit of moonlight filtering through the door, I could see Jake's workbench on the far end of the garage as well as a dated Ford Ranger peeking out from under a tarp. The Ranger was Jake and Embry's latest project. Despite Embry's insistence on fixing it up as quickly as possible, there were times Jake would mutter something about just selling it because there was "no point in having a car when it's just as easy to get somewhere on four legs."

I smiled a little to myself as I leaned against the frame of the garage door. Lost in my thoughts, I didn't hear the rustle somewhere in the darkness of the building.

"Close the door."

My stomach almost leapt out my throat at the sudden words coming from nowhere. My pulse instantly raced and I froze, despite my gut instinct to run in the opposite direction. The voice was foreign to me.

"Bella, door."

At the sound of the second set of words, I relaxed and shuddered at the same time. I _did_ know the foreign voice, yet it shocked me how unrecognizable it was. "Jacob?" I heard nothing except for the sound of a distant sniffle. I squinted and attempted to peer into the dark expanse of the garage. "Jake? Why are you hiding in the garage?"

"Bella, close the damn door!"

This time his voice was filled with frustration and insistence. Closing my mouth, I listened, reluctantly pulling the door closed with a loud thud. I was suddenly lost in darkness and couldn't see a thing. Staying rooted to my spot for the sake of saving me from my own clumsiness, I heard more shuffling and suddenly, the room was bathed in a faint yellow glow cast from the light above the workbench. I took what felt like my first breath in hours when I saw Jacob leaning against the wooden table, one hand still gripping the cord to the light. _Thank God he is okay_ , I thought. _But why is he hiding in the garage? And how come no one found him here? And right under our noses, no less?  
_

I watched him for a moment from where I stood. He was still wearing the faded jeans and black t-shirt I had seen him in earlier in the day before I left for work. His usual grin was nowhere to be found and his eyes were black and sullen. His russet skin almost glowed in the faint light from above the workbench and I could see the defined muscles in his arms straining as he gripped the bench, using it to support his weight from behind. He didn't look at me – instead he stared purposefully at the dirt floor of the garage. I could see him breath in and out – once, twice, three times – each breath perfectly even as if he was concentrating on each to make sure he remembered to take the next one. My heart tightened in sadness as I watched his seemingly lifeless face.

"Jake, what are you doing out here?" I murmured, knowing he could hear me. "The entire pack has been out looking for you. Everyone is in the house right now…" Jacob held up his hand to silence me, but I pressed on. "They're all really worried about you, Jake."

Jacob took another couple breaths and closed his eyes, thinking over each word before he spoke. His lips were pursed in a thin, straight line and his features were hard. "I've been out here since I left the hospital."

I blinked at him stupidly. "How?"

He looked upward and I fell silent as he pointed at the semi-open attic of the garage. "I was up there for awhile. They couldn't find me out there because they couldn't hear me, couldn't smell me." He managed a forced smile, but it wasn't his smile, the smile I was in love with. This one dripped with another emotion, as if he had just played the ultimate cruel prank on his pack brothers. "This entire garage already smells like me, so no one looked too hard in here. And considering it was Quil they sent, doesn't surprise me..."

"So you've been right here – right outside – the whole time? Jake…" My eyebrows pulled together, trying hard not to be disappointed in his lack of respect for our concern. I knew I needed to be understanding considering the circumstances. His eyes flitted in my direction but quickly returned to the garage floor when he saw the look on my face.

"I can't be around everyone right now," he muttered, kicking at a stray pebble lodged in the dirt. "I can't answer their questions and I can't pretend like I'm fine, because I'm not _fine_." He emphasized the last word, his voice growing louder and the muscles in his body tensing uncomfortably, causing me to flinch. "Everything was…everything _was_ fine this morning! I just…I just don't understand how…" He cut himself off by inhaling sharply, suddenly bringing his fist to his mouth where I could see him bite down on it, almost as if he was trying to keep himself from screaming.

I could feel the tears pooling in my eyes as I watched the pure agony spread across his features as he dropped his fist back to his side. I hugged myself with my arms and took a couple steps toward him. "Jake, I'm so sorry."

He grimaced before shaking his head. "Why are you sorry? It's not like there was anything you could have done."

He was right, but I was still sorry – immensely sorry. His father was gone, and I swear I felt every flash of pain I saw on his face deep inside me. Each look of sadness sliced open a new wound. I took several more steps, crossing the distance between us until there were only a few feet separating us. I wanted to wrap my arms around him, kiss him and tell him it was going to be okay. "I am, though. I'm sorry you're hurting. Your dad was an amazing man, Jake…"

Jacob sucked in another sharp breath and again held one hand up to silence me. "Don't…talk about him. Please," he hissed, squeezing his eyes shut and causing his face to wrinkle in intense concentration. "I can't talk about this…about him."

My heart broke for Jacob when the words left his mouth, and I felt the first of my own tears escape my eyes and make their way down my cheeks. I watched Jacob in front of me as he again focused on his breathing – _in and out, one, two, three_ – trying with everything he had in him not to fall apart into a million pieces before me. His determination betrayed him, though, as his breath hitched and his frame shook as he held in his grief. I didn't move a muscle as I watched him. I would be here, next to him, right where he needed me. I wouldn't move until he said so and would stay there until he needed me somewhere else.

In the mean time, I spoke, telling him the only thing I could think of that might help ease his pain, if only just a little. "I love you, Jacob," I whispered, biting my lower lip to keep it from quivering.

Jacob's shoulders sagged under an invisible weight and for a moment, I saw some of the hardness leave his face. His lips fell open as if he was trying to form a word, but nothing came out except his labored breaths. After a few infinite moments, he turned his face toward me and opened his eyes. The grief in them pierced my soul. They burned with such an intensity I found it difficult to not look away, and I could almost hear my heart shatter when I noticed a lone tear squeeze from the corner of his eye and slowly creep down his cheek.

"Everything's so messed up right now," he muttered despairingly. "I just don't…I can't understand this."

Before I was even done hearing the words he spoke, Jacob's resolve broke and he rubbed his face violently with his hands, letting a cry of frustration escape his throat. I jumped at the sound and backed up a couple steps as he turned and finally moved, walking past me toward the door in quick, long strides.

"Jake?" I came to my senses and started after him, the panic rising in my throat. "Where are you going?"

He ignored me as he threw the garage door open with seemingly no effort and stepped into the night air, disappearing swiftly into the darkness. My steps turned into a run as I tried to catch up with him. If he was going to run off again, I wanted to be close enough so I could grab him, try to keep him here with us.

I reached him about five feet outside the garage. His steps were long and determined and I found myself trotting to keep up. He was headed straight for the house. "Jake?" I pressed, swiping away the moisture from my eyes. I was unsure if tears still lingered there or if it was from the cold drizzle the sky was unleashing from above us. "Jake!" I reached out for his arm but was only able to latch onto his t-shirt as he twisted away from my fingers.

Suddenly, he reeled around, his body inches from mine. His breath was hot on my face as I froze, my mouth open slightly in shocked surprise. His eyes bore holes through mine. "Go home, Bella." It wasn't a request. The tone he used let me know the topic was not up for discussion. It was the same tone he used with Embry, Quil and the others when discussing pack business, a way of letting them know it was a command, not a request. As quickly as he turned to face me, he spun on his heel and continued toward the house.

But I didn't leave. Instead, my feet carried me forward as I followed him up the front steps to the door. I wasn't going to leave him alone. He shouldn't be alone, I told myself, rationalizing my decision to ignore his request and continue after him. He didn't try to stop me. He didn't turn around again and tell me to leave. Inside, I didn't believe he actually wanted me to go.

In front of me, Jacob barreled through the front door of his house into the warmly lit and crowded living room. I skidded to a stop, nearly colliding with his broad back as he came to a sudden stop in front of me. Cautiously, I peered around Jacob as seven sets of eyes shot toward the door to see who had so loudly interrupted their pack meeting. An equal number of mouths fell open when they saw who was looming in the doorway. No one spoke – there was only silence as everyone waited for Jacob to say something. He didn't, though, and I heard nothing except the perfectly spaced exhales, which came as a result of Jacob's concentrated breathing.

After what seemed like an eternity had gone by, several voices started speaking at once.

"What the hell, Jake? We've been looking all over for you!" Quil's indignant voice was clear above the others.

"Jake, are you okay?" Leave it to Seth to first see how Jacob was doing before launching into the interrogation. For only being 16 years old, he had such a pure soul.

"Jesus, Jake, we thought you were dead!" Leah's exasperated tone was easy to distinguish from her pack brothers.

The others kept firing questions and exclamations in Jacob's direction as I slinked out from behind him, shuffling quietly to stand in the shadows by the living room window, hoping not to be noticed and giving me a better view of Jacob's face as well as the rest of the pack members. I was still within arm's reach of Jake, just in case he needed me.

I scanned the room quickly. Sam was sitting in Billy's recliner, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees. He was eyeing Jacob with uncertainty, as if he was deciding whether to chastise his Beta or wrap his arms around him in an act of comfort. Paul was leaning on the wall beside the TV and Jared was sitting on the floor in front of it. Both looked mildly annoyed. Seth and Leah both sat on the sofa, flanked by Quil, who was perched on the arm closest to me, and Embry, who sat atop the one closest to Sam. As my eyes traveled around the group, Embry's gaze caught mine. Unlike the others, he wasn't speaking and I lingered for a moment as he looked at me expectantly, a mix of concern and hesitation on his face. I shook my head slightly, silently encouraging him to keep his mouth shut.

After a moment, Sam silenced the remaining pack members, who were trying their best to speak over one another. "Quiet!" His booming voice reverberated off the walls of the small living room. I shivered at the intimidation that dripped from his tone, which was followed by the inevitable silence. Quickly scanning the room to make sure no one thought about speaking again, Sam fixed his eyes on Jacob. "Where've you been, Jake?" His one was stern, laced with underlying demand.

Jacob's expression remained stoic as his gaze focused on some invisible spot behind his Alpha. I grew uneasy at the blank look in his eyes. There was an emptiness in them that almost made Jacob unrecognizable. This wasn't the Jake that I knew. He wasn't the Jake I'd seen this morning nor was he the person I loved. Right now, he was merely an empty shell struggling to find a way to cope with the loss of his father.

When Jacob spoke, his voice was deep and cold. "Around."

Sam cocked an eyebrow and continued to stare at him, as if willing Jacob to look him in the eye. "Jacob, we've been looking for you for hours. We had no idea where you were. We were worried – " Sam's eyes flitted toward me " – Bella was worried."

Jacob didn't falter. "Sorry."

I felt a sting in my eyes as hot tears filled them, momentarily blurring my vision. I drew my bottom lip between my teeth and blinked frantically, trying to fight them off. His indifference was almost too much to take. My reaction didn't go unnoticed as I realized there were a couple sets of eyes on me rather than Jacob.

Sam sighed and rubbed his face with his hands. "Jacob, we're all feeling your loss. There's nothing we can say to ease the pain, but you're here now, which is good. There are things that must be done, preparations that need to be made." He paused for a moment to gauge Jacob's reaction. Jake didn't falter, but I noticed his jaw clench and nostrils flare as his breathing quickened. "The hospital's been calling…" Sam continued.

Jacob scoffed, his mouth twisting into a sort of snide smile. "Sam, I can't deal with this right now. Call them back, pretend to be me, I don't care."

Sam frowned. "Jake, this isn't some everyday situation here. We're talking about your father's funeral…"

"I said I don't want to talk about it," Jacob seethed through clenched teeth.

Sam didn't back down. "We _need_ to talk about it, Jake." His tone was authoritative, as if he was demanding Jake to see it his way. I winced in spite of myself.

The battle Sam was waging with Jacob had the entire pack on edge. I could see the apprehension in their faces as their eyes darted between Sam and Jacob, standing by and cautiously awaiting the explosion that was sure to happen if Sam continued to push. Both Quil and Embry looked as if they were ready to spring to their feet at any moment to hold back Jacob should he lose his temper.

Sam took a deep breath before he pressed on. "I know you're upset, Jacob, but we're here to help."

Jake's eyes finally left his invisible focal point and met Sam's stare. "You wanna help? Do you really want to help?" When Sam nodded, Jacob continued. "Get out."

It wasn't the response any of us were expecting. Even Sam was taken aback, his mouth open slightly as if at a loss for words. We all anticipated Jacob's grief but none of us were prepared for this level of hostility. The burning in my eyes was nearly unbearable, but I managed to hold back all but one tear. I tasted the saltiness of it as it reached the corner of my mouth.

Finally, it was Embry who stood to face his best friend. "Jake, man, come on…" he said, stepping out from behind the arm of the couch.

"Really, guys, I think it would just be best if everyone leaves."

Every pair of eyes swiveled toward me. I barely realized it was me who spoke the words.

Jake glanced at me, his expression unmoving, before looking back to the others. "You heard her," he muttered.

The pack members exchanged glances. Sam nodded silently before he stood, too. He looked at me with an empty yet unfriendly expression before starting toward the door. The rest of the pack members followed suit, one by one, shuffling past Jacob. Quil clapped Jake on the shoulder as he walked by and Seth gave him a weak smile. Embry was the last one out. As soon as the door latched behind him, I exhaled sharply in relief, thankful the pack had listened and silently agreed to give Jake some space.

Reaching up to my face, I vigorously wiped the stray tears from my cheeks before tentatively taking a couple steps toward Jake, who was standing in the same place with his eyes squeezed shut once again. I needed to be strong for him. He needed a foundation and I was completely willing to push aside any of my own pain to provide it for him. In this moment, I would have taken it all on myself just to see him smile.

I gingerly touched his arm, relieved when he didn't pull away. "Jake, are you hungry? You probably haven't eaten since breakfast. Why don't you let me make you something?"

Unclenching his fists and letting his fingers stretch, Jake shook his head. "That means you, too, Bella," he muttered.

I blinked stupidly, my hand retracting swiftly. "What?"

Jacob didn't look at me. "I want you to leave, too.

I wasn't sure what to say as I stood there looking at him. I encouraged everyone else to leave but not for a second did I think he wanted me to leave as well, despite him telling me to only moments earlier. Hearing the words leave his mouth again stung more the second time around as I realized he was completely serious.

"Jake, I can stay. I should stay…"

"Bella," he choked out. "Please."

There was nothing left to say. As my eyes burned with unshed tears, I gingerly touched his arm and stretched up on my tiptoes, leaving a soft kiss on his cheek. I heard him inhale sharply when my lips made contact with his skin. I lingered for a moment longer than necessary before pulling away. "Bye, Jake. I'll come back in the morning, okay?"

When he didn't answer, I sighed quietly and turned away from him, opening the front door a few inches. I'm not sure how long I stood there, hoping he would ask me to stay, but he never did. Instead, he stayed rooted in the same spot, never looking at me, his stance never faltering. It was almost as if he wasn't there.

Grimacing, I focused every ounce of momentum I had into putting one foot in front of the other, to do as Jake wished and walk out the door. "I love you, Jake." And I let myself out of the house before he had a chance to respond.

The front door clicked shut behind me. Moments later, I heard the deadbolt slide into place. The simple noise shot through me and I shuddered as I was literally locked out in the cold and rain. Taking a couple steps away from the door, I turned my head once more to look at the house, a small part of me hoping Jacob would come to his senses after I was no longer in the room. My heart wrenched when the warm light seeping through the window next to the door suddenly vanished, surrounding the front porch in darkness.

I could feel my throat constrict and a sob rise up as I realized I had counted on Jacob, as my partner and my best friend, to help me through my _own_ grief encompassing the loss of his father. As I stood on the porch, the cold and moist breeze causing chills to course throughout my body, I grieved for Billy and I selfishly grieved at the discord I felt from the person who was supposed to be my air and my sun. Still, most of all, I grieved for the Jacob and his loss.

Wrapping my arms around my midsection and swallowing back the sob, I was startled by a voice from the darkness.

"Bella, are you okay?"

Squinting, I watched as Seth stepped out of the darkness with Embry slowly trailing a few steps behind him. Both appeared to be waiting in the rain for quite some time as their clothing was soaked and their hair in disarray from running their fingers through the damp strands. I breathed a sigh of relief, suddenly grateful as the feeling of loneliness faded, if only by a fraction.

"Oh, I'll be okay," I sniffed, wiping my nose quickly with the back of my hand. I nodded my head toward the house. "He asked me to leave, too." I was surprised when a nervous chuckle left my throat, no doubt a deflector to distract from my current state of emotions.

Seth's face scrunched in sympathy as he and Embry exchanged a quick glance. "Yeah, we kinda had a feeling that might happen."

I nodded, the action more an automated response than actual agreement. "I don't know how to help him right now," I murmured. "I wish I could – I just don't know how."

"He'll come around, Bells," Embry replied, managing a disheartened half-smile in my direction.

"I hope so…" I trailed off. "What are you two doing out here anyway?"

Seth shifted his weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other. "Well, um, we were kinda waiting to make sure everything went okay after we left."

In other words, they were waiting to make sure I was okay. I suddenly felt like a gigantic burden. It suddenly was becoming too much.

"You didn't look so good in there, Bella," Seth continued.

The robotic smile returned to my face as I sniffed, biting my violently quivering lip to subdue the breakdown I could feel building within me. "Really, guys, I'll be okay."

Embry and Seth didn't look convinced, but it was Embry who stepped toward me, eyes wide with concern. "Bells, why you don't you let me drive you home?" He removed his hand from the pocket of his jeans and reached out to me.

I looked at his hand, to Seth, then back to Embry. Shaking my head, I started down the stairs toward my truck. "That's not necessary, Em. Seriously…I'm _fine_. Thank you both for staying, but…"

"Bella, I'm not asking you. I'm _telling_ you to give me your keys," Embry said bluntly, grabbing my wrist to keep me from retreating. I spun around, realizing the rain had suddenly picked up and drops were falling faster from the sky, splattering my face and quickly soaking my hair. I squinted through it, gaping at Embry and his uncharacteristic outburst, then down at my captive wrist, which was securely restrained between his fingers. Peering over his shoulder, I could see Seth doing the same thing, his eyes wide.

Embry's features softened as soon as he realized how I interpreted his action and relaxed his grip on my wrist. "Bella, who you trying to kid here? You're not fine. You keep saying that, but you're not. We already lost one member of this family today. None of us need to spend the entire night worrying whether you wrapped your truck around a pine tree on your way home. Please…just let me take you home."

I twisted my body, trying to wiggle my wrist out of Embry's hold. He let it go without a fight, dropping his arms to his sides in a defeated gesture. He hadn't hurt me, but I rubbed my wrist in reflex. A haggard sigh escaped my lips as I realized I didn't have the strength to fight with him about it. Reaching into my jacket pocket, I pulled out the keys to my truck and held them out to Embry on one finger. He eyed my hand for a moment before gingerly taking the keys. "Thank you," he murmured.

Without a word, I turned and made a beeline toward my truck.

As I approached the vehicle, I heard Embry speak to Seth. "Go ahead and go home, kid. I'm just gonna take her home, leave her truck there and run back."

Seth nodded in acknowledgment as I opened the door to climb in. "Got it." He then looked at me and called out, "See you later, Bella!"

"Bye, Seth," I muttered, not even sure if he could hear me as I slid into the passenger seat, slamming the door behind me. Taking a deep breath, I wiped the rain from my face and ran my fingers through my damp hair. From this side of the house, I could see Jacob's bedroom window. A dim light, no doubt from his lamp, shone warmly through it. My stomach tightened as I stared at it, and I could feel the lump return in my throat, the sadness overtaking the brief bout of stubbornness that had overcome me.

I jumped as the driver's side door suddenly opened, a rush of moist air accompanying Embry as he slid behind the wheel, pulling the door shut behind him. He hesitated before putting the key in the ignition. "Ready?"

I leaned my forehead against the cool window glass and nodded, crossing my arms tightly in front of my chest. I didn't say anything and Embry didn't wait for a verbal reply as he started the truck and backed it out of its spot. He noisily slipped the truck into drive and within moments, we were on the road heading toward Forks. I closed my eyes and focused on taking deep breaths. I didn't want to talk. I only wanted to be left alone.

Embry had other ideas.

"When we were nine years old, Jake broke my nose when I tried to give him a hug."

Opening my eyes, I turned my head slightly toward Embry's voice. "What?" I replied, my face wrinkling in confusion. His statement had come out of nowhere.

Embry had both hands wrapped tightly around the truck's oversized steering wheel. His face was solemn, so whatever his statement was about, it wasn't meant to be a joke. He didn't turn his face to look at me, but I could see his eyes shift to make sure I was listening. "When I was nine, Jake broke…"

"I heard you," I interrupted sharply, causing Embry to wince. I sighed, straightening in my seat. "Em, I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be rude. Honestly, I'm not, but why are you telling me this?"

Embry stared intently out the windshield, obviously focusing on the road more than he needed to. "We were really young back then, but I still remember the day Jake's mom died. I remember it like it was yesterday." A pained expression flashed quickly across his face as he did remember.

My chest tightened all over again as I imagined what Sarah's death had done to Jacob. As I thought about it, images of his broken face, his lifeless features from minutes ago flooded my memory. The vision of him standing in the living room of his house, suffering from the loss of his father, his only living parent, was too much. A few tears managed to make their way down my face. My bottom lip quivering, I tried to turn away from Embry so he wouldn't see.

Embry pretended like he hadn't noticed. "Anyway, after her funeral, my mom took me down to the house where everyone was so we could pay our respects. There were so many people packed into that little house, but Jake wasn't anywhere around. I looked in his room — he wasn't there. So, naturally, I checked the garage next – and that's where I found him."

Biting hard on my lower lip to keep it from shaking, I watched Embry intently, suddenly curious to see where he was going with this story.

"He was sitting on that old couch out there and I remember he was crying. I couldn't give him hell for crying because he just lost his mom. No matter how much of a shit I may have been at nine years old, even I knew I shouldn't make fun of my best friend for crying when his mom died." The corner of Embry's lip pulled into a slight smile. His eyes still didn't divert from the road. "So I tried to think of what I should do, as his best friend, to make him feel better. Being a kid, I'd seen funerals in movies and stuff, but Jake's mom was the first real death I'd ever experienced, so I really had no idea what to do."

Embry hesitated, making no move to continue his story. Wiping the moisture from my cheek, I urged him on. "So what did you do?"

He smiled, knowing he had my full attention. "So I walked up to him. I didn't say anything – just walked right up to him. He stood up and tried hiding the fact he'd been crying, but I knew better. So instead of giving him crap, instead of saying anything, I figured I'd do what I saw everyone on TV do when someone was sad – I'd give him a hug."

My mouth fell open as I realized how this story was going to end. "And he broke your nose?"

"That's exactly what he did," Embry replied, chuckling. "Hauled off and just _clocked_ me right in the face. Never even saw it coming. I had no idea a kid our age could even hit that hard! So yeah – needless to say, he doesn't get many hugs from me anymore."

I couldn't help but smile a little bit at Embry's story, but I had a feeling there was more I had yet to hear. "So why did you tell me that?" I murmured, glancing at him out of the corner of my eye.

Embry's smile slowly disappeared from his face. "I told you that to maybe help you better understand. This is how Jake deals with hurt, with loss."

"So you're saying he's going to punch me in the face and break my nose, too?" I stated dryly.

Embry's laugh was loud enough to make me jump. "No, Bella, I'm not saying he'll break your nose." He shook his head and let one hand fall from the steering wheel and into his lap as he visibly relaxed. "But what I am saying is for awhile, he's gonna push us away — even you."

I nodded, staring at the road ahead of the truck. The headlights reflected off the wet pavement as we rounded a bend, the lights of Forks peeking through the dense trees. "I just don't understand why he feels the need to push _me_ away," I whispered. "I just want to be there for him."

"Bella, please don't get mad at me when I say this, but he's probably not thinking about you or how you're feeling right now," Embry responded, looking at me warily. My gaze shifted down to my hands, more than a little embarrassed. Embry sighed. "You know Jake as well as I do, Bells. He's stubborn, he thinks he can deal with stuff like this on his own, and he doesn't want anyone's help or sympathy. When he was nine, he dealt with it by punching me in the face. Now, he deals with it by shutting down and emotionally pushing people away. Sam can't bully him out of it, and neither can we."

It made complete sense, especially coming from the one person who probably _did_ know Jake as well as me. It still didn't make it easy to swallow, though. By this point, I was partly turned in the passenger seat toward Embry. I watched him as he concentrated on driving, his face calm and reflective. My eyebrows pulled together and I frowned slightly before I spoke. "Embry, why are you doing this for me?"

An alarmed look rippled across his face and he shifted in his seat. "You're surprised?"

"Well, no," I murmured. "It's just — we've never talked like this before." It was true. This was probably the most I'd ever heard him talk in such a short period of time. This was a different side of Embry, a side that rarely surfaced from beneath his quiet exterior. "Why now?"

Embry sighed. "Jake loves you, Bells — more than you probably realize. You mean more to him than any of _us_ probably realize. But Jake's my best friend — he's our brother." His level voice wavered a bit as the word fell from his lips. "What's important to him is important to me, to us. You're as much a part of this pack as Emily and Kim. No one wants to see you hurting."

My stomach tightened and the unshed tears in my eyes screamed upon hearing his confession. I was grateful and it meant so much to hear, but I was thankful for the distraction as Embry turned down the road to my house. I strained to look, realizing Charlie's police cruiser was nowhere to be seen. No more words passed between us as Embry turned the truck into the driveway, slipping it into park when it stopped. He turned the engine off and pulled the key out of the ignition, holding it up for me to take. I forced a slight smile as I took the key ring from his hand before turning and letting myself out of the truck.

Embry leaned against the driver's side of my truck as I walked around to meet him. "Thank you for letting me drive you home," he said.

I nodded. "Shouldn't I be thanking you?"

"Probably," Embry chuckled, "but you don't have to."

His smile drew a small one out of me but as expected, it quickly faded. It didn't seem appropriate to smile and I couldn't justify keeping one on my face for longer than a fleeting moment. Automatically, my eyes averted Embry's as I asked him one last question. "So will it get better? Will _he_ get better? Or do I have to keep my hand over my nose for the rest of my life?"

Embry managed a smile laced with amusement and sympathy. "We're still best friends, aren't we?"

Nodding, I threw a glance at the house, wondering silently where my father was. Then, without really having a reason why, I looked up at the sky. It had stopped raining but the expanse of it was black and desolate, and not a single star could be seen. Everything good about the night sky was missing, leaving it dark and empty. My chest tightened unbearably as I stared at the mourning heavens. Empty like me. _Empty like Jacob._

I lingered for a moment before my gaze fell back to Embry. "I'm really gonna miss him." Embry's face blurred as my eyes quickly filled with warm tears. Admitting it out loud, admitting Billy was really gone, I suddenly felt the weight of the day's events in combination with the overwhelming sadness I'd been fighting start to crush me. It was too much. I couldn't hold it in any longer and I let the grief swallow me as a loud cry escaped my throat.

Before I realized what was happening, I was pulled forward and two arms wrapped completely around my body, cocooning me in a comforting blanket of warmth. Sobs racked my body as every tear I'd held in, every cry I'd suppressed came out in a torrent of emotions. I clung desperately to Embry, burying my face in his chest and allowing him to hold me there, his hand gently stroking my hair as my tears left wet stains on shirt. It wasn't Embry who was supposed to comfort me, but I was grateful for it anyway.

I felt Embry rest his chin on my head. "I know, Bells. Me, too."


	4. Not Okay

The next morning, I awoke to rain violently pelting the glass of my bedroom window. I didn't have to open my eyes to know — the sound was familiar and there was no mistaking it. For a moment, I thought about opening my eyes but decided against it, convinced if I left them shut I'd fall back asleep and confirm the memories immediately bombarding me upon my awakening were indeed from a terrible nightmare.

It didn't happen, though. I knew better. It wasn't a nightmare. This was real life. In this case, death wasn't something I could escape simply by waking up. Death _was_ reality. It wasn't just something from my dreams.

It was an automatic movement when my eyelids opened. For a moment, I stared at the ceiling. I remembered last night. I remembered the sound of my dad's voice when he called to tell me Billy was gone. I remembered making dinner for the pack members. I remembered Embry driving me home and holding me in the driveway, comforting me as I fell apart in his arms. I remembered Jacob's empty eyes and icy words when he asked me to leave.

I relived every ounce of sadness, every pang of grief, before my feet even hit the cold, wooden floors of my bedroom.

Once I was out of bed, I walked to my closet. For a moment, I examined myself in the mirror hanging on the door. My eyes were puffy and red, which explained the dull burn consuming them. I looked like I hadn't slept at all. A part of me wouldn't have objected to crawling back under the covers and pretending the past 24 hours didn't happen, but there were things needing to be done, promises to be kept.

I pulled on a pair of jeans and a long-sleeved thermal t-shirt before quickly running a brush through my hair. Once I removed myself from the solace of my room, I stopped by the bathroom where I splashed cool water on my face in an attempt to breathe some life into my features. It did little as I sighed, staring into the bathroom mirror at my haggard reflection.

The lower level of my house was eerily silent for a Sunday morning. Charlie normally had the TV turned on full-blast, watching a public access fishing show before whatever sport of the season came on. The TV was uncharacteristically off as I peeked into the living room. No Charlie.

Turning the opposite direction, I walked to the kitchen, where I found him sitting at the kitchen table, a half-empty coffee mug in one hand and the front section of the Sunday paper in the other. If he heard me coming, he didn't give it away as his figure remained stoic.

I approached him from behind and gently laid a hand on his shoulder. "Hey, Dad," I murmured.

Charlie barely looked up from his paper. He grunted an acknowledgment as he reached up and patted my hand. "Morning, Bells."

I lingered for a moment before I pulled away and walked toward the counter. Standing on my tiptoes, I reached for a coffee mug and pulled it from the cupboard next to the sink. I poured myself a cup before turning around and leaning against the sink, gingerly bringing the mug to my lips and blowing on the hot liquid.

"Where were you last night?" I asked Charlie, my face contorting slightly in concern.

Charlie still didn't look up from his paper. "Went down to the station to get some paperwork done, then went to down to Mill Creek for a couple."

 _The bar_ , I thought to myself. I felt my stomach tighten. Charlie never went to Mill Creek unless he was really upset about something. I instinctually peeked out the kitchen window toward the front yard. I didn't see his cruiser. "How'd you get home?"

"A buddy dropped me off," he said dryly, fluffing the page of his newspaper so he could better see it.

"Dad…" There was a hint of plea in my voice, a waver in my resolve as I willed my father to look at me, to talk to me. I could feel the lump rising in my throat, wanting to be let out.

Charlie's eyebrows rose slightly and I saw his gaze visibly shift away from the words on the newsprint. Finally, his eyes – an exact replica of mine – looked at me. "It was a rough night, Bells. I'm sorry. I shoulda let you know where I was."

I nodded, biting on my lower lip. "It's okay, Dad. I understand."

Charlie sighed, putting down the paper and resting his elbows on the table. He clasped his hands together and leaned against them, his eyes now gazing out the window. "How's Jacob doing?"

My heart wrenched and the lump in my throat screamed, reminding me it was there and still anxiously awaiting a release. "As well as can be expected," I choked out, taking a sip of my coffee, hoping to squelch the ache, if only a little. "Which isn't good," I added quietly.

Charlie nodded. "Can't believe it myself, honestly," he murmured. "If I hadn't been the one to find him…"

"Dad…" I said again, placing my coffee mug on the counter and walking over to where my father sat. I put my hands on his shoulders and gave them a light squeeze. "There was nothing you could have done."

"I know, Bells, I know. That's not what I was saying. It's just...Billy was around longer than you've been alive," he said quietly, wringing his fingers together. "It doesn't seem real, him not being around anymore. I don't think it's really sunk in yet…"

I felt wetness on my cheeks in response to the underlying tone in Charlie's voice. I knew exactly how he felt. It was a bit of denial — a feeling of impossibility in the reality of it, intertwined with a sense of dread that came with knowing something was indeed different and forever irreversible. "I understand, Dad," I whispered. "Really, I do."

After a few long, silent moments, Charlie reached up and covered one of my hands with his, rubbing it gently. Squinting to see through the building tears, I leaned down and wrapped my arms around Charlie from behind, resting my chin on his shoulder and hugging him to me for dear life. Charlie left his hand on my arm and squeezed it, taking a horribly deep breath.

We remained that way for a minute, comforting each other with a simple action rather than insufficient words.

When Charlie cleared his throat uncomfortably, I squeezed him one last time before I stood, absentmindedly returning to my coffee mug on the opposite side of the room. "Shoot," Charlie said suddenly as I leaned against the sink. "I wonder if anyone thought to call Rachel and Rebecca."

I had no doubt in my mind Jacob's sisters had received word. "I'm sure someone's called them." Emily, Sue, maybe even Jake.

Charlie bobbed his head in response. "You going back out to La Push today?"

I nodded, my palms suddenly sweaty against the warm mug. I had promised Jacob I would. Whether I would be welcome had yet to be determined. "You could come, too, Dad. I'm not sure where they will be making arrangements, but I can call you when I find out."

"That would be good," Charlie murmured. "Thanks, Bells." I watched him rub his face with his hands before pushing the chair back to stand. "You mind running me to Mill Creek on your way out there? I need to pick up the cruiser and head to the station for a couple hours, finish a little bit more paperwork."

I nodded, quickly recognizing my father's coping mechanism as it reared its head. While he didn't necessarily shut himself off to everyone in his life, he rerouted all his energy and attention to work. Although it may have just been a different form of isolating himself from dealing with the issue at hand, I was grateful – there were worse ways he could cope with his grief.

Jacob's face flashed briefly through my mind at my last thought.

After registering my response, Charlie cast me a quick glance and shuffled from the room, grabbing his jacket near the door and slipping into it. Once he pulled up the zipper, he peered at me expectantly through the doorway.

Sighing, I turned and dumped my coffee down the drain, placing the mug in the sink. "Let me get my jacket."

* * *

After I dropped Charlie off at Mill Creek, I let my truck idle in its parking spot, pulling my cell phone out of my jacket pocket where I had left it the night before. I stared at the empty screen blankly. No missed calls. Zero new messages. While it didn't surprise me, it didn't do much to ebb the sting.

Shifting the truck into park, I dialed Sam and Emily's home number. On the third ring, an out-of-breath Emily picked up.

"Emily?"

"Hey, Bella. You almost missed me. We're just on our way out the door."

"Where you headed?" I asked, watching the rain create intricate patterns on my windshield as the drops traveled down the glass toward the wipers.

"The Clearwaters," Emily replied. "I'm taking some food over there. That's where most of the family will be. Rachel should be here this afternoon. Rebecca probably won't make it in from Hawaii till tomorrow night sometime."

I felt a familiar dull ache in my stomach. "Why the Clearwaters, Emily? How come you guys aren't just at Billy's?"

There was a pregnant pause on the other end of the line. "Well, the Clearwater place is a little bigger, and – well, we still haven't talked to Jake today. He's not answering his phone, so right at the moment, it doesn't seem appropriate to bring half the tribe to their house unannounced..."

I let out an audible sigh into the phone. "You're right – it really doesn't."

"You coming out, Bella?"

I leaned my head against the driver's side window. "Yeah, I'll meet you there in about a half hour?"

"Sounds good, Bella. I'll see you then."

Fifteen minutes later, I was not at the Clearwaters. Instead, I turned my truck into the driveway leading to the familiar red house I had left only 12 hours earlier. I had promised Jake I would come back in the morning, and I couldn't shake the insistent feeling shouting at me to make sure he was okay. He didn't have to talk to me; I just wanted to see him to assure myself he was still here physically, even if emotionally he was in a completely different place.

As the truck rolled to a stop, I quickly shut it off and shoved my keys in my jacket pocket, hurriedly opening the door and stepping out into the rain. I didn't give my uncertainty a chance to slow me down as I ran toward the front porch, skidding to a halt in front of the door.

Taking a deep breath, I brought my fist to the door and knocked.

I counted the seconds as I stood there, bouncing slightly on the balls of my feet while I waited. Once I reached 15, I hesitated for a brief moment before knocking again. Still nothing. I couldn't hear a sound from inside the house. There was no voice yelling at me to hold on, no noisy footsteps approaching the door. For a second, I contemplated trying the handle and letting myself in like I normally did but I ultimately decided against it. I had come, just like I said I would. I kept my promise, and a larger part of me – more dominant than the part wanting to ensure Jacob was okay – wanted to respect him and the invisible line he'd drawn. I wouldn't force myself past it, no matter how much it pained me not to.

I tore myself away from the front door, walking to the edge of the porch and peeking around the house. I looked toward the garage, although nothing seemed amiss or out of the ordinary. It was as if everyone had abandoned the little red house I commonly thought of as my second home. With each passing moment, I gripped the fact Jacob probably wasn't home and even if he was, he wasn't going to let me know it.

As I ran back to my truck in the pouring rain and flung open the door to climb in, I shot one last look at the house through squinted eyes. In that instant, I caught a glimpse of the living room window by the front door. For a moment, I swore I saw a curtain flutter back to its original position. Looking again and hesitating for only a second, I convinced myself I had imagined the entire thing before seeking shelter in the cab of my truck.

When I arrived at the Clearwaters, there were more people packed into the modest, two-story home than I swear lived in the entirety of La Push.

When I walked through the front door, I instantly was bombarded with the savory smell of something cooking in the kitchen. Voices came from the living room on my left. I looked in to see several Quileutes I didn't know intermingling with some I did – namely Quil's grandfather, Old Quil, Sam and Seth. When Seth saw me, he flashed me his trademark, blinding smile and waved.

Running my fingers through my wet hair, I looked toward the stairway to see Leah bounding down them two at a time. "Hey, Swan," she greeted. "Women are in there." She jerked her head toward the kitchen.

Shrugging out of my jacket, I wrinkled my face in concentration. "Leah, why are there so many people here?" I lowered my voice as three more tribe members I didn't know emerged from the hallway behind the stairs and nodded at me in acknowledgement as they passed.

Leah's face screwed up in confusion. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Well, Emily said it was family…" I murmured, looking both ways before leaning closer to her. "This feels like I party," I whispered.

Leah chuckled sarcastically. "Native American customs, Swan – they're a little different then yours. Death, funerals – it's an 'entire tribe' kinda thing." She stopped when the men in the sitting room let out a round of booming laughter. Leah rolled her eyes. "It's really a bunch of spiritual, 'being one with the earth' kind of bullshit, when you get down to it. If you go according to our beliefs, there is no actual death, at least not for the soul — death is just another part of the life cycle, your spirit becoming one with nature."

Leah's mocking tone as she described her tribe's culture and customs surrounding death made me wince, but she continued anyway. "In other words, most of the people here don't see it as a reason to mourn because they believe the soul never dies. You'll see tears, but it won't be like the weepy affairs you people hold."

 _You people_ , I repeated to myself, inwardly scoffing. If I knew one thing for sure, death didn't have much affect on Leah's sparkling personality.

"I get it," I said dryly. "Thanks, Leah."

"Anytime, Swan." Leah flashed me a sarcastic, too-radiant smile before turning and heading toward the back door. She didn't stop to get shoes or a jacket before disappearing from the house.

"Bella? Is that you?"

I jerked my head to the right as Emily's beautifully scarred face peeked around the door of the kitchen. She smiled when she saw me. "Hey! What took you so long?"

I tried to return her genuine smile but failed miserably. "I stopped to see Jake."

Emily's smile flickered from her face and was replaced with a look of hesitation and curiosity. "Anything?" she asked, her voice laced with concern.

I shook my head, my gaze averting to the floor. For a moment, I studied the intricate and colorful patterns woven into Sue's handmade throw rug placed just inside the front door.

Emily attempted to put a reassuring smile back on her face. "He'll come around, Bella. We just gotta give him some time."

"So I've been told." She was the second person to tell me that in less than 24 hours. _Maybe you should start listening,_ I thought to myself. Then again, listening to what likely was the best idea was never my strong suit.

In a gesture of compassion and understanding, Emily took my hand and pulled me toward the kitchen. "Come in here with us. We're busy making food for lunch and dinner, and I've been put in charge of snapping beans." She cast a look back at me as we entered the kitchen, waving her unoccupied hand toward the table where two large bowls of fresh green beans sat untouched.

I looked at her skeptically. For a woman with Emily's culinary skills, this task seemed awkwardly insulting. It only took her a moment to pick up the doubt displayed all over my face. "I know, right?" she said under her breath. "Oh, well. Anything I can do to help. Care to join me?" She released my hand and slid into one of the sturdy wooden dining chairs.

I nodded and slid into the chair next to her. She smiled again as she pushed me one of the bowls. "This is pretty standard preparation for a Quileute funeral," she said, obviously trying to make conversation as she picked up her first bean and swiftly snapping it into thirds before tossing it into the empty bowl to her left. "Friends and family get together to celebrate the life of their loved one and make preparations for the funeral. It's very much a tribal thing."

"That's what Leah was saying," I replied, picking up my own bean and mimicking Emily's movements. As I did, I bothered for the first time since walking into the kitchen to take a peek at my surroundings. Five other women were crammed in the kitchen. It was bigger than the kitchen at Jacob's, but it still wasn't enough of an expanse to comfortably fit those who seemed to be navigating the tight spaces with little to no problem. It was a wonder to me as I watched them. The only person I recognized was Sue Clearwater, who was chopping carrots, celery and potatoes on a cutting board strategically placed over the sink to create more counter space.

"You ran into Leah?" Emily cocked an eyebrow.

I nodded, eyes fluttering back to my task. "Yeah. She was on her way out when I first came in."

"Ahh," Emily responded, followed by a _snap_ , _snap_. I looked down and she had about four beans to my one. "I'm pretty sure Sam has her out on a patrol this afternoon," she went on, her voice dropping a volume level to avoid curious ears from the four other women in the kitchen. "She and Paul are relieving Quil and Embry."

I picked up two beans and snapped them at the same time in an attempt to catch up. "So who's planning the funeral since Jake…since Jake's not here?" I stammered, glancing up at Emily. Her eyebrows furrowed underneath her thick, ebony bangs, but she didn't look up as she worked.

"Rachel and Rebecca will probably make a lot of the decisions when they get here, but for now, Rachel told us – Sam and I and Sue – to take care of the necessary things before they get here."

"Necessary things?"

Emily nodded. "Sam did call the hospital last night when he got home. He and the tribal healer then went and picked up Billy…" She trailed off for a moment. It was as hard for her to say it as it was for me to think it – _body_. Billy's _body_. I swallowed the instinctual lump in my throat.

I felt my cheeks preemptively turn red before I even asked the question. "So…Quileutes don't use funeral homes?" _Nice, Bella. Show them how stupid you are about these kinds of things._

Emily chuckled goodnaturedly. "No, Bella – I mean, not usually. A lot of Native American cultures remain fairly traditional and simple when it comes to funerals. Us Quileutes are no exception. The tribal healer took Billy to his home, which is where the – _body_ – will be preserved until the funeral." She, too, stumbled over the word just as I did in my head.

"When is the funeral?" I asked before picking up another bean, trying to stay occupied.

"Probably in a few days," Emily replied. "We'll know more when Rachel and Rebecca get here. They'll be able to find Billy's will, too. We're just not sure if it's in the house or at the tribal attorney's office. Once we have that, we'll know a little more about Billy's final wishes."

As always, the pack and the other Quileutes had the situation completely under control. I was still chewing over Emily's words, my mind straying to images of Billy's funeral and wondering if Jake would even be there, when Sue turned around from the sink, wiping her hands on her apron.

"Bella!" she exclaimed. "Oh, Bella, I haven't seen you in ages." The smile lines appeared around her mouth as she walked over to me, leaning down and squeezing my shoulders while planting a quick kiss on my cheek. Her long, dark hair, which was speckled with prominent streaks of grey, fell over my shoulder as she did. "I'm so glad you came out."

I managed a convincing smile this time at Sue's unyielding hospitality and friendliness. "Of course, Sue," I replied. "Thank you for having me."

Sue took a couple steps back before turning and swinging open the refrigerator door. I watched her and was certain she was going to hit the woman standing directly in the path of the door, but the woman quickly stepped out of the way, her hands never stopping from their task. Sue grabbed a brimming casserole dish out of the fridge. "Is Charlie coming out?"

"I think so," I answered. As the words left my mouth, I remembered something I had yet to do. "I'm supposed to call him."

"Oh, child, let me. I could actually use a couple things from the grocery store in Forks, if you think he'd be willing to swing by and pick them up for me." Sue eyed me tentatively over the casserole dish as she set it in the small sliver of unoccupied counter space next to the stove.

I nodded. "Yeah, I don't think he'd have any objections to that."

"Great! Thank you, Bella," Sue exclaimed. "In that case, I'll be right back." With that, she turned on her heels and retreated into the living room where I was certain she would find a phone so she could send my father on a domestic mission. I had to smile a little to myself. Charlie would be grateful to her for the distraction.

As I turned back to my work, my eyes met Emily's and she gave me a small smile before picking up another bean.

We were both lost in our task, working silently and trying to reach the bottom of our bowls, when I heard the front door open in the hall.

"Aw, man! I knew that smell had to be coming from here!"

I rolled my eyes. There was only one person to whom that voice belonged, one who could still be so consumed by thoughts of food despite the prevalence of such extreme circumstances.

"Hi, Quil." I didn't need to look. I felt his presence behind me only a moment before a beefy arm reached past my head to the bowl placed in front of me, plucking up a green bean before I could protest.

"Uh, those aren't cooked, Quil!" I exclaimed hurriedly, throwing a glance over my shoulder to see Quil's goofy grin just before he popped the bean in his mouth.

"I know," he muttered, biting down gleefully on the raw vegetable. "I like 'em that way." He flashed me a toothy smile.

I grimaced at Quil's chomping, but before I could turn back to the remaining beans, he spoke again, his tone a bit more subdued. "We found someone on our way back here."

Emily and I looked at each other, confused, before simultaneously leaning in our chairs to see the front door. It didn't take long before we could hear a pair of soft footsteps cross the front porch and walk through the still-open door before they landed on the woven rug. A moment later, a beautiful yet uncommon face peered around the doorframe, eyes wide and rimmed with dark circles.

"Rachel!"

I didn't move as Emily jumped from her chair, pushing past Quil as she walked swiftly toward the doorway, throwing her arms around Jacob's older sister. Rachel closed her eyes as she rested her chin on Emily's shoulder, wholeheartedly returning the hug. The pain in her face was evident as she accepted the comforting gesture from her old friend. "Hey, Em," she whispered, a small smile squeezing through the pain.

"How are you here?" Emily exclaimed, pushing back and looking at Rachel. "You weren't supposed to be here for several hours!"

Rachel shrugged and pushed back a long strand of hair that had escaped the messy bun resting at the nape of her neck. "I couldn't sleep last night so I thought I'd get an early start. And when I say early, I mean it." The circles pooling underneath her eyes backed up her claim.

At this point, I'd abandoned the beans and turned in my chair, standing up to properly greet Rachel. It was almost surreal how much Rachel looked like Jacob. They had the exact same eyes, the same jet-black hair and close to the same smile, although Rachel's was more elegant than Jacob's trademark ear-to-ear, lopsided grin. Although I'd only ever seen photos of their mother, Rachel had a lot of Sarah in her as well. Her high cheekbones and the shade of her skin was slightly lighter than Jacob's, but not by much. Her presence exuded the same grace, the same beauty that radiated from the aged photos lining the pages of the albums stored away in the spare room at Jacob's house.

Emily released Rachel and held her at arms length, giving her a quick once-over accompanied by a genuine smile before she stepped away, reclaiming her place at the table near her bowl of beans. Rachel's eyes fell toward the floor before bouncing back up, catching my gaze. When she saw me, she offered a weak smile. "Bella. Hey." My chest tightened as I watched her, the pained smile lingering on her lips. I didn't know Rachel as well as I should. With her living in Oregon, I'd only spent time with her on a few occasions, including the past Christmas and Billy's birthday last August. I wasn't sure how I should respond to her greeting. Should I simply say hello back? Should I hug her like Emily?

Rachel didn't give me a chance to run any more options through my head before she took a couple steps and wrapped her arms around me, pulling me to her. She smelled like coffee and cigarettes laced with the faintest hint of lavender. I returned her embrace as I heard her sniffle noisily next to my ear. "I'm glad you're here, Rachel," I finally whispered. "Really, I am."

"Me too, Bella," she choked out. "I was hoping you would be because I wanted to say thank you, before I forget – thank you for taking care of my father during his last months, for doing what me and my sister weren't here to do. We'll never be able to repay you for what you did for him – and for my brother." Finally, she pulled away, tears streaking down her cheek. "Ugh!" she exclaimed, bringing her fingers to her eyes to wipe away the moisture. "This is, like, the 17th time I've cried today. If you're wondering why I look so bad, that's probably why." She made an exaggerated head-to-toe hand motion. "I told myself I wasn't going to cry anymore today."

I gave her an understanding smile and swallowed back my own tears that were burning the back of my throat.

Suddenly, we all looked up as the front door opened again and Embry strode into the front entrance, carrying a suitcase and two duffel bags slung haphazardly over his left shoulder. When he saw us all gaping at him, he smiled awkwardly, his gaze shifting to Rachel. "Where do you want these?"

She shrugged. "We should probably ask Sue, but I'm sure you could just put them in Leah's room for now."

Embry hesitated for a split second at the suggestion and Quil let out a loud guffaw from where he stood leaning against the refrigerator. "Be careful in there, man," he sneered, "but make sure you let me know what kind of strange, torture devices she has hanging up on her wall."

I rolled my eyes at Quil for a second time that day. "You staying here, Rachel?" I asked, focusing once again on our conversation.

She nodded. "We talked about it last night when Sue called me. Rumor has it my brother's trying to ignore everyone who cares about him, so I'm probably just going to crash here." She cast a brief glance toward Embry as he started up the stairs with her stuff before looking back at us. "Plus, there's not really room at the house for me, Jacob, Rebecca and her husband, so I figured I'd let them have the spare room."

"Rachel, honey!"

Sue reappeared from the living room and threw one arm lovingly around Rachel's shoulders upon entering the kitchen, giving her an affectionate squeeze and landing a kiss on her cheek. "I'm glad to see you made it here safely."

Rachel smiled as Sue pulled away to tend to the unaccompanied casserole she'd left on the counter, squeezing past the multitude of people congregating in the small room. Noticing the difficulty, Rachel took a few steps back, through the doorway until she was in the house's entrance. I followed her and Quil did the same, although he continued past us to the living room where the rest of the men and his grandfather were gathered.

"Have you talked to Jake?" I asked Rachel, leaning against the doorframe separating the entryway from the kitchen.

Rachel shook her head. "I tried calling a few times last night before I left, but he didn't answer." She rolled her eyes. "I love my brother, I do, but this doesn't surprise me. I mean, it does a little but at the same time, it doesn't." She took a deep, ragged breath and didn't look up from a spot in the corner when she continued. "Him and my dad were really close, probably more so than me and Rebecca were with him. We didn't waste any time getting out of here when we could and when Dad's health started going downhill and he ended up in the wheelchair, Jake was always the one around taking care of him, spending time with him. He loved our mother, but he was still little when she died. He and my dad, though? They had a pretty special bond, especially after she died…" Her voice drifted off as I watched her eyes glaze over with unshed tears.

It hurt to watch Rachel. It hurt to watch her talk about losing her mother and now, losing her father. I couldn't fathom the feeling that came with losing both parents. To me, it was an unimaginable burden to even think about, let alone bear.

"I haven't talked to him either," I murmured. "Not since last night." I stopped as I heard footsteps coming down the stairs to my right. I glanced toward the sound as Embry descended the last few steps, his dark eyes on Rachel and me as he did.

Rachel scoffed, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "Yeah, that sounds like Jake. He's stubborn." Rachel eyed Embry warily as she spoke, cocking an eyebrow before she continued. "Just ask Embry here. Did he ever tell you about the time Jake clocked him in the face after my mother's funeral?"

Embry groaned as he leaned one arm against the bannister, and I smiled in spite myself. "So I've heard," I chuckled, eyeing Embry as I remembered his version of the story from the drive home last night. He had one corner of his mouth pulled up in a half-smile and he was shaking his head in Rachel's general direction.

Rachel's cocky grin turned into a laugh as she saw the look splayed across Embry's features. "Oh, yeah. Jake got him good. Poor kid. You were just a little shit back then," Rachel pressed on, reaching out and playfully pushing Embry's shoulder. "You sported those black eyes for, what, like a solid month?"

"Give or take," Embry quipped before slowly pushing himself off the bannister, offering a soft smile to both of us as he retreated into the living room before Rachel could give him any more grief about the hug-turned-busted-nose.

The smile slowly melted from Rachel's face and her eyes once again redirected to mine. She sighed, as if she already knew the outcome to what she was about to say. "I'll probably head over there this afternoon, try to talk to him. I need to get some of Dad's stuff anyway." She managed another small smile before reaching out and taking my hand. "I'm gonna head upstairs and clean up. I'm glad you're here, Bella, again. It's nice to see you." With that, she let my hand fall and turned, trotting quickly up the stairs.

I watched her go until I knew she had closed herself into the confines of the small upstairs bathroom. It was really good to see Rachel, too, and it helped the ache in my chest to see her dealing with Billy's death in a way completely opposite of Jacob, a way that could easily be defined as healthy.

As I stood there, my mind drifted to her heading over to see Jacob this afternoon and could only hope that perhaps she'd be able to make a dent in the wall Jacob had erected around himself, a wall none of us seemed capable of penetrating.

* * *

Several hours later, the laughter, the cooking, the bean snapping, the food, the many bodies packed into the Clearwater house all started to become too much.

Charlie eventually showed up, armed with a grocery bag filled with Sue's requests to complete a couple of her dishes. He didn't stick around, though. He was there long enough to chat with Old Quil and some of the elder tribe members gathered at the Clearwater house, give Rachel a hug, unclog the garbage disposal in the kitchen for Sue, and enjoy a heaping plate of food come dinner time. Shortly after, he made himself scarce, telling me to come home when I was ready and telling Sue to call him if she needed any help, or anything at all for that matter.

After Charlie left, I found myself growing more and more anxious that anyone had yet to hear from Jacob. Rachel headed to the house a couple hours earlier and still hadn't returned, which only helped to multiply the uncomfortable gnawing in my stomach. I felt the sudden urge to leave and make sure everything was alright, similar to the one I felt that morning when I pulled into the Blacks' driveway simply hoping for a glimpse at Jacob.

It didn't take much for me to slip out of the Clearwater home unnoticed – well, almost unnoticed. After I shrugged into my jacket and walked quietly toward the front door, I paused for a moment when my fingers reached the doorknob. Looking over my shoulder toward the living room, I saw Embry sitting on the arm of the couch among a dozen other people. His eyes bore a hole right through me, and I realized I'd been busted as a perplexed look spread across his face as he watched me try to escape without saying goodbye.

My shoulders slumped and I returned his gaze, casting him a pleading glance as his forehead creased and his eyebrows lowered over his eyes. A moment later, he nonchalantly stood and excused himself from the conversation he was having with Quil and Old Quil and slipped toward where I stood by the door. I slunk back in the corner to avoid anyone seeing me standing there as he trotted into the home's entrance.

"Hey," he murmured quietly, stuffing his hands in his pockets as he stopped in front of me. "You leaving?"

I nodded. "Yeah. I'm gonna drive by the house one more time, just to see…"

Embry's face screwed up in protest. "Bella…"

"Embry, I just want to see him. He doesn't have to talk. I just want to make sure he's still physically standing there and in one piece, and I just want to be there, if that's where he wants me," I hissed, trying to keep my voice at a level that wouldn't attract any attention. "I know everyone keeps telling me to give him space, but I just – I just can't NOT be there for him. I can't NOT worry. That's like telling me not to breathe."

A sympathetic and understanding look crossed Embry's face and he sighed. "Do you want one of us to go with you?"

I felt a smile pull at the corner of my mouth. Why couldn't everything right now be this easy, this straightforward? I shook my head. "I'll be fine. Rachel's probably still there, but if he's not there – or if he doesn't answer the door again – I'm going home. End of story."

Embry's lips curled up in return. "You're kinda stubborn. Jake's pretty spot-on about that one."

The pull swiftly turned into an authentic smile. It surprised me how easy it came, and I chocked it up to the mention of Jake and me and a time when Billy was here and life didn't seem so damn complicated. "Guilty as charged," I quipped, my hand moving to my mouth in a half-guilty attempt to cover the smile. "You get used to it after awhile."

Embry chuckled. "Right." With that, he turned to retreat back into the living room.

"Hey, Em?"

He paused, looking over his shoulder expectantly.

I let the smile linger on my lips. "Thanks again for last night."

He shrugged nonchalantly. "It was nothing, Bella. I just did what any good friend would do."

I shook my head. "It wasn't nothing. It meant a lot to me. It's not your job to be there for me, but I just wanted you to know that I was grateful for it."

It was Embry's turn to smile. "Well, you're welcome."

The rain had stopped and the sun, which was barely visible through the thick cloud cover, was just starting to sink below the expanse of pine trees as I drove the short distance to Jacob's house. Silently, I was hoping Rachel would still be there. If she was, I knew she would answer the door. I meant every word I spoke to Embry. I wasn't going to force Jacob to talk or admit to me he was fine – I knew it wouldn't be true, even if he did. I had to just keep letting him know I was _there_.

As I pulled into the driveway, my breath left me in a quick and startling _whoosh_.

Directly in front of my truck, I could make out two figures sitting on the steps of the front porch. One was female and judging by the russet skin and long, black hair, I knew it was Rachel. The other figure was unmistakable, even as far away as I was. I could make out his broad shoulders, his long neck, his unkempt hair that jutted in every direction like it had a mind of its own, the definition of every single line in his arms. Their faces lifted as my truck rumbled down the driveway, and I couldn't describe the wave of relief that washed over me as neither moved when I pulled up next to Rachel's compact car and slipped the truck into park.

I hesitantly shut the truck off and opened the door, the loud groaning sound it made causing me to wince at it shot through the silence like a bullet. If Rachel or Jacob minded, they didn't say or do anything to let on to it. Instead, Rachel just looked at me, her face full of sadness and pity, and Jacob didn't acknowledge my presence as he continued to stare at a spot on the ground in front of him.

Taking a deep breath, I shut the door and took a tentative step forward. As I did, Rachel sighed and looked at her brother. Without a word, she leaned over and gave him an affectionate kiss on the cheek. As she pulled away, she rested her forehead on Jacob's temple, closing her eyes and taking another deep breath. "See you tomorrow, little brother," she whispered before tearing her face away and looking at me. She forced a small smile in my direction before rising to her feet. After a moment, her eyes fell to the ground and she abandoned her post next to her brother, walking toward her car.

I remained rooted where I was as Rachel started her car and flipped on the headlights. I held my breath as she backed out of the spot and turned around in the grass, slowly creeping down the driveway toward the road. I reminded myself to breathe as she turned onto the pavement. I swallowed thickly as I watched her tail lights disappear through the trees.

When I could no longer hear the sound of her motor, I turned back toward Jacob. He was still staring at the ground, his arms leaning on his knees and his hands clasped tightly in front of him. I decided against speaking. Instead, I took a few tentative steps toward him. When he didn't protest, I effortlessly closed the gap between us before I could talk myself out of it or convince myself it wasn't a good idea.

I plopped down on the stairs next to him, careful to leave a few inches between us. The action felt strange. Purposely putting distance between Jacob and I was something I could barely fathom and it pulled at my nerves. After several long, awkward moments, I finally managed to speak. "Hey," I whispered, inwardly cringing at the callousness of it.

It took Jacob the same amount of time to respond. "Hey," he eventually said, his voice thick with detachment.

I shuddered automatically at the tone of his voice, but I blamed it on the cool breeze filtering its way through the trees. It was easier that way, easier to swallow. "I stopped by this morning," I continued.

Jacob looked up, but instead of looking at me, he stared out toward the road. "I know."

My stomach clenched as I remembered a fluttering curtain falling back into place. "You know…" I repeated.

Jacob nodded. "I didn't really feel like talking."

"Oh." I sat there, repeatedly wringing my hands together in my lap. "So I just came from Sue's…"

Jacob simply continued nodding. "Yeah, Rachel told me everyone was over there."

"That's good," I replied. The small talk was painful, almost more so then the silence preceding it. "Did she tell you Rebecca is going to be here tomorrow night?"

"Yeah."

I released a quiet sigh as we sat there, as I struggled inwardly at trying to push this conversation past simple narrative. I let the words sit on my tongue for several long moments before I finally opened my mouth and allowed them to escape. "Jake, I'm worried about you…"

Jake scoffed. "Why? You shouldn't be."

My mouth fell open slightly as I gaped at him. _Why_ was I worried about him? What kind of question _was_ that? "Jake, your entire family – pretty much the entire tribe – is all over at the Clearwaters making plans for your father's funeral and you're not there."

Suddenly, Jake was on his feet, his back toward me. "Dammit, Bella!" he exclaimed as he turned around to face me, his eyes boring holes through me. "Is that why you came over here? To lecture me?"

I continued to gape, unsure of how my words had provoked his reaction. "No! Of course not!" I stopped, closing my mouth and taking a deep breath. This was all coming out wrong. "Jake, I'm not trying to lecture you – I just…"

"You just what?" Jacob spat, his voice teetering on the edge of anger. "Came over here to tell me I need to stand up and be the man in this family because 'that's what I am now'? I just heard it from Rachel, so you might as well let me have it, too."

"Jacob, that's not what I was going to say!" Now I was losing control. I stopped, rubbing my face with my hands. As I did, words flooded my memory, words from a conversation that already seemed like a lifetime ago.

" _You know Jake as well as I do, Bells. He's stubborn, he thinks he can deal with stuff like this on his own, and he doesn't want anyone's help or sympathy. When he was nine, he dealt with it by punching me in the face. Now, he deals with it by shutting down and emotionally pushing people away. Sam can't bully him out of it, and neither can we."_

I sighed, remembering Embry's advice. I had to get control. I had to get just the right amount of distance so Jacob didn't feel the need to push me away. "I just – I just wanted to make sure you was okay."

Jacob rolled his eyes. "I'm fine. Happy?"

I cocked an eyebrow. "Jake…"

"I'm _fine_ ," he repeated.

I sighed again. "I don't think you are," I murmured, "but that's okay. It's okay to not be fine. I'm not here to make you do anything you don't want to do. I'm here just to be here, Jake, if you need someone to talk to. Or I'm here if you want someone to sit next to you and not say a word. Hell, I'm here if you just want to tell me to go home." I paused, watching as Jacob's features started to thaw and the anger lines slowly started to dissipate from his face. "But mainly I'm here because I love you and when you love someone, this is what you do."

Jacob's shoulders sagged and he closed his eyes, his breath leaving him in a hurried noise. It was apparent he didn't have the strength in him to fight, and he didn't speak a word as he took a few steps and approached me, collapsing on the porch steps into the space he'd occupied seconds earlier. I felt mildly relieved to have him next to me once again.

We sat like that for an infinite amount of moments. He didn't say anything and neither did I – we didn't need to. I was certain my words had gotten through to him, if only a little bit. He was no longer taking deep breaths, no longer bristling. After several minutes, I reached out and tentatively brushed my fingers over his knee, gauging his reaction. When he didn't pull away, didn't flinch, I let my hand rest there. It felt good to touch him. If this were all I could do to comfort him I would happily take it.

I carefully studied Jacob's features as I sat there. His dark eyes were no longer on fire. They were blank, staring at something only he could see. His lips were pursed, almost like he had something to say but wasn't sure where to begin.

I took a deep breath. "What can I do for you, Jake?" I whispered.

He sighed as one by one he let the words sink in. "Honestly?" He turned his head and looked at me skeptically. A subtle shiver ran up my spine and fanned down the length of my arms, leaving goose bumps in its wake. I hated the emptiness in his eyes. I hated how this seemed to suck the very life from them, the very essence of what made Jacob _him_.

Casting that aside, I nodded, squeezing his leg. "Anything."

In that moment, Jacob turned away, almost as if he'd heard the thoughts passing through my head. "Please stop saying that word.'"

I frowned, my forehead creasing as my eyebrows pulled down over my eyes. "What word?"

"Everyone keeps saying it," Jacob continued, his lip quivering. "They keep saying that word. You said it's _okay_ if I feel this way, Rachel said everything's going to be _okay_ – everyone keeps saying it." He stopped, glancing at me out of the corner of his eye and biting down on his lower lip before he pressed on. "I just want everyone to quit saying it because I don't feel okay – _this_ doesn't feel _okay_." He threw up his hands in an exaggerated motion as if the words he spoke were directed at the entire world, or perhaps a much larger power responsible for the events set in motion the past 24 hours.

In that moment, I felt a tear escape my eye at the anguish, the desperation in Jacob's request; however, it was far from unattainable. If simply watching my choice of words was how he wanted me to help him, I would do it without question.

"I can do that," I murmured, squeezing his leg again and trailing my fingers over his demin-covered skin. I could feel the heat from his body seeping through the material and I greedily let it warm my hand.

Jacob watched my fingers perform the simple action and he nodded curtly. "Thanks, Bella. If you want to help, that's the only way I can think of right now."

I smiled warmly at him while he continued to stare at the tree line. While he watched something else, I only watched him as the light receded farther behind the trees, bathing the lawn and the place we sat in a comfortable twilight. As the light also left Jacob's eyes, I swear I saw a flicker. A flicker of hope? Of love? I wasn't sure, but whatever it was, I welcomed it for the briefest of moments before it disappeared into the darkness.


	5. Goodbye

_**Music Suggestions: "Lament" by Balmorhea, "Cold" by Aqualung and Lucy Schwartz, "Said and Done" by Meiko** _

Billy Black was laid to rest on a Wednesday.

Under cloud-filled skies that expelled tears in the form of cold, frequent raindrops, his friends and family gathered in a circle around the spot that would be the forever resting place of a great man – a man whom I respected and a man who was loved by many.

During the simple and touching service performed by the tribal healer, I stood next to Charlie, my arm laced through his. The high heels I had thought of not wearing several times sunk slowly into the moist earth the longer I stood in one place.

I ignored it the best I could and in a comforting gesture, I placed my hand on my father's forearm and kept it there.

While my comfort physically was with my father, my eyes and my heart remained with Jacob, who stood a few feet away from the foot of the casket, each one of his hands on the shoulder of Rachel and Rebecca. A part of me feared he wouldn't be here, but a larger part of me wasn't surprised. He would never disrespect his father by not attending something as important as this.

I hadn't spoken to Jacob since Sunday night on his porch. I couldn't accurately explain why I held my cell phone in my hands plenty of times after dialing his number, only to quickly hit the end button, but something in our conversation had given me the slightest bit of comfort. I was left with the feeling that no matter how guarded he was, no matter how long it took, he'd still be there with me when it was all said and done. So I didn't push it.

As I stood there now, I couldn't tear my eyes away from them. While Rachel stood stoic and proud, her eyes betrayed her as I could see all the grief responsible for paralyzing her body. Rebecca, on the other hand, didn't hold back as she let the tears fall freely down her face. Her left hand was clasped tightly in the hand of her husband, Solomon.

Across from Charlie and I stood each of the pack members, evenly spaced and facing the simple wooden casket, curved around it as if they were protecting Billy even in his final journey. My eyes traveled to each one of them as they stood completely still, their hands securely placed in front of them. Sam stood closest to the healer, followed by Paul, Jared, Seth, Leah, Quil and finally Embry. Their expressions were solemn, their eyes fixated intently on the casket. The site and all its symbolism, its poignant sadness was enough to make my heart shatter.

My warm tears mixed with the cold drops of rain making their way down my cheeks. Overhead, thunder rumbled through the dense cover of clouds, which threatened to unleash a downpour on the mournful gathering below. It made sense to me – sunshine just didn't seem appropriate for an occasion such as this.

The healer finished speaking within minutes. He was replaced by a group of tribal elders, who concluded the ceremony with a traditional Quileute song and chant. Their voices rang through the expanse of the Quileute burial ground, echoing off the dense pines surrounding the area. The melody of their song, mixed with the sounds made by their voices and the steady pulsing of a drum beat, pulled at something inside me and I clutched at Charlie's arm for dear life, quiet sobs escaping my throat as I looked toward a future without Billy, toward a future where Jacob and his family would never be the same.

_Jacob._

Through my tears, my eyes traveled back to Jacob. He now stood with both hands on Rachel's shoulders, hanging on to them tightly as Rebecca leaned into her husband's embrace, clinging to his lapel and watching as Paul, Jared and Leah walked somberly to the opposite side of the casket. Sam took a few steps and positioned himself at the head of it while Seth, Quil and Embry spread out but remained where they were. I watched as they each kneeled to pick up the rope that would be used to lower the modest encasement into the ground. As they stood, Sam's eyes flickered toward Jacob and the empty space near the foot of the casket.

Leaning forward and giving Rachel a quick yet loving kiss on the cheek, Jacob stepped out from behind his sister. His eyes locked with Sam's and he took several steps through the rain, bypassing the spot intended for him. Within moments, he was at Sam's right side when his fingers came out and gingerly took the rope just below Sam's hand. Sam nodded swiftly, his eyes conveying sympathy and respect, before he stepped aside, allowing Jacob to take his rightful place. Without a word, Sam promptly moved to the foot of the casket.

The drum beat in rhythm with my pounding heart and the chants were as fluid as my tears as I watched Jacob and his brothers effortlessly lift the casket from the ground and ease it into the awaiting spot within the earth. I watched Sam's resigned expression as he stood before the entire tribe, proving in even the most tragic of moments, he was capable of leading and setting a strong example for the others. I watched the subtle yet agonized look flash across Embry's features as he moved in perfect harmony with his brothers as they lowered the casket inch by inch. Even through the rain, I watched the unmistakable tears streak down Seth's rosy cheeks as he did the same.

Mostly, though, I watched Jacob. I noticed his jaw tighten and his lips purse as the casket hit the moist ground with a thud. My heart nearly fell with him as he stumbled back, letting the handmade mechanism fall into the ground behind the casket. I crumbled into pieces as he fought it, his mouth falling open and his chest heaving, pushing back against everything growing inside him to avoid ripping apart at the seams.

Somewhere in the midst of this, Charlie's arm disappeared from beneath my hands. It reappeared moments later around my shoulders, hugging me to him. In a warm gesture, he leaned down and quickly kissed the top of my head before resting his cheek there. "It's okay, Bella," he whispered. "It'll be alright." He rubbed my arm soothingly with the hand resting on it, up and down, trying to ease the trembling I hadn't even realized was quaking from my body.

After a moment, I forced myself to take several deep breaths, ignoring the rain as it picked up and pelted my face with cold, hard drops. I simply wiped my hair from my eyes along with the tears still lingering there. When I tried to wiggle from Charlie's grip and found myself unable to move, I stepped out of my heels instead and felt the mud between my toes, suddenly feeling lighter than I had since before I arrived at the burial ground.

The crowd gathered to pay their respects began to disperse slowly, most pulling out umbrellas to make the walk home or returning to their vehicles. To me, the service felt over before it even began. Twenty minutes didn't seem like enough time to pay homage to a man that meant so much to his tribe and so much to his family.

Regardless, I stood in the rain a few feet from Charlie. I watched as Rebecca pulled away from her husband and put her hands on Rachel's shoulders, gently pulling her away. When Rachel refused to move from her spot, Rebecca leaned in and whispered something in her ear before resting her forehead for a moment on Rachel's arm. Seconds later, Rachel's shoulders sagged and her face crumpled as she finally let out the pain that was consuming her inside. As she gave in to her grief, Rachel allowed Rebecca to take her hand and lead her away from the gravesite toward their car. The entire way, Rachel peered over her shoulder, her eyes never leaving the place where her father's body awaited the final steps of its burial.

I felt Charlie approach me, but I didn't move. "Bells, I'm gonna go wait in the car. Come when you're ready." With that, he turned and I felt his presence next to me disappear.

Turning my face toward the gravesite, I saw Jacob still standing at the head of the open area of earth, staring into it intently. According to Emily, it was part of their tribe's burial customs to allow the family to place the unearthed dirt back over the casket, completing the burial process. Several feet away, the members of the pack waited to finish the ritual in place of the family but remained distant, allowing Jacob a moment as the last two people raised their heads and turned to leave the burial grounds.

By now, my black wrap dress was completely soaked and clinging awkwardly to my body while my dark hair fell in wet clumps around my face. As I watched Jake standing before his father's grave, his hands clenched into tight fists and he finally tore his eyes away, looking straight up to meet my gaze from across the several feet that separated us. He looked defeated, he looked lost, but most of all, he looked destroyed.

The plea in his eyes carried me forward as I took an easy yet unsteady step across the soaked ground. The second step came as effortlessly as the first as I felt myself being pulled toward him. His chest heaving, Jacob took a step forward as well, his anguish-filled gaze holding mine as he did. Within moments we reached one another, standing only inches apart as rain streaked down our faces, leaving our skin and bodies cold.

Jacob's breaths were deep and ragged as he finally tore his eyes from mine, looking toward the ground, his mouth twisted slightly open. His shoulders slumped forward and I heard a noise rise from deep in his throat. "Bella…" he whispered, the word nearly getting lost in the sound of the rain hitting the nearby trees.

Stomach wrenching, I slowly reached forward and tentatively placed both hands on his cheeks. Expecting a fight from him, it didn't come and my breath left me in quick sigh as he let me comfort him, his eyes closing as he leaned one cheek into my palm. The tears once again fell down my cheeks, one after another, as I let the warmth of his skin soak into my hand and spread throughout my body. I softly stroked his face with my fingers, trying with everything I had to draw the pain from him. I could feel his hands desperately grasping my waist, clinging to the damp material of my dress.

Jacob opened his eyes slightly, but never actually looked at me. I could see them completely glaze over as I took one step forward, my arms slowly easing beyond his face to wrap around his neck. "Jake," I murmured through the rain and tears. "It will be okay."

Suddenly, a loud and frustrated growl erupted from Jacob's mouth and I felt the warmth retreat from around my waist. Before I realized what was happening, I felt a force on my arms as Jacob pushed me away from him. While he hadn't used all his strength, it was enough to send me backward, stumbling, onto the ground. I used my elbows to cushion the fall, sinking slightly into the mud. My mouth gaping, it took only a second to realize what happened and what I'd said to cause him to turn on me. I tipped my face up at Jacob, who was now towering over me. His breath was teetering on the edge of panic and guilt intertwined with the grief on his face. It took another second to see the other pack members quickly approach Jacob from behind, ready to spring into action to protect me, to protect him from himself should he lose control.

As I stared into his eyes, I knew he wouldn't lose control. But the reality of what had happened, as I felt my arms sinking into the soggy ground and the mud soaking through the fabric of my dress, literally took hold of my heart and twisted with all its might. He very well could have slapped me across the face. It felt no different.

"Jacob? Jacob!" I could hear Sam's insistent voice trying to break Jacob out of his trance. I remained frozen, trying to force the shock from my body, when suddenly Quil and Embry were kneeling next to me.

"Are you alright?" Embry murmured, leaning in front of me to obstruct my view of Jake.

The coolness of the rain was overtaking me and I started to tremble, but I briefly looked at Embry and nodded. A second later, I felt hands under my arms, swiftly hauling me to my feet. I could feel Quil and Embry at my back, as well as the cool, wet mud sliding down the backs of my bare legs. The entire time, I never looked away from Jacob, who finally looked at me. Regret and sadness laced across his features. "I told you…not to say…," he rasped, backing away one step, then another, then another. "I can't do this."

"Jake…" His name got lost in my throat as it struck me.

His eyes were pained as he shook his head, continuing to back away. "I can't." With that, he turned and broke out into a run toward the woods.

"Jake!" I repeated, as my own two feet unwillingly stepped forward to follow him.

I made it three steps before another tall body was in front of me.

"Bella, don't." I looked up at Embry in confusion. His eyes pleaded with me, begging me to remember a conversation that seemed so long ago.

It took a second to register before the words came flooding back. My head cleared a bit as I looked down at the ground where I'd been sprawled out only moments earlier. _He was pushing me away – still_ , I thought. He almost let me in, but it was too much. Had I imagined what I'd seen Sunday night? I was starting to believe I had.

 _If you keep pushing, Bella, you're going to get hurt_.

Swallowing back bile in my throat, I nodded, wrapping my arms around myself to ease the trembling and the aching in my stomach.

* * *

Sadness cast a shadow on the Swan household that night. It was heavy and silent, and Charlie and I went through the motions, eagerly awaiting the passing of each minute till we would see a new day and could put this one behind us.

After eating a dinner I barely remember making, I retreated upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom. As I turned the hot water on to fill the bathtub, I sat on the edge and stared at my hands, thinking back on Billy's funeral and the events that transpired briefly following it.

It was becoming painfully obvious Jacob wasn't going to let me in anytime soon. This wasn't like it had been with me when Edward left. All those months ago, no one had been able to get through the impermeable barrier I had created around myself – no one, that is, except for Jacob.

But this wasn't me. This was Jacob, and this obviously wasn't the same situation.

I remembered the feeling of hitting the ground when Jacob physically pushed me away, I remembered how it felt as he stood over me, his hands and body shaking. I trembled as I reached out to shut off the bathtub faucet. I wondered how long it would be until he gave in, stopped fighting his grief and let himself truly suffer the loss of his father. Until then, I fully expected to be kept beyond arm's length.

Regardless of how long it would be until that happened, I knew I would wait. I knew I would let him keep pushing, and I would simply plant my feet and stay rooted beside him the best I could. I loved Jacob more than anything. Not only that, I was indebted to him for standing by me and bringing me back to life once when everyone thought I was too far gone to be saved. I gave up on my own life once but I wouldn't give up on his.

I spent the better part of the next hour soaking in the bathtub. I simply lay there, letting the warm water ease away both the physical and emotional pain of the day. I leaned by head back against the cool tile surrounding the tub and closed my eyes, concentrating on taking deep, even breaths instead of reliving the day's moments that led me to where I was.

A knock on the door disrupted me from my trance and I sat up quickly, water sloshing over the edge of the tub.

"Bella?" It was Charlie. "You okay in there?"

I drew my knees up to my chest and looked at the door. "Yeah, Dad, I'm fine. Just taking a bath."

There was a pause on his end. "Okay. Just checking. I'm gonna head to bed, k?"

"Uh, yeah – sure, Dad. Goodnight."

"Night, Bells." With that, I heard his footsteps shuffle away from the bathroom and down the hall toward his room. A moment later, I heard the door shut behind him.

Staring at the door for another minute, I sighed and leaned forward, switching the lever down to drain the tub.

A minute later, I padded to my bedroom, wrapped in a towel. I quickly dried off and changed into a pair of sleep shorts and a tank top, finishing my ritual by wringing the water from my hair with the towel and running a brush through it. When I was done, I realized how stifling it was in my bedroom and walked to the large window facing the backyard. With one swift motion, I pushed it open, instantly feeling relief as the cool, damp air rushed in.

I returned to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I watched myself in the mirror as I did. The day had been so emotionally exhausting and you could see it in my eyes. They looked tired, defeated almost as I stood there. I silently wondered how long it would be before I smiled again.

I walked back to my room, more than ready to call it a night. After securely closing the door behind me, I turned toward my bed. Immediately, my hand flew to my mouth to suppress the scream that rose quickly in my throat.

Jacob was sitting on the edge of my bed, his elbows resting on his knees and his mouth resting against his clasped hands. It was the same position I'd found him in at his house Sunday night. For a moment, he didn't acknowledge my presence, but he eventually looked right at me, his intense stare burning a hole right through me.

I dropped my hand from my mouth, letting the dissipated scream leave my mouth in a rough exhale. "Jesus, Jake. You scared me to death!" I hissed, my hand traveling to my chest. Under my fingers, my heart was racing.

Jacob didn't respond. Instead, he just continued to stare at me. Grimacing under the intensity of his gaze, I pressed on. "How'd you get in here?" When his gaze flicked toward the open window, I nodded in understanding.

Sighing, I approached him cautiously. "What's up?" I whispered. It was the best I could come up with. I didn't dare ask him if he was okay – I already knew the answer, the reaction to that question. I didn't want to ask why he was here because he knew he was welcome at my house, no matter what.

Jacob looked at me again, pulling his face slightly away from his clasped hands. He took a deep breath, as if giving himself the strength to speak. "I had to come," he said, his voice rough. "Bella…I'm sorry about earlier."

He was talking about what happened following his father's funeral. I didn't have to ask to know. The look on his face confirmed it. I sighed again. "It's fine, Jake. Really – I'm alright."

Jacob's face screwed up in a mixture of anger and sadness. "No, Bella, it's not alright. I could have hurt you. I almost _did_ hurt you. That's not fine."

My face wrinkling in sympathy and understanding, I looked at the empty spot on the bed next to him. "Jake, can I sit down?"

He, too, looked at the spot then back at the floor. He nodded. I crossed the short distance separating us and sat next to him. "Jake," I said, turning and crossing one leg under me so I was facing him. "You weren't trying to hurt me. I know this. You don't have to apologize."

"But I do," he replied, still staring at the floor. "What I did was…disrespectful to you."

"Jake…" I murmured, reaching out and gingerly brushing my fingers down the length of his bicep. "It's not a big deal. You have enough to deal with right now without adding me into the mix."

Jacob shook his head again. "Bella, you don't understand. That person at the funeral today? That wasn't me. The person who pushed you into the mud like you didn't matter? That wasn't me. I don't know where any of this is coming from."

I withdrew my hand and placed it in my lap. "You're dealing with this best way you know how. No one can blame you for that."

Jacob scoffed. "The best way I know how? Bella, I'm _not_ dealing with this. I'm not dealing with this at all."

"You're still processing…"

"I'm not!" Jacob interrupted, his breath picking up speed. For a moment, he closed his eyes and concentrated, trying to will himself to calm down. I held my breath, too, until he finally opened his mouth to continue. "Bella, I know he's gone, I do. But I don't feel anything except emptiness. Emptiness and anger. When I'm not angry at everything and everyone for living, I'm empty."

"Jake, I don't think anyone expects you to be 100 percent…"

Jacob held up his hand, casting a sideways glance at me. "Let me get this out, Bells, please."

My heart warmed at the sound of my nickname falling from his lips.

He continued. "When my mom died, it was rough for awhile. But my dad was there. He was there showing me we had to put one foot in front of the other, that our family still had to exist even if my mom wasn't around to be a part of it." I watched Jacob's hands wringing together in his lap. His fingers were trembling. "But now my dad's gone…" His voice broke slightly after the five words left his mouth. He took another breath and pressed on. "Bella, I feel like my family is destroyed. Without my dad, it seems like nothing makes sense anymore. I don't know how to be what the tribe is going to want me to be, what my sisters are going to want me to be – not without him." He looked at me again and my chest tightened as I watched a lone tear trickle down his cheek. "Bella, I don't know how to live in a world that my father's not in."

My heart broke at Jacob's confession. It shattered all over again when I saw his guard drop, when I realized he finally was letting me in, if only for a moment. The wall he'd built around his pain left him as his body shook, not out of anger but out of grief instead. I watched Jacob's face contort as a painful sob left his throat. He didn't let me see it for long as he quickly leaned forward and covered his face with his hands.

Fighting back my own tears, I crossed the distance between us and wrapped my arms around Jacob, pulling him to me. He didn't fight me this time as he buried his face in my chest, clinging to my arms for dear life, allowing me to hold him as the cries he'd been holding in for days finally left his body with a frightening vengeance. I rested my cheek on his head and stroked his hair with my fingers, letting the onslaught of emotions ride its course.

Several minutes later, I hadn't moved. Jacob's cries had slowed and now, he was slowly fighting to regain control. I remained steadfast, continuing to stroke his hair. I turned my face and softly kissed the top of his head. "I love you, Jacob," I whispered. "We'll figure out how to get through this, I promise."

Jacob didn't say a word. Instead he sniffled and gripped my arms tighter. "Can I stay here tonight, Bella? I can't go back to that house. Not right now." He took a breath and he shuddered as he exhaled. "I just want to feel normal for a little while, like it used to be."

My heart skipped a beat and I nodded, placing another loving kiss on top of his head. "Of course you can."

* * *

We fell asleep not long after Jacob asked if he could stay.

Tonight, the way we fell asleep on a normal day was reversed. I lay on my back, my arm outstretched then wrapped around Jacob. He was nestled into my side, one arm draped across my chest and his head resting in the crook of my arm. We lay there in silence, the lights off and a quilt pulled over us. The only sounds were the rain coming in from the open window and our breathing, intertwined with an occasional sniffle from Jacob. I was still awake when Jake's breathing turned regular and he began to snore softly.

Listening to his deep, even breaths, I held him tightly to me, elated he was comfortable and at peace, if only temporarily. It wasn't long before I eventually drifted off into a light but pleasant sleep.

It seemed like only moments later when I heard a breathy whisper slice through the darkness. I turned my head toward it, my mind still foggy with sleep and my eyes unwilling to open.

"Bella? Bella, wake up."

Was I dreaming? It didn't feel like it, but the voice seemed so far away. Slowly, I willed myself into consciousness and opened my eyes. Even in the dark, I could make out Jacob's face, his strong and well-defined features hovering over me. The heat radiating from him was nearly overpowering. I halfheartedly brought my hand up and ran my fingers down his cheek, my face wrinkling with concern through my sleepy haze. "What's wrong? Are you alright?" For just a moment, I peered past Jacob to the large-numbered alarm clock on my desk. 2:30 a.m.

Jacob nodded and I felt him caress the side of my face. In the darkness, it almost looked like he smiled. "Bella, I just wanted you to know I love you. No matter what happens, don't forget that, okay?"

I gave him a confused look. "Jake, I know that. I love you, too. Is everything alright?"

He nodded again. "I told you I just wanted to feel normal again…happy…just for a minute…" His voice drifted off. He didn't continue what he was saying. Instead, he leaned down and gently covered my lips in a soft kiss. It took a moment to recover from the initial surprise of his action and only one more to respond to his kiss. Bringing my arms up, I wrapped them around his neck and laced my fingers through his hair, holding him to me like he would disappear if I didn't.

I hadn't kissed him in four days. Saturday seemed like a lifetime ago, and as he deepened the kiss, I realized how much I needed this to feel normal, to feel like me.

Kissing Jacob was home for me.

I loosened my grip on Jacob as he rose up onto his hands and knees, never breaking the kiss but repositioning himself so he hovered above me. His legs straddled one of mine as he reached up, running his fingers down the length of my jaw, continuing down my bare shoulder till he squeezed my arm tightly, the action eliciting a wave of chills through me. Meanwhile, my hands found his waist, flirting with the exposed skin between his t-shirt and the waistband of his jeans. His skin was almost on fire, but I refused to pull my fingers away from the heat.

Jacob broke the kiss, his lips leaving a blazing trail down my jaw toward my neck. He propped himself up with both hands, which rested on either side of my head, one slightly entangled in my hair. I turned my face and closed my eyes, allowing him access to the length of my neck. I felt his hot tongue on my skin as he roughly kissed and bit his way up to my ear, his breath in my ear sending shivers throughout my body.

When I let out a soft, involuntary moan, I heard a low growl in Jacob's chest and he swiftly worked his way back to my mouth, covering it fiercely with his and nipping at my bottom lip. His tongue found its way into my mouth and intertwined with mine while his hands traveled down across my stomach, finding the edge of my tank top and vehemently pushing his hands under the fabric. I trembled as they rubbed erratic patterns across my stomach, traveling upward until I felt them graze my breasts.

I gasped into Jacob's mouth as he squeezed them, the sensation sending an overpowering wave of heat coursing through me. My hands found his hips and gripped them tightly as he lowered his rigid body toward mine, rubbing himself against me as his mouth swallowed the pleasurable groan that escaped my throat. I found my hands venturing upward, gripping at the hem of his t-shirt, pulling it toward me, begging him to get rid of the obtrusive fabric.

Jacob obliged me as he rose up and pulled the t-shirt over his head, tossing it to the floor. He bent down and his lips violently sought out the sensitive skin near my belly button. I could feel him drag his tongue in slow, hungry circles as I grabbed handfuls of his hair. I felt my eyes roll toward the back of my head as the fingers on both his hands curled around the elastic waistband of my shorts, slowly pulling them down and following the trail with his mouth, leaving hot, wet kisses in his wake.

A quiet shriek left me at the ripping noise that echoed off the walls of my bedroom when Jacob decided to completely remove my shorts by tearing them off instead of sliding them down the rest of the way. I shivered as the cool air mixed with Jacob's tantalizingly hot breath against my skin

"Jake…" I breathed, grasping at his shoulders and attempting to pull him up so he was level with me. In the midst of the sudden onslaught of pleasure, doubt invaded my hazy thoughts. The intensity of Jacob's movements, the urgency behind his touch was unsettling. Everything was moving so fast, and I could already see the direction in which we were heading. I wasn't sure what had overcome Jacob in the moments leading up to when I opened my eyes as a result of his insistent request, but I had a feeling why and in that moment, I knew it wouldn't fix anything.

My thoughts were cut off and I gasped sharply as I felt his mouth disappear between my parted legs. For a split second, I forgot what I had been thinking as my vision blurred and I saw stars, my mouth falling open in pleasurable surprise. It took a moment to regain my bearings as Jacob's tongue pressed against the tiny collection of nerves, marking the point where I wasn't sure I could turn back, even if I wanted to.

I fisted Jacob's hair and pulled, but he didn't budge. When I tugged again, an irritated growl erupted from his mouth, the vibration from the noise causing me to shudder as the sensation spread like wildfire through my nerves. I could feel the fire in my cheeks as it spread down my neck and fanned out across my chest. "Jake, please…" The words came out in a throaty plea, the sound mixed with desire and uncertainty.

Jacob's mouth finally came to a rest and he looked up at me, licking his lips. My stomach tightened in anticipation at the action, but even in the dark, the look in his eyes was unmistakable. "Bella, please...," he whispered. His voice shook when he said it as did my adamant belief that I didn't want our first time to happen like this. "I need this – I need you."

"Jake," I pleaded, looking down at him through hooded eyes. "Not now. Not like this."

For a moment, Jacob didn't move – he simply stared at me, his chest rising with each labored breath he took and released. As I watched his eyes dart away from me, looking anywhere but my face, I felt like I'd hurt him, almost betrayed him in a way. I inwardly questioned my reluctance toward giving him what he wanted. Would it be so bad? To give him this if it would help him forget, if it would give him several minutes of normalcy? I loved him, he loved me – this was bound to happen eventually. Why couldn't it happen right now?

 _No_ , I thought to myself. _This isn't how it should be._ I didn't want him to hurt, but I knew we deserved better than this.

With a sigh, Jacob closed his eyes and crawled back toward the head of the bed, moving to the side and collapsing next to me. He didn't say anything as his walls fell back into place. Instead, he turned his back toward me with a sigh, his silence more painful than his protests.

I had a feeling I'd merely taken the knife inserted in his heart and twisted it a little more.

Silently, I sat up and slid off the bed, walking to my dresser and retrieving another pair of shorts. On my way back, I snuck a glance at Jacob. His eyes were open as he stared a hole through my bedroom door. He didn't look at me, but his face wasn't angry. Instead, it was overcome with a combination of hurt and indifference.

Crawling back into bed, I pulled the quilt over both Jacob and me as I lay down. Instead of letting my head hit the pillow, I propped myself up on my elbow and quietly rested my chin on Jacob's bicep. I sighed as I planted a soft kiss on the defined muscle in his arm. "I'm sorry," I whispered.

I could feel Jacob flinch. "Don't apologize, Bella. You didn't do anything wrong."

I knew I hadn't, but that didn't mean I believed it. "I know," I murmured in response. "I just feel like I hurt you even more somehow…"

"You didn't," Jacob responded quickly, bringing his right hand up and rubbing his eyes one at a time. "I shouldn't have done that. You're right – it wasn't a good idea."

I didn't believe him either, mostly because his voice dripped with too much resignation. I knew he would never force anything on me against my will, but I couldn't fight the nagging feeling that I had only hurt him more.

I took a deep breath before lying down, wrapping one arm around Jacob's body and pulling him close to me. He didn't protest and I closed my eyes, lightly pressing my face against the warm skin of his neck. "I love you," I said, the words leaving my mouth in an almost inaudible whisper.

I felt Jacob's breath catch before he released it in one swift movement. As I felt the sleep pulling at my eyelids, his reply finally came.

"I know."


	6. Full Circle

_**Suggested Listening: "Ashes and Wine" by A Fine Frenzy, "Silver Coin" by Angus & Julia Stone, "Draw Your Swords" by Angus & Julia Stone** _

" _It's definitely been a rough week. You know how Charlie is. He's been putting in extra hours at the station every night this week just to avoid being home and having it come up and being forced to talk about it at any length. But at least I know he's dealing with it – at least in his own way._

_Jake is a different story. He's devastated and I'm not sure how to help him. I've tried but it seems like every time he starts to let me in, I do something or something else happens that pushes him even farther away._

_Jacob is devastated and I'm not sure how to help him, Mom. But don't worry about me, okay? I'm doing fine. Love you._

_~ Bella_

With a sigh, I typed the last few letters of my name on the email destined for my mother, Renee, letting my fingers rest on the keys when I was done. I scanned the words, but didn't really read them again before I hit send. I wasn't sure what else I could say to her. I know Charlie had talked to Renee at least once since Billy died, but knowing Charlie, the conversation was brief. She'd called me a couple times but each time, I ignored it because – similar to the email – I didn't have the words. At least not words I wanted to say out loud.

_I'm crushed, Renee. Jacob is crushed. He's destroyed, and when he tried to let me in, asked me to help make it better, I grew a conscience and pushed him away when he needed me the most._

It would have been a good start. It would have been the truth.

Three days passed without a word from Jacob. It was now Saturday. A full week had passed since Billy's death, but time was deceiving. Seven days seemed like decades ago, but the gaping holes and the sudden inconsistencies in our lives were still fresh and very much at the surface of my day-to-day existence.

The morning after Jacob came to my room, I woke up alone. I didn't have to open my eyes to immediately notice the absence of heat next to me. I reached out with my arm to confirm he was indeed gone, and my heart dropped when I felt nothing except the cold bedspread under my fingertips.

Once I got up and dressed, I looked for a note, anything he may have left containing an explanation. I found nothing. No traces remained of Jacob except for the pillow on which he slept. A slight indentation from his head still remained, reassuring me he had indeed been there most of the night.

It took only a few more moments before I felt catapulted back to square one. It took only a couple more for the guilt to set in as I sat on the edge of my bed, staring at my hands, and played back every single moment, every last word that passed between us. I remembered Jacob's desperate kisses, the way his hands urgently moved across my body, as if he was trying to soak up every ounce of passion and every bit of happiness the instant allowed him.

As I sat there, my shoulders sagged with the weight of realizing what almost transpired had meant so much more to him than how I saw it. Caught up in the moment, I rationalized my hesitance knowing sex wouldn't change anything. It wouldn't change how Jacob would feel in the end, it wouldn't change the fact his father was gone and would only temporarily mask his sadness. It was the equivalent of putting a Band-Aid on a bullet hole – it was pointless.

But it _wasn't_ pointless.

As much as I tried to tell myself that, I knew it wasn't about the sex. It was about Jacob needing to feel normal, about needing to feel anything other than the way he was leading up to that moment. More than that, though, it was an act of utter desperation on Jacob's part. He wanted to feel _all_ of me in that moment. Perhaps more so, it was Jacob wanting to feel everything inside of _him_ that was buried by grief – all the memories, all the emotions, and – if he was lucky – an ounce of happiness. He was grasping at whatever he could to remember there was something to look forward to, something to be happy about, _someone_ for whom he should keep breathing in and out.

And I had let him down. I had let him down in the worst possible way.

My heart remained in my stomach for the rest of that day. I tried calling him after lunch that day, and I wasn't surprised when no one answered. I called back later that evening and was shocked when I heard the sound of someone lifting the phone from its cradle on the other end.

"Hello?" My heart dropped when I realized it was a female voice greeting me.

"Rachel? It's Bella."

"Bella, hey. How are you?" Rachel's voice seemed detached, distant. It was a familiar tone and my stomach knotted fiercely when I heard it.

"I'm fine. How are you? I guess I didn't realize you and Rebecca were still here."

Rachel made a nonchalant noise on the other end of the line. "I am, but not for long. I have to head back to Oregon tonight, and Rebecca and Solomon already left this morning. I absolutely have to work tomorrow and I'm out of days off."

"Even for this?"

"Even for this," Rachel repeated sharply. "My boss is a dick."

Rachel sounded exhausted. Beyond our conversation, though, my mind wandered toward the fact Rebecca was gone and Rachel was about to leave. I pictured Jacob being left completely alone to sort through all of Billy's things, deciding what to keep, what to give away. I imagined him being the sole one to decide what parts of their father would remain in their lives and as I did, my heart literally ached for Jacob.

"Yeah, it sounds like it," I squeaked out, my throat suddenly feeling parched. Taking a deep breath and wishing I had a drink of water nearby, I pressed on. "Rachel, is Jake there?"

"Nope," Rachel retorted. "He didn't stay here last night, and he popped in this morning for, like, two minutes – long enough to say goodbye to Rebecca – and then he took off again. He didn't tell us where he was going."

My body sagged in defeat as Rachel as much as confirmed my anxiety. I closed my eyes and leaned against the door frame separating the kitchen from the entryway, my head resting against the cool wood. "OK, Rachel. Thanks."

"No problem, Bella," she replied, followed by a pause. "Hey, take care of yourself, okay? And take care of Jake. Call me if you guys need anything."

Thursday bled into Friday and still no word from Jacob. I called again Friday afternoon and still no one picked up. The worry consuming me only intensified and I found myself unable to concentrate on even the most mundane tasks. As I made Charlie dinner Friday night, I caught myself opening the refrigerator to reach for a clean glass, followed by the fact I ruined the gravy I was making by putting powdered sugar into it instead of salt. Needless to say, Charlie ate his mashed potatoes without gravy that night.

Saturday morning was probably the worst.

When I woke up, I was immediately hit with the realization this Saturday wasn't like the ones preceding it. I had nowhere to go. There would be no going to Jacob's to make him and Billy breakfast. There would be no afternoon spent walking on First Beach, holding Jacob's hand and talking for hours while he laughed at me for almost tripping over tiny pieces of driftwood. There would be no dinner with Jacob, Billy, Charlie, the rest of the pack members and me all squeezed into the tiny house like one happy, oversized family. It sounded so simple, so cliché, but in that moment it was everything I wanted.

My eyes filled with tears before I even fully opened them. Rolling over and clutching the bedspread to me, I squeezed them tightly shut and allowed myself a moment as moisture seeped from the corners and trailed down my cheeks.

I drifted back to the present, the confirmation screen for my sent email to Renee staring me in the face. With a heavy sigh, I reached out and shut the laptop, letting my fingers rest for a moment on its cool exterior. My gaze shifted absentmindedly toward the window facing the backyard before I stood, walking quietly toward it. As I stared outside, trying to see into the thick line of trees lining our yard, I knew three days was too long.

Something wasn't right.

I turned and walked back toward my bed, collapsing on to it. As I crossed my legs underneath me, I reached out and lifted my cell phone from its resting place on the nightstand. It seemed so obvious who I should call, but the past 48 hours had proved so unsuccessful, there didn't seem to be much of a point in continuing to try.

I turned the phone over and over in my fingers as I considered the idea. _Maybe I should just drive out there_ , I thought to myself. If he was there, I would apologize for the other night – profusely, if I had to. And if he wasn't, I could sit and wait till he came home. I would wait as long as necessary.

_That's not overbearing at all, Bella_ , I thought sarcastically. As I felt the coolness of my phone between my fingers, I felt myself lean more toward another phone call. Maybe – just maybe – he would answer this time.

I opened the phone to dial, but I hesitated. I stared at the screen and the keys on the device for what seemed like an eternity, going back and forth again in my mind. The longer I stared, the more my anxiety, my insecurities got the better of me. I wasn't sure I could handle another unanswered call followed by hours where each minute chipped away at my sanity, the primary weapons worry and fear.

As my thumb brushed the raised keys, another idea crossed my mind. If Jacob wouldn't pick up the phone, I at least knew one person who would, one person who could possibly provide me with some peace of mind and not make me feel like a crazy person for asking.

The paralyzing apprehension I felt lifted suddenly and I took advantage of it, quickly scrolling through the contacts until I saw the number I wanted. Hitting send, I pressed the phone against my ear and took a deep breath, trying to reassure myself that what I was doing was a good idea.

_"What's important to him is important to me, to us… No one wants to see you hurting."_

I closed my eyes, the words running through my head on repeat to reassure myself. After the fourth ring, I was getting ready to hang up, mentally chiding myself for overreacting, for letting my anxiety get the better of me, when I heard a click on the other end.

"Hello?" The voice was sleepy and disoriented. I immediately felt guilty. Selfish and stupid also were a couple adjectives that came to mind.

"Embry?"

"Bella?"

I took a shaky breath. "I'm sorry – I didn't mean to wake you up."

"No, it's fine," the voice muttered. "What time is it anyway?"

I tried to remember the last time I looked at a clock and took an educated guess. "About noon." As I spoke, I played with the frayed ends of the quilt draped across my bed.

"Dammit," Embry muttered. "I didn't want to sleep that long. Good thing you called…"

"Embry…" I didn't mean for my voice to be edged with impatience, it simply came out that way.

"Sorry." He let out an ear-splitting yawn on the other end of the line. "Not really awake yet. What's up?"

One more shaky breath. "You…you haven't heard from Jake lately, have you?"

There was a pause on his side. "I haven't seen him since the funeral, Bells. Sam gave him some time off, and told us all to give him some space."

_Space_. I seriously was growing to hate the word.

"So you haven't been by the house, tried to call — anything?"

Silence. "Well, I ran by there last night when I was on patrol, just to check. The light was on in the living room and I could hear someone moving around, but other than that, I _did_ try to call a couple times. Thought maybe some time in the garage would do him some good." There was another pause. "He still not talking to you?"

So Embry was ignoring Sam's so-called restraining order. Learning this made me feel a little lighter, a little more at ease with my worry.

"No, he came over the other night, after the funeral." I paused for reaction. If Embry was surprised, he didn't vocalize it. Instead, there was silence, an uncomfortable hesitation while he simply waited for me to continue. Taking a deep breath, I appeased him and pressed on. "But I haven't heard from him since. I've tried calling but – I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called you, it's just…"

"You're worried about him." I relaxed as Embry filled in the blank. "It's okay, Bella, I get it. I'm really starting to worry about him, too..."

Tears stung at my eyes as I sat there, wringing the blanket between my fingers. I wanted to let it all spill out. I wanted to confide in someone about what happened Wednesday night more than anything, but I kept the words where they lay on the tip of my tongue and opted for something a little simpler, a little less graphic and a little more pointed.

"Embry, I think I messed up," I whispered.

The words fell off my lips like lead weights all the same, and the relief I felt upon saying them was indescribable.

"Bella, whatever happened, whatever you talked about, I'm sure everything is fine," Embry reassured me.

"How do you know?"

Embry sighed. "Truthfully? I don't. But, if you want, I can go over there again in a little bit and check on him. Would that help?"

I nodded, despite the fact he wasn't able to see me. I appreciated his honesty, as much as I wished he'd just lie to me.

I was overstepping my own boundaries now, taking advantage of Embry and Jacob's friendship to squelch my own anxieties. I felt dumb but perhaps more so, it felt unnecessary because I knew Embry would do it if I asked and wouldn't pass judgment. That's just the kind of friend he was.

"Yeah, I think it would."

"Okay," Embry replied. "If you can sit tight for awhile, I'll grab a shower and run over there as soon as I get some things done I need to do around here. Sound good?"

I let out a deep exhale, the relief almost tangible in the air. "Yeah, that would be great."

"I'll call you later, k? Maybe I can convince him to let us hang around for awhile," Embry said. "I haven't had a good dinner in what seems like forever."

I chuckled in spite of myself, appreciating Embry's attempt to lighten the mood. "Well, I just might owe you a dinner after this."

"I won't forget you said that, you know."

This time, I laughed. It felt strange but I didn't question it. "I'm sure you won't."

"I'll talk to you later, Bells."

"Bye, Em."

* * *

The bright yellow numbers on the satellite box were taunting me as I sat on the living room couch, trying unsuccessfully to watch a movie.

_5 p.m._

What on earth was taking Embry so long to call me?

I had purposely left my cell phone in the kitchen to help me resist the urge surfacing every ten minutes to call Embry. There was no point, especially if he was doing what he said he would. Embry didn't have a cell phone – at least not one that I knew of – so if he was at Jacob's, calling his house would have been a dead end. Calling Jacob's house, on the other hand, would have been a dead giveaway as to why exactly Embry was there in the first place.

Instead I sat with my knees pulled up to my chest and my arms wrapped tightly around my legs. Resting my chin on one knee, I willed myself to focus on the stupid romantic comedy playing on one of Charlie's 200-plus channels. This wasn't the kind of movie I'd watch any other day, so I wasn't sure why this one was any different.

Charlie came home about ten minutes after five. After depositing his jacket and his holster on the hall coat rack, he disappeared into the kitchen. I continued staring at the television while I listened to him rooting around in the refrigerator, no doubt looking for a beer. My suspicions were confirmed when I heard him crack open a can. A few seconds later, he shuffled into the living room, bypassing me and collapsing in his recliner with a loud sigh. For a moment, he just sat there, a blank, aimless stare on his face I was certain mirrored mine. As he tried to figure out what exactly I was watching, his eyebrows furrowed and his face scrunched up.

"What are you watching, Bells?"

The corner of my lip twitched as it tried to curl into a smile. "I have no idea." With that, I wrapped my fingers around the remote, which was resting on the couch cushion next to me, and offered it to Charlie.

Throwing me a glance, he took it from my outstretched hand and started flipping through the channels, no doubt looking for some kind of sporting event to watch.

"You talk to Jake lately?"

My stomach twisted at the mention of his name, my anxiety skyrocketing again to an almost unbearable level. For a moment – just a moment – Charlie had distracted me long enough to forget why I was sitting here and what was keeping me rooted to the couch.

"Not since Wednesday night," I murmured, my eyes now vacantly focusing on the motor cross race Charlie selected to watch.

"Maybe you should try to go out there, spend some time with him," Dad muttered, also not looking away from the screen. "He probably needs someone right now…"

"Dad!" I exclaimed, the frustration dripping from my tone as I snapped my head in his direction. "If he wanted me there right now, I would be – trust me."

A flicker of something flashed across Charlie's face. "Have you tried calling?"

"Yes, Dad – several times. He doesn't answer."

And that was it. Charlie didn't push it, and I was thankful he didn't. He meant well, but he also had no idea. Sighing, my chin reclaimed its spot on top of my knee and I tried to discern what was happening on television.

A second later, I heard a distant trilling, a noise I couldn't quite place but still seemed extremely familiar.

_My phone!_

I nearly tumbled off the couch as my feet got tangled with my arms as I tried to get up. Charlie looked at me stupidly as I managed to stand upright in my haste and bolt toward the kitchen. I could hear my phone still ringing, the sound amplifying the closer I got to its source.

As I ran into the kitchen, I skidded to a stop the same time I snatched the phone off the kitchen table. I didn't even look at the caller ID before I flipped it open, automatically answering the call.

"Embry?" I panted into the receiver, not even 100 percent sure that's who was on the other end.

"Bella…."

It was Embry, but it didn't _sound_ like Embry. He sounded far away, distant, _pained_. He sounded like…

I could feel the panic bubble up in my airway. "Embry? Embry, what's wrong? Is Jake there? Did you talk to him?"

There was a drawn-out pause on the other end of the call, followed by a haggard breath. "Bella, can you come out here?"

I blinked rapidly as I tried to comprehend his short response. "Yeah, of course I can. Embry, is Jake there? Is he alright?"

Another pause. "Bella, I think you should just come out to Jake's, okay? Can you come now?"

"Embry, what's wrong?"

"Just….come out here and we'll talk then."

"Embry…."

I was interrupted by a rough click, and a moment later I realized Embry had hung up the phone. Dumbfounded and confused, I pulled the cell phone away from my ear and stared at it. I had no idea what to make of the insistence in Embry's request, the apprehension in his words. Whatever it was set me on edge. My nerves felt like razor blades as I shut the phone and shoved it into my pocket.

Bringing my hands to my face, I pressed my fingers against my temples, trying to collect my thoughts. I needed to go. I wasn't sure why, but something told me I couldn't ignore Embry's request. Something told me I needed to go to La Push and I needed to go now.

Looking around forlornly, I willed my feet to move as I walked into the entryway, grabbing my jacket off the coat rack. "Dad! I'm going out to Jake's. I'll call you later, k?"

"K, Bells," was my father's hasty response.

Fishing in my jacket pocket, I retrieved my truck keys and hurried out the door, bounding down the front steps and miraculously not tripping in my haste. My shoes squished into the damp earth as I made my way across the yard and reached my truck, throwing the door open and sliding in behind the wheel. As I shut the door behind me, I gripped the steering wheel and sat there for a moment, taking a deep breath and willing myself to get it together before making the 15-minute drive to La Push.

Once I finally was on the highway, I tried to let my mind run through all the possible scenarios into which I might be walking. Had Jacob finally fallen apart and Embry wasn't sure how to deal with it? Is that why he had called me? Had Jacob lost his temper and lashed out? Had he asked for me? The latter scenario seemed pretty unlikely considering the emotion in Embry's voice over the phone, but I clung to it as I navigated the wet, curvy roads.

As I reached La Push minutes later, the gnawing in my stomach grew little by little until I was certain I'd need to pull over and empty the contents of it all over the side of the road. The apprehension I'd carried the entire day, the feelings which festered the past several, were all coming to an ugly head. I tried my best to push it down with deep, even breaths as I rounded the curve just before Jacob's house.

Pulling into the driveway, things looked exactly as they did several days ago when I'd last been here. Jacob's Rabbit still sat outside the garage, except Billy's truck was moved. It was apparent someone moved it because it now rested near the back of the garage. Creeping up to the house, I noticed a figure pacing back and forth on the front porch. It wasn't Jacob – I could tell that much from the silhouette. It had to be Embry.

As soon as the truck came to a stop, I slipped it into park and shut it off, putting the keys in my pocket and opening the door. As soon as my feet hit the muddy gravel, Embry stopped moving and turned toward me as I shut the truck's door behind me.

As I approached the front steps, I was overcome with an intense feeling of déjà vu. The memory of a moment similar to this a mere seven days ago flooded my senses as Embry met me at the top of the porch steps. The look on his face was almost an exact replica to the one I'd seen when I first saw him following the news of Billy's death. Still, this look was different.

When Embry's gaze met mine, I felt a shudder start at the bottom of my spine and quickly spread throughout the rest of my body. This time, it wasn't just grief and loss in his eyes. Now, they contained an intense mix of several new emotions – confusion, betrayal and helplessness, to name a few.

I felt my body grow colder the longer I held his stare.

"Embry," I whispered. "Where is Jacob?"

Embry swallowed thickly and closed his eyes, thinking long and hard before he responded. "He's not here, Bella."

I was quickly getting tired of the passive answers. By this point, I was positive Embry knew something I didn't, and I had no intention of letting him keep it from me any longer. "Embry, what is going on?" I said sternly, clenching my fists at my side and staring him down, willing him to open his eyes and look at me.

As if on cue, his eyelids fluttered open and the look I saw in them rocked me to my core. "Bella," he murmured. "Go in the house. There's something for you on the coffee table, okay?"

I blinked at him stupidly. "What?"

"Just…go in the house. It's on the coffee table," he repeated. "And if you need me – if you need me at all – I'll be right here, okay?" His eyes were now pleading with me, begging me to take his words seriously and do as he asked.

Frowning, I nodded. "Okay."

When he was certain I understood, Embry stood aside, making room for me to pass as I hesitantly walked up the stairs toward the front door. The wooden door was standing open, almost like it was beckoning me to come in. As my feet reached the threshold, I hesitated for a moment and cast a look over my shoulder toward Embry. He was watching me, a tormented and unsure expression on his face.

"I'll be right here…" He bit down on his lower lip and nodded once toward me.

I wasn't sure why, but I felt compelled to nod back and prove to him I understood.

The living room was dark as I stepped into it, closing the door behind me. The first thing I noticed was the smell, and instantly it brought tears to my eyes. In my weeklong absence, I had forgotten the sweetness of this home, the rich essence of earth and spice lingering in the air between its walls. The smell immediately enveloped me in a blanket of comfort.

The next thing I noticed was the silence. It also didn't take long to realize everything was the same. Billy's slippers still sat next to the recliner, there was a dirty glass sitting on top of the television, and one of Jacob's t-shirts was draped haphazardly over the back of the couch.

But, at the same time, everything felt completely _different_.

Nothing felt _right_.

That's when I saw it, lying neatly on the coffee table next to Jacob's go-to mechanical book on the Volkswagen Rabbit. It was a crisp piece of paper, neatly folded in half. Even from a distance, I could still make out something scrawled across the top part of the paper. Squinting, I tried to look closer as I stepped around the couch, moving closer to the coffee table and the piece of paper on which it rested.

When I finally was close enough to read the sketchy lettering, it took only a second longer for my heart to plummet into my stomach. Scribbled across the paper was one word, one name, in a handwriting I'd recognize anywhere.

" _Bella"_

My legs suddenly felt weak as I allowed myself to sink to the couch. I faced the coffee table and piece of paper bearing my name like an unwanted brand. I wanted to reach out, touch the paper, but I didn't for fear the moment I opened the fold to see what was inside, there would be no going back. There would be no undoing what the piece of paper was going to do.

Instead, I sat there for several minutes. I didn't move. I didn't try to read it – I _couldn't_ read it. At one point, my mind told my arms to move, my fingers to pick up the piece of paper.

Both refused.

I knew what was inside. I knew the words that would be scrawled across the invisible lines. I'd been here before, except the words were not written. They were spoken to me, spelled out in a careless way that lingered in the air but eventually blew away with time, removing the evidence they ever existed.

This wasn't the same. This was permanent. Whatever was written across that paper could not be taken back, could not be undone and likely would not be forgotten.

But there was a small, minute part of me needing to see it. It wouldn't be real if I didn't reach forward, take the paper between my fingers, unfold it and see what words would inevitably affect every single part of me.

So that's what I did.

The paper was stiff between my fingers as I opened it. I forgot to breathe as I let my eyes sweep over and take in every single word.

_Bella,_

_I'm sorry I couldn't do this to your face._ _You deserve a lot more than this letter, that's for sure._ _I hope you understand though. There's really no other way. If I tried to do this in person, there's no way I woulda went through with it._

_By the time you get this, I'll be gone. I'm not sure where I'm going, but all I know is I had to go. I can't be there. I can't be in La Push._

_I don't know when I'll be back. I don't know_ if _I'll be back. There's just too much there. It's all too much. I'm sorry, Bella. I know I promised I'd never hurt you, but I have to break that promise. I can't be that person right now. I hope you understand. Maybe one day I'll come back and will be able to explain it to you, but I'm not gonna make any more empty promises. Breaking this one is bad enough._

_Please know I wouldn't be doing this unless I knew for sure you're strong enough to handle it and that the pack will be there to take care of you. You're family to them, Bella. They won't abandon you._

_Please don't let this destroy you. Please be happy. You deserve to be happy_ _, and I can't do that for you now._

_Jacob_

The words suddenly became a blur the longer I stared at the ink in which they were written. Sitting in the dark living room, the saliva in my mouth was thick as I tried to swallow back the emotion I could feel clawing at my throat. The paper between my fingers started to shake as I continued staring at the letters. It took several moments to figure out why, but I did after I realized the violent trembles were rolling off me, off my hands and through the paper.

Suddenly, I inhaled sharply, also realizing I hadn't taken a single breath since picking up the letter to read it. The air left me just as forcefully as I struggled to take another. My body didn't want to cooperate. It protested as I tried to take one breath after another, tried to process everything I just read.

This wasn't happening. This could not be happening.

_Not again._

Instinctively, my fingers curled around the letter, clenching the piece of paper inside my fist. I held it there for a moment, squeezing it forcefully. My entire body started to quake when suddenly, a loud, tormented cry erupted from my throat as I threw the crumpled piece of paper to the other side of the room. The sound surprised me – it was one I'd never heard myself make. It sounded more animalistic than human, and it frightened me.

I could hear a distant knocking, a faraway voice calling my name as I let my face sink into my hands. Squeezing my eyes shut, I immediately was taken to another place, a much darker place in my past.

It was almost as if I could feel the damp earth beneath my cheek, my fingers curled around the fallen leaves as I closed my eyes, willing myself to die right then and there. I remembered the nightmares. I remembered waking up screaming, clutching to my blankets, my pillow, anything for dear life. I remembered not leaving my room for days on end, the feeling of emptiness that consumed every fiber of my being. I remembered a life devoid of real meaning and purpose. I remembered what it felt like to be abandoned and how my arms were never quite strong enough to hold myself together.

Then I remembered what came after. I remembered the day I realized I was done trying to close the gaping hole because it already was filled. It was filled with the boy who put me back together with busted motorcycles, warm soda, held hands and lame jokes. I was repaired by a person who'd loved me unconditionally and never let me down.

But here, as I sat with my face buried in my hands, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

The person who'd taught me how to stand on my own two feet was the same person who just now had violently pulled the rug out from beneath them.

I had come full circle. I was right back where I started.

_On the ground and abandoned._

My eyes shot open as my stomach wretched violently. Clamping my hand to my mouth, I quickly stood upright as my legs carried me from the living room toward the bathroom. As soon as I was safely in the confines of its walls, my knees hit the floor and I emptied the contents of my stomach into the toilet. Coughing once, I brought my hand to my forehead and pushed my hair back, letting my elbow lean on the seat while my other hand gripped it for dear life.

This wasn't real. God, this could not be real.

_I don't know when I'll be back. I don't know_ if _I'll be back._

_Maybe one day I'll come back and will be able to explain it to you, but I'm not gonna make any more empty promises. Breaking this one is bad enough._

Gripping the toilet with both hands, I threw up once more until there was nothing left inside me to expel. I coughed violently as tears streamed down my cheeks, getting caught on the strands of hair in my face.

Through the haze, the chestnut curtain enveloping my face disappeared behind my shoulders and I felt a warmth seep through the fabric of my shirt as a strong hand was placed on my back, moving in soft, circular motions. A sob escaped my throat as I stayed frozen in place and imagined it was Jacob, coming to comfort me, to tell me it was all a cruel joke and the letters, his words that pierced me like knives, weren't real.

My chest heaved with suppressed cries and another painful sob fell from my lips as I turned my head slightly to see it was Embry crouched behind me in the dark bathroom, his fingers wrapped around my long hair, holding it away from my face.

I quickly turned away from him, unable to hide the tortured disappointment on my face. "Embry, go – you don't need to see this." My voice was hoarse as the sound clawed at my throat.

"Shh." His hand continued moving back and forth in a comforting gesture. "I'm so sorry, Bella." The words were barely discernible as they fell from his lips.

I leaned forward, my forehead resting on my arm as I concentrated on taking deep, even breaths to calm my churning stomach. I stared at the bathroom floorboards as I did, memorizing every grain, every pattern in the wood for no reason other than to keep myself from completely falling apart. I couldn't feel them falling, but I saw the tears spill from my cheeks, one by one hitting the floor beneath me.

I could feel the numbness setting in, overtaking me. I wanted to fight it. I wanted to fight it more than anything, but there was such ease, such simplicity in giving in and letting it win.

"He was right about one thing, Bella." Embry's voice was soft as I felt him re-gather my hair between his fingers, the tips ghosting down the expanse of my back.

I didn't answer. I knew he'd understand.

He continued anyway.

"We're your family, Bella," he whispered. "And we won't abandon you."

Right, I thought.

_I'd heard that before._


	7. Desperation

_**Suggested Listening: "Ashes and Wine" by A Fine Frenzy, "Silver Coin" by Angus & Julia Stone, "Draw Your Swords" by Angus & Julia Stone** _

Two hours later, I sat curled up in the corner of an old, ratty couch that smelled of sweat and cinnamon. Surrounding me were eight incredibly solemn Quileutes, most of who were doing the exact same thing as me.

They were processing. They were taking it all in. They were trying to comprehend what exactly this meant and what we could have done to stop it.

Jacob was gone. _Gone_.

He wasn't gone like Billy. That was something all of us could wrap our heads around. Billy died — he didn't choose to be gone. He was taken from us.

But this was different. Jacob wasn't dead – he was just _gone_. He _did_ choose and all of us were completely blindsided by it.

The word was on repeat in my mind as I blankly stared at the coffee table in front of me in Emily and Sam's large living room. I barely remembered getting there. I could recall Embry eventually helping me off the bathroom floor, guiding my arm around his shoulders and murmuring something about going to Sam's because most of the pack was out looking for Jake, seeing if they could pick up his scent or catch a trail. He kept saying, "Maybe they found him."

But they didn't find him.

Several hours of searching produced no results – no scents, no trails – and the pack members sullenly met back at Sam and Emily's house. No one had any leads, no one had good news. Embry and I arrived after everyone returned, and the looks I garnered from each one only confirmed it.

It literally was like Jacob disappeared into thin air — again, except it didn't appear we were in for such an easy return this time around.

Now, as we all sat scattered around Sam and Emily's living room, it became glaringly obvious the others thought the same thing. No one spoke; everyone was at a complete loss for words. The sullen atmosphere enveloping the room was so tangible I could almost feel myself drowning in it. I longed for air, for the comfort of my own room, and for the safety I always felt in the arms of the only person who could put a smile on my face without really trying.

My stomach churned as I hugged my legs to chest for dear life, trying with everything I had in me to push down the sadness, the anxiety that so desperately wanted out.

Quil was the first to break the thick silence.

"So what do we do now?"

The morose faces of everyone in the room redirected toward Quil, whose eyes were wide as he stared back from his spot on the floor. I, however, only managed a glance before returning my stare to the small, crumpled up piece of paper sitting in the middle of the coffee table, the one Embry had managed to scoop up before we left the house without my notice.

Now, here it was again, the memorized words piercing a hole through me as they had only two hours earlier. Sam had done his best to smooth out the wrinkled paper before he took his time reading it, trying to find any indicator in the simple goodbye that might give him an idea to Jacob's whereabouts. It was useless — Jacob had left absolutely no clues.

But the words were still there, sharp expressions of Jacob's guilt and sadness.

I couldn't bear it any longer.

Everyone's stare refocused on me when I snapped out of my daze and dropped my feet to the wooden floor, leaning forward and snatching up the letter. Without a word, I stood and felt everyone's heavy gazes as I took a few steps, ending between Quil and Seth, who flanked the fireplace. Without a word, I once again balled up the letter in my hand but this time, I tossed it into the fire.

_I couldn't constantly be reminded if the words didn't exist._

For a moment, I watched the flames envelop the small piece of paper before the blaze brightened as the letter caught fire. I didn't look away until the white turned to black and the paper turned to ash.

Finally, I turned to face the numerous sets of eyes trained on me. Sam peered at me from his armchair, his face stoic and expressionless. There was a flicker of understanding in his eyes, though. Everyone else's were wide as they gawked. I noticed Emily, standing at the edge of the kitchen. She was leaning against the wall, her hand over her mouth as she watched me.

The only sound I heard was Leah's scoff.

"Dramatic much, Swan?"

"Leave her alone, Leah!" Embry snapped from his place next to mine on the couch. My eyes falling to the ground, I tried to ignore the dull ache in my stomach as I made the short trek back to the couch, falling on the cushions. I again pulled my legs up and wrapped my arms around them, leaning my face against my knees. Embry didn't look at me but instead nudged me with his shoulder, a simple gesture to remind me he was there and had my back.

 _I don't need anyone's help_ , I thought bitterly, inwardly cringing at my misplaced hostility.

"Oh, come on," Leah complained as she restlessly paced back and forth behind Sam's chair. "You guys really think Jacob's gonna be gone for long? I'd be willing to bet he's back here within the next week with his tail between his legs…"

"Leah," Sam's tone he used to cut her off was laced with warning.

"Can I put ten bucks on that?" Paul muttered from where he leaned against the doorframe leading out to the back porch. I winced behind my knees and Embry bristled beside me.

"Be quiet, both of you!" Sam growled. His eyes traveled to everyone in the room one by one until he was sure nothing else would be said. His gaze then went back over his shoulder toward Leah. "You might be right, but I'm not confident about it. This isn't one of those times where Jake simply loses his cool and takes off for a few hours to blow off some steam. This is an entirely different circumstance."

"Where do you think he went?" Quil murmured, more to himself than anyone else in the room. "It just doesn't make sense…" There was sadness in his voice, like a small part of him was resigned to the fact Jacob wouldn't be coming home any time soon.

This conclusion made me taste the bile rise in the back of my throat.

"So you didn't find anything? No trace of him at all?" Embry said quietly.

Sam shook his head. "No. There were no trails of him whatsoever." Sam sighed as he stared at his hands. "Which leads me to believe he left long before you went to his house this afternoon."

Embry shook his head in disbelief. "But I just went by the house last night and someone was there."

"He could have left shortly after," Sam reasoned, glancing up at Embry. Seeing the distressed look on Embry's face, Sam blinked and his eyebrows furrowed with sympathy. "We ran almost to the Canadian border, Em – still nothing."

Pausing for a moment, Embry made a noise in his throat as he likely remembered a similar scenario we all were part of only days ago. "Did you check his garage?" The look he shot Quil did not go unnoticed.

Quil grimaced. "Man, I already said I was sorry…"

"Quil." Sam's tone shut him up. "Yes, we made it a point to check all the obvious places this time. We still didn't find anything."

After Sam confirmed it wasn't going to be as easy as last time, everyone fell silent. The pack members were having a hard time looking at one another. From his place on the floor, Quil's head kept absentmindedly bobbing back and forth in a gesture of disbelief. "It just doesn't make sense…" he repeated.

"So what do we do now?" Embry spoke up again, repeating Quil's question from earlier.

Sam sat back in his chair, his breath leaving him in a deep, labored sigh. "There's not much we _can_ do. I'll have to talk to the council soon, I know that much."

"And what are you gonna tell them?" Embry asked.

"I'm not sure," Sam replied. "Since Billy died, Jacob was technically in line to take his father's place on the council. I doubt they would have made him do it, at least until he turned 18. Then there's the matter of Billy's will. He left the house, the land, everything to Jacob. They should know what's happened, though, especially since we don't know if he plans on coming back."

My jaw clenched at Sam's words and I could feel my hot breath through the denim covering my knees. No one wanted to speak in definites about Jacob's disappearance but regardless of what anyone said or thought, I doubted few of the pack members actually believed he'd stay gone forever.

My mind, on the other hand, had a hard time believing otherwise. Previous experience had me preparing for and counting on worst-case scenarios.

My heart, though, had other ideas. It refused to believe there wasn't more we could do. It refused to embrace the seemingly inevitable, and the feeling was starting to overtake any logic I had left in me.

"So that's it?" My voice came out rough and sharp as I looked up from my knees. Sam's eyes snapped toward the sound of it, slightly jarred by my words. "You're just _done_ looking for him? Just like that?"

Sam blinked in shock, but I didn't care. I also didn't care everyone was looking at me like I was teetering on the edge of a full mental breakdown.

_They would only be half-wrong, Bella._

"I didn't say that, but it's not that simple, Bella," Sam said quietly. "Do you know how many miles we can travel in an hour in our wolf form? It's a lot. If Jacob left only 24 hours ago, he could be all the way to…"

"I don't care!" I exclaimed, again letting my feet fall to the floor. "How can you all just sit here? Why aren't you still looking?" I didn't recognize the words coming from my mouth. Sam already explained this. I was there – I heard him. Even I couldn't fathom why I was pressing this to the extent I was.

Sam's lips pressed together in a thin line before he spoke again. "Bella, I know this isn't easy. We want him to come home just as bad as you do, and I can promise you we looked everywhere we could today. We'll likely go out again tomorrow…"

"By tomorrow it might be too late," I snapped. "You should be out there right now. You shouldn't stop…" Suddenly, my breath caught in my throat, causing me to choke on the words as I felt a familiar sting return to my eyes. Squeezing my eyes shut for a moment, I swallowed back the giant lump and forced myself to continue. "You shouldn't stop until he's here – until he's home."

Instead of expecting the defeated stares I was receiving like I should have, they only served to further frustrate me. I could tell my insistence was getting to at least a couple of the pack members as Quil's head hung in shame and a pained expression plagued Seth's soft features from where he sat next to Quil.

Suddenly, I stood up and everyone's eyes followed me warily. "I'm going to go look for him. Is anyone going to help me?"

At least three mouths fell open, but I wasn't kidding. As far as I was concerned, in that moment, I wasn't going to sit by while the most important person in my world disappeared from our lives. I refused to let it happen.

Was it rational? No. In that moment, though, I wasn't registering anything other than the pack's inaction.

"Bella…" I heard Embry's hushed whisper from directly behind me come as a plea, asking me to let it go, at least for now.

Sam, on the other hand, exchanged glances with someone in Emily's general direction. Moments later, I realized Emily was standing right next to me. Her arm slid around my shoulders and she squeezed my arm with the other one. "Bella, why don't you come in the kitchen and help me finish dinner?"

Scowling, I shook my head and shrugged Emily's arm from my body. "What? No! I'm not going to help you make dinner. We need to go look for Jake. This is stupid! I don't get why you're all just sitting here." I brought my hands up and clutched my face with them in frustration when still no one moved and no one spoke.

Emily backed away carefully as my eyes fell on Sam, silently pleading with him. He closed his eyes and sighed. "Bella, I know you want him to come home…"

"So you're not going to help me?" I exclaimed, gaping at him with wide eyes.

"That's what I'm telling you, Bella – right now, we've looked everywhere we can."

"I don't believe you!" The words spilled from my mouth before I even processed them in my head.

"Dude, I think she's gonna lose it…" A loud noise coming from Sam's throat silenced Jared's muffled quip directed toward Paul. Jared didn't intend for me to hear it, but I did and I didn't care.

"To hell with you then," I retorted sharply, staring Sam down and letting my anxiety, my fear, my anger lash out at him through my furious gaze and uncharacteristic words. "I'll go find him myself." With that, I turned swiftly, nearly running into the coffee table before storming toward the front door.

"Bella? Bella!" I ignored Sam's insistent request as I neared the home's entrance. I could hear some scuffling behind me but again I didn't care. I was going to look for Jacob and God help me, I would do it with or without their help.

Tears of frustration were hot fire in my eyes by the time my feet hit the damp ground outside. As I reached my truck, I roughly shoved my hand in my pocket to find my keys and let out an irritated cry as I felt nothing but fabric. The memory of Embry driving us here floated back to me and for a moment, I contemplated going back in the house but ultimately decided against it as the last tangible trace of rationale floated from my mind.

_If Jacob was anywhere, it wasn't going to be in a place my truck could go._

"Bella, stop!"

I glanced at the porch to see Seth running through the front door. Placing a hand on my forehead in exasperation and the other on my hip, I shook my head as he approached me. "Forget it, Seth. If they sent you out here to talk me out of it, you can just go right back inside…"

"You can't go by yourself. Let me go with you." Seth eyes were wide and insistent as he approached me.

"Jesus fucking Christ, kid! Seriously?" Leah's silhouette appeared in the doorway, her hands resting impatiently on her hips. A moment later, she was pushed aside as Quil and Embry made their way out to the front porch.

I shook my head violently as I stared at my feet. "No, it's fine. Forget it. I don't need any help."

Two additional pairs of feet entered my field of vision. "Bella." I recognized Quil's voice even before I lifted my head to see he and Embry had joined Seth. "We'll go look some more for Jake. Just come back inside."

"No, it's _fine_ ," I repeated, glaring at Quil. "I got this." I turned my vehement glare on Embry and held out my hand, my palm expectantly facing upward. "Keys."

For a moment, Embry's desolate gaze scratched at something inside me. Through the anger and the innumerable emotions coursing through my body, through the absurd insistence I had toward finding Jacob myself, my resolve wavered for a split second.

For just a moment, I considered going back in the house and doing as I was asked.

But the moment was fleeting. As Embry shook his head, refusing my request, the anger took over once again and this time with a vengeance.

"Embry…" I planted my feet on the ground and glowered at him, "give me my keys."

Again, Embry shook his head. "No."

My mouth fell open and I blinked at him, dumbfounded and furious. "Embry, I'm doing this with or without your help, so give me my god damned keys!"

Embry visibly winced but didn't falter. "Bella, please – go back inside. You're upset and as much as you think it will help, you going out looking for Jake _isn't_ going to help."

"He's right, Bells," Quil murmured. "I told you we'll go look for him, and we will."

Letting out an exasperated and inappropriate laugh, I looked away from them for a moment before my eyes traveled back. "Are you going to give me my keys or not?"

When no one responded, I nodded. "Fine. Have it your way then." With that, I pushed past the three of them and headed toward the backyard.

At this point, my brain wasn't registering what made the most sense, what was best for my safety. The sun was sinking below the trees now and darkness would be upon us shortly. A more sane, a more level-headed Bella would have recognized how pointless it would be for me – a mere human – to go looking for something in the thick woods surrounding La Push. I also would have recognized the dangers accompanying such a mission. I would have remembered the last time I went stumbling around in the woods, looking for a ghost.

I shuddered as I walked swiftly along the side of the house, the tree line coming into view. Through the open windows, I could hear voices from inside the house.

"Sam, someone needs to stop her! She could get hurt out there!" I recognized Emily's anxious tone among the others.

"It's not like she'll get very far…" _Leah_.

"That's not the point! She's not thinking clearly right now. She thinks it's going to make a difference and it's not!"

"I know. We're not going to let her go."

_That's what you think, Sam._

"Bella! BELLA!" These voices were outside, behind me.

Without thinking, I broke into a run as I focused on the forest, my finish line. It was almost like I believed I could outrun them if I wanted. I could hear the footsteps behind me, gaining ground as I pushed myself, sprinting through the tree line and into the dense growth. As soon as I did, darkness fell over me as the forest cover allowed very little of the remaining sunlight through.

I slowed down slightly as I managed to step over a fallen limb.

_I'm coming, Jacob. I'm not going to give up. I'm not just going to let you go._

Suddenly, my body jolted as I felt two scorching hands latch around my upper arms and pull back. My feet just as quickly left the ground as my back slammed into an equally warm, hard body. My breath left me in an angry cry as I kicked at the person responsible for stopping me.

"Bella, stop! Calm down! Dammit, Bella!"

The warm hands pinned my arms to my side, restricting any significant movement from me. "Quil, let me go! LET ME GO!" His hold wasn't enough as my arms flailed and my hands balled into fists, striking Quil's thighs, stomach and anything else in my line of fire.

"Ow! OW! Dammit, Bella, calm down!"

Quil released his hold on my arm with one hand, crossing it over my chest before mimicking the action with his other arm. He was now hugging me to his body as I writhed violently, trying with everything in me to make him let go. I was failing miserably but I kept fighting. With one swift movement, he lifted my feet off the ground and spun me around so I was facing the way I came. Through my struggle, I saw Embry and Seth hanging back in the shadows. The desperate, helpless looks on their faces were almost enough to send me reeling straight back to my senses.

"Let me go, Quil, please! We have to go look for him!" I screeched, twisting my body uselessly. Inside, I could feel myself crumbling as Quil held me. The more I fought, the more I could feel the stubborn façade falling away and the burning in my throat reappear. With each futile movement, Jacob felt further and further away from me.

"Please, Quil, I'm begging you…let me go."

Quil made a pained noise in his throat but made no move to release me. In one last attempt to free myself, I jolted back, my heel connecting with Quil's shin. He yelped in surprise and lurched forward, our legs tangling as he did. Quil's hands fell from my arms long enough for me to stumble forward. The ground rushed up to meet me and I felt Quil's fingers graze my bicep, but it was too late.

My hands and knees landed in the dirt with a loud, disconcerting thud. For a moment, everyone fell silent and nobody moved as I remained where I was, my breath coming in hard, labored pants, the ache in my throat screaming for release.

Slowly, I rose up, traces of dirt and leaves still caked to my hands. I unsteadily rocked back on my knees, looking around me but not really seeing anything. My chest was tightening to an almost unbearable level and inhaling became nearly impossible, causing my breath to heighten in both speed and intensity.

From behind me, I could feel Quil's warm presence. "Bella," he whispered. "I'm sorry. Are you okay?" I felt his fingertips graze my shoulder as he attempted to get my attention.

I violently jerked away from Quil's hand as I felt the lump in my throat rise, nearly choking me. "Don't touch me," I spat out.

I felt Quil's hand swiftly pull back. The adrenaline that fueled me moments earlier continued to fade the longer I remained where I was, my shins sinking into the earth. Each sensible piece of me making its return also brought with it the reality that what I had been trying to do was not only dangerous but completely pointless.

There was nothing the pack could do. There was nothing _I_ could do to bring Jacob home, no matter what I did. In the past week, leaving was the one thing Jacob had complete control over.

His return would equally be in his hands.

I felt the first tear escape the corner of my eye as I fell back from my knees to a sitting position on the cold ground. Pulling one leg up to my chest, I allowed my forehead to rest on the palm of my hand as I leaned against my knee. I wasn't able to stop the rough cry that worked its way from my throat.

Desperately, I looked up at Embry and Seth, the tears now falling freely down my cheeks. A loud sob left my body as I silently pleaded with the two of them, wanting them to say something, anything to assure me I was wrong.

"Please…" I murmured, the word blending into another sob. "We can't…I just don't…." I closed my eyes and willed myself to get the words out. "Please tell me you'll try to find him. Please tell me he's gonna come home."

Opening my eyes, I saw the looks on their faces as Embry and Seth watched me, my desperate words traveling from my lips to their ears. The realization fell heavy on me as it became clear they weren't going to tell me what I needed to hear. Seth's eyes were filled with sorrow and Embry's pained expression, his chest rising and falling with his own labored breaths, only confirmed it.

There, in front of my small audience, I fell apart on the forest floor, my fingers curling into the dirt and my tears leaving stains on my shirt where they fell. The entire time my gaze was fixated on Embry and Seth, begging someone – anyone – to keep me from falling over the edge, into the desperate black hole I'd been in before and knew much too well.

From behind, I felt a pair of arms wrap around my shoulders and hug me. "We'll do everything we can, Bella. Promise." Quil's voice was soft and soothing as he held me, not too close but enough to send a minute wave of comfort coursing through my body.

I still couldn't stop the sobs, even as I soaked up Quil's presence. The rest of the warmth I needed I drew from Embry as his gaze locked with mine. Even through my tears and beyond his haggard face, I saw something flash in his dark eyes, a silent promise echoing the one Quil had just spoken.

In that moment, my pain was their pain. Through my grief, I was taken back to an earlier vow.

_We're your family, Bella. We won't abandon you._

As I felt the inevitable fissure spread across my heart, a crack that started to form the moment my eyes fell on Jacob's letter, I found a flicker of solace in Embry's simple words. His eyes, the sadness scrawled across Seth's face and Quil's comforting action confirmed he meant every one.

Would they follow through on the promise? I didn't know, but in this moment – if I was going to save me from myself – I had no other choice than to put my faith in them and hang on with everything I had.

* * *

A few hours later, I was curled up on Sam and Emily's couch. I was mentally and physically exhausted and the longer I lay there with my eyes shut, the more I welcomed the sleep threatening to overtake me.

I could have gone home. I probably should have, but chose not to mainly because I couldn't fathom being alone. I wasn't confident I could do this on my own – not now, not yet.

Upon returning to the house, not a single pack member mentioned what happened. They moved around, solemnly pretending it didn't. I wasn't certain they did it through their own volition or because Sam made them, but I was grateful nonetheless. I managed to sit through dinner, which was a quiet affair. I couldn't bring myself to eat, but I politely sat at the table while everyone else did.

This dinner wasn't like the others I'd been a part of in Emily's kitchen. Normally, dinners with the pack were loud, jovial affairs. This one was not. Despite the fact everyone sat in their normal chairs and consumed abnormally large amounts of food, no one could argue with solemnity caused by one minor difference, the obvious missing component being the person who normally sat at Sam's right hand between Embry and me. The chairs had been rearranged to make it appear nothing was out of place, but everyone in the room knew better.

Throughout dinner, I only caught myself swallowing back tears.

After the meal, Jared, Paul and Leah made themselves scarce. As I found a spot on the couch, Seth and Quil lingered, not sure whether they should stay or go. Through everything pulling at my insides, I managed a half-hearted smile and told them to go home, that I would be fine. I tried to say it with as much conviction as humanly possible.

When they left, they didn't look like they believed me. I didn't blame them.

As Emily started her cleanup ritual, Embry and Sam left to run a quick patrol before calling it a night. I knew it was standard but I also had a feeling they were doing it to appease me, to see if they would catch anything they hadn't earlier.

By the time I was granted some solitude away from the eyes of the pack, my tears had stopped. The clawing at the back of my throat was completely gone as I sat on the sofa, legs crossed under me as I blankly stared at my hands. I was certain I'd used up my allotment of tears for one day and now, I welcomed the numbness setting in.

An hour passed before the sofa began to look inviting. In one fluid motion, I lay down, pulling my knees up and positioning my head comfortably on one of Emily's cross-stitched throw pillows. As I listened to the fire crackle several feet away, the steady running of water coming from the kitchen coupled with the noise made by Emily's soft, methodic movements as she put away dishes, I let my eyes close as I contemplated the comfort I might be able to find in sleep.

I didn't fall completely asleep, though. Instead, I drifted in and out of the pleasant state between consciousness and unconsciousness. I could still hear the small noises around me, but for the first time in several days, my body and my mind were peaceful and at ease.

I wasn't sure how much time passed when I felt a presence sit on the sliver of sofa remaining near my head. It was warm, but it wasn't the warmth I was used to. A soft, gentle hand reached out and gently caressed my hair, carefully pushing it back from my face.

"Is she asleep?" The stern voice belonged to Sam. _When did he come home?_

The person sitting near me made a noise. "Yeah." The inviting voice and presence belonged to Emily. "I don't blame her. What a horrible day this has been. What a horrible _week_ this has been." The voice turned into a sigh as her hand fell motionless yet remained where it was.

A squeaking sound echoed through the room as Sam likely sat down in his armchair. "I know. I just can't believe this is happening. I know Jake is hotheaded sometimes and doesn't deal with his emotions, but I _never_ thought he would go to such lengths."

"Grief can do strange things to people, Sam." The hand caressed my hair once more.

"Yes, this I know." Sam's voice was troubled. "Embry, what happened out there?"

_Embry was still here, too?_

"Nothing any of us weren't expecting." Embry's voice was farther away than Sam and Emily's, closer to the kitchen than the living room. He didn't go on, leaving the details of the incident in the forest to himself, at least for now.

"Did you talk to Jacob at all before any of this happened?"

"No."

"Do you know if Bella did?"

"I don't think so." Embry's voice was quiet, his words followed by a long pause. "She called me this morning and asked me the same thing. She said she hadn't talked to him since Wednesday."

"Three days?" Sam sounded puzzled. "That seems strange to me. I know Jacob wasn't exactly receptive to our sympathy, but still – he and Bella were practically inseparable. It surprises me he didn't turn to her more through all this."

"She told me he stayed with her Wednesday night, but then she also said she thought she 'messed up'. She didn't tell me what happened, but I didn't ask either." A hint of regret sat on the edge of Embry's voice. "Maybe I should have..."

"So are you saying Bella might have did something that caused Jacob to leave?" Emily's voice fell, almost as if she could sense someone might be able to hear what was said.

"No, that's not what I'm saying." Embry sounded more insistent now. "I mean, no — I don't think there's anything she could have done to cause this."

"You're probably right," Sam agreed. "I highly doubt anything Bella did was the deciding factor behind Jacob actually going through with this." A sigh came from Sam's general direction. "This is my fault. I shouldn't have told the pack to give him space. We should have been there. We might have seen something…"

"Sam, there's nothing you could have done. If Jacob wanted to leave, there was nothing we could have done to stop him." Emily's voice was soothing as she contradicted Sam's assumption.

"He's right, though." The pain was back in Embry's words. "We should have been there."

"That may be true, Em, but there isn't anything we can do to change it now." The fingers were back in my hair. "Jacob is strong. Wherever he is, I'm sure he's fine. For now, we can only hope this is what's best for him and that he comes back to us."

The voices fell quiet for several moments until a distant sigh broke the silence. "We have to be there for Bella, Sam." The plea was back in Embry's voice. "We can't just forget about her just because Jake isn't here…"

"I agree." Emily's voice was gentle again as she carefully shifted in her seat.

"I know." Sam didn't sound like he planned to put up a fight. "I never planned on casting Bella aside like she doesn't matter."

"Good." Embry sounded relieved. "I promised her we'd be there for her, Sam. She doesn't deserve to have us break any more promises."

"I know," Sam repeated. "Jacob told her in his letter we'd take care of her, and I plan to honor that. I agree she needs us right now. We don't need another repeat of what happened when the Cullens left." Sam fell silent, the memory of finding a very different girl, barely clinging to life as she lay curled in on herself amongst the dead leaves and dirt, no doubt still at the forefront of his mind.

Embry let out a ragged breath as he likely replayed the memory fed to him through the mental link the pack members shared in their wolf forms. "No, we can't. That's what I was afraid was gonna happen tonight when she tried to take off, when she started running. I couldn't get the image out of my head..."

"Well, we'll do everything we can to keep it from coming to something like that again." Sam's agreement was definite and apparent.

It was Emily's turn to sigh. She paused before speaking. "You're a very good friend, Embry. Bella's lucky to have you in her corner."

"She's one of us, Emily. She's as much a part of this pack as you are. I'd do the same for you if it was you in this position."

Emily let out a ragged breath, no doubt inwardly grateful it was _not_ her. "That's what makes this family so strong. That's how I know Bella will get through this, no matter what happens."

In that moment, I let a sudden, consuming wave of security and safety flow through me as my body relaxed completely. The voices faded out as I slowly felt myself lose the fragile connection I had to consciousness, the room around me fading to black as I allowed myself to fully succumb to sleep.

* * *


	8. Saviors

_**Suggested Listening: "Crash" by Stateless, "Hold On" by Angus & Julia Stone, "Don't Bring Me Down" by Sia, "Bluebird" by Christina Perri** _

My desire to be around others – my fear of being alone – didn't last long after the night I fell asleep, inadvertently spending the night on Sam and Emily's couch.

I woke that morning to a quiet house, not completely alert and unaware of where I was. Someone had tucked a woven blanket around my body and pushed a softer, more comfortable pillow under my head. As my eyes adjusted the soft, faint morning light filtering through the glass doors leading to the backyard, I remembered where I was and the reality of why I was there hit me like a harsh, unforgiving slap in the face.

Jacob.

Jacob was gone.

It took everything in me to sit up on the couch, trying with all I had not to fold in on myself. Looking around, I came to the conclusion it couldn't be much past dawn. Not a single soul was stirring in the house, and I was inwardly grateful as I stood and mechanically folded the quilt Emily had likely placed on me. I laid the quilt on the arm of the couch and slid noiselessly into my shoes before tiptoeing toward the door, stopping only to grab my jacket on the way out.

After making the long and painstaking drive home, I couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief when I let myself through the front door and realized Charlie wasn't awake yet. Knowing this meant I wouldn't have to answer for not coming home, and I wouldn't have to explain to him just yet the reasons behind why I hadn't. It was a conversation I wasn't ready to have, filled with words I wasn't sure I could say out loud.

Once I was safely in the confines of my bedroom, I walked to my bed in a haze, only managing to kick off my shoes and slip out of my jacket before crawling under the covers, still dressed in my jeans and t-shirt. Pulling the covers to my chin, I curled up in the fetal position and buried my face in the pillow – the one Jacob had slept on just days earlier – clutching at the case and managing to take a deep breath.

When I closed my eyes and inhaled, I swore I could still smell him. I could detect the sweet, musky scent that held so many memories and, in turn, held my heart like an iron vice. The scent brought back every cherished memory, every stolen moment from the past year. My mind replayed adoring kisses when Billy wasn't looking and the way it felt when his arm slid around my waist as we all sat by a bonfire, his thumb hitched aimlessly through my belt loop. I shivered as I remembered the sensations I felt when his rough, warm hands ghosted across the bare skin of my back, and the way my lips tingled every single time he pressed them to mine.

In the same instance, intertwined with the good came the bad. I was taken back to the day before to a hasty, impersonal goodbye scrawled carelessly across a piece of notebook paper to the hands of someone else splayed across my back, hands that weren't obligated to yet comforted me nonetheless. I was taken back to the feeling of my legs sinking in the mud and the saltiness of the tears leaving jagged, wet streaks as they made their way down my cheeks. I remembered the empty spot at the dinner table, a fact no one but me seemed to outwardly acknowledge.

I knew I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help it. I kept breathing in, struggling to keep the scent with me, even though it seemed to disappear a little more each time I did. Keeping it meant keeping Jacob with me. Losing the scent would mean losing him all over again and allowing the good to be overshadowed by the bad. It would mean there was nothing left to which I could hang on.

As the scent finally disappeared, so did my ability to hold myself together for another moment. With my face buried in the pillow, clinging to a frail hope and a wretched yearning for what was taken from me, the first sob fell easily from my lips. The second and third came just as fluidly until I let them out, one after another, until I was certain I would run out of tears to cry.

I didn't run out. In fact, I cried myself to sleep before I could find out.

I vaguely remembered being awoken by Charlie. I didn't see him open the door and stick his head in the room; I knew as much because he never ventured much further. He asked if I was feeling alright and after I made an unintelligible noise, he was satisfied and shut the door, allowing me to drift back into a fitful and dreamless sleep.

The day flowed easily to night, although I didn't wake to see it. My sleep wasn't restful, but it was satisfactory and served the only purpose I wanted. It was a welcome refuge. There was no way to feel sadness when asleep, no way to remember just how deep the wound was, no way to feel as empty as I did when I was awake.

I even welcomed the lack of dreams, which normally held the potential to serve as a subconscious distraction to reality. I was especially thankful for the lack of nightmares, grateful that unwanted images and unfamiliar settings weren't destroying the only peace I had.

The only thing able to pull me from my idyllic state of unawareness was the high-pitched trilling of my cell phone. Pressing the comforter to my ears with my hands, I tried my best to ignore it. Whoever it was would probably get the hint when I didn't answer. Squeezing my eyes tightly shut and ignoring the dull gnawing in my chest, I willed myself to fall back asleep, knowing by the darkness engulfing my room that I could be sleeping now and no one would question it.

However, the person calling my phone wasn't satisfied with this conclusion. Only a few moments of silence elapsed between the end of the first call and the start of the second.

Groaning, I threw back the comforter and groggily leaned over the side of my bed to where I had discarded my jeans somewhere between my bouts of sleep. Finding my phone in the pocket, I pulled it out and rubbed my eyes with the back of my free hand before looking at the caller ID.

Embry.

I stared at the screen for another moment, letting the phone ring and vibrate in my hand. For just a second, I contemplated answering it but decided against it when I realized I had no idea what I would say. He'd want to know how I was doing, and there was no response I could give him that would instill any sense of comfort or convince anyone in the pack that I wasn't sliding headfirst into a dark place I'd been before.

Once the phone stopped ringing, I checked my missed calls to see who else had called to check on me. There were two from Emily from earlier in the day. One call came shortly after 7:30 a.m., the other around lunchtime. Besides her and Embry's calls, there were no others. My stomach churned as the bit of the unspoken hope I held inside me – a glimmer of faith that maybe Jacob had called to check in and at least let me know he was safe, wherever he was – diminished in its entirety.

As the phone beeped and the new voicemail icon appeared on the screen, I heaved a ragged sigh before I pressed the power button and watched with resignation as the phone shut off. Letting it fall from my fingers to the floor, I reclaimed my hideaway under the covers and shut my eyes, inwardly thankful it didn't take long for sleep to find me again.

Morning came and went and another night bled into day before I slowly started to lose track of time. For the most part, Charlie didn't bother me, assuming I was sick or not feeling well. On the other hand, I couldn't be bothered to get up. I knew Charlie wouldn't, though, especially when he caught a glimpse of my face after checking in again when he got home from work on the second day.

As he shut the door, assuring me I could let him know if I needed anything, I couldn't help but feel the slightest bit guilty. The look on his face was all too familiar. It was a look I'd seen him wear before, one dripping with worry and anxiety. Mostly, though, it reeked of fear, fear that something was beyond wrong and my withdrawn state was solid proof of it.

That night, before he went to bed, I heard a soft knocking at my door. I wasn't asleep this time. Instead, my eyes were wide open as I stared blankly at the ceiling, watching as lights from passing cars outside danced across the room. When I didn't respond, I heard the knob turn and Charlie slowly pushed the door open.

"Bells? Can I come in?"

I managed to tear my gaze away from the ceiling toward the place my father stood. "Aren't you kinda already in?"

Charlie looked sheepishly at his feet before taking a step further into the room. Looking back at me, he tentatively crossed the distance between the door and the bed, dropping to a crouch next to it so he was level with me. He let out a heavy sigh. "What's going on, Bells? Something tells me this isn't just some bug you've come down with."

As I stared forlornly at my father, it became glaringly obvious I wasn't fooling him. Charlie was a great many things, one of which was not stupid. He was a cop – he was trained to read people and, as his daughter, I was one of the easiest.

I slowly rolled on to my side, pulling my knees up and readjusting the pillow beneath my head. I took a deep breath and gathered every ounce of will inside me, finding the last bit when I finally noticed the full depth of the worry plaguing Charlie's eyes.

"Dad, Jacob left."

For just a split second, a flash of panic washed across Charlie's face. "What do you mean he left?"

Fighting back the lump in my throat, I swallowed hard. "He left," I repeated.

"Bells, I heard you," Charlie said, his voice growing with insistence. "Where did he go?"

I hadn't thought about this part. What was I supposed to tell Charlie? I couldn't tell him Jacob just left, especially the part that would reveal to him I had no idea where he'd gone. Again, Charlie was a cop. If he knew Jacob ran away and hadn't told a soul where he went, he'd have every law enforcement officer in the county out looking for him. I knew better than to let that happen, despite how much a small part of me wanted to let Charlie look in hopes maybe – just maybe – he'd actually find him.

That's not what came out, though. Surprisingly, even in my fragile state of mind, a plausible answer managed to swiftly work its way from my mouth. "He went to stay with Rachel in Oregon."

I watched as Charlie visibly relaxed, and my stomach wrenched as I realized I'd managed to save Charlie from experiencing another loss of sorts. A small, selfish part of me almost wished someone would have done that for me, created an illusion to lessen the blow and save me from this feeling that appeared to be eating away at me piece by piece.

"Oh." Charlie's response was short. "Too much for him here?" The question was so cavalier, so much so it felt like my father was purposely stepping on the pieces of my broken heart, further damaging them.

Closing my eyes, I nodded.

"Did he say how long he's gonna be there?"

Swallowing back tears, I shook my head. "No, he didn't." My voice cracked when I spoke, despite my attempt to hide the pain residing just below my bleak surface. "But he said we should take a break while he's there," I added quickly, mitigating my reaction so it didn't appear unwarranted.

Charlie's lips pursed and he sighed, gingerly reaching out his hand to brush a strand of hair from my face. "Oh, Bells, I'm sorry. I'm sure it's only temporary – he'll come back. Losing his dad's had to be rough on him."

No matter how I tried, I couldn't prevent the tear that escaped my eye, running down the short length of cheek before hitting the pillow. "I hope you're right, Dad," I choked out.

Charlie caressed my matted hair one last time before retracting his hand. "When's the last time you showered, Bells?" he asked. "Better yet, when's the last time you've eaten?"

"It's been a couple days," I murmured, wiping the moisture from my eyes. "I'm not hungry."

"Bells…" The look of concern was back on my father's face.

"I know, Dad." I swear it took every ounce of strength I had in me, but I reached forward and softly patted his hand. "I'll eat something tomorrow when I get up." When he didn't look satisfied, I sighed. "I promise."

"You better."

The anxiety in his eyes pained me, and I tried my best to pull the corner of my lip up in a halfhearted attempt at a smile. "I'm really tired, Dad. I think I'm gonna get some more sleep, okay?"

Charlie nodded as he rose to his feet, obviously not believing my lie but complying all the same. As he turned to leave, he looked back at me. "I worry about you, Bells. It's just – I love you so damn much, kid. I hate seeing you hurting like this, especially after last time..."

His words halted, and I attempted to half-smile once more. "I know, Dad. I love you, too."

I awoke the next morning to a room flooded with sunlight.

Opening my eyes, my hand immediately flew to shield them. There was far too much light in the room to be early morning. Silently wondering how long I'd slept and half-surprised Charlie hadn't come to wake me, I rolled over and removed my hand from face to peer at the alarm clock on my nightstand. It was almost 1 p.m.

For a moment, I peered at the clock and contemplated getting up for the first time in three days. Downstairs, I could hear the muffled sounds of Charlie moving around the kitchen, obviously home on his lunch break.

I knew I needed to get up, if not for any other reason than to try to eat something. I knew I couldn't stay in bed forever; I'd have to emerge at some point. If it was one thing Jacob taught me, it was life had to move on even when you wanted it so desperately to stop.

But thinking of Jacob didn't inspire me to throw back the covers and force myself back to life. Instead, it only caused the empty feeling to resurface, the one that managed not to plague the first few moments I was awake. I wanted that peace back, and I pushed down the painful gnawing in my stomach in a futile attempt to reclaim it.

I didn't care what I promised Charlie. I didn't care what was good for me. Instead, I rolled over and pulled the blankets completely over my head, blocking out the unwelcome sunlight.

As I squeezed my eyes shut, I didn't hear the loud footsteps clambering up the staircase and stop just outside my door.

I did, however, hear the door slam open, the knob bouncing violently off the wall.

What the hell?

"Rise and shine, sleepyhead! Today is not a day to stay in bed!"

I didn't move and didn't attempt to remove the covers from their spot over my face. I knew the voice and instead of wanting to answer him, I wanted to find the nearest heavy object and chuck it at his head.

Something told me, though, I wouldn't be able to locate enough objects when I heard not one, but several more sets of heavy footsteps ramble into my bedroom.

"Jeez, Bella – I've never been in your room before. This isn't what I imagined it would look like at all."

Still remaining under my protective cotton cocoon, I groaned. "Get out."

"Is that any way to treat guests?"

"Guys, she doesn't sound too happy…"

"Kid, you need to learn a thing or two about women. When they say no it usually means…"

"What the hell planet do you live on, Quil?"

Letting out a frustrated cry and inwardly swearing at Charlie for allowing them farther than the front door, I threw back the comforter and sat upright. I braced for a moment as dizziness spread through me quickly, no doubt caused by the fact I hadn't eaten anything in the better part of three days. Once my vision cleared, I was able to make out Seth standing between my closet and the window, fluttering awkwardly between the two like he was afraid to touch anything. Quil, on the other hand, had picked up a notebook from my desk and was thumbing through the pages. When he saw me emerge from under the blankets, he dropped it to my desk with a loud thud as he realized I caught him. To my right, Embry was leaning against the doorframe, his arms crossed tightly across his chest as he watched the scene going on in front of him. His mouth was still hanging partially open from his reprimand directed at Quil.

"Please get out," I repeated, adding a tint of politeness to the request, hoping maybe that would get me what I wanted.

It didn't.

"Bella, sleeping till one in the afternoon is for teenagers and the gainfully unemployed – you are neither, so get your butt out of bed," Quil quipped, starting toward my closet. "Now we just gotta find you something to wear…"

"Quil, get out of my closet!" I exclaimed, smacking my hand on my bedspread in frustration. Why were they even here?

Seth's eyes were wide as he stood watching Quil rifle through my clothes hangers, one by one, examining each outfit like he actually cared what I wore out of the house. "Maybe we should just tell her why we're here…"

Quil shushed him quickly with a wave of his hand behind his back. "How about this?" He emerged from the closet with a hanger containing a fuchsia sundress I let Renee buy me the last time I visited her in Florida. It was a halter top with a plunging neckline and was something I definitely hadn't worn since it last emerged from my suitcase. "This is cute and very…pink." Quil raised his eyebrows once, an unconvinced look spreading across his face. "It definitely screams good mood, that's for sure."

I heard Embry chuckle from the doorway. When I shot him a glare, he tried unsuccessfully to hide his smile behind his hand.

"Quil…." I raised my eyebrows expectantly toward him.

"But first you have to do something with that hair, Bella." Quil made an exaggerated hand motion with his hand as he cut me off, placing the dress back in my closet. "We can't take you out in public looking like that."

Instinctively, my hands traveled to the tangled mess sitting on top of my head. I had no doubt I looked as pleasing as I felt. As I attempted to pull my fingers – unsuccessfully – through the matted strands, I tried to remember the last time I'd taken a shower but the truth was, I couldn't. What was the point? I hadn't left my room, let alone the house.

"Public?" I repeated, the word leaving a sour taste in my mouth. "What the hell are you plotting, Quil? Whatever it is, I'm not going anywhere."

Quil feigned a look of insult as he put his hand to his chest like he was offended. "Me? No, there is no me – this little plan is all about we." He looked at Seth and Embry in turn before turning back to my closet, continuing his quest to find me what was – in his messed up definition – a suitable outfit. "And yes, you are going somewhere."

I was losing my patience with the three overgrown Quileutes who had invaded my bedroom. This wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want to be forced into a recovery for which I wasn't sure I was ready. Just like with Jacob, I was determined not to let them bully me into it.

"Guys – seriously?" I exclaimed, my bottom lip quivering and my voice laced with a pleading tone. "I'm really not up for this right now."

His shoulders slumping, Quil let out a heavy sigh and turned to face me. He leaned against the closer door, folding his arms in front of his broad chest. The weighted look in his eyes sent an unwilling shiver up my spine.

"You know what, Bells? Neither are we, but we're still here."

Gaping at him, I had to remind myself to shut my mouth after a moment. A glance at Seth and Embry confirmed it. They looked like they hadn't slept in days. Their features were haggard and exhausted yet here they were in my bedroom, plastering smiles on their faces for my sake and my sake alone.

I knew none of the events in the past three weeks had been easy on them – it was written all over their faces – but they were still trying to coax me out of bed and out of my protective bubble because despite my best protests, they were forcing life to move forward and they wanted it to move forward for me, too – with or without Jacob.

I felt the familiar sting of tears in my eyes. Looking at three of them standing in my room, I suddenly was overcome by gratitude, but it also served as a cold, hard reminder of why I was here in the first place. I knew I wasn't ready for this, and even though the thought of trying to put on a strong face and make it through a normal day was terrifying, I took a deep breath and another look at the faces of the three boys standing in my room.

As much as I wanted to, I couldn't push them away. If they wanted to be my saviors today, I would let them, no matter how much it hurt.

"So where exactly are we going?"

"Slow down, man! Seriously? You're gonna kill us!"

An hour later, we were flying down the highway in Quil's mom's car, going ridiculously fast and heading in the opposite direction of La Push.

"Nah," Quil murmured, slinging one arm carelessly over the steering wheel and throwing a lopsided grin in Seth's direction, who was sitting in the backseat next to me, his knuckles turning white from where he held the passenger seat in front of him in a death grip. "You got the same reflexes as me, kid. You know I got this."

The look on Seth's face screamed otherwise.

Letting my head rest aimlessly on the back of the seat, I took a deep breath and tried to ignore the throbbing hunger pains in my stomach by letting myself focus on the world rushing by outside. I had absolutely no idea where we were going and, at this point, I couldn't bring myself to care about Quil's speed or our destination. I didn't see myself having fun regardless of where we ended up.

The guys had waited patiently downstairs at the house while I managed my way through a shower. I emerged about a half hour later, dressed in clean clothes and looking astoundingly more alive than I had minutes earlier, despite the fact I didn't feel it. Surprisingly, I realized Charlie was still home and looked more than thrilled I'd surfaced from my isolation.

"I guess I'm going out," I murmured, leaning against the doorframe as Charlie stood against the kitchen sink, spoon in hand, eating the remnants of a bowl of soup.

Charlie wiped his mouth with the back of his hand before nodding. "That's good, Bells. The boys said they were taking you somewhere fun."

Hearing footsteps behind me, I peered over my shoulder to see Embry walk into the entryway. His eyebrows were raised and he looked at his feet before looking at me. "Ready to go?"

I nodded again, tightly crossing my arms in front of my chest.

"Wait, Bells, shouldn't you eat something before you go?"

"No worries, Chief!" Quil's voice suddenly appeared behind me, causing me to jump. "We'll make sure she gets some food."

Charlie smiled nervously, although inwardly I knew he was grateful Quil, Embry and Seth had shown up when they did. "Alright, well – have fun, you guys. And be careful!"

Now, as Quil sped along the highway at a speed that could only be considered criminal by most cops, I knew this wasn't Charlie's definition of 'careful'. Oh, well, I thought. A part of me couldn't help feeling like the sooner we could get this little outing over with, the better.

"So, Bella, you wanna guess where we're taking you?"

I looked up to see Quil eyeing me in the rear view mirror, excitedly wagging his eyebrows as he awaited my response.

"Do I have a say in whether we do it if I guess right?" I replied dryly.

"Come on, Bells," Embry cut in, a hint of admonishment in his tone. He leaned his head against the front passenger seat and turned to peer back at me. "Don't be like that. It'll be fun."

I sighed, the guilt – a product of my misguided hostility – again creeping to the front of my awareness. They're only trying to help you, Bella.

"Are we going out to eat somewhere?"

"Nope," Quil responded, tapping his fingers on the steering well.

"Going to a movie?" I silently prayed it wasn't a movie, remembering the only times I'd gone to see movies in Port Angeles and who usually accompanied me to them.

"This isn't a date, Bella. If so, that would just be weird," Quil replied, eyeing Embry in the passenger side next to him. Embry seemed unfazed as he stared out the window.

I felt an involuntary smile pulling at my lips.

"So, come on — where are we going?"

"Crazy?"

"Ha! Well, you're probably already halfway there, so…"

"Dude!"

"Ow!" Quil removed one hand from the steering wheel long enough to rub his bicep. Embry glared at him from the passenger seat, his fist falling back into his lap. "I was kidding! It was a joke. Bella!" His eyes flicked back up to the rear view mirror. "It was a joke."

I stared back at him blankly, seeing the anxiety in the reflection of his eyes. "The only reason I'm crazy is because you men have made me that way," I retorted, raising an eyebrow at Quil.

Quil cackled and Embry chuckled, likely more out of relief that Quil's comment hadn't pushed me over the not-so-metaphorical deep end than actual amusement. I could see Quil nodding. "Word," he muttered, the reprieve also tangible in his voice.

The rest of the ride was almost painfully silent, but I welcomed it. I again concentrated on watching the trees and passing cars go by until, slowly, buildings started coming into view, buildings I recognized from several trips I'd made to this town over the past couple years. We were in Port Angeles.

"So you're really not going to tell me where we're going?" I broke the silence.

Quil chuckled. "Well, we're gonna be there in a few minutes so we might as well make it a surprise now."

I watched as we drove down the main road in Port Angeles, passing businesses and restaurants I knew. Each time we did, I anticipated us stopping but we never did and only continued through town. It wasn't until we reached the east end of Port Angeles when a huge sign obnoxiously placed on the side of the road came into view. It wasn't until we got closer that I could make out the words on the marquis.

"You've got to be kidding me."

Quil snickered as he slowed the car to turn into the parking lot just past the sign. "We never kid, Bella Swan."

"You are NOT taking me – bowling!" I barely managed to control the disdain that fell off my tongue right along with the word. Quil pretended he didn't hear me as he whipped into a parking spot, slamming the sedan into park before it was fully stopped, causing the car itself to shudder. Beside me, Seth let out a groan of protest as his hands shot out to the back of the passenger seat to brace himself.

"Alright, Bella, let's make a deal." Quil again looked at me in the rear view mirror. "You bowl three strikes in a row today, and we'll never make you do this again."

"Seriously? You plan on making a habit out of this, Quil?"

Quil shrugged nonchalantly. "You never know." His eyebrows rose once more. "So? Deal?" He stretched his left arm across his chest and over his shoulder, offering his hand to me. From his spot in the passenger seat, Embry eyed Quil's hand then looked at me expectantly, one eyebrow cocked in curiosity.

Rolling my eyes, I reached out and took Quil's hand, shaking it. "Deal."

There was hardly anyone in the rickety old bowling alley when we walked through the front door, my nose immediately bombarded by the smell of shoe leather, vinyl and aging carpet. I couldn't even remember the last time I set foot in a bowling alley. The only time that came to mind was when I lived in Phoenix and went with a few friends. My fun had been cut short that night when I ended up dropping the bowling ball on my toe when I tried picking it up from the carousel.

As we rounded the corner and made our way to the customer service counter, I noticed there were a few other groups in the building, namely a group of college-aged kids and two senior citizen couples. The alleys were brightly lit and the building itself also reeked of stale beer. I could feel a tight knot forming in my stomach as we approached the counter, silently wondering where the guys had gotten the idea that this would be fun for me.

A tall, gangly teenager stood from his chair as we reached the counter. "Can I help you guys?" he asked, his tone conveying sincere boredom.

"One lane, partner," Quil quipped. "And shoes – can't forget the shoes. Oh! And one of those lightweight, girly balls for this one." He pointed at me.

I fought the urge inside me to take the girly ball once I had it in my hands and throw it at Quil's head.

The guy put us on a lane on the far end of the bowling alley, away from a majority of the other groups. While Embry set to work setting up the scoring computer, Quil kicked off his shoes before pulling on the multi-colored bowling shoes where he stood. I watched him as he hopped a couple times, getting a feel for his shoes, before he stretched his arms over his head and rotated his torso back and forth. When he caught me gaping at him, he stopped. "What? Gotta stretch before you play. Everyone knows that."

"I hate you right now, Quil Ateara."

Quil grinned. "No, you don't. Now get your shoes on! I'm ready for some bowling!"

If I thought bowling wasn't my sport before trying it with three men who possessed supernatural, wolfy strength and dexterity, I was sorely underestimating my hatred for the pastime.

Quil was up first and after taking three minutes to "perfectly line up his throw," he released the ball. It rocketed down the lane and slammed into the pins, sending each one flying. Seth clapped in congratulations and Quil spun around, taking a quick bow before trotting back and sinking into the hard, plastic seat next to me.

Embry was up next and took his turn in similar fashion, throwing the seemingly weightless ball down the lane and obliterating the pins where they stood. He didn't make a show of it like Quil, though, and only grinned sheepishly when he turned around. "Sorry, Bells," he murmured, winking at me and shrugging before continuing past me and walking back toward where we came in.

I didn't have time to wonder where he was headed as Seth placed a hand on my knee. "Your turn, Bella."

"Great," I muttered, standing up and wiping the thin layer of sweat off my hands onto my jeans. Stepping on to the platform, I grabbed the lightweight ball, careful to make sure I had it in a tight grip before lifting it from the carousel. I took a couple steps forward and lined my toes up with the arrows. Bringing the ball in front of me and supporting it with my left hand, I eyed the pins.

I can do this, I thought. I can do this and not make a complete fool of myself.

I was wrong.

As I took a deep breath and brought back my arm attached to the hand holding the ball, I was surprised when I felt the weight disappear from my fingers. It only took a moment to hear the loud banging behind me as I spun around to locate my runaway ball.

The ball itself hadn't done much damage, but Quil was now perched on his seat with his legs pulled up across the one next to it, and Seth was standing on top of the chair near the scoring computer. Both looked at the ball with wide eyes, which landed a few feet away from them in approximately the same spot Seth had been standing before I took my disastrous turn.

Then they both looked at me, still gaping.

My hands flew to my mouth. "I'm so sorry! Did I hit one of you?" Letting my arms drop to my sides, I squeezed my fists and my eyes shut and stamped my foot, groaning.

"Nah, Bells, we're all good." Quil threw me a look laced with a slight smile, obviously trying to make me feel better as he tried to suppress his obvious laughter.

I shook my head, my voice edged with an unjustified panic. "No, it's not good. I told you this was a bad idea!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Bella, relax, it's no big deal." Quil stood and bent to pick up the ball before approaching me. "You don't have to be good at it, you just have to have fun — so try again." I gingerly reached out and took the ball from Quil. "Oh, but just in case that happens again?" He motioned behind him where the ball landed. "Keep that aim and spare our legs. Have you ever seen a three-legged wolf try to take out a vampire?"

Biting my bottom lip, I shook my head, not really aware it was a rhetorical question.

Quil blinked a couple times, his eyes glazed over with a dumbfounded look as he realized I was ridiculously awaiting an answer. "Well, neither have I but I can imagine it's probably not very pretty." He concluded his musing with a toothy grin.

Then the strangest thing happened — I laughed. It wasn't a wholehearted laugh, one you can feel start in your stomach, but it was a laugh nonetheless. For a second, it felt almost like it had taken a miniscule sliver of pain with it.

Almost.

As soon as the laugh started, it stopped and I could feel a slight smile remain on my lips. "Thanks, Quil."

Quil winked before falling back and motioning with his hands toward the lane. Turning around, I placed the ball back in front of my body and was particularly careful this time to make sure it stayed on my fingers when I pulled my arm back to release it. When I did, it careened down the lane, although not in a straight line. The ball made it about six feet before it landed gracefully in the gutter. I watched, slightly disappointed, as it made its trek down the expanse before disappearing. I didn't have much better luck on the second throw either.

With a sigh, I came to the conclusion I was never meant to be a good bowler and collapsed into my seat as Seth stood to take his turn.

"What'd I miss?"

Looking over my shoulder, I saw Embry approaching us with a tray covered in what looked like burgers, fries and other greasy diner-type foods. It wasn't food I ate very often, but my stomach grumbled at the mere sight of it, reminding me how long it had been since I'd eaten.

"You missed Bella almost take our legs out with a renegade ball, that's what!" Quil piped up beside me. "It was horrible, dude. I didn't think we were gonna make it out alive."

Embry rolled his eyes at Quil's theatrics. "I doubt it would make you any slower than you already are, man." Sitting the tray of food on the small table attached to the end of the plastic chairs, he looked up at me. "Hungry?"

Although my mind wasn't telling me I was hungry, my stomach growled again at the smell of the cheeseburger, especially when Embry picked it up and offered it to me. I nodded and took it. "Thanks, Em."

When Quil got up to take his turn, Embry sank into the seat next to me and dove into his own burger. I gingerly opened the wrapper of mine and raised it to my mouth, taking a slow bite. Despite my stomach's nagging, the burger didn't taste nearly as good as it smelled. Regardless, I kept nibbling on it, forcing myself to take one bite after another.

"Dammit!"

I looked up to see Quil staring aimlessly down the lane, one hand on his hip. A moment later, he turned around and looked at Seth. "So I may or may not have just busted a pin in half with that throw and now nothing's happening. "

"Way to go, man," Seth quipped, trying to peer past Quil. "Did you break it?"

"I think it's jammed," Quil laughed. "Guess I don't know my own strength sometimes. Come on, kid. Let's go find someone who works here so they can fix it and we can finish the game. I wanna see Bella knock at least one pin down before this game is over."

I ignored his good-natured jab and chewed meekly on a bite of my burger as I watched the two of them walk back toward the customer service counter. Turning back to my burger, I looked at it for a minute before I sighed, letting my hands fall back to my lap.

"So who's idea was this anyway?"

Beside me, Embry stopped mid-chew, taking a moment before he swallowed thickly. "Well, we all thought we should do something. Everyone was pretty worried when you wouldn't answer your phone or call anyone back."

"So you thought you guys would just come ambush me?" I peered at Embry out of the corner of my eye.

Blinking a couple times, Embry's features were apprehensive. "Are you mad?"

Quickly realizing how my question was construed, I shook my head. "No, I'm not mad." I looked back at my burger and let out a forced chuckle. "A heads-up woulda been nice, though."

Embry stopped just before he took another bite, cocking an eyebrow. "Would you have come if we tried to call and invite you?"

My eyes fell. "No, probably not."

Embry made a noise in his throat before he took his delayed bite, letting me know I'd only confirmed what he thought in the first place.

In the meantime, though, I couldn't help but ask.

"So…has anyone heard from..." I stopped for a second to gather my thoughts and, in turn, my words. "Has anyone heard anything?" I picked at the bun on my burger, already knowing the answer, but I wanted to hear it from someone else's mouth, just in case my intuition was wrong.

His face sullen, Embry swallowed and shook his head. "You'd be the first to know if we did, Bells."

I knew he was right, but it still stung to hear his answer.

"You having fun at least?" And he knew the answer to that question, yet he asked anyway.

I looked out across the bowling alley, letting my eyes wander across the bowling league championship banners and the large, black lettering painted on the concrete walls, spelling out the name of the bowling alley itself. "I'm trying," I whispered. "This isn't easy for me, Em, but I'm trying – really, I am."

I heard Embry exhale roughly beside me. Sitting his burger and its wrapper on the seat to his left, Embry leaned forward in his chair, resting his elbows on his knees. "Yeah, I know you are. That's kind of what I figured, though."

I sighed again as I finally gave up on eating the burger, letting it sit on the wrapper resting on my lap. I could feel the tears burning the corners of my eyes, threatening to break free at any moment. "It doesn't seem right being here, you know? Being here, trying to have fun – without him."

Out of my peripheral vision, I saw a russet hand slide across the seat and place itself over mine, giving my fingers a soft squeeze. The action gave permission to a lone tear as it slid down my cheek. I felt it reach my chin as it fell, leaving a wet spot on my denim-covered leg.

I sniffed and swallowed distinctly, using my free hand to wipe the moisture from my cheek. "You guys all seem like you're doing pretty good considering..." I murmured, my voice drifting off as I managed to turn my head this time and give Embry my full attention.

It took him a minute to return my gaze. His dark eyes were troubled and the look was too familiar to me. I was certain it was the same look I had in mine at that moment. "I wouldn't say we're doing good," he muttered sympathetically as he slowly withdrew his hand from mine, letting it rest on his knee. "Quil? I think he's just convinced Jake's not gonna stay gone long, which is why he doesn't seem so different right now. I mean, that's Quil in general, but I think that has a lot to do with it. Seth, though – I don't think Seth knows what to think. Jake was like a big brother to him. I think he's a little lost right now."

I tried to fight off the lump rising in my throat. Frowning, I watched Embry intently as his eyes shifted between me and his horribly weathered bowling shoes, unable to hold my gaze for longer than a few moments. "Is that what you think? That Jake's gonna come back soon?"

Embry sighed and wrung his hands together. "It doesn't really matter what I think."

I shook my head as he finally looked at me. A part of me wanted to hear what he believed, and a smaller part of me wanted to trust his opinion, mainly for that reason — I was looking for someone to trust. Aside from that, though, I wanted someone to not hide behind a disgustingly happy façade in order to mask the reality of what was going on, someone who knew what I was going through and someone who wouldn't lie to me for the sake of sparing my feelings, as much as I may have claimed to want exactly that.

"It does matter," I murmured softly.

Embry's head moved in an almost indiscernible nod, almost like he wanted to agree with me, before he met my gaze once again. "I don't think he's coming back, Bella – at least not anytime soon." My heart wrenched, even though it was the answer I was expecting. "Jake's never been the kind of person to run away from his problems, to run away from you. Push people away? Yeah, but the fact he actually left means something was really, really messed up inside of him – something that won't be fixed overnight." His face softened as I stared at him, another tear escaping my eye. "I'm sorry, Bella. I'm not trying to hurt you."

"No, no – it's okay," I assured him, again reaching up to wipe away the tear. When his face relaxed into a soft smile, I tried with everything inside me to return it. "Thank you for being honest. And this?" I made a weak hand motion to encompass the bowling alley in which we were sitting. "Thank you for this. I mean it, really – thank you."

"You're welcome, Bells."


	9. Masochist

_**Suggested Listening: "Crash" by Stateless, "Hold On" by Angus & Julia Stone, "Don't Bring Me Down" by Sia, "Bluebird" by Christina Perri** _

The next several days went by as they should have. Time had no regard to incident or feelings, and the minutes continued to tick by one by one, allowing me the bittersweet courtesy of knowing another day was behind me and I was either one day closer to Jacob coming home or learning how to live without him.

Upon my return from the impromptu bowling trip with Quil, Embry and Seth, I did not go back to bed. I couldn't hide, no matter how much I wanted to. Our outing to Port Angeles showed me as much. If I tried to hide, there would be others there waiting to drag me from my solitude, ready to stand me on my own two feet and challenge me to stare my pain in the face. I couldn't run from this. No matter how far I ran, I'd have to face it at some point.

Instead, I forced myself to go through the motions otherwise known as life and acknowledge each passing moment with a full awareness of what I was facing and the possible long road I had in front of me.

It wasn't easy; in fact, it hurt like hell more often than not. The reminders, the familiar surroundings, the mementos that marked the moments of my life with Jacob were around me constantly and there was no avoiding that fact. I saw him everywhere. I saw _us_ everywhere.

Sometimes, the reminders came in the form of something small – a song on the radio, the smell of a car's exhaust when it passed by the house, the taste of the warm soda on my tongue after I grabbed it from the case next to the fridge without really thinking about it.

Sometimes, though, they were larger reminders, cold realities that would leave me breathless and staggering. I cried myself to sleep one night after I awoke, shivering because of the cold breeze coming through my window. I couldn't remember the last time I was so cold. In the same moment, I longed for Jacob's warmth, for his light. I would have given everything to feel his body next to mine and let him wrap me in his arms.

Remembering how that felt, I wasn't so sure this would ever get easier.

But I allowed the tears. I allowed myself to grieve and I allowed myself to remember, because I _wouldn't_ hide. I wouldn't shut down. I couldn't let myself become that person again because I owed Jacob more than that.

With no school and no work – I had told the Newtons following Billy's death I'd need an 'undetermined amount of time off to help Jacob and his family get things in order' – I found it increasingly difficult to find things to occupy my time, to keep my mind off everything. There were several times I caught myself thinking about calling Embry or Quil to see what they were doing. I'd even let them take me bowling again if it meant keeping the pain at bay for a few welcome moments.

But I didn't call them, and although I knew they'd welcome it and would never complain, I wasn't their burden to bear.

Two weeks had passed since Jacob's disappearance and meanwhile, I found solace in the kitchen. My reprieve came in the form of baked goods – mainly, cookies and muffins. I couldn't be talked down from my baking soda-laced mission and Charlie certainly wasn't complaining. At the rate I was going, we'd have enough baked goods in the freezer to last us through Christmas.

On day two of my baking binge, I was so focused on the task at hand I didn't hear the front door quietly open and footsteps approach the kitchen.

"Bella?"

Looking up from where I stood at the kitchen table, mixing spoon in one hand and stainless steel bowl in the other, I let out a puff of breath to rid myself of the strand of hair hanging in my eyes. I was surprised to see Emily leaning against the doorframe, her eyebrows raised and eyes wide as she let her eyes roam the kitchen and my handiwork.

Examining the kitchen, I felt a twinge of embarrassment. Three different kinds of muffins lined every square inch of bare countertop the kitchen had to offer. I had even set up cooling racks over the stove and lined those with muffins, too. The table looked like a flour sack exploded on it, as did the apron tied loosely around my body. Quickly, I looked away from Emily's beautiful face, letting my eyes fall on the mixing bowl, which contained batter for the fifth batch of muffins I'd made that day. I knew how it looked – either I was having a pack of werewolves over for brunch or I was drowning my grief in double chocolate chip muffin batter. Since Emily usually was in charge of the former, I had my suspicions she was leaning toward the latter.

"Hey," I responded, quickly letting the spoon fall into the bowl and wiping my flour-covered hands on my apron. "Sorry about the mess. I wasn't expecting anyone to come by..."

Emily held up a hand as if to silence me. I hadn't realized she was carrying a covered casserole dish in them until she adjusted the other to keep it held against her. "Don't worry about it, Bella. I probably should have called."

I flashed her an absentminded half-smile before taking the few steps to the oven, where I proceeded to open the door a crack to check on the batch of muffins still in there. "It's okay. I've pretty much figured out it's a Quileute thing to not call before stopping by." The comment was meant in jest but the slightly embarrassed look on Emily's face had me backpedaling. "Sorry, Emily. I wasn't trying to be rude."

Emily chuckled. "It's okay." Taking a couple steps into the kitchen, her eyes still wide, she nodded toward the casserole dish in her arms. "I brought you something. Thought maybe you'd appreciate someone else cooking for you for a change."

"Thanks," I murmured, reaching up to brush the same stubborn strand of hair from my face and tucking it behind my ear, "but honestly, Emily – you can just tell me why you're really here."

Emily's mouth fell open slightly. "Why I'm really here?"

My eyebrow rose as I looked her over. "You're here to check on me? Make sure I'm not holed up in my bedroom with dark sheets over the windows and Sinead O'Connor blasting on my stereo? Am I close?"

Emily's eyes flitted awkwardly between the kitchen table and me, almost like she was afraid to look me in the eye and confirm it. "Uh, Bella, I just thought I'd..."

"Which one of them sent you? Was it Quil? Embry? Or was it Leah? I'll bet it was. I always knew she'd come out of her shell one of these days."

At the mention of Leah taking a sudden interest in my well being, Emily cracked a small smile at the irony of it, despite my snarky undertone. Letting out a heavy sigh, she finally met my gaze. "Okay, you caught me – I'm here to check on you."

"Figured. You guys just really need to learn to come out and say it." I tried to ease the hard lines on my face when I said it, to let her know I wasn't angry with her and didn't mind that she had, in fact, dropped by to check on me. Any distraction was a welcome one at this point. "It's okay you're here, though. What did you bring?" I motioned to the food she was holding.

Emily smiled and again looked down at the casserole dish. "Chicken and dumplings. I remember one time you made it at Billy's and Charlie ate it like it was his last meal. I figured maybe he'd appreciate it, too, although I'm sure it's not as good as yours."

"I doubt that," I said, allowing myself to smile through the sudden knot in my stomach. Emily was an excellent cook and although my skills weren't anything to laugh at, I knew it was one area she had me beat. I approached her and took the dish from her hands. "Thank you. Charlie'll love it."

"Good," Emily murmured. "Bringing food just seems to be my old standby method when it comes to helping others." She let out a soft laugh when she said it.

Once I managed to find an empty space in the refrigerator to squeeze the casserole, I went to the sink and retrieved a wet rag to clean off the kitchen table. As I wiped away the remnants of my baking hysteria, I looked up at Emily, who was still standing uneasily in the middle of the kitchen peering back at me, watching as I got rid of the mess.

"So how are you, Bella?"

There it was – the million-dollar question. It was the one thing I knew she'd wanted to ask since she set foot in the kitchen. I shrugged, looking back down at the table and scooping the small pile of stray flour into my hand to place in the garbage can. "Okay, considering..." I replied sullenly, turning and emptying my hands in the can. "I don't know – I like to think I get points for breathing in and out."

I chose that moment to meet Emily's stare, just as a look of pity flashed through her dark eyes. "I'm so sorry, Bella," she whispered. "I just can't imagine."

Her condolences caused my stomach to knot, and I distracted myself by wiping my hands one last time on my apron before sinking into one of the chairs pushed up to the table. "There's no reason for you to be sorry," I muttered. "None of this is your fault."

With that, Emily found her feet and shuffled over to the table, gingerly taking a seat across from me. "I know," she replied. "It's just..." She trailed off for a moment, as if she was thinking about how to get the words out or her point across. "I'm just...so _mad_ at Jacob for doing this to us, for doing this to _you_ , especially after the last time." She fell silent for another moment, almost as if she was afraid to mention it. "You didn't deserve this."

Emily sighed, her breath coming out with a ragged edge to it. "But at the same time, I'm just worried sick about him, so I can only imagine how you must be feeling."

"It's nothing I can't handle." I wasn't sure if I spoke the words more to convince her or convince myself.

"Yeah, but you shouldn't have to, Bella," Emily responded, wringing her hands together on top of the table. "That's what makes me so mad. I know grief can change people and make them do strange things, but I can't help but think if he would have just stayed here and let us help him, he would have been okay. We would have seen him through this."

It was easy to understand Emily's sudden anger and distress toward Jacob's disappearance, slightly different than the Emily I heard the night he left, the one assuring Sam that wherever Jacob was, he'd be fine. My throat tightened at the memory, but it made sense. Since Jacob and the others started phasing, Emily had become an unofficial "den mother" to most of the pack members. She provided for them, she took care of them, she fretted over them and she celebrated with them. They were her family. Losing Billy, then losing Jacob had been just like losing a part of her family.

In that moment, my heart no longer hurt for myself. It hurt for Emily, too.

"I'm sorry, Bella, I shouldn't be unloading all this on you," Emily apologized, reaching up and wiping at her eye. "You have enough to deal with without me adding to it."

I shrugged and tried my best to smile in her direction. "It's okay. I get enough time during the day to think about how I feel, and I wasn't the only person who loved him..." Remembering that love made the ache flare as I looked around the kitchen, reminding me it was still there and no amount of deflection or baked goods could squelch it.

Emily let out an anxious chuckle before her eyes met mine. "If you ever need someone to talk to, Bella, I just want you to know I'm here. I know the guys have told you that, too, but if you ever just need another woman to talk to..."

I nodded, a similar chuckle leaving my throat. I appreciated her gesture. "Sometimes that might be nice."

Emily smiled warmly. "I know it's nice being able to talk to you. Sam's a good listener, but most of the time – especially lately – it's been all business with him. I think with everything that's happened, he's trying extra hard to be that strong leader the guys need. He just wants to make sure there's at least one constant in their lives, something they don't have to worry about changing..."

 _Because we all know how quickly everything can get turned upside down_ , I thought a silent conclusion to Emily's observation.

"That sounds like Sam," was all I could bring myself to say out loud. After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, my thoughts went elsewhere. "So does Rachel know about Jake? Does Rebecca?"

Emily shook her head. "I think Sam's kind of afraid to tell them, at least right now. We just lost Billy and he thinks it might be too much for them. I think he wants to give it some time, to wait and see..."

 _Wait and see_. I shuddered despite my lack of reason to. Hearing Emily talk of Sam and how his thought process revolved around waiting tore at something inside me. Despite Jacob's letter, despite him telling us he didn't know if he'd ever return, that was perhaps the most painful part of his disappearance and what we were facing. It was the what-ifs, the maybes. It was the lack of certainties and the not knowing which direction was the right one to face.

All I could do was nod at Emily as she looked at me, a sympathetic smile crossing her lips.

"In the meantime," Emily continued, "Sam's trying to figure out what to do with the house."

" _Jacob's_ house?" I queried, my eyebrows pulling down over my eyes as I frowned. When Emily nodded, I shook my head in confusion. "I don't understand."

Pausing before she answered my question, Emily stood and walked to the sink, pulling a clean glass from the dish strainer and filling it with water. She took a sip before she leaned against the counter, crossing her free arm in front of her. "Nothing's going to happen to the house, Bella...but there are things that need to be done." She took a deep breath and another drink of water. "Things we thought Jake was going to be around to do, but now we're not so sure..."

My stomach rolled and I found myself clutching the edge of my apron tight between my fingers. "I still don't understand." I could feel the anxiousness clawing at throat. "You're not talking about selling the house, are you?"

"Of course not, Bella," Emily reassured quietly. "At least not yet. That's one of those things where we have to wait and see what happens."

_Wait and see. What-ifs. Maybes._

I suddenly had to suppress the overwhelming urge to scream.

"And even so," Emily continued, "we couldn't do anything like that without talking to Rachel and Rebecca first. Right now, I think Sam's just thinking about who's going to be around to take care of the house. It's an old house, Bella. A lot of things go wrong in old houses, things that could ruin the place if someone's not around to notice them or see them happen – busted pipes, leaky roof, those types of things."

"So what exactly does Sam think he's gonna do?"

Emily gave a slight shrug. "Honestly, he's not sure yet. We've only talked about it a little bit. He did mention the idea of possibly renting it out or letting another Quileute stay there in the meantime, act as a sort of caretaker for the house."

"No!"

Emily's jaw dropped slightly and she gaped at me, her eyes wide in surprise. "Bella, it's okay. We're not..."

"Absolutely not." Suddenly I was on my feet and the words kept spilling from my mouth through their own volition. What were they thinking? Were they going to let some _stranger_ live in Jacob's house? In Billy's house? That was the only part I could comprehend of what Emily was telling me.

Emily's lips pursed in understanding. "Bella, I know this isn't easy for you – trust me, I do. It's not easy for me either. But if things don't... _change_ we're going to have to do something. One of these days we're going to have to go through Billy's old things, start cleaning out..."

I scowled at Emily before I interrupted her. "And Sam thinks letting some stranger live in Jacob's house is the best answer?" I shook my head again, violently this time. "Absolutely not," I repeated.

I didn't know why I was fighting Emily on it. I had no right, but a part of me obviously bristled at the idea of letting someone else stay in the little red house, a house that had become a second home to me, a house that possessed so many of my fondest memories, a house where I spent the absolute best months of my existence. The idea of tainting that seemed almost unbearable.

But deep down, I knew the real reason for my protests. The idea – the solution that seemed so simple to Sam and Emily – was too final. The words carried a weight and a chilling permanence. To me, it was admitting defeat.

It was the same as saying they honestly believed Jacob was never going to come home.

 _That_ was something I wasn't ready to do. Not yet. Not this soon.

The sympathetic look on Emily's face continued to grate at my nerves. I felt like what I was saying wasn't reaching her – either that, or she simply wasn't listening. "I didn't mean to upset you, Bella. You deserve to know what's going on. That's the only reason I brought it up, but it's still a long ways off."

Despite the fact I silently accused her of not listening, it actually was me who wasn't hearing what Emily was saying. She had lost me at the allusion of allowing someone strange to live in Jacob's house. But what could I do? It wasn't my decision and as far as I knew, there was nothing I could do to stop it.

But maybe there was.

"I'll do it."

Emily, who was in the process of bringing the glass to her lips for a drink, froze at my words, her eyes widening and her mouth hanging open. It took a few moments to compose herself before she lowered the glass and blinked a couple times in disbelief. "Bella..."

"I'll stay there."

The words were just falling out of my mouth now. Inside, my head was screaming at me to shut up. Not only did I know it wasn't necessary, but I was still lucid enough to recognize it was an incredibly bad idea, if for no other reason than it would hinder any progress I could hope to make in learning how to live my life without Jacob.

My heart was louder, though. I could hear it pounding in my ears, drowning out the critical and rational voices. All I could think was I needed to be there.

"Bella, that would be incredibly generous of you, but I don't think we're really at that point yet," Emily said softly.

Despite my inner struggle, I stood stoic and strong to let Emily know I wasn't kidding. "If you want someone to stay at the house, I will stay there, so let's just settle it now," I replied. There was no rationalizing with me at this point. Not even kind, loving, warm-hearted Emily would get me to budge.

_You're a masochist, Bella Swan – a one hundred percent, full-fledged masochist._

I pushed my better sense aside to gauge Emily's reaction. She was quiet for a few moments, following the silence with a sigh. The tone of her next question was skeptical, and I didn't blame her.

"Do you really think it's a good idea?"

_No._

"Yes," I spat out quickly. "I know that place better than my own house. It wouldn't be right to let anyone else stay there."

Emily chewed on this for a moment, her face wrinkling in concentration almost as if she actually was considering it. I didn't need her and Sam's permission, but I did want their blessing.

After what seemed like an eternity, Emily sighed again as she stood erect from her previous stance leaning against the sink. "I'll talk to Sam."

If it was possible for my heart to wrench in both fear and happiness, it did in that moment.

"But, Bella?" Emily looked at me, a somber expression crossing her features. "For what it's worth, I don't think it's a good idea."

* * *

Emily left that afternoon with at least three batches of muffins and the understanding she would speak to Sam and call me, but I knew she didn't _really_ understand. I couldn't tell her the primary reason I wanted to be there, the one underneath all the other reasons that were relevant yet nowhere near as important.

I needed to be there if Jacob came home. I wouldn't let him return to find some stranger in his house. I needed to be the first person to see him, the first person to know when he came home.

 _If_ he came home.

It was that fact and that fact alone that kept my resolve from wavering.

The phone rang later that evening as I was clearing the table following dinner. As Emily suspected, Charlie loved the chicken and dumplings. Completely satisfied, he retreated to the living room to catch some sporting event on television and left me alone to complete my post-dinner cleanup.

Upon answering it, I wasn't surprised to hear Emily's voice on the other end of the line. After she greeted me and I politely told her what a hit her food had been with Charlie, she told me she spoke with Sam. She told me he was okay with me staying at Jacob's house in La Push.

Emily's tone was apprehensive when she told me, but she didn't question it. I, on the other hand, had to steady myself against the doorframe near the phone when she said the words, suddenly not certain if my legs could support my own weight.

Was I doing the right thing? My heart was screaming yes, but my head and my common sense were telling me something completely different.

"When do you plan on coming?" Emily asked softly on the other end of the phone. Her question followed a distant one, obviously spoken by Sam.

"T-tonight," I stammered. "Is that too soon?"

Silence. I could hear Emily whisper something to Sam before removing her hand from the phone. "Tonight's okay. Sam says he'll send one of the pack members over there to meet you, just in case you need help with anything."

 _Or just in case you need someone there to watch out for you and pick you up off the floor should you need it,_ I thought.

Charlie, though, wasn't as amicable toward the idea.

"What do you mean you're going to stay there for awhile?"

I stood sheepishly a few feet away from his recliner while he eyed me skeptically. I wouldn't look him in the eye for fear he'd figure out the real reason I wanted to go and, quite possibly, that I lied to him about why all this was happening.

"I talked to Jake," I murmured, the words sending an involuntary shiver through me as I awkwardly shifted my weight from one foot to the other. "He said he'd feel better about leaving if someone was there to watch the house."

Charlie blinked stupidly in my direction. "Alright, Bells, so let me get this straight – he leaves, breaks up with you _before_ he leaves, then asks you to house-sit while he's gone?"

Biting my lower lip, I nodded.

Charlie scoffed and looked back at the TV. "Something about that doesn't seem right to me."

"It's only temporary, Dad. I'm just trying to do the right thing here," I pleaded, my voice cracking as my anxiety started to get the better of me. I pushed it down, though, and forced myself to take deep, even breaths.

"The right thing?" Charlie shifted his gaze back to me. "I don't like it, Bells."

"I'll be here a lot, Dad. It'll hardly seem like I'm gone," I urged. He and I both knew I didn't need his permission. I was an adult and was completely capable of making my own decisions, even though this one hardly qualified as one of my most rational ones.

I could see in his face that Charlie was thinking the same thing. His lip twitched as he thought about it for a moment, his eyes staring blankly at the television. He and I never really had a conversation centered on me living away from home. This was the first time I ever broached the subject with him, and it no doubt was throwing him for a loop.

"Dad," I whispered. "It _is_ the right thing to do...it's what Billy would have wanted."

Charlie's eye roll was anything but subtle, but I could tell he agreed with me. "I still don't like it, Bells, but...if you're doing it as a favor to Billy's family, I guess I have to support it."

It was almost 10 p.m. before I found myself on the road to La Push, leaving behind the sanctuary of Forks and the house I knew I could escape a majority of the memories. It took me almost two hours to pack my suitcase, fretting over what I would need and what I wouldn't need, spending more time than necessary assembling the things I was taking and putting each one in my suitcase. With my suitcase in hand, I grabbed my jacket off the coat rack and said goodbye to Charlie on my way out the door. All I got in return was a grunt.

As I navigated the curvy road in my truck, involuntary tears streamed down my cheeks, partially due to what had been waiting for me at the end of the trip the last time I made it. This was time was different, though. Now, I couldn't hold back the tears because I knew exactly what was waiting for me there.

Absolutely nothing.

There was nothing in that little red house with the exception of furniture and thousands of bittersweet memories that were going to make it harder than hell to get through this, but I was wiling to make the sacrifice. If it meant making things more difficult for myself in order to do one last thing for Billy and his family, so be it. If it kept a stranger from living under their roof – if I got to be there when Jacob came home – I'd do it a thousand times over without complaint.

When the little red house finally came into view, I couldn't help but quiver as a chilling shudder spread through my body. The porch light was on like it used to be, almost like it was inviting me in and telling me everything would be fine.

The air was moist and damp when I climbed out of my truck, no doubt indicating rain was near. With a grunt, I pulled my suitcase from the bed before taking a deep breath and starting toward the front porch, silently reminding myself to put one foot in front of the other.

I wasn't sure how I didn't notice the tall figure sitting on the porch steps when I pulled up, but when I finally saw him, I remembered Emily telling me Sam was going to send one of the pack members to greet me.

The wave of relief that coursed through me was almost unmistakable as I approached him and he smiled warmly in my direction.

"Hey, Embry," I murmured, stopping a couple feet in front of him. "Draw the short stick, did you?"

Leaning against the porch railing, he chuckled. "Only the luckiest get put on Bella babysitting duty, you know."

I rolled my eyes as my lip twitched, fighting a smile wanting to break free. "How long have you been here?"

Embry shrugged as he peered up at me. "Not too long. Sam called and asked if I'd run over here and meet you. He told me what you're doing..." The small amount of sweetness and humor left his features, quickly drifting away with his words, but his eyes didn't leave mine. "You don't have to be the martyr here, Bells. No one's gonna think any less of you."

Looking at the ground, unable to handle the rampant concern in his eyes, I ground my toe aimlessly into the dirt. "You gonna try to talk me out of it, too?"

"No, but I just wanted you to know I'm kind of on Emily's side here," he replied quietly. "Just don't think it's the best idea, Bells."

"Well, you're wrong," I said, my eyes jumping back to his, struggling to keep my calm exterior from cracking. "This is where I want to be. I want to be here because it's what Billy would have wanted, and I want to make sure I'm here if..." My words cut off sharply and I swallowed, realizing it was the first time I was admitting this out loud. "I want to make sure I'm here if Jake comes home."

A flicker of understanding passed through Embry's eyes and he nodded. I expected him to keep voicing his disapproval and try to prove to me it was a bad idea. Surprisingly, though, he didn't. "Okay." With that, he stood and motioned toward the door. "After you."

My eyebrows furrowing, I gaped at him before starting up the stairs, suitcase in hand. I could do this – I'd prove it to him.

_To him, Bella? Or to yourself?_

Once I was in the living room of the familiar house, I managed to take a few steps through the door before it all came rushing back, hitting my senses so hard it nearly knocked the breath out of my chest.

_The sweetness of this home, the rich essence of earth and spice lingering in the air between its walls._

_Billy's slippers next to the recliner, a dirty glass on top of the television, Jacob's t-shirt draped over the back of the couch._

_A piece of notebook paper with my name scrawled carelessly across the top._

I felt the bile rise in the back of my throat as I realized everything – with the exception of the note that sent my world spinning from its axis – was exactly same as the last time I'd been here. I wasn't sure if I expected it to be different, but it definitely was not. It was like walking into a recurring bad dream except there was no one there to pinch me awake.

I stood there reeling for a moment, my fingers failing and allowing my suitcase to hit the floor. As I did, it hit me. _Hard_.

This was a stupid idea. This was a _really_ stupid idea.

_My name is Bella Swan and I am the queen of stupidly painful, dumb ideas. Or I'm a sadistic self-tormenter._

_Whichever works._

Standing in the middle of the living room that just a few weeks ago was (still) home to Jacob and his father, I could feel my chest tightening. I could feel my lungs screaming at me, begging me to breathe deeper, and my head was still swimming. For a brief second, I contemplated picking up my suitcase, getting back in my truck, driving back to Forks and never looking back.

 _No, Bella. Get it together_ , I thought. This is what Billy would have wanted. He would have wanted to make sure his home was taken care – and _not_ by a stranger.

 _You can do this, Bella. You_ can _do this._

But the panic rising in my throat, the metaphorical elephant sitting on my chest wasn't convincing me. Everything in here screamed Jacob. The sights, the smells, the feelings pouring through me as I stood there made me ache in places I didn't know could ache and made me miss him more than I ever imagined possible.

"Bella?"

I didn't turn toward Embry's voice. Instead, I simply blinked and swallowed thickly. "Yeah?" My voice cracked as the word squeezed its way from my throat.

"Are you okay?"

Standing there, I considered lying to him for a split second but only managed to shake my head in an exaggerated motion. "No."

"Bella, you don't have to do this..."

"Yes, I do," I retorted, the words falling fluidly off my tongue. "I can do this."

I heard Embry sigh from his place by the door. "Do you want me to stay here with you? Just for tonight? That way you don't have to stay here alone."

I almost told him no. I almost told him it wasn't necessary, but the thought of having someone else in the house, another person to draw away some of the memories causing me to nearly fall apart where I stood overshadowed my objections. I found myself nodding before I even gave my head permission.

"Yeah. Yeah, I think that might be a good idea."

I heard the door close behind Embry, but I couldn't move. I stood right where I was and listened to his footsteps disappear down the hallway toward the bedrooms. As I heard him moving around in the spare room, the one that used to belong to Rachel and Rebecca, my anxiety started dissipating little by little. The elephant left and the huge lump in my throat gradually dissolved the more I came to terms with the fact I wasn't going to have to face this night alone.

A few minutes later, Embry emerged from the hallway, carrying a pillow and blanket under one arm. The corner of his lip worked at a smile as he nodded his head toward the couch. "I'll crash out here." Stopping near the arm of it, he threw the bedding on the couch before turning to face me. "I wasn't sure where you were planning to sleep, but I made up the bed quick in the spare room for you just in case."

Where was I going to sleep? The truth was I hadn't thought that far in advance. The logical answer would have been Jacob's bed. It was what I knew, where I was comfortable and what I was familiar with.

 _But that was then_ , I thought. If standing in the living room nearly sent me into an hysterical oblivion, what would sleeping in Jacob's bed do?

The little voices telling me to suck it up made their return as I met Embry's dark stare. "Thanks, Em," I replied, "but I should be fine."

Embry nodded, although his face conveyed only one thought – he didn't believe me. Regardless, he didn't say a word as he plopped down on the couch and stretched one arm across the back of it, absentmindedly running one hand through his shaggy hair. "K, then I'm probably gonna watch some TV before hitting the sack. You can join, if you want."

Managing a small smile and appreciating his friendly gesture, I shook my head. "No, that's okay. I'm kinda tired, so I'm probably going to call it a night."

"Okay," he said, dragging out the 'o' and reaching for the remote on the coffee table, "but I'm pretty sure there's a slasher movie marathon on one of the cable stations tonight. You're missing out."

I couldn't help it as I chuckled, bending down to pick up my suitcase. "That would be great...if they had cable here."

Embry shot a dumbfounded stare at the TV, a look crossing his face that could only be compared to a child finding out there was no Santa. "Well, damn." Sighing, he clicked the TV on anyway. "Nevermind then. Move along – nothing to see here obviously." His tone was teasing, but he still frowned slightly as the picture on the television flashed on and he scrolled through all four channels in a matter of two seconds.

I smiled slightly as I took a step away from the couch. Before I took another, I stopped and turned my head back toward Embry. "Hey, Em?"

"Hmm?" He was still flipping through the stations, almost like he was hoping a few more would magically appear if he did it enough times.

"Thanks for staying," I said quietly. "You really didn't have to."

Looking away from the TV and toward me, Embry smiled. "I know."

Leaving it at that, I turned back and made my way down the short hallway, sitting my suitcase down outside the bathroom. Once I was safely inside, I turned the sink to wash up before bed. As I let the water warm, I surveyed the countertop. Everything was exactly where it was supposed to be. Jacob's razor and cologne were pushed up against the wall, the cap to the bottle a few inches away from it. Billy's hairbrush lay next to the plastic cup containing his and Jacob's toothbrushes, which rested to the left of the faucet. I shivered when I saw the third toothbrush, the white and blue one – _my_ toothbrush for when I stayed over – sitting in the same cup next to theirs. It was like nothing had changed and today was simply another day like all the others before.

Closing my eyes and taking a deep breath, I reached for the headband I knew I kept in the second drawer on the left so I could pull my hair back to wash my face.

The sooner I made it through this night, the better.

Once I was finished, I left the bathroom and shut off the light, deciding to return to the kitchen. As I emerged from the hallway and rounded the corner toward the kitchen, I noticed the lights in the living room had been turned off and Embry was sprawled on his back across the couch, watching television. If he heard me, he didn't acknowledge my presence. Once I was in the kitchen, I quietly retrieved a coffee mug from the cupboard next to the sink and filled it with water before completing the steps to make myself a cup of tea.

On my way back down the hallway, I could hear Embry snoring lightly from his spot on the couch. I couldn't help but smile, once again appreciative that he'd gone the extra step to simply be there for me through the mere offering of his presence, leaving the decision in my hands should I choose to need it.

Taking a deep breath, my mug of tea in one hand, I landed in front of Jacob's bedroom door. It was closed, and I was surprised how heavy my hand felt as I reached for the doorknob. Frowning, I let my fingers brush the cool metal as they closed around it.

They closed, but my hand refused to move.

_Turn the knob, Bella. That's all you have to do._

I tried coaxing myself into it. I tried rationalizing as I stood there, preparing myself to enter a room that was entirely and overwhelmingly filled with Jacob. The truth was, though, no amount of bargaining would make me ready for this, ready to sleep in Jacob's bed _by myself_ , surrounded by his things, surrounded by his scent and his intangible presence. Not right now. Maybe not _ever_.

_But it's a step, Bella._

While it may have been a step, it was one that couldn't come until I'd taken several more before it. It was too much, and I didn't want to undo the minute bit of progress I'd made the past several days.

Defeated, I let my fingers fall from the knob before turning and shutting myself in the spare room.


	10. Figure Me Out

_**Suggested Listening: "Destiny" by Zero 7, "Endless Melody" by Clarensau, "Falling or Flying" by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals, "Bluebird" by Christina Perri** _

" _So what about that guy? What do you think his story is?"_

_Stretching to see over both my toes and the dashboard of Jacob's Rabbit, I looked in the general direction he was pointing. About fifty yards away down La Push's tourist beach was a man walking aimlessly through the sand. He stuck out like a sore thumb against the native landscape, a black fedora resting over long, greasy hair that grazed his shoulders. His hat didn't match the rest of him as he donned a multi-colored Hawaiian print t-shirt and olive green cargo shorts. In his hands rested a book, one he thoroughly was engrossed in as he meandered down the beach, barely noticing the others drifting by him._

_My face wrinkled in concentration as I tried to come up with a good response. Beside me, perched haphazardly in the driver's seat with one leg propped on the door and dangling through the open window, Jacob's grin nearly reached his ears in anticipation._

_It was a lazy Sunday afternoon in La Push and we'd parked the car in the gravel parking lot just adjacent to the tourist beach. Jake made sure to position the Rabbit so we could see the numerous visitors spending their own day on La Push's most well-maintained beach._

_We'd taken advantage of the parted clouds and fled to the beach as soon as thirty minutes elapsed without rain. The evidence we'd been there for a few hours was clear. Both doors were flung open, letting the moist yet warm breeze infiltrate the entire car. Jake had one arm propped on the small picnic basket tucked between our seats and I relaxed with my feet on the dashboard, my own book resting unread on my lap._

_Cocking one eyebrow, I scoffed. "I think that guy got lost on his way to Hawaii." I looked back down at my book. "Maybe Rebecca knows him. We should call her."_

_Jacob groaned from beside me. "Jeez, Bells, really? That's the best you could come up with? You're miserable at this game."_

_We'd been people-watching for the better part of an hour and had taken to playing our usual game when we did it, trying to imagine back-stories and chronicling the lives of those who so clearly were only visitors to our little peninsula. We never took it seriously, and most of the tourists usually ended up being sociopathic graduate students here to research the biological makeup of indigenous mold species in the Pacific Northwest for their dissertation or — Jake and Quil's particular favorite — divorced, middle-aged librarians coming to reclaim their sexual worth by taking advantage of a Quileute boy._

_I sighed, leaning my head against the back of the seat and turning my head to look at Jake. It had only been a few months, but it continued to amaze me the feelings just looking at him invoked. My stomach fluttered rapidly as he peered back, smiling at me in return._

" _Okay, fine," I protested, fighting the grin wanting to erupt from my lips. Turning back, I studied the fedora-wearing man for a couple more seconds. "How about this? He's a hipster from New York City who's decided living another day is just too mainstream for him, so he's decided to spend his final days here, walking the beaches, reading Sylvia Plath and trying to find the only way to die that's never been done before." Glancing at Jacob again, I raised my eyebrows. He stared back at me, warmth dancing in his eyes and a smile pulling at the corner of his lips._

_Suddenly, he let out a chuckle as he leaned forward, taking my chin between his thumb and forefinger. "Brilliant," he laughed as he leaned in, pressing his lips to mine gently before pulling away a few inches. "Hey, Bells?"_

" _Hmm?" I stared into his dark eyes as he leaned back, resting his own head against the back of his seat._

" _You're crazy."_

_I laughed as I watched said Sylvia Plath-reading hipster disappear from our line of site. "Tell me something I don't know, Jacob Black."_

" _Something you don't know? Hmm..." His voice drifted off as he flipped open the picnic basket lid and dug through it, finally emerging with what was destined to be his fourth sandwich in the time we'd been sitting there. As he unwrapped it from the cellophane, he reached up and retrieved his soda can, taking a swig of it before placing it back on the dash behind the steering wheel. "I'm deathly afraid of spiders."_

" _No, you're not!" I cried out, barely looking up from my book._

" _No, I kinda am actually," he chuckled matter-of-factly and took a huge bite of his sandwich, wagging his eyebrows in my direction as he chewed. "The really big, hairy ones? Yeah – they make me scream like a little girl."_

" _Now there's something I'd like to see."_

" _It'll never happen." Jacob took another bite of his sandwich and grinned at me. "So tell me something_ I _don't know, Bella Swan."_

_Letting out a small chuckle, I marked the page in my book before closing it on my lap. "My first kiss was in the third grade."_

_Jake's eyebrows rose as he peered at me from his spot in the driver's seat. "Really? Who was the lucky guy?"_

" _Timmy Anderson," I replied, recalling it plain as day. "If I remember correctly, I slapped him in the face before it was over." At the sound of Jacob's erupting laughter beside me, I smiled and peered out toward the vast expanse of ocean in the distance. "Your turn."_

_I heard Jake sigh next to me. "I hate asparagus."_

" _I hate Brussels sprouts."_

" _Everyone hates Brussels sprouts, Bells."_

" _True," I quipped, taking a drink of my own warm soda. "It's still your turn, though."_

_Jake was quiet next to me as I sipped my soda, gingerly placing it back on the dashboard next to my feet. When I realized he wasn't responding, I frowned and looked at him purposefully._

_The expression on his face startled me. Although his head hadn't moved, he was still leaning against the back of his seat, his face cocked at a slight angle. A deep warmth had spread across his features and his lips were still curled up in a thin smile. Beyond that, his eyes were dancing with a fierce adoration and contentment as he studied my face._

_I felt myself blush under his intense stare and had to look away for a moment before meeting his gaze once again. "Jake, it's your turn," I whispered._

_Jacob's smile never left his mouth, even as he let it fall open slightly._

" _I love you, Bells."_

_My breath hitched at the small revelation falling from his lips. "Wh...what?" I stammered, gawking at him stupidly._

_Jacob didn't move a muscle as he spoke again. "I'm in love with you, Bella."_

_I couldn't help the smile spreading across my lips as I took in each word and the meaning they carried. Somehow, I wasn't surprised by his confession, yet hearing him say it out loud for the very first time sent waves of joy and happiness coursing through my body. Letting my head fall back, I found myself staring at him as I felt and savored every emotion I saw in his eyes as they passed through my veins. My hand stretched out on its own accord and my palm found a home on his cheek, my thumb gingerly brushing the stubble lining his jaw._

_Suddenly, something flickered in Jacob's eyes. Doubt? Fear? I couldn't tell. After several long moments, he ripped his stare away from mine, letting it fall to the picnic basket resting between us. "This is usually the point where you say it back, Bells...or at least say something," he murmured awkwardly, suddenly unsure of himself._

_I chuckled, which caused Jacob's eyes to snap up and meet mine once again. He looked taken aback, but I tried smiling to ease his worry. "Jacob," I whispered, leaning closer to him as my hand traveled to the nape of his neck, gently pulling his body closer to me. He didn't protest, and I could feel his hot breath on my face as leaned in. Smiling one last time, I let my lips slowly brush his, kissing him softly until I felt his muscles relax and the apprehension quickly fade away._

_Our smiles mirrored one another's as we pulled away. His quickly fell lopsided and his eyes darted down and met mine once again. "You still didn't say it back," he murmured._

_I sighed and gently ran my fingers through the short strands of hair on the back of his head. Stretching across the expanse between us, I landed a soft kiss on the tip of his nose before letting my forehead rest against his._

" _Jake, the game's telling each other stuff we_ don't _know," I whispered. "I already knew that. And you already know that I love you, too."_

With a start, I sat bolt upright in bed as the aftershock from a large clap of thunder practically shook the house on its foundation. Gasping to catch my breath, I looked around the foreign room in bewilderment, trying to catch my bearings and remember where I was. This wasn't my bed, and this certainly wasn't the room in which I was used to waking up.

As my eyes adjusted to the barely-there morning light trying to work its way through the window in lieu of the impending storm outside, it came back to me exactly where I was and where I had been for the past week.

Finally managing to suck in a deep breath, I shakily let it out and reached up to brush a few unruly strands of hair from my face. As I did, I realized my hands were trembling. Concentrating on taking another breath, I rested my palm on my cheek in an effort to curb the shaking. It wasn't until then I felt the profuse moisture lining the skin of my face.

I wasn't sure when and why the dreams started. In the first several days following Jake's disappearance, I was lucky my sleep was lacking both nightmares and dreams. But recently, since deciding to stay in his house, the dreams were fierce and relentless. Sometimes they were nothing – sometimes they were just sounds, feelings, out-of-focus realities plagued with distorted images.

But sometimes they weren't so obscure. Sometimes they were completely clear, echoing real-life moments of my life or, more prevalently, my life with Jacob.

The trembling refused to subside as I thought back to the dream from which I'd just awoken. The images were seared in my conscious mind now and the feelings were equally present. I remembered the happiness, the simple contentment I'd felt in that moment, the very second Jacob first told me he was _in_ love with me. I knew he was – he always had been – but to hear it from his mouth, laced with the commitment and adoration in the way he said it, it had been so final in the best possible way.

_Or at least that's what I thought._

As another rumble of thunder bounced off the little red house, I forcefully wiped the moisture from my cheeks, trying with all my might to push down the familiar ache threatening to break free.

_People break promises, Bella. They do it all the time._

_Even the people we thought never would._

I was so tired of the tears, so tired of the pain. I'd let myself grieve and despite my resolve against hiding, I was at the absolute end of my emotional rope. Getting through each day in Jacob's house was like slowly dripping rubbing alcohol into an open, festering wound – it was agonizing.

I'd lost count of the number of times I'd repacked my suitcase in the past week, convinced I couldn't stay there a second longer. Each time I'd make it as far as the front door before I was crippled by what-ifs. What if I left and Jacob decided to come home? What if he showed up the second my truck was out of sight down the road? What if he thought I didn't care?

After my brain processed all the ridiculously unlikely scenarios, my feet would grow roots and I'd find myself unable to move. I'd squeeze my eyes shut and focus on taking deep breaths, one after another. After a few moments passed, I'd catch myself turning around and retreating back to the spare bedroom to once again unpack my suitcase and wait until the next time it all became too much.

Meanwhile, I kept my thoughts off fleeing and my time occupied with boring, mundane chores like cleaning. Today was no exception. Once I'd managed to ease my trembling and my heart rate from the disturbingly realistic dream I'd had the night before, I got out of bed, put on some old clothes and threw myself back into my mission in making sure every nook and every cranny of the Black house was spotless. It was a bigger task than I'd anticipated. Although Jacob and Billy kept the house presentable, I'd come to the conclusion they hadn't done more than spot clean in the better part of eight years, not to mention actually move any furniture when they swept.

I worked straight through lunch, my hands and knees glued to the kitchen floor as I scrubbed away years of grime, dirt and other disgusting substances from the wood surface. No matter how hard I scrubbed, I knew I couldn't wash away the fact that eventually I'd run out of things to keep me busy and I'd have to find a new way to dull the ache in my chest.

It wasn't until I could feel my fingers becoming raw from the harsh cleaners I was using that I decided to call it quits. With a sigh, I dropped the scrub brush in the grimy water and lugged it outside and down the front porch steps, fat raindrops pelting my face as I positioned the bucket firmly on the ground. Staring at it for a moment, I gave it a swift kick, watching the murky water spread across the soil and mix with the crystal clear puddles on the ground. Once the bucket was empty, I sighed, picking it up and setting it on the edge of the porch on my way back in before retreating inside to shower and clean the dirt and chemicals from my body.

After my shower and coming to the realization there was nothing else in the house I could possibly clean that day, I found myself wandering aimlessly back out to the front porch. The storm from earlier had completely passed and while the cloud cover was still low and ominous, the rain had let up for now.

Leaning against the railing, I let my eyes wander across the landscape, wondering what I could do to occupy the rest of my day. Not staying busy wasn't an option. Visiting Charlie would have been a good idea – I hadn't seen him in a few days – but checking my watch, I realized it was only 2 p.m. He'd be working for at least the next three hours.

Just as I thought about calling Emily to see what she was up to, I heard a distant yet loud clanging coming the opposite side of the house. Frowning, I tentatively descended the steps and walked the few feet till I could peer around the porch toward the source of the noise.

It was coming from the garage.

My stomach twisted into a dozen tiny knots as I wrapped my hooded sweatshirt tighter around my body, and I suddenly found myself pulled toward the garage. A larger part of me knew it probably was just one of the pack here to grab something, but there was a smaller part – the one propelling me across the muddy lawn, barely missing the murky puddles dotting the landscape – that had my mind weighing yet another _what-if_.

I was almost running by the time I reached the open garage door, not even hesitating to see who was inside before I barreled through it, skidding to a stop as a plume of dust erupted under my shoes. When I didn't see Jacob standing at his workbench, my heart dropped for a split second, only to resurface when Embry threw a look over his shoulder, a grin splayed wide across his face.

"Hey, Bella."

I crossed my arms in front of me, pinning my sweatshirt shut. "What the hell are you doing out here?" As I spoke the curiosity-filled question, which also was laced with a slight disappointment, I realized it was the first time I'd been in the garage since the night Billy died.

 _Damn it_ , I swore to myself as the routine ache struggled to reappear. I took a deep breath and forced the gigantic lump down my throat. Being out here was almost too much and I could feel the invisible pain of the familiar begin to smother me.

Embry picked up some kind of tool I had no name for before dropping it into a rusty toolbox sitting near the end of the workbench. "I probably shoulda came up to the house first, huh?" he asked, more to himself than me as he crouched down and started going through all the contraptions on the bottom shelf of the work bench. "Sorry if I startled you." As I watched him, I noticed his hands were already lined with motor oil and dust from sifting through the tools.

"It's okay," I murmured honestly, earning a hesitant look from Embry as he stood, a couple more tools in his hands. The truth was inwardly I was thankful for his unannounced arrival, solving the problem of what would keep my mind off things for the rest of the day. Whatever he was planning to do, I silently hoped he'd ask me to join.

Once the tools safely were in the box, Embry wiped his hands off on his tattered pair of jeans, leaving dark smudges behind on the fabric.

"Good," he said with a soft smile before he turned and leaned against the workbench, crossing his arms in front of him. "So I was thinking..." He cocked one eyebrow and nodded in the direction of the Ranger, which still sat in the corner of the garage covered with a tarp. "I'm still short one working truck."

"Okay..." I replied, following his gaze, uncertain what he was implying.

"So, like I said, I was thinking," he repeated, turning back toward the workbench and assessing the contents of the toolbox before reaching out with two thick fingers and flicking the lid shut with a loud bang. "I'd really like to get it running, and could really use some help." His eyebrow went up again as he looked at me.

My mouth fell open slightly at his suggestion. "You want _me_ to help you fix the truck?"

While I was looking for a welcome distraction, something about the request didn't seem right. It seemed glaringly familiar and warmed a part of me I hadn't felt in a really long time. My mind instantly floated back to almost two years ago, to me, as broken as I was right now, showing up practically on Jacob's doorstep pleading with him to take on a similar task.

Was that what Embry was trying to do? Was he trying to recreate for me what Jacob had done when Edward left? I found myself shaking my head. Something about our tradition seemed sacred. It didn't feel right to share it with someone else, regardless of the circumstances.

"I can't help you fix the truck," I murmured before Embry had a chance to reply.

Embry's eyebrows rose as he gawked at me, shoving one hand in his pocket as he picked up the toolbox. "No one's asking you to, Bells." Although his face was trained on the ground, his eyes followed me as he stepped away from the workbench and crossed the dusty garage floor to the tarp-covered pickup.

"Oh." I suddenly felt stupid as my own gaze fell to the ground.

The sound of tarp being removed from the truck was enough to bring me out of my reverie with the dirt and rocks on the garage floor. I turned my head in time to see Embry bunch the tarp up in a ball and toss it on the tattered couch sitting along the garage wall. When he was done, he stooped and picked up the toolbox, effortlessly swinging it into the truck bed with a clatter.

The silence suddenly felt awkward and unnatural. "So you're just going to fix it by yourself then?"

Embry's lips threatened to crack into a smile. "Nope."

"Who's gonna help you?"

"Probably Quil," Embry replied as he swung the door open and plopped into the driver's seat, hurriedly rolling down the window with the manual crank. When he was done, he reached over his shoulder and slid open the rear cab window. "I do need your help for one thing though. Whether you stick around after that is up to you, I guess."

I shot him a pensive frown. "Okay...?"

Embry hopped out of the truck and left the door gaping wide open behind him as he exited. "I need your help getting it out of here." With a wag of his eyebrows, he looked at the disabled truck before turning his eyes toward me, the smile still trying to fight its way out from behind his feigned sincerity.

"You mean, you're not going to finish it here?"

The smile immediately melted from Embry's lips as he shook his head, a wave of something flashing across his face. I couldn't place the emotion, but it strongly resembled how I'd felt when I thought he was going to ask me help him fix it.

"So how exactly am I going to help you get it out of here?" I retorted, an involuntary chuckle leaving me as I did.

The hesitant expression dissipated completely as a grin exploded over Embry's face at my question. "Do you have everything you need from the house?"

Instinctively, I felt my jeans pocket and located my phone. I couldn't think of anything else I'd need, so I simply nodded in response. Rubbing his hands together in anticipation, Embry motioned toward the open driver's side door. "Bella Swan, your chariot awaits."

Begrudgingly yet still incredibly curious, I took a few steps toward the truck, followed by a few more until I reached the hood. Reaching out my hand, I let my outstretched fingers brush across the faded paint as I approached the open door. I watched Embry uncertainly as he watched me, the smile still lingering on his lips.

After a few moments, it became clear he was getting impatient with how long it was taking me to jump on board his mystery idea. "Jeez, Bells, I promise we're not taking it to another bowling alley."

"Em," I said slowly, pausing before I continued. "It doesn't run." I glared at him stupidly. "How am I supposed to drive it wherever it is you plan on taking it?"

Rolling his eyes, Embry reached around the open door and grabbed my hand, gently pulling me to the other side. "Bella. Stop asking so many questions and get in the damn truck." He gave me one last expectant look before retreating to the rear of the truck. As I heard him messing with the open tailgate, I let out a resigned sigh and slid into the driver's seat, taking a second to adjust myself and get a feel for the strange seat.

This truck felt different. Even the steering wheel felt foreign under my hands. Everything was so _small_ compared to my truck.

"Hey, Em?"

"Hmm?"

"I was thinking maybe we should switch trucks when you get this one all fixed up. This one seems like it might be to small for you."

I heard Embry scoff from his spot several feet away. "Thanks, Bells, but I want a truck that doesn't max out at 50 mph."

"Hey! Don't hate on my truck."

"I wouldn't dream of it," Embry chuckled. "And plus – you'd really give up that old thing? I thought you loved that truck."

As much as it pained me to admit it, I did have a soft spot for the rusty tin wagon. Even if it wasn't easy on the eyes and I couldn't drive it on the interstate for fear of being run over by semis, Embry was right – there was no way I could ever part with it. I was positive I'd be driving it till it sputtered its last exhaust-filled breath.

No one could have ever convinced me how much I'd love it the day Billy and Jacob...

_No._

Shaking my head, I quickly switched my train of thought and focused on the task before me. "I do love it," I called out quietly, rubbing my palms along the cool vinyl lining to get a feel for the Ranger's steering wheel. "Pretty sure you'd have to pry the keys out of my cold, dead fingers."

"Good thing there's no way that truck is going to outlive any of us then, huh?"

I grinned, reaching up and adjusting the rear view mirror until I could see Embry standing behind the truck, his warm smile meeting my eyes as soon as the mirror was in the correct place. "Alright – so what are we doing?"

I heard Embry chuckle softly. "First, put your foot on the brake and shift the truck into neutral."

Pressing my foot hard on the brake pedal, I did as he said. "Okay, now what?" I called back to him, my fingers curling around the steering wheel once more.

"Okay, since the truck won't be running, the power steering isn't going to work so you're going to have to _really_ turn the wheel to get this baby out of here. Got it?"

Sneaking a glance over my shoulder, I noticed Embry was poised behind the truck, one hand forcefully gripping the tailgate and the other positioned lower, likely on the bumper. He was gaping at me expectantly, one eyebrow raised. Looking in front of me and back at him once more, I shot him a confused glance as it dawned on me. "Embry – are you gonna _push_ the truck wherever it is we're going?"

Chuckling again, I saw as Embry playfully rolled his eyes. "Took you long enough to figure it out, Bells." He let one hand leave the truck and pointed it toward the wide-open garage door. "You ready?"

Sighing, I turned back to face the front and gripped the wheel once more. "Ready."

The moment I heard a grunt from behind the truck, I let my foot off the brake and it started to roll forward at a speed quicker than I was expecting. It took only another moment for the smile to creep back to my lips as I softly shook my head, realizing my doubt in him had been misplaced. Of course it would be no problem for Embry to push the truck out of here. For the pack members and their well-hidden strength, a task like this was a piece of cake.

"Bella, turn the wheel!"

Snapping out of my daydream and seeing we quickly were approaching the point where we'd have to back up and try again, I grabbed the wheel and cranked it to the left with all my might. I let my right hand grip the underside of the steering wheel, pulling at it forcefully before my other arm crossed over my right to continue the motion. Little by little, the truck turned and I watched as its nose crept through the garage door, the passenger side fender barely clearing the wooden frame. I breathed a sigh of relief as the truck effortlessly rolled the rest of the way through the garage's entrance.

"Turn right, Bells! Toward the road!"

I looked behind me through the open cab window to still see Embry positioned at the back of the truck, his face wrinkled in fierce concentration. I scoffed. "On the road? Are you serious?"

"How else do you suggest we get there? Through the forest?"

Rolling my eyes, I chuckled. "Good point, but still – we're gonna get run over, you know that, right?"

"Nah. Last time I checked, heavy traffic wasn't really a problem on this rez, Bells."

"But what if a semi or a logging truck or something..."

"Bella! Relax. If something like that does come along, I'll hear it in plenty of time for us to pull over on the side of the road, okay?"

As the truck meandered on to the main road in front of the house, I snuck a peek over my shoulder again to see — despite his concentrated effort to keep the truck moving — Embry giving me an entertained and reassuring smile. It was the look in his eyes, though, that sent a shiver down my spine. His eyes – the emotion in them – reminded me exactly of the way Jacob would look at me when I was being ridiculous, when I was overthinking something to which he'd never give a second thought.

For a moment, I found myself unable to look away.

After several long seconds, I closed my eyes to break the hold, which easily allowed me to turn back to face the road. I felt unsettled, although I couldn't even begin to fathom why.

"I got this, Bells," Embry called out once I was no longer looking at him, unfazed by my reaction. "We got this, okay?"

Looking out ahead of me, I nodded, hoping he'd see it as I watched the road stretch out in a straight line for a couple hundred feet. With a sigh, I let one hand fall from the steering wheel into my lap while the other kept a relaxed grip on it just in case the truck started to veer off course. Leaning toward the open window, I called back to Embry. "So where exactly are we going?"

"Sam and Emily's," Embry replied, his voice coming out labored. Werewolf or not, the fact he singlehandedly was pushing 3,000 pounds of truck down the deserted road was starting to affect him. "They have that big covered carport where Emily keeps her car, but there's all kinds of room under it that's just going to waste."

"Wouldn't it have just been easier to keep it where it was? I mean, everything you needed was right there."

I heard Embry scoff. "Yeah, because you looked pretty thrilled with that idea, Bells. Be honest – would you have even set foot out there if I did?"

Leaning my elbow against the door and propping my forehead against my hand, I watched the trees slowly creep by. "Probably not."

"Exactly," I heard Embry mutter. "At least this way we can get you out of the house for awhile to get your mind off things, if that's what you want. I really wouldn't consider that garage 'out of the house.' It's probably worse than actually being in the house – at least I'm willing to bet it is."

My stomach knotted at the accuracy of his words. It was like he was pulling each one from my subconscious and repeating them out loud to make sure I fully understood the reason he was doing what he was doing, why he was pushing the disabled truck the mile and a half to Sam and Emily's house.

"It is," I murmured, knowing he would hear me. As we approached the bend in the road, I brought both hands back up to the steering wheel, preparing to round it as Embry continued to push the truck. "But it scares the hell out of me to leave, though. I feel like if I leave I'll miss something – I'll miss _him_ if he comes home." My eyes fell when the words left my mouth, slightly embarrassed to hear myself speak them.

"Bella, you can't stay holed up in that house forever. You just can't. It's bad enough you're staying there, even though your reasons are...noble, at the very least. You gotta get out every now and then. Who knows? Maybe doing this you'll see it might actually feel good to get out and have other people around, you know? It might make it easier to go back to the house and to get through each day after that."

I shook my head, partly out of disappointment in myself and partly out of amazement at this person giving me advice. Embry knew separating me from the memories would also separate me from the pain, if only by a fraction. He understood that even a little bit of space held the potential of giving me the strength to get through the rough spots, something I definitely was having trouble figuring out myself.

The disappointing part was I knew it, too. The amazing part was Embry had found a way to get me to act on it without actually realizing I had.

"Embry, is that why Sam agreed to letting me stay at the house? To have others around me?"

Embry hesitated before answering. "I think that was a big part of it. He knew it wouldn't be easy on you and he didn't think it was the best idea, but he knew you'd be closer to us that way. I think he thought it would be easier to look out for you if you were here, too."

I should have been offended. I should have been insulted by the fact Sam allowed me to stay at the house so he and the pack could "babysit" me, but I knew that wasn't the intent behind Sam's reasoning. He wanted himself, Emily and the pack to be closer to me should I need them and inwardly, I respected and appreciated him for it.

"Bella, turn the wheel!"

With a shake of my head, I was jostled from my thoughts by Embry's frantic reminder. I regained my vision to see us heading straight for the road's embankment instead of following the road's natural curve. With a start, I cranked the wheel to my right, letting out a cry of determination as it fought back despite the truck was slowly starting to follow the pavement.

"Typical woman driver," I heard Embry let out a teasing laugh through the open cab window as he continued to push us down the next stretch of road.

"Shut up." I muttered through my clenched teeth, despite the good-natured smile taking up residence on my lips.

"Hey, if you weren't sitting up there overthinking everything we just talked about, we wouldn't have almost rolled straight off the road now, huh?"

I felt a laugh leave my throat as I reached behind me, threatening the close the cab window although I had no intentions of actually doing it. "I said shut up."

"Tell me I'm wrong."

My silence confirmed he had not, in fact, been wrong. I heard him chuckle as we continued to roll toward our seemingly impossible finish line. "That's what I thought." His murmur traveled from the back and made its way into the truck's cab, but I let it slide. I'd let him have his victory – it was the least I could do for him at this point.

Sighing again, I turned back to keep my eyes on the road.

"Embry Call, it kind of scares me how well you have me figured out."

"Scares you?"

"You know what I mean. You know me better than I thought you did. When did you get so damn perceptive?"

If a sigh or anything of that nature followed my question, I wasn't close enough to hear it amid the crunching of the earth beneath the slowly turning truck tires.

"When things change that don't give me much of a choice, Bells."


	11. Ripple Effect

**_Suggested Listening: "Interlude" by Christina Perri, "Done All Wrong" by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, "Run" by Snow Patrol_ **

**EMBRY POV**

"Dammit, we don't have the right tool for this!"

With a sigh of frustration, I tossed the socket wrench in my hand back into the toolbox with a loud clatter, jumping when the force behind the throw caused the lid to slam shut with a bang. On the other side of the truck's open hood, Quil was frozen in place over the guts of the engine. His fingers were no longer finishing their task replacing the truck's fried oxygen sensor. Instead, his eyes were wide and his mouth slightly open as he gaped at me.

"Woah, dude. Take it easy. What did the wrench ever do to you?"

Leaning forward so my forearms were resting on the side of the hood, I peered into the expanse of unfinished work we had left to do on the truck. It seemed impossible we'd ever get it all done. Quil and I had a decent handle on what it took to make a vehicle run again, but the progress we'd made since moving the truck had been minimal at best. To be completely honest, we just didn't have the necessary instinct, the ability to know exactly what was wrong just by looking at a defective part. The trial and error we had to go through was maddening, at the very least.

But we also didn't have much of a choice. We were missing that one key component, the one mind we needed to make this an effortless and successful operation.

_Yeah, and God knows he's not planning to come back anytime soon..._

Rubbing my eyes with the heels of my hands, I tried refocusing on what Quil was doing. "You almost done with that?"

"Just about..." He clumsily maneuvered his fat fingers in between the narrow spaces as he secured the last part of the new oxygen sensor in place. "There." He raised his hands up and nodded toward the engine. "See? It's not all bad. We got one thing done today, so we're good. She'll be running in no time, Em. No need to get your panties in a twist."

I pretended I'd missed his snide comment as I bent down and scooped up the toolbox from its spot on the ground, sitting it carefully on top of the engine. "So did we decide we need a new alternator, too?"

"Yup."

"Did we already get that?"

Quil's brows furrowed in thought as he walked to the patio table we'd hijacked off Emily's back porch to use as a workbench, which now was pushed against the very outside edge of the carport. It was lined with tools, shop towels, and a good mix of old, non-working parts, as well as grungy, yet still operational ones we'd salvaged from the junkyard. He picked up one of the towels and wiped his hands on it. "No, at least I don't think so."

"How much does one of those cost?"

"About 150 bucks."

"Are you serious?" I gawked at Quil as I wiped my own hands on my already stained t-shirt.

"I wouldn't shit you, Call. You're my favorite turd."

"Dude..."

Quil's eyebrows wagged and I couldn't help but chuckle as he threw the towel back down on the table. As the sound died in the air, the frustration again started to pull at my insides. I knew I didn't really think it through before I hauled the car over here. I had my reasons, but I also wasn't anticipating how I'd probably done the project itself more harm than good.

_Oh, well. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do._

"Why so blue, panda bear?"

Rolling my eyes at the fact Quil clearly watched too much television and commercials in his spare time, I sighed again. "We don't have everything we need. This would just be easier if...if..."

"If we took it back to Jake's?" Quil finished my sentence, cocking an eyebrow as he crossed his arms in front of his chest, leaning against the truck's passenger side quarter panel as he did.

I nodded as yet another loud sigh fell from my chest. I let it slide. Someone once told me sighs were a way of releasing stress from your body. If that really was the case, it was a wonder I wasn't sighing after every other breath these days. I wasn't certain how it was even possible for life to go from so routine and so boring to complete chaos in a matter of hours. I wasn't sure how any of us were really supposed to handle standing there, watching what happened in those hours snowball into weeks of sadness, upheaval and stupid decisions.

_Speaking of stupid decisions..._

Jake was my best friend. He'd been my best friend as long as I could remember. In fact, there wasn't a single portion of my life where I could recall Jake not being there. The time we spent as friends was full of stupid mistakes. One that especially stuck out in my mind was the time he and I (and Quil) decided to loiter outside the rez gas station when we were 14, looking for a willing and unsuspecting person to buy us beer. We found that person and, after he struck up a conversation with us, we stupidly revealed our plans to him for the night. Needless to say, we shouldn't have been surprised when Harry Clearwater showed up on the cliffs that night to crash our little party and take us all home to Jake's. We also shouldn't have been surprised when Billy woke us out of our drunken stupor the next morning at 6 a.m. and had us run laps around the house until all three of us were puking our guts out. The month we all were grounded after that only added insult to injury.

We had a track record of reckless, stupid mistakes. We were male. It was in our genes. This fact wasn't hard to argue.

But from everything I could remember, the mistakes never involved decisions that hurt others. They never included choices that did more than help us feel like idiots the next day or, at worst, hours later.

Until now.

For the first time in almost 18 years of life, one of us made a choice that didn't just affect him. It wasn't just about his well-being. Instead, the ripples from this one affected every single person in his life. It affected every relationship, every responsibility and every promise he'd ever made.

As a pack, we noticed Jake's absence immediately. The eight of us were a team, a family. We were linked together not only by our thoughts but the blood running through us and the bond shared by our wolves. Since he disappeared, there was only one instance we'd all phased at the same time and the hole caused by his absence hit us all like a brick wall. A link in the chain was missing and it threw everyone off, regardless of whether they admitted it or not.

They didn't have to admit it, though. It was there for us all to see, mostly in the moments they let their guard down while phased and the rest of us caught flashes of each other's anxieties and worry. And it wasn't just Quil and me. It was every single one of us.

If Sam was worried or scared Jake wasn't ever coming back, he didn't let on. He also didn't speculate if he thought Jake would come home. As always, Sam was constant and steadfast. He didn't want to give any of us false hope but he also didn't want to crush our spirits if it absolutely wasn't necessary. It was funny and a little ironic how sometimes it took situations like Jake leaving for us to see how strong a leader Sam was.

Little by little, as the days passed, Quil's optimism faded. He still acted like himself, but he rarely talked about Jake anymore. Seth still didn't say much either when he was around, Paul was a little more irritable than normal and Leah was still her regular bitchy self. The one time I was stuck on patrol with her following Jake's disappearance, it took everything inside me not to go for her jugular when she started droning on about Jake being "a coward" and needing to man up and come home so we didn't have to watch Bella play the "crazy damsel in distress" anymore. The only thing that stopped me was when Leah mentally sighed and concluded her rant with only one sentence – one sentence that, for the millionth time, summed up her misplaced hostility – before shutting up.

" _At least Jake had the decency to leave after he fucked her over."_

Me? I tried not to think about it.

I spent most days doing everything in my power not to think about how the closest person to a brother I had jumped ship during a time he should have stepped up or, at the very least, leaned on those around him who had seen him through stupid mistakes before. I tried not to dwell on the fact he did it days after he lost his father, a man who possibly could have been _my_ father and, despite never knowing for sure, was someone I'd always viewed as a father figure in my life.

I was almost positive I could hate Jake if I really wanted to, and I was pretty sure I could agree with Leah about him being a coward if I stopped and thought long and hard about it, if I really gave myself a second to consider it and process how everything happening was affecting _me_.

But I didn't give myself a second. Right now, it wasn't a luxury I had. I didn't linger on how I felt or what I thought.

Why? There were bigger things to worry about right now because other people were hurting. There were others who needed support more than me.

Two weeks had passed since Bella and I brought the truck to Emily and Sam's. On that particular day, she hadn't stuck around long outside after I backed it up – still pushing it – into the carport and laid out the tools I needed to get started. I hadn't really expected her to, though, and I wasn't offended when, after a few minutes, she wandered into the house and ended up spending the rest of the afternoon and early evening helping Emily bake bread for the coming week. As far as I was concerned, my idea worked. I got her out of that house and got her here, got her to a place where she could be surrounded by people who cared about her. That way she'd remember life still went on, even though Jake wasn't around anymore to be a part of it.

It was something he taught her once and something I didn't want her to forget.

When I first met Bella two years ago in Jake's garage, I'd seen firsthand the potential something like this had to destroy her. She was an empty shell back then, barely a shadow of herself. But, little by little, I also watched as Jake brought her back to a better, brighter version of the person she was before. It was a life she didn't want to go back to, a life _he_ didn't want her to go back to.

As she and Jake grew closer, as their relationship matured, so did her bond with the rest of us. The more she came around, the more rooted she was in Jake's life and the more she turned into part of our pack family. It wasn't like the bond that tied Emily and Kim to the pack – there was no imprint here – but that fact didn't make the love they shared any less valid or any less real in our eyes. During the time they spent together, she'd become a great friend to rest of us and we'd all grown to care about her as one.

I had told her as much the night Billy died. I told her we cared about her. It was the reason I'd been there for her that night and it was the reason I was here for her now, refusing to let her slip back into that dark place she was when we first met her. Even though Jake left, _we_ were still here and _we_ weren't going anywhere. We wouldn't let her be that person Sam found curled up on the forest floor, an image seared into all our minds whether we liked it or not. She had to know we'd honor her and continue to honor what she and Jake had by taking care of her, even though he hadn't stuck around to hold up his end of the deal.

I knew my mission. I knew what my job was and I never questioned it. It was this helping to keep my anxiety at bay and the thoughts of anger pushed aside.

"You still haven't gotten that piece of shit to run yet?"

Paul's snide voice jarred me from my thoughts as he and Sam approached the carport. The two of them were just getting back from their patrol, which meant it had to be close to dinnertime.

"Well, maybe if you picked up a wrench from time to time and – oh, I don't know – actually helped instead of just stood there, we'd get it done a little faster."

Paul scoffed at my remark and crossed his arms tightly in front of his chest and he and Sam stopped in front of the carport's entrance. "Nah, man, you know car's aren't my thing."

Shaking my head, I glanced at Quil. "Done for now?"

He nodded in agreement, waiting as I removed the toolbox from its spot on the engine before he released the hood and let it close with a loud bang. Wiping my hands one last time on my shirt, we both turned toward Sam and Paul.

"So...anything?" I asked tentatively.

Sam shook his head. "We didn't pick up any new trails, vampire or Jacob."

I gave him a bland nod as Quil and I exchanged a look, one conveying the same thing from both of us. Sam's words didn't really come as a surprise. Despite what Bella may have thought, we never did give up looking for Jake — not even for a second — when we were phased. Each time we phased or two of us were patrolling, it became routine to check for Jake's scent as we ran the perimeter around the reservation and into Forks. Most of us held out a small bit of hope that even if he wasn't ready to come back, there was a chance he'd venture home to at least check on things and make sure everyone was okay.

But Jake wasn't stupid. He knew better, and so long as he didn't want to be found, he was smart enough to not come sniffing around home. He knew we'd pick up his scent the second he did.

That didn't make it any less unsettling, though.

Sam's heavy sigh rocked something inside me. "The lack of a trail – the lack of _anything_ – concerns me. It's been five weeks. I don't think any of us actually anticipated Jacob would stay gone this long, at least not without a letter, a phone call, something."

I frowned as I leaned against the truck. "Concerns you? What do you mean?"

He didn't have to say it. The look on his face did it for him as it passed through me to Quil and landed with Paul, who already knew what Sam was thinking. I felt the look in my gut and it actually made me want to vomit all over Sam's feet, but something told me he wouldn't appreciate that very much.

_Way to let down your poker face, Sam._

"You think he's dead, don't you?"

I heard Quil make a noise in his throat from the other side of the truck when the question left my mouth. When I looked over at him, he suddenly was gripping the truck for support, almost as if my words were trying to knock him over. My stare returned to Sam. Even if Sam did suspect it, he'd never say so, but the insinuation alone was enough to send the possibility flashing across the front of our minds.

"I didn't say that, Embry. I'm just a little...disheartened we haven't come across a single trace of him in almost five weeks." Sam's face was stoic and once again refused to betray whatever it was running through that somber mind of his. It didn't matter, though. He didn't have to say it out loud. He'd let his guard down for a second, just long enough to plant the seed. That was all it took for the thought to run rampant through my head. Even Paul was silenced as a contemplative look crossed his face, his gaze focused on the ground in front of him.

It was pretty obvious, though, Sam saw our expressions, the fear rooted deep in our faces, and he scrambled to put out the silent fire of panic he'd unintentionally caused. "It's really too early for worst-case scenarios. Wherever he is, I'm sure he's safe and I'm sure he's fine." His eyes fell to the ground once he closed his mouth.

_Nice cover-up, Sam. Real smooth._

"Hey! You guys are home!"

Four pairs of eyes, including my own, swiveled toward the front porch of the house to see Emily leaning against the railing. She smiled warmly when she realized she got our attention. "I heard voices out here, so I just wanted to check and see who all was staying for dinner before I set the table."

Shoving his hands in the pockets of his cut-offs and eager to get out of the thick, tense situation Sam had created, Paul turned on his heel and started toward the house. "Yeah, Em, that'd be great. Thanks," he said as he trotted quickly away from us.

Quil wasn't far behind him at the mention of a meal, although the excitement that normally would have dripped from his voice at the prospect of Emily's cooking noticeably wasn't there. "Count me in, too."

Smiling as Paul and Quil passed her on the porch and disappeared into the house, Emily's gaze returned to me. "Embry?"

Returning her smile with a half-one of my own, I shook my head. "No, thanks, Emily," I called out. "I think I'm gonna head into Forks here in a bit and see if I can't find a part I need for the truck before the parts store closes."

"Okay, but you're missing out. I made meatloaf."

Just the mention of Emily's reservation-famous meatloaf had the saliva collecting in my mouth. "That's more than tempting, Emily, but it's okay," I chuckled. "I really wanna see if they have the part tonight."

It wasn't the truth. It was against my better judgment and certainly against the desires of my stomach to turn down a meal from Emily, mostly because it was the only time I ever got home-cooked food. The truth was the part could have waited till the next day. The truth was I suddenly didn't feel in the mood to sit around with my Alpha, his imprint and two of my pack brothers, pretending like everything was fine. The truth was I didn't feel like denying what all of us were fighting so hard against feeling, that it sure as hell felt like we were on our way to worst-case scenarios.

"Suit yourself." As Emily turned to walk back into the house, she suddenly stopped in her tracks before turning again and returning to the spot she'd left, her mouth open like she had more to say. "Oh, I forgot – Bella called a few minutes ago. She said she was heading down this way. She said she had something for you, so you might want to stick around until she gets here."

Something knotted in my stomach but as quickly as it appeared, it was gone. My eyebrows pulled down over my eyes as I nodded. "Did she say what she was bringing?"

"No," Emily replied, shaking her head as she turned it toward Sam. "Make sure when she gets here, she knows she's welcome to stay for dinner, too." When Sam nodded in acknowledgement, Emily turned on her heel and swiftly disappeared back in the house.

With a sigh, Sam turned his morose face back to me. I wanted to tell him to leave me alone, to follow his fiancée into the house and enjoy his dinner, but I didn't. I knew better, and I knew there was really no reason for it.

"So how's Bella doing?"

I shrugged as I left my spot next to the truck and pushed past Sam, making my way to our makeshift workbench to tidy up the tools and parts haphazardly strewn across its surface. "I'm not completely sure. She seems okay, but only from what I've noticed."

Admittedly, since the day Bella and I pushed the truck to Sam and Emily's, I hadn't talked to her much. It wasn't because I didn't want to, but it was more because I didn't feel the need to call her everyday and ask her how she was. Knowing Bella, I also knew she probably wouldn't appreciate that. She knew we were here for her, and she knew I was, too, if and when she needed me to be.

She'd made it pretty apparent the last two weeks that she knew it, too, even without saying so.

Tonight wasn't her first visit back to Sam and Emily's since the day we brought the truck here. She'd been back a few times actually. With the exception of the one time I wasn't here, the other times I was, keeping myself busy by spending the days tinkering with my still non-working truck. She would arrive and make it a point to stop and say hi before retreating into the house to say hello to Emily.

Her absence outside the house was probably why it took me awhile to notice her the first time — especially considering I was under the truck for the better part of 45 minutes — but when I rolled out to grab a tool I needed, I saw she was sitting on the porch steps. She didn't speak; she didn't even acknowledge the fact I'd seen her. Instead, she sat silently in place, her elbows leaning on her knees and her chin resting in the palms of her hands. Her gaze was intently fixed in my direction. When I moved, her eyes relocated, like she was simply taking in every movement, every action and drawing whatever it was she wanted from each one.

So I let her. I didn't say anything to her either. I didn't ask her to come over and join me. I knew that would be too much and would be taking it too far past what she considered comfortable. I didn't want her to think I was trying to replace any part of her she'd lost, but whatever it was she wanted from this, she could take. I'd do that much for her.

So the first time progressed just like that – wordlessly and from a distance. So did the second time, as well as the third. When she was finished, when she had what she needed, she would rise to her feet, walk down the stairs and approach me long enough to say goodbye, offer a thankful smile and retreat to her truck. Then she'd be gone.

Sam's throaty noise of approval brought me back to the present. "That's good. It seems like you're really stepping up to be there for her. I know the rest of us are trying, but whatever you're doing seems to be working."

"I'm not really doing that much," I murmured, honestly believing it was the truth.

"You are, Embry, I just don't think you realize it," Sam said. "You understand people simply by observing them. It's always been one of your strengths. The rest of us don't have a handle on that quite as well as you do and, in this case, I think it's really helping her."

Wanting to protest, wanting to tell him I simply was doing what any of the rest of the pack would do, I held it in instead. "Thanks," I replied quietly.

Sam didn't move to say anything else, but he didn't have to as the quiet, lulling sounds of the forest surrounding us were interrupted by the loud rumble of a motor we could recognize anywhere.

_Speak of the devil._

It didn't take long for the aged red truck to make its way over the crest of the driveway and ramble down the rest of its length, coming to a stop several feet from the carport in front of the house. Before turning to leave, Sam shot me one last look. "Make sure she knows about the dinner invitation." With a nod and a tight-lipped smile, he started toward the house.

Sam met Bella as she turned off the truck's motor and opened the door, sliding hesitantly out from the driver's seat. As Sam approached her, he nodded at her, too. "Bella."

"Hey, Sam." She murmured, giving him a small smile as he continued past her and up the stairs into the house. Her gaze followed him for a minute before it fell to the ground. After a few moments, it bounced back up in my direction. She hitched her thumbs in her pockets as she took a couple steps away from the truck.

Smiling, I walked out of the carport and closed the distance between us. "So what's up your sleeve, Bella?" I greeted her, cocking one eyebrow at her expectantly. "Emily said you called and told her you had something for me. It's not even my birthday yet, so what gives?"

Another slight smile pulled at the corner of her lips. "True story," she murmured.

"Well, I don't see motorcycles or anything like that in your truck, so at least I know it wasn't that kind of a gift." As soon as I said it, a pained look flashed swiftly across her face and I immediately wanted to kick myself for not thinking before the words spilled from my mouth.

She recovered quickly, though, and inwardly I breathed a sigh of relief. "No," she muttered. "Been there, done that – not doing it again. It is something you could use, though."

"A truck that actually runs?"

She chuckled. "No, but maybe it'll help you get there faster." She motioned her head toward the back of the truck.

My face wrinkling in intrigued confusion, I stepped forward and peered over the side of the truck's bed. In it, lying flat on the rusting paint, was an auto creeper.

I grinned. "Nice." Reaching in, I pulled out the wheeled contraption and eyed it pensively before lowering it so I could see Bella once again. "Where'd you snag this from?"

"Honestly? I got it out of the garage at the house."

"Jake's garage?"

She nodded meekly, and I continued like his name didn't faze her. "I'm surprised you knew where to find it."

She scoffed. "I pay attention to things, Em, believe it or not. I had to dig a little bit but I found it." She again let her eyes fall to her shoes before she continued. "Honestly, I'm surprised you haven't come back to the house to grab any of this stuff."

The smile fell off my lips as I studied the worn wood of the creeper. "I've been getting by with everything I have here."

It was Bella's turn to cock an eyebrow in my direction. "Yeah, you say that now, but I'm sure you've figured out already that I've been watching everything you've been doing out here the past couple weeks." Her eyebrow fell and she shifted uneasily, almost as if I might berate her for admitting it.

"Yeah, I've noticed," I said softly, leaving it at that so she knew I wouldn't.

Nodding slightly as if to convey she understood, she continued. "You may be 'getting by', but you could probably use a few things to make your life a little easier." She stopped and gestured at the rectangular contraption I held in my hands. "So I figured this might come in handy when you need to get under the truck. The wheels have got to make it easier to slide in and out from under that thing – at least easier than trying to crawl under there on your back. It's got to be a lot more comfortable, too."

I grinned in spite of myself. She was right. _There's nothing quite like the feeling of jagged rocks digging into your flesh when you're trying to check the brake lines_ , I thought sarcastically.

"Yeah, it probably will be," I agreed, meeting her gaze and not missing the satisfaction in them. "Thanks, Bells."

A smile pulled at her lips. "You're welcome," she murmured. Letting the smile loose for a second, she looked away and took a couple steps back before turning around to make her way into the house.

"Hey, Bella?" The request left my mouth before I could stop it.

She stopped and looked curiously at me over her shoulder.

"So Emily's making meatloaf in there, but I really need to go into town and grab something from the parts store real quick, so I was thinking...I could really go for a big, greasy bacon cheeseburger from the diner and one of those really thick chocolate milkshakes they make." I paused for a moment. "You up for it?"

Bella pondered it for a moment, throwing a glance toward the house before looking back at me. Her pensive expression softened slowly, and she took several moments before she nodded.

"Yeah," she murmured. "I think I'd like that."


	12. Closer

_**Suggested Listening: "Falling of Flying" by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals, "I Would Trade" by Clarensau, "Interlude" by Christina Perri, "The Lonely" by Christina Perri** _

**BELLA POV**

I honestly wasn't anticipating the numerous sets of eyes trained on me the second I walked through the door of Forks' only diner. The little bell above the door cheerily announcing our arrival barely stopped ringing before I noticed it.

For a second, I was thankful for the cloak of Embry's tall body, until I realized it didn't make me invisible and the human shield in front of me was the only reason the eyes were boring holes through me in the first place. Had I taken a moment to think about it, I might have been able to prepare myself for this reaction. The chief of police's daughter had just waltzed into the diner with a Quileute man who was _not_ the one the local folk were used to seeing with her. I could almost see the questions, the accusations and the curiosity flashing through their not-so-subtle stares.

_People in this stupid, small town really don't miss a thing, do they?_

If the curious, bewildered looks now fixated on Embry were any indication, they most certainly did not.

All I could concentrate on was the flaming in my cheeks, so much so I didn't realize Embry had stopped in front of me until I almost ran into his broad back.

"Oomph!" My hands shot up and braced myself against his frame before my face became intimately acquainted with it. Embry's body barely moved as I tripped a little, my fingers curling around the clean, unstained t-shirt Sam had lent him as I tried to regain my sudden loss of balance.

I heard him make an amused noise in his throat before he turned his body slightly, glancing at me over his shoulder. I peered up at him, my cheeks burning from embarrassment caused by the mixture of my own clumsiness and the judgmental stares coming from the ridiculously vast number of people in the diner.

"You'd almost think they were expecting us," he murmured quietly under his breath, giving me a sympathetic smile. "Now I'm kind of glad I changed my shirt."

 _Great,_ I thought. _He thinks this is funny_ _._

"Where do you want to sit?"

Peeking around him, I noticed a few free tables in the far corner of the diner away from the prying eyes. Nodding toward them curtly, I glanced back at him. "There. Over there is fine."

As I followed Embry into the far reaches of the diner, as I felt the eyes following us, I fought the urge to reach out and push him as I wished like hell he'd walk faster. The sooner we sat down, the sooner everyone would go back to their business and the sooner they'd stop wondering and collecting the assumptions I knew were in there heads.

When Embry stopped at the second to last table, I hastily brushed past him and kept walking to the one farthest in the corner until I reached the chair closest to the wall. I didn't even look behind me as I pulled out the wooden chair and hurriedly slid into it, wanting to put as much distance as possible between the other diner patrons and myself. Only then did I bother to look up.

Embry was still standing at the second table, his hand curled around the back of the chair like he was about to move it, but instead he was frozen, gaping at me with one eyebrow cocked and a slight, amused smile pulling at the corner of his lips. I tried to give him a reassured smile but had trouble meeting his gaze. Instead, I decided to focus on the set of silverware bound tightly by a napkin sitting on the table in front of me.

Quietly pushing the chair back in, Embry took the few steps to the chair across from me and pulled it out, sitting down with as much caution as he could muster. Placing his arms on the table, he leaned forward, cocking his head slightly to catch my gaze. Sighing, I returned it just in time to see the look of concern flash through his eyes.

"Bella, we don't have to do this if you don't want to," he said so softly I could barely hear him.

Pushing the desire to agree with him to the back of my mind, I instead tried to focus on why I'd said yes to his proposition in the first place.

It felt good to be here. It felt good to be out of Jacob's house. It felt good to feel _normal_.

The day Embry came to get the truck was unexpected but by the time we made it to Sam and Emily's, it felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off my chest. It felt like I could _breathe_ again. At first I didn't buy it, and my gut instinct was to fight it just as I had the day the guys had shown up to take me bowling in the days following Jacob's disappearance. To me, feeling even a shred of normalcy seemed the equivalent of giving up hope.

But as I stood outside Sam and Emily's that day, inwardly fighting with myself while I watched Embry lay out all the tools he'd just collected from Jacob's garage, I remembered what he'd said to me as we pushed the truck the long mile and a half to where it sat now. I remembered how I'd silently agreed with him, knowing it was what I needed to do.

" _Maybe doing this you'll see it might actually feel good to get out and have other people around, you know? It might make it easier to go back to the house and to get through each day after that."_

His words kept me there. They were what encouraged me to spend the following hours with Emily and have dinner with her and Sam. They were what kept me hopeful after I said goodbye to Embry and returned to the house later that night.

And that night, when I went to sleep, there were no dreams. I slept peacefully for the first time in weeks.

When I woke up the next morning, I still missed Jacob more than words could express. I still wanted to hear his voice and bury my nose in his chest so I could savor his rich, musky scent. The ache was still there, but for the first time, I felt like I finally was embracing the family he'd inadvertently bound me to before he disappeared.

The days following were a mix of torment and self-preservation. Despite everything, a part of me soaked up every possible second I spent in Jacob's house. It was the closest I could get to him without him actually being in front of me. The entire house exuded Jacob – his smell, his belongings and his presence. In the moments I was there, I decided to relish what I could of the love I continued to crave.

But when it became too much, I took Embry's advice and left without looking back, even if it only was for a few hours. I knew that not too far away, Embry was there for me. I knew the pack was there for me. Before I'd been reluctant to ask for help and hesitant to accept it when it came. Now, I knew how good it felt and I did my best to embrace it, hoping like hell the good would continue to pull me through the bad.

It's a chance I had to take. Things were better with them around. _I_ was better with them around.

Hence why I was sitting in the diner and facing the curious stares of people who had no right to wonder. I knew it would be worth it in the end if it helped me get through another night.

Sighing, I absentmindedly took the paper fastener off the roll of silverware. I unwrapped the utensils and spread the napkin out in front of me, smoothing it a couple times against the table before remembering Embry probably wanted an answer.

"No," I said sternly, shaking my head. "I'm fine. This is fine."

Embry smiled as he leaned back in his chair. "So I still get my milkshake?"

My smile widened automatically, my mood suddenly lightening by an intense amount as I felt the tension start to evaporate. "You still get your milkshake — but only if you'll share a little bit with me."

I wasn't sure Embry's grin could get any bigger. "Deal."

I was still smiling when Cora, the waitress, approached our table carrying menus and two glasses of water, a curious look spread across her features. "Hey, Bella. I haven't seen you here in awhile."

Clasping my hands in my lap and trying hard to directly meet her gaze as she slid menus on the table, I pursed my lips and nodded. "Yeah. I haven't really been around too much."

"Yeah, that's what your dad said. He said you've been staying down at La Push?" At the mention of the reservation, Cora's eyes flitted briefly toward Embry who was peering at the menu, obviously trying to be polite and not interrupt the conversation.

"Yup." I tried keeping my answer simple.

But Cora wasn't satisfied.

"So I heard about Jacob's father. I'm so sorry, Bella. I haven't had the chance to tell you because I haven't seen you in so long. And then Charlie told me Jacob left, too? My goodness. How are you holding up?" Her eyes were wide as she stared me down, obviously expecting an honest answer.

I withered under her gaze at the mention of losing both Billy and Jacob in the same breath. I could feel the lump rising in my throat, and I took a couple deep breaths, desperately trying to hang on to the strength I'd found coming here. "I'm fine, Cora. Really," I squeaked, unable to send her a reassuring smile to convince her I was, in fact, fine.

Cora sighed. "Oh, honey, you are so much stronger than I would be right now. I just can't imagine. You and Jacob were so close." Suddenly she was smiling from ear to ear, like there was something to be happy about. I, on the other hand, wasn't seeing it. "You two were always so cute in here. Honestly, it's such a shame. I really thought you two would get married one day..."

"So what all comes on the cheeseburger platters?"

Mouth still hanging open, Cora looked at Embry, who was now peering at her expectantly over the top of his menu, both eyebrows raised. I sucked in several more deep breaths, slowly pushing the lump down as he held Cora's attention. For a split second, though, his eyes darted toward me. In that brief moment, I managed to nod at him and silently assure him I was fine. Only then did he turn back toward Cora.

"Umm, well, they come with your choice of potato and cole slaw," Cora replied meekly, and I could tell she felt admonished by Embry's interruption. Her tone pretty much confirmed it.

"Great," Embry said, closing his menu before grabbing mine and laying it on top of his. "We'll take two of those with..." His eyes were back on me.

"Steak fries," I said quietly.

"Steak fries," Embry repeated, smiling at Cora as he handed her the menu. "Oh, and a chocolate milkshake, too – two glasses."

"Great choice," Cora said, suddenly regaining her professionalism. "I'll put that in right away." With a smile and nod in my direction, she turned and retreated toward the kitchen, taking with her the stares of the curious onlookers behind her.

Once she was safely out of earshot, I glanced at Embry across the table, who was unwrapping the straw to put in his glass of water and peering back at me. "Thank you," I said with a relieved smile.

His smile continued to curl up one side of his face. "No problem." He, too, threw a glance over his shoulder. "Some people are kind of dense, huh?"

I chuckled, reaching for my own straw to unwrap it. "Cora? Cora's nice, but...well, not everyone can be super-observant like we are."

Embry laughed as he set his glass back on the table and leaned back in his chair, still eyeing me. "So, the million-dollar question, Bells...how have you been? Haven't seen you around Emily and Sam's in a few days. I thought I was going to have to go find another non-working car just to bring it to you and convince you to help me push it back where I found it."

Running my fingers down the sides of my glass, leaving swirls in the condensation collecting on its surface, I smiled. It was funny how when Embry asked me the very same question Cora had only moments earlier, it didn't send me spiraling headfirst into a state of irrational depression. In fact, I didn't mind answering him when he asked.

"I've been managing," I replied, leaning forward to capture the straw between my lips and take a sip of water.

"Just managing?"

"Mm-hmm," I hummed before releasing the straw and leaning back in my own chair. "What do you want me to say? That things are absolutely fantastic?"

Embry laughed. "No, not really, because I know you'd be lying."

I smiled at no one in particular. "Good." My smile faded into a sigh. "I'm working on it, though."

"On what? On feeling absolutely fantastic?"

The smile made a swift return. "Yeah. Baby steps, though. And it could be long while before we get to fantastic – right now, I'm just aiming for okay."

"Fair enough," Embry replied.

"So how've you been?" I asked, inadvertently changing the subject. I didn't mind I'd steered the conversation in a different direction. Sometimes I felt selfish. Sometimes I felt like the focuses of Embry and the other pack members were solely on me, and I didn't want it to be that way.

A look of something passed across Embry's features as his face wrinkled, almost like he had to think about his answer before he said it. The look swiftly disappeared and he eyed me, hoping I didn't notice. "We're fine. Everything's still a little strange, but we're working through it."

His answer wasn't satisfactory and a little part of me wanted to press him for more. The blank look in his eyes as he played with the straw in his water glass conveyed there was more beneath his pointed, withdrawn answer.

I didn't, though, because a bigger part of me recognized exactly what the emptiness in his look meant. He wasn't going to let this conversation become about him, no matter how many questions I asked, no matter how much I prodded. A sigh escaped my lips as I watched him and it wasn't unnoticed by Embry because for a moment, his eyes darted in my direction.

_Another time. There'll be another time when it's your turn to be there and listen to him, Bella._

Almost in reply to my silent statement, Embry made a noise in his throat and sat up straight in his chair, slanting his body forward so his forearms were leaning against the side of the table. "How's Charlie?"

An ironic smile crossed my lips as the ball once again was back in my court.

"He's good," I replied. "I've been going over there several nights a week and making him dinner. He appreciates it. I think it makes him feel like I'm still around. I know he misses me, or at least misses having someone else in the house." I sighed again as I remembered the first time I went back to the house following my unexpected move to La Push and the condition in which I found the house. "If it wasn't for me, the dishes would never get done and the kitchen would turn into a giant trash can."

The corner of Embry's lips twitched as he watched me talk. "You've been keeping busy then. That's good."

My fingers now grasping the bottom of my water glass, I rotated it a half-turn and nodded. "Yeah. You were right – it's kind of nice being around others. It's not always easy, though. Charlie's always asking questions. They're never direct but they're always about _him_. And Emily? Bless her heart, but the way she looks at me? Like I'm going to spontaneously wither up and die right in front of her eyes? Sometimes I just want to slap her across the face and run screaming from the house."

The twitch broke into a smile as Embry nodded, his hand traveling to his mouth as he tried to a hide a laugh behind it.

I took a few breaths before continuing. "It's nice, but sometimes the silence is nice – the time I spent at that house is nice. But it's hard, too — sometimes it's almost unbearable, but I think it makes the time I spend around others a little easier, a little more enjoyable."

The look on Embry's face showed he understood, but I could tell he was curious about something else. "So what about those times you sit on the porch for two hours in complete silence watching me beat up on a truck that's never going to run?"

My eyes fell to watch my fingers on the glass. I knew it was a question he was going to ask sooner or later. "I'm sorry if you thought that was strange."

"I didn't say I thought it was strange."

I probably didn't have to explain myself, but I felt the compulsive need to do it anyway, despite the lump in my throat threatening to return at the mere thought of it. "I like watching you work on the truck, even if it's really hard to see sometimes. That's probably why I never get very close. But the act itself is probably something I'll always find comforting. I don't think anything like that can just go out of a person."

I eyed Embry thoughtfully as he watched me from across the table. "And besides, I don't mind so much spending time around you, Em," I murmured.

His expression was a mix of shock, but it also was laced with a flair of contentment as he leaned back in his chair again, his arms folding across his chest. "Really?"

I gave him a sincere nod. "Really."

"I figured you'd be getting sick of me by now," he replied, a grin threatening to overtake his face.

I smiled and took another sip of water. "No. Trust me, I'm not. It's easier being around you." My fingers were now fiddling with my fork as I spoke. "It's not like it is when I'm around others sometimes, like my dad and Emily. You don't treat me like I'm going to break and when you look at me, I can't see all the pity I see when everyone else does. The pity just reminds me of everything that's happened. It reminds me of a road I don't want to go down. And I know you're watching out for me, but that's the thing – you're there for me, Em, but it's almost like you're not."

Embry raised an eyebrow. "That actually sounds kind of bad."

"No! It isn't bad," I rushed to correct him, holding up a hand as if to stop him from protesting. "What I mean is you've never tried to force yourself in, you've never insisted on trying to fix me – but you're still there if I need you, just like when you let me sit there in silence and watch you work on the truck. And the funny thing is, you've found all these other ways to help me without me actually realizing you've helped. Like moving the truck? You helped me face a lot just with that one gesture."

Embry's soft smile warmed a part of me as I watched it spread across his face. "I'm glad, Bella," he replied, letting his arms fall to the table as he leaned on it with his elbows. "All I ever want is for you to know we care about you as a part of this family."

"And I'm thankful for that. Don't think for a second I'm not," I confessed hurriedly. "I'm thankful for it all, really. Take everything you do and put it with the baby steps I'm making and it helps everything feel – I don't know – _normal_ again. It's funny because it's so different than anything I've needed before, but however you're doing it, please don't stop."

Embry's smile faded and was replaced by a sincere look in his eyes. For a moment, it almost could be regarded as a silent declaration, one that didn't need words because I could detect every ounce of authenticity he was conveying through his dark eyes.

"I won't, Bells," he said so quietly I could barely hear him. "I promise."

* * *

The next two weeks passed in a fluid blur, much to my surprise.

It had been almost two months and still nothing. No signs, no phone calls, no hope in even the most tiny, minute form came to any of us.

I continued to love Jacob, and I continued to miss him. I continued to hurt, but I also continued to inhale and exhale. The dreams stayed away. I continued to take the good with the bad, and I gave thanks for the people who were still here, especially one particular person who kept giving me the slightest, most gentle pushes out of _normal_ and toward _okay_.

"Favorite color?"

"Blue."

"That's strange..."

"Why is that strange?"

"I've never met a girl who said blue is her favorite color."

"Well, you're not hanging around the right girls then."

"Wait a minute – is there something wrong with a girl liking pink?"

"No – if you're into certain kinds of girls."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

I chuckled at the semi-offended look on Embry's face as he stood motionless over the open hood of his truck, wielding a socket wrench in one hand as he glowered at me in disbelief. I wasn't even sure why he was still pretending the fix the truck. Our ridiculous conversation had spiraled out of control a long time ago and I was confident he hadn't moved or actually socket-wrenched anything in the last twenty minutes.

I was sitting several feet away from him, perched on the sturdy porch railing with my back leaning against the wooden support that held up the porch's roof. I'd shown up to the house a little over an hour ago only to learn from Embry, who appeared to be the only person who was around, that Emily wasn't home. He hesitated when he finished telling me, waiting for the change of heart he was sure would follow it.

It never came, though. I hadn't come for Emily. I wasn't sure if he didn't believe what I told him the night in the diner, but I meant it. More than anyone else, it was his presence that made me feel most normal.

So instead of going home, I grabbed a book out of the glove compartment of my truck and quietly walked up to the porch. He watched me the entire time, even as I hopped onto the porch railing, which was a good 15 feet from the carport. As I settled in and opened my book, I smiled at him before looking down at the worn pages, but not before I saw him shake his head in amusement and go back to whatever it was he was tinkering with on the truck.

Our entire impromptu question-and-answer session came to life when I spontaneously and loudly pointed out how much I hated the fact paperback books didn't stay open on your lap, causing Embry to jump and crack his head on the underside of the truck's hood. I burst into laughter at the look of shock on his face, and it only doubled when he started rubbing the back of his head, shooting me an amused but annoyed look. I somehow managed to stammer out an apology for laughing at him, but only between chuckles.

Once my laughter subsided, he asked which book I was reading. I told him, then proceeded to follow up his question by asking if he'd ever read it. He said no, but then asked me if I'd read another book, which happened to be his favorite.

Before I knew it, the conversation was flowing between us like we'd been sharing pointless exchanges just like it our entire lives.

"Because pink is a girly color, Em."

He blinked at me stupidly. "Isn't that kind of the point?"

"That is _not_ the point," I exclaimed, waving my hand for emphasis. "If you want a girl with substance, a girl who's not afraid to roll up her sleeves and get dirty, a girl who's not going to run and scream when she's a spider, then you don't want a girl who says her favorite color is pink."

Embry cocked an amused eyebrow in my direction, despite the fact he still looked like I'd completely insulted his taste in women. "Oh, really? So all girls who like pink are like that? Isn't that kind of prejudiced, Bells?"

I rolled my eyes, an easy smile spreading across my face. "Not prejudiced, just the truth."

"Oh. Well, in that case..." I was paying enough attention to see his wink before he finally reached back into the guts of the Ranger in search of some non-working part I'd never be able to name.

"Hey, Em?"

Embry glanced up at me again before his eyes returned to the motor in front of him. "Yeah?"

"Have you ever had a girlfriend?"

The question likely came out of left field as much for me as it did for him. His attention suddenly was not on the Ranger as he was looking at me again, his eyes searching for a reason I'd just asked such a personal question. I felt my cheeks flush slightly as I realized I might have been asking a question that was none of my business.

If he truly was fazed by it, though, he didn't let on. "Nope," he said swiftly. "Not a real one, at least."

I couldn't help but chuckle. "A real one? As compared to?"

With a sigh, Embry realized working on the truck at this point was futile. Standing up straight, he looked at me once more before turning and grabbing a clean shop rag off the table inside the carport. He wiped his hands off vigorously before tossing the rag back on the table and walking toward the porch steps, hitching his thumbs in the pocket of his cut-offs as he did.

I watched him as he shuffled over to the corner of the porch where I sat, taking his hands from his pockets and crossing his arms in front of his chest as he leaned against the railing. "Yeah, there've been a couple girls, just nothing serious."

"How come?" I asked quietly, this time closing my book on my lap. As Embry's friend, a part of me was curious to learn this part of his history, although I already knew the sketchy outline simply through his friendship with Jacob. The ever-present knot formed in my stomach at the mention of his name, but this time it was manageable. A part of me silently wondered if my curiosity-filled questions toward Embry were just a way of taking my mind's spotlight off my own broken past and uncertain future for just a single moment.

"I don't know, Bells," he replied, his eyes falling toward the floorboards of the porch. "I guess I just haven't found the right person yet."

A specific word floated on the end of my tongue, and I let it roll off. "You mean your imprint?"

Embry scoffed, finally looking up to meet my gaze. "No, that's not what I meant. I could really care less if that ever happened."

When he said it, a part of me was taken back to several conversations Jacob and I had throughout the course of our relationship. Whenever it came up, whenever my fears got the better of me, he'd always assured me, quite adamantly, he would never imprint. If he ever did, he vowed to fight it because what we had meant more to him than some "supernatural voodoo" ever would.

Thinking back on his words, there was a small sliver of me that almost wished Jacob had imprinted. At least that way I would have closure. At least I would have been able to wrap my head around why he was no longer in my life.

At least then I would have known he had no other choice.

"So you don't want to imprint?"

Embry chewed on this for a moment. "It's not that I don't want to. We just don't know if I will."

"Why not?"

The look on Embry's face was patient, despite the fact I was thinking I probably should have known the answer to the question. "Well, we don't know for sure, but Sam thinks there's a chance I never will because of the fact I'm only half-Quileute."

"But you're a wolf, though. It seems strange that would even matter," I observed, leaning my head against the wooden beam behind me and frowning slightly at the fact Sam had even considered Embry to be inferior to the others, even in a way that was undisputable.

"It's not that," he answered. "The whole purpose of imprinting is to find the best possible match to carry on the gene. If you really think about it, _I'm_ not even the best possible match to do it since I'm not even full Quileute."

My face wrinkled again. "That seems silly."

Embry shrugged. "It's just a theory, Bells. No one knows if it's true."

I sighed. "Still seems silly."

"I don't mind really," he murmured, again staring at the porch beneath his feet.

"So that doesn't bother you at all? The fact Sam thinks your wolf is inferior to everyone else's?"

"It's not like that," he corrected. "If what Sam says is true, that's nature – there's nothing I can do about it. I don't mind because I don't really care if I ever imprint. I guess I _don't_ want to, if I really think about."

"Really?" The words were quiet, but enough to bring his gaze back to mine. His teeth were biting on his lower lip in uncertainty and I saw the hesitance in his eyes, like he wasn't sure he should continue. "You can tell me why," I coaxed, managing an understanding smile.

It was Embry's turn to sigh. "Honestly? I always thought Jake was on to something with his feelings on imprinting." He stopped for a second, gauging my reaction to the conversation steering toward Jacob. Inwardly, I reminded myself Jacob was Embry's best friend and should be allowed to talk about him. I wouldn't break. I could let him remember, even if I had to put on my best poker face. I would do it for him.

When Embry looked at me, almost like he was asking for permission to continue, I nodded. "You know as well as I do," he said, "Jake always believed choice was more powerful than some pre-determined twist of fate the gods set in motion as soon as we phased." A small shiver ran through me at his words. It was almost like he pulled them right out of my head from my earlier thoughts.

"I wasn't sure if I believed him at first, though," he continued. "Seeing what Sam and Emily have, an imprint is a pretty powerful thing. It's hard to believe you could mess with something that powerful. When Kim came along, it just reinforced that belief."

"So what changed it?" I murmured, realizing he had successfully captivated me with his explanation.

A smile crossed Embry's lips, his dark eyes filled with warmth I hadn't seen emanate from them in a long time.

"You."

A slight gasp left my lips before I had a chance to stop it. Anticipating my reaction, Embry's smile widened and he looked away again, casting a shy glance toward the opposite end of the porch.

"Hear me out, Bella. I pay attention to things — you know this." He sighed again, trying to collect his thoughts so whatever he had to say came out right. "The way you love? You love that way by _choice_ , and it's powerful. We've all seen it but, more importantly, we've _felt_ it. It's hard to think a feeling that determined _couldn't_ be more powerful than an imprint. You're the reason I know it's possible for a person to love like that by choice, the reason I know an imprint isn't the only way to find a person worthy of loving. That's what I want, Bella. I want someone to _choose_ to love me because _I'm_ worth it — Embry, not the wolf. I don't want some trick of fate to decide for me."

When Embry fell silent, all I could do was gape at him, completely speechless. We remained that way for several moments, Embry gazing at the porch and me staring at him in awe.

I'd known Embry for the better part of two years, but this was a part of him I'd never been afforded the chance to see. Up until two months ago, he'd been Jacob's best friend, the quiet one who never spoke much. In the past several weeks, though, I'd realized his silence was never wasted as he spent much of the time observing and taking in everything and everyone around him, allowing him to figure out their needs before they could figure it out themselves.

But now, he was permitting me to glimpse inside him, inside the sweet, sensitive soul I never knew he possessed.

If anything, it only made me respect and adore him more as a person than I already did.

Finally tearing my eyes away from Embry, I focused my gaze on my hands, which rested on the book in my lap. The modest part of me shied away at Embry's observation. If it were true, a part of me couldn't help but believe the both of us would be in a very different situation, likely not missing such a large presence in both of our lives.

"Embry, I...god. I don't know what to say. I don't deserve..."

"You do," he cut me off, his voice rising slightly as his head snapped abruptly in my direction. "You didn't choose this, Bella. None of us did." Just as quickly as he spoke, he fell silent as the anger started to edge its way into his voice, anger no doubt directed toward the person we were both missing terribly. "You do deserve it."

My heart wrenched in my chest as I watched Embry's face turn stoic, quickly suppressing the hurt beneath a cool exterior. At this point, I wasn't sure for whom I was hurting – Embry or me. Embry's words had been a painful reminder of what used to be, but witnessing the flash of what it brought forward in him was just as difficult to watch.

I remembered the look on his face. It was the same one I'd seen in the diner two weeks earlier. I wanted to tell him it was okay to feel how he was feeling, that it was okay to let it out. I wanted him to know it was okay to be angry one second, sad the next, and alright after that. I was doing it right now and I was here, breathing in and out, taking it one day at a time and getting through it little by little.

Mostly, though, I wanted him to know it wasn't all about me. I wasn't bearing this burden by myself, and this wasn't just my pain. Watching him push down his own for the sake of comforting me – again – also made me painfully aware of one fact.

"I can tell you what I feel like I _don't_ deserve right now," I whispered.

Embry's lips curled into a misplaced smile, almost like he was preparing to argue with me regardless of what I was going to reveal. "What's that?"

I smiled at him, the most genuine smile I could muster. I didn't want him to get the wrong idea. I didn't want him to think I was casting him away because more than anything in that moment, I wanted to hang on to his friendship and would be eternally grateful for what I was about to say.

" _You_."

* * *


	13. Stars

_**Suggested Listening: "I Felt Free" by Circa Survive, "Closer to You" by Adelitas Way, "Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You" by the Cary Brothers, "Bluebird" by Christina Perri** _

_Do it, Bella._

_Dammit, just put your hand on the knob and turn it. It's not that hard. The sooner you get this over with, the sooner you'll know if you're finally okay._

But the longer I stood there, the longer I stared holes through the solid, wood door of Jacob's bedroom, the only thing I accomplished was memorizing the unique and individual grains in it. I could feel the determination boiling within me, sheer will telling me I could do this. It was almost like there was an invisible force compelling my body to move forward, but something else – something else even deeper inside me – was keeping rooted right where I was.

I fought that force, though. I fought it with everything I had because I knew this was the only thing keeping me from being okay. Unlike Jacob, I didn't fear that four-letter word – I _craved_ it. I wanted it more than anything and some days, I felt like I'd stop at nothing to achieve it.

I couldn't explain why but I knew facing what was inside his room would be overcoming a major hurdle. I'd already overcome so much in the past weeks. More often than not, I made it through each day without tears and kept myself from breaking down. A majority of the pain was saved for those moments at the beginning and end of each day, those moments when I lay in bed surrounded by nothing but my mind and memories.

The moments in between weren't as bad. The lump was still there and most days, I wanted to claw it from my throat just to feel what it would be like to be rid of it. I tried not to let it control me, though, because I was getting stronger – I could feel it. I could slowly but surely recognize the ways I was learning to live without him.

I knew I had no other choice.

Whether it was averting my eyes from the empty spot at Sam and Emily's dinner table, allowing myself to smile and enjoy Embry's warm presence, or laughing at Quil's stupid jokes, each one were steps I took to patch the hole Jacob left in both my heart and my life.

After numerous baby steps, though, I suddenly felt the desire to test my progress. This is what led me to stand outside Jacob's bedroom door. This was unexplored territory in my journey to accepting his absence. If I could get through this, I believed I could truly face the reality he might never come home.

At least that's what I kept telling myself. And at least it seemed that way after standing outside his door for a half-hour like a certified crazy person.

As my lips pursed and my eyebrows furrowed in frustrated concentration, I felt my arm rise as it neared the doorknob. _Just a few more inches,_ I told myself.

The relief was tangible as I felt my fingers brush the metal.

_Okay, you made it this far. Now all you have to do it turn it._

Sliding my hand farther over the knob, my fingers curled around the fixture as I felt it against the palm of my hand. _Just turn it, Bella_. My hand didn't move as it fought back against my brain's instructions. _Turn it._

_Just turn it!_

Nothing.

It took another ten minutes of standing there before I realized it was useless.

With a loud sigh, I let my fingers fall from the knob as I continued staring at the door. I could stand here all day and I'd never turn the gold knob, no matter how much I wanted to. I wasn't ready for this. This fact alone irritated me more than anything, and I could feel the anger bubbling inside me – anger toward the situation, anger toward Jacob and, most of all, anger toward myself.

With an aggravated cry, I pulled my arm back and slammed my fist against the door, causing the wood to quiver beneath my strike. Taking a couple steps back, my back hit the wall opposite the door and I willingly let my legs give out from under me. I slid down the wood paneling until I was sitting on the floor, my knees pulled up to my chest.

I wanted to cry. It wasn't out of longing and it wasn't out of pain. This time, I wanted to cry out of sheer frustration.

I didn't have a chance to, though, as my cell phone erupted, its shrill ring blaring from my jeans pocket.

Pulling it out, I didn't even look to see who it was before I answered. "Hello?" The exasperation dripping from my voice was uncontrolled as I greeted the person on the other end.

"Jeez, Bells...hello to you, too."

The tension I was feeling immediately lessened and I smiled in spite of my sour mood. "Embry, hey."

There was a hesitant pause on the other end of the line. "Everything okay?"

"Oh, sure," I said, an ironic twinge in my voice. "Just another day in the life of Bella Swan."

"Sounds promising."

"Oh, it is...trust me." I chuckled to myself as I leaned my head against the wall and let my free arm rest lazily on my knee. "So what's up?"

"You got plans tonight?"

I rolled my eyes in amusement. "I don't know, Em – let me check my schedule. I think I can squeeze you in somewhere between reorganizing the kitchen cupboards and watching paint peel off the living room wall."

"Really?" Embry exclaimed, the dramatic excitement in his voice evident. "You'd do that for me? I feel so honored."

"Consider this the luckiest day of your life."

Embry chuckled on the other end of the line. "I'm making a mental note right this second to write it on my calendar as soon as I get home."

Picking at a piece of lint on my jeans, I frowned. "Where are you now?"

"At Sam and Emily's," he replied. "That's why I was calling actually. I guess the entire pack's decided to head down to First Beach tonight for an impromptu bonfire. I was just calling to let you know I'll be there in 20 minutes to pick you up."

At first, I inwardly cringed at his use of the word 'entire'. _Not quite, Em._

I pushed it down, though, as I focused on the other words he spoke. Doing so caused it to dawn on me. "Pick me up? Embry, what are you talking about? Is this your funny way of saying you're gonna make me ride on the back of your wolf or something, because I could think of about one hundred better ways I'd like to..."

"Bella!" Embry interjected. "No, I'm not making you ride on the back of my wolf. Jesus, woman..." His laugh cut through my confusion.

"Okay..." Chewing on this for a moment, it only took a couple more for the metaphorical light bulb to go off over my head. "Wait. Pick me up? Embry! Are you saying what I think you're saying?"

I swear I could almost hear his grin on the other end of the line. "Yes, ma'am. I am now the proud owner of a _running_ 1994 Ford Ranger."

"Embry! That's amazing!" I exclaimed as I sat up straight, my smile widening across my face. "How the heck did you manage to get it running?"

Silence. "Ouch, Bella. No faith..."

"Shut up, you know I had faith you could do it," I retorted, the grin still attached to my features. "I just didn't realize you were so close."

"Well, neither did I, but Quil and I were messing around with it a couple days ago and, low and behold, found the root problem causing a lot of the others. Once we fixed that, a lot of the others just kinda fixed themselves." Embry's voice drifted off for moment, as if he was hesitating before speaking his next words. "I'm kind of amazed myself, actually. I was beginning to think the two of us were never going to get it running by ourselves..."

What he meant didn't need to be said aloud. I understood completely, and didn't need the words to understand where he was coming from. Everything I needed to know was apparent in his voice. It was almost like Embry had taken his own little step toward being okay, and that was something with which I could completely sympathize.

"I'm so excited for you, Em. Seriously," I murmured, leaning my head against the wall once more and letting the smile relax a bit on my lips. "So I get to be the first person to take a ride in it?"

"Other than me and Quil? Yes."

"Guess it's my turn to feel honored, huh?"

"Damn right. Now I suggest you get ready, Bella, because if Emily's kitchen clock is actually right, you now have seventeen-and-a-half minutes before I'll be there."

Chuckling, I nodded to no one in particular. "Got it. I'll be waiting."

* * *

Embry was like a kid on Christmas morning driving his "new" truck the half-mile to First Beach.

His crooked grin never left his face, and he practically caressed the steering wheel as he drove. Every now and then, between words in our conversation, he would absentmindedly reach up and sweep a speck of dust off the dash. I, however, bit my bottom lip to keep from laughing as I half-expected him to start bouncing in his seat. The tiny action didn't keep the smile from pulling at the corner of my lips, though.

It made me happy to see him so happy. He deserved every ounce of it.

Parking the truck near the tree line separating First Beach from the makeshift gravel lot, I could make out shouts and voices coming from the beach as well as the smell of wood burning. The sun was already lowering in the western sky as I climbed out of the truck, shutting the door behind me.

Taking a few steps forward, I shot a guilty glance at Embry across the hood of the truck. "I feel like I should have brought something."

Smiling, Embry nodded his head toward the path leading to the beach, his silent invitation for me to walk with him. I made my way across the front of the truck and met Embry as we started down the trail, side by side, between the dense trees protecting the beach from the outside world. It didn't take long before we emerged from the tree line, the rocky beach spread out in a vast expanse in front of it. Down the shore, I already could see a huge bonfire burning and several people milling around it. From this distance, I could make out Emily running around, laying out casserole and generic Tupperware dishes across the makeshift table nearest the fire. I could see Kim, too, and Leah. The male pack members, on the other hand, were engaging in their usual pre-bonfire dinner football game down the beach, closer to the water.

Everything looked so normal, like not a thing was out of place.

It made the lump flare fiercely in my throat.

I hadn't realized I sighed until Embry nudged me with his shoulder, our feet moving noiselessly through the sand. "You alright?"

Looking at him, I let the easy smile return to my face before I nodded.

Reaching up with his left hand to push back the strands of loose hair the wind was blowing in his face, he smiled back and without a second thought, draped his other arm across my shoulders, pulling me closer to him. I didn't resist as I shoved my thumbs in my pockets, suddenly feeling less vulnerable and less alone as we approached the others. "If you're really feeling that bad about not bringing anything, we could always run to the store and pick up something up..."

I glanced up at him, feeling his warmth of his arm slowly spread through the rest of me. Cocking an eyebrow, I chuckled. "You're just looking for an excuse to drive your truck again."

For a moment, Embry looked like he might deny it. "Yeah...you're probably right."

Grinning, I looked back toward the group of people gathered several yards ahead of us on the beach. "Plus, imagine how insulted Emily would be if I showed up to this with a container of store-bought potato salad or something."

I could feel Embry's chest vibrate as he suppressed his laughs. "Yup – right on that one, too."

He knew that wasn't the reason I was feeling apprehensive about the bonfire but for the umpteenth time in the past several weeks, I was thankful he trusted my instincts and didn't try to talk me out of it. I knew I could do this – that wasn't the issue. I was anxious about how it would feel, what it would be like with all of us together without Jacob and even without Billy.

I could do this, though. I was strong enough to at least do this today.

Almost as soon as the thought passed through my mind, another squeeze to my shoulder served as a gentle reminder that I wasn't the only one who believed I could.

"Bella!" Emily had looked up from where she was taking cellophane off the top of casserole dishes and waved excitedly in my direction. As soon as she did, several other sets of eyes swiveled in our direction. As we took the last few steps to reach the bonfire, I didn't miss Kim's wide eyes as they traveled from my face down to my shoulder where Embry's arm rested. Even Sam had a slight look of uncertainty scribbled across his solemn features. I could feel the blush furiously fanning across my cheeks as I realized the assumptions being drawn from Embry's harmless action.

Not surprisingly, Embry also realized it as I suddenly felt the weight of his arm disappear from my frame. Looking beside me, Embry now had both hands shoved in his pockets and he was looking toward his fellow pack members and the now tackle football game ensuing down shore.

"Bella Swan! Where the hell have you been all my life, woman?"

_Thank God for you, Quil Ateara._

As Quil ran up the beach, abandoning the football game with a huge grin splayed across his face, I cautiously watched as the numerous sets of eyes dropped back to their tasks, forgetting the moments leading up to this one. I breathed a quick, quiet sigh of relief before smiling at Quil as he skidded to a stop in front of us.

"I didn't go into hiding, Quil, I swear," I answered him, casting a glance toward the sand. "You always know where to find me."

"Yeah, yeah," he said, wagging his eyebrows playfully. "I see empty arms. You mean to tell me you didn't bring anything with you? Not even that macaroni stuff you make?" I immediately knew what he was referencing. There were several times I'd take a werewolf-sized batch of my Grandma Swan's homemade macaroni and cheese to bonfires and other pack functions. I should have known Quil would be the one to point out its absence.

I rolled my eyes as I looked to my left, meeting Embry's gaze. "Didn't need to bring anything, huh?"

He smiled at me sheepishly before he shrugged. "Sorry, Bells."

Chuckling, we both looked back at Quil, who stood there with a confused expression on his face. "What? What'd I miss?"

"Nothing, man," Embry said as he took a couple steps forward, clapping his friend on the shoulder as he passed. "Now how about this game?"

With that, he broke into a jog to join Paul, Jared, Seth and Leah, who also had joined the others. All of them were still engrossed in a very physical game of touch football. I winced as I watched Paul clothesline Jared as he ran the ball, causing Jared's feet to come out from under him as his back hit the ground with a sickening thud. Jared, however, simply grinned and jumped to his feet, brushing the sand off his t-shirt and cut-offs. I could hear him yelling a string of profanities in Paul's direction as he took off down the beach to join the others.

Quil's eyes widened as he walked backward. "Wanna play?"

I raised my eyebrows. "You're joking, right?"

"Bella, I already told you – I never kid," he smirked. "Last chance..."

Holding up one hand in front of me, I shook my head. "I'll pass, thanks."

"Okay, you're loss." With that, it was Quil's turn to take off back toward the game. He threw one last glance over his shoulder as he did. "If you change your mind, let me know!"

"Not likely!" I called back, smiling and shaking my head as I watched Quil retreat down the beach.

As the guys played football, I stayed busy assisting Emily and Kim with the finishing touches on our dinner spread. For being an "impromptu bonfire", as Embry called it, the amount of food Emily was able to prepare in such a short amount of time was insane. I marveled at the variety of salads, fried chicken, barbecue ribs, cornbread and pies laid out for our selection. When I asked Emily where she found time to finish it all, she just smiled and said she already had a lot of it "lying around."

About a half hour after we got there and once the three of us filled our plates, Emily called to the others to come eat. I was thankful we were allowed through the line first, because the onslaught that ensued once the guys were permitted to come eat was curiously reminiscent of the night we all packed into the Blacks' kitchen, our hearts heavy with the loss of Billy and our minds lingering on the whereabouts of one specific pack member.

Tonight, the mood was much more jovial. I was grateful for that. It made it easier for me to focus on the things I should be thankful for, including this large surrogate family. At the same time, though, it was slightly unsettling. Everything about the atmosphere, the words exchanged and the overall tone of our gathering made it seem as if life had indeed moved on for everyone here. No one seemed to bat an eye at the missing presence I was trying so hard not to feel.

I wasn't sure how it could be so easy for them. Inwardly, it upset me, but I tried to push it to the back of my mind as I found a seat next to Emily on one of the many logs surrounding the bonfire.

I chewed thoughtfully on a bite of fried chicken as I watched the others spread out in a loose circle around the fire. Leah sat near Seth, who was having a conversation with Paul and Jared. A few feet away, Quil and Embry were laughing loudly at something only known to them as Sam stood next to them, also smiling as I realized he must have been privy to the joke. I was interrupted only by Kim who collapsed on the sand about two feet from me, crossing her legs under her and resting her plate precariously on her lap. She smiled at me as she realized I was watching her.

I managed my best smile back as I reached down and retrieved the bottle of water resting between my feet. As soon as I unscrewed the lid and took a sip, Emily chose that moment to strike up her own conversation.

"So, Bella, is there something going on with you and Embry?"

I almost spit my drink of water all over myself as the ridiculous words fell from her mouth. Forcing myself to swallow, I coughed a few times as Emily and Kim both stopped mid-chew and looked at me, wide-eyed and expectant.

Wiping my mouth with the back of my hand, I gaped at Emily in disbelief. "Nothing is going on with me and Embry," I hissed quietly. "Emily, how can you even say that?"

An astonished look rippled across Emily's face. Out of everyone who'd given Embry and I a suspicious look when we arrived at the bonfire, Emily hadn't been one of them. To say her sudden, brutally honest question surprised me would have been an understatement.

"Bella, I wasn't insinuating anything – I was simply curious." She carefully set her fork on her plate before glancing at me once again. "You two have just been spending a lot of time together, and I noticed is all. It was just a question."

Casting a look toward Kim, who suddenly looked like she was hanging on every word that had been said or was about to be said, I glanced back at Emily with wide eyes. "Nothing is going on," I explained, almost whispering for fear of the numerous pairs of super ears surround us. "We're friends, that's all. He's been a great friend to me since..." I stopped to swallow and take a deep breath. "...since Jacob left."

Emily smiled warmly, her features taking on an apologetic tone as it became obvious to her she had crossed into unwelcome territory with her question. I wasn't ashamed of my friendship with Embry, but I didn't want it to be misconstrued as anything more than that.

"I'm sorry, Bella," Emily murmured. "Usually I'm pretty good about keeping annoying questions like that to myself, but I guess I couldn't help it this time. You can always be honest with me, you know that, right?" Her eyes bore into mine, as if they were trying to convey the sincerity behind her statement.

Confused as to why she thought it was necessary, I nodded. "I know, Emily – thanks."

Emily let the subject drop and I methodically picked up my piece of chicken, continuing to pick at it. However, only a few moments of silence elapsed between the time we continued to eat and when Kim decided to ask some of her own pressing questions, ones I should have been expecting since I hadn't seen her since before Jacob left.

"So how have you been, Bella?" she asked, again looking at me with wide, curious eyes.

I sighed. I'd never been Kim's biggest fan. She was nice and, for the most part, she meant well, but there was something about her that always seemed to rub me the wrong way. Maybe it was because she was only 17 and was still very much attached to her naïve, teenage attitude. Jacob always described her as not being the "brightest bulb in the box", and his assessment had never been very far from the truth. We tolerated her, though, and I was always nice to her. She was Jared's imprint, therefore a permanent fixture in this family.

"I've been doing alright," I replied, finally taking a bite of my chicken.

"Girl, you're so brave," she exclaimed. "I'll tell you what, if Jared ever pulled the shit Jacob did, I'd hunt him down just so I could tear his balls off and roast them over one of these bonfires."

The image of Kim, who wasn't much bigger than me, emasculating Jared with her tiny, ineffectual hands brought an awkward smile to my face, despite my prickly attitude toward her question.

"There's a part of me that would like to do that to Jacob, too," I replied, trying to lighten the mood with my response.

Both Emily and Kim laughed as I pushed my potato salad around my plate with my fork.

"I could never do that, though," Kim continued. "That really wouldn't be conducive all the things I enjoy most about that certain part of his anatomy." Kim wagged her eyebrows as she popped her own fork in her mouth, taking a moment to lick the remnants of her own potato salad from it.

If I could have vomited a little in my mouth at that point, I would have.

"Know what I mean, Bella?" she continued, oblivious to the disgusted look I was certain rested on my face.

"No, Kim, I don't know what you mean."

"Kim..." Emily's tone came through as a warning to me, but the dense girl sitting next to my feet was still painfully clueless.

Kim's one-track mind was displayed in her eyes for the entire world to see. "Wait? So you're telling me you and Jacob never... _did it_?"

With an annoyed sigh, I shook my head. Automatically, my mind floated back to all the times we almost "did it", in Kim's not-so-eloquent words. One in particular surfaced among all the others as I was taken back to the night I'd last seen Jacob, to a night that seemed like decades ago, a night that I pushed him away when he needed me most...

_I fisted Jacob's hair and pulled again, but he didn't budge. When I tugged a third time, an irritated growl erupted from his mouth, the vibration from the noise causing me to shudder as the sensation spread like wildfire through my nerves. I could feel the fire in my cheeks as it spread down my neck and fanned out across my chest. "Jake, please…stop…" The words came out in a throaty plea, the sound mixed with desire and uncertainty._

_Jacob's mouth finally came to a rest and he looked up at me, licking his lips. My stomach tightened and even in the dark, the look in his eyes was unmistakable. "Bella, please," he whispered. His voice shook when he said it as did my adamant belief that I didn't want our first time to happen like this. "I need this – I need you."_

" _Jake," I pleaded, looking down at him through hooded eyes. "Not now. Not like this."_

I shook my head to banish every trace of the painful memory. I wanted to hit Kim. I wasn't a violent person, but in that moment, I wanted to smack the deer-in-the-headlights look off her pretty little russet face.

When Kim chuckled, I swear my blood boiled. I knew she wasn't trying to be cruel; she wasn't around me enough to know what I could and couldn't handle. I kept my cool façade, though, determined not to let it unhinge me.

But Kim's next words pierced through my determination, causing it to crumble as my heart wrenched, my stomach churned and the lump flared all in one fell swoop.

"Huh. Maybe that's why he left?"

_Kim – one, Bella's newfound strength – zero._

"KIMBERLY!" Emily's voice was sharp and dripped with admonishment. I managed to peer at her out of the corner of my eye and her scarred features were wrinkled in anger and disappointment. Emily's tone also caused every other pack member to look up, and they were now eyeing us with their own versions of curiosity, bewilderment and concern.

"What?" Kim exclaimed, looking between Emily and I with frantic eyes. "Bella, it was a joke. Bella, sweetie, I didn't mean it. I was kidding."

Staring at my shoes, I concentrated on pushing the lump back to its hiding place despite the fact my stomach still rolled. I might not have known Kim very well, but I knew she wasn't a vindictive person. I knew she didn't get her kicks by tormenting others. There really was only one person here who enjoyed that and she was sitting on the opposite side of the bonfire.

It was enough, though. Kim's lack of filter and awareness of her surroundings went straight for the gut and planted a seed of doubt in the depths of my mind, a seed I'd never even considered until this point.

_Was that one of the reasons Jacob left? Was I really the last straw that pushed him out of our lives?_

It couldn't have been – I knew Jacob better than that.

At the same time, the sudden doubt was still there and rested bitterly, just barely out of view, on the edges of my mind.

"That's a pretty cruel thing to joke about it, Kim," I choked out through my resolve.

Kim placed a hand on my knee, and I could see her eyes filling with regretful tears. "Bella, I'm sorry. You know I didn't mean it. I thought it was funny, but you know I don't think sometimes. Please don't be mad. Please?"

In this specific case, I could feel my walls go up as I realized Kim wasn't someone I could or would ever trust with the most personal aspects of my life. "Kim, it's okay – I'm not mad at you."

Kim breathed a huge sigh, immediately taking me at my word as I watched the relief spread across her face. "I'm so sorry, Bella," she repeated. "It was stupid."

"It's okay," I repeated. At the same time, I could feel my efforts – coupled with the deep breaths I was taking – curb the gnawing in my stomach as a slight semblance of peace and strength returned to me. I wasn't going to do this now.

_I'm not going to let this ruin how far I've come._

As I felt Emily's hand rub up and down my back a couple times, I scanned the others as they watched, slowly turning back to their dinners after waiting for a breakdown that never came. My eyes only rested when I met Embry's as the peace inside me became tangible. I smiled at him, mostly to reassure him I was alright and there was nothing to worry about.

When he smiled back, I reminded myself again.

_I'm not going to let this ruin how far I've come._

* * *

Two hours later, the sun sank below the horizon and the beach was now bathed in moonlight and the soft, warm glow of the flames licking across the tinder stacked high in the bonfire.

Most of the pack was still scattered somewhere on the beach. I hadn't moved from my place on the log where I ate dinner, but Emily and Kim now sat on the other side of the fire where Kim was discussing her "hopes and dreams for her senior year of high school." Leah had cut out not long after dinner, Sam and Paul had left to run a quick patrol, and Quil, Embry, Seth and Jared had returned to the lower beach to continue their football game. I, on the other hand, was left alone to my thoughts and to savor the warm, August winds blowing in from the ocean.

After awhile, though, I felt the need to stretch my legs and get some air. Removing my shoes, I stood and stretched, doing my best to smile at Emily when she noticed me move. "I'll be back," I murmured. "I'm just going to take a walk down the beach."

Emily nodded, smiling in return. "Okay, Bella."

Turning, I made my way down the rough sand toward the shore line, careful not to step on any of the glaringly large rocks I could see in my path, thanks to the brilliant moonlight filtering down from the almost cloudless sky.

As I walked by the guys playing football, my path crossed Embry's as he jogged backwards, effortlessly catching a ball thrown by Seth, who was a good twenty yards down the beach. He grinned at me when he saw me approaching the group.

"Hey, Bells. Where you running off to?"

I nodded down the beach. "Going for a walk."

"Huh," Embry replied, propping the football between his arm and hip despite Quil's cries, antagonizing him to throw the ball. "That sounds nice. Want some company?"

The smile I gave him was all the answer he needed. "Sure," I replied.

"Great!" He exclaimed, turning back to the guys. "Quit your bitching, Ateara, and go long!" After a few moments elapsed, Embry's face screwed up in concentration as he pulled his arm back and snapped it forward, the ball arcing high before it disappeared into the darkness.

"Can you even see that?" I quipped.

Embry gave me a toothy grin as he pointed toward his eyes. "It's a wolf thing, remember?"

I rolled my eyes as I resumed walking, his eyes following mine as I did. "It's always a wolf thing with you guys."

As we walked, it turned out Embry was a pretty good walking partner, especially considering the fact I'd fled the bonfire to get some distance from it, if only for a few minutes. At times, I forgot he was even there at all. As I walked quietly down First Beach, he was a couple feet up in the sand, trailing a few steps behind me in order to give me the space he assumed I desired. I stopped only for a moment to hike up my pant legs in order to walk in the lukewarm surf where the water met the beach.

I'm not sure how far we walked, but I think Embry also sensed I needed a little quiet time. Despite me agreeing to his company, he didn't want to intrude on my peace, so when I didn't speak, Embry also didn't try to make conversation. Instead, all we could hear was each other's soft footsteps in the sand and the sound of the ocean waves dancing toward land.

Finally, I stopped. Out of the corner of my eye, I also saw Embry cease his steps. With a ragged sigh, I tilted my head back to look at the sky. The day's earlier rain clouds had completely dissipated, revealing a vast, brilliantly lit night sky. I felt like I could stand there forever and allow myself to get lost in its beauty. I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen so many stars. Better yet, I couldn't remember the last time I'd stopped to look.

The best part was it felt so far away from everything – all the memories, all the sympathetic stares and all the things that sometimes made it difficult to see myself moving past okay.

"It's so beautiful tonight," I said, the first one to break the silence penetrated only by the sound of the ocean lapping at the shore.

"Yeah, it is," Embry responded quietly, casting a quick glance at the sky before his gaze fell back to me. A contemplative and curious look crossed his face. "You having fun?"

Letting my eyes fall back to the earth and land on him, I smiled. "Of course," I assured him. It wasn't a lie, despite the one portion of the night proving difficult. "It's always a riot when the entire pack gets together."

Embry laughed. "We feed off each other's immaturity." Smiling at me, he continued. "You wanna start walking back or keep going that way?" He asked, looking back toward the general direction of the bonfire before pointing to the beach in front of us.

I wrinkled my nose. "Can we just stay here for a minute? I like it here."

"Sure," Embry agreed, his features soft in the moonlight. "What do you want to do?"

I grinned and hitched my thumbs in my pockets. "Astronomy lesson? I could point out the constellations and tell you which ones are which."

Embry let a playful scoff escape his lips. "We could do that," he murmured, but I didn't see the mischievous glint in his eyes. "Or we could go swimming."

I could feel my eyes widen as my gaze snapped to him. "Swimming? Embry, we are NOT swimming."

Embry gave me a fake pout. "No swimming? Why?"

"Because the water is cold!"

The pout turned into a full-fledged frown. "It is not cold. It's the middle of August, Bells."

"Says the 109-degree werewolf." When Embry rolled his eyes, I realized my justification wasn't going to be enough. "And plus, if we go back to the bonfire all wet, what are the others going to say?"

Embry scrunched up his face. "Who cares what the others say? They'll probably just be mad we went swimming without them."

My mouth fell open but no words came out. "Embry, we are not swimming," I repeated.

"You said that already."

"Shut up."

A wicked grin spread across Embry's lips as he looked at no one in particular. "I could always make you, you know."

"Make me?" I blinked at him stupidly.

"Yeah." One eyebrow cocked. "All I gotta do is get you over my shoulder and I could throw you in. Then you might as well go swimming because you'd already be wet."

"You wouldn't."

"Is that a bet, Swan?"

A nervous grin spread across my face as I saw what Embry was plotting – it was all over his face. "Embry, no! Absolutely not!" I held my hands out in front of me defensively as he crouched slightly, an evil smile spreading across his lips as he started toward me. "No! Embry! I swear to you and everything that is holy, if you throw me in this water – "

"You'll do what?" He suddenly stopped and stood erect, hands on his hips as he raised one skeptical eyebrow in my direction.

"Umm," I stammered. "I will never cook you or the pack dinner ever again!" Despite the fact I couldn't remember the last time I'd made them dinner, I stamped my foot into the sand for added emphasis.

Embry chewed on this for a moment. "I can live with that."

And he was back on his mission.

I backed up, arms outstretched, waving my hands frantically as if it would fend him off. "Seriously, Embry! Do not even joke about this!" He was in the surf now and was circling me, looking for the right angle at which to attack. I could see the playful sparks in his eyes and I knew he wasn't going to hurt me, but that did not mean I wanted to take an involuntary dip in the Pacific.

He was now further in the water than I was and my back faced the shore. I should have turned to run, but he would have caught me before I made it out of the surf. That much I knew was a certainty. "See? You shoulda just said yes," he taunted.

And he struck.

I wasn't entirely sure how it happened or how I managed to pull it off. As Embry lunged at me with every intention of scooping me over his shoulder, I stepped out of the way. He missed me completely and with all the speed he put into the attack, it sent him straight into the sand while I stood there, completely unfazed.

I spun around in shock as Embry rolled over onto his back. His face was disgruntled as he wiped sand off it and shook out his hair, more sand falling back to its place on the beach.

My hands flew to my mouth. "Oh, my god! I'm so sorry! Are you hurt?"

Embry looked up at me, one eyebrow cocked and a smile pulling on the corners of his lips. "Other than my ego? I'm fine."

A loud laugh escaped my throat as I looked at him lying defeated in the sand. Deciding to play coy right back, I crossed my arms against my chest. "So what exactly were the terms of this bet, Mr. Call?"

He rolled his eyes and shook his head, chuckling to himself. "You got lucky, and I think you got your reward seeing me face plant in the sand. That will never happen again."

"Uh-huh," I replied sarcastically, raising my eyebrows. "So much for your super wolfy dexterity and coordination."

He sighed. "Rub it in," he said with a laugh. After a couple moments, his arm outstretched, fingers motioning for me to help him up. I chuckled and walked over to him, taking his hand in mine.

I went to pull him up but instead he pulled first and I tumbled to the sand on top of him. "Oomph!" I landed with a grunt, my body connecting with his solid chest. Realizing quickly the awkwardness of the position we were now in, I shot as menacing of a gaze at him as I could muster. He was grinning like a fool, though, his arms now crossed behind his head. I couldn't help but smile when I saw the playful look on his face.

My hands and knees found solid ground and I rose up on them, my arms on either side of Embry's body, who still lay on his back in the sand. My hair fell around my shoulders, the ends grazing Embry's chest. "Well, are you happy now? I think you got your revenge."

Embry smirked. "Yeah, that was pretty perfect."

Rolling my eyes and laughing, I rocked back onto my knees, offering my hand to Embry once more. He took it, being careful not to abuse my trust this time as he sat up, reaching behind him and brushing the sand from his back. I crawled a few feet before I dropped into a sitting position beside him.

Draping his left arm across his knees, Embry looked at me as I stared out across the glass surface of the ocean. "So do you wanna talk about what happened with Kim earlier?"

Chuckling, I shook my head, remembering the nature of the conversation. "No, not really."

"Do you need me to have Jared rough her up a little bit?" Embry joked.

I scoffed. "From the sounds of it, she'd probably enjoy it."

Embry grimaced, but it didn't lessen the smile on his face. "Yeah, you're probably right." Cocking his head to look at me, his smile faded slightly. "So you're alright? I worry about you sometimes, Bells. Some days it seems you're doing really good and then other times, like tonight at dinner? Not so much."

"I'm okay, Embry – really," I murmured, nudging him softly with my shoulder. I didn't want him to worry about me. It wasn't his job to care for me. I wanted him there, next to me as my friend, but I didn't want him to worry. "I think I'm finally getting to a good spot where I'm not going to break each time someone asks me how I'm doing."

"That's good to hear, Bella," Embry murmured before he looked back out at the night sky. "Remember what I said, though. I'm here for you – you just say the words." He paused as another grin overtook his face. "If Jared won't do it, I'll bet Emily will. She sounded like she was ready to pound Kim tonight."

"You just keep doing what you're doing," I assured him, laughing as Embry's grin widened. "People just need to start taking a hint from you," I continued, gently nudging him with my shoulder. "You're a big part of why I am where I am right now. You know that, right?"

Embry's grin relaxed into his trademark, crooked smile as he gazed down at the sand. "It's like I always say, Bells – it's just who I am. I wouldn't do anything differently, even if I had the chance."

I studied him as he sat there in the sand next to me, the smile still resting on my lips. "Good," I said quietly. "Because I don't think you know how thankful I am for you, Embry."

My words caused him to tear his eyes away from the sand and find mine as I watched him. Despite the swirling of emotions in his eyes, there was more to say, more he needed to know, although I couldn't explain why the need to tell him was so urgent.

"No one else really understands me, Em. They don't get me – you do, though." For just a moment, I peered down and located his hand, moving mine slowly forward until it covered his. "I don't know what I'd do without you right now," I continued, almost inaudibly. "Sometimes I feel like you're the only thing that makes me feel _happy_."

I couldn't comprehend the look that passed across Embry's features in that moment. I didn't care, though. After everything that happened with Kim, I wanted him to know he was the one person I truly trusted with everything inside me, the only person who seemed to know the right way to help me on my bumpy road toward achieving a normal, happy life. He had to know how much I valued it and how much I didn't want him to stop being who he was.

Embry's face was suddenly conflicted, yet it exuded contentment as he returned my gaze. The intense look in his eyes made it difficult for me to look away, but the warmth it sent coursing through me was infectious. I refused to look away as I reveled in it.

A few moments passed before Embry lifted his free arm. As he reached up, I could only watch, paralyzed, as his hand approached my face. My breath hitched as he slowly grazed the skin near my temple with his fingers, brushing a strand of my hair from my forehead as he carefully tucked it behind my ear. He let his fingers linger there for a moment before he trailed them down the skin on my neck.

In that second, I'd forgotten how to breathe. This wasn't what I meant. This wasn't supposed to happen. Despite the thoughts of protest racing through my muddled brain, the intense feeling rushing through every vein in my body didn't allow the thoughts to form words. The feeling only intensified as my pounding heart forbid me to move.

"You make me happy, too, Bella."

The words carried a different weight and meaning when he spoke them, implications I wasn't expecting. They worked their way into my mind and traveled to my heart, squeezing it tight as I looked into his eyes. I could still feel his hand on my neck as it took a huge chance by remaining there. I felt like his hands were weighing me down, the words he spoke pulling at me desperately. I felt like I should move, but I remained frozen in place, in fear as well as in protest.

My eyes still watched him, though. I could not avert them, no matter how much my brain told me to look away. I was completely losing myself in the moment as I studied his face, the expression on it, and the dark eyes swirling with a million thoughts. In this moment, there was only one thing I knew for sure.

In the moonlight, he was beautiful. It was like I'd never _seen_ him until this moment.

I didn't have to move. Embry did it for me as he leaned forward, softly and hesitantly pressing his lips to mine. I should have pushed him away, but I didn't. I _couldn't._ My body felt like stone, forbidding me to budge a single inch. I remained stoic as Embry lingered, my lips refusing to bend or reciprocate.

However, it only took a second for Embry to invade my senses. His smell, the way his lips tasted sweet on mine, his mere presence – a presence I associated with comfort and happiness – had a small part of me wanting more.

And another small part of me wanted to feel _him_.

My heart leapt into my throat and my head was screaming as I found my lips pressing back.

It only took a moment for him to relax as his soft lips molded to mine. I felt the hand that was on my neck cup my face, his fingers now intertwined in my hair, while the other held on to mine where it rested on the sand. I could feel his hot breath on my lips as he pulled away for a fraction of a second before recapturing my mouth with a need, an intensity that startled me.

It would have been easy to lose myself in this new mindset, this part of Embry I wasn't used to, but I barely gave myself a second to enjoy it and savor the completely new feelings enveloping me before the doubt crept in. Little by little, I remembered these weren't the lips I was used to kissing, these weren't the lips I wanted. This wasn't the person I wanted. Not like this.

_Was it?_

It didn't matter. The doubt was enough to be my undoing. My heart wrenched in my chest as everything crashed down around me. The reasons and the circumstances leading us to this point flooded my mind, suddenly causing me to be painfully aware of what exactly I was doing.

Planting my hand on Embry's chest, I pushed him away as hard as I could. I ignored the shocked, confused look on his face as my hand moved to my mouth. My fingers traced my lips in disbelief, which still tingled from the kiss.

I could feel the tears burning the corners of my eyes. Ashamed, I looked away from Embry and let my hand drop as I scrambled to my feet, walking a few feet away from him as I rubbed my temples with my fingers, trying to clear the mess inside my head.

"Bella."

His voice, filled with an impossible mix of apology and certainty, was all the permission my tears needed to escape as they left hot trails down my cheeks.

"Bella," he repeated quietly, so much so I could barely hear him over the sound of the ocean waves crashing against the shore. "I'm sorry."

Swiping the tears away from my cheeks, I refused to turn and look at him. If I did, I couldn't be certain of the outcome. I wasn't certain my resolve or the sudden feelings of betrayal could survive it.

Crossing my arms tightly in front of me, I gave him only a few words before I started back toward the bonfire.

"Just take me home."

* * *


	14. Choices

_**Suggested Listening: "Frozen Creek" by Circa Survive, "Right Outside" by Anthony Green, "Can't Take My Eyes Off of You" by the Cary Brothers, "Distractions" by Sia (live version)** _

**Embry POV**

In the almost 18 years of my life, I was never the person who made rash, irresponsible decisions.

In fact, it was kind of the opposite.

People trusted my judgment. They trusted me to make the practical choices. It's because I had to grow up before I should have been expected to. That's what happens when your raised by just your mom, when she's never home because she's always working and you're left to take care of the house, to take care of her. That's what happens when you become the man of the house about the same time you learned to walk.

It didn't always make sense to me, but people have always trusted me to guide them, to be there and make sure everything goes the way it should. I was reliable, a logical choice to shoulder responsibility, according to many people in my life. They never asked – they just assumed I would handle whatever it was they asked of me. Usually, I did. I didn't complain much. That wasn't in my nature either.

I was the person Sam came to when everyone else wasn't paying attention, the one he asked when he needed a second opinion on a decision that had him on the fence. Paul was too volatile, and Jared and Quil never took anything seriously. Seth was too young, and Leah? Well, Sam usually just tried to avoid Leah whenever he could.

The only other person Sam trusted to that point, the only other person he asked for such advice, was Jacob.

But he wasn't around anymore.

Now it was just me, carrying again a heavier load than I should have. But still, I didn't complain. In this case, I didn't want to as I slowly walked up First Beach, watching the back of her head bob back and forth as she took turns looking in front of her and at the sand, making it a point to stay at least six steps ahead of me, although I could have caught up with her if I really wanted to.

No, I wouldn't complain, because now, it was all I still had going for me.

All those other things? I didn't feel any of those things anymore.

I didn't feel responsible. I didn't feel reliable. I sure as hell didn't fell logical. All of that disappeared with one action, an unexplainable kiss accompanied by feelings even _more_ unexplainable.

I wasn't sure what happened. I couldn't explain that either. All I knew was sitting there on the beach, next to Bella, watching a million different emotions pass through her eyes as she looked at me, listening to the words she spoke directed at me and no one else, something shifted. Maybe shifted wasn't the right word – something changed, something became blatantly clear. Almost like clouds parted, like I was seeing her through eyes I never knew I possessed.

And when I kissed her I knew it was wrong, but I wanted to feel what she was feeling, the happiness and trust she was describing. Maybe it wasn't the best way, but my sudden bout of clarity had me leaning forward and, as I watched her eyes widen by such a tiny amount, I could not stop.

I could _not_ _stop_.

And I knew I shouldn't have done it the moment my lips touched hers. When she didn't move, when she froze against me, the regret and the fear shot furiously through me – so much so, I almost pulled away.

Almost.

It wasn't until I was about to, it wasn't until I was about to do everything in my power to convince her to let me take it back – her friendship was too important to me, her presence too important – that her lips finally moved against mine.

And everything shifted again. Everything _changed_ again.

I'd kissed girls before. I'd done more than kiss girls before – not many times, times only a few members of the pack knew about thanks to my own strenuous mental efforts – but it was enough to know what it did to me. And nothing before now ever brought out those kinds of feelings from me. In that split second, Bella's warmth, her hopes, her fears – everything I'd been carefully fighting to draw from her the second Jake left came pouring from her in a single movement of her mouth, in the feel of her blazing skin under my hand and in the way her hand squeezed my fingers without even realizing it.

But she did pull away. I wasn't surprised. Honestly, I was a little shocked she let it continue as long as she did, that _I_ let it continue as long as I did. In the two years I'd known Bella, I knew she was prone to overreaction, to overthinking things, and as soon as she jumped to her feet, the breath leaving her in stressed gasps, I knew that's exactly what she was doing.

And I couldn't blame her this time. I was doing it, too.

Despite everything, there was one little fact on the forefront of both our minds. Not a fact as much as a name.

Jacob.

I kissed Bella. I kissed the one person I always knew Jake loved so much he'd willingly put his life on the line for her time and time again, the person he rarely could go twenty seconds without thinking about. Yeah, that was me now – I was _that_ guy. I was the guy who kissed his best friend's girl, the guy who knew it shouldn't have happened but enjoyed it anyway.

I could feel the guilt set in the moment she pulled away, the feeling I knew I'd feel had the situation been reversed and it were Jake in my shoes.

But it wasn't Jake in my shoes. And Jake wasn't here. He left. He willingly walked away from everything – from us and from her.

Still, the guilt and an unfamiliar feeling collided. I could feel the _want_ mingling with the slight traces of regret. The reality of what got us here and what just happened became a poisonous mix as we bypassed the bonfire and made our way toward the tree line, back to where the truck was waiting.

Bella still wasn't past losing Jake. She loved him, and I knew better than anyone right now the latent hope she held for him coming back. Hell, I hoped the same thing each day for the past two months. At this point, if she turned around, pointed her finger in my face and told me to beat it, I would do it. I wouldn't blame her there either.

But at the same time, had she done it, it would have taken everything in my power, every ounce of reserve in me, to not kiss her again.

I couldn't think as we made our way through the trees. I felt like it was crushing me. What was right, at least at this point, and what I suddenly found myself wanting weren't agreeing with each other. Our friendship, our innocent affection we felt toward one another was now a blurry mess of grey. There wasn't going to be an easy way out of any of this, there wasn't going to be a simple choice to make. In just a few moments, we'd already done too much.

I saw it all as we approached the truck, laid out before me in neat little rows – Bella, Jake, Billy's death, the look on Bella's face when he locked her out of the house that night, her tears when he left, the helplessness we both felt in the weeks after, the kiss we shared. It all weighed on me, everything I'd held in the past two months, reminding me of everything the choice could possibly affect.

As I reached the driver's side door, for the first time since I kissed her, Bella allowed my eyes to catch hers. The look in them mirrored everything passing through my head, causing my shoulders to slump and my stomach to wrench as they pleaded with me to make this easier on her, to take it back, despite the small flare in her eyes begging me not to.

_Fuck._

She tore her gaze away before I could speak a word, only to swiftly disappear into the truck.

Before I followed, I took a moment, letting my hand rest on the door handle and allowing the other to ball into a shaky fist, bringing it to my mouth as I fought back the urge to turn around, head for the tree line and phase. Running away wasn't going to solve anything, running away wasn't going to make this knotted mess in my head go away or provide a magical solution for what just happened.

If there was anything I'd learned in the past two months, running away wasn't the answer. It didn't make anything easier, because everything you run from is right where you leave it when you get back.

At least that's how it usually worked.

Suddenly, in my case – in Bella's case – I wasn't so sure it would be.

With a ragged sigh, I let my hand drop and opened the door to my truck, letting myself slide wordlessly behind the wheel.

It was all becoming too much.

* * *

**Bella POV**

The half-mile ride back to the house was silent, but the drive – which only took a couple minutes – seemed to stretch on forever.

I played it back in mind, every single moment leading up to this kiss, every second during and even the brief moments after. I couldn't make sense of any of it, though. Where had I gone wrong? What the hell did I say to make him think it was okay to kiss me?

And why, above all else, was there a part of me that _felt it_ through every single square inch of my body?

I resisted the sudden urge to hit my head against the truck window in an effort to clear it, opting instead to let it rest against the glass with a soft thud as I watched the dark trees rush by. The conflict was there and it was more prevalent than the breaths I took. There was one question, though – a question flashing brighter than the others in the swirls of confusion.

_How had I missed this?_

In the past two months, I was thankful for Embry's friendship. I had grown to care about him and realize what a strong presence he had in my life, even before everything went wrong, before our lives took such a drastic turn. I'd never noticed before, but he'd always been there for me as a friend, watching over me, figuring me out even before our worlds careened horribly into a place we no longer recognized.

Only in the past couple months did the friendship get a chance to bloom, to turn into a relationship we both valued. I hated how it happened, and how it may have never happened had things not played out the way they did, but that much I couldn't change, no matter how much I wished I could. I never questioned the friendship's validity, and I never once thought there was more to it than what appeared on the surface. I never second-guessed my attachment to him and how hopeful I felt – how _happy_ I felt – when Embry was around.

But somewhere along the way, I got lost. Somewhere in the middle of all this – or perhaps it was only a few minutes ago on the beach – I became confused.

Somewhere, somehow, I missed something.

And now I couldn't make heads or tails of what I was supposed to do next. A part of me couldn't shake off the guilt-ridden thought pounding inside my head, screaming at me, telling me the kiss shouldn't have happened – not now, not like this, and certainly not under these circumstances. I wasn't ready.

I wasn't ready because I still loved Jacob. The aching in the pit of my stomach proved it, and so did the betrayal I felt toward him when I pushed Embry away. Without the closure I so desperately craved, a huge part of me still grasped to the hope that one day soon, he would come home and I would be here, waiting for him.

I knew something else, though, and it was as equally tangible as I heard the deep, concentrated breaths coming from the driver's side of the truck, even though I refused to look at him. A part of me wanted to know how Embry felt and why he did it. A part of me wanted him to help me figure out why there was a part of _me_ that caught fire when he kissed me, a part almost completely hidden under the instant reaction of shame and remorse.

But I was pretty sure I was ready for the answers to those questions either.

I felt like I was choking on the thick tension in the cab of Embry's truck. I could feel myself shutting down, sealing out everything else, as it became clear neither of us wanted to be the first to relieve the pressure. It only grew worse as he pulled into the driveway of the little red house, letting it amble past the house before it rolled to a stop halfway between it and the garage.

With a barely audible sigh, Embry silently slipped the truck into park, leaving his hand on the shifter, the other resting on the steering wheel. He didn't look at me; instead, he kept his eyes focused on something outside as he stared through the windshield.

My fingers found the door handle, but I couldn't bring them to let me out of the truck. Despite the warring thoughts in my head, a part of me felt like we shouldn't leave things like this.

Apparently, Embry had the same idea.

With a sigh, he finally spoke. "So are we going to talk about this?"

But despite my earlier thought, I instantly felt the seal secure, doing everything in its power to keep Embry out and my massive mess of feelings in.

"What's there to talk about it? You kissed me, Embry – it shouldn't have happened."

I could see his chest rise and fall with labored breaths as he bit his lower lip. Finally, he ripped his eyes away from the windshield and looked at me. The intensity in them, the struggle, held enough weight I could almost feel my barriers crumble beneath it.

"It shouldn't?" was all he managed to choke out.

Averting my eyes, I stared at anything else within my line of sight, things that wouldn't cause me to break. I didn't want to admit to him the small part of me that felt something other than self-reproach and regret when he kissed me.

Whether or not I admitted it, in that moment, I wasn't certain it would change anything.

"No..."

Embry nodded aimlessly as he once again peered out the window. "Bella, I'm sorry for kissing you," he murmured, more toward the pane of glass than me. The words didn't sound sincere, but I knew there was at least a part of him that meant them. "If you want my apology – again – there it is. I wish I could explain to you why I did, but I'm still not sure I know myself."

"That makes two of us," I agreed softly, earning myself another tortured look from Embry. I could see it in my peripheral vision, but I pretended I didn't notice.

Several agonizingly long seconds passed before Embry broke the silence with his soft voice.

"I need some air..."

My mouth dropping open slightly, I looked over and watched Embry throw open the driver's side door, scrambling quickly from his seat and slamming the door behind him, leaving me alone in the cab of the truck.

My lips still parted in dismay, I did the only thing I could think of and the one thing I probably shouldn't have done – I followed him.

Embry was standing several feet in front of the truck, facing the garage but away from me. His hands were shoved in his pockets and he was nervously shuffling his weight from one foot to the other. As I shut the truck door behind me, I could feel the sprinkles of rain starting to fall from the sky. For a moment, I looked up, realizing the crystal clear expanse from earlier was nowhere to be found and was now threatening to downpour at any minute.

"Embry..." I approached him quietly from behind. I didn't want him to think I was angry with him, because I wasn't. I didn't want him to be upset. "I'm sorry, I just don't know what you want me to say."

I heard him sigh as he finally turned to face me, letting his hands fall from his pockets. The disputed, heavy look on his features tore at my insides. "We can't run from this, Bella."

Blinking stupidly in his direction, my mouth fell open again. "Is that what you think I'm doing?"

_That's exactly what you're doing. Shutting yourself off, running away._

_Same difference._

Embry shook his head as his gaze fell toward the ground. "I didn't say that." After a moment, his stare rose again and caught mine. His eyes were dark and pleading with me. "But we can't act like it didn't happen, that it didn't mean something to both of us."

"It _didn't_ mean anything..." I whispered automatically, my voice almost inaudible.

Embry closed his eyes and he heaved another deep sigh. "Bella..."

He knew something. He'd seen something, and now he was trying to drag it out of me. He was fishing for something beneath the seal I wasn't sure I could give him. "What do you want me to say?" I exclaimed, finally responding to him. "Do you want me tell you it should've happened? Do you want me to tell you it's what I wanted?"

Embry's shoulders rose and fell as he watched me. " _Did_ you want it?"

I froze, not expecting him to so blatantly ask me the one question I feared. "What?"

"Did you want it?"

I scoffed, despite the nagging in my head reminding me there was a part of me that did, a part of me that leaned in when he did, a part of me that felt it completely. "It doesn't matter what I want, Embry," I muttered. "What I want is to not be in this situation. What I want is to go back two months and keep any of this from happening."

"Bella, I'm not asking what you want out of the past. I'm asking what you want right now."

My eyes flitted anxiously between Embry and invisible tree line, impossible to see through the darkness and light rain falling from the clouds. "I don't know," I whispered.

"Bella..."

"Embry, I don't know!"

But I knew what I wanted; I just couldn't say it out loud because when I put the words together, none of them made sense. I wanted to go back and figure out how this happened. I wanted Jacob to come home. Better yet, I wanted to go back to the last night I saw him and make sure he never left at all. And as I watched Embry, I wanted to make sure he'd still be around in the morning. I wanted to know what happened didn't ruin everything.

Another part of me wanted to know what it would feel like to kiss him again...

There was no way to tell him that, though, without it coming out all wrong.

"Bella." Embry's voice interrupted my thoughts. "I know it's confusing as hell, but all you have to do is tell me what you want _me_ to do. That part should be easy..."

I put my hand up to stop him, aggravated in the face of his persistence. "Easy?" I exclaimed, my hands moving to my face in frustration. "You think this is easy for me? Do you honestly believe I enjoy standing here and doing this to you? And to me _?_ Do you really think I'm _pretending_ to not know what I want?"

Embry stood there, without protest, but I continued anyway as I felt the irritation build. "Well, here's a newsflash for you – I don't _know_ what I want! I can only tell you what I don't want – _this_." I dramatically threw my hands up in the air to prove my point. "I didn't ask for Billy to die, I didn't ask for Jacob to leave, I didn't ask for you to be there for me and I sure as hell didn't ask for this to happen. I didn't want any of this!"

The words cut deep as a buried part of my subconscious tried to push him away, but much to my surprise, an understanding look crossed Embry's face as the words fell from my mouth.

"Bella, I didn't choose this either – but it still happened," he finally said, taking a step toward me as I watched the drops of rain starting to coat his hair and face. "Trust me, I get it – I know how you feel..."

It was then something inside me snapped. Maybe it was the pity I saw in his eyes.

Or maybe I'd simply imagined it.

"Don't!" I took a step back, regaining the distance between us as my levelheaded façade completely disappeared. "Don't pretend for a second you know how I feel. You have no idea what this is like, Embry! You have no idea what it feels like to be abandoned, to be left behind like you don't even matter. And then to be expected to move on, to pretend like it's as easy as you all make it? Well, it might be easy for you guys but this is not easy on me, so stop trying to act like it should be!"

I was fuming, and almost as soon as the words spilled from my lips, I regretted them. When I saw a new look spread across Embry's features, one that closely resembled a look he'd have if I slapped him across the face instead, my insides immediately twisted.

I didn't know why I was pushing him away – I couldn't explain that either, but watching the repercussions of it, I suddenly wanted to reach out and pull him back.

But I didn't. The longer we stood there, the more the rain picked up, falling in large drops from the sky and reminding us that regardless of where this conversation went, it wouldn't continue outside. I wasn't sure if Embry sensed it, too, or if he simply decided he'd had enough, but with a pained look of hurt and disappointment, he took a few steps backward, away from me, as he shook his head in disbelief. Finally, he turned away from me and headed in the direction of the garage.

I stood there, completely still, as he walked away. I watched him take long, purposeful strides, each one separating him further from me. I remained frozen in place, the rain dampening my clothes as I heard him throw open the door and disappear inside the confines of the garage, a warm light pouring through the open door moments later.

This time, I went after him. This time I went to pull him back.

I could have let it go. I could have gone the opposite way and went in the house instead, but I didn't. Instead, I allowed my feet to move in the direction of the garage as I followed Embry for the second time that night.

It only took a few seconds for me to reach the garage door, managing to avoid the growing puddles as I did. Wiping my hair from my face, I quietly ducked through the entrance. Just as I saw the last time I found Embry in the garage, he was noisily rooting around Jacob's workbench, picking up random items and throwing them down in frustration when he realized it wasn't what he was looking for.

As I watched him, it became glaringly clear he was distracting himself. From me? From something going on inside him? I wasn't sure.

I crossed my arms in front of me as I took a couple tentative steps forward. "Embry," I murmured quietly, not sure of the reaction I might receive. "What are you doing?"

Picking up another tool and releasing it with a loud clatter, he shook his head absentmindedly. "There's one last thing we need to fix on the truck. It's nothing big, but it still needs to be fixed before it makes something else go wrong. Figured I'd grab it from here before I left." He picked up a wrench and squinted, trying to find its measurement underneath the sheath of oil and grime covering it.

Taking another couple steps, I could feel my heart plummeting into my stomach. I'd hurt Embry, and I could see it as I watched him. I could see it in the defeated and pained look on his face, and I could see him wanting to shut down.

"Embry," I repeated as I slowly closed the gap between us. "What I said? I..."

With another loud clatter, Embry held his hand up without looking at me. "Don't, Bella. It's fine."

"It's not fine," I assured him, lacing all the sincerity I possibly could in my tone. "I shouldn't have said that..."

This time, Embry furiously gripped the edges of the wooden workbench. He took a couple deep breaths before he used his hands to push back from it, turning around and approaching me in two long, quick strides. My mouth fell open slightly at the sight of his face, a mixture of anger, sorrow and betrayal.

"You're right, Bella – you shouldn't have said it," he spat out, and I found myself taking a step back from him in shock. "You know, I never pegged you for the selfish type, despite what anyone else ever said. But that?" He pointed toward where we'd been outside. " _That_ was selfish."

His words resonated within me and, normally, I would have defended myself. In this moment, though, I couldn't because I knew he was right.

"Is that really what you think? Do you really think this is easy on us, Bella?" Embry eyebrows pulled over his eyes, framing his frustrated expression as he gaped at me in pained disbelief.

My mouth opened, and still, I couldn't speak. I'd never seen Embry like this before. I wasn't sure how to react as a man afflicted by hurt and anger seamlessly overtook the quiet, goodnatured, caring person I'd learned to care for the past several weeks.

Embry shook his head as he, too, took a step back, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment as he struggled to collect his thoughts. "Well, let me give you a little glimpse at everything you've missed." His gaze was on me again, his eyes black and glassy. "This has _not_ been easy on us."

Embry ran a distracted hand through his hair before he continued. "I know you don't know what it's like to grow up without a family, but Bella – I never had one of those." His breaths quickened, and I could tell it was becoming hard for him to get the words out. "I never had a father, but it was never really that big of a deal because I always had Billy around." My chest tightened, Embry's eyes now fixed on the floor as he continued to speak. "Do you know who it was that taught me how to do all the things a dad is supposed to teach his son? Who taught me to shave and shoot a gun and how to be a good man who gives to others more than he takes? It was Billy."

I brought a hand to my lips, covering my mouth as if it might contain the grief I felt rise in my throat. I couldn't think as every part of me was focused on Embry's achingly raw confession. My stomach knotted as I watched his face twist in a combination of emotions, the grief coming off his features in waves.

Embry released a haggard breath I hadn't realized he was holding. "Billy may not have been my real father, but when he left, I lost the closest thing I had to one. So did Sam and Paul and everyone else, at least to a point. And Jake? I know you loved him, but he was my brother, Bella – maybe not by blood but it didn't matter. He was my best friend. He was someone I looked up to, someone who was supposed to lead us someday, someone who's been there my entire life, but when it came down to it, he left. He didn't just leave you, Bella. He left all of us."

I could see his guard dropping, a shield he'd so carefully kept around him. My throat constricted as he looked around the garage, still minding carefully to keep his eyes from mine. He couldn't hide from me what was building behind them, though, and it became glaringly obvious how wrong I'd really been.

"But, Bella – it's not just about Billy, and it's not just about Jake. It's about the fact I lost my family – the only one I've ever known – in the span of a few days. I'm surrounded by people but it's overwhelming how alone I feel some days," Embry choked out, the determination wavering in his voice as it cracked. "But I put it all aside, Bella – I put it all aside for you. Not just because I wanted to, but also because _they_ would've wanted me to. I would've never done it another way, but just please..." He stopped as his voice caught in his throat, as the grief he was fighting slowly won the battle. "Don't think for a second this was ever easy for us – for _me_."

And it was in that moment Embry broke, and when he finally brought his eyes up to meet mine, my heart broke with him.

As I watched his resolve float away piece by piece, as his walls came crashing down, I was overpowered by everything Embry held inside him leading us to this point. I could see everything in his eyes alongside his tears — the depth of his soul, all the things he never shared with his pack brothers, and each part of him I never took the time to notice.

Watching him succumb to the pain of losing the only family he'd ever really known, I could almost feel the crack spread across my heart.

_This isn't right. He shouldn't feel like this. He shouldn't feel alone._

I couldn't breathe as I repeated everything Embry said in my head. As I did, my eyes watched the moisture resting in the corners of his, the tears threatening to overflow at any moment. He bit his lip, taking deep, labored breaths as he tried to hold back each one. As I stood there, painfully still, another brick wall hit me as I realized how horribly selfish I'd been about everything.

He was right, and I felt it more at that point that I ever had in the moments leading up to it. How did I let this happen? How had I not seen _this_? How had it never occurred to notice what all this did to _him_? The entire time, I accepted his generous support, his warm presence and his constant reassurance as to how much he and the pack truly cared about me, but I'd never once thought of reciprocating what he'd given to me.

He'd never asked for it, but it was now clear why he hadn't and I resented myself for not seeing it sooner.

Despite the noticeable pain, what I lost seemed almost insignificant. I had to make this right. He needed to know I'd be there for him, too. I'd already failed him and I wasn't going to do it again.

He had to know he was not alone.

I stepped forward until there were only a few inches separating us. As I did, I refused to tear my eyes from his as Embry still continued to fight it. He was trying, so valiantly, but failing as he fell apart in front of me, and the reality of everything I never asked him – the things I should have asked him – was laid out before me to see in a strikingly painful display.

I had to make this right. It was worth repeating because he had to know how much he didn't deserve to feel like this.

Which is why I couldn't help myself as I looked into his eyes.

The clarity I'd seen him with on the beach, just before the kiss, returned with a surprising ease. I didn't question it. This time, I let the unfamiliar feelings swallow me almost entirely, embracing them so I could show him how much I cared for him and how he wouldn't have to face anything else alone.

My stomach wrenched as I continued to watch the emotions play across his face, softening his features as he watched me in return. I wanted his full lips to smile, his skin to shift over his high cheekbones, revealing the one dimple I had memorized but never really realized why. His dark eyes spoke louder than any words possibly could.

My hand reached up without my permission and gently pushed back the strand of hair that fell over his forehead. His breath hitched slightly as my fingers made contact with his skin, trailing down his cheek. Almost instinctively, he leaned into my hand as his eyes slowly closed.

"Bella…" he whispered. His eyes reopened and his hand came up to my face, mirroring what mine did as it stroked his cheek. It was my turn to close my eyes as I felt the warmth from his hand spread across my face and slowly weave through the rest of my body. Without thinking, I turned my face toward his hand, brushing my lips against his palm.

This time, I heard him stop breathing.

His scent invaded my nostrils as I felt the roughness of his hand on my lips. His smell was sweet, laced with traces of earth and rain. I also could smell the faintest traces of motor oil, no doubt remaining from the last time he had his hands buried in the truck's motor.

This all took place over the span of a moment. I brought my left hand up and grasped the one Embry had against my face. I pressed my lips to his palm again, kissing it softly. I could feel him tremble as I did, and he still wasn't breathing.

I brushed my lips one last time against his rough hand before letting my eyes drift toward his face. They met his gaze, a gaze that had been filled with pain only moments earlier, but had now been replaced with a dark fire I was not expecting.

In one swift moment, Embry brought his other hand to my cheek, cupping my face and stooping to my height. Before I could comprehend what was happening, his lips found mine with a heat and an urgency that left me breathless. For a few seconds, the shock of it didn't allow me to react as his lips pressed harder against mine. I could feel his fingers grasping at my face as his other hand moved to the back of my neck and gently fisted my hair, begging me to reciprocate something, anything.

For a brief second, a hazy doubt – not as clear as it had been the first time – clouded my senses and my lips remained still. Despite everything, the distant flutter of Jacob's name still resided in the corners of my mind.

 _But he isn't here,_ I reminded myself. _Embry is_.

_Shouldn't that count for something?_

Sensing my hesitation, Embry removed his lips from mine. In one fluid motion, he wrapped his arms around me and buried his face in my neck, inhaling sharply. "Bella…" he whispered again, his voice breaking slightly. His shoulders shook as he spoke my name coupled with what could only be described as a heartbreaking plea.

I turned my face toward him slightly, burying my nose in his dark hair and taking in all of him. I inhaled slowly before I put both hands on his shoulders and gently pushed him back so I could see him.

What I saw tore my heart from my insides and stomped on it.

The dam had broken. Tears fell down his cheeks and his eyes were once again clouded with grief. I saw then that the shaking of his shoulders had been caused by the violent sobs he was fighting so hard to suppress. He looked at me helplessly, desperately, and my need to comfort him reached an insurmountable level.

At that moment, Embry was my only focus.

Everything else floated away.

I brought my hands from his shoulders and held his face, wiping the tears away as they fell. I felt a tear escape my own eye as I witnessed him unraveling before me. With that, I brought my lips to his forehead and kissed it softly, repeatedly, as I had done to his palm only moments ago. "Shh," I soothed him, just as he had done for me many weeks ago. "It'll be okay – _we'll_ be okay. You're not alone in this, Embry. I promise."

Through my apprehension, I watched as Embry tilted his head up and instead brought his hands back to my cheeks, forcing me to hold his gaze. Another tear escaped his eye and left a wet trail in its wake, which evaporated almost immediately from the temperature of his skin. His eyes bound me to him, beseeching, asking me for a million things I didn't understand.

His plea came verbally in the form of two words.

"Bella, please…"

My stomach wrenched. As I stared into his stormy, dark eyes, the scene unfolding before me suddenly became all too familiar. It was one I had lived through not too many weeks ago, one that – unbeknownst to me at the time – signified the end of a very important and beloved part of my life.

An end I realized, after tonight, for which I could very easily blame myself.

Somewhere, somehow, a little part of me snapped at the sound of those two words and the unproven implications they carried. Somehow, me standing before Embry as I tried to comfort him became about more than what I planned and what I felt.

I didn't wait for an explanation from him before I leaned forward, capturing his lips with mine. This time I didn't protest – this time I was the aggressor. I molded my lips to his and wrapped my arms around his neck, not wanting to allow any space between our bodies. I wanted to hold on to him and him to hold on to me, hoping desperately he wouldn't let me go.

Embry responded with an anticipation that startled me, but I welcomed it by opening my mouth against his, allowing his tongue to graze mine as he deepened the kiss. I could feel the curiosity I held earlier being fulfilled as his hands knotted in my hair, sliding down the length of my back and up again. He nipped at my bottom lip before hungrily taking it into his mouth as his fingers ghosted down the length of my jaw line. I couldn't breathe as a long-silenced heat built inside of me.

Still, it wasn't enough. I needed to be closer to him.

I hitched one leg up and as if on cue, he hoisted me up and I wrapped both legs around him as his hands moved under my thighs to support me, his lips never leaving mine. I tilted my head back and closed my eyes, forcing his lips to find solace elsewhere. My breath hitched as he trailed scorching kisses down my jawline to the length of my neck. "Embry..." I sighed, my voice barely audible above the frantic beating of my heart.

As soon as his name left my mouth, he swallowed it by crushing his lips to mine once again. The warmth within me started in my stomach before it spread wildly throughout the rest of my body as I felt one of his hands slide beneath my shirt, tracing circles on my back with his fingers. His other hand held its forceful grip under me.

I was losing myself, slowly, but I barely noticed as Embry started walking across the floor of the garage toward where Jacob's old Rabbit was parked. I suddenly couldn't remember how we'd ended up here, just like this, as I found myself consumed by how Embry was overtaking my senses – his soft lips on mine, the way he tasted. I reveled in the feel of his body underneath my hands. The muscles in his arms and shoulders were long and lean, his back strong. His skin was soft beneath my fingers, unlike his rough hands, and I could feel the slight definition of a scar on his left bicep, likely left from an altercation in his wolf form.

I suddenly felt something solid beneath me as I realized Embry had gently placed me on the hood of the Rabbit. My lips never left his, exchanging fervent kisses, as his hands traveled up my arms and held my face between them. I wrapped one arm around his neck to anchor myself and propped my body up with the other by bracing it on the hood.

Embry pulled away slowly, kissing a trail up my jaw line until he reached my ear. He nibbled on it gently and I gasped as his hot breath sent shivers down my spine. A soft growl erupted from his chest as I felt his fingers undo the first button of my shirt, the second, the third…

"Bella," he whispered in my ear. "Do you know how much I want you right now?"

I groaned softly in spite of myself as my body responded to the lust in his voice. If my mind hadn't separated from my body in the moments leading up to this, it was in a completely different realm at this point. I barely recognized my voice as I responded to him.

"Prove it."

Embry growled again as he tore my shirt open, the remaining few buttons flying in multiple directions, roughly pushing it down my shoulders. I shrugged out of it and leaned back on my elbows so I could see him. Strands of his hair fell across his forehead and hung in his eyes, which were black and clouded with need and lust. The tears were completely gone. One side of his mouth curled up in a slight, crooked smile – a smile I had seen him wear a million times, yet never like this. His hands moved to the button of my jeans.

"Are you sure?"

I shivered as his fingers grazed the soft skin of my lower stomach just above the waist of my jeans. I bit my bottom lip and nodded.

Two seconds later my jeans were gone. The hood of the car was cold against the back of my thighs as Embry stood there for a moment, drinking in the site of me laying on it in nothing but my bra and panties. In his absence, I could feel my head start to swim, but the moment wouldn't fully allow it as I swore I saw Embry shudder as he took a step forward, sliding his hands up my thighs and leaning over my body until his lips hovered above my stomach.

My breath caught in my throat as I felt his tongue tracing intricate patterns on the skin near my belly button. As soon as he finished in one spot, he kissed it softly and continued to explore another inch of skin. Meanwhile, his hands slid up my torso and ghosted across the fabric of my bra. They continued to my shoulders until he ran his fingers down the length of my arms, leaving a trail of goose bumps behind.

No words were spoken as I brought my knees up and placed my feet on the hood. Embry now rested between my thighs, although he was still bent over me, his lips dangerously close to edge of my panties. Another wave of heat rushed through me and I felt it _everywhere_. His eyes closed and his breath came faster, more urgent. "Dammit, Bella, you smell so good," he exhaled, his nose ghosting across the yellow cotton fabric.

I sat up on my hands and scooted closer to the edge of the hood as Embry stood upright, peeling his shirt off his body. I hesitated for the briefest of moments at the sight of his bare chest and the well-defined muscles in his stomach. My eyes traveled lower until I saw the proof of his want beneath his cutoff jeans.

 _More heat_.

I swear I almost saw red as I reached for the button of his cut-offs.

There was a distant, dull screaming in the back of my mind, one I refused to heed as I realized I was letting my body take over completely. My fingers fumbled with the button as I looked up at Embry from where I sat perched on the car hood, licking my lips in spite of myself.

I was disrupted when Embry stooped down and enveloped my moist lips in a fiery kiss. I felt myself undo the button of his cutoffs but didn't see where they ended up. Embry's tongue pushed past my lips and tangled with mine as one of my arms went back around his neck. The silent scream was slowly fading. I couldn't think of anything in that moment and I couldn't comprehend the consequences of what was about to happen.

The haze cleared slightly when I felt Embry's fingers travel beneath the fabric of my panties, brushing across the surface of my entrance. I gasped sharply and briefly saw stars as he grazed the nub connected to what felt like a thousand live wires, but it was over as quickly as it began. It wasn't Embry's fingers I felt near my entrance now as he pushed my panties aside, his anticipation clearly getting the better of his patience.

Before I realized what was happening, he pushed himself into me. It was quick and forceful and I was _filled_.

My eyes flew open as I jerked away from Embry's lips, loudly crying out as the shock gave way to a searing pain tearing at my insides. I closed my eyes again and clenched my teeth, concentrating on each breath as I let myself adjust to Embry's size. It became all too clear I had forgotten about the pain that was supposed to come with it. I buried my face in Embry's shoulder, biting down on it with enough force to hurt a normal person, but not him.

After several long, agonizing moments, the pain lessened by a fraction and I began to concentrate on the feel of Embry inside me rather than the pain as my inner walls protested, slowly stretching to accommodate him. I focused on the heat inside me; combined with mine, it was intoxicating. I wiggled my hips slightly, urging him to continue. I felt him kiss the side of my head as he pulled out in a painstakingly slow motion and entered again. He repeated the action, pushing himself just a little further each time.

Before long, the pain started to diminish little by little as my body adjusted and Embry found a steady rhythm, his knees leaning against the front of the Rabbit and one hand on the hood supporting his weight. The other arm was wrapped around my midsection, fingers spread wide across my back. Once the pain completely faded, the sensation caused by the friction of him moving in and out of me was unbelievable.

Our arms wrapped around one another held our bodies together as we moved, our skin in complete contact. I could feel the heat radiating from Embry's body, the sweat forming on his chest. I kissed his shoulder tenderly – the same spot I had bitten earlier – as he moved inside me. I let my head fall back, my eyes closing as I tried desperately to remember this feeling, to hang on to it, before reality would come back to ruin it.

But Embry pulled away suddenly, leaving me cold and craving more. My eyes fluttered open and, without waiting for permission, traveled down his body once again. It glowed with sweat and as my eyes traveled below his waist, I could feel myself blush furiously before I quickly looked away.

Embry smiled as he stepped closer, taking my face in his hands and forcing me to look at him. He placed a gentle kiss on my lips. "You're amazing," he said. Even in a situation like this, Embry only needed a few words. He placed the palm of his hand on my chest and gently pushed, urging me to lie down. I complied, placing my hand over his as my back met the cold metal. Embry grabbed my hips and carefully pulled me toward him so that my bottom was a few inches over the edge of the hood. He hooked his fingers in my panties and removed them, tossing them onto the tattered couch several feet away. Self-conscious and suddenly feeling vulnerable, I kept my legs clamped together.

Embry only smiled his self-assured smile and my eyes never left his. "Bella, relax." He brought his hands around and stroked the top of my thighs. He leaned forward before he spoke again, and I could feel his hot breath on the skin of my legs. "You're beautiful."

Taking a deep breath, the muscles in my legs loosened and I closed my eyes, allowing him to part my thighs completely.

Embry made a soft noise in his throat as he got his first good look at me. I took another ragged breath, trying to mentally will the blush away as he moved forward a step and leaned over me, again repositioning himself at my entrance. Landing a soft, tender kiss on my lips, he let one hand slide behind my head as I felt strands of my hair weave between his fingers. The other hand he used to guide one leg around his waist as the other followed close behind. I cried out suddenly as he slid inside me again, the different position hitting all kinds of new areas and setting off sparks inside me.

"Oh, god…" I sighed, my inhibitions suddenly forgotten as my eyes fluttered shut once again. I could feel Embry rocking back and forth between my legs, and I could detect every movement of his fingertips on the hand not twisted in my hair as each one gently left trails across the sensitive skin of my thigh.

After a few moments, he picked up the pace of his thrusts. As he did, he coaxed my head forward and I leaned up into him, landing a desperate and deep kiss on his lips. His mouth was hot against mine and a small place inside me started to painstakingly fall apart as he pushed into me, his hand now anchored to my hip as he used it to bring my body toward his. A feral moan escaped my lips at the sound of our bodies connecting, at the feeling slowly building within me.

In the silence of the garage I could hear nothing else except Embry's steady, shallow breaths – breaths I could feel as they ghosted across my face – and the beautifully tormented whimpers coming from my throat as my body experienced sensations of which I never knew it was capable.

For a moment, I allowed myself to open my eyes. I wanted to see him. I wanted to see if he was experiencing the same feelings I was. I wanted to see if there were any reservations in his eyes. When I did, I was captivated by the look of intense determination on his face. His eyes were open and sure as I watched beads of sweat drip down his features. He was beautiful and despite anything I wanted or thought before, in this moment, he was mine.

_And I knew he wouldn't go anywhere._

In one swift movement, Embry pulled me up so we were in the position in which we originally started. One of my arms fell back to the hood of the car with a loud thud and the other furiously grasped the back of Embry's head as he rested his forehead against mine. His movements picked up speed, his breath causing my lips to tingle as he leaned in to kiss me.

Embry was panting as he pulled his face away from mine, his dark, hooded eyes piercing mine as he did. Watching him, seeing how his face and body responded to me, I felt a tightening in my stomach, begging for release as my need for him in that moment multiplied by unimaginable amounts. He didn't speak; instead, his intense gaze remained locked with mine and he simply nodded, conveying to me he was ready.

Although I wasn't sure what to do, in that moment, my body did as it responded to the lust in his eyes. My body and mind reeled as my inner walls clamped down on Embry and I fell over the edge, writhing and shaking in his arms as they held me tight. My vision blurred and my senses heightened as wave after wave of pleasure coursed through my body. My fingers reached for something, anything to hang on to as they tangled in Embry's hair.

A moment later, Embry pushed into me one last time as hard as he could and I felt his release as he tensed inside me, a rough growl falling from his lips. A few seconds passed and as we both fought to catch our breath, he gently laid me back as I continued to tremble violently. He moved with me, never separating my body from his as he collapsed on to me, his head resting where it fell on my chest.

Moments passed as I came down and neither of us spoke a word. Embry trembled slightly, his body warm against mine. His breath was deep and labored as he, too, recovered from his high. As we lay there, tangled in each other, he sighed and I gradually felt his body relax. He still made no move to separate from me, and I did all I could in that moment as I intertwined my fingers in his hair and caressed his head, slowly lifting my own off the car to place one last comforting kiss on his dark hair. My head fell back against the hood with a soft thump and I took a deep breath.

Seconds earlier, the screaming in my head was silenced by the need and the urgency of the moment. There was no room for it. In between it all, I was occupied with one thing and one thing only – Embry.

Now, my brain was swirling with a million questions – a million questions and a different name.

Jacob.

_This is all your fault. It's all your fault this happened. It's all your fault I feel this way.  
_

My confusion multiplied the longer I lay there. In reality, there was only one thing I could pull from the disarray of thoughts infiltrating my head as ecstasy was replaced by reality.

The intimate moments Embry and I had just shared were going to change _everything_.

* * *


	15. Morning After

_**Suggested Listening: "Hold On" by Angus & Julia Stone, "Pitter-Pat" by Erin McCarley, "I Felt Free" by Circa Survive, "Bluebird" by Christina Perri** _

The next morning, I was awake long before my alarm clock even considered going off.

The sun was just starting to rise in the east, casting a soft light through the curtained windows of the spare room. I was lying on my side in the double bed, clutching the quilt to my chest and staring at the door. I wasn't sure how long I'd been awake, but I did know one thing - there was no chance I was going back to sleep. My eyes were wide open, piercing holes through the wall while my brain was marinating in everything that had happened the past 24 hours.

I couldn't fight it. While a small part of me wanted to block the memories from my head, I couldn't battle them, nor could I contain the fluttering in my stomach every time I remembered one…

_His hands, sliding beneath my shirt, tracing circles on my back with his fingers._

_The feel of his body underneath my hands. The muscles in his arms, in his shoulders. His soft skin beneath my fingers._

_His mouth. His hot breath on my skin. Me falling apart from the inside out. His hand on my hip as he used it to bring my body toward his._

_Me writhing and shaking in his arms as they held me tight._

_My fingers tangled in his hair._

I shivered in spite of myself, pulling the blanket tighter around me. I couldn't block it out, no matter how hard I tried. The feeling — the knot in my stomach, which left me dizzy — was a constant reminder of how Embry felt against me, how he felt _inside_ me.

I couldn't fathom how I'd let it go so far. But in the same instant, I knew how it did. Every bit of that was painstakingly clear as I replayed the moments in my head, as I relived the seconds leading up to it and even the seconds after...

_I hopped a couple times, pulling my jeans on and swiftly fastening them. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Embry as he stood in the garage doorway. He, too, had dressed and was staring aimlessly into the night. He was giving me privacy to put my clothes back on, which seemed especially pointless considering what happened._

_Regardless, I appreciated him for it._

_My stomach wrenched as I tossed a glance to my left, my gaze immediately falling on the Rabbit. It took a few seconds before I could tear my eyes from it, but I managed to as I took a slow, drawn out breath. My stomach was a knotted mess as I ran my fingers through my hair to smooth it and rubbed my face with my hands. I could still feel the flush on my cheeks._

_I needed some air, but I also needed to say something. We couldn't leave things like this._

_I quietly walked up behind Embry, my feet barely making a sound on the dirt floor of the garage. If he heard me, he didn't make any attempt to speak or acknowledge my presence. His breathing, however, betrayed him as he inhaled and exhaled deeply. I was only inches from him when I reached out and touched his forearm._

_Finally, he turned his face toward me. His lips cracked into a lighthearted smile, but it was heavy. His face was weighted by a thousand words he wanted to say but couldn't bring himself to speak._

" _Embry..." I whispered, letting my fingers fall from his blazing skin to my side as he continued watching me._

_He closed his eyes, shaking his head slightly before his gaze once again fell outside the garage. "Don't...," he murmured. "We don't have to do this right now, Bella."_

_I could feel something tugging at my insides, and the lump in my throat ached. A big part of me wanted to know what he was thinking. I didn't care what it was – I just wanted him to tell me, because there was one thing I had to know. It was okay if he couldn't justify what happened or why he kissed me, and I wouldn't fight him if he told me it would never happen again. A part of me almost hoped to hear the words from his mouth. It would be easier, less painful, the route that made the most sense._

_But I couldn't lose my friend. I couldn't lose that part of Embry. He meant too much to me, and that would be too much to bear._

" _Em..." I repeated, more forcefully, the word reaching his ears and causing him to cast another look at me out of the corner of his eye._

" _I have to go," he said quietly, finally turning his face back toward me._

" _Why?" The question fell from my mouth without permission._

_Embry let a slight smile play at his lips. "I have to patrol at midnight. Quil'll kill me if I'm not there."_

_I nodded, slightly relieved, my eyes falling to the floor as I watched the toe of my shoe dig absentmindedly in the dirt._

_It didn't remain there long as I felt Embry place one of his long fingers underneath my chin and tilt it up, forcing my watery gaze to meet his. His face was lighter but an unknown burden still flickered in his dark eyes._

" _Get some sleep, Bella," he whispered. "I'll see you soon." He smiled again, hesitating for a brief second. Before any words could form, my breath caught in my throat as he leaned down, placing an unsure yet gentle kiss on my lips. Without waiting for me to respond, he turned and jogged into the darkness, disappearing before my lips stopped tingling from his touch._

I shuddered again as I rolled on to my back, now focusing my gaze on the ceiling. My stomach rolled as I recounted the moment between us.

I'd used Embry, and he'd used me – that much was clear. Neither of us were innocent, and neither of us had a clue what we were doing, what we were getting ourselves into. Watching Embry fall apart in front of me, I'd put aside all my doubt, every bit of conflict, and focused for one fleeting moment on what I'd felt on the beach just before the kiss. I did it for him because I wanted him to know it wasn't all about me – it wasn't all about my pain.

I wanted to show him how much he meant to me, how in the weeks leading us to this point, he'd been there for me in the best way possible. He didn't allow himself to become my crutch, but he was still there, helping me hobble along by remaining two steps behind with his comforting smiles, his loyalty and his reassuring presence.

In the same time, he grabbed hold of me with a sheer force I wasn't expecting and for which I had not prepared. I had yet to find out why, but I had a good feeling as I remembered the tears falling from his eyes, as he recounted everything it had done to him to lose the only family he'd ever known. He needed someone to hang on to as well. Somewhere in the course of all this, it was clear I helped Embry through it without ever realizing I had.

He grabbed hold of me, and I'd let him. And we'd lost ourselves somewhere in the middle of hot hands, desperate kisses and breathless sounds falling from our lips.

I'd lost _myself_ , and I'd taken it too far. I'd given him a part of me, a part that wasn't meant for him but I willingly handed it to him anyway.

This fact frightened me, and it drew out emotions in me, emotions I wasn't sure how to process. Waves of anxiety and excitement flooded my senses and also awakened me to a hard, surprising fact.

I enjoyed it. I enjoyed _myself_. I enjoyed every moment of something that was never supposed to happen.

And remembering the look in Embry's eyes, the intimate and loving expressions that crossed his face as his eyes fluttered shut, as his mouth fell open in the slightest smile, I knew something else.

He enjoyed himself, too.

Coming to grips with this, the confusion came rushing back with so much force it nearly knocked the breath from my lungs. The questions bombarded me. They were the same questions I asked myself after he kissed me on the beach. How had I missed this? What were we supposed to do now? Did Embry want to be with me? Is that what it was all about?

How could we do this to Jacob?

I tasted the bile in the back of my throat at the last thought. I still had no answers. No matter how many times I played the questions over, nothing became clear. The only thing I did know was how much this was bound to change things. I couldn't imagine how Embry and I could possibly go back to the way things were before, how we could ever pretend it didn't happen.

Bringing my hands to my eyes, I rubbed them fiercely, trying to clear my head. All these thoughts were pointless. They'd get me nowhere until I talked to Embry, until I found out how he felt. A foreign part of me had confidence in what he would say, even though I had no idea what it would be. He seemed to know me better than myself these days. Maybe he could make some sense of the mess inside my head.

The sun was now peeking more prominently through the curtains of the spare bedroom. I looked at the alarm clock, realizing it was almost eight o'clock before I threw back the covers. With a heavy sigh, I sat up and swung my feet over the side of the bed, shivering when they hit the cold, wooden floor. Closing my eyes, I winced at the pain I felt in my lower abdomen as I went to stand up.

_Yet another reminder._

Rubbing my stomach, I stretched toward the nightstand and plucked my phone off it. Realizing I had a message, I hit the 'call' button for my voice mailbox before putting it to my ear. A moment later, a soft, chipper voice came through the earpiece. It didn't take long to realize it was Emily. She called when her and Sam got home. She wondered where I'd disappeared to, wanted to make sure I got home safely and also asked if I wanted to come over to the house this morning and help with her latest domestic project.

Pulling the phone away from ear, I sighed again and hit the end button. Without thinking about it, I scrolled through the missed calls, found Sam and Emily's number, knowing Emily would be awake by now, and hit the call button before putting the phone back to my ear.

I took a deep breath.

_One foot in front of the other, Bella. You've been doing it all this time._

_You can't stop now._

* * *

Today, I was helping Emily make jam.

An hour later, I chuckled to myself as I drove the bumpy road toward Emily and Sam's home. Sure, I loved to cook, but I had never tried my hand at canning. This was sure to prove interesting, and no doubt would provide an adequate distraction from myself. She'd told me it would be a good chance to have some "girl time". In the weeks prior, I'd spent an increasing amount of time with Embry and didn't visit her as much as I had in the beginning.

But another part of me couldn't help but think Emily was simply trying to come up with a good excuse to get me out of the house and find out where I'd disappeared to the night before.

 _She can pry all she wants_ , I thought. She wasn't getting anything out of me. Something told me not everyone was bound to be as understanding when and if they ever found out.

When I walked into the airy kitchen of Sam and Emily's modest home through the wide-open sliding glass door, I knew I was in for it.

Bowls upon bowls of pre-measured portions of strawberries, peaches, plums and apricots lined the butcher-block island. About three dozen Mason jars were meticulously organized across the other half, topped off by a pail of lids and jar rings. Two large canning pots occupied one-half of the stove, while two smaller pots sat atop the other two burners. Emily had her back to me as she pulled the sugar and Pectin from the cupboard.

I cleared my throat quietly, trying to get her attention.

Emily, who was hunched over the counter with her back to me, threw a glance over her shoulder when she heard me. A grin lit up her face, wrinkling the scars lining her right cheek. "Bella, you're here! Great! We can get started."

"Great," I echoed with as much enthusiasm as I could muster given the task at hand. "Where do you want me?"

After Emily ushered me toward the island, we spent the next hour or so crushing the various types of fruit in their containers. While we crushed, Emily talked and I simply listened. She chewed over the weather, her garden, asked if I wanted to accompany her on her next trip to Port Angeles to go shopping. Apparently Sam was in desperate need of some nice clothes, something other than the torn cut-offs and ratty t-shirts he wore around between phasing.

I smiled in spite of myself as Emily ended her tirade on Sam's lack of concern with his wardrobe, thankful she hadn't taken to asking questions and simply let me occupy space in her well-equipped kitchen.

But I realized I'd spoken too soon when she hit me with her second million-dollar question in less than twenty-four hours.

"So what happened with you and Embry last night?"

I nearly choked on my own saliva when the words fell from her mouth. I knew it was coming, but the question still came flying out of nowhere.

_How the hell did she know? Did Embry tell her? Did he tell Sam?_

Silently, it dawned me on me – _damn pack mind_. It never occurred to me when Embry went on patrol last night that no doubt the entire wolf pack knew by now. I contained the urge to scream, to hit something or to throw one of the Mason jars against the log walls of Emily's kitchen. For a brief moment, I wanted to kill Embry.

But I decided to play dumb anyway.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, swallowing thickly.

Emily looked at me stupidly. "Bella, you went for your walk and then Embry disappeared and neither of you came back. I was worried sick."

I tried to not make a scene as my breath left me in a relieved huff. I immediately felt stupid for thinking Embry had said anything. Something told me he'd be doing everything in his power to keep this quiet, too.

Emily didn't notice, and I was silently thankful for it. "I almost sent Quil and Seth out looking for you," she continued, "but Quil assured me you'd probably just decided to go home and since Embry brought you, he was the one who had to take you back. I was just a little surprised he didn't come back after he dropped you off."

"He had to patrol at midnight," I muttered matter-of-factly, pounding the bowl of strawberries in front of me, the forced indifference dripping from my tone.

Emily's eyebrow rose as she scraped the apricots off the edge of her bowl. "So he did take you home then?"

I nodded, not looking up from my own bowl. "He said something about wanting to go home and catch a few minutes of sleep before his shift," I lied, pulling it off with such ease it startled me. "That's probably why he didn't come back."

Emily remained still for a moment before she smiled, her eyes dropping back to the task in front of her. "Makes sense. Sam has those guys running all kinds of crazy patrols. He even made them have a mandatory training this morning. It seems silly considering we haven't seen a vampire around here since..."

I tuned out most of what Emily said after that point. I wasn't trying to be rude. I nodded when I was supposed to and granted her one-word acknowledgments when it was appropriate, but the truth was she spoke like nothing had changed.

Too much was different in my head. Too much _had_ changed to pretend everything was the way it was two days ago.

Regardless, I let my thoughts be buried under cans of sugary strawberries and plums.

Several hours later, Emily and I stood in her kitchen admiring our accomplishment, which came in the form of a few dozen jars of homemade jam. She insisted I take at least one of each flavor to Charlie. She then smiled the broadest smile I'd seen in a long time and started going on about how the pack would have jam for breakfast through next winter.

_Speak of the devil._

As if on cue, I heard loud laughs and hollers coming from the front yard, quickly approaching the house. My heart jumped into my throat as I silently weeded through each laugh and each profanity, identifying the voices of each pack member, ending in the confirmation of a fact I already knew.

Sam was first through the door as the yelling carried on outside. He smiled and nodded once in my direction before walking to the stove and placing a soft kiss on top of Emily's head. She leaned back into his arms and turned her head to look at him. He kissed her quickly on the lips. "I'm going to wash up," he said, turning and heading toward the hallway bathroom.

"Holy shit, it looks like the Smucker's factory blew up in here!"

Quil rambled through the door, eyes wide when he caught a glimpse of our handiwork. On his heels were Paul, Jared, Seth and finally Embry. He was moving slower than the rest of his brothers and as he walked in, his eyes immediately met mine although I wasn't entirely sure it was on purpose. A moment later, his lips curled into a slight smile. The entire time, his dark eyes never averted their gaze from me.

In them, I could see _everything_ , laid out once again for me to relive, to see, to _feel_.

I shivered in spite of myself and grabbed the island to steady my hands as he finally looked away.

"We made lots of jam today," Emily said as she opened the refrigerator door to pull out a block of cheddar cheese. "We even have apricot, Jared – your favorite!"

"Yes!" Jared hollered from his place at the foot of the kitchen table. He reached to the center and grabbed a leftover muffin from breakfast, taking a big bite of it before leaning his elbow on table and cocking one eyebrow curiously. "What's for lunch, Em?"

"Is that all you ever think about is food?" Emily asked, this time snatching two loaves of fresh baked bread from the pantry.

"Pretty much," Jared quipped, barely audible through his mouthful of muffin.

"That, and what he and Kim were doing down by the tourist beach after the bonfire last night…"

Paul ducked as Jared threw the remainder of his muffin at Paul's head. When he missed, he retaliated with a left hook toward Paul's jaw. In a flash, Paul caught his fist and was on his feet, twisting Jared's arm behind him as Jared cried out in surrender. Everyone laughed when Paul simply ruffled Jared's hair with a cocky smirk, pushing him back into his chair. The laughter and ribbing only multiplied when Jared slid further into his chair, his russet skin turning a rather embarrassing shade of pink.

While everyone was clutching their sides and still getting in their last-minute jabs at Jared, I chose that moment to look at Embry again.

He had taken a place next to Jared and was leaning back in his chair, one leg propped up on his knee and his arms crossed in front of his bare chest. He was wearing the same cutoffs he had on the previous day. If he was troubled, he didn't show it, although I wasn't entirely sure I'd be able to tell even if he was. He was laughing, smiling a genuine smile I hadn't seen in awhile. It certainly was a different Embry than I saw last night.

 _Last night_...

_Damn it!_

I shivered again. I couldn't explain the sudden burst of heat that spread through my body like wildfire. I wanted to crawl under the island and hide the second I felt the blush fan out across my cheeks. My stomach rolled, and I was certain I was giving myself away through physical reactions alone.

Thankfully, Sam chose that moment to reappear from the hall bathroom.

"My turn!" I blurted out, making sure I claimed it before anyone else decided to. Ignoring the curious looks I was receiving from Emily and a few other members of the pack, I almost ran down the hallway as I reached the end and hung a right into the small bathroom. I didn't even bother closing the door behind me.

I stood in front of the sink, gripping the sides of it like it was going to run away. I looked at myself in the mirror. There was definitely an extra amount of pink in my cheeks. Taking a couple deep breaths, I reached down and turned the cold water on, letting it run through my fingers for a few seconds before forming a cup with my hands to collect it. Once filled, I bent forward and splashed my face with the cool liquid.

 _Get it together, Bella_.

I sucked in another deep breath as I watched the water droplets roll down my face. I was a mess. I'd somehow managed to calm myself down in the hours Emily kept me occupied with canning, pushing everything to a faraway corner of myself to bring out later, but it resurfaced unexpectedly and before I was ready for it.

It had resurfaced as soon as I heard Embry's voice approaching the house.

I hadn't anticipated how I'd feel when he walked through the door. I didn't know what to do with these new eyes through which I was seeing him. They were eyes I wasn't used to. Something had indeed changed last night and, just like earlier, it scared the hell out of me. Regardless, it still mixed with the dull, guilty ache in my chest as every now and then, Jacob's face flashed through my mind.

"You okay?"

I jumped what felt like a foot in the air. My heart sped up and the blush returned as I looked to the doorway and saw Embry leaning against the frame. His hands were shoved in the pockets of his cutoffs and he regarded me with a soft expression. There wasn't a smile on his lips this time, but his eyes were concerned.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I nodded, swiping the few stray drops of water from my face. "I didn't know you were going to be here."

Embry face wrinkled slightly as he removed his hands from his pockets and shrugged, crossing his arms in front of his chest. "Just for lunch. Sam invited us over for food after training," he said, cocking an eyebrow as he took in my appearance. "Are you okay? Bella, if you're not fine, please don't tell me you are...," he added quietly, no doubt wanting to avoid any eavesdropping from all the super ears down the hallway.

Taking a deep breath, I looked at him, the soft look of regard on his face piercing through the tough barrier I'd created the second I walked in the house. Without thinking about it, I silently shook my head. "I'm not," I whispered. It had always been easy to be honest with Embry, and I was relieved that much hasn't changed.

He sighed, the sound a mixture of understanding and sadness as his eyes held mine. "I'm not either."

"Really?" My mouth fell open in respite. It eased my mind a tiny bit to know I wasn't the only one who couldn't sort the battling thoughts in my head.

He nodded, a slight smile playing at the corner of his lips. "Really." His eyes fell toward the floor, a strand of loose hair falling over his forehead as his smile turned into a soft smirk. My stomach fluttered a little bit at the sight of it.

I silently swore at myself again, knowing I had to speak up. Gripping the sides of the sink, I focused my gaze on him. "Can we talk about what happened?"

With one raised eyebrow, Embry looked up at me. "Right now?"

Letting out an ironic laugh, I sighed, gripping the sink countertop once again. I could feel my fingers going numb from the force I was exerting on the laminate surface. "No, not right now." When Embry chuckled, I could feel the tension lift a little bit, and I took another deep breath, hoping to draw in as much of the peace as I could. "There are no secrets in this house, Em...you know that."

"No kidding," he muttered, shooting a glance down the hallway before turning back toward me. "How about after lunch? You can give me a ride home."

I felt a small smile cross my own lips as I nodded. "Yeah, that sounds good."

Pushing himself back from the doorframe so he once again was in the hallway, Embry hitched his thumbs in his pockets. He didn't speak and I could feel my grip tighten on the sink as his eyes held mine longer than necessary. Finally dropping his gaze, Embry tried to squelch his grin as he stepped forward, retreating from my site as he returned to the kitchen.

All I caught was a wave of his scent as he disappeared.

* * *

Nobody thought twice when Embry announced he was heading home after devouring three grilled cheese sandwiches and a large bowl of Emily's leftover chicken noodle soup.

No one questioned it when he looked in my direction, cocking one eyebrow before standing up from table. "Hey, Bells, would you mind giving me a ride home?"

And when I nodded, the two of us quietly walking out the front door with our eyes to the floor and moving faster than necessary, nobody seemed to wonder why Embry didn't leave the same way he came – on four legs – when it probably would have been easier, not to mention quicker than a ride home in my ancient truck.

At least they didn't wonder out loud.

With my fingers wrapped tightly around the steering wheel, neither of us spoke. The scene was strangely reminiscent of the ride home from the beach the night before. The tension was thick and pungent and neither of us were sure how to start the inevitable conversation we both knew needed to happen.

But that was the thing – it needed to happen, so I bit the bullet and broke the silence.

"Embry," I murmured, his name falling from my lips with an uncertain care. "How did we let this happen?"

Embry let out a soft chuckle from the passenger seat of my truck as he studied his hands aimlessly. "You couldn't have started out with an easy question, could you?"

Letting out my breath in a loud exhale, I threw a glance at him. "Embry, none of the questions I have are easy ones!" I exclaimed, my mouth falling open as my eyes darted between him and the windy road in front of me. "I wish you could see inside my head right now. We're lucky I can even form a question at all at this point."

"I know the feeling," he said quietly as he ventured a look in my direction.

Holding his gaze this time, my chest heaved with a silent sigh. "We have to start somewhere, Em. And right now, that's the biggest question I have."

Embry's own sigh was far from silent as he fought with himself to say what it was that was on his mind. After what seemed like several endless moments, he opened his mouth and let a few words fall out. "I'm sorry, Bella."

"You're sorry?"

He nodded. "Last night wasn't supposed to happen – not like that. I'm sorry for what I did. I'm sorry for what I let happen. I'm sorry for everything."

My stomach knotted furiously at his words. The guilt laced in his voice was like a lead weight as he spoke them. It quickly became clear as I watched him, as I studied his face, he was shouldering the blame for everything.

"Embry, there were two of us in the garage last night. What happened? You weren't the only one responsible for letting it," I replied, hoping my words would ebb some of the self-reproach pulling at him.

"I know," he said quietly, "but I should have known better. Knowing everything I've seen the past two months, I should have known you weren't ready for it. That much is my fault – it's my fault for not stopping it."

"Did you want to stop?" The words came out before I had a chance to think about them as I realized it was my way of trying to confirm my suspicions from this morning. A part of me wanted to know if he had enjoyed it, if he was reliving the moments, if his stomach was in knots when he remembered them. My fingers tightened on the steering wheel again as I awaited his answer.

"It's complicated, Bells," Embry said quietly as he leaned his elbow on the door, rubbing his forehead with his fingers.

"Explain it to me."

Peering at me out of the corner of his eye, Embry let out a rough breath before his eyes refocused on the road ahead of us. "My driveway's up here past that tree – the one with the black mailbox."

Watching said mailbox approach, I sighed and slowed down, switching my blinker on before making the left-hand turn into the driveway of the home belonging to Embry and his mother. The house was smaller than Jacob's, and it was brown instead of red. The windows were dark and I could see Embry's truck sticking out from its parking spot under a large tree behind the house.

Letting my truck roll to a stop, I slipped it into park and let it idle for a moment as I stared aimlessly at the speedometer. Beside me, Embry made no move to get out and as I snuck a glance at him, his face was pensive and I could tell he was still chewing on my request, deciding the best way to explain it to me.

"Embry..." I murmured, quietly coaxing him to continue as well as reminding him I had not forgotten

He took a deep breath before turning his head to look at me as he spoke. "Listen, I'm just going to start at the beginning because it's easier that way. I'm just going to lay it all out there and hopefully we can both make something of it in the end."

Clasping my hands in my lap, I nodded. "Okay."

Hesitating for a moment as he processed my easy response, he took another breath before he continued. "Bella, I know I've told you this before, but maybe not like this," he said. "I've made you promises because you're a part of this family. That will never change, but there's more to it than that. When you and Jake were together, you were a part of that family." He stopped, collecting his thoughts as I instinctively leaned toward him. "It's hard to explain, but I think last night after everything happened, I figured out it's because I always thought of you like you were a part of that family – like you were a part of Jake – and I felt this fierce need to protect you and make sure you were okay, for them and for yourself. But there was also the fact that keeping you with me was like keeping _them_ with me."

I felt the familiar sting behind my eyelids as he spoke, as he confirmed he had, in fact, been hanging on to me as a way to preserve the family he lost. But was that the only reason he'd been around? Was that the only reason why everything happened? I felt my stomach roll.

"But you're not them, Bella," Embry pressed on. "You're not Jake, you're not Billy and I can't hang on to them by hanging on to you – it doesn't work that way," he said. "I tried, but I think it was only like that in the beginning. After all those weeks, I realized something, and I think last night on the beach – right before I kissed you – was when it finally hit me."

"What?" I nearly whispered, watching his face intently.

"I realized there's a lot more to you than _Jake and Bells._ There's a part of me that feels badly for saying this because Jake was my best friend, but it's true – Bella, you're not a half to a whole. I think that's always how I saw you before, but not now. Now, you're just _you_ , and I never got a chance to see that before," he replied, his piercing stare meeting mine. The look in his eyes caused a shiver to lace up my spine, and I mentally chided myself for doubting him.

"It was like I was seeing you differently, Bella – like I was seeing _you_ for the first time, but I had no idea what to make of it because I know there's a part of you that's not ready for something like this," Embry pressed on. "And there's still a part of me that feels like crap for being _that_ guy, for being _that_ kind of best friend, but then I remember why we're in this situation in the first place, how this happened in the first place..." He stopped, studying my face as he let me process his words.

"Jake," I whispered. A part of me agreed with what he said, though, about why we were here. My mind went back to my thoughts as Embry and I lay on the hood of the car the night before, the thoughts blaming Jacob for everything that happened. Remembering them, I knew Embry shouldn't feel remorse, even though he did.

Embry let out a ragged breath. "If it wasn't for him, we wouldn't be having this conversation. We wouldn't be sitting here trying to figure out where out friendship took a different turn. I meant every word I said last night, but I'm still so angry with him and I still tell myself over and over that he _left us_. He chose to leave and because he did, everything as we knew it left right along with him."

I couldn't speak. I couldn't fathom how it seemed like Embry had such a clear understanding of everything going through his head. Outwardly, it still seemed like he was struggling and I couldn't comprehend that either.

As if in response to my silent query, Embry continued. "But I'm still sorry for last night, Bella. I didn't want you to see that. I didn't want you to see me break down like that – you weren't supposed to. You had enough on your plate to worry about without adding me to it and I'm sorry for that. I don't want you to worry about me, okay? I know things kind of went wrong last night – _we_ kind of went wrong. I'm not saying what we _did_ was wrong, but I took something from you last night and didn't even give it a second thought. Everything was just..." He stopped, pausing for a moment as he collected his thoughts. "I was just too caught up in everything. I was too caught up in _you_."

Leaning my head against the glass behind my seat, I tried to give him a reassuring smile. "Don't apologize."

Embry's features softened when he looked at me, and I swear I saw a glimmer in his eyes. "I have to, Bella."

I sighed as I picked at a hangnail on my thumb, despite my eyes never leaving his. "Don't. I don't want you apologize for anything – not the kiss, not what you've said, and not for last night. It wasn't just you there, Em. I was there, too."

"I know," he murmured, "but I should have been the one to..."

"No!" I exclaimed. "You don't get to blame yourself for any of this. Embry, I might not be able to make any sense of why I did it, but I let it happen, too. We both did for our own reasons, and we both felt something on that beach. And I won't lie to you – I can't sit here and say to you I know what that feeling means because I don't. But I don't regret what happened..."

Embry's mouth fell open slightly, almost like he was expecting an entirely different answer from me. "You don't?"

"No," I whispered, my voice barely audible in the short space between us in the truck. "I'm not sure what we're supposed to do with it now, but Em – I enjoyed myself. In that moment, I know I did. I won't lie to you – I've never been _able_ to lie to you."

Embry glanced out the front window, his eyes on something distant and invisible as a smile pulled at his lips. "I enjoyed myself, too. I care about you a lot, Bella – probably more than I should." He looked back toward me and I could see he wanted to say something else, but he closed his mouth and I watched his shoulders rise and fall with a deep breath as he swallowed the words.

In the absence of his words, I continued. "I care about you, too, Embry – I really do. You mean a lot to me and you've been there for me through all of this, and that's what I wanted you to know last night, but I didn't mean for it to go as far as it did either. What you said about getting caught up? So did I. I wanted to hold on to you with everything I had and I took it too far." I sighed as I watched him watch me, his jaw tightening and relaxing as he did. "I know that probably sounds selfish."

"It's not selfish, Bells – we both did the same thing."

"I know, and I don't regret it – I can't regret it because it happened, and I'm glad you don't either," I replied, the fluttering in my stomach confirming my words as I spoke them.

"So what do we do now?"

It didn't matter. Despite the fact I could see it all in his eyes – the care he felt for me and the sincerity in his words – and despite how I felt when I remembered what it was like to be in his arms, I already knew the answer to Embry's question.

"I'm not ready," I whispered. "I'm not ready for this – I'm not ready for something new." I felt horrible saying it, but if there was one thing I knew, it was the fact Embry deserved better than feeling like a replacement, like a consolation prize to the man who wasn't strong enough to stick around.

But aside from that, I knew it had nothing to do with Jacob. _I_ wasn't ready for such a bold step, one that felt entirely too unsteady at this point.

It was too soon. It was too soon for me to know what my feelings meant or what I was supposed to do with Embry's words. I couldn't look forward when I knew there was such a huge part of me clinging to the past, clinging to a distant hope that our reality could still remedy itself should Jacob decide to wander back into our lives.

I hated myself for it, but I couldn't ignore it and I knew what it meant.

I wasn't ready to let go.

"I know you're not, Bella," Embry said, "which is why I could never ask you..." His words drifted off, like he wasn't sure how to finish the sentence.

"Ask me for what?" I murmured.

"For more than you're able to give." I shuddered inwardly at the intense look in his eyes as he watched me from his spot in the passenger seat. Just as I was about to look away, Embry let his eyes fall.

"Can we still be friends?" I ventured. "I'm not saying we have to forget what happened. I don't think we can, but for now — that's all I can ask, Em." I smiled at him, perhaps the most genuine smile I'd mustered all day. "I don't want to lose that."

After several long moments – moments I found myself holding my breath – Embry nodded. His lips curled into a halfhearted smile as he did, but I found all the authenticity I needed in his eyes. "Me neither, Bells." He gave me one last small smile before his hand moved to the door and swung it open, gracefully letting himself out as the door closed behind him.

I felt myself breathe an inward sigh of relief as Embry leaned down to peer through the window. "I'll see you later, Bells." With one last smile, he stood straight and ambled away from the truck toward his front porch.

As I watched him go, I had to force myself to take a deep breath to lessen the growing knot in my stomach. I could feel the same part of me from the night before scratching at the surface, begging to be let free. It was the part of me that felt I needed to hang on, the part that couldn't bear to see him walk away.

But I knew I was doing the right thing. I just had to trust it.

I just had to trust myself.

As I put my foot on the brake and shifted the truck into reverse, Embry caught my eye as he suddenly through a glance over his shoulder. A second later, he turned and jogged back to the truck, where the passenger side window still remained open.

"Did you forget something?" I asked quietly, the knot tightening in my stomach.

Embry leaned forward, his arms resting on the open window. "No, I just – I just forgot to ask you something." He sheepishly brought his hands over his mouth as he looked anywhere but me. I cocked my head forward as I watched his russet cheeks turn a slight shade of pink.

"What?" I coaxed him with a chuckle.

With a drawn-out sigh, Embry removed his hands from in front of his mouth and spoke. "Bella, I have to ask you – and this is going to make me sound like a complete idiot, because trust me, I feel like an idiot even asking, but I...I have to ask..." He shot a nervous glance toward me. "Are you on the pill?"

Although I let my laugh die off naturally, inside, I completely froze.

 _How had I_ not _thought about that?_

In the midst of everything, not only did Embry and I lose ourselves in the heat of the moment, but also we apparently lost any trace of common sense and intelligence in the process. I'd been on the pill once – before Jacob left, just in case – but I hadn't seen the need to continue after his disappearance.

Despite the realization and despite the fact I was mentally beating myself for being so stupid, I found myself nodding at Embry. "Yeah – yeah, of course I am." I tried giving him a self-assured smile.

_Shit._

"Okay." I could see the relief melt down his face. "I'm sorry, it's just – I had to ask. I should have thought about it last night, but I didn't and...I'm sorry."

"Well, neither one of us were really thinking clearly last night, Em," I murmured, while I was silently calling myself every dirty name in the book, particularly ones that were synonymous with 'liar'.

The slight smile fell from his lips. "Yeah...that's true." With that, he pushed back from the door for a second time. "Okay, well...I'll see you around, Bella."

This time I watched him until he completely disappeared into the house, his front door securely shut behind him. I could feel my breath intensifying as I felt like I was on the verge of a small panic attack, still chiding myself for not thinking about this sooner.

What was I supposed to do now? I couldn't take it back, but how could I fix it? I couldn't ask Embry, so whom else could I turn to? Who else would understand this kind of situation, not judge me yet still be able to help?

_There was one person..._

Reaching in my pocket, I pulled out my cell phone and flipped it open. Scrolling quickly through the numbers, I found the one I wanted and hit the call button, putting the phone to my ear and taking a deep, ragged breath as I let it ring.

"Hi, Sue, it's Bella. Yeah, Bella Swan. Is Leah there?"


	16. Come Clean

_**Suggested Listening: "Trouble is a Friend" by Lenka, _ **"Beautiful Lie" by 30 Seconds to Mars,**_ "Requiem on Water" by Imperial Mammoth, "Bluebird" by Christina Perri** _

With a stomach full of resignation and anxiety, I nervously slipped my truck into park outside the Clearwater house, feeling the weight of the old vehicle shudder beneath my premature move.

_There you go, Bella. Blow up the transmission while you're at it, right along with every other part of your life as you know it._

Taking a deep breath, I balled my hand into a fist and gingerly tapped the ancient horn, trying to signal my arrival. Curling my fingers around the steering wheel, I waited for a moment and almost did it again until I saw the front door open and Leah step out, a slightly irritated scowl on her face.

The first thing I noticed about Leah, though, wasn't the look on her face. It was the fact she looked so _different_. Her shoulder-length black hair was loose around her face and she wasn't wearing her regular female version of cut-offs and loose cotton tank top she did on normal days. Instead, she was dressed in a pair of olive green, cropped cargo pants, a white V-neck t-shirt that highlighted the curves she barely had a chance to show off and a denim jacket. She even went so far as to complete the look with a pair of wedge sandals and a long necklace that hung haphazardly down her chest.

My mouth fell open slightly as she walked toward the truck. I couldn't remember the last time I saw Leah look like such a _girl_.

I barely realized I was staring until Leah opened the passenger side door and slid into the seat beside me, an admonishing look on her face.

"Shut your mouth, Swan. It makes you look simple."

My mouth closed automatically but I continued to stare. Finally, her eyebrows pulled down over her eyes. "What? Excuse me if I'm taking this little anti-pregnancy joy ride as an excuse to wear some clothes I bought a year ago. As much as I love running around naked, it's nice to leave a little something to the imagination from time to time."

I couldn't help but smile as I finally tore my eyes away, putting my foot on the brake and slipping the truck into reverse as I turned and navigated my way out of the Clearwater's driveway.

I wasn't really sure what possessed me to this point or why I'd felt driven to call Leah, of all people, when I was sitting outside Embry's house the afternoon before. Leah and I had never been best friends. In fact, we'd barely been friends at all. Most of the pack avoided Leah at all costs, and I was never able to blame them. Her attitude left a lot to be desired, and it was hard sometimes to see beyond that gigantic chip on her shoulder, caused by her ex-boyfriend and now Alpha leaving her after he imprinted on her cousin.

But that was then, I thought.

Now, I suddenly was feeling like Leah and I had more in common than we ever did before.

Someone she trusted, and someone who loved her, too, had once left Leah, with no explanation and no closure. But unlike me, she had to live with that pain. She had to live with the constant reminder of what was taken from her, parading itself in front of her without so much as a second thought. As a result, she shut herself off. She distanced herself from the pack as much as she could and tried to keep herself out of their business when they were on two legs.

And a part of me realized perhaps that was why her name immediately came to mind when I was looking for advice, when I was seeking help and support for my little slip of irresponsibility. Emily was too engrained in the pack members' lives, she was too close to Sam. I couldn't talk to one of the guys because then the whole pack would know by dinner. Leah, however, was distant enough to keep it to herself but close enough to understand, to make sure I didn't miss or forget anything else.

She also didn't care about me enough to care in the first place.

That didn't make it easy, though, or any less awkward the night before when I tried to tell her.

I sat self-consciously at the same kitchen table in the Clearwater home I'd sat at two months earlier. It was a different time then. Jacob was still here, but Billy was gone. I brushed my hand lightly over the laminate tabletop as I remembered Emily and I sitting there before we realized the full toll Billy's death would take on the pack.

"Are you gonna sit there and fondle my kitchen table all day, Swan, or you gonna tell me why you're here?"

My hand stilled and I looked up at Leah, who was sitting across from me. Her face wasn't hard like it normally was, not like it was around the guys and around Emily. We were on her turf now, in an environment that left her slightly more at ease. Still, the indifference and expectation on her features was apparent.

"Yeah," I croaked. "Sorry." When she cocked an eyebrow to coax me into continuing, I took a deep, shaky breath before getting it over with and pushing the words off my tongue. "So...I had sex last night..."

I expected a reaction – any reaction at all – but Leah's expression didn't falter, although I swear I saw her eyebrow quiver in the slightest bit. "Good for you, Swan – 'bout damn time. You're way too uptight sometimes. Maybe this'll help loosen you up."

My mouth fell open slightly as I gaped at her, suddenly unsure of what to say next. "Thanks?"

Her eyebrow fell and a smile pulled at the corner of her lips. "Shit, don't thank me. So who's the lucky guy?"

I wasn't entirely sure she meant it when she used the word 'lucky', judging by the undertone in her voice. I also wasn't entirely sure I wanted to tell her that much, but a small part of me – the part that forced the words from my mouth the first time – was pushing more up my throat without waiting for my permission.

Regardless, I tried to push it back down.

After several awkward moments of silence, Leah scoffed and pushed her chair back, rising from the table. "So when you come to someone's house to ask them for their help, you usually have to say more than that." She casually walked over to the refrigerator and swung the door open, standing there as she examined its contents. "Was it that Newton kid? Jake always had some kind of beef with that little douchebag, so I wouldn't put it past you to fuck him just to spite Jake."

If it was possible for my jaw to hit the table, it almost did. "Mike? God, no! It wasn't Mike."

"Do I know him?" Leah countered, still watching me over the refrigerator door. When I nodded, she let her eyes dart back to her task. "Figures. You're a glutton for punishment, Swan. Didn't you learn your lesson with your first Quileute?"

I winced in spite of myself, my stomach wrenching at her words.

Seeing the look on my face, something wavered on Leah's and she shrugged. "Oh, well. We're two of a kind in that respect."

I wasn't sure what it was in her words that made me let out a long exhale, suddenly feeling a pressure lift off my chest. There was something in them that made me feel that kindred connection to Leah, something that made my anxiety lessen a fraction as I watched her reach into the fridge and pull out the carton of orange juice, twisting off the lid and putting it to her mouth.

It was a trust that made me feel warranted in asking her for help and what helped the next words fall from my lips with ease.

"It was Embry."

I jumped as Leah lurched forward, the orange juice leaving her mouth in a forceful spray, splattering the freezer door in front of her. "Jesus Christ, Swan!" Her eyes closed, Leah wiped her mouth off with the back of her hand. It didn't take her long to realize it was futile, so she blindly put the orange juice back in the fridge and used her shirt to wipe the beverage off her face. "Give a girl a warning before you just let something like that slip out, huh?" She scowled at me as she looked up from her shirt.

"I'm sorry," I murmured with uncertainty and I could feel my cheeks blazing red as Leah moved to the sink to wash the orange juice off her hands.

As she rubbed them together, allowing the soap to lather, she threw a glance over her shoulder. "We are talking about Embry Call, right?"

"How many other people do you know with the name Embry, Leah?"

With a knowing wag of her eyebrows, Leah turned back toward the sink. "Good point." Switching off the faucet, she spun around, a puzzled and exasperated look on her face as she gaped at me. "Embry? _Really?_ "

The desire to defend him stabbing at my insides, I returned her stare with as much strength as I could manage. "Is there something wrong with that?" I said pointedly.

In a flash, Leah held up her hands in a defensive stance. "Hey, that's not what I said, but that shit makes sense now that I think about it." She let her hands fall as a contemplative look crossed her face. "I wondered why the hell it was Hair Band Nation day in his head all through training this morning. What a little asshole!"

"It wasn't all his fault..." I countered, the meekness making its return to my voice.

"No, stop – _please_. I'm still trying to wrap my head around this," Leah said, a smile spreading across her lips as she meandered back to the table. Placing one fist on her hip, she leaned against the back of a chair with her other hand. "I can't believe I missed this! These guys can't keep secrets to save their lives. Don't get me wrong, I'm kind of glad I missed it because I get enough of their kinky, little-boy fantasies as is, and let's face it, Swan – I like you more with your clothes on, but damn..."

"So you had no idea?"

Leah shook her head. "Not a fucking clue." She chose that moment to sink into the chair supporting her weight as she lazily leaned back in it. "Embry, huh?" she repeated, the amused chuckle that left her throat grating my nerves.

"Let me back up," she continued. "He's not a bad guy. In fact, when it comes down to it, he's probably the one I'd least like to sucker punch on a daily basis on the grounds of annoyance alone, but Jesus – I didn't know he had it in him." She let a noise laced with what could only be described as pride leave her throat. "Quil? He'd have to get you drunk first. Paul? I could see that. At least Paul's got the ass to back up the swagger." She paused, leaning forward in her chair and pointing an accusing finger at me. "And if you ever tell him I said that, I'll hang you out as bait for the next round of vampires who take up camp in Forks."

When I nodded in understanding, a slight smile pulling at my mouth, she relaxed back into her chair. "But Embry? I'm surprised he had the balls. That kid's about as sensitive as a fetus at a pro-abortion rally."

I would have laughed had I been in a better state of mind, but with Leah's teasing words, she reminded me why I was sitting in her kitchen in the first place.

And as she did, I felt the color drain from my face, and Leah was astute enough to notice.

"Oh, Jesus..." she deadpanned. "You're not knocked up, are you?"

I shook my head furiously, recovering from my shocked stupor. "No – at least I don't think so. It just happened last night."

"So you didn't use protection?" I shook my head again, and Leah rolled her eyes. "Sensitive _and_ stupid. Figures."

"We were a little caught up in everything," I replied quietly, casting an embarrassed stare at the tabletop, unable to meet Leah's eyes.

"And that's why you're here."

I nodded slowly at her question, which sounded more like a statement. "I wasn't sure what to do. I wasn't sure who I could turn to. At this point, it normally would be him, but...I don't want everyone to know about this because I'm not sure what it even means yet..." I let my eyes drift up and catch Leah's gaze. Strangely enough, there was understanding in her eyes.

"You're not on the pill, I take it?"

I shook my ahead for a third time. "I was, but I haven't been since Jacob left."

Leah scoffed. "Sucks to be him, huh? He shoulda stuck around. Looks like he missed out." I could tell the words were meant as a jibe. There was an insinuation in her tone, one that led me to believe she actually believed what she was saying, that Jacob _should_ have stuck around.

When I didn't respond, Leah shrugged. "Oh, well. It's not like you don't have options. Trust me, Swan, the morning-after pill is a girl's best friend after every unexpected one-night stand."

"I thought about that, but the clinic I went to in Forks to get my pills the last time is closed on Thursdays and Fridays."

Leah cocked an eyebrow. "I'm still confused about the part where you need my help, Swan. It looks to me like you've figured it out."

"I'm not sure where to go..."

Leah's mouth fell open again. "We live in the twenty-first century and you're telling me you can't find a clinic with a morning-after pill? It's called the internet, Swan – maybe you've heard of it?"

With a loud sigh, I crossed my arms in front of my chest. "I know. Trust me, I'm not stupid enough to not figure _that_ much out, but...I think I just wanted a real person to help me. I think I just wanted someone to talk to – someone who would understand and not judge me."

Leah laughed but I saw the flare of sympathy in her eyes. "Oh, I'm judging you! Believe me, I'm judging you – but I'll still help you. There's a clinic in Port Angeles. It's one I've went to for appointments a couple times."

"Really?"

Leah shrugged. "This reservation is small. People talk, and two things they don't need to talk about are my vagina and what goes in and out of it."

The blush spread to my neck this time, but I managed a grateful smile in Leah's direction. "Thank you."

It was Leah's turn to sigh. "You're not my favorite person, Swan. You dated a vampire, for Christ's sake. That fact alone speaks volumes on your intelligence." She paused before she continued, her lips pursed in a thin line but her features were soft as she continued. "But the shit Jacob pulled left a big enough mess for all of us to clean up, let alone you. Take it from someone who's been trying to clean up the same mess for years. We don't need to add any puppies into this big, fucking dysfunctional family we have going on here."

I couldn't have agreed more.

And now here we were, Leah and I, stuck in my truck and creeping along the highway toward Port Angeles. It wasn't quite as awkward as it was sitting at her kitchen table the night before, but it was still a foreign arrangement. I wasn't sure what I could talk about with her, so I settled on something simple.

"So, thanks again for coming with me."

Leah didn't look up from the passenger seat where she was picking at her dirty fingernails. With a huff, she gave up and let her hands fall to her lap. "No worries. Wouldn't want you to get lost or trip on your own shoelaces when you get there."

Fighting a smile at her deflection, I shot a glance toward her. "Still..."

She shrugged. "Meh...it gave me a good excuse to get off the rez for awhile, not to mention put on real clothes." She looked down at her attire, examining it carefully. "I still think you shoulda just asked Call to come – but he probably would have talked you out of it then taken you home to write an emo sonnet you could play during the birth."

I could only shake my head and bite my bottom lip. Even though I knew she was being facetious, I couldn't bring myself to smile, remembering what I had told Embry the day before, remembering how easily the lie fell from my lips.

"I didn't tell him."

"Which part? That you were going to Port Angeles to prevent his sperm from pitching a tent in your uterus or that you're not a fan of emo sonnets?"

The inappropriate smile snuck past my resolve. "Neither. I didn't tell him anything – I told him he didn't have to worry about it..."

"Spit it out, Swan."

I sighed. "I told him I was already on the pill."

"So you lied to him."

I nodded, not even sure if she was watching me. When I snuck a glance at her out my peripheral vision, I noticed she was. "I know I'm going to regret asking this," she said, "but why?"

"Honestly?"

"No, lie to me."

I rolled my eyes. "I panicked when he asked me. Neither one of us were really in our right minds when it happened. It all started at the bonfire the other night..."

"Stop!" Leah held up a hand. "Save me the graphic details, Swan. Hang on to it for a longer car ride and give me the Cliffs Notes version."

I took a deep breath. "These past couple days, we've both had a lot on our minds with this happening. It wasn't supposed to happen like this and when he asked me if I was on the pill, I panicked, and a big part of me didn't want to add any more confusion, stress or worry to his plate. I couldn't make this any harder than it already is, so I figured I'd bear this one alone."

"Always the martyr," Leah muttered.

"Was I wrong?" I asked pensively, sneaking another glance at her before my eyes returned to the white lines on the road.

Leah shrugged. "I can understand why you did. You didn't want him to freak out – I get that."

I took a little solace in Leah's approval. The truth was a new guilt had been flowing through my veins the past couple days, mixed with the residual self-reproach and confusion I had following the conversation between Embry and me. I had told him I couldn't lie to him, yet I did it anyway. He poured everything out to me, bared his soul to me in the most honest way possible, and I responded by lying to him the first chance I got.

I still believed in why I did it, but it didn't make me feel better about it.

However, Leah had no intentions of letting that belief live long.

"That doesn't mean you should have done it."

My heart sank as she backpedaled and confirmed what I already knew.

"Listen, Swan, I'm not the poster child of virtue, by any means. I've had plenty of experiences where I've lied to get myself out of awkward situations like that, and by situations, I mean get away from people where I'd rather chew my arm off with my own teeth than risk waking them up when I sneak out in the morning. We've all been there..." She paused for a moment and regarded with a look of regression. "Well, almost all of us have been there. But in this case, I really don't think it's warranted."

"Why do you say that?"

Leah sighed. "Listen, I don't pretend to be a fan of having to live my life alongside six hormonal men, especially when one of them is my actual brother. If I had a fucking dollar for every sexual fantasy I've inadvertently become a part of, I could start a circus and we could be its stars."

"But seriously," she continued. "I don't know what's been going on with you and Embry and trust me, I'm not sure I want to know. But I do know him since I have the pleasure of seeing inside his tiny, ineffectual mind, and believe me when I say it pains me to say this because, again, it might trick you into thinking I give a shit, but that kid has the most kind-hearted mind out of all us. He even rivals my brother, which is saying something." She followed her sarcastic words with another deep breath before she ran her fingers through her hair aimlessly. "It's fucking sickening, actually."

My stomach knotted as I thought about it, as she again told me something I already knew and, in this case, didn't need her to confirm.

"And I'll be straight with you, Swan, because you're annoying when you're mopey." I let her comment slide, slowly starting to realize Leah's insults should be construed more like brutal honesty. Her words weren't meant to hurt. They were only meant to inform.

"Shit's been tough since Billy died and Jake left – shit's been tough on all of us," she continued. "Our minds aren't the best places to be right now, but with Embry, it's rarely ever on himself. I might not have known about the sex, but that doesn't mean you haven't crossed his mind. And trust me when I say that telling him the truth about something like this isn't going to make him freak out. It's not going to push him away. If there was ever a bigger martyr than you, it's him."

"Why do you say that?" I asked quietly, hoping to draw more insight from the mind of Leah Clearwater, a mind in which I very rarely got the opportunity to see.

"Well, it's like I said, our minds haven't been a great place to be lately," she pressed on. "Jake's absence has been – noticeable. We'll just leave it at that. But as a pack, we haven't been able to function like we used to, like we're missing a link of something and until we get it back, we're all just going to feel – _off_. It fucks with your head."

I couldn't help but cringe. This was the second time in two days I was learning how Jacob's disappearance had not only affected me, but the pack as a whole. While Embry's confession had been raw and heartbreaking, it also was overwhelmingly human. In this case, Leah was sharing with me how it affected the bond between them when they were in their wolf form and how it somewhat disabled their ability to exist correctly.

It made my heart drop to my feet. The way Leah said it and the way she explained it made it feel like Jacob, his wolf and his soul had fallen off the face of the earth entirely.

The lump in my throat screamed with a renewed vigor.

"Leah..." I whispered. "Do you think Jacob could be dead?"

Leah heaved a massive sigh. "We have no idea. The pack link weakens the further we get away from each other, so if he's not, he's pretty fucking far away if we can't feel him at all. No one really knows, but no one really talks about it either. We just try to function. Sam just finally appointed Paul back to beta yesterday."

Again, it felt like someone punched me in the stomach. The revelation again felt entirely too final. I had to blink back the tears as I felt them collect behind my eyelids.

Leah chose that moment to look over at me, a scowl crossing her face. "Jesus, Swan, are you gonna be okay? You look like you're gonna puke all over your fucking dashboard."

Swallowing thickly, I nodded. "This is all news to me," I replied.

"Well, don't make yourself sick over it. I don't worry about it much – you shouldn't either. I'm sure he's fine. He's obviously just far enough away so we can't find him, and we have to keep moving forward, with or without him," Leah muttered. "Sam needs a second and without Jake around? He didn't have much of a choice. As a pack, we're trying to put the pieces together the best we can."

"I can't imagine how hard that would be for a bond like that," I said quietly, focusing on my breaths and calming the anxiety rooted in the pit of my stomach. It was futile to let it overtake me, mostly because I refused to believe Jacob was, in fact, dead. "I had no idea."

"So your little Ron Jeremy never told you that, huh?"

"Who?"

Leah laughed, a wholehearted laugh, one I wasn't sure I'd ever heard come from her. "You're such a fucking virgin." Then she looked at me, her eyes widening and her mouth dropping into an 'O' as she feigned surprise. "Oh, wait! Not anymore!"

I couldn't fight the grin this time. "Shut the hell up, Leah."

"She's got a dirty mouth, too," she goaded. "There's hope for you yet, Swan."

Leah her chuckle die down at the same time I noticed we were approaching the edge of Port Angeles. There were a few moments of silence before I remembered my unanswered question.

"So what's all that have to do with Embry being a martyr?"

Leah crossed her arms in front of her chest and stared out the window. "Well, while the rest of us worry about the pack and how we're dealing with this, he worries about _you_." She chose that second to cast a glance in my direction, and she found I already was watching her intently between keeping my eyes on the road.

"I didn't know that," was all I could say as I felt my stomach flutter. I obviously knew how much he cared about me – he'd always told me as much – but someone who had a direct link to his mind had never told me.

"Well, no one would really expect you to since you're not cursed with sharing a mind with these guys, and you should thank your lucky stars for that, " she replied. "But trust me when I say everything he's done since Jake left hasn't been for him." She eyed me expectantly, and she didn't have to say the words for me to fill in the blanks. "Honestly," she continued pensively, "it really makes me wonder how the hell I didn't see this coming."

"I didn't either, so don't feel bad," I murmured genuinely as I let the truck roll to a stop at the first light in Port Angeles.

"Oh, I don't," she quipped. "What you do in your own time is none of my business, but I guess what I'm trying to say is there's no reason to lie to him. If I had as much compassion in my whole body as that boy does in his pinky, I'd be doing pretty damn good. Nothing's fucked him up yet, at least not the way you and me are fucked up." I could hear the scoff in her throat before she continued. "So I guess what I'm saying is don't lie to him. Don't fuck him up, too."

I wasn't sure of the depth behind Leah's words or how far-reaching they were intended to be, but my guess was she meant them in the moment and simply wanted me to realize why it wouldn't be prudent to jeopardize my friendship with Embry over a stupid lie.

And I knew she was right. Embry had given a lot, more than I deserved, and once again, he deserved better from me.

I didn't even realize I was smiling at Leah until she scowled at me. "I'm not sure what that look is all about, but you better wipe it off your face before I do it for you. Just because I spoke more words to you in the last twenty minutes than I have in the year I've known you doesn't make us BFFs. I'm just trying to save you from doing something stupid."

I didn't look away, and I only let the smile lessen a fraction. "And I appreciate you for it, Leah," I replied genuinely. "But you're breaking my heart. I was really looking forward to the slumber party."

Leah snorted. "You fucking would."

* * *

Several hours later, we were on our way back to La Push. Somehow, our impromptu trip had turned into much more than an emergency contraception run.

Granted, it started out that way.

Sitting outside the clinic, Leah instructed me on what to ask for.

"Plan B, Swan. It's not that hard. It's the letter that comes directly after A."

"How many packages do I need?"

Leah scoffed. "One?" She shook her head in amazement at my naïve questions on the subject. "Trust me, I've seen these guys. They aren't packing enough to successfully produce super sperm – at least I fucking hope not."

As I grabbed my wallet and clambered out of the truck, Leah hollered at me once more as I hit the sidewalk in front of the clinic. I turned, and she looked both ways before hissing at me through the open window. "And make sure you ask them for a month's free sample of the _actual_ pill – enough to tide you over until you can make an appointment with your own doctor."

I had planned to ask about my options when I went into the clinic, but I felt the need to stress my point anyway. "I wouldn't worry about it. It's not gonna happen again."

"Swan!" she snapped. "As much fun as I'm going to have today, I'd be okay not doing this again for awhile. And I am too fucking young to be an aunt. Get the god damn pills, even if you don't plan on having sex again till you're 40."

"Thanks, Mom."

"No, sweet cheeks, that's what _you'll_ be if you don't get your ass in there."

As I approached the clinic, I could hear Leah mumbling under her breath. "'Not gonna happen again'...yeah, fucking right. That's what we all say."

Once I returned from the clinic with a small, white paper bag filled with what we came for, Leah announced in a not-so-subtle tone that she was "fucking hungry." We then proceeded to a small bistro in downtown Port Angeles and enjoyed a mostly silent lunch. I picked at a salad while Leah ate two chicken salad croissants and a huge bowl of soup, and I also was entertained as I watched the two 30-something males at the next table over ogle Leah in wonder as she packed away every last crumb of food.

"Shit," she commented when she realized she had an audience. "And it's been two months since I've had eyebrow wax. Impressive."

On our way out the door, Leah bought a bottle of water and handed it to me once we were outside by the truck. As I stood there holding the beverage, she opened the door and rooted around in the white paper bag. I heard her rip open a box and pop the pill out of its foil casing. Closing the door, she turned around and held her hand out, two pills nestled between her fingers. I extended my hand and allowed her to drop them in my palm.

"You can take them both now. Usually you're supposed to wait 12 hours on the second one, but I read somewhere they might be more effective if you take them both at once. Not sure if that's true but, you know, just in case it _is_ super sperm," she smirked.

When we were finished, Leah announced she was going to the salon and spa across the street from the bistro. When I gaped at her in disbelief, she rolled her eyes. "I made an appointment before you picked me up this morning." When I simply blinked at her, she snorted. "Go buy yourself a fucking book or something and give me an hour. Mama needs some loving."

I did indeed do as she suggested, making the trek to the bookstore where I picked over the used section, perusing through the worn pages before I chose three different titles and paid the seven dollars for them. As I walked back toward the salon, I couldn't help but take a deep breath and enjoy the sudden peace that surrounded me. I was taken aback at how normal everything felt, but instead of overthinking it, I embraced the moment of clarity as I made my way back to meet Leah.

Leah emerged from the salon about fifteen minutes behind schedule, but I could tell what she was referring to when she mentioned needing some "loving." Her hair was suddenly an inch shorter and had new layers cut into it I hadn't noticed before. Looking closer, I also could tell she'd gotten the eyebrow wax she'd been complaining about.

"What?" She snapped when she caught me watching her. "I spend ninety-eight percent of my time in the dirt and surrounded by men. It's nice to feel like a lady sometimes. I forget what the hell that even means most days." She smirked as I stood up from the bench. "Even got a bikini wax – Brazilian." I could feel the heat start in my cheeks as her lips turned up in a snide smile.

"Sorry, Swan," she continued unabashedly. "Cameras aren't really portable when you're naked, but if they were, I'd totally take a picture of the guys' faces when they see _that_ later – especially Sam. Last time I did it, that image was running through his brain for months..."

The sun was starting to set as we finally returned to La Push. I could almost feel the unease return the second we crossed the reservation's borders, the trees, houses and roads burned into my memory like a bad song I couldn't get off repeat.

I took a deep breath instead, willing the feeling away as I tried to focus on how I'd felt earlier. I tried to grasp on to the calm.

"Stop by Sam and Emily's, will you?" Leah said as we approached the turn-off for their home. "I swear to Christ he said something about another fucking training tomorrow, but we can stop by and check since it's on the way."

I nodded at her request. "Sure."

As we pulled into the driveway and I drove the truck over its crest, the house came into view. It was lit up, a warm, yellow glow pouring from the windows and as we got closer, I could tell we weren't the only visitors there, although I wasn't aware of anything going on tonight. Through the sliding glass doors, I could see Jared and Paul at the table. Emily was bustling around the kitchen and Quil was leaning against the corner separating the kitchen from the living room.

And as I shifted the truck into park, pocketing my keys as I let myself out of the cab, I noticed a familiar figure sitting on the porch steps, a large pot between his feet, a paper bag of sweet corn next to him and one ear in his hands.

And as his eyes met mine, a smile spreading across his lips, I felt the calm I'd been searching for return in its entirety.

"Hey!" Embry called out, brushing the last remaining strands of silk from the ear of corn before letting it drop into the pot. "Emily's just starting dinner – you're just in time. I tried calling..."

Suddenly remembering my phone in my back pocket, I frowned and pulled it out, flipping it open to discover the battery was completely dead. I shut it quickly and held it out in front of me. "Dead," I said with a slight smile before slipping it back into my pocket.

"That would explain why it went straight to voicemail," he chuckled, leaning his elbows against his knees.

In that moment, Leah walked in front of me from the opposite side of the truck. Embry's gaze fell on her and I watched as his smile, not to mention the rest of his face, froze as he put two and two together and realized she had indeed gotten out of the same vehicle as me.

"Leah," he greeted her skeptically.

"Ron," she retorted quickly as she approached the porch steps.

Embry's face screwed up in confusion as he watched her walk closer. My stomach twisted fiercely. "Who?"

I heard Leah groan. "Jesus Christ, I'm _surrounded_ by virgins who aren't actually virgins! You guys really are a fucking disgrace."

Embry's mouth fell open as he followed Leah, who brushed past him as she made her way up the steps. His eyes darted toward me, where I stood frozen in place, my hands clamped into nervous, tight fists. "What the hell are you talking about, Leah?" Embry exclaimed, his mouth still open slightly after he spoke the words.

"Oh, can it, Rico Suavé – she told me all about it," Leah snapped.

All my breath left me and I had no choice but to meet Embry's frantic eyes as they shot back toward me. As I stood there, helpless, watching Leah as she purposely halted just outside the closed sliding glass door, all I could do was shrug. "I told her."

"And don't get your panties in a twist, Call – I'm not going to say anything, mentally or out loud," Leah cut in, her hand now resting on the door handle. "I've gotten pretty good at keeping you shitheads out of my thoughts." With that, she looked up at me and I swore I could see a smile playing at her lips. "There – I got him started for you."

As Leah turned back toward the door, I was almost ready to let my eyes fall to Embry when she threw one last glance over her shoulder. "Oh, and Bella?" The grin was splayed ridiculously across her face now, and I couldn't help the feeling of warmth that spread through me when I realized it was the first time all day she called me by my first name.

"If you ever want one of those Brazilian bikini waxes, let me know. I know a place..." With a quick wink, she turned back toward the door and threw it open, closing it behind her as she retreated inside.

I didn't need to touch my cheeks to feel the fire spreading across them. I finally let myself look at Embry, who was gaping at nothing in particular, his face a mixture of embarrassment, shock and curiosity. I fought the urge to roll my eyes at the last expression as I took a few steps forward.

Finally, his head swiveled toward me, his mouth still open slightly. "Out of all people you could've told, _that's_ who you picked?"

I fought the smile on my lips, pulling the bottom one between my teeth as I shrugged. "I know," I murmured as I took another few steps forward, closing the gap between us as Embry's eyes followed me the entire way. With a sigh, I bent down and picked up the bag of sweet corn and collapsed on the stairs next to him, sitting the bag between my own feet. Pulling an ear out, I looked at him as I grabbed the husk and pulled part of it off, letting it fall to the ground. "I trust her, though. She's not going to say anything. If I didn't I wouldn't have told her."

Embry scoffed as he reached down and grabbed another ear for himself, brushing my leg with his forearm as he did. "Your faith in her is admirable, Bells." He peered over his shoulder anxiously, as if contemplating his own confidence in Leah's character.

"You're not mad?" I ventured cautiously. Embry and I had never discussed keeping what happened under wraps.

"No," he said quietly as he turned the ear of corn aimlessly between his fingers. "I guess I just figured it wasn't something we were going to make public."

"I know," I agreed, pulling the remaining husk from my ear of corn, distracting me from the conversation I knew was about to ensue. "Me neither, and I'm not going to tell anyone else, Em, I promise. But with Leah, I kinda had to..."

Embry's forehead wrinkled as he peered at me out of the corner of his eye. "Why?"

"I needed her help."

"Her help?" The frequency in Embry's voice switched noticeably from curiosity to worry. "Is everything okay?"

I nodded, casting a glance at him and managing a smile. "Everything's fine, but I just needed her help..." I took a deep breath. _Come clean, Bella. No lies._ "I needed her advice, and I needed her help finding a clinic."

My thoughts were interrupted when Embry suddenly lost his grip on the ear of corn he was holding and it fell, catching the edge of the pot and rolling into the dirt. Grumbling, he leaned forward and picked it up before giving it an irritated glance. Pulling back his arm, he sent it hurdling into the dark forest behind my truck.

"A clinic? Bella, what the hell is going on?" Embry said, his face a mix of nerves and confusion as he looked back toward me.

I took another deep breath. "You remember yesterday when you asked me if I was on the pill?"

Still gaping at me, Embry nodded. "Yeah..."

Sighing, I reached over and let my ear of corn drop into the pot before leaning my elbows against my knees and meeting his gaze. "I lied to you."

Embry was silent for a moment, his face stoic, but I could see the ripple of fear beneath the surface of his collected exterior. I could see it in his eyes, the confusion and the traces of hurt, hurt I was responsible for putting there with my words. "Why?"

I did everything I could to silently project my apology, the regret, as I held his dark eyes with mine. "I panicked. After everything that happened, I didn't want to give you one more thing to worry about."

I watched Embry's shoulders heave with his deep breath. "Bella..."

"I know," I interrupted. "I shouldn't have done it, and I'm sorry. I know this now. I knew it before, but Leah kinda helped me see how stupid it was and how I have absolutely no reason to lie to you about anything."

Embry cocked one eyebrow. "Really? Leah helped you see that?" he said skeptically.

I chuckled as I finally let my gaze fall to my hands. "Yeah, kinda. I thought I did it for the right reasons, but there are none. I should have just trusted you, like I've trusted you this entire time. I guess I still have kind of a hard time with that, trusting that what I do won't push the people I care about away."

As I looked back at Embry, I could see the smile pulling at his lips. "Bella, I've already told you – I'm not going anywhere."

I smiled as he let the words leave his mouth. Leah was right, and I _should_ have known.

"I know," I repeated, the two words a verbal reminder of something I knew I needed to keep telling myself.

"So is that why you needed Leah's help? To find a clinic?"

I nodded. "Yes and no. I think I just needed someone to talk to, someone who _wasn't_ in the garage the other night."

"No, I get that," Embry murmured, the understanding apparent in his voice. He looked up at me, though, his eyebrow back in its super-aware state. "But Leah? _Really_?"

I couldn't help but chuckle as I noticed the parallels between a very similar conversation I had with the only female pack member a day earlier in her kitchen.

"Funny – she said the same thing about you."

Embry rolled his eyes and snorted. "Of course she did." Shaking his head, he rubbed his face with his hands before leaning over and picking up another ear of corn. "So did you get everything figured out then?"

I nodded. "Yes. There will be no puppies in our future, Em." I couldn't help but grin as I watched his eyes fall to the ground, a sheepish smile spreading across his face. It was getting hard to see it as the sun finally sank below the tips of the trees.

"Good," was all he managed to squeak out.

Letting my grin fall into a smaller smile, I placed one hand on his knee and squeezed it. "So, still friends?"

I watched the smile fade off Embry's face as it was replaced by a look of affection. It took him several moments, though, before he nodded. "Right – still friends."

Letting my hand linger on his knee a little longer than necessary, I suddenly remembered it was there and withdrew it, choosing to nudge him with my shoulder instead. "I'm going to go see if Emily needs any help with dinner." With that, I stood and ascended the remaining steps before heading toward the door.

"Hey, Bella?"

"Yeah?" I stopped with my hand on the door, turning to look at him over my shoulder.

Embry was watching me, slightly turned in my direction. He gave me a soft, kind-hearted smile, the fading light leaving his face barely visible. "Don't lie to me again, okay? If I haven't given up on you yet, you being honest with me isn't going to be what makes me throw in the towel."

A pleasant knot formed in my stomach as I nodded. "I won't – I promise."


	17. At War

_**Suggested Listening: "Little Hell" by City and Colour, "Distance" by Christina Perri and Jason Mraz, "Suitcase" by Circa Survive, "Frozen Creek" by Circa Survive, "Breath of Life" by Florence + The Machine** _

**EMBRY POV**

_He_ was the reason I was here. At this particular moment in time, it had nothing to do with me.

It was all about _him_ right now.

Readjusting myself on the cold, hard ground, I straightened my back against the rough bark of the pine tree. I could barely hear my own sigh as I allowed my head to rest against the tree trunk, aimlessly peering through the pitch-black darkness and trees at what used to be the home of my best friend. There wasn't a single light on, so I knew she was asleep. The windows were open in the house, and from where I sat I couldn't hear a thing.

But when the wind blew just right, I would catch her scent. It was barely a hint of her and when I did, it would spread through me at a beautifully slow and agonizing speed until every last inch of me was filled with her. Once that happened, he was happy.

Who was I kidding?

 _I_ was happy.

I propped my elbows against my knees and forcefully rubbed my eyes with the heels of my hands, trying to clear my head. I'd never felt so confused yet so certain about anything in my entire life. I was at war with myself.

I was at war with the wolf.

Taking a deep, ragged breath, I let my eyes close. It was starting to become all too clear how out of control everything was getting. The beach, the garage, the truck ride home the morning after, the night on Sam and Emily's porch – each time, each moment I shared with her, was stacking up, making it glaringly clear both the wolf and me wanted the same thing.

_Bella._

But only one of us was willing to wait.

There was one thing I knew for sure when it came to me. Everything I said to Bella the morning after, every word I spoke to her following the accidental yet intimate moments we shared, was true. For her sake, I was sorry for letting it happen. I didn't know _how_ it happened. One moment, she was my friend, a member of a family of which I'd spent my entire life being a part.

The next moment, though? She was simply Bella.

What happened opened my eyes, and for that I couldn't be sorry. For the first time since that day in the garage two years ago, the day I met her, it opened my eyes to _her_. Again, she was only Bella. She was beautiful, generous, kindhearted Bella. She was the person whose eyes caught fire when they landed on me, the person I could tell anything to and the only woman I saw in return.

She was no longer a part of Jake. He left her – he cut her loose – and as a result, she didn't belong to him anymore.

_And I was falling for her._

And the wolf knew this.

He knew it, and I knew it, but the thin layer of guilt and betrayal caused by my missing best friend cast a shadow over every thought and every action at my surface. I couldn't tell her the truth, I couldn't tell her what had been building inside me in the two weeks since I'd taken from her in the garage something Jake never had, perhaps something he was never meant to take in the first place. I couldn't tell her it was growing from a foundation I didn't know I'd created, a feeling planted long before I ever realized it.

I couldn't tell her because she hadn't let go of Jake. She wasn't _ready_ to let go of Jake.

After everything, a part of her wasn't willing to validate just how much things between us changed. She'd told me how, in the moment, she enjoyed herself. It wasn't just that moment, though, despite what she said. In the days following, I could sense how I made her feel. I could hear her heart quicken when she saw me, and I never missed the slight shift in her scent when I came closer. Something had changed for her, too, but outwardly, she wasn't budging an inch.

And I kept telling myself not to push her.

 _Be steady, be supportive, be for her what you've always been. Be_ who _you've always been. When she's ready, she will tell you._

But it was growing harder and harder to speak the words to myself, because the wolf didn't care about that either. When it came to Bella, he only had one word to say, one word to remind me of everything.

_Mine._

After I phased for the first time, I came to terms quickly with the reality of knowing I had another soul within me, another being, bonded to my own. I learned to live with it – we all had – embracing it and developing a harmony, an understanding conducive to both parts until gradually, we became one.

But now the separation was blinding, and it was grating at me in a way I was still figuring out how to grasp.

This was a side of the wolf I was just now becoming acquainted with, and I'd be lying if I said its presence wasn't overwhelming, not to mention held the potential to be completely altering. I first became aware of it the night in the garage. In the moment where Bella's skin was hot under my hands, the moment I pushed into her and she cried out as our bodies joined – the moment _we_ were one – the thunderous shift built within me and, as I let myself surrender to my instincts, it was almost like I felt myself become whole.

_Like I'd been missing a part of myself the entire time._

The second I separated from Bella that night in the garage, I knew something changed. When I left her, the second I phased, I could tell. In wolf form, I was pleased. I was proud. I was _triumphant_.

And I wanted nothing more than to turn around and run back to the garage.

I didn't know what to make of it. I wasn't like Bella. What happened with her wasn't my first time, despite my ability to keep a lid on that fact. There'd only been one other, and it was with one of Kim's airheaded friends she brought to a bonfire, a bonfire Bella and Jake missed because they opted to go see a movie in Port Angeles instead. Spending so much time always surrounded by couples, constantly parading their togetherness for the entire world to see and getting mental replays of everything _else_ the next day, I think a part of me just wanted to know what it would feel like to be with someone. Call it satisfying a morbid curiosity, but I wanted to know what it was like to have someone who belonged to me, something to call my own.

It didn't work.

The "relationship" was short-lived and there was no connection, aside from the few times she would drop by my house unexpectedly when my mom was at work and leave an hour later, having gotten what she came for.

I remembered how pissed Jake was I'd lost my virginity before him. I remembered laughing at him, telling him it was no big deal because to me, it wasn't. There was nothing there. I felt nothing for her, and neither did the wolf.

That's how I knew this time was different. That's how I knew _Bella_ was different. This wasn't like before. The intense amount of feelings, confusion, conflict, and passion I held inside me all at once these days confirmed it. _This_ connection, present in every single thought I had, confirmed it.

It wasn't an imprint. Through Sam's mind, through Jared's, I knew what an imprint felt like and this was not it. These feelings were entirely different. As a man, I still had a choice.

But inside, the wolf was telling me I'd already made my choice.

I'd found the person I was meant to be with.

He was selfish, and he wouldn't let me forget it as he encouraged me to be, too. Everything I thought leading up to it, the thoughts I'd mulled over as I followed Bella on the beach that night, dissipated one by one. He wanted Bella near him, just like I did. But he was restless and anxious when I was away from her, and when she was next to me, he wanted her closer.

_I knew that feeling, too._

But for the most part, I kept him subdued. I told myself I had no choice when it came to that. This also wasn't something Bella was ready for, and it definitely wasn't something she would understand. I could barely grasp it as I stumbled over coming to terms with the attachment coursing through my veins like fire, the gravity of what was developing weighing at my entire being.

_For the most part._

There were moments I almost slipped, and lately, it was becoming too easy to let the wolf take over. It was too easy to let my mind stay where it wanted – to Bella – for a moment too long. I did everything I could to bury the most intimate parts and would focus my mind on everything around me – the color of the flowers to my right, the feel of the earth under my paws, the thoughts of the others as I ran, pushing myself against the wind and focusing on the feel of it as I did.

But when I was on two legs, I didn't have to be so careful. The wolf could grumble all he wanted.

And that's exactly what he did.

The night Bella and Leah went to Port Angeles, as we were getting ready to have dinner in Sam and Emily's kitchen, he almost ruined it for me...

"Quil, get your feet off the table!"

Quil groaned as Emily reached over the bowl of hot sweet corn and roughly pushed his feet from where they rested on the table's sturdy corner. Muttering something unintelligible under his breath, Quil reached beneath the chair and straightened it so he was bellied up to the table instead of using it as his own personal recliner.

I stood leaning against the refrigerator as I watched everyone else move around me. Emily was putting the finishing touches on the dinner table, meticulously arranging the bowls and plates so everyone would have easy access to them. Sam sat at the head of the table, his eyes traveling wherever Emily moved, like it was an old habit he never considered giving a second thought. Jared was sitting across from Quil and was eyeing the fried chicken like it might grow legs and run away if he didn't. Paul had disappeared to the bathroom some time ago, and Leah made herself scarce before I even went into the house, looking down at me with one eyebrow cocked and a smirk on her lips as she trotted down the porch steps.

I watched, but I didn't _see_ any of them.

There was only one person I saw as she brushed past me from the living room toward the kitchen table, the skin of her arm accidentally grazing mine as she passed.

And in that moment, the wolf bucked slightly, just as he had when she put her hand on my knee while we sat on the porch steps, telling me to reach out, to touch her in return.

But again, I fought him back.

_Not here, not now, not like this._

He didn't like that, and continued to scratch at my insides, chipping away at my inner resolve piece by microscopic piece.

But I did everything I could to drown him out, instead focusing my attention on the only thing I knew would shut him up.

I watched Bella as she moved to the foot of the table. I barely heard her as she muttered something to Quil. A vibrant laugh fell from her lips when he responded, and she reached out and playfully punched his shoulder. I couldn't help but smile as she did, and a moment later, the grin still playing on her face, Bella looked up at me. She met my gaze and her features softened with satisfaction, almost like she was looking up to see if I was smiling, too – like the joke wasn't complete unless we both thought it was funny.

She held my eyes for just a moment before she let them fall to the table, sliding slowly and carefully into her chair. I couldn't move as I found myself studying parts of her I swear I'd never noticed before – the way her upper lip twitched just before she smiled, the way her fingers would come out of nowhere to tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear, the way her eyes would flit in my direction for just the briefest of seconds, almost like she knew I was watching her but didn't care to call me out on it.

As I took it all in, the wolf was silent. He was happy.

 _I_ was happy.

"Let's eat!"

Emily announcing the start of our meal brought me out of my reverie. I stood up straight from my spot against the refrigerator and eyed the chair between Bella and Jared. Before I took a step, though, Paul emerged from the back hallway and approached the table, cutting off my path as he eyed it with raised eyebrows, his trademark cocky smirk spread arrogantly across his face.

Something inside me twitched.

"Mm, that smells good," he crooned, approaching Bella's chair from behind and placing his hands on the back of it, leaning forward into the scent of fried chicken, sweet corn and fresh bread. I watched as he bent forward, reaching over Bella's shoulder to snag a small piece of chicken from the plate, his face unnecessarily close to hers.

The twitch turned into a distant growling, and I felt my muscles tense slightly.

"You help make this?" Paul murmured, cocking one eyebrow as he turned his face toward Bella, causing her to jump and pull back a few inches in surprise.

She shook her head, swallowing thickly. "No."

"Damn," he retorted. "That's a shame. I like your fried chicken." With that, he went to pull back and stand straight, grinning like an idiot, but when his face grazed the strands of Bella's hair that were falling down her shoulder, he stopped. For a moment, he just lingered there like he'd been struck dumb. Over a few infinite seconds, I watched Bella stiffen as Paul suddenly turned his face, his nose now right up against her hair, as he inhaled sharply through it.

Everyone but me seemed oblivious to the situation as they filled their plates with the various items spread around the table. I wasn't paying attention to them, though. Instead, I watched as Bella's entire body tensed, mostly due to Paul's invasion of her personal space but partly out of confusion.

I knew Paul wasn't going to hurt her, but at the same time, I really had no clue what he was doing. Whatever it was, coupled with Bella's reaction, had me bristling on the inside. I suddenly found myself wanting to tell him to back off, to move away from her, as I felt an unfamiliar wave of something that could only be described as _possessiveness_ overcome me, bubbling slowly from the place I'd pushed both the scratching and the grumbling.

_Mine._

Letting my breath leave me in a silent rush, the powerful feeling within me caused my arm to shoot out, my palm using the refrigerator to brace myself as I tried to keep myself from reeling under its strength.

Still, no one noticed, and my gaze remained fixed on Bella and Paul.

Bella's face screwed up noticeably as she glared at Paul. "What the hell are you doing?" she whispered.

Paul's was equally pensive. "You smell funny."

I felt all the blood rush to my feet, and I watched as all the color drained from Bella's face.

Bella blinked. "What are you talking about?"

Paul inhaled one last time before straightening, taking a swift bite off the chicken leg he snagged a moment earlier. "You smell funny," he repeated through the mouthful of food. "Like sex. Like lots of sex, actually."

My stomach wrenched violently.

The pill she'd taken, all the hormones, the residual traces of me. Combined together, it all made sense why he could suddenly detect it, especially since he'd been so close to her.

_Shit._

For a brief, unnoticeable second, Bella's eyes snapped toward me before returning to Paul, her mouth slightly open in wordless shock. She had no idea what to say. I couldn't speak either, and I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath as I heard most of the side chatter from the table slowly decrease as they noticed, too. On the outside, I was stoic. Inside, though, buried deep in the ruthless pit of my existence, I felt something else.

Smug.

The bastard was fucking _smug_.

Shaking my head, I opened my eyes and immediately found Bella and Paul once again. Paul was still standing behind Bella, watching her expectantly, like he figured if he just kept staring at her, she'd eventually fess up and spill the beans about everything.

He was wrong, though.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

She tore her eyes away from him, her gaze now centered on the plate in front of her. Her heart was pounding, her pulse racing, and I could see the blush spreading across her cheeks. If I could see all those things, if I could hear them, I knew Paul could, too.

Paul chuckled as he walked to the other side of her chair, his smirk widening as he approached the empty one next to her, although he didn't sit down. He wasn't going to let it go.

"Well, something's off, kiddo. You reek. It's most definitely not _you_."

I took an involuntary step forward.

Bella cleared her throat awkwardly before reaching for a piece of bread, obviously trying to keep her body occupied. It wouldn't betray her that way. Faking all the nonchalance she possibly could, she shrugged. "I was around Leah all day. Maybe that has something to do with it."

Paul snorted as he let his arm drop back to Bella's chair, obviously showing he had no intentions of moving. He leaned on it, crossing one leg in front of the other as he brought his other hand up to take another bite of chicken, his eyes aimlessly surveying the others around the table. "It's not Leah. Trust me...what you smell like? That's a smell I know a little about. Everyone's is different."

I could feel myself starting to burn up on the inside as I took another step forward, watching Bella shift uncomfortably in her seat. She wasn't happy. She was uneasy and Paul was overstepping. No part of me could lie and say I didn't care. But what I wasn't prepared for was the anger, a frustration, a need to protect Bella as I felt it rising, boiling just below the surface of my skin as it frantically tried to find a reason, an excuse to come out.

Bella was now reaching for her butter knife as she realized the conversation around the table was starting to die down. "Well, I don't know what to tell you." She brushed a strand of hair out of her face with her free hand before looking at Quil. "Can you pass me the butter please?"

Paul smirked again as Bella took the butter dish from a wary Quil. "It's not a big deal, chica. We're all friends here. If that's the case, I just wanted to be the first to give you a congratulatory pat on the back for becoming a woman." He chuckled at his own twisted sense of humor, although I was having a really hard time finding anything funny about airing Bella's personal life for the entire pack to see. The old me may have forgiven Paul because he was just being Paul, making jokes at the expense of others but unable to tell when he'd possibly crossed a line due to his inability to filter.

But that was before.

I took _another_ step forward.

Bella reddened profusely as her knife moved lithely over the slice of bread. Paul chuckled again, removing his hand from her chair and roughly rubbing her back, stopping only to pat it before continuing the exaggerated motions.

The boiling inside me erupted into a snarl.

"Man," Paul shook his head before tearing off another bite of chicken. "If Jake ever gets tired of playing hide and seek one of these days, that's gonna be a cluster fuck if I ever saw one. He never was very good at sharing."

In that moment, I heard Bella's heartbeat falter and her breathing stop.

And the snarl inside me snapped.

 _I_ snapped.

My body didn't wait for my permission as the wolf took over so quickly I was unable to stop him. In three long strides, I was behind Bella's chair, my right arm coming up swiftly and clamping on to Paul's shoulder with a loud smack. His hand left Bella's back abruptly, now suspended in mid-air as his mouth fell open in a mix of shock and surprise. Slowly, his eyes traveled down to where my hand gripped his shoulder, taking it in, processing what exactly it was I'd just done. A few long moments later, his hard stare traveled up to meet mine. His eyes were narrow and I could tell his lips were fighting his own snarl.

Had I been anyone else, I knew I wouldn't still be standing upright. I was used to Paul's attitude, his volatile tantrums, and he was used to me keeping my mouth shut while he got it out of his system. I could tell my unexpected stand was throwing him for a loop.

Still, I didn't back down. Not this time.

For a split second, the wolf and I were on the same page.

I could hear every single remaining voice in the kitchen cut off as everyone's eyes snapped toward us. They bored holes through me, waiting for me to explain myself, although I was positive they already had a feeling what this was about.

My explanation came in the form of three words.

"Leave her alone."

I barely recognized the tone laced throughout the words as I spoke them. Regardless, I didn't falter. I wasn't entirely sure I could, even if I wanted to. This was coming from a place I wasn't familiar with, the anger almost tangible as it radiated from my voice.

Paul gaped at me. It wasn't unlike me to stand up for Bella – that was something I'd always done – but the way I'd approached him, the way I'd went about it was still something he wasn't used to. Suddenly, it was almost like he remembered who he was and who _I_ was as I saw Paul's chest heave with a restrained breath, his nostrils flaring as the air left his body.

Out of nowhere, his left arm came up from his side, violently sweeping my hand from his shoulder. Without me restraining him, he turned slightly, squarely facing me as I felt myself instinctively straighten, both feet planting firmly on the floor.

"What the fuck's your problem, Call?" he spat out, his breath hot on my face.

I didn't budge, and I swear I almost forgot we had an audience. " _You're_ my problem. Can't you see you're making her uncomfortable? What Bella does is none of your business, so again, let me repeat myself in case you didn't understand the first time – leave her alone."

Again, Paul spent the first couple moments after I spoke frozen in angry shock. I knew what led me here. It was the feelings I'd experienced minutes earlier when he first approached Bella, the protectiveness, the territorial need to let him know Bella was no longer someone he could mess with. In that moment, her happiness, her emotional well-being was the only thing that mattered.

"You're walking a dangerous line here, kid." Paul stepped forward so we were almost nose-to-nose. "You wanna keep pushing? You wanna keep acting like a tough guy because I was giving Bella some shit? You really wanna see where it gets you?"

At Paul's threat, I could feel any last traces of the Embry everyone was used to dissolving as the wolf took over completely in a way I'd never felt before. My jaw tightened, the nod I gave him almost indiscernible.

"Try me."

And I meant it. And Paul's eyes betrayed the fact he knew it, too.

"That's enough!"

As I stood there, facing off with Paul in the middle of our Alpha's kitchen, I couldn't help but think it was appropriate that Sam's Alpha timbre was the only thing that could make the wolf back down. He'd completely clouded my mind and Sam, sitting on the outside of everything, obviously had a clearer head.

And as the wolf slunk back to his hiding place under his Alpha's command, as Paul glared at me while taking a couple steps back, I remained stoic but I could feel all traces of level-headedness I'd lost come rushing back.

"You two really want to get into a fight in my kitchen? If you're itching to blow off some steam, control yourselves until we can do it in a more appropriate place," Sam's voice boomed from the head of the table. "My dinner table is _not_ that place."

It took several moments but eventually, I was able to pry my eyes away from Paul and glance at Sam. It wasn't his stern, business-only face that rocked me, though – it was the look on everyone else's. Emily's eyes were on high alert, her face teetering dangerously on an emotion that could only be described as fear. Quil's mouth was hanging open in shock and disbelief, and I could see the confusion around the edges. Jared didn't look much different.

But it wasn't until I looked down, finding two wide, chocolate brown eyes and an incredulous face plastered with shock and coupled with a trace of embarrassment staring up at me, that I really wanted to crawl in the hole right alongside my wolf.

I'd disappointed her. My reasoning was justified – noble, even – but one look at her face told me it wasn't necessary, at least not to the extent I'd taken it.

She didn't understand, though. She didn't understand why I'd done it and I couldn't tell her.

That was probably the worst part.

I couldn't bear the look in her eyes any longer as I tore mine away. "Sorry, Sam," was all I could mutter. I had no choice because until he knew why, he also couldn't understand why I did what I did, and that wasn't something I was going to reveal over fried chicken and sweet corn. I wasn't Paul.

So instead, I turned and quietly walked to the empty chair between Sam and Quil, sinking into it and doing my best to ignore Quil's suspicious stare from beside me.

After dinner, I'd retreated to the front porch while Bella helped Emily clean up. I sat there on the steps, silently and patiently, thankful for the quiet and thankful the wolf had enough for one night. The point was made, even if I'd come dangerously close to revealing everything in the process, and it was safe to say I'd realized something in the process.

 _I have to get a handle on this_ , I thought as I rubbed my temples with my fingers. I couldn't lose control like that again. I controlled the wolf, not the other way around.

At least that's what I always thought.

Something also told me until he got what he wanted – what we _both_ wanted – that was going to be easier said than done.

And at that moment, I hadn't realized how right I was.

It felt like hardly any time had passed when I heard the door open behind me. I didn't have to turn around to know it was Bella. Her scent and the sounds she made when she moved was all the confirmation I needed.

I heard her take a deep breath as she walked across the porch, descending the three steps as she passed me. She slowed for just a moment, almost like she was waiting to see if I'd say something as she went by. I found my mouth opening, but nothing came out.

Her pace quickening, she walked several steps before she suddenly stopped in her tracks. I lifted my head, gazing at the back of Bella's retreating figure as she stood in the middle of the driveway, internally debating whether to keep walking or turn around.

She chose the latter.

Bella spun around quickly, her eyes immediately meeting mine, a look of confusion on her face. "What the hell was that?" she whispered roughly.

My mouth dropped open and my eyes fell to the ground. I shook my head slightly, unsure of what else I could say to her. "I don't know, Bells. I'm not really sure what came over me."

"Were you really going to fight him?" she squeaked, her voice rising against her will as the urgency in it increased.

A moment passed before I found myself nodding. "If it woulda came to that? Probably."

Bella scoffed, her arms falling limp at her sides. "And you really think that would have solved the problem Paul has with being an ass?"

I couldn't help it as I felt a slight smile pulling at my lips. Shaking my head, I finally looked back up at her. "No, probably not."

_It would have put him in his place, though. He would have known who he has to go through to get to you._

Standing there for a moment, holding my eyes, Bella's face softened and her shoulders rose and fell with her sigh. "Em, I appreciate you standing up for me, I do – but you have to cool it," she murmured. "You told me we weren't going to make what happened between us public. What happened in there?" She nodded toward the house. "That's not the best way to keep people's mouths shut."

 _I said it, Bells,_ I thought. _But I only said it because I know it's what_ you _want._

_But before they can know, I have to start by telling you how I feel first._

"I know," was all I said out loud.

I didn't apologize, and she never asked me to. She went home and I went home and we both went on, trudging through the monotony of our lives like two people who still had no idea where the hell they belonged. We spent the next two weeks seeing each other at Sam and Emily's. I called and invited her down to the beach a couple times to watch us play football, an invitation she always happily accepted, no matter what she was doing. Things between us were exactly the way they'd been before the beach, before the kiss, before the garage, before everything changed.

It was what she wanted – what she thought she wanted – and it was what I promised I'd give her.

But it wasn't enough.

It wasn't enough for me, and it certainly wasn't enough for _him_.

That's why I was here. That's why I was sitting outside Billy's house, in the woods, in the middle of the night like a god damned crazy person.

It had been two days since I'd seen Bella. She'd spent most of them in Forks, helping Charlie with some weird task like cleaning out the attic or the basement, something he'd called and asked her help with a few days earlier. Strangely enough, she didn't just stay in Forks. She made the drive back to La Push so she could sleep. I wasn't sure what was binding her to the house anymore. I wasn't sure if it had to with Jake or if she just wanted to be close to the only family that provided her comfort the past few months.

Regardless, it had been two days, but it didn't matter. One minute, I was laying in bed at home trying to catch a couple hours of sleep before I met Quil for our patrol, the next I was phased and running full speed toward the little red house on the edge of La Push.

Two days was too long. Lying there, I felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin. It wasn't natural and it was overpowering – consuming – as it chipped away at me, piece by piece before I finally gave in to it completely.

I needed relief. I knew how it sounded, but I needed her close to me. If I couldn't be with her, I needed her close. _He_ needed her close.

Truthfully, I really had no say in the matter as I realized my mind was made up, so I stumbled out of bed, already peeling off my clothes before I even made it out the front door.

Lifting my head up from its resting place on the tree, I let my eyes open. Everything was exactly the same as it was when I'd closed them moments earlier. I was still in my spot, just inside the tree line, at what I would consider a safe distance. Close enough to be close, but far enough away to not be noticed.

But one thing was different – I was trembling. Watching my fingers as they wrung together over my knees, I could visibly see the tremors rolling off them.

Thinking about everything that happened, reliving all the moments, had awakened the temporarily dormant presence inside me. Now, he was scratching at me again, poking and prodding and grating at me from the inside out, telling me where I was wasn't close enough.

_God dammit._

Bringing my hands back to my face, it took everything inside me not to snap as I silently swore at myself.

But he didn't care. It didn't affect the scratching one bit. It didn't affect the _nagging_ one bit.

I honestly wasn't sure how much more I could take, and it didn't surprise me when I suddenly felt the urge to hit something, even if it meant breaking the pine tree behind me clean in half.

Anything I could do to get his mind off Bella, to get _my_ mind off her.

And in something that could only be called a moment of impeccable timing, I heard a distant, low, drawn-out howl coming from beyond the treaty line.

Quil.

Letting out a deep, ragged breath, I rose to my feet. The howl was Quil's way of signaling me to meet him in the same spot we always did to start our perimeter run, his way of letting me know he was phased and ready.

And I was late.

Allowing myself one last glance at the house, it took everything inside me to fight my instincts, to fight the conflict inside me, and turn around. My feet were heavy as I took a step in the opposite direction, followed by another.

I couldn't help myself as my head turned, watching the little red house disappear as I forced myself to walk away from the one place I wanted to stay.

As I finally ripped my eyes away and took off running into the forest, I was angry with myself, angry for not being able to control the war inside me. It was a constant, pulsing, infuriating reminder that I needed to do something quickly – that I needed to tell Bella how I felt.

But just before I phased I wasn't entirely sure that would change anything. Telling Bella was only one of the hurdles I had to overcome. I could tell her anything I wanted. I could climb on the rooftops and scream how I felt about her at the top of my lungs, letting the entire world know I _chose_ her.

But getting her to let go of what she'd lost, getting her to move on and acknowledge all the things that happened to us in the span of a few months, getting her to realize they'd all possibly happened for a reason would be a challenge.

If she could get past all that, there was only one hurdle left to clear, perhaps the one I was less sure about than any.

In the end, she had to choose me, too.

My stomach wrenched. If that never happened, then what the hell was the point? What was the point of this war inside me? What was the point of the insistence, the confidence and the certainty coursing through my body, originating from that far corner of my soul, a corner I shared with the source of it all?

Just before I phased, I let the anger and frustration flash through me in a wave of heat, and as my body changed – as my vision changed around it – I swore I saw red.

_Whoa, dude. Wake up on the wrong side of the bed tonight?_

I ignored Quil and immediately put my strongest mental barrier in place as I focused on the feel of my paws digging into the mud as I picked up speed. Letting the wolf out only made things a little easier because he was no longer contained. This way, he couldn't scratch.

But as I fought to keep my thoughts from giving me away to Quil, as I used every single fiber of my body to keep the anger at bay and remain focused and calm, I was reminded why _this_ was even harder.

_You okay, man?_

_I'm on my way. Give me a minute._

I passed seventy-six red fir trees on my way to the clearing, and lost count of the yellow cedars when I hit fifty. In just a moment, the roles had been reversed. With so much on my mind, so much I couldn't think about, it was the other way around.

This time, the man wanted out of the wolf.

As I reached the clearing, I saw Quil standing in the center of it, pacing aimlessly while he waited. When he saw me, he pointed his chocolate brown snout in my direction.

' _Bout damn time, dude. Thought I was gonna grow old and start collecting a pension waiting here for you._

I was slipping. I could feel it and it left me in the form of a soft whine, which silenced Quil in his tracks. He cocked his head in my direction as I let go, the slight shimmer overtaking my vision as I phased back human before I hit him with everything.

As soon as I was on two legs, I felt the weight of everything crush me and I couldn't help it as I stumbled, falling lithely to my knees. Quil let out his own whine as he broke into a trot, headed in my direction as I let myself rock back to a sitting position, sucking in deep breath after deep breath as I reached for my shorts and pulled them on. As Quil got closer, I leaned my elbows against my knees and pressed the heels of my hands to my eyes, just as I'd done sitting outside the little red house.

"Embry, man, are you alright?"

I looked up to see Quil had phased back some time in the last few moments and was standing several feet from me, a look of deep concern rooted to his features. His mouth was hanging slightly open, like he wasn't sure what else he could say to me.

My eyes darted to his left and over his shoulder as I shook my head, my breath leaving me in pants as I tried to relieve the pressure in my chest, where everything I'd bottled up in the two minutes I was in wolf form now rested. It was begging to be let out somehow.

It was similar to the feeling I got when I knew I had to phase, when the wolf couldn't be contained a second longer. He wanted out, that much I knew. He needed to lash out at something, because I silenced him and hadn't given him what he wanted.

But I couldn't let him out. In this case, going back to the wolf was only going to make things worse.

He didn't like that very much either.

So in the mean time, I was left sitting in the middle of the clearing, my eyes squeezed shut, feeling like I was going to fucking explode.

_I had to let it out somehow._

"Is this about Bella?"

The sound of her name calmed the boiling by an almost untraceable amount. Regardless, I felt it and I seized it, opening my eyes and inhaling sharply as I glared up at Quil. The look on his face confirmed he didn't really need an answer.

"You wanna talk about it?"

Still trying to harness the rippling beneath my skin, I shook my head again.

"Dude, why don't you just phase back? You look like you're ready to bust right out of your shit right now and tear something apart," Quil remarked, cocking one eyebrow in my direction.

I shook my head again, everything in my line of site reeling as I did. "Can't."

"Okay..." Quil looked around like he was trying to think of something, anything, to help me out while we were still on two feet. Suddenly, he let out a dramatic sigh and laced his fingers together, stretching his arms out in front of him and allowing his knuckles to crack. "Well, if we can't fuck some shit up on four legs, let's do this. I need to work on my 'mano y mano' anyway."

Blinking in Quil's direction, it didn't take me long to figure out what exactly it was he was volunteering for.

And as I found myself rising to my feet, silently accepting Quil's offer and taking a step toward him – the anger, the pressure, the conflict all channeling to where I needed it most – I had a feeling I would be eternally grateful to him for it.

Quil rolled his head around his shoulders once and shook his hands a couple times to loosen them. "But just go easy on the kisser, okay? I got dinner at Grandpa's tomorrow and I probably shouldn't show up..."

Quil didn't get a chance to finish his sentence, the crack my fist made as I connected squarely with his jaw echoing through the clearing.


	18. Counting Waves

_**Suggested Listening: "Counting Waves" by Sarah Fimm, "Distance" by Christina Perri and Jason Mraz, "Life Left to Go" by Safetysuit, "Bluebird" by Christina Perri** _

** Bella POV **

The first Saturday in September, I decided to go back to work.

I hadn't really anticipated the excitement in Mike Newton's voice when I called and told him, since conveniently his mother was nowhere to be found. I listened to him drone on about how short-handed they'd been since I left (but I shouldn't feel bad about it) and how he could take a few days off to go fishing with a couple friends (but it wasn't my fault he hadn't yet) and how happy he was to hear I was coming back (seriously).

With the exception of asking how I'd been, it was a miracle he didn't ask a single additional question about the last several weeks. The relief I felt when he finally said goodbye – after assuring me his mother would give me a call and let me know what day I was put back on the schedule – was almost tangible as I hit the end button on my cell phone, quietly slipping it back into my pocket with a sigh.

It was time for it, that much I knew. It was time for that part of my life to resume. I'd been holed up in La Push long enough and, in the midst of everything that happened, missed the deadline to register for fall classes at Peninsula. I'd kicked myself when Charlie called and told me I had a letter from them at the house, not to mention endured a ten minute lecture about needing to get my head back in the game before I screwed everything up completely.

He was right – I knew he was right. So work was it, because I knew it was time for me to venture a few steps back into the life I had before everything in it altered so absolutely.

This much I could do. I was confident I could.

Ironically, just after I decided to go back to work, life decided to get one last kick in for good measure. My truck – my beloved, trusty but worn-out and tired truck – breathed its very last breath.

"Dammit!"

Jumping from the truck's cab, I slammed the door with a frustrated groan and almost kicked it before I thought better of it. Knowing me, I'd break my toe in the process. The truck turned on, the engine still worked, but when I tried to shift gears, nothing happened. The truck didn't move forward and when I put it into reverse, I got the same result. I had no idea what was wrong with it. All I knew is I was stuck exactly where I was.

Slumping against the driver's side door, letting out a defeated sigh, I looked around aimlessly for a moment, trying to figure out what to do now. I barely realized it as my fingers worked their way into my jeans pocket and produced my cell phone. I flipped it open and automatically dialed the numbers, like it was a habit I'd had my whole life.

"Hello?"

I smiled at no one in particular. "Help?" I said with a soft chuckle.

The laugh I got in return made the smile spread. "Wait – who is this? I'm not sure I recognize this voice. Is this Quil's cousin? Because of it is, I told you that blondes aren't my thing..."

With a good-natured eye roll, I pressed the phone harder against my ear. "Very funny," I responded with a laugh. "Em, it's only been a few days." Glancing into the tree line, I propped my elbow against the bed of my defunct truck, feeling horrible about the fact he'd noticed exactly how long it had been since I talked to him last.

"That's like dog years, Bells," Embry retorted, and I could tell he was smiling on the other end of the line. "One day for you is like seven for us."

"Ha, ha," I responded dryly. "Is that really how it goes?"

"Not buying it?"

"Not for a second," I laughed, leaning my forehead against my hand as my fingers rubbed aimless lines on my skin.

Embry sighed and paused, as if he was debating whether to speak the words on his mind. "Well, would you believe me if I told you after three days, I notice because I just enjoy having you around that much?"

I took a deep breath as the words traveled through my ear and spread throughout the rest of my body, finding a home in my stomach and producing a warmth in its wake. I responded with my own silent sigh and couldn't help it as the words fell from my mouth.

"I know, Em," I murmured genuinely. "Me, too."

There were a few moments of silence and I could hear his even breaths on the other end of the line. "So what's the emergency, Bells?"

It was my turn to sigh. "Well, it's not really an emergency, but...my truck won't move. I started it, but it won't move. I have no idea what's wrong with it."

"It won't move?"

"It won't move," I repeated.

"Gimme ten minutes." I could hear the smile again.

"You know where to find me."

Slipping my phone back into my pocket, I let myself sink to the ground, leaning against my truck as I brought my knees up to my chest. It wasn't easy to miss the flutter in my stomach, the traces of anticipation I felt at knowing Embry was on his way to the house, causing my insides to dance at the possibility of spending the afternoon with him.

I knew this feeling. It was the same unmistakable feeling I had following the night we shared together in the garage, the feeling buried under all the grey areas and confusion. In the wake of our conversations, the uncertainty about why everything happened and what led us there had been resolved and neatly tucked away. We agreed to move forward from it.

And now, it was right where we'd left it — in the past.

At least that's how it appeared on the outside.

Because this feeling? This feeling had been happening a lot lately. This sensation, this fluttering, had managed to fight its way out of the depths inside me and crawl its way closer to the surface.

Sitting in my truck outside his house, Embry openly admitted to seeing me differently. He admitted that for the first time since he'd known me, he saw _me_. He didn't see me as an extension of someone else. And in the days following that conversation, it became clear he meant every word.

I'd seen the full extent of how much in Sam and Emily's kitchen, the night Embry almost laid into Paul for picking up on something I stupidly never gave a second thought.

Paul had refused to let it go, which didn't surprise me. Paul always loved teasing me until my cheeks were permanently crimson. Nothing was off limits — why would this be any different?

What did surprise me, though, was in the middle of my deterrent of spreading butter across a slice of bread, I felt a new wave of heat behind my head and heard the contact of skin against skin. I barely had a chance to look up before I realized my eyes were the only pair still on what I was doing.

And as I turned around in my chair, I already knew I wasn't prepared for what I was going to see.

Behind me, standing nose to nose with a very angry Paul, was an equally angry Embry. I wasn't prepared for that anger, the look of sheer dominance on his face as he started Paul down, how his jaw clenched with his stoic determination. I wasn't prepared with how he faced off with his pack brother, refusing to budge an inch as Paul snarled at him, his own shock not absent from his face.

This wasn't an Embry I recognized.

It took everything inside me not to reach out to him. I could feel my fingers instinctively uncurl from their death grip on the chair back as they thought about stretching toward him and brushing his arm. I had to stop myself from speaking his name as I realized Embry was too deeply focused on what was going on right in front of him.

Then my name fell from his lips and I retracted, and I realized what he was doing was _because_ of me. I was used to Embry sticking up for me – he'd been doing it in his own way since I'd known him, whether I knew it or not. But not like this. Never like this.

And I honestly couldn't help it as an exhilarating shudder traveled its way up the entire length of my spine.

On the outside, I was positive I wasn't doing a good job of hiding the embarrassment, the shame I felt in watching what was going on right in front of me, what was going on because of me. I probably would've crawled in a hole just to take the attention off myself, but it was too late now. I couldn't, because my eyes were too fixed on Embry's face, on his soft features now hardened by his sincerity, by his determination, by the protective fierceness rolling off him in waves.

This side of him captivated me, and I couldn't even begin to explain why.

But when Paul challenged Embry, my stomach wrenched. I couldn't help the fear that slowly circled itself around my insides before it tightened. If it was one thing I knew, Paul wasn't someone to be messed with and Embry wasn't a fighter.

But Embry didn't budge. Embry didn't back down. For the first time since I'd known him, he wasn't concerned with keeping the peace. There was only one thing he was concerned about in that moment, one reason he was standing up to Paul in a way I'd never seen him do before.

Me.

I wasn't angry with him, even after Sam ordered them both to back off and Embry's eyes fell down to mine. I couldn't be angry with him when I saw the struggle in them. There was no regret, but there was still apology. There was a look pleading with me not to be upset, begging me to understand.

When I approached him before I left, I'd hoped maybe he would talk to me about it, but he wasn't budging there either. His quiet resolve had slipped back into place. I fumbled my way through the rest of the conversation, blaming it on not wanting anyone to know what happened between us. While this was true, all I could see in my head as I spoke the words were the snarls on Embry and Paul's faces and what would have happened had Sam not stepped in when he did.

I didn't want Embry to get hurt. And, in this case, I didn't want Paul to get hurt either – not because of me. Judging by the fire I'd seen envelope Embry's steely gaze, that's likely how it would have ended. Whatever was going on inside him, I didn't want to be the force behind driving a wedge between him and one of his pack brothers.

What happened that night was perhaps the most extreme example of how things had changed for Embry, but it didn't take long for me to start recognizing the smaller differences. They were less intense, entirely unnoticeable by those who didn't know any better.

I, however, noticed every single one.

I noticed it simply in his mannerisms and the way Embry carried himself. I noticed in the affection pooled in his eyes when he looked at me, the look of calm on his face when he returned my smile and the way he visibly relaxed when I moved closer to him.

But I also saw the conflict. I also saw that what had changed was doing something to him on the inside as he fought it, likely because I asked him to when I told him I didn't know what the care I held for him meant. It killed me to see, but I did nothing to stop it. Each little reaction, every look traced with the slightest hint of melancholy, every arduous smile meant just for me, penetrated my exterior and worked its way through my body.

And still, I did nothing, even if I couldn't disregard the fact I was seeing him differently as well.

In the beginning, the confusion pounded away at my insides, but the more removed we got from the heightened emotions and the more everything settled to the bottom of the metaphorical glass, what was left was a little easier to pinpoint.

What originally was friendship had blurred into something else. Comfort turned into warmth, looks turned into gazes, innocent touches turned charged with something overpowering and consuming.

What happened between us changed things for us _both_.

To me, he was still the person he'd been the last few months, the person I turned to, the person I trusted and the one constant I could rely on through everything. But now, it was more than that. It was amplified, the feelings coursing through me only deepening the reasons I'd _always_ appreciated him.

He wasn't just the person walking two steps behind me in case I fell. Now he was next to me. He was _inside_ me. He was Embry, not a member of the pack and not Jacob's best friend. Just Embry. I saw the person who could've left me to fend for myself but didn't. I saw the selfless soul who always seemed to put my needs before his, no matter how hard things got. I saw the strong, sweet and caring man who only now was starting to emerge from the shadow he always seemed to be obscured by.

I saw _him_. Just like he saw me. Somehow, Embry had found his way into my heart and when it came down to it, I had no say in the matter.

But I also had no say in the fact a portion of that same heart still belonged to someone else, and I had no say in that either.

That part of me was still holding on to what I'd lost, remembering a love I thought was final and enduring, a part that held on to a possibility that very well didn't exist. That part of me refused to let the words in the letter sink in, words that had never brought a sense of closure.

 _I don't know when I'll be back. I don't know_ if _I'll be back._

The ifs and uncertainties still managed to keep their grip on my divided heart. Even so, there were other words pounding away at my insides.

_Please don't let this destroy you. Please be happy. You deserve to be happy._

I knew I needed to let go, but I wasn't sure how. A part of me just wanted to know Jacob was okay, that he was happy. If the decision he made was for the better, if he had done the right thing, I could put it behind me. I could put _him_ behind me. I hated him for not giving me the closure I needed, but deep down, I was pretty sure this was something I was going to have to do on my own.

But I didn't want to let go for someone else. As much I cared for Embry, I couldn't let go for him. I had to make that choice for myself. I had to let go for me.

So I unwillingly kept Embry at arm's length when he was around, mostly because I didn't know what else to do. I kept him in the same spot he'd been before the garage, because each moment I spent with him clouded this reasoning and frightened me all the more when I realized how easy it would be to let go for him, too.

Letting out a ragged breath, I let my head fall against the truck with a soft thump.

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a loud motor pulling into the driveway. From where I sat, my truck was blocking my view but I recognized the sound of it without having to see it. Silently, I listened to it pull up to the passenger side of my truck, the engine shutting off and the driver's side door opening. I could hear the sound of footsteps crunching on gravel.

"You know there's a perfectly good porch right over there."

Allowing my eyes to open, I turned my head, the slight smile creeping across my lips before my eyes ever reached their destination.

"I like it here better."

Embry was leaning against my truck, one elbow propped against the hood, his half-grin splayed across his face as he peered down at me. Letting a sigh escape his lips, he pushed himself off the truck and took a couple steps toward me, reaching out and offering me his hand.

Looking at it for a moment, I felt my arm rise and my fingers lace around his as he swiftly pulled me to my feet. As he did, I stood upright only mere inches from Embry, far enough away that I wasn't touching him but close enough that I could feel the heat radiating from his body and his faint scent invade my nostrils.

My stomach flipped, and I instinctively dropped his hand and took a step back.

I didn't miss the faint glimmer of disappointment flash across Embry's face, disappearing almost as quickly as it came.

I let my eyes drop to the ground as Embry cleared his throat, stepping past me and opening the driver's side door of my truck before sliding behind the wheel. "Alright, let's see if we can't figure out what the hell is wrong with this thing."

Over the next hour, I did decide to relocate to the porch as Embry went over several mechanical troubleshooting techniques to figure out what was wrong with my truck. When he turned it on, he did the same thing I did by shifting and pressing on the gas. The car barely moved, but you could hear the engine roaring almost like it most definitely should have been moving.

"Is this acting up at all when you're driving it?"

"Acting up how?"

"Like the engine will rev up but it's not shifting gears as easily as it should be?"

I could only stare at Embry blankly. "Yeah, I guess. I mean, she's always been kind of sluggish but I guess I never thought much of it. Why?"

A sigh was all I got in return as Embry slid out of the cab, glancing up at the sky as he wiped droplets of sweat from his forehead. It was a pretty uncharacteristic day in La Push in terms of September weather. Despite the fact a thick cover of clouds blanketed the sky, the temperature was bordering the upper-80s and the humidity was thick in the air.

I wasn't as concerned with the weather. Instead, my eyes instinctively followed Embry as he walked to the front of the truck, effortlessly lifting the hood and leaning forward to secure it into place. As he did, I couldn't help it as I bit my bottom lip, my eyes now unabashedly following a completely different path.

I couldn't deny that it didn't come as a huge surprise that I wasn't just noticing the emotional differences.

As I watched him, it wasn't surprising when I noticed how Embry's bottom lip was slightly fuller than his top one as he too pulled it between his teeth, looking aimlessly beneath the hood of my truck like he wasn't sure what he was searching for. I watched how the jeans he wore rode low on his hips and how his t-shirt lifted slightly as his arms stretched out above him to grip the raised hood, exposing the corded muscles beneath his russet skin, not to mention the bit of the fine hair below his belly button.

I couldn't tear my eyes away as he let one hand fall, bringing it up and running it through his hair in an effort to get it out of his face. It had grown since he first joined the pack. It was shaggy and growing long against his ears. He needed a trim, but I still liked how much the look suited him.

I figured it was to be expected. I had experienced Embry in the most intimate of ways and now, I inwardly blamed it on the fact I was simply taking stock in the person – _the bod_ y – that had been the source of my pleasure.

But if that wasn't enough, he chose that moment to let his arms drop to his sides as he stepped away from the truck, a frustrated grunt leaving his chest and he grasped the edges of his shirt and peeled it from his body, reaching up to drape it over the edge of the hood.

Embry grumbled, oblivious to the show he was putting on, as he suddenly dropped to the ground, turning so his back was to the truck. I barely heard him as my eyes swept over every curve in his chest, the long, lean muscles in his arms and shoulders and the sheer layer of sweat collecting over all of it. My stare only followed when in one lithe movement, he was horizontal, reaching up to grip the bumper, the muscles in his arms straining as he did, sliding his body under the truck.

Once I was certain he couldn't see me, I could only blink as I tore my eyes away, shaking my head in an effort to clear it and allowing the blush to explode across my cheeks.

"Hey, Bells?"

Snapping out of my self-admonishment, I jerked my head toward the source of the question, who I could only partially see from his spot under my truck. "Yeah?"

"So did you ever notice this big red puddle under your truck when you were pulling in and out of here?"

I blinked at no one in particular. "What big red puddle?"

The nervous chuckle he let out grated uncomfortably at my insides. "Yeah, that's what I figured." With that, I watched Embry's hands emerge from under the truck and grip the bumper, once again using it to pull himself out from under the truck. Once he managed to completely wiggle his way back out, he sat up, wiping his hands on his jeans, leaving dark, dirty streaks in their wake.

"So do you want the good news first or the bad news?"

I let my head fall into my hand. "The bad news?"

He sighed as he stood up, retrieving his t-shirt from the hood and using it to the blot the last remaining drops of sweat from his face. "Well, the truck still runs...but it's not gonna go anywhere anytime soon."

"Why?"

An understanding and sympathetic look crossed his face before he spoke the words no car owner ever wants to hear. "The transmission's shot, Bells."

My mouth fell open. I was a novice when it came to all things mechanical, but even I knew what that meant. Transmissions were what made cars move, and it was one of the few parts you didn't want going bad. They weren't easy to fix and when you did fix them, they were expensive.

As my eyes pulled away from Embry and scanned the length of my rusty, ancient Chevy truck – one of the first things I was able to call my own when I moved to Forks – I couldn't help but notice the knot taking up residence in my stomach.

"That is bad news," I squeaked out, feeling the familiar sting of hot tears forming in the corner of my eyes.

Embry's shoulders slumped and he frowned, the wetness in my eyes not going unnoticed. It didn't take him long to cross the distance between us, pulling his t-shirt back over his head as he dropped to the spot next to me on the porch steps. "I'm sorry, Bella," he murmured, making it a point to keep his hand on his knee although it twitched with its desire to reach out to me.

"There's really nothing you can do to save it?" I muttered hopefully, turning my head toward Embry as I rested my cheek against my fist.

A compassionate look crossed Embry's sweat-laced features. "It's the transmission, Bells. Replacing that would cost about ten times more than this truck is worth, and that's probably on the low side."

I knew that much, too. However, it didn't make it any easier to grasp as I continued to stare at a little piece of my history, a piece of me I could honestly say defined a part of the person I'd been the past two years.

And now I had to say goodbye to it. Now I had to let this part of me go, too.

With a ragged sigh, I remembered the second part of Embry's earlier question as I turned back to face him. "So what was the good news?"

I couldn't help but feel a little bit better as he leaned back on his hands, the grin threatening to completely overtake his face.

"Now we get to go car shopping."

* * *

"Convertibles in Forks. Now _there's_ a practical idea."

I chuckled as I wandered the lot of Ray's Used Cars, one of the few dealerships in Forks. Armed with my checkbook, the only thing that could access my savings account containing enough money to easily purchase myself a different vehicle, that seemed to be the extent of my involvement in this trip as I hung a few steps behind Embry at all times. It wasn't because he was taking over. It was more like I wasn't interested in being an active participant.

Instead, I followed Embry aimlessly, allowing my fingers to absentmindedly graze the hoods of the cars as we passed while Embry took his time looking through windows to see the mileage and checking for rust and accident damage.

He seemed to care what might replace my truck, but in my mind, there really wasn't anything that could replace it.

"Well, one thing's for sure – if you got a convertible, you could save money on the water bill," Embry shook his head as his eyes blankly followed the convertible as we passed it. "Instead of showering everyday, you could just drive around with the top down."

When he laughed at his own light humor, he turned to look at me and was met by my appreciative yet uninterested stare as I heaved a giant sigh.

It was Embry's turn to sigh as he cocked is head to one side. "I'm sorry about your truck, Bells."

I managed a grateful smile as I leaned against the hood of the Ford Focus I happened to be standing in front of. "I know – me, too. And I'm sorry. It's just...my truck was...it was just..." I let my breath leave me in a frustrated rush, mostly because I wasn't sure how to get the words out without sounding completely ridiculous. "I don't know...I just don't know how I'm going to replace it."

Embry paused as he peered at me from the passenger side of the Focus, where a second ago he was looking in to check out the interior. "It's okay, Bells, I get it. A lot's changed in the past couple years, but that rickety old truck was always there, right? It was always a little piece of who you were no matter what changed and what happened?" He stopped, shooting me a small smile as I watched him. "Am I close?"

I felt an overwhelming gratitude pour through me as Embry somehow managed to once again pull the jumbled pieces from my head and form them into coherent thoughts. "Yeah," I whispered. "That's pretty close."

Embry nodded as he looked back toward the Focus. "Well, you're still that same person deep down, Bells. You don't need a truck to tell you that. But you've changed, too. You're not that same girl I met two years ago. Whether we like it or not, we can't always hang on to the people we used to be..." He was still gazing at the car, his hands shoved in his pockets as he turned and slowly stepped away from it. "Things change. Life changes. _Cars_ change. We keep moving forward." He was now standing right in front of me, and I couldn't ignore the fact his words had a much farther reach and a deeper meaning than the car in front of us.

"But not in this car we're not."

I couldn't help it as I burst out laughing at Embry's effortless attempt to diffuse the sudden depth of his words. He finally looked at me, the shyness back in his eyes as he let the smile spread across his face. "Might as well buy you a Matchbox car and try to squeeze you in it, if that's the quality we're looking for here."

"So no Ford Focus?"

"No Ford Focus."

We spent the next few minutes walking up and down the next aisle of cars while Embry decided to make a mental list of criteria to help me figure out what kind of car I wanted to buy.

"So you want something that screams Bella, right?"

"Right."

"I think it's gonna be impossible to find a car that makes lasagna and cakes quite like you do."

The laugh I let out was bigger than the last one. "You're probably right."

"So if you could list three qualities you want in a car, what would they be?"

I pondered this for a moment. "Dependable, sturdy, and...personality. It has to have personality."

"Bella – I said three qualities you want in a car. I didn't say to describe your perfect man."

Letting out another laugh, I reached out and playfully smacked his arm, earning a return grin as he peered back at me over his shoulder. "Hey, if the shoe fits," I replied coyly.

Almost as soon as the words left my mouth, I noticed a rather large, balding, middle-aged man walking toward us from the small building housing the staff of Ray's Used Cars. I recognized him almost immediately as the owner, Ray Cavanaugh. I didn't know him well with the exception of the few times Charlie and I would run into him at the diner. Ray held the title of a regular at the place, his story similar to many of the other Forks bachelors his age. Judging from the horrible comb-over he used to cover the shiny dome of his head, the thick, Coke bottle glasses he was constantly pushing up the bridge of his nose and the plaid blazers he sported on a regular basis, I had a feeling he'd probably remain that way for a very long time.

"Isabella Swan! Fancy seeing you're pretty face in my car lot. You sure know how to make a lonely old man's day by showing up here."

I managed a friendly smile in Ray's direction as I heard Embry snicker from beside me. "Hi, Mr. Cavanaugh."

"No need for last names here, darlin'. I'm no one's grandfather here – we can get rid of the pleasantries," Ray corrected, reaching to push his glasses up his nose as I fought the chuckle rising in my throat. "So what brings you here? That old Chevy finally decide to take up retirement?"

I nodded. "Yeah, the transmission finally went out in it."

Ray's eyebrows lowered as he sucked in a sharp breath between his teeth. "Oo, that's no good."

"Nope," I said dryly, watching as Embry's eyes bounced between the two of us in amusement, almost like at any moment he was expecting the sales pitch to begin.

"Well, you've come to the right place, little lady..."

More snickers.

I silenced Embry with a stern glare.

"So were you looking for another truck then, or maybe something..."

We resumed our trip through the car lot, only this time Ray was leading us as he tried to steer me toward a couple cars I would never think of owning. He started with newer cars, some only a couple years old, until I reminded him I had a budget to which I was trying to stick. With a resigned huff, he took us toward the back of the lot. The further we went, the older and more "gently used" the cars became.

Several times, the more Ray pulled me toward cars I couldn't see myself driving, I would shoot a glance at Embry, who was making it a point to stay a few steps behind us at all times. I silently pleaded with him to do something, anything, to intervene before Ray sent me home in a Buick Skylark because I didn't have the heart to tell him I didn't like any of his choices so far.

"So how about this 1998 Toyota Camry? Only $4,500, but like I said before, since you're the chief's daughter I'd be willing to knock a few hundred off the sticker price for you. Gets great gas mileage, probably one of the safest cars on the road out there. Just check the internet – that'll prove it right there."

I sighed and cast one more look at Embry, who was now standing beside me, eyeing the car in question. This wasn't it. This wasn't the kind of car I wanted replacing my truck. Looking back at Ray, I shook my head.

"No."

Ray blinked. "No?"

"No," I repeated.

This time I heard Embry clear his throat next to me, causing Ray to look in his direction. "It's not gonna work, Ray," Embry murmured, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

Ray scoffed slightly as his face puffed up. "Well, Isabella, maybe you can start by telling me exactly it is you are looking for in a new car."

Embry now stepped forward, his eyes on a distant point as his thumb and index finger slyly stroked his chin. "She needs something with a little more spunk than that."

Ray looked confused. "Come again?"

"Spunk, you know? Personality. Something you don't see driving down the road everyday, because as I'm sure you know, Ray – Bella's not like most girls out there. She's got substance." Taking a few steps forward, he ended up walking right past Ray, who turned, his eyes following Embry in confusion.

My eyebrows furrowed and my mouth fell open slightly as I watched Embry, knowing he was up to something but not completely sure what it was.

It didn't seem to faze Embry one bit, though, as he threw a glance over his shoulder, now several feet away from both of us. "You know what I'm saying, Ray? Bella needs a certain kind of car, a car unlike all others." Embry turned away from us once more, although he continued to speak as he walked further from us. "She needs a car that reflects the kind of girl she is – you know, the kind of girl who doesn't mind rolling up her sleeves and getting dirty, the kind that doesn't run screaming from spiders..."

Although Ray looked thoroughly flabbergasted, I couldn't help it as the corners of my lips crept up in a smile as I found myself taking my own step forward, following Embry wherever it was he was going as bits and pieces of a certain conversation came flooding back, a conversation that happened not so long ago despite the fact it felt like a lifetime.

By the time I reached Embry, he had stopped walking and was eyeing something. His face was stoic but there was no mistaking the playfulness in his eyes. I peered up at him, studying him for a moment, before I let my gaze follow his to whatever it was he was so focused on.

And that's when I saw it, cozied up next to an ugly Dodge Caravan, tucked into the far edge of the car lot like it was hiding from all the other potential car buyers.

This time, I really couldn't help it as the smile broadened on my lips.

"It's perfect," I murmured, the happiness apparent in my voice.

He knew he was taking a huge chance, but I didn't fight it. Embracing the deep gratitude and excitement I felt, Embry made a sound of satisfaction in his throat and wrapped his arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer to him as I felt the heat from his frame envelope me. "You like it?"

"I love it." I murmured, crossing my arms in front of me and leaning into his body as I peered up at Embry. He was looking down at me, a soft smile on his lips and warmth in his eyes.

Unclasping my hand from my forearm, I reached over and poked him. "And it's blue."

Embry laughed and looked back toward what I was certain would be my next car. "What were you expecting? Pink? I still think you'd look good in a pink car, Bells..."

Biting my lip through my smile, I looked back toward the ground, feeling more comfortable beneath his arm than I had any right to feel. "Certain kinds of girls, Em," I reminded him playfully.

Embry sighed, expelling more than just a silent concession to my point.

"You're right. Who wants pink anyway?" I felt his hand squeeze my shoulder. "I know I don't."


	19. Only Answers

_**Suggested Listening: "Glowing in the Dark" by Cider Sky, "Day Old Hate" by City and Colour, "Afraid" by Sarah Fimm, "Built For Sin" by Framing Hanley** _

"Holy shit, he wasn't fucking kidding!"

Stepping out of the car, I immediately was ambushed by Quil, who – much to my surprise – had his butt parked on the front steps of the Black house when I turned into the driveway. As I pulled into my normal spot, I definitely had a feeling why as I watched the expressions crossing his face, the emotions switching a mile a minute.

First, his eyes widened in shock, then glazed over in awe as his mouth fell open, and, just as I slipped the car into park, he finished off with such a giddy illustration on his features I couldn't help but laugh as I twisted the keys out of the ignition.

The looks most definitely weren't meant for me, though.

I was barely out the door before Quil crossed the distance between us in a few lumbering steps, doing his best not to push me out of the way but still getting a few considerate elbows in for good measure in his quest to get to his destination.

"Jesus fucking Christ, I still cannot believe you bought this car let alone found it sitting in some shithole used car lot in the middle of Forks, Washington!" Quil slid into the driver's seat, petting the steering wheel like it was kitten before looking up at me with a wag of his eyebrows. "Seriously, Bells...a 1972 Mustang Grande?" Quil audibly groaned as he wrapped his fingers around the steering wheel. "I am _dead_. I want to have sex with this car."

I couldn't help the laugh that escaped me at Quil's reverie. He was in his own little world, however, and he barely afforded me a second thought.

"Do you know how much money this car could be worth if you fixed it up?" he continued, shooting me a wide-eyed glance.

Standing a foot or so back from the car, I crossed my arms in front of my chest and cocked one eyebrow in Quil's direction, my mind fluttering back to a conversation between Embry and I on the way home from the car lot. Remembering it, though, it actually was a rather one-sided conversation with Embry doing a lot of the talking and me doing an overabundance of nodding, punctuated with an occasional one-word acknowledgement when he threw in a question.

However, the only thing I did understand and remember from our conversation involved the very same question Quil had just asked me.

"So I've been told," I chuckled, eyeing Quil in amusement as he stared at the car's ceiling, now rubbing his hands lovingly along the upholstery.

"Well, in all fairness, the '72 isn't quite as good as the '70 – and the '70 definitely would have been worth more money had you decided to fix it up," Quil ambled on, suddenly jumping out of the car and trotting to the front, where he searched for the hood release, popping it open with a bang. "But this is still a fucking awesome car, Bella, no doubt about that." He pondered a moment, chewing thoughtfully on his lip as he peered into the car's engine cavity. "Too bad it wasn't a Shelby or a Mach 1. Ugghh..." He trailed off, hissing as he took in a sharp breath between his teeth.

"That's not why I bought it, Quil," I smiled, shaking my head at him. I knew full well the kind of reaction I was going to get from the guys, especially Quil, for buying what would be considered a "muscle car". I knew it would likely mirror Embry's, or at least the reaction that appeared once we finally got the car on the road, once he was removed from helping me with the decision-making portion of the purchase.

"Oh, I know, Bells, but still..." Quil was still gazing at the engine, aimlessly shaking his head. "The car could use some love."

He wasn't wrong about that one, I thought to myself as I eyed the classic blue Mustang, which had no doubt seen its better days. The paint had most definitely lost its luster and the leather upholstery on the inside, which was probably treated with kid gloves for years, was starting to crack in numerous places. It also needed new tires and a few minor tweaks under the hood – Embry had pointed that out before we even left the lot.

But that was the thing – I liked it just the way it was. Weathered and slightly damaged, riddled with small marks and imperfections, detailing its history and telling its story. Yet with a certain amount of outside care and a strong foundation, here it was – still standing, still running.

_Kind of like me._

"But god damn, you look good in this car, Bells," Quil rambled on from beneath the hood, rousing me from my thoughts. "This body style is perfect for you. It's got just the right amount of sass but it's modest at the same time, inside and out. And to be honest, you might look a little funny in it if it was all fixed up. If you wanted character, you definitely got it." He trailed his finger over the fading paint on the hood and grimaced for his own auto-mechanical reasons, a dramatic sigh leaving his lips as he paused for a moment to take it all in.

"FUCK!"

I jumped, startled by Quil's sudden outburst as he stepped back from the hood, his hands on his hips.

"That boy's got skills," he continued, not even bothering to look at me.

I felt my eyebrows pull down over my eyes. "What the hell are you talking about, Quil?"

"Embry – he did real good finding this one."

I smiled automatically, a warmness flowing over me as I remembered standing in the car lot several days earlier. "Yeah, he did."

"And you did real good buying it."

"Thanks, Quil."

"But she could still use some love."

I rolled my eyes.

Quil took a step back, carefully closing the hood as he did. With that, he sighed again as he turned to face me. He brought his hands up in front of him, clasping them in a pleading motion. "Please, Bella – let me love her. I might just _die_ if you don't."

Grinning, I bit my lip to keep myself from laughing at Quil's antics. "Maybe later. At least let me enjoy the car for a little while before you guys take her over."

Quil crossed his arms in front of his chest and pouted. "Fine," he muttered, taking a second before he took one step forward, his finger pointing straight at me. "But don't think I'm gonna forget you said that."

I let the smile spread a little farther. "Noted."

He gave me a toothy grin as he hopped a little in place. "So can I take it for a drive?" Rolling my eyes playfully, I tossed him the keys, which he snapped out of the air in one lithe movement. "You're the best, Bells," he murmured earnestly, flashing me another grin as he rounded the open door to slide back into the driver's seat.

"Just be back soon, okay?" I reminded as I cast an anxious glance at my watch. "Leah's supposed to be here in like a half hour."

A ripple of something spread across Quil's face before he regained his composure, shooting me an overly curious look. "You two having a slumber party or something?"

Chuckling, I shook my head, although I wasn't sure what Leah had planned for the night any more than Quil was. "No, at least I don't think so – and even if we were, you are _not_ invited, Quil Ateara."

Quil let out an overdramatic sigh as he slid the keys into the Mustang's ignition. "Damn – I was really hoping for a pedicure and a good game of Girl Talk." He turned the key, the engine roaring to life as he did. Quil still didn't close the door as he snuck another sneaky glance at me. "So the little girl's night wouldn't have anything to do with a certain someone's birthday tomorrow, would it?"

I laughed, checking my watch one more time to confirm that I really only had twenty-five minutes before Leah was due at the house. "She might have said something about it, yeah."

In all reality, I'd entirely forgotten about my birthday until Leah called me up earlier in the week, proclaiming that I wasn't allowed to make "plans and shit" for tonight. Other things, including the new car and starting back at Newton's a few days ago, had simply taken precedence over the routine commemoration of me turning another year older.

"Well, I'll probably just cruise down to Call's – at least he'll want to ogle the car's goodies with me." Quil was still hanging half out the door with one foot on the ground when he shot me another curious look, this one more genuine than the first. "Do you know if he's home?"

My stomach knotted for a brief moment, a split second of panic rushing through my veins. "No. Why are you asking me?" I replied, brushing off Quil's question with as much casualness as I could muster.

Quil shrugged. "You guys have just been hanging out a lot," he responded. "Figured you might know."

I shook my head. "I'm honestly not sure, Quil. I haven't talked to him since yesterday when he brought over a few things for the car."

This much was true, but what I omitted from Quil was the fact Embry had stuck around long after, keeping me company even as I made dinner. Afterward, we ate on the porch like it was something we did all the time, where we talked about everything from the way our mothers both seemed to be complete flakes when it came to parenting to the stupid September weather to school. Deep down, it was hard to ignore the pang of disappointment when Embry stood to leave, as I realized just how much I'd grown to enjoy the moments we spent together, how each one, for whatever reason, never seemed quite long enough.

Quil was eyeing me skeptically, completely aware I'd just drifted off to some other place. "Gotcha," he muttered, finally pulling his leg into the car and placing his hand on the door like he actually was getting ready to leave.

I had almost turned to go into the house when Quil spoke again, causing my head to jerk back toward him. "I don't know, Bells – I just worry about the guy is all," he rambled, the words leaving him a rushed mess. "He doesn't hang out as much as he used to, and you seem to be the only person he wants to be around these days."

My stomach knotted again as I watched Quil, a troubled expression crossing his features. "Something's been eating at him, though," he continued. "He's just been kind of _off_ and whatever is bugging him, he's not talking about it." Quil absentmindedly rubbed his jaw as he spoke the words. "We've _all_ been off, but he seems like he's having an extra hard time and he won't tell me why."

My stomach twisted as Quil only confirmed something I already knew, his eyes now turned toward me, piercing through my passive exterior. "He doesn't talk to me about it either," I responded, swallowing thickly.

Quil nodded, more to himself than to me as he let his gaze fall. "Yeah, that's kinda what I figured." With that, his eyes bounded back up, a sudden intensity pooling in them as he held mine. "Just look out for him, okay? What happened with Billy and Jake was bad enough and he took it harder than a lot of us did. Whatever's going on with him, just watch out for him?"

My expression softened at the urgency in Quil's request, at the respect and the worry he held for his friend. The fact I knew I was likely responsible for this additional burden, in whatever sense Embry carried it, I did my best to bury it as I nodded at Quil.

"I will – I promise."

"Am I too late for the heart-to-heart?"

Both our heads jerked away from the house toward the gruff, female voice. Leah was strolling up the driveway, a duffel bag slung haphazardly over her shoulder and her signature steely look plastered across her face.

Quil scoffed, finally closing the Mustang's door. "Yup, too late. We just got done trading our deepest, darkest secrets."

Leah rolled her eyes. "Oh, so no worries then – I already know all yours, Quil, including the fact you pissed the bed till you were eleven and had your first wet dream when you happened to be spending the night at your grandmother's."

"Fuck you, Clearwater!" Quil huffed, his face turning bright red.

"No, thanks. I like my men with balls bigger than a toddler's."

I bit my lip between my teeth as Quil slammed the Mustang into reverse, and we all learned in that moment the car was pretty good at peeling out on gravel.

Once Quil had disappeared beyond the trees at the end of the driveway, I chanced another glance at my watch. "You're early."

Leah shrugged, gaping at me in disbelief. "How much time do you need to throw on a pair of jeans and your most seductive flannel? Five minutes? Ten?"

I took a few seconds to respond, and Leah chuckled when she realized I was actually trying to remember the last time I wore a flannel shirt just so I'd have something to throw back at her. I wasn't quick enough, though. "Jesus, you're dense," she cut in, interrupting my thoughts. "Ironically enough, your wardrobe is why I'm here."

"Huh?" I blinked at her, unsure as to why Leah had suddenly taken up an infatuation with my choice of clothing.

Letting out a heavy sigh, she brushed past me, heading toward the house. "I told you we're going out for your birthday, so I had to come a little early to make sure you didn't dress like you're going to the rodeo, although you could definitely bring it into style if you tried really, really hard."

Standing there stupidly, I didn't protest as I silently wondered what the hell Leah had up her sleeve. Aside from our impromptu trip to Port Angeles, after which I liked to think we both came home from with at least a slightly better understanding of one another, I hadn't seen Leah much since then. The fact she seemed so utterly interested in celebrating my birthday with me was throwing me for a big enough loop, let alone her sudden interest in my wardrobe and personal hygiene.

"Leah, what..."

"Swan! Let's go! Beauty takes time, and with you, I'm gonna need at least an hour!"

* * *

"Jesus Christ, are you ready yet?"

I scowled at the source of the question, my toothbrush still protruding from my mouth as I did. Leah was standing just outside the bathroom door, a look of impatience on her face as she leaned against the hallway wall with a huff.

"Gimme one sec," I responded gruffly, toothpaste flying from my mouth as I did.

"Hot." Leah quipped dryly as I reached up to wipe a bit of it off my chin. I stood there, taking a few last swipes with the toothbrush as she raised a curious eyebrow. Frowning as best as I could considering what I was doing, I leaned over and spit in the sink, grabbing the towel and wiping the excess from my mouth as I glared at Leah.

"What?"

"Do I really look okay?" I asked self-consciously, looking down at myself as I placed the towel on the sink.

Leah's eyes did a once-over of her handiwork. I had never been a huge fan of dresses, but somehow, Leah had managed to choose one that wasn't too particularly out of character for me, yet was much _less_ than I was used to wearing.

The dress was black and made out of a modest, lightweight cotton jersey that flared down to were it hit just at my knees. The bodice of the dress was more fitted and held up by straps. That much I could handle; however, the plunging neckline had me convinced I'd be walking around the entire night holding my hand over my chest.

Leah cocked an eyebrow as she finished her appraisal. "Flip your hair once."

"What?"

She groaned. "Just do it."

Bending over and snapping my head back up in quick motion, I glared at Leah. "Anything else?"

She stepped forward, her hand reaching out as she fluffed one part of my hair and adjusted another. "Nice curl tonight, Swan. Glad you decided to finally make friends with a blow dryer."

"Are you gonna tell me where we're going?"

"Nope," she said curtly.

"Well, wherever it is, no one's going to be paying attention to what _I_ look like," I retorted, motioning to Leah's outfit. When she disappeared minutes earlier, she had been wearing a pair of cut-off shorts and a cotton tank top. Now, she was wearing a nude-colored, strapless tube dress that continued down her long body, stopping just below her knees as it clung an accentuated each one of her curves on its way. The color beautifully emphasized her skin's russet hue and even I found it difficult to take my eyes off Leah as I took in how much it complimented her figure.

"You're probably right, but if you went in what you were wearing, they most definitely would have been paying attention, and not for the right reasons," she retorted, taking a step back and motioning her head toward the living room.

"They? So you're saying there are gonna be more people where we're going?"

"Can it, Swan. My lips are sealed."

"I hate surprises," I muttered as I followed her down the hallway.

"Remind me to care in the morning."

We finally made it out the door, but not without me insisting on leaving the heels Leah brought for me at the bottom of her duffle bag where they belonged. Instead, I quickly retreated back to the guest bedroom – much to the annoyed chagrin of Leah – and emerged with the only pair of flip-flops I owned. When she sneered at the flimsy pair of shoes in my hand, I shrugged at her, adding a simple, "It's either this or the hospital, because that's where we'll be after I break my neck because of those heels."

With one last huff from Leah, we were finally in the Mustang, which had reappeared in the driveway some time during my seemingly unnecessary makeover.

We'd only been in the car a couple minutes before we approached Sam and Emily's driveway, and I was prepared to drive right by as Leah awkwardly cleared her throat from the passenger seat.

I looked at her stupidly. "What?"

Scratching at her nose, Leah pointed toward the approaching mailbox. "We need to stop here first."

"Why?"

"Jesus, you ask a lot of questions!" Leah snapped, her mouth open in a frustrated half-smile. "Because I have to pick up six cans of pickled beets for my mom. She says if I don't get them tonight, she's gonna throw me out of the house."

"Pickled beets?"

"Yeah – you know, they're red and pickled and they usually come in a Mason jar..."

"I know what they are, Leah," I retorted as I slowed the car, silently she'd just tell me what our plans were, "but do we really have to stop for them tonight?"

"Yes. As capable as I am of sleeping on the ground, I much prefer my bed, thanks."

With a sigh, I braked just enough to turn into the driveway before I passed it. Leah was fidgeting with the edge of her dress as I pulled up to the house, which was dark and quiet. Squinting as I tried to peer through the glass of front door, I didn't see a single soul moving inside.

"I don't think anyone's home, Leah," I murmured as I shifted the car into park.

"Meh, no big deal," she shrugged, flinging the door open. I sat there for a moment, folding my hands in my lap, expecting to patiently wait for her in the car, when she peered back at me over her shoulder, one long leg already out the door. "You coming?"

The blank gape was back on my face. "You need me to hold your hand?"

Leah rolled her eyes as she let a grin spread across her face, no doubt from her own brand of snark that had escaped my lips. "I don't know where Emily keeps any of her shit. You spend a helluva lot more time in this house than I do, in case you haven't noticed."

"Fine," I grumbled, twisting the keys in the ignition as I shut the car off and opened my own door. Leah was already halfway up the porch stairs when I slammed the door shut. "Wherever we're going, I hope we don't have dinner reservations..."

"That's mighty special, Swan, even for the likes of you," Leah chuckled as she reached the front door, still several steps ahead of me as she pulled it open and disappeared through the opening.

"Thanks," I muttered, trotting up the stairs, still oblivious to what on earth possessed her make these plans in the first place. "Leah!" I reached the door, pushing it open a little further before stepping across the threshold. "Hold on a sec – "

And I got my answer once I had both feet planted inside the house.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BELLA!"

I couldn't help the shriek that left my throat at the declaration, which could only be described as deafening considering the sources behind it. In the same instant, the lights flicked on and my hand slapped against my chest as I felt my startled heart pounding against my ribcage. Sucking in a deep breath, I let my wide eyes sweep over the crowd that had materialized in front of me, each face plastered with sly, exuberant smiles as they triumphantly took in my genuine surprise.

There were a lot of bodies packed into Sam and Emily's living area, all situated precariously near the room's completely obvious hiding places. Emily and Sam stood behind the couch, his arm draped around her shoulder as she clasped her hands in front of her, the grin looking like it might just shatter her face if it stretched any farther. From where they stood, Quil and Seth looked like they both tried to squeeze behind the recliner. Even Paul and Jared were in on it, a cocky smile spreading across Paul's features as he chewed on a toothpick from his spot near the long curtains hanging over the glass door leading to the backyard.

I tried to reign in the blush and calm my sputtering heart as I took everyone in, realizing why I was dressed the way I was. Emily was wearing a simple red, sleeveless wrap dress. I noticed Kim, too, who was now nuzzled up against Jared, modeling a slinky, obscenely shorter version of Leah's dress, except it was blue. Even the guys had dressed for the occasion, wearing button-down shirts and jeans without holes or that hadn't been turned into cut-offs.

I could feel the smile pulling at my lips, replacing the shock, as I offered it to each one of them in – those who so obviously went the extra mile to help me celebrate, those who stood by me, each one in their own way, those I never felt closer to.

Those I truly considered my family.

But someone was missing. Someone important.

I could feel that absent set of eyes on me, though, as my gaze continued past the others, eventually falling on Embry. He was several feet away from the others, one shoulder propped against the wall next to the door leading to the Emily's coat closet. When my eyes reached his, he gave me a saccharine, affectionate smile, his eyes filled with light as I felt a happiness and gratitude slowly wash over the initial shock and surprise I felt upon walking through the door. As I did, I also felt that final piece fall into place.

"Jesus, look how far down that blush goes!"

My cheeks exploded all over again as my eyes snapped to Paul, who had so eloquently jerked me from my thoughts. He snickered as I absentmindedly let my palm stretch out to cover my exposed sternum, watching Kim as she brushed past Jared to smack Paul's arm.

I let my gaze sweep over everyone in the room once more, shaking my head in still stunned amazement. Emily chose that moment to leave Sam's side, jovially bouncing over to where I stood and throwing her arms around me. "Were you surprised?" she exclaimed, squeezing me with all her might.

"Uh, yeah," I stammered in genuine disbelief, eyeing Leah, who was leaning against the kitchen island several feet away from me. "Pickled beets, huh?" I raised one eyebrow.

Leah scoffed, a veiled smile pulling at her lips as Emily stepped back with a confused look. "Hey, my instructions were to get you here without you finding out," Leah replied, shrugging her shoulders nonchalantly. "They never said I had be original."

"Obviously," I laughed, crossing my arms in front of my chest as the group of people in the living started to disperse. I watched as Jared threw the back door open and he, Paul, Kim and Seth bounded through it, whooping and hollering as they disappeared into the backyard. "So who's idea was this anyway?"

A sheepish look gleaned over Emily's features. "Well, mostly mine – but I had help." She threw a glance over her shoulder toward Embry, who was now standing upright, his hands shoved in the pockets of what appeared to be a brand-new pair of jeans.

If Embry noticed me appraising him, he didn't let on as he removed his hands from his pockets, holding each one in front of him in a defensive stance. "Hey, I moved tables and logs around the fire pit in the backyard – that was the extent of my contribution," he retorted, a playful grin enveloping his face as he did.

"He's being modest," Emily brushed off Embry's words as she squeezed my arms with her hands before letting go and turning to the kitchen. "And I'm sorry about the dresses. I wanted tonight to be special, Bella," Emily said as she hurried into the kitchen, swinging open the refrigerator door before emerging with a huge covered mixing bowl. "I wanted _you_ to feel special, so yes – the occasion warranted dressing up a little."

With a sigh, I smiled gratefully as I watched Emily retreat toward the back door, following Sam and Quil, who'd also disappeared out it when no one was looking. "Thanks, Emily – I really do appreciate it."

"You're welcome, Bella!" she called as she continued out the door without so much as looking back. "Now get your booty outside! Everything's set up out here!"

"You owe me big for this one, Swan," Leah muttered lightly as she pushed off the island and followed her cousin toward the door. "I could think of about a thousand better places to be tonight, a Backstreet Boys concert and a Chinese water torture chamber just slightly above here."

I grinned as I watched her walk away. "I'm glad you are, though."

"Yeah, yeah."

With that, my gaze fell on the only person left in the room, who was still smiling at me from several feet away, a peaceful and content look on his face. "You should have clued me in," I scolded playfully. "Had I known this thing was outside, I woulda never let Leah talk me into wearing this dress."

Embry chuckled as I started toward the back door, waiting for me to pass him before falling into step behind me. "Yeah, but giving away the surprise would defeat the whole purpose of a _surprise_ party, Bells." Embry was still following me, making it a point to hang back a couple steps as I approached the doorway. "Plus, I'm pretty sure Emily put blankets over a couple of the logs – you know, so you won't ruin it."

A goodnatured scoff fell from my lips. "Well, that makes me feel _much_ better." I stopped when I reached the door, hesitating for a moment as I sensed Embry cease his steps behind me. Peering over my shoulder, my lips revealed a small smile meant just for him. "Thank you for this."

Embry's soft expression warmed my insides as he nodded. "No problem," he murmured quietly. "And, Bella – if it's any consolation about the dress?" he continued, pausing for just a moment as I turned away from him. "You really do look beautiful."

It was hard to tame the fluttering in my stomach as I had to remind myself for a split second to put one foot in front of the other.

* * *

"Is it a bird?"

Quil jumped up and down, the light from the fire pit casting a glow on his face as he did. He nodded frantically and pointed a spastic finger at Seth, who'd taken the most recent guess in the very animated game of charades we were now playing.

I was sitting on the log closest to the picnic table, which earlier had been adorned with an elaborate spread of food as well as two entire sheet cakes, only one of which had 'Happy Birthday, Bella' scrawled across it in blue icing, The other, I'd been informed, was simply to satiate the sweet tooth of the six werewolves, now scattered around the fire rolling their eyes at Quil's pitiful attempt at acting out his object of choice.

Emily chuckled next to me but remained quiet seeing as how it wasn't our turn. I couldn't help the foolish grin that spread across my face watching Seth, Embry, Kim and Paul hanging on Quil's every movement as they tried to get their team back in the lead.

Now, Quil was precariously perched on one leg, the other curled up behind him as his arms flayed out, moving back and forth in a spastic gesture.

"Flamingo?"

Embry and Jared snorted at Kim's guess. Quil just rolled his eyes and kept moving his arms.

"Do something new, dude! We have no idea!" Jared hollered.

This time Quil put his arm up behind his head, curling his hand at the wrist as he shuffled around the fire in a circle.

"Are you sure you're a bird?"

"You look more like the Loch Ness Monster."

"Turtle!"

More snorts at Kim's expense.

Quil audibly sighed as he dropped his arms to his sides, shaking his head in defeat. With a forlorn look, he looked around the circle as he clearly contemplated giving up. However, when his eyes fell on me, they stretched as big as saucers as he almost leapt over the fire and clumsily tripped over the log Emily and I were sitting on.

My grin widening, I peered behind me as I realized Quil was now frantically pointing at me, both fingers making jabbing motions at the top of my head.

"SWAN!"

"YES!" Quil bellowed, pointing at Kim, who'd finally managed to pull one out for her team. "There's hope for you yet, woman."

My jubilant laugh joined the others as Quil hopped back over the log, moving to his team's side of the fire. As he did, he exchanged a loud high-five with Embry, who was rising to his feet.

As I watched them both, celebrating their tiny victory at the hands of a cheesy party game, I couldn't help but take in the light, normal feeling I felt spreading through me. In this moment, despite everything, we were all happy. For the first time in what seemed like a long time, cares were pushed aside, worries were stored and everyone – including myself – seemed genuinely focused on realizing life's little moments could still be enjoyed, even if our lives still ran the risk of never getting back to where they were before, the way they were before Jacob left.

I felt the familiar tug at my heart when Jacob's name flashed across the forefront of my consciousness for the first time in hours, which rocked me just as much. It wasn't crippling, though – not like it was before. Now, I managed to let it come and go with grace, and the tugging eased after a few moments. Even though I still couldn't figure out how to grasp that light at the end of the tunnel, it was easy to remember just how much I had to be thankful for in my day-to-day life. This party was proof of it. The faces around the fire were proof of it.

So for just one moment, I let everything be uncomplicated, and I let it wash over me as I embraced it in its entirety.

"Hey..."

I jumped at the sudden voice I heard so close to my face, turning just as Embry jerked back to avoid my head colliding with his. A nervous laugh fell from my mouth. "What?" I babbled, my eyes automatically squeezing shut as I shook my head. "I mean, hey."

The corner of Embry's lip twitched as he knelt down behind the log so he was eye-level with me. Beside me, I realized Emily had stood and was now at the picnic table, slowly but surely organizing the picnic table so she could clean up. I didn't notice much else, though, as Embry's dark gaze bore through mine, penetrating that normalcy I'd felt moments earlier as his eyes released that damn flutter, setting free anything _but_ normal, uncomplicated feelings.

It took several deep breaths this time as I pushed them back down.

Embry's eyes fell as I did. "So I have one more surprise for you."

I frowned. "Another one? Embry, pretty sure this party was enough."

He smiled. "Yeah, but that was a surprise from all of us. I planned a little something on my own."

I wasn't sure when my heart started pounding in my chest, but I took another deep breath as I wondered, trying to ignore the thumping in my ears. "Okay..."

Embry's eyes rose and he looked around before shooting a glimpse at the house. "Gimme two minutes and then meet me in Emily's craft room, okay?" His eyes implored me and after a couple seconds, I nodded, releasing the grin on his face. With an understanding nod of his own, he stood, shoving his hands in his pockets as he trotted toward the house.

Curiosity burned at my insides as I sat there, counting the seconds in my head. As a person who claimed to hate surprises, I sure was getting a lot of them for my birthday. And while the party had come as an unexpected yet appreciated surprise, I found myself filled with more anticipation at the prospect of whatever Embry had up his sleeve. It would no doubt be subtler, more personal and not nearly as exciting as a surprise party.

But that's what had me appreciating the idea even more.

When I reached one hundred-twenty seconds in my head, I stood up, smoothing my dress as I did and removing the blanket I had wrapped around my shoulders. Smiling at Quil, who winked at me as I passed, I retreated into the house relatively unnoticed.

Emily's craft room was upstairs, a part of the house in which I'd never ventured far. As I ascended the steps, though, I got my answer to the room's location when I noticed the last door on the right was slightly ajar, a soft light pouring through the opening. As I reached it, I lifted my hand to push it open, slowly peering around the door as it revealed Embry standing there, his hands clasped behind him as he shifted his weight awkwardly from one foot to the other.

Stepping in and closing the door softly behind me, I cocked my head curiously to one side as I looked at Embry, who was watching me from a few feet away. He had let his arms fall and his thumbs were now hitched in his pockets, and I couldn't help but smile at the shy, anxious look pulling at his face, despite the slight grin affixed to it.

"So you going to tell me what you had to bring me all the way up here for?" I murmured, crossing my arms in front of me and raising both eyebrows in mock indignation.

"Well, it's not really a big surprise – not as big as your party was," he admitted, the grin pulling at one corner of his upper lip as he glanced at his feet before looking back at me.

"Spill it," I pressed him.

With a sigh, Embry's eyes never left mine as his hand disappeared further into the pocket of his jeans. "I just wanted to give you your birthday present without everyone else around." The smile pulled back at that moment, almost like he'd been waiting the entire night to find the perfect time to tell me.

My mouth fell open slightly, the curious smile still attached to my features. "My present? Embry, you shouldn't have gotten me anything..."

"I know, I know – you don't like gifts, but I couldn't help it, Bells, really, I just..." He stopped, taking a deep breath as I realized the emotion washing over him – he was nervous. A moment passed between us before he lifted his free hand, using his index finger to motion for me to come closer. "Just come here please."

Letting my arms drop to my sides, I found my feet carrying me toward Embry as I watched his fingers move inside his pocket. I had no idea what kind of present he'd gotten me and although a big part of me wanted to tell him it wasn't necessary and to keep whatever it was, I couldn't help the curiosity that spread through me as I approached him.

Just as I finished closing the gap between us, Embry brought his hand out from his pocket and in one lithe movement, let a long, metallic object drop from it, suspended in mid-air as it dangled from one finger. It was enough to stop me in my tracks, my mouth falling open once again as I studied the object.

My gaze swept over the long silver chain, which modestly caught the lamplight as it dangled in the air. My eyes trailed down until it reached the small pendant attached to the end, its weight causing the piece of jewelry to gently sway back and forth from Embry's finger. The pendant itself was perhaps the most breathtaking part of it. Atop a delicate layer of silver, which matched the chain itself, rested a small, teardrop-shaped stone. It was a rich, smoky purple intricately laced with delicate swirls of black and gray.

"Embry..." I squeaked, unable to form a more coherent thought than that as I tore my eyes from the pendant to look at him. The anxiety was gone, replaced with a content sureness as he took in my reaction to the gift. My head started to shake in spite of myself as my hand reached up, almost touching it. "You..."

"Shouldn't have? I know," Embry chuckled. "But that's the thing, Bells..." He leaned forward slightly, almost as if he was making sure I was paying attention as he did. "...I _wanted_ to."

I was still speechless as I watched his face, my eyes eventually drifting back to the necklace. "But it must have cost a fortune."

Embry shook his head. "Not really." He took a deep breath as I finally mustered up the courage to touch the pendant, feeling its smooth finish between my fingers. "Ask me again someday and I'll tell you where it came from."

I barely heard him as I studied the colors and the texture of the stone. "What is it?" I asked quietly.

"Charoite," he replied, reaching out with his other hand to grasp the small pendant, brushing my fingers as he did. I didn't miss the warmth that passed through me at the small amount of contact. With another slight smile, he made a circle motion with his finger. "Turn around?"

My brow wrinkled as I studied him, refusing to comply for a moment as a sudden fierceness projected through my eyes. "You promise you didn't spend that much on it?"

Embry sighed, cocking one expectant eyebrow in my direction. "I promise, Bells, now turn around."

Giving in, I did as I was told without so much as an ounce more fight.

"Charoite's pretty rare, but it's special – at least that's what I've been told," Embry almost whispered as I watched the necklace appear in front of me, Embry's large hands attached to either end. I gingerly reached back with one hand, pulling my hair around so it fell down my chest, watching the pendant dangle in front of me. "They say whoever wears it feels less anger, less hurt and confusion – that it amplifies the connection between the heart and the mind and brings peace, calmness and balance."

My breathing became shallow, little by little, as I took in every word, feeling the cool pendant land softly on my sternum as Embry brought his hands behind my neck to fasten the chain. I could feel his fingers dance across my skin as he slowly worked at the clasp.

"They say it helps us to embrace change and growth." I felt Embry's hands release the clasp as the necklace fell into place around my neck, but he didn't pull his hands away. Instead, he let them brush against the skin just below my shoulders, causing a small tremble to work its way through me. I hadn't allowed him this close to me since the night in the garage and it was becoming clear as to why I hadn't as I felt myself immediately respond to his touch.

"And it's supposed to help the person who wears it realize what an amazing person they are, and that with each change in life comes wisdom and the ability to realize everything happens for a reason." Embry's voice was low now, rough, and I clung to my hair with one hand, the other closing over the pendant as I felt his breath dancing on the back of my neck.

My mouth fell open slightly, my attention divided between the feel of the pendant between my fingers – which I hadn't known were trembling until I suddenly found it difficult to keep my grip on the smooth stone – and the sensation caused by Embry's body directly behind me, so close to mine as his nearness caused those little sensations, those little flutters I'd pushed down earlier, to re-explode with a startling intensity.

"Happy birthday, Bella." Embry's mouth was now just by my ear, his hot breath sending another subtle shudder through my body as his words worked their way inside me and pulled.

My breath hitched as the intense reaction surged through me. In the same breath, I could feel Embry's hands on my skin as I fought desperately through the sudden blur inside my head, trying to grasp what I'd done before to keep this from happening.

But in that moment, I couldn't do it. He was _too_ close this time. No matter how hard I tried, he'd inadvertently blindsided me and standing there with Embry's body pressed up behind mine, I could feel it dulling that small part in my brain, that part much bigger than the day-to-day, that part reminding me of why I was fighting this feeling in the first place.

Yet I had to put distance between us. Even if I couldn't remember why, I knew I had to, and all I could do was hope he didn't ask me why.

"Embry, don't," I suddenly found my legs as I took as big of a step away from him as I was capable of, the only words I could think of spilling from my mouth as I did. I knew turning around to face him wouldn't be a good idea, knowing all too well what it did to me when I could see his face, when I could look into those eyes and see everything I was so afraid of.

But I did it anyway, my fingers still curled around my gift.

And I saw exactly what I was expecting.

The lightness has disappeared completely from his face and a new expression spread across Embry's features. It wasn't pain. Instead, it was filled with a stoic look of disappointment, almost like he'd expected me to pull away, anticipating this moment to happen.

His eyes betrayed him, though, just as I knew they would. I could still see the conflict in them, the insecurity, mingling precariously with every last bit of affection and care for me I'd grown accustomed to seeing there.

Mentally prying my own hand from the pendant, I let it fall heavily to my side as his mouth opened slightly, the look in his eyes clawing at me from the inside out. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "It's just...things are complicated enough, Em..."

I wasn't expecting the scoff to fall from Embry's lips.

"Do you think I don't know that, Bella? Do you think I don't know just exactly _how_ complicated things are now?" The distraught look on his face racked my stomach as he took a step forward, closing the distance I'd purposely put between us.

"I know you do," I said quietly, physically trying to keep my resolve from wavering, "which is why we have to stop."

Embry took a second to study me, his shoulders heaving with suppressed breaths as he did everything he could to tear down the wall I'd built around me in the span of a second. After an endless number of moments went by, my mouth fell open slightly in surprise when Embry shook his head.

"I can't."

I blinked, the helpless but firm look on his face knotting my stomach. "Wh-what?"

"I _can't_ stop _._ " And he took another step toward me.

He was still so close – again – and I could feel the heat from his body slowly creeping over me, heightening my senses and making the flutter in my stomach I'd momentarily forgotten transform into an intense, overwhelming pressure.

I took a painful step backward, hoping to ease the pressure. I knew what would happen if I didn't. I knew the wall would come down.

But Embry only followed me.

"I can't because it's too hard," he murmured, his voice deep and sincere and tormented. His feet mimicked the movements of mine as I tried to escape the pull, despite my desire to stop moving and take a step forward instead. "It's too hard for me to be here, Bella – to be next to you and _not_ touch you." The look in his eyes set the pressure in my stomach on fire, the candor in them mixed with a desperate passion that only twisted at my insides.

"It's killing me because I can't do _that_ either," he confessed, taking another step, again closing the gap between us.

I felt my back hit the wall.

I was cornered, and I couldn't pull any further away. And even as Embry took yet another step, my eyes traveling up to meet his because they were now the only part of me that could move, a part of me didn't want to.

"Embry..." I pled with him, the insecurity apparent in my voice as I realized what was happening. This wasn't an accident. This time, he knew exactly what he was doing. He knew exactly what he wanted.

I could see it in his face. There was no conflict. In this moment, the war in his dark eyes was gone. Now, only one thing remained.

Certainty.

Letting out a deep, ragged breath, Embry raised his arms and I felt his body brush against mine as he took his final step. His hands hesitated as I felt the cool wood of the wall against my back. They didn't wait for permission, though, and it was only a moment before I felt the heat of them on my face as he brought them to my cheeks, forcing me to look into his eyes.

"I've tried. I've tried with everything inside me, but I can't – because it's all I want, Bella." His scent hit me in that moment, bringing with it a rush of memories, the recollection of sensations I'd only experienced because of him. "When I'm around you, it's all I want to do. Ever since that night in the garage, all I want to do is touch you. All I want to do is be _closer_ to you."

My breath hitched as he leaned forward, his breath dancing across my forehead as his closeness surged through every inch of me. I couldn't think straight. He was so close yet keeping his distance all at the same time, and in that moment, I couldn't remember why I'd backed up. I couldn't remember why I'd pulled away from him in the first place.

I felt Embry's fingers trail down my blushed cheek until they grazed my neck, causing an involuntary shiver to work its way up my spine before fanning through the rest of my body. His breath left him in a forceful rush and I felt his face move, the entire time never losing track of his hands as they tentatively moved down my shoulders, stroking my arms all the way to my elbows before his fingers slowly and painstakingly found their way back up.

"So no – I can't stop, and I'm not going to apologize for it," he murmured softly as I felt his mouth near my temple, the words working their way through me one by one. "I'm not going to tell you I'm sorry, because this is how it should be now."

"Em..." I stammered, my eyes still closed as I felt my own hands rise, finding his arms as my fingers curled around them desperately. The words I wanted to say, any reasons I had against this, wouldn't form in my mouth as it remained open, the only sound leaving caused by my increasing breaths.

"I can't, because I know what I want," he exhaled as I felt his fingers on my neck again, grasping the flushed skin there like he was taking in every bit of me he could while he had the chance. "I can't ignore it anymore. And I'm not sorry, Bella, because I know what I see."

I could feel the hot tears stinging my eyes as the enormity of his words pulled at something inside me. I felt one slide down my cheek as more collected. I wasn't sad – I was overwhelmed, breathless with the meaning beneath Embry's words and how everything had shifted so suddenly in front of me. In the same moment, I was completely terrified of that meaning of his words and how easily he'd slipped behind that barrier. I was terrified with how easy it had been to let him.

But my body wasn't as conflicted as it responded to him just as it had before, speaking for a heart that was too senseless to see clearly, and I felt my hands slide slowly up Embry's blazing arms until my fingers gripped his shoulders. I wasn't surprised when I found myself leaning into him, embracing his certainty piece by piece, craving it for myself as I felt the tangible proof of why I wanted it beneath my hands.

"Tell me what you see, Bella." Embry's voice was barely a whisper, but his words were laced with confidence, one I hadn't heard since the night Paul had fallen victim to it. My mouth fell open as my breathing picked up and I felt Embry's long fingers reach up, trailing down my face as they brushed the tear from it.

I dug my fingers into the muscles of his shoulders, paralyzed by Embry as he slowly and hesitantly leaned forward. I couldn't help it as my eyes closed, as I felt his mouth so close to mine, urging me silently to close the tiny bit of space remaining between us. He wasn't going to do it himself; he was waiting for me to make the choice. In the same moment, everything went hazy, yet it was so abundantly clear as I felt his hot breath on my lips.

He already knew my choice.

"Tell me what you see..."

And my breathing stopped completely as my hands traveled from his shoulders to his neck, feeling the heat and roughness of his skin beneath my fingers. He was right there as I felt my mouth open against his, my top lip brushing his with a restraint that kept either one of us from going one step more than that.

But I couldn't say the words. I couldn't say what he wanted to hear. That same senseless heart, screaming for the possibility of my future while still insanely clinging to the past, wouldn't let the words form on my tongue. Saying them out loud would mean letting go. They would sever the fragile ties to a part of my life that was disappearing, a part that had been disappearing, little by little, for the past three months.

A part that, in this moment, was teetering dangerously on the cusp of vanishing completely.

Yet the feelings coursing through my body, controlling every other part of me, didn't care. That part knew exactly what I wanted to say – what I _needed_ to say.

 _You, Embry. I see_ you _. Right in front of me. Right where you've always been and where you were strong enough to stay._

So I let my body speak for me. I let my body say the words I could not.

I barely had to move, closing the minute gap between us in one effortless motion as I dug my fingers into Embry's neck, scratching at his skin as I pulled him to me. My lips crashed into his, eagerly and frantically, almost like they'd waited too long to be rewarded for their patience.

For a split second, I was desperately afraid he would push me away for not saying the words, and I silently pleaded for this to be enough. I silently hoped this would be enough to convince him that in this moment, he was the only person I saw.

But he didn't push me away, and the warmth and relief set my body ablaze and comforted my pounding, conflicted heart.

Embry took only a moment to respond, his mouth closing over mine with an almost primal, selfish intensity. I felt one of his hands slide up my neck as it tangled in my hair, the other clamping on to my shoulder as he roughly pushed me back against the wall, pinning me to it as he claimed what he'd been waiting for this entire time.

I closed my eyes as I let my head fall listlessly against the wood paneling behind me, allowing Embry to physically draw everything he wanted to hear from me as I surrendered to him completely.

I felt him fist the hair at the nape of my neck in one hand as he pulled my head to one side with a gentle force, his lips abandoning mine as they moved to my neck. My mouth fell open as he covered what seemed like every inch of skin there with hot, urgent kisses. His tongue flicked at it to taste the parts he was devouring, and I couldn't help the soft moan that left my throat as I felt him drag his teeth along my pulse, nipping at the skin as he did.

This wasn't like the last time. There was a need in him now, a need that left me stunned and anxious. But there was need in me now, too, along with a recognizable desire I couldn't ignore. There was much less grey this time. Mixed with Embry's feral urgency, I couldn't help it as I found myself wanting more.

My hands laced around his neck as Embry's lips now worked their way down mine and to my shoulder, his hot breath leaving goose bumps in its wake. I gasped as I felt his nose push the strap of my dress out of the way, landing tender kisses on my shoulder as he let his fingers push the strap down the rest of the way.

My head was swimming and I barely noticed as Embry's lips returned to mine, his breath scorching as I opened my mouth to him to deepen the kiss. With the strap out of the way, one side of my dress slid easily down my body and it only took a moment for Embry's sweltering hand to free one of my breasts from the lightweight fabric. The hand moved to cover it, pushing me back against the wall as his other worked its way under the dress. My breath hitched as it trailed up my thigh until I felt his fingers dig roughly into my hip.

In the same moment, I realized through my haze that my own fingers had traveled to his waist, where I was petulantly gripping the hem of his t-shirt. I heard a low rumble in Embry's chest when, for just a moment, he pulled away, grasping the shirt and swiftly pulling it over his head before discarding it on the floor. Embry's eyes were black with lust in the dim lamplight as his hand came up, cupping my cheek as he leaned down and impatiently captured my lips again, almost like he couldn't bear to be separated from me.

The feel of his hot skin against my exposed chest was enough to set off a frenzy in my body. As my hands drifted across his back, taking in every muscle and every curve of his frame, his kiss traveled down the expanse of skin across my sternum as he went farther, brushing the pendant before taking one nipple into his mouth as he sucked at it, flicking it with his tongue. A loud moan escaped my lips as my fingers ran through his hair and clamped on to the sides of his face, greedily pulling him back to my lips.

It was happening again, but this time I knew why. This time, I knew the consequences and I still couldn't bring myself to stop it.

I didn't _want_ to stop it.

 _This_ wasn't complicated – complicated would come later. Complicated would come with talking. _This_ was easy. It was just me, and it was just Embry, allowing ourselves to _feel_. There were no thoughts, no questions. There were only answers.

We continued to devour each other with fierce, deep kisses, and our lips never separated, not even when I found the button on Embry's jeans. Not even when I easily I felt it come undone between my fingers. Not even when I let one hand travel lower, taking the zipper of his jeans down with it. Not even when I let my hand travel back up, feeling the physical proof of his want beneath my palm.

"Fuck, Bella..." Embry growled into my mouth as his hands dug savagely into my hips. I cried out as he nipped my bottom lip, his fingers now hooking into the sides of my panties as he pulled on them. The sound of tearing fabric was barely noticed between our frantic, labored breathing and the resonant pounding of my heart.

I fisted the hair on the back of Embry's head, letting my cheek rest against his as I felt his hands move to the back of my thighs, pushing my dress further up my body as he went. Suddenly, my feet left the ground when in one swift movement, Embry picked me up, his hands gripping tighter to the back of my thighs.

Once again, I felt my back slam unabashedly against the wall, and my legs clamped to Embry's waist as I wrapped my arms around his neck. In that moment, I allowed a moment of tenderness amidst the intensity enveloping us, nuzzling Embry's neck with my nose before leaving a soft kiss just below his ear. I heard Embry's breath hitch, and I felt one hand disappear from underneath me as he reached down to free himself from his jeans, the other keeping a strong, sturdy grip on me.

It wasn't long before both his hands were back, pressing and digging into my skin as Embry leaned forward, landing an aggressive kiss on my lips before he hoisted me up one last time, my back scraping against the wall as he did. I clung to him even as he bent his knees slightly, and I could feel how perfectly our bodies lined up as he grazed the entrance to mine. I shuddered violently, and I could barely breathe from the heat spreading through my veins, as well as the pressure of Embry's beautiful body against mine.

My hands fell to Embry's shoulders, my fingers curling around them. Just as I did, my body moved, sliding down the wall as he slowly lowered me on to him.

My vision blurred as he slipped easily inside me and another loud moan escaped my throat as any remaining breath I had left my body. I remembered this feeling, and remembering caused my stomach to twist in a frighteningly beautiful way, tightening as Embry's face slowly came back into focus, his features now overcome by a peaceful relief as he remembered, too.

A moment later, my fingernails dug into Embry's skin as he pulled out once, quickly thrusting back into me, causing my back and my head to hit the wall with a loud thud. I didn't care. I didn't feel pain. I couldn't feel anything but Embry inside me – literally, emotionally, _completely_.

Embry didn't wait for me to adjust to the feel of him before he found a painstakingly slow rhythm, pulling almost completely out of me before plunging back in as deep as he could go. My fingernails raked coarsely at his back and a groan escaped his lips as he pressed them to my cheek, leading sporadic, punctuated kisses to my ear. I felt him rest his face against mine as he stood up straighter, his new position allowing him the strength to pick up speed as he pulled out, slamming back into me again.

I clung to Embry desperately, unable to control the cries leaving my throat as he made no move to stop them. Instead I buried my face in his neck, biting down on the skin there as he continued his maddening assault on my body. With each thrust, I felt the skin on my back turn raw as it scraped repeatedly against the wooden wall. I didn't car about that either because I could also feel everything starting to come apart inside me.

"Am I hurting you?" Embry breathed in my ear, nipping at it with his teeth.

I moaned again, closing my eyes as I closed my fists around his neck and the ends of his hair. I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth and shook my head. "Harder, Embry..." I breathed, my voice raspy as I soothed his fears. I didn't know if what I asked was possible, but more than anything I wanted to find out.

A low growl ripped from Embry's chest at my permission. He pulled back slightly, and I was able to see him as his face contorted in a mixture of pleasure and fierce concentration. His eyebrows were drawn low over his eyes, and sweat dripped down his features. I could tell he was trying to delay his own release until I found mine. He held my eyes with his intense stare as plunged back into me, hard and as far as he could possibly go. Then he held himself there as he continued moving his hips.

My mouth fell open in stunned pleasure as he pulled out and repeated the action, entering me with so much force that my body collided with the wall hard enough to lose my breath. It didn't faze Embry. Little by little, he picked up the pace but used the same amount of strength as he did. The change in speed caused my body to tremble uncontrollably as a tormented groan left my throat, the pressure inside me climbing to an almost unbearable level.

I felt him tighten his grip on my thighs as the coolness of the wall left my back. Suddenly, he drove into me one last time, my back crashing against the wall with so much force my teeth knocked together, but it was enough to push me over the edge as waves of heat shot through my veins and I felt my release explode within me. Embry came at the same time and his mouth fell open, his eyes squeezing shut as he convulsed from the force of it. His knees buckled and one arm shot out to brace himself against the wall as he collapsed against me, the other arm never lessening its hold beneath me.

My arms were tightly wrapped around his neck and the only sound I heard was the exhausted panting coming from both of us. The room slowly came back into focus as Embry nuzzled my neck softly. I felt his lips press lovingly against the skin there, causing me to shudder intensely.

He pulled back and looked at me, his face full of emotion. He leaned his forehead against mine and swallowed thickly before taking another deep breath. I studied his eyes as he did, and I saw no regret in them. Instead I only saw contentment, happiness and the same certainty I'd seen minutes earlier.

As his gaze pierced my own, I wasn't sure what he'd see in mine, so I brought my hand to his cheek instead, trying to draw his eyes away. No matter what, despite whatever might happen when we walked out of the room, I knew he'd see no regret. Regardless, I let my eyes close, denying him access to everything inside me as a deep breath escaped from between my lips.

"Are you okay?" he finally whispered, his shoulders still heaving as he fought to catch his breath.

I couldn't speak, because I knew words would only complicate things and fail me if I did. All I could do was nod, my eyes fluttering back open slightly as Embry turned his face, landing a soft kiss on the palm of my hand. With that, he slowly pulled out of me, both of us gasping slightly at the sensation, before placing me back on my uneasy feet. As he took a step back, I quickly smoothed my dress, adjusting it to where it belonged as I placed the disheveled strap back on my shoulder.

I snuck a glance at Embry just as he finished fastening his jeans. He still couldn't tear his eyes from me, even as he stooped to pick up his t-shirt. The contentment had ebbed slightly, and in its place stood another dull emotion that I couldn't quite place but could easily be likened to fear.

I wasn't sure why it was there, but I answered my own question as the only words I could think of formed in my mouth. I didn't want to ruin everything and as we stood facing one another, as what happened moments earlier slowly made its way into the past, I knew there'd be no avoiding it.

"I have to go."

I could visibly see the breath leave Embry's chest as his mouth fell open, his features suddenly bearing a mix of pain and frustration. "Bella..."

"I'm sorry," I interrupted him. "I have to go." I tried smiling at him, but the look on his face pierced my inside, causing it to fall gracelessly from lips. "Thank you for my present." The pendant around my neck now felt like a lead weight, reminding me of what my avoidance was doing to him.

Embry took a step forward, his eyes now pleading with me. "Bella, please don't leave."

I shook my head, taking a few steps backward until I could feel the door at my back. My hand blindly sought out the handle until I brushed the metal with my fingers, turning the knob until I heard the latch release. I could feel the tears pricking at my eyes again as I took in every ounce, every ripple of disappointment and hurt in Embry's features.

"I'm sorry," I whispered again, painfully tearing my eyes from his as I threw the door open, slipping into the hallway in one quick movement as I noticed out of my peripheral vision as Embry took a step forward. It didn't matter, though, as I closed the door behind me, not even when my heart plummeted to my feet as I left Embry standing hurt and alone on the other side.

Instead, I willed myself to put one foot in front of the other as I walked toward the stairs, keeping one hand on the wall to steady myself. With each step, I felt a little lighter at knowing I could possibly delay the inevitable a little longer. But with the same steps, I could feel the pull, trying with all it had to get me to turn around and go make everything right.

I took the steps slowly, one by one, making my way down to the main floor of Sam and Emily's home. There were no sounds coming from inside the house. Deep down, a part of me was hopeful that I might be able to slip out unnoticed. I knew it would be rude to leave without at least saying thank you to them for hosting the party, but I reassured myself with each step, silently making the decision to just call and tell them in the morning.

But the thoughts, the rationale dissipated completely when Leah's lithe, muscular frame suddenly appeared at the bottom of the steps, stopping me in my tracks with three steps left to go.

I only allowed myself a second to wonder why she was there, but that was all it took for the look on her face to sink in and penetrate my exterior. Everything in her features – the knowing flare in her eyes, told me she knew exactly what happened.

But there was sympathy there, too. There was a silent pleading in her fiery eyes, almost like she was asking me to prepare myself for what came next. Even as I cast my eyes downward, shriveling under her intense gaze, and even as I forced myself to descend those last steps, I wasn't prepared. Not in the least.

Leah moved carefully out of the way and, as she did, I came to the gut-wrenching realization that Leah was not alone in the house.

As I forced my eyes upward, allowing the living room to come into view, I saw Paul leaning against the door leading to the backyard, a smug look on his face as he stared at me knowingly. A few feet away from him sat Quil, who was perched anxiously on the edge of the recliner as he simply stared at his hands. His fingers laced together, over and over, as his hardened stare followed them like they were the most interesting things in the world.

A noise from my left disrupted my thoughts and I managed to tear my eyes away from Quil, realizing Emily was moving silently around the kitchen, putting cellophane on dishes and spooning leftovers into containers. She was pretending to stay busy, but the side-glances she kept shooting in my direction were enough to give her away.

It didn't matter what emotions were present in their features, each one of the them held the same look in their eyes, the same look of sureness, strong enough to send a shiver down my spine.

My eyes fell back to Leah, who was still standing a few feet from me. She said nothing, but confirmed it as she gave me a curt, almost indiscernible nod.

_They knew, too._

I clutched my stomach, suddenly feeling like I might vomit.

Leah's nod didn't go unnoticed by Paul, who chuckled from his place at the back of the room. "Wolf ears and open windows aren't a good combination, chica." He looked down at his fingers as he started picking at the dirt beneath one of his nails. "And you weren't exactly being quiet."

"Paul..." Emily's voice from the kitchen was soft but firm. "Don't."

I heard Paul – the flaring knot in my stomach confirmed it – but I found myself unable to give him my full attention. In fact, every other part of me ignored him completely as my eyes fell on Quil, who was still frozen in his spot on the recliner. His jaw was clenched tight, almost like he was concentrating on keeping his own mouth shut. The light, unrestrained happiness on his face was nowhere to be found as he refused to look up at me.

This was too much. They _knew_. If they knew, everyone else outside probably knew, too, which meant what was happening between me and Embry was no longer that. They'd know everything now – they'd _see_ everything. They'd want to know what this meant, too, and if I couldn't explain anything to the only person to whom it mattered, how could I find the right words for it to make sense to them?

The tears in my eyes burned. "I'm sorry," I whispered again, and I watched Quil visibly swallow, trying to maintain his composure as he finally realized what had been the cause of his best friend's pain, pain I never meant to inflict and pain I'd give anything to take away, if I only knew how.

But as I tore my eyes away from Quil, brushing past Leah as I did my best to ignore the stares bearing down on me on my way out the door, I knew that was a lie.

I did know how, I just didn't know how to let myself.


	20. Crossroads

_**Suggested Listening: "Nowhere Place" by Rachel Wagner, "Counting Waves" by Sarah Fimm, "Casey's Song" by City & Colour, "All The Same" by Sick Puppies, "Draw Your Swords" by Angus & Julia Stone** _

**BELLA POV**

There were really only a couple things I was grateful for on my way home as the cracks on the damp pavement blurred together and the trees crawled by me in a haze of dusky green and browns, obscured by the darkness of night.

I was grateful for the short distance I had to drive, and that it was a distance I knew by heart.

I was grateful for both because I could feel myself starting to crumble from the inside out. Unshed tears singed the back of my eyelids and my chest tightened, racked with sobs I refused to let out, cries that would only serve to make myself the victim of my own inability to choose a path, to let go of a world that no longer existed.

The further I drove, the clearer it became, the more I could see the two paths laid out before me with no clear indication as to which one I should take.

I hadn't come as far as I thought I had. I was so close to letting go, so close to letting myself be happy in a world without Jacob, a world I once thought had been it for me. Yet I still clung to that world, my fingers grasping desperately at an apparition, a delusion, stemming from a loyalty I had no right to still possess and a hope of which I wasn't sure I could let go.

That path was safer. There was no pain in the known, no pain in what had already happened.

There was no pain in the future either, but there was fear. There was craving and adoration and uncertainty, and it was almost enough to crush me as I remembered _his_ eyes, as I remembered how hard it was to walk away from him, that fear fueling every step I took.

That path held a risk, an easy choice. It was a path I wanted to take but wasn't sure I could so long as the other remained an option.

And the longer I stood there, the longer I remained rooted in place contemplating these two paths, the easier it was to see.

By staying where I was, I wasn't just hurting myself anymore.

I pulled into the driveway of the little red house not a moment too soon, rolling toward it and slamming the car into park before it even had a chance to stop moving. Gripping the steering wheel with tight fists, I sucked in every last breath of air I could as I closed my eyes and rested my forehead on the steering wheel, the pendant Embry gave me brushing the skin of my legs as I did.

One hand fell automatically from the steering wheel and curled around the pendant, clasping it forcefully between my fingers.

_"They say whoever wears it feels less anger, less hurt and confusion – that it amplifies the connection between the heart and the mind and brings peace, calmness and balance."_

But clarity never came. The choice I made would be up to me, and I still wasn't sure how I could possibly make it.

I was at a crossroads, and no amount of running could take me away from this choice, from what I needed to do, and from what I'd leave behind when I did.

* * *

**EMBRY POV**

It was all I could do to concentrate on taking deep, even breaths as my fingers wrapped tightly around the butcher block island in Emily's abandoned kitchen.

There was a bowl of fruit sitting idly in the middle, so instead of looking at Sam – who was standing on the opposite side eyeing me like I imagined a father probably would eye his son who just got busted for doing something really bad – I studied the darkening splotches of brown on the banana and how the different hues of red on the apple swirled into one another with absolutely no method to it whatsoever.

Anything was better than the alternative. Anything was better than where my mind _wanted_ to go.

But it was too late for that. All the apples and oranges and stupid fucking bananas in the world couldn't change that.

Remembering the panic, fear-stricken look on Bella's features as she slowly backed away from me, remembering the pleading, lost look in her eyes that had replaced the one of passion and sureness just before, sent me reeling back to the place I'd been when I was standing alone in Emily's craft room, realizing I could no longer hear Bella's footsteps, her voice, her heartbeat. I couldn't hear them because she was gone.

I'd come clean. The gloves had come off and for a split second, and as that second intertwined with the series of minutes I was buried deep inside Bella, the moments she moaned into my mouth and clawed at my skin like she was afraid to let me go, I thought maybe – just maybe – she was as confident in her feelings for me as I was of mine for her. I thought she might just know exactly what she wanted.

I thought she might just let go.

But I was wrong, and I wasn't surprised.

Yet when that door clicked shut behind her, it took every single ounce of strength I had in me not to go after her like I probably should have. I'd already come this far. Why was I letting her walk away now?

And the wolf forcefully agreed. He screamed in outrage. He growled and flailed and scratched, coming out of that place where for the past several minutes, we'd existed cohesively, where we'd existed as one for the first time in weeks. Now, he was trying like hell to claw his way out and take over the part of me – the human part – that kept my feet rooted to the floor.

_She's yours._

_Take what's yours._

But she wasn't. Not yet, not wholly. Her body made the choice, and for a moment, my weakness for her allowed me to think it was enough, that it was final.

But _Bella_ had not made her choice, at least not out loud, and the wolf didn't understand the difference.

 _I_ did.

So I let her walk away. I let her walk away and I stood there, hurt, frustrated and angry at myself for not recognizing the difference moments earlier, for not registering that fear as I backed her against that wall. I stood there, the war inside me renewed as I fought back the aching and swelling burn, balancing it with an understanding that could only come from knowing Bella as well as I did, from watching her day after and day and learning every single emotion that passed through her eyes and matching it to whatever it was she was thinking.

That fear wasn't there for no reason. That fear wasn't there to hurt me. She wasn't afraid of me – in fact, it was the exact opposite. She was happy near me – she _wanted_ to be near me. She craved my presence almost as much as I craved her.

So, no – she wasn't afraid of me. She was afraid of the words. She was afraid of what I'd said. She was afraid of what those words meant to her, of what saying them out loud would mean for her life now.

She was afraid of what I _meant_ to her, and what that meant _for_ her.

And saying the words would mean she was letting go, which would allow her to come to grips with and start overcoming every single one of those fears – two things she could only accomplish if she did them together.

An accomplishment that would allow her to move forward.

Which is why I couldn't bring myself to be sorry for what I'd done, for what I'd said. She knew for sure now, and she needed to know. She needed that push, but a part of me had been selfish. I couldn't do what I'd always done – I couldn't just sit on the sidelines and wait. A part of me needed the release, and I told her as much. And until she knew, Bella was going to keep treading water and the war within me was only going to get worse. Neither of those would get us anywhere.

After the night in the clearing, the night I handed my best friend one of the worst beatings of his human existence, I knew I was only counting the days till I had to do something. I'd seen what it did to me, I _felt_ what it was doing to me. I felt like I was going to tear apart at the seams from the agony the conflict caused within me to have made _my_ choice yet not be able to act on it, not be able to _think_ about it.

These all made me realize I had no other option.

So I did my best to spend as much time with Bella as I could. She never argued and despite keeping me at arm's length, it lessened the grumblings, and it made it slightly more bearable. _She_ made life more bearable, something she'd become quite good at without even trying or realizing it. Every touch she allowed me, every smile she directed my way, caused the depth of what I felt for her to increase.

And I did my best to help _her_ feel how much had changed for her, too.

I knew something inside Bella was different, but now I could see it growing in her, and I could see it commanding its own presence in her life. I felt it in everything she did, in every look, in the sound of her voice, to the way she lingered when I said goodbye. This didn't help matters as she constantly and silently nurtured what was already in me.

And the pull was so strong. It was always strong, but now the desire to be near her had reached an almost unbearable level. Any excuse I had to touch her, to feel that current spark between us, I took it. The more I was away from her, the longer she held me at arm's length, the more dominant that urge to take became, like our bodies weren't meant to be away from each other. I found myself holding back more often than not, and each time I did was more and more difficult.

That's how I knew it was only a matter of time before something had to give.

What would give, though, and exactly how long it would take had been the only uncertainties. Everything else was ridiculously clear. What I wanted, what I needed to do, was ridiculously clear.

The entire time, the wolf pushed me. He was in complete agreement with my decision – with my need to come clean – to tell Bella the truth, albeit not the entire truth. His approval simmered within me, mingling with that insatiable need constantly burning in another distant corner, the second I pulled that necklace out of the top drawer of my dresser, where it lay buried beneath a folded stack of t-shirts, wrapped carefully in an old cotton handkerchief.

Where it lay until I found the person to whom it was meant to belong.

My hands trembled as I stood in my bedroom, as I coiled the necklace in on itself and carefully slipped it in my pocket before heading to the party. This was big, and despite the anxiety racking my human body, I never second-guessed the decision. Not once.

Just like I told Bella, this was how it should be now.

But it still didn't ebb the sting when she walked away.

I should have made her tell me. I should have made her tell me she believed it, too. I should have made her say the words, but I didn't. I couldn't, because I'd never force her to do or say anything she wasn't ready for. Instead, I allowed her to speak with the only part of her that didn't require words, I allowed the more primal part of myself to take over, which only threw us both

I hadn't known that's how things would happen at the time, but I knew now.

And everyone else knew, too.

I didn't care so much about that part – in the heat, the intensity of the moment that happened between Bella and me, I wasn't exactly thinking about those who were close enough to hear – but now, I had a feeling I'd be dealing with five more voices trying to figure out where exactly Bella and I were headed and what exactly it meant.

Now, one of those voices was standing directly across from me, eyeing me with a skeptical stare, one I could see questioning what he knew and why it happened. I could see he wasn't looking beyond the face value of everything he'd learned.

And I bristled – the wolf bristled – at _any_ insinuation that my intentions toward Bella were less than honorable.

Thinking about it, I could feel my fingers pressing into the thick wood, threatening to leave indents if I used an ounce more strength. And Sam's patronizing sigh didn't go unnoticed and it grated my nerves as it soaked through my resolve.

"Spare me the lecture, Sam," I spat acridly, breaking the heavy silence between us. "I'm really not in the mood."

Sam's breaths remained steady and he kept his cool, but I could still feel his eyes boring holes through me. "Embry," he murmured softly, a slightly judgmental echo laced through his tone, "what are you doing? This just...this isn't like you."

I scoffed as I finally tore my eyes away from the fruit bowl, it dawning on me just how little my Alpha knew about who I really was. "What exactly do you think this is, Sam? Do you think I'm just fucking my best friend's girlfriend for fun? Like I have nothing better to do?"

Sam winced at my uncharacteristic remark, but I didn't miss the flicker of disappointment flash through his eyes. "I would certainly hope that's not what's happening here..."

I sighed, trying to reign in the struggle inside me as I looked past Sam, avoiding his direct stare. "It's not...trust me."

Sam cleared his throat, almost like he was trying to think of the right thing to say. "Embry, is this why you've been so off lately? I've noticed, and I probably should have said something. It's my job to say something, but I always like to think you guys will come to me when you need something." Hearing the truth in Sam's words compelled me to look at him, a paternal expression of concern spreading across his features. " _Do_ you need something, Embry? Do you need to talk about this?"

"No," I croaked, shaking my head to bring home the point to Sam. They didn't need to know any more than they already did. Not yet.

"Embry, I might be able to help you," Sam pressed on, clearly wanting to ask more than he was allowing himself to.

I shook my head harder. "You can't, Sam. There's nothing you can do." This wasn't an imprint – if it was, I might have went to him. This was something completely different. This was something he didn't know how to handle. Hell, it was barely something I knew how to handle.

With that, I pushed back from the island, knowing I needed to get out of the house. But not before I volunteered a slight offering to Sam, just to give him a hint, just to satisfy his urge to help.

"Not unless you can figure out a way for Bella to realize her life didn't stop when Jake left."

A look of sympathy and understanding seeped into Sam's face. With that, he nodded, shuffling around the island, knowing our conversation was over as I continued to back toward the door, my eyes cast to the floor.

"Give her some time, Embry," Sam ventured softly. "What happened wasn't easy on any of us, especially not Bella. We've seen this happen with her before, and she eventually got through it. Let her take things at her own pace. She'll get there."

His words gutted my insides. While his advice was sound and true, the concept of it cued the scratching and I was reminded of just how impossible time seemed these days, just how hard it was to be patient when the two halves of me – the halves that were still struggling to find the best means to an end for both me and Bella – seemed hell-bent on ripping each other apart.

The sinking feeling rooted in the pit of my stomach as Sam started walking toward the backdoor almost made it difficult to breathe.

"Hey, Sam?" I ventured, one last thought crossing my mind before I turned to see myself out the front.

He looked up, giving me his full attention as my fingers covered the handle.

"Can you do me a favor and keep the guys quiet about this? I'm sorry I didn't think, but I don't want them giving Bella any shit, okay? She's got enough to figure out without worrying what the hell they're thinking," I murmured quietly, venturing a look at Sam.

His lips pursed, Sam gave me a swift, curt nod. "Yeah, Embry – I can do that."

"Thanks."

As soon as the door closed behind me, indecision weighted me to the porch, my feet anchoring me to the wood like stones. I knew why I'd left, but I had no idea where I was going now. Remembering Sam's words and remembering everything I'd decided leading me to tonight combined in a blurry mess inside my head.

Whatever I was supposed to do, I knew Bella and I couldn't go back to the way things were before. Not this time, and probably not ever.

"So did the Almighty Sam tell you to give her some space?"

My head shot toward the railing on the far right side of the porch. I hadn't seen Leah sitting on it until now, her feet balanced carefully and her back pressed up against the support beam much like Bella had been the day I was working on my truck and we'd talked about imprinting. The corner was dark, the only light given off by the flaming embers of the cigarette Leah brought to her lips, taking a thick drag off it before pulling it away and eyeing me knowingly.

"You heard?" I muttered as she let the smoke escape her lips in a heavy cloudy.

"Nope," she retorted, the rest of the smoke billowing out as she spoke the word. "I just know Sam, is all."

Leah and I had never been close and we'd never really been friends, yet she eyed me with an understanding I couldn't quite comprehend. And as the look penetrated the sudden uncertainty dripping from every breath I took, I sighed as I let my head fall against the glass door behind me.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do now."

I could still feel Leah's eyes on me as she brought the cigarette to her lips one last time, taking a quick drag before flicking it into the woods. With a grunt, she hiked her dress up to her knees and swung her legs around, landing upright on the porch with a dull thud. I cocked my head toward her in curiosity as she took a few steps in my direction.

"Come on," she muttered, jerking her head toward the road as she continued past me, her bare feet padding across the porch boards as she did. "Let's take a walk."

Frowning, I finally found my legs once Leah was already several feet ahead of me. I bounded down the porch after her. She was silent, walking swiftly and making it a point to stay ahead of me the entire time it took us to reach the road, which she crossed before her steps veered left and she allowed me to finally fall into step beside her.

"Sorry," she finally muttered, her arms crossing in front of her as she walked, her pace slowing considerably now that we were on the road. "There's no such thing as a private conversation in that house, which if you had half a brain you woulda figured out a little earlier..." She snickered, but the jest in it fell short a moment before it normally would.

"So did you bring me all the way out here just to make fun of me? Because I swear to god, Leah, I don't give a shit if you are a girl..."

"Oh, will you can it with the moody bullshit, Call?" she snapped, throwing a warning glance over her shoulder, probably the only one she was going to give me before she changed her mind and walked the other direction.

And I was tempted to let her, but another part of me was more tempted to hear her out.

Leah sighed. "First off, Sam isn't as high and mighty and knowledgeable as he likes to think he is," she continued, her eyes now back on the road in front of us. The only sounds punctuating her words were those of our barely audible footsteps on the pavement and the wind snaking its way through the nearby trees. "It's easy for him to tell you to give Bella time, because his perfect future is accounted for."

There was a residual sadness in Leah's voice, one that had dwindled with age, one she didn't allow to rule her life anymore but still remained regardless of how much time and distance she put between her and it.

"But ours? You and me? We still have to deal with choices, and choice can be a fucking bitch sometimes, because we don't always have that other person around who agrees with every single one we make, who will still be there after we make it," Leah continued, clutching the fabric of her dress between her fingers to keep it off her knees. My hands instinctively found my pockets as I walked silently beside her, watching Leah instead of the road, absolutely confused with where she was going with this.

"Listen, I'm about to give you a big fucking lecture and pretend I know what's best for you – I know that's not really my style, and something tells me you already know this," she pressed on, sneaking a glance back at me. "But you've been ten kinds of fucked up lately, and I'm willing to guess whatever's going on inside you is more than some stupid little teenage crush. Am I right?"

Leah afforded me another glance and I nodded in agreement.

"That's what I figured," she responded, her eyes turning back to the road. "And you told Bella what's going on and she freaked out, right?"

"Kinda, yeah," I murmured.

Leah scoffed as she let loose an absentminded nod. "Figured that, too. But that's what Swan does – she freaks out, she overthinks things, she takes her sweet ass time figuring out what the hell she's supposed to do." Leah's words stopped as she stepped around a fallen branch in the road. "That girl is her own worst enemy, and this isn't news to you or me."

I felt an ironic smile pulling at my lips as Leah hit every single nail on the head. "Nope."

"But you're just as fucking bad, you know that right?"

The smile disintegrated and my mouth fell open slightly as my head snapped in Leah's direction. "Huh?"

Leah sighed noisily. "You're an enabler, Call. You enable Swan's crazy, and while in reality, we should probably pat you on the back for having more emotions and patience than any man has any right to have, that line of thinking is gonna get you nowhere fast when it comes to her." This time, Leah ran her hand through her hair and let it fall gruffly to her side.

"I tried to tell her tonight," I responded grimly.

"Did you tell her _everything_? Did you lay every fucking card out on the table, or did you just bombard her with a bunch of your scary-as-hell emotional speak?" Leah retorted, raising an eyebrow as she glowered at me. The steely, serious look in them had me tearing my own eyes away after a few moments. "Yeah, that's what I thought, "she groaned softly.

"I think she got the point, Leah," I insisted. "Why do you think she went running out of the house so damn fast tonight? She's afraid – she's afraid of to let go – "

"You know what? Stop talking," Leah interrupted, holding up her hand to silence me. "You're just gonna confuse me and that makes it harder for me to give you impartial, unsolicited advice based on my own unwelcome and unintentional observations of one Bella Swan."

My mouth snapped shut and I rolled my eyes, shaking my head as I let a smirk cross my lips.

I always loved it when Leah pretended _not_ to care.

"Listen, fuck Sam and fuck time. You shouldn't take advice from a guy who had his choices taken away. Swan needs her ass kicked and you need to be the one to do it," Leah went on. "She needs to be pushed, she just doesn't realize it and you think you're too fucking nice of a guy to do it. But we've had three months since Jake picked up his shit and left without so much as a fuck you to any of us. She's had plenty of time to deal with something that hasn't changed one damn bit since it happened."

"And I don't give a shit how you do it – fuck her while you tell her, since that seems to be the only way you two know how to communicate properly, but the point is you need to tell her. You need to _push her_ ," Leah continued, her gaze now shifting toward the tree line so the only thing I could see was the back of her head. "Because god help her if she ends up like me – hiding from the world because there was no one who did, no one who just came out and told me to get over it and to move the fuck on."

In that moment, I realized the conversation we were having was about so much more than me and Bella, and even though Leah had come to grips with her fate a long time ago, she was silently admitting there were things she should have done different, that _she_ should have let go long before she ever allowed herself to.

And she didn't want to see Bella make the same mistakes.

Leah's sigh jarred me from my thoughts. "And the good thing is, Bella has someone like you who cares enough to be that person, that person who won't let her run away from everything – so don't let her run this time either," Leah finally let her eyes drift back to the road, her gaze dark yet filled with conviction and the fact she actually believed every word she was saying.

"And trust me, I can tell how she gets around you so I know it's not just you imagining unicorns and rainbows in that pretty little head of yours. But something tells me if you actually get her to loosen that death grip she's keeping on thin air, it'll all work out. She might still run – but she won't be running _away_ from you."

I couldn't help but smile as I watched Leah walking beside me. Never did I expect it to be her offering this little token of hope. Never did I expect it to be her to push me toward what I wanted and what I needed to do.

"So, who died and made you the optimist here?"

Leah snorted, a grin spreading over her face. "Fuck, I wouldn't go that far. I'm just a person who's made a lot of wrong choices." The grin dissipated little by little. "That, and you just never know what's going to happen. Jake could come back tomorrow and where would that leave you?"

My stomach wrenched at the idea of it, knowing full well what that would mean. Even though a part of me would give anything for it to happen, to have him home safe, to know he was okay, to have our pack restored to the strength it was meant to be at, there was another part of me _dreaded_ the thought and what it meant.

If he came back now, there would be no chance. There would be no choice to make.

I had actually been counting on time for this, up until tonight giving Bella as much as she needed to make the choice, when in reality, I had no time at all – at least none that was guaranteed. Maybe I had years, maybe I had an hour. Either way, Leah's words struck something inside me, and they struck it hard.

My heart plummeted in my chest, and I swear Leah probably heard it stop beating as the wolf snarled at my doubt and I tasted bile in the back of my throat.

I took a deep breath, calming both myself and the wolf as I let every single one of her words sink in, one by one, until I had a complete grasp on what she was saying. The gloves didn't just need to come off – I had to go all in and I had to do it now. I had to do it so Bella wouldn't run at her chance for a future, and I had to be the one to help her see she still had one.

And I had to do it before I lost the chance completely.

It was now or never.

"But what if it doesn't work? What if I can't make her see?" I countered out of morbid curiosity, forcing the words through the dryness of my mouth.

Leah sighed again. "Then you put your big girl panties on and you walk away. We don't always get what we want in life, Em, no matter how badly we want it – that's what happens when we still have choices. It could go one of two ways – in the long run, she's either gonna choose life or she's not. She's either gonna choose _you_ or she's not. That's how life works – but at least you'll know you did everything you could."

In that moment, Leah stopped in her tracks, causing me to come to an abrupt halt beside her. It wasn't until then I had a chance to look around and realized where we were. I recognized the mailbox several feet from us. I recognized the crooked pine tree on the opposite of the driveway, and it only took a few seconds for my eyes to wander over the expanse of land between the tree and the little red house occupying the far side of it.

The breath that left my lungs was ragged and Leah peered at me out of the corner of her eye. "Alright," she finally spoke, nodding toward the house as she did. "Don't fuck this up." With that, she turned swiftly and started walking back in the direction we came, leaving me standing by myself in the middle of the road.

Sucking in one last gulp of air, I held it as I shoved my hands deeper in my pockets and took one step toward the house, followed by another, until I was able to focus on my destination. It wasn't hard, because the closer I got to her – the more I could feel the two halves of me coming together, working together as one – it wasn't difficult to miss the renewed sense of strength and confidence I felt working its way through my body with each subsequent step.

Everything was so much easier when Bella was close to me. Everything was so much _clearer_ when she was close to me.

But as I approached the house, there was an absence I couldn't miss. As I listened, as I let the air surrounding it invade my nostrils, there was no Bella – at least not inside the house. The dark windows and quiet house only confirmed this.

But she was still close, and the wolf knew it as he pushed from the inside out, willing my feet to keep moving and my ears to listen closer.

As I reached the porch, I turned at the last minute, my feet navigating the well-worn and well-known path toward the garage. As I did, I could hear the faint thumping of her heartbeat, the slight noises her body made as she sat in her own silence, her breath leaving her in quiet, even exhales. By the time I reached the corner of the garage, I could already register her sweet, honey scent mingled with my own, causing a shudder to work its way up my spine as something inside me hummed with pride.

_Mine._

I stopped, my hand brushing against the weathered wood of the garage as I leaned against it, my shoulders heaving as I took another deep breath. Closing my eyes, I gave myself a moment to focus. I could do this – I was going to do this. Just like before, it was now or never.

 _So back the fuck off. I'm doing what you want. I'm doing what_ I _want, what's needed._

_What I should have done a long time ago._

And he was gone.

He was _silent_.

The sudden clarity was almost enough to send me reeling as the haze dissipated completely from my brain, but I grabbed hold of it with everything I had even though I didn't have to. It wasn't going anywhere – not this time.

The wolf and I were finally on the same page. Completely, indefinitely.

I let out another rough exhale as I expelled the last remaining traces of resolve and conflict, taking another step forward as I did and closing the gap between me and the garage door.

When I saw Bella, the last piece, the last bit of motivation I needed, fell squarely into place.

The overhead light in the garage was on, casting a dull light on everything beneath it, including Bella. My stomach flipped as I saw her perched on the hood of the Rabbit, still wearing the black dress from her party. Her knees were pulled up to her chest, both arms wrapped around them as she hugged them to her. Her chin rested on one knee and her head was tilted slightly to the side, both eyes closed as she sat completely still, the only sounds caused by her breathing. Her face was streaked from her tears, and my heart twisted at the site of her so distraught.

Leaning against the frame of the open door, I took one last silent breath.

"Bella..."

Bella let out a startled shriek, her eyes flying open as her heart immediately started to pound in her chest. Her gaze found mine almost as quickly as she let her legs drop so they were dangling in front of the car. All I could do was watch as it only took a moment for her small hands to start swiping away tearstains from her cheeks.

She sniffled, sending me another glare as she did. "Whatever happened to that wolf call you guys used to do? I'm seriously thinking you should pick it back up again, you know, as a warning before you sneak up and scare the crap out me." Bella tried to laugh, but the sound wasn't genuine and it only stabbed at the twisting inside me.

Taking a step into the garage, I hitched my thumbs in my jeans pocket as I watched her eyes snap between the dirt floor and me. "What are you doing out here?" I asked softly, the heaviness pulling at my features, caused by the look on hers. I wanted her to smile, I wanted to see the shine in her eyes when she looked at me.

But right now, all I could see in them was regret. All I could see was admonishment for the pain she caused me intertwined with her own confusion.

"I could ask you the same thing," Bella deflected, smoothing the wrinkled dress over her knees as she propped her bare feet on the Rabbit's bumper. Seeing her sit there I had to push down flashes, flashes of another time when all this began, when everything in our lives had taken a bigger turn than either of were prepared for.

"Bella..." She needed to talk. I wasn't going to do all the talking this time.

Bella sighed, rubbing her face with her hands before letting her palms fall to her thighs. "It's just...I think about coming out here sometimes. Usually I don't because I'm afraid of what it will mean – I'm afraid of what it will do to me if I do."

"So why are you out here then?" I urged her, taking another step forward.

"I don't know," she murmured, almost inaudibly. "I started to go in the house but I just...I couldn't. I needed to think, and something about this place calms me down enough to do it – at least that's what I thought it might do." I could see her lower lip tremble before she tucked it between her teeth. "But I think it just made things harder."

"Why?"

Bella chose that moment to look at me, and I could see the tears pooling in her dark eyes. "Because I came out here and I think I realized this place doesn't mean the same thing to me that it used to." She sucked in another breath, tearing her gaze away once more. "I came out here – and the only person I could think of was _you_. The only thing I can _feel_ in here is you."

My stomach wrenched and I let my feet still on the floor as I watched her fingers subconsciously graze the weathered paint on the hood of the Rabbit. The knot tightened and my mouth fell open like I wanted to respond, like I should respond to her confession, but nothing came out.

Bella's face wrinkled like she was trying to suppress the emotions welling up inside her. "And that made it harder because it made me feel _worse_ about what I did, if that's even possible." She reached up, quickly swiping away a tear with one finger. "And I'm sorry, Embry." Her eyes swiveled to me once more, her chest heaving under the weight of the regret. "I'm sorry I walked away tonight, for leaving you there alone after everyone found out. I'm sorry I did that because you didn't deserve it. You didn't deserve for me to leave the one time you asked me not to, but I didn't know what else to do because I was _terrified_."

I hadn't anticipated this from her. I hadn't expected this reaction at all, for her to come right out and say it, and even though it killed me inside to not try and comfort her, I kept my mouth shut because I was going to make sure she got everything off her chest this time. I was going to make sure she said the words this time. Her silence wasn't going to cut it.

"You didn't tell me why you were here," she said softly, her eyes falling to her hands.

"I wanted to talk to you," I replied, the simple and pointed words the only explanation I allowed her before I steered the conversation back toward her. "I'm not angry at you, Bella, and I don't care what everyone else thinks. I only care what you think." I took another couple steps toward her as the words left me. "So tell me what you're afraid of."

Bella stared at me with big, watery eyes, several seconds passing before she answered. "Everything."

"Tell me."

Blinking once, she brought her fingers to her temples where she rubbed small circles before she spoke. "I don't know, Embry – _everything_. I'm afraid of how everything's changed." She let her hands fall into her lap as she wrung her fingers together, her glassy eyes still watching me as she did.

"And I'm afraid of what that means. I'm afraid that I'm moving on to quickly, that I'm forgetting – that I'm giving up hope," Bella continued, and I watched another tear trail down her cheek. Despite everything, I could see the need in her eyes, the emotion aimed solely at me she held my gaze. "And I'm afraid of the thoughts in my head and how no matter what I do, they always seem to go to _you_ , Embry, and that's where I don't know _what_ to do. Somehow, you got inside me and I don't know how to let myself feel what I feel for you – what I never expected to feel for you – and that scares me more than anything."

I took a deep breath, knowing my silence wasn't going to continue much longer. In the same moment, my stomach twisted and my heart leapt into my throat at her words. I had always been able to sense this, but I'd never heard her voice it. I'd never heard the feelings formed into words, whispered from her lips with every intention on me hearing them.

"Bella," I took another step forward, restraining myself from getting too close. "It's _okay_ to be scared. It's okay to feel what you're feeling, but..." I stopped, making sure she was listening before I continued. "It's not okay to hold yourself back like this."

Bella opened her mouth to speak, but her voice caught as she struggled to push back a sob threatening to escape her throat. "I'm _trying_ ," she whispered.

My face crumpled as I watched the tortured sincerity on her face, but I let myself say it anyway.

"You're not trying hard enough."

For a moment, the authenticity on Bella's face melted into frustration as she let out a strangled noise from the back of her throat. The look was gone a moment later, though, and I could tell that deep down, she agreed with me. She knew she wasn't trying hard enough.

"First of all, you need to stop telling yourself that you don't know what to do, because you're wrong – you _do_ know what you need to do," I pressed on, the next step I took landing me directly in front of Bella so now only a couple feet were separating us.

"You have to let go of the past – you have to let go of Jake. Bella, he left us. He wasn't strong enough to stay and he turned out to not be the person we thought he was." I could see the tears returning to her eyes and even though I wasn't sure the cause of them at this point, it took everything I had not to reach out and touch her. She was close enough, but I kept my hands where they were.

"But neither are you, Bella. The person you were before? She doesn't exist anymore and that's okay, too," I murmured, the firmness still present in my voice as I reminded myself of my mission, of what I needed to do and what she needed to know. "But you have to realize that your life didn't stop when he left – it kept moving forward, _you_ kept moving forward without him. You had to change, you had to adapt – you're stronger now."

Bella shook her head, the tears now streaming down her cheeks as she took in every word I said, as she processed each one at time. As she did, her hand clasped the pendant still dangling from her neck. I watched it for a moment as her fingers caressed the stone, almost as if she was trying to draw something from it, before I again let my eyes travel back up to her face.

"I'm not strong," she choked. "If I was, we wouldn't be having this conversation, Em. I would know what I needed to do."

"I already told you, Bella – you _know_ what to do." I couldn't stop myself from taking another step, narrowing the distance between us. "It's about _you_ now, Bella. This isn't about the past – it's about your future. And this isn't about Jake anymore either – this is about you and me."

This time I did step forward as far as I could go, my leg now resting between her knees as it leaned against the Rabbit's bumper. I felt my hand raise until it reached her cheek, feeling the stale moisture of her tears under my palm as I tipped her head up. I felt her warmth the same time a similar one raced through my veins, the certainty now powering everything I did.

"Look at me," I murmured as her eyes affixed to mine. "Bella, I've _made_ my choice. And I could sit around and wait for you to make yours first, but I'm not going to because you have to know everything – you have to know what's changed." I took a deep breath before I continued, gently pressing my fingertips against her skin. "I'm being selfish, but I don't care because I've made my choice, just like Jake made his choice the day he left. I'm choosing to let go. I'm choosing to move on, and Bella – I want to move on with you. I want to be _with you_ because _you_ are my choice."

Bella's breath hitched as she realized this was much more than I'd said before, as she realized this was complete. This wasn't just about being close to her, and it wasn't just about wanting to touch her. This was _everything_ to me.

 _She_ was everything to me.

"But you still have some choices to make," I pressed on, my chest tightening to an almost unbearable level as Bella's eyes shut, another tear squeezing from between her closed lids as my heart threatened to pound its way from my chest. "You can't go back to the way things were before because it doesn't have to be that way – it shouldn't be that way – and I'm going to fight until you see it. I'm going to fight until you see everything I'm telling you."

Bella's mouth fell open slightly, her hand raising slowly until it covered mine, her fingers lacing delicately between mine as she did. "Embry," she whispered, the breathless word gripping hard at my insides. "How do I know I won't get hurt again?"

Bringing my other hand up, I cupped her face in them as her eyes pierced through me, revealing a fear she'd never shared with me as it threatened to break down every last ounce of resolve I had.

"Have I let you down yet?" I replied without so much as a second thought, my eyebrows raising and the corners of my lips curling in a slight, reassuring smile as I tried to convey every bit of truth I could into the words.

Even though Bella shook her head, I let out a deep breath and said the last thing I could to drive my point home. "But if that's not enough, if you still don't believe me – let me prove it to you, Bella. Let go, and then let me prove it to you. Let me show you just how much you're worth fighting for."

I swore I saw a smile threatening to break free beneath the tears as my fingertips brushed her cheeks and I watched a fresh batch form in her eyes. I wanted to stay with her. I could have held her like that all night, reassuring her. I wanted to kiss her, but I knew I couldn't. She needed to figure this out on her own. As much as I wanted to help her, she needed to let go for herself first. She needed to choose the road that made her happiest – and hopefully I'd be at the end of that road when she did.

Leaning forward one last time, I let my lips linger on her forehead for one single moment before I pulled away swiftly, already missing her warmth beneath my hands as I turned and walked as quickly as I could out of the garage and into the darkness outside.

It was done. I'd told her everything and done everything I could, and now she _knew_ everything. She knew how I felt and she knew what she needed to do.

Now, all I had to do was wait and see what she chose.


	21. Home

_**Suggested Listening: "Bluebird" by Christina Perri, "Hope for Now" by City and Colour, "Transatlanticism" by Death Cab for Cutie, "I Have Loved You Wrong" by The Swell Season** _

**BELLA POV**

Precariously balancing the weight of the numerous shopping bags suspended from my forearms, I managed to lean down just enough to slip the key into the lock before turning it with an unnecessary, labored grunt, the door swinging open unceremoniously beneath my weight.

It was almost four o'clock and while I knew Charlie wouldn't be home for another hour, I'd purposely fled the little red house in La Push nearly two hours earlier. In reality, I needed to go to the grocery store before heading to what was still considered my home, for all intents and purposes. Charlie had asked me to come over to have dinner for my birthday under one condition – I obviously had to be the one to cook it if I wanted it to resemble something close to edible.

The three hours I'd allowed myself to shop was about two and a half hours more than I needed, but there was another reality I couldn't ignore. The feel of a warm palm on my face, a pair of dark and expressive eyes burned into the back of my mind, the constant and overwhelming flutter in my stomach as I remembered his words, mixed with too many stale reminders as I sat there, reminders that caused everything to blend together in a hazy mess inside my head.

I needed clarity. I needed _focus_. I needed the split second of sheer certainty I felt before the warmth of that palm retreated, both it and its owner fleeing as I registered a moment later just how much I missed having it there.

Everything – the combination of it all – had me grabbing my keys and stumbling toward my car way before it was necessary.

Being out of the house, I could feel the ties to the past reminders weaken, but everything else intensified, even as I rigidly pushed a shopping cart up and down each aisle of Forks' small grocery store several times. Each word pulsated inside my head and pushed at my back impatiently, conflicting with the mundane task awkwardly trying to hold my physical attention and reminding me I was still standing at that crossroads I'd been the night before.

_"You're not trying hard enough."_

Shit. Charlie doesn't like the instant mashed potatoes you can make with water. Maybe I should just make homemade?

The consideration disappeared almost as quickly as it appeared as my hand automatically tossed the package of water-based mashed potatoes into the cart.

_"It's about you now, Bella. This isn't about the past – it's about your future."_

The awkward, pimply teenager behind the meat counter cocked a cynical eyebrow in my direction as he handed me the three different kinds of ground sausage I'd robotically asked for, and I didn't think twice as he shook his head at the ridiculousness of it.

" _Bella – I want to move on with you. I want to be with you because you are my choice."_

A throat clearing behind me made me jump as I realized I was still standing in front of the produce section, tomatoes clasped in each hand as I realized I wasn't sure how long I'd been frozen in that position. Letting my arms fall, I smiled apologetically at the frowning woman whose hand was propped impatiently on her hip. Looking away, I grabbed a plastic bag off the roll and pushed the cart away as she watched me skeptically.

_"Have I let you down yet?"_

I stopped just beside the oranges and the lemons, suddenly taking a moment to collect my bearings, the simple six words – words I'd always believed and never questioned – still repeating over and over in my head.

But they meant so much more now – more than they ever had in the beginning.

And they were all I could think about. _Embry_ was all I could think about.

Proof of my mind's preoccupation with him was evident throughout the shopping cart in front of me. I kept seeing his face and his eyes every time I closed mine, and his voice wouldn't stop echoing in my head, warring for space and winning the battle against my own thoughts.

I felt a shudder work its way up my spine as I remembered the remaining pieces of our conversation, my body leaning on the shopping cart as I closed my eyes. He knew what he wanted, and he wasn't afraid to move forward. His confidence, his certainty had come through the night before as he stood in front of me, his words absolute and sure.

He was where I wanted to be, where I _needed_ to be.

Those words, falling from his lips, had changed things yet again. To him, this was about so much more than duty, than loyalty, than family. To me, it was about so much more than comfort and appreciation.

And to both of us, it was about so much more than friendship. It all developed, little by little over the passing weeks, and now the transition – the shift in those feelings – was complete.

All I had left to do was embrace the shift – embrace it like Embry embraced it – and do it with _every_ part of me. Not just the part the allowed myself to get lost in those patient and persistent eyes, or the corner of my soul that reveled in the feel of his lips against my skin and the electricity I could feel pass through me when I did, and not just the portion of me that found it so easy to draw warmth from in his arms.

It was more than that, too. My feelings were whole, and I knew that now. I was positive a part of me had _always_ known it, and I knew I could no longer just hand him my body, and I couldn't simply give him my affection. He'd given me more than that – he _deserved_ more than that.

I had to give him everything. I _wanted_ to give him everything.

I had to hand over my trust, my faith and my fractured heart, and in order to do it, I had to find a way to sever the lone, fraying tie holding me to the past. I had to find a way to stomach the feeling of leaving such a huge part of me behind, and I had to find the strength to make that choice without the closure I so desperately needed but might never get.

But above all, I had to find a way to conquer the fear that kept me rooted in place. I'd been here before. I'd faced a similar decision. It was a choice as clear and as tangible as the fear it carried. It was a fear of knowing that handing over those pieces of my heart gave the person receiving them both the power to not only mend them, but to pulverize them into pieces just as easily.

Edward was proof of that.

 _Jacob_ was proof of that.

And despite what he said, would Embry be any different?

Regardless, my time of figuring it out was up.

There was nowhere to go now but forward and considering how far we'd already come, Embry was right. There would be no pretending what was happening between us wasn't reality.

I fell through the doorway to my Forks home, my one free hand clasping the door handle to keep myself from stumbling any farther than I already had. Regaining my balance, I pulled the key from the lock and turned on my heel, using my foot to close the door behind me. With a soft sigh, I took in the air permeating the entryway, the home's scent a comforting mix of leather, clove and Charlie's cheap aftershave.

Turning to my right, I crossed the small distance between me and the kitchen, hoisting the grocery bags onto the table before I turned to survey the carnage I already knew I'd find the second I did.

Upon doing so, I was fairly positive that in the span of time between my visits, the kitchen had fared worse than any other room in the house. The garbage was overflowing on to the floor and there were dishes stacked high in the sink. If I looked hard enough, I was pretty sure I could see the toast crumbs from Charlie's breakfast still littering the countertop next to the sink.

Standing there for a moment, I took a deep breath and let it leave me in a loud exhale, the piece of hair that had fallen over my eyes fluttering from the force of it, when it became clear I had my work cut out for me before I even thought about picking up a utensil.

Momentarily ignoring the mess, I put away all the groceries, throwing away at least three rotten leftover meals I found in the fridge. Once the groceries found a home, I set to cleaning up the kitchen. I fell into my old routine quickly and had the entire kitchen spotless in a matter of 30 minutes. Beer cans and pizza boxes were stashed in a 30-gallon garbage bag, the floor was swept and the countertops scrubbed. When I was done, you could hardly tell such a mess existed just minutes before.

Sighing quietly to myself, I retrieved all the necessary ingredients for dinner before sneaking a glance at the clock. I found myself drumming my fingers absentmindedly on the countertop as I mentally did the math. It was too quiet in the kitchen, and Charlie wouldn't be home for another 15 minutes.

Letting my hand fall to the laminate surface with a thud, I reached up to the small radio sitting on the window ledge above the sink with the other and flipped it on. It was too quiet in the kitchen. A classic rock station out of Port Angeles blared from the speakers, causing me to jump before I quickly twisted the volume knob down about ten notches.

It was distraction enough as I retrieved the peppers and onions I needed from the refrigerator, laying them out on the countertop before grabbing the cutting board and knife from its drawer.

Before long, I was singing along to Fat-Bottomed Girls, focusing every ounce of concentration I had into the methodic rhythm of my chopping as I started working on our spaghetti primavera, minding carefully not to cut off my own finger in the process.

I had managed to become so engrained in the mundane action, I barely heard the footsteps in the entryway as the front door closed behind them.

"Bells?"

"In here, Dad!" I called, snapping out of my trance and throwing a glance over my shoulder. As I looked back, my mouth fell open as I realized I hadn't just sliced the peppers and onions, I'd diced them into tiny, almost microscopic pieces.

I sighed as I heard Charlie shuffle into the kitchen, his cruiser keys rattling as he hung them up on the peg next to the doorway.

_Get it together, Swan._

I closed my eyes and shook my head at myself in admonishment. A second later, my eyes snapped open and I smiled as Charlie's hand was on my shoulder, his lips landing a quick peck on the top of my head.

"Hey, kiddo. Happy birthday."

I glanced at him and let my smile spread a little further. His brow creased as he watched me. "Thanks."

His gaze fell to the cutting board in front of me. "You making salsa or something?"

I snorted, shrugging as my stare followed his. "I could, I guess - I mean, it was supposed to be for spaghetti primavera, but I think I got a little carried away with the chef's knife."

Charlie's eyebrows rose skeptically. "Apparently." He reached up and unbuttoned the top button on his uniform shirt. "Meh, just throw it in the sauce. That'll be just as good. I'm gonna go take a shower and then I'll be back down."

Sighing, I nodded at the minced peppers instead of my father. "Sure, Dad."

I did end up putting the peppers in the sauce and it didn't turn out half-bad, although as I set the table, I was still amazed I managed to get through the cooking process without putting the garlic bread in the waffle iron, the spaghetti in the freezer, or worse, not catch the kitchen on fire entirely.

By the time Charlie came into the kitchen, following his twenty-minute pit stop in front of the TV to catch the last bit of Sports Center, I was sitting at the table, hands folded in my lap before I pressed my luck any farther.

The silence lasted about two minutes into the meal before Charlie decided it was time to catch up on my life.

"So you're back at work then?"

I nodded, pushing the spaghetti around my plate with my fork as Charlie watched me from across the kitchen table. "Went back earlier this week."

"Bet Mrs. Newton is happy to have you back," Charlie countered, eyeing me thoughtfully over his piece of garlic bread. Even through his mechanical chews, I could see there was something else on his mind – something else he wanted to say.

"She is," I replied, taking a sip of water. "Not as happy as Mike, though."

Charlie gave a throaty, punctuated chuckle as he set his piece of bread down on the plate, mimicking my movement and taking a drink of his own water. I watched him warily as he took a deep breath, sitting his fork down on the plate next to his spaghetti as he reached for his napkin. He was going to say something. As my father, I'd learned his triggers. I recognized the signs when I was about to get a stern, paternal talking-to.

When the throat clearing came, I knew I was in for it.

"Bella, I think it's time you moved back home."

And there it was.

"Dad..." My fingers curled around my napkin as I stared holes through the pepper shaker sitting in the middle of the kitchen table, marking the exact middle point between us.

"Now, Bella, just hear me out," Charlie rushed, putting up one hand as if to ward off my words. "I get why you're staying out there, I do. But I really think it's time you come home."

Sitting my own fork down on the table, I leaned back in my chair and crossed my arms in front of my chest. I felt a compulsion within me to argue with him, to reiterate why I felt like I needed to be there, but despite everything, the reason wasn't forming in my mouth. I could remember why I made that decision, but now, the reason seemed less feasible and less likely than it ever had before.

My mouth fell open, my jaw slack and suspended for a second, before I uttered the best protest I could come up with. "Dad, I told you why I needed to be there."

"I know you did, Bells," he huffed, propping his elbow on the table and repeatedly clenching his hand into a loose fist. "But you really think you should be doing favors for Jake anymore? How long's it been since you heard from him?"

My eyes diverted from the shaker, darting to my father for a split second before falling back to the table. Strangely enough, I felt a pang of guilt knowing I would likely continue the lie I'd already told Charlie, but the feeling wasn't caused by his mention of Jacob.

"It's been a long time, Dad."

Charlie sighed. "Exactly, Bells. It's been a _really_ long time." It was his turn to sit back in his chair. "You know Billy was my best friend, kid, and it makes me damn proud to know you wanted to do that for him and look after his house when he left us." This time Charlie leaned forward, resting both arms on the table as I felt his subtle, worried gaze on me. "But there are people on the Rez who can do that just as easily as you, kiddo – people who can do it and have it not... _affect_ them so much."

I frowned, this time allowing myself to find and keep Charlie's stare as I searched his eyes for an explanation. "What do you mean?" Inside, I wasn't denying it, and outwardly, I still wanted to hear Charlie out.

"Well, I mean it hasn't really been easy on you to be out there, to be staying in that house, am I right?" Charlie cocked an eyebrow, his mustache furrowing as his face tensed in concentration.

It was my turn to sigh as I shrunk back against Charlie's stare, remembering how much easier it had been to think and focus once I was away from the little red house, away from the memories and the reminders of the past.

"Some days are worse than others," I responded quietly.

Charlie made a grunting noise in his throat as he reached for his glass to take another drink of water. "Well, it shouldn't even be like that," he continued, pursing his lips as his breath left him in a quick huff. Judging by the look in his eyes, he was far from done with me. "You know I was always a fan of Jake's, Bells – you know that better than anyone. Loved the boy like he was my own, but this?" He motioned to me with his hand, obviously indicating that 'this' meant me. " _This_ isn't okay. What he did by leaving? And then having the nerve to ask you to look after the house, like it would be easy on you? Not acceptable."

Again, I felt my mouth open like I should defend him since Charlie's reasoning wasn't reality, but this wasn't the first time I'd heard these words, and I could feel Charlie's working their way through me, joining with the others as they reinforced my voice's decision to stay silent.

"And you staying out there as long as you have? Again, not acceptable," Charlie continued, his face softening as he pressed on, noticing the unresponsive expression on my face. "Listen, sweetheart, we all have our own ways of dealing with loss and stuff, you know? Jake – well, I reckon he thought leaving was his only option and that's fine, I guess." He leaned forward as he spoke, his eyes widening slightly with concern. "But he's not my kid, Bells – you are, and it's you I worry about."

"I know, Dad, and I love you for it – really, I do," I said, trying to smile at him and convey a sense of certainty I was having a hard time feeling myself. How could I convince him I was moving forward, that I was putting Jacob behind me, when it was something I could hardly convince _myself_ I was capable of doing?

"And I love you, too, kiddo – you know that, too. That's why I worry so much, and why you probably don't even realize how much I have you pegged." Charlie's brows were still knowingly arched over his eyes. "You're a lot like me, Bells, even though I'm sure you don't want to hear that," he continued. "We like to marinate in our misery."

Even though I knew exactly what he meant and didn't disagree with him, I bit my lip to keep myself from cracking a smile. "That's very poetic, Dad."

Charlie rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah – but you get what I'm saying?"

I nodded. "We don't let go easily," I murmured. "We don't like to admit that we're afraid, that we were _wrong_."

Charlie gave me a curt nod. "And I think if you come home, it might be a little easier to put all that stuff behind you," Charlie concluded, still nodding, almost like he was agreeing with himself in hopes I'd agree with him, too. "It's too easy to wallow out there, kiddo – it's too easy to hang on to everything when you're constantly surrounded by it." Charlie sighed again. "And lord knows I know a thing or two about wallowing."

I frowned, my fingers playing absentmindedly with the sleeve of my t-shirt. "What do you mean, Dad?"

Charlie's eyebrows lifted and fell as he watched his glass of water. "Sweetie, when you and your mom left, it took me a really long time to stop telling myself you were both gonna come back."

My stomach twisted at my father's words. This was a part of his history, a part of his life, of which he rarely ever spoke. I knew how much he'd loved Renee, and I never pretended to _not_ notice the fact that even now, almost twenty years later, he hadn't done much to move forward since the day she packed up her bags, packed up me, and ran as far away from Forks as she could.

A distant memory, an almost silent pain flashed across Charlie's brown eyes for a split second before it disappeared. "And hell, maybe I've never really gotten over it – which kinda sucks for the women in this town. You have any idea how long I've been the most eligible bachelor in Forks?"

I couldn't help but laugh when I saw the smile pulling at my father's lips. He was awkwardly trying to deflect from the obvious weight his words carried, even though I knew he meant every single one. The smile never reached his cheeks as my laugh subsided and I knew, even in jest, he was still trying to make a point.

The sigh that left Charlie's lips painfully grated at something inside me. "Okay, we won't go that far, but still – I'm old and wise enough now to look back and know what the hell I missed out on because I was too busy holding on to what-ifs and maybes."

My stomach knotted fiercely as I listened to him. I never imagined my father as unhappy, and I never imagined him as regretful. Seeing this side of him twisted my insides uncomfortably.

He'd been through this before, and I realized I never took a second to remember he'd faced a similar parallel, that at one point in his life, he was at a juncture remarkably resembling my own. He had faced losing someone he loved, the future he thought he had, and the person he thought he was. Now here he was, telling me as much, telling me how he'd let the past get in the way and how differently he wished he handled things when it happened.

This time Charlie picked up his fork and twirled it in his spaghetti, which was no doubt cold by now. "I know I'm probably not helping my case much, because you probably don't want advice from your lonely, old dad, kiddo," he muttered, taking a huge bite and chewing for a moment. "And I know a lot of times, things are easier said than done, and sometimes we don't get the closure we need to put parts of our life in the rear view mirror – but we gotta do it anyway. What doesn't kill 'ya makes you stronger, right?

His words continued to pull, stirring something deep within me. "So you're saying maybe all the things that happened to us happened for a reason?" I countered after a few moments.

I repeated the words to myself, silently hashing them out before Charlie had a chance to respond. I couldn't deny there was a certain amount of truth in them. It was a truth I couldn't ignore as I thought back on everything that happened since Jacob left, as I picked out every moment and every change – as I focused on the _people_ – that had been sources of light in the darkness, people who had given me a reason to look forward to the future, despite my inability to embrace the fact I still had one.

" _Let me prove it to you, Bella. Let go, and then let me prove it to you. Let me show you just how much you're worth fighting for."_

Not my inability.

My _unwillingness_.

I couldn't help the shiver that spread throughout my body as I did, remembering words, remembering a promise for that same future filled with so much hope, it was impossible to deny what I'd be gaining by choosing to accept it, by choosing that road in particular.

Charlie shrugged, oblivious to the thoughts running through my head as I somehow managed to keep a stoic yet rapt look on my features. "Not necessarily," he admitted, "but what other choice do you got but to look at it that way, Bells?"

He cleared his throat again before he continued. "I guess what I'm saying is you gotta try to be happy, sweetie. Life doesn't come with a money-back guarantee. You gotta get back on the horse. You gotta get away from all that bad and focus on the good, you know? Focus on what you have and be grateful for it. I focused on you – I focused on being a dad and on being a good cop. You gotta find your thing to focus on – but really, you just gotta be happy."

Heaving a dense breath, my father's advice swirled inside my head as I processed it sentence by sentence. I knew I'd heard all this before, but not like this – never like this. Not from my own father, who had absolutely no real knowledge of what was going on and who had no stake in this other than my well-being and his own desire to see me happy.

Yet even he could see it – even he knew what I needed to do, and not a single word was lost as I took each one in. Reaching up, I brushed a strand of hair behind my ear. As I let my hand fall, my fingers brushed the cool metal against the warmth of my neck, following each side of it until my hand was splayed across my sternum just above the pendant. It hadn't left my neck since Embry put it there.

"Are you happy, Dad?"

Charlie frowned as he paused, his fork sticking in his mound of spaghetti. "Sure, Bells, I'm happy." With that, he brought the fork to his mouth and took a bite. Chewing for a moment, he swallowed thickly.

"Do you wish you would have done things differently?"

Charlie shrugged. "Sure, sometimes – but you know what they say about hindsight. Lucky for me I have that now, though, which is the only reason I'm saying something to you." He stopped, looking at me intently. "And it's why I think it's time to say your goodbyes. I think it's time you come home."

My chest tightened as I watched the sincere, concerned expression in his eyes. I hadn't even thought of it before. Yet now, right in front of me in an achingly honest display, I could see what Charlie was trying to prove to me – every worry, every fear, every concern, every bit of forgotten hurt he had rooted deep in his stare.

I hardly registered my mouth open to speak the next three words, my voice cracking slightly as the words – ones that reached far beyond the topic hovering like a dark, glaring cloud over the dinner table – left my lips.

"I'm scared, Dad."

Charlie's face softened all over again. "I know, honey. Life is damn scary, but it's also a big old risk. That's scary, too – but you never know how scary it can be till you take one." He took a deep breath, his shoulders heaving as he did. "You gotta have faith though, because you never know – it might just end up being the best damn decision you ever made."

A weak but reassured smile crossed my lips as I watched Charlie from my chair, barely realizing it as my fingers curled around the pendant just below my collarbone. After a moment, he looked away and shoved another huge bite of spaghetti into his mouth, his eyes flicking up for just a moment.

"Where'd you get the necklace, Bells? It's pretty."

The softness behind the smile dissipated a little as I allowed it to spread. "A friend gave it to me," I replied, one word in particular sounding unnatural as it fell from my lips.

"That was awful of generous of them," Charlie said, reaching for his glass. "You got good friends, Bells. They've been taking pretty good care of you out there, haven't they?"

I nodded. "Yeah, they have."

Charlie pursed his lips and nodded in return, his eyes now fixed on his plate as he picked up the last bite of garlic bread resting haphazardly on his plate. "So you'll think about what I said?"

"Yeah, Dad – I'll definitely think about it."

* * *

And I did think about it.

As each mile passed on my way back to the little red house of the edge of La Push, I thought about it. And I thought about everything else Charlie said during our conversation over dinner. I thought about what he said about holding on to what-ifs and maybes, about saying my goodbyes and about hindsight.

Above all, though, a few words resonated among the mess of thoughts, rising high above the other the points Charlie made. I was able to string the others together, making sense of each one as I weaved each one over and over through my mind, making sure each one stuck – making sure I gave each one the attention it deserved.

Risk.

Faith.

 _Happiness_.

Before, the words didn't seem to mix. They were all accompanied by completely different feelings – different fears, different certainties – ones that didn't seem to lead to one another or go hand in hand.

But now, as I watched the windshield wipers streak across the glass, synchronized with the pounding of my heartbeat in my ears, I knew I was wrong.

Without one, it was impossible to have the others.

I had to make a choice. I had to choose to take that risk, to let go of my fear. I had to have faith that taking that risk wouldn't lead me astray, that it wouldn't lead me in the wrong direction.

I had to realize that without fear, there was no gain.

And I had to have faith that risk would be followed by happiness.

And I also knew it applied to so much more than moving back home and leaving the house in La Push, in admitting to myself it was okay to not be there.

The risk was present in the snippets of conversation flashing through my mind, laced indirectly through the words that worked their way from Embry's mouth and into my heart the night before, rooting themselves in a place deep within me and reminding me they weren't going anywhere – reminding me they'd always been there and prompting me to recognize where the biggest risk resided.

But the only way I could take it was to put the past behind me. And for the first time in three months, it was just within reach. It was so close I could feel its warmth on my fingers and my heart bulged with an emotion I hadn't felt in even longer.

Hope.

But as I pulled into the driveway of the little red house, barely visible through the downpour unleashed on the earth from the darkening, early evening sky, I knew there was one last obstacle waiting for me.

The risk, the choice, my fears were all contained within the four walls of the house standing in front of me, and before I could let go, before I could take a step toward that hope, I had to face them all.

I had to say my goodbyes.

 _You can do this, Bella_ , I urged myself as I swung the door open and swiftly exited the Mustang. It was strange how in the twilight of both the day and the conversation with my father, I no longer viewed this house as a home, as a sanctuary. Instead, it stood before me foreboding, and little by little - as the memories that came hand in hand with this place flitted back to the edges of my mind - I was reminded of what shackled me to this place and why I allowed it to be that way.

But it couldn't be that way. Not anymore.

Taking a deep breath, I slammed the car door and plunged forward, my feet barely missing the puddles collected by the pouring rain. A slight burst of adrenaline carried my feet toward the front steps, and I took them in one swift leap, managing to stay upright as I did. A few hasty strides later, my fingers curled around the doorknob and I swung it open, revealing the interior of a place I'd let become my hiding spot.

Reaching up and using my hands to slick the raindrops away from my hair, I diverted my eyes from the living room as I put one foot in front of the other, traveling down the hallway before hanging a sharp right into the guest bedroom. I knew my destination and I wouldn't allow myself to be deterred as I kept walking toward the bed, dropping to my knees as I reached it, shoving my hands beneath the wooden frame until my fingers groped the edge of my suitcase.

It took only a few minutes to collect my belongings scattered throughout the spare room and pack them haphazardly into the suitcase. My mind was outside. It was on getting through this and getting past it. My chest heaved with labored breaths and I could feel the sweat collecting on my palms as I sped through my task, my focus on the end result.

Not bothering to gather the last of my possessions from the bathroom, I slammed the top of my suitcase down and gave it one swift push, my fingers shaking as I gripped the zipper and closed it.

I did it. This was the downhill stretch. I could see the end to the means, and now all I had to do was pick up the suitcase and make it back out to my car.

Grasping the suitcase handle, I heaved it off the bed, every part of me now tucked securely inside, affording the room one last glance. However, I didn't afford it a second thought for fear of what might happen if I did. Instead, I turned determinedly on my heel and couldn't help it as a slight smile pulled at my lips, knowing I was _really_ doing this.

Somewhere, I found the strength. Somehow, I figured out the first step I needed to take, and now, I could feel my feet become less burdened as I took one step after another, closing the distance between where I was and where I needed to end up.

But what I felt didn't matter, what I knew didn't matter, because what I saw as I reached the doorway caused the heaviness to return as my feet failed to move altogether.

They had led me this far, but as my eyes fell on what was in front of me, I knew it wasn't going to be as easy as I hoped. I knew there was one last thing I had to do, and there was one more hurdle I had to clear before I could prove to myself I was strong enough for goodbye.

This spot wasn't foreign to me. In fact, I'd stood here before several times, never going farther than where my body rested now as my gaze swept over the weathered wooden door directly across the hall from the spare bedroom.

The door that perpetually remained closed. The door I hadn't been strong enough to open.

Jacob's door.

I felt a sickening knot form in my stomach the longer I stood there, the longer my feet refused to move. I wasn't close - I wasn't close at all. Throwing a few things in a suitcase and walking back to my car, bypassing this place as I did - _that_ was easy. That was something I knew I could do.

But this? If I truly wanted to say goodbye, if I wanted to release everything inside me hanging on, this was something I'd have to face. I'd have to face his things, I'd have to face our memories, I'd have to face his smell.

I'd have to face _him_.

And as my feet remained glued to the floor no matter how much my insides were screaming at me to flee, I knew it wasn't an option.

Which is why it didn't surprise me as my feet suddenly moved, closing the small bit of space between my body and the door, and why it didn't come as a shock when I felt my arm raise and my fingers stretch as they reached toward to knob, my other hand letting my suitcase fall to the floor as I did.

I barely registered the thud the suitcase made as it blended with the sound of my pounding heart, as my fingers grasped the inexpensive brass of the knob, as it had at least twice before. This time, though, I was able to push through my resolve as I turned the fixture, little by little, my hand only hesitating just before the door gave way under my action.

_You know what you need to do._

My breath left me in a forceful rush as my eyes closed, unwillingly weighted against the words spoken to me only hours ago.

_You're stronger now._

I nodded, silently agreeing with the memory in my head as my wrist twisted, giving the knob the last bit of force it needed for the door to unlatch, an off-kilter foundation proving to be in my favor as the door required no extra effort on my part to swing open the rest of the way.

I hadn't realized I was holding my breath as I stood before Jacob's room, now open and inviting me in, testing me, goading me to see if I really had the determination to do this.

Forcing myself to take a deep breath through the weight sitting on my chest, I took a step forward.

The first thing that hit me was the smell.

It was rich and musky, and while a certain amount of staleness hung in the air, there was no mistaking it. The smell was one I knew. It was the scent that donned my pillow the morning after I found out he left and it was one I could find each and every time before when I buried my nose in his neck, my arms curling around his body as I did. I could almost feel the warmth as the smell traveled through my nostrils, the woodsy scent of earth and rain curling through my body as it wrapped around my insides, squeezing them with a potent grip and reminding me of what it symbolized.

As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I took another step inside the room, my nostrils tingling, my heart pounding, and my hands clenched in nervous fists as my sides.

Along the wall and under the window, Jacob's long, narrow bed remained unmade, his old, brown quilt piled in a heap at the end of it. It was the same quilt I would wrap myself in when I spent the night, knowing it was the softest one in the house. The sheets were mussed and my eyes fell on his pillow. It was bunched, its stuffing deteriorating, allowing the clear indent from where his head was the last time he slept there to remain, even after all this time.

Beside the bed rested a car magazine and near the foot, an old t-shirt and a pair of cut-offs were piled in a heap on the floor, like they were shed by someone who was in hurry. I could feel the goosebumps rise on my arms as my stare remained fixed on the clothing, a million scenarios and theories running through my head as I did.

Had a stranger ventured into the room, they would have been easily fooled. I knew better, though, and as I let my eyes drift over everything, it would have been easy to assume its occupant had only left a few hours earlier. Time had not touched this place, and everything was exactly where it had been left.

Like nothing at all had changed.

Ripping my gaze away, I shook my head as the knot in my stomach flared. Taking one more step, I reached the edge of Jacob's dresser. My mouth fell open slightly as I felt my hand raise, brushing shakily along the heavy oak and leaving a trail with my finger in the layer of dust coating it. Allowing myself another step, I turned to face it and survey the belongings littering the top of the piece of furniture.

My eyes swept over the loose change, the crumpled up receipts, the leather watch I bought Jacob for his last birthday. I felt a familiar sting in my eyes as I reached out to touch the band. He had rarely worn it, saving it only for what he called special occasions.

My gaze raising slightly, it ultimately fell on the two pictures Jacob had kept pinned to the wall above the dresser. One was weathered, the edges curling. The color had faded over the years, but the faces were the same. In the photo, Billy and Jacob's mother, Sarah, stood on the front steps of the little red house, Billy's arm resting lovingly and protectively across Sarah's shoulders. Sarah was smiling as she gazed at Billy, and I felt the vice grip tighten around my heart, the photo reminding me of how unfair life could be, how unfair it was when lives were taken too early.

A choked noise leaving my throat, I let my eyes drag across the children in the photo - toddler Jacob was propped against his mother's hip, reaching toward Rachel and Rebecca, who stood in front of their parents, making faces at the camera. Jacob's only focus in the picture seemed to be getting his hands on at least one of the matching pigtails framing his sisters' round faces.

A small smile spread across my lips, but dissolved just as quickly as my eyes fell on the other photo - the photo of me and Jacob.

It was eerily similar to the one of his parents. We were both sitting on the front steps of my home in Forks. Jacob's grin enveloped his face as he stared at something away from and beyond the camera. I had both arms laced around his as my head rested on his shoulder, my eyes closed and a soft smile spread across my face. I couldn't even remember who had taken the picture, mostly because I had been so lost in the warmth and the comfort of the moment.

Jacob had kept that photo next to the other one because of the similarities. He said the look of happiness on my face looked just like the one on his mother's. He said our photo made him think of her. He said in that moment we reminded him of them.

In a flash, I felt an unforgiving clawing at my throat as it all combined - the photos, the scents, every last item and every last feeling this room held - and I could feel my chest tighten at everything I had to let go, everything I was putting behind me. It became abundantly clear, and it was all laid out before me so I could see it, so I could feel it, so I would know what exactly I was walking away from.

It all mocked me as I backed away from the dresser, trying to put as much distance as I could between the object and me. Everything in this room _wanted_ me to believe nothing had changed. If I did, none of it would be possible.

My shaky legs could no longer hold me upright as I let myself fall, sinking to the edge of the bed. I struggled to draw air between my parted lips. For a split second, as I felt a sob rise in my throat and tears burn the back of my eyelids, I wasn't sure I could do it. I wasn't sure I could ever put this past behind me.

_This isn't about the past, Bella - it's about your future._

_You're stronger now._

I let the sob leave me and it escaped my throat with a loud cry. I repeated the words, over and over. Another sob came and I let it go, too, tears leaving hot tracks down my cheeks. My chest heaved as I struggled to breathe, the cries leaving me in gasps as my fingers curled around the cool sheets beneath me.

Sitting on the edge of Jacob's bed, I closed my eyes, ignoring the wetness on my face and the slowly diminishing burn in my throat as I managed to take a deep breath through my nose. Even through my grief, I allowed myself to take in everything one last time. Through the haze, I managed to fully comprehend and succumb to what I was leaving behind.

That was how I came to the aching and honest realization that I didn't need the words, because I already knew - I already knew I was strong enough to do this. I could feel the pressure in my chest easing with each ragged breath I took, and every tear that worked its way down my flaming cheeks expelled each ounce of pain and fear I'd allowed to be my crutch.

The smells, the feelings elicited from sitting in Jacob's room - everything was a memory now, and it _was_ my past. Everything in the room reminded me of what I lost and what I was putting behind me. It was what I _knew_.

But it was no longer about what I knew.

Looking forward, there was nothing but unknowns now, and even as the musky scent drifted up from the blankets huddled at the foot of Jacob's bed next to me, I knew that's how it had to be.

I didn't need the past. I didn't need to hang onto it because I _did_ have a future to look forward to. It was in my father's softhearted expression as he leaned across the dinner table, in my home in Forks. My future was with the pack. It was in Paul's goodnatured ribbing and Quil's jokes, knowing he always tried so hard to make me laugh. It was in Emily's friendly smile and Leah's hard but true advice as she used her pointed strength to steer those she cared about in the right direction.

And my future was in a pair of patient, loving, kind-hearted onyx eyes. It was in the lopsided smile that brightened my world every time I saw it, even before I realized why. It was in the foundation he created beneath me, in the hope he'd given by offering every piece of himself he was willing to give, expecting absolutely nothing in return.

My future was in his hands, nestled snugly beside my heart.

As the last tear fell from my eye, my hand reached up one last time until it closed softly over the pendant dangling from my neck.

It was my clarity.

 _He_ was my focus.

The tears I shed weren't about loss. They weren't about forgetting – I knew I couldn't forget. I'd never forget this, and I'd never forget Jacob. These memories would never go away. They would always be a part of me.

But memories were exactly what they had to be.

I could feel that push at my back again, that last little nudge reminding me that treading water was no longer an option. Waiting on a ghost was no longer an option.

 _Unwillingness –_ to let go, to be happy, to _live_ – was no longer an option.

The push urged me to my feet. I allowed one last breath to leave me, expelling with it the last bit of resolve from the depths of my soul and willing my feet to walk toward the door. With each step, I felt lighter, the burden of what I'd held on to for so long leaving me piece by piece.

With each step, my goodbye was complete. I didn't know what this goodbye held for tomorrow, but there was nothing I could do about what might happen tomorrow and there certainly was nothing I could do about yesterday.

I could, however, control what I did today.

And my future started today.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, as the sun started to sink below the tips of the pine trees, as the birds silenced their songs for the night, I was at the end of my road.

The path I chose led me here. It took me to the spot I stood, just outside a different door, one to a little brown house. It had led me to the moment I brought up a shaky fist and allowed myself to knock on that door.

I stared at it with wide eyes, this time feeling an entirely different set of emotions. On the way there, I rehearsed what I would say to Embry. I had the entire speech outlined in my head, but now I couldn't remember a single word I was going to say. My chest tightened with anxiety as I took a few deep breaths.

_There's no turning back now._

But that was the most surreal part and perhaps the most freeing.

Standing in front of his door, I had no intentions of turning back.

In the same moment my eyes fell toward the floorboards beneath me, the front door swiftly opened, bathing the porch in a soft, yellow light, interrupted only by an elongated shadow. I didn't have to look up to know who it belonged to, but I did anyway, the invisible pull I felt wanting to see who it was that brought me to this spot.

Embry stood in the doorway, the dim lamplight from the room behind him darkening his frame while the sunset behind me cast a deep, subtle glow on his face. My heart fluttered in my chest as I watched a smile tug at one corner of his lips, his right arm raising as he leaned against the doorframe and looked at me intently. His hair was unkempt and his face stoic but soft, yet his gleaming eyes pierced straight through me as I felt the warmth caused by the care and adoration in them.

In those eyes, I saw _everything_ , and in turn, I was reminded of everything I could have lost, what I could have given up had I not allowed myself this.

And it was in that moment, I made my choice all over again.

I realized I didn't need the rehearsed words I'd prepared on my drive there. Words were no longer important, and I wasn't surprised how easily my feet moved as they stepped toward him, as the nervousness left me as quickly as it came.

As I reached him, Embry face angled downward as he watched me. Only a few inches separated us and I heard his breaths quicken as I came closer, his mouth falling open slightly and his eyes darkening as I tilted my face up so I could still see him.

I felt a soft smile curl across my lips as my arms lifted, reaching toward him until my fingers grazed the cotton of his t-shirt, clasping gently around the soft fabric. My stare continued to hold his as I allowed myself to take one last step, our bodies now grazing each other. I let my gaze fall as my arms snaked around his waist, my fingers splayed across his back and my forehead resting against his chest as I felt the heat from his body radiate through his clothing.

A moment later, I felt his arm drop to his side as both wrapped tentatively, protectively, around me, holding me closer as I turned my face, pressing my cheek against him and allowing myself to inhale his honey-sweet scent before I spoke.

"This is my choice," I finally whispered, even though I knew I heard every word.

"Bella..." His response was barely audible – tentative – as he awaited my explanation, although I was sure he already knew. I realized his breathing had stopped as he stood there, holding me to him, the air leaving his mouth warm on the top of my head.

I hugged him even tighter to me. "And I'm sorry for how long it took me to see it. I'm sorry for not realizing where all this was leading me sooner."

Embry's chest finally heaved with a deep, labored breath as the air left him in a rush, the sound grateful and filled with an emotion only he knew. "Where was that, Bella?" he murmured, his voice low and thick.

This time, I pulled my head back and angled it up to look at him. He was already peering down at me, an intensely rapt expression on his features as he did.

I smiled at him again, easily and completely. "To you," I replied. " _You're_ my choice, Embry."

He needed no further explanation. His breath left him again and his eyes darted away from me for a second, his world shifting within them. Although I could see him swallow roughly, the happiness I felt was indescribable as I watched the genuine, elated smile spread across his face.

A smile I put there for all the best possible reasons.

He didn't speak – he didn't have to. Instead, my own smile was cut short as Embry's eyes traveled back to mine just before he leaned down, covering my lips with his in a soft, languid kiss. It was a kiss that spoke volumes, a kiss containing thousands of emotions he couldn't put into words, and a gratitude he couldn't vocalize.

I knew because I felt the same things.

As I fingertips my grazed the skin on his neck, I held him closer to me as I poured every ounce of my soul into the kiss. Despite the pieces I'd given away on the road that brought me here, what was left of my it I was wholeheartedly prepared to hand over to Embry to let him care for. It was a risk I was willing to take, andI had faith he wouldn't betray that trust.

Because again, I knew I couldn't control tomorrow.

But I was responsible for this moment and in this moment, in Embry's arms, I was happy.

And to me, that was worth everything.


	22. Breakfast

_**Suggested Listening: "As Much As I Ever Could" by City and Colour, "3 Rounds and A Sound" by Blind Pilot, "Little Hell" by City and Colour** _

**Embry POV**

The next morning, I woke up to a loud clatter coming from the small kitchen in my house.

For a split second, before the sleepy hazy was able to clear from my head, I almost instinctually flew out of bed, groggily wondering what kind of airheaded accident my mom had managed to stumble her way into or half-thinking I would yet again have to stop Quil from going through fifty dollars worth of groceries uninvited.

But before my eyes were even fully open, other pieces – other memories from the night before – started falling into place, registering in my head just in time to get rid of the usual theories and keep me right where I was.

Which was comfortable. Buoyant. Suddenly and completely immersed in that _scent_.

 _Her_ scent.

It was everywhere, invading my nostrils the second I was lucid enough to register it. It was on the sheet crumpled haphazardly beside me, it was on the pillow right next to my head, and it was emanating from the next room, bringing with it that same rush of warmth and certainty it always did.

Bella was still here. She made her choice. She made it just like I asked her to.

She chose to let go.

She chose _me_.

And then she stayed.

But I wasn't surprised, and the sound of her movements from one room away only mixed with my recollections from the night before – every touch, every smile and every word that solidified something I'd already known but was waiting for her to discover for herself…

" _So I suppose I should give Charlie a call and offer to take him fishing or something. You know, to say thanks. Or maybe I could just buy him a six-pack and offer to keep him some male company while he watches the Mariners."_

_Bella laughed as the subtle light from the bedside table lamp glowed on her face. We were both sprawled out across the top of my too-small bed. She was laying on her back between the wall and me, and I was on my side facing her, my arm propped on the pillow as my head rested against the palm of my hand. It had been a slightly better option than the couch, which barely fit me alone, yet I hadn't missed the blush and the shy smile cross Bella's face when I suggested this as an alternative option._

_It felt like the beginning. It felt like we were starting all over, and it was the best feeling in the world because this time, we were doing things right._

" _He'd probably like the company for either," she murmured quietly, the small smile still resting on her lips. I couldn't help it as I watched her, even though she wasn't watching me. Instead, she was studying her hand with a furrowed brow, the one that was intertwined with mine above her stomach. My hand would intermittently leave hers so my thumb could trace the lines of her knuckles while my fingers grazed her palm, her hand outstretching willingly to allow it._

" _Is it okay that I'm in here?" she spoke again, looking at me inquisitively. "I mean, no one's gonna show up and, you know, chase me out of here or something?"_

_I cracked a grin at her wide-eyed question. "You mean my mom?" When she nodded, I shook my head in response. "She probably won't be back till Sunday – she's got a new boyfriend up in Neah Bay, so she spends a lot of time there these days when she's not working, which is pretty much the rest of her time."_

" _Oh – good."_

 _A part of me warmed intensely at the thought of Bella spending the night, at the remote possibility_ I _could spend the night with her beside me, holding her…_

" _It wasn't just Charlie, though," she interrupted my thoughts, clearly needing to say more as she veered back to the original subject. I blinked as she let her fingers fall between mine, squeezing my hand. "It was me, too."_

 _This time, she tilted her head toward me. "And it was you. It was_ always _you, Embry. You helped me see it last night. You reminded me what I have right in front of me and what I have to look forward to, and you deserve to be given everything you've given me." Suddenly, she shifted her body, rotating to her side so she was facing me, her eyes conveying every ounce of sincerity she could._

_This time, she let go of my fingers and stretched out her arm, using her own to push a piece of loose hair back from my forehead. Her eyes glistened in the barely-there light of the room as they held mine, as I bit my bottom lip in anticipation of everything she was about to say, even though she didn't need to say it._

" _Bella…" I whispered, raising my hand to recapture hers, where I held it against my face, the coolness of it a sharp and exhilarating contrast to the heat of my own skin._

_This time, her other hand appeared from beneath her as she put a finger to my lips to silence me, and immediately I complied, the electrical current inside me spreading through her simple touch._

" _Shhh," she hissed playfully, and she was close enough I could feel her breath on my face as a grin threatened to overtake hers. "You got your chance to talk last night and now it's my turn."_

_Sighing, I couldn't help it this time as she let her finger fall and I turned my face, smiling as I gently pressed my lips against the palm of her other hand still resting on my cheek. I could hear her pulse quicken as I released her, and she took a deep breath as she retracted it, letting the hand come to a rest on her hip._

" _I want you to know how I feel and why I'm here right now," she continued, her eyes projecting sincerity as she watched mine. "I'm here because you've_ always _been here for me. You never ran away, even though it probably would have been easier for you if you did."_

" _Bell…" I opened my mouth again to speak._

" _Not done!" she interjected forcefully, eliciting a chuckle from me as my mouth closed with a snap. Once she was positive I was done trying to interrupt, she pressed on despite my attempts to stop her. "I'm here because I care about you – in that big, this-could-be-special kind of way – and I want to know what a future with you could be like. And I'm here because you make me happy."_

_Chewing a little bit on her lip, she took a deep breath, her eyes falling to the sheet between us. "And I can't promise you this will be easy, Em, but I promise you I'll try – I'll try to be worthy of you, and I promise you I'll give this everything I have left," she whispered, letting the words permeate the space between us as her eyes bounced back, nervously studying mine for a response._

" _Is it my turn now?"_

_My response was a scoff followed by a lighthearted poke to the ribs._

_Smiling, it was my turn to reach up and run my fingers down the length of her cheek. I couldn't help it – the need to touch her, the need to drink in every part of her even when she was this close was still so overwhelming. Something inside me, buried deep, practically purred when my skin once again made contact with hers._

_This time, though, Bella shivered and I allowed my hand to cup her cheek as I leaned forward, the bed creaking beneath the movement. Once I reached her, I could see Bella swallow, and I hesitated for a split second before closing the gap, pressing a soft, tentative kiss to her lips. I felt the hand that was on her hip reach up and squeeze my shoulder as I separated from her a moment later, and I smiled when she leaned forward, stealing one more kiss for herself before I pulled back the rest of the way._

" _First, I knew all that already," I sighed, my face still remaining close to hers, close enough that I could feel her short, warm breaths on my cheek._

_Bella raised an eyebrow._

_I grinned down at her as I readjusted my head so I was laying on my bicep now instead of against my hand. "If that wasn't the case you wouldn't be here right now, and I wouldn't have spoken up last night."_

_Bella's brow furrowed as she studied my features, now directly in front of hers, her dark eyes peering at me through hooded lashes. "And you were so sure I'd end up here? That I'd end up with you?"_

_The confidence simmered inside me, from a part of me that had remained relatively quiet the last twenty-four hours. "I wasn't, but I had a feeling," I answered. "And I knew there was a good chance you'd end up here if you just let yourself feel it, too."_

_Bella's face softened and her mouth opened, despite no words leaving her lips. After a moment, she closed them and released her own sigh, her breath leaving her body through her nostrils. Eventually, a smile crept across her mouth, one that euphorically worked its way inside me and squeezed._

" _You really do have me figured out, don't you?"_

_Fighting my own grin, I let my gaze fall from hers as my fingers moved from Bella's face to trail down the skin of her arm. "We'll just take it one day at a time, Bells," I murmured, even though my own thoughts were already running away with the finality I felt, the wholeness I'd experienced since opening the door to find the only thing I wanted waiting for me on the other side. "We'll do this the right way, okay?"_

_Smiling, she nodded. "Okay."_

We lay there for a while after that, and Bella told me everything that unfolded after she left Charlie's. She told me how she was able to say her goodbyes, and how she was able to face everything she was letting go. She laid it all out for me. Each revelation, each honest confession settled any microscopic trace of doubt in my mind that my ultimatum may have pushed her into her choice, or that she made it for the wrong reasons.

After awhile, though, her eyes grew heavy and her sentences shortened. In the middle of telling her she was more than welcome to stay for the night rather than chance driving all the way back to Forks, her breaths were even and her mouth was slightly open and I knew she'd fallen asleep.

Blearily rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I couldn't help the stupid grin that spread across my face as I finally opened them to morning.

So _this_ was what it felt like – to be at peace with myself, a peace I hadn't felt since before I realized there was something worth going to war for. There was no scratching, there was no pushing, there were no paths laid out before me to pick.

There was only silence, only contentment. And there was lightness, one reminiscent of the person I was, the person without so much weight on his shoulders, the person I hadn't seen much of since the day Billy died and the day Jake decided he'd be better off somewhere else – better off without us. Better off without Bella.

 _Bella_.

And there was her – and she was _mine_ now. Except this time, it wasn't a warning. It wasn't a demand to claim, to possess. It was fact, a declaration of pride.

And we suddenly had what felt like all the time in the world.

It took me only a moment to register the normality of it, like things worked out as they should have and we were exactly where we needed to be, despite the turbulent changes that led us to this point.

We'd made it through so much and now, the unfamiliar feeling spreading through me could be described as nothing short of unstoppable.

Throwing back the sheet, I laid there for another moment before I glanced at the clock on the small nightstand next to my bed. Eight o'clock. Groaning, I listened for another second to see if I could tell what Bella was doing but was only greeted by the sound of water running in the sink. Whatever she was doing, it was clear she was up for the day.

I heard another crash come from the kitchen.

Frowning, I reached for my t-shirt and pulled it over my head, running my fingers through my hair and stopping for a second to take a deep breath through my nose.

My stomach grumbled as soon as the new scent hit my nostrils.

Was that _bacon_?

Standing up, I reached my arms above my head and stretched before walking to the door, opening it quietly and taking a few steps out into the living room. I turned to my right, facing the kitchen when I stopped in my tracks.

"Holy…"

Bella looked up at me wide-eyed from the counter next to the sink, which faced the living room since it was housed in the partition dividing it from the kitchen. She was hunched over a huge mixing bowl, an apron tied around her waist, flour streaked down one blazing-red cheek and her hair pulled back in a messy ponytail. Peering behind her, I noticed three pans on top of the stove, all sizzling, all containing some type of breakfast food. Looking closer, I did in fact notice bacon. And sausage. _And_ eggs.

And if my mouth wasn't open far enough, it dropped the rest of the way when my eyes shifted to the counter next to stove, where a huge stack of pancakes towered from their spot on a plate. My gaze shifted over slices of bread in the toaster before passing back to Bella who was still watching me with an apprehensive stare.

Leaning against the doorframe, I closed my mouth and bit my lip to keep from grinning at the sight of her. "Morning."

Her breath left her in a quiet huff, causing the loose bit of hair in her face to bounce. "Hey," she replied, managing a small smile as she awkwardly looked down at the mixing bowl in front of her. "The catch on your oven door is broken – it kind of just _fell_ open a second ago."

"Yeah, Mom's been bugging me about fixing that," I replied flippantly, cocking an eyebrow as Bella tightened the grip on the wooden spoon in her hand and started moving it in a circle inside the bowl. "So, um – you inviting the entire pack over breakfast?"

This time Bella's sigh was audible. "No, it's supposed to be for you – well, for you _and_ me, but I wasn't sure what I should make. And I wasn't sure how hungry you'd be, and I figured you're _always_ pretty hungry, so then I figured I should make a lot." The pitch of her voice was rising the more she spoke, a clear indication she was nervous about something. "But then I couldn't decide _what_ to make, so I…" This time she stopped stirring, peeking behind her at the stove, the pancakes and then back at the mixing bowl. "So I kinda just made _everything_."

I felt the corner of my mouth curl up in a smile as she sighed again, this time sneaking a glance at me as she did. "I woulda been okay with a bowl of cereal, Bells."

Bella's face wrinkled as she took the spoon and made a couple deep, stabbing motions at the batter inside the mixing bowl. Was she making _muffins_?

"Cereal? _Really_ , Em? Because nothing says 'here – I'm trying really hard to be a good girlfriend' like a bowl of Lucky Charms. I'm sure your super freaky-fast metabolism would burn _that_ up in about ten minutes."

My stomach jumped a bit because this _wasn't_ a conversation we had, and it overshadowed the fact I knew I probably needed to step in and squelch Bella's pancake batter-fueled, mini-anxiety attack at some point.

But in response, I bit my bottom lip to keep my satisfied smirk from widening.

 _Some_ point.

"Girlfriend?"

Bella blustered, still putting an unnecessary amount of effort behind that wooden spoon. "Well, unless you can think of any other creative synonyms for _this_." She motioned to the two of us before peering up at me for a split second, long enough for me to see the softness in her eyes, letting me know she wouldn't be completely opposed to the title.

I couldn't help the chuckle that escaped my throat and the lightness that overtook me as I pushed myself off the doorframe and took a couple steps into the kitchen, standing near the corner of the counter, a couple feet from Bella. "I could always call you my _lady_ friend – that's what Old Quil always calls Martha Littlesea when they go down to the Rec Center to play cards on Thursday nights."

"Does an AARP card come with that distinction?"

"I could call Martha and ask…"

"That's not funny."

"It's kind of funny."

Bella smacked my hand as I reached out toward the muffin batter, determined to sneak a taste on my finger and figure out what kind it was. Frowning in mock disdain, I watched her face fight the smile threatening the corners of her lips as I withdrew my hand, leaning on the counter with the other.

"I'm kind of bummed there's no Lucky Charms, though…"

Bella huffed and released the spoon, throwing her hands up in surrender. "Fine! You want Lucky Charms? Have Lucky Charms. I'll just take all this over to Emily's and I'm sure the rest of the pack will finish it off. It was a kind of a stupid idea anyway…"

She went to turn toward the stove when I stepped swiftly around the counter, reaching out and grabbing her forearm. Bella squealed in surprise when in one lithe movement, I pulled her to me, her body colliding with mine just in time for me to wrap my arms around her and rest my chin on top of her head. She didn't fight me and I felt her body go limp in my arms, her own eventually snaking around my waist as she let out a heavy breath, expelling the last bit of anxiety from her lungs.

"But not as much as I love pancakes and eggs and sausage and especially bacon – oh, and the mystery muffins," I hummed teasingly, landing an easygoing kiss on her hair. "Can't forget about the mystery muffins, because they look _delicious_ , Bells — even if they're still raw."

"You're such an ass." Her laugh was muffled against my chest.

"And you're still here."

Bella sighed and pulled back enough to peer up at me. "I am. But it's just – it's been awhile since I've done _this_. It almost feels like I've forgotten how to be _this_ to someone, but I'm trying – I promised you I'd try."

Chuckling, I reached over and turned off the burner on the stove containing the pan of bacon, which already looked like it was getting crispy around the edges. "And I appreciate it, Bella. But you really don't have to do all this." My eyes warily swept over the explosion of breakfast items spread across my kitchen. "There're no expectations here, okay? The fact you're here is enough."

By this time, my gaze landed back on Bella, who was still watching me, only this time with a more relaxed look on her face. "Really? That's all you want?" She cocked a skeptical eyebrow in my general direction.

I shrugged nonchalantly, bringing my hands up to her shoulders and rubbing them softly as we stood there. "Well, no. I suppose if we're being honest…" As I spoke the words, I let my fingers gently slide up her neck to her flour-stained cheeks, the same time leaning down, watching Bella as her eyes lazily fluttered shut and her lips parted slightly just before I pressed mine to them. Her lips were warm and soft and it only took a moment before she opened them to me slightly, her body instinctually pressing against mine as she leaned in, her own hands having found their way to my arms where her fingers curled tightly around my biceps.

It didn't take that long for the full intensity of her scent to hit my nostrils. Intertwined with the hints of vanilla and maple seeping from the breakfast foods resting throughout every inch of air in the kitchen, Bella's immediately stood front and center when I was this close to her. It was intoxicating being this close, and the feeling escalated into more than that – into a fierce craving – the second I recognized another scent mix with the alluring sweetness I was used to.

But this one I knew, too, one from a time – two times – before we realized what this meant and when confusion, desperation and counted moments overshadowed the need for everything else.

And that scent made it easy to understand why and how, even now.

Bella's warmth, the feeling of her hands digging into my skin and the sensation caused by her pliable lips, suddenly eager to accept anything I offered her, made it difficult to think as they moved agonizingly slow and cautious over mine, allowing us both to take in everything. Outwardly, it was simple, it was genuine – the way it needed to be in the now early stages of something that was finally concrete, something that was worth doing the right way.

Which is why I pulled away, despite the overwhelming urge to press on, despite the urge to take what I'd already claimed and how easy it would be to get lost in my desire for her, a desire that was could only be described as overpowering. I wanted to know what it was like to simply _be_ with Bella, and as simple as it would be to lose myself in the parts I already knew, I wanted to find out everything else that made her who she was and everything _we_ could be aside from that.

When I opened my eyes, Bella was already looking at me, her eyes glassy and shoulders rising and falling with heavy breaths. "Is that all?" she whispered tentatively, a smile pulling at the corners of her mouth.

Nodding, I leaned forward and pressed a quick kiss to her forehead. "For now? Yeah." I didn't do a very good job hiding the sheepish grin on my face as I leaned back.

Bella cheeks automatically blazed crimson as she released me, clearing her throat awkwardly and smoothing her apron before she took a couple steps back, turning toward the stove. Again, I found myself leaning against the counter as she moved, watching her take one pan off the burner as she peered into it forlornly. "Anything else you can think of?" she said, releasing a deep, flustered breath.

Stifling a laugh by biting my tongue, I shifted to my left and reached up, swinging open the cupboard door to retrieve a few plates for her. "Umm, if you stay here, there is absolutely no getting up before nine o'clock. I'd prefer ten, but nine is non-negotiable." Turning around, I was greeted by Bella, who was now facing me, her hand on her hip, that simpering look still attached to her lips.

"Or I sleep when you sleep, if I want to see you at all. Werewolf schedule – I remember, even if it's really only a good idea in theory," she replied dismissively, and my breath caught in my throat for just a second. For another moment, I instinctively waited for the grimace, for the increase in her pulse, for the flash of blankness to cross her eyes, but it never came as she reached out and took the plates from my hands, smiling at me as she turned back toward the stove.

I let out the breath I hadn't realized I was holding.

Shaking my head more in self-admonishment than an answer to her question, realizing my learned instinct to expect Bella to bristle at any reference of Jake had gotten the better of me, I pushed it as far out of my mind as I could before shooting a glance to my right, my gaze landing on the muffin batter and the rest of the mess Bella created in my small kitchen before traveling back to her. Her back was still toward me, now spooning eggs from the pan.

I realized a part of me, deep down despite the certainty of my own feelings, hadn't realized _how_ easy this was going to be, much easier than it probably should have been. I guess a small part of me was figuring there would be more we'd need to work past, more topics we'd need to dodge for the sake of not disrupting this sudden and newfound peace Bella made with her future, especially less than twelve hours removed from the decision.

But the more I watched her, the more it made sense. I could tell in her movements, I could tell in the way she was carrying herself as she went about tasks she normally used as distractions.

And as Bella turned slightly, smiling shyly when she saw me watching her, I could see the same lightness in her expression I felt in mine earlier.

This wasn't a distraction. This was _Bella's_ version of unstoppable – no longer stuck inside her pain, throwing herself into taking care of everyone else, and grateful and content for the chance to do it.

"Any last requests?" Bella spoke up, plucking the two pieces of toast from the toaster, effectively breaking me from the trance I was in. She snuck a glance over her shoulder before reaching for the butter knife and popping the lid off the butter container.

"Just one more thing…" I spoke up finally, another rogue thought popping into my head as I pushed myself off the counter, deciding to grab on to this momentum – this ease – I felt. I took a step forward and peered into the last remaining pan on the stove, eyeing the strips of bacon before plucking one out and bringing it to my mouth, wagging my eyebrows at Bella as she watched me curiously from her spot a few inches away. "How about we actually go on a date?" I asked, the question muffled as I chewed thoughtfully on the bacon.

Bella stopped mid-stroke, the butter-wielding knife still poised over the piece of toast as her mouth opened slightly. "Like, a real date?"

I shrugged, trying to come off as casual as possible. "Well, this?" I motioned to the breakfast spread we still had yet to consume. "The way I see it, this doesn't technically qualify as a date because you cooked it. How about a real date where someone does the cooking _for_ us and, you know, actually brings it to the table so we don't have to?"

The scrape of the knife was the only sound I could hear as Bella made the final pass over the slice of toast. Laying it on the plate, she turned to face me, wiping her hands on her apron. I bit my bottom lip as I watched her hesitate for a split second, almost like she would actually turn me down.

Finally, Bella's own shy grin erupted across her features. "I'd like that."

But no sooner had the words left her mouth, before I could even offer a suggestion, an unnecessarily loud knock sounded from the front door, causing both our heads to swivel toward the source of it.

Shooting a glance at Bella, whose eyes were wide and startled from the force of the unexpected noise, I frowned toward the front of the house, reaching up and placing a hand on Bella's back before I focused on the cues I could pick up – or mostly the sounds of the awkward shuffling coming from the other side of the door.

I already had a good feeling who was on the other side.

With a sigh, I looked at Bella one more time. "We're gonna have to face them sooner or later."

She managed a soft smile, bringing a trembling hand up to push her hair back from her eyes. "I know, but I was kinda hoping for a little longer." She peered over her shoulder toward the door. "Thought maybe we could enjoy this for a little bit before having to explain it to everyone."

Watching Bella as she turned back, picking up the second piece of toast, I leaned over and left a gentle kiss on the side of her head, her honey-sweet scent sending a wave of calm through me as I did. "I know, Bells – me, too. It'll be okay, though," I continued, the words muffled as I spoke them against her hair. "I'll take care of this one."

Chuckling, Bella nodded as she dipped the butter knife back into the container. "K. Let me know if you need help." Turning her head slightly, I didn't miss the subtle wink she shot in my direction.

Walking to the door, the stupid smile back on my face, I took a deep breath before I reached it, turning the knob and swinging the door open.

Sure enough, my suspicions were confirmed when I saw an awkward and nervous Quil shifting his weight from one foot to the other a few feet from the door, his eyes trained on the porch and his hands shoved haphazardly in his pockets.

"What the hell, man?" I greeted him, trying to sound as friendly and nonchalant as possible, the long moment of silence that hung between us shattering as I finally decided to break it. "Since when do you knock?"

Quil's gaze lifted from the porch and while it still didn't meet mine, he looked at something beyond the edge of the house while he chewed on the inside of his cheek. His expression was stoic and unfazed by my attempt to diffuse the questions I knew would be coming.

"Since I come over before patrol and find a someone's blue Mustang sitting in your driveway," he muttered. "Didn't want to interrupt anything or crash a party I wasn't invited to." His voice wavered a bit when he spoke the word 'interrupt', like there was a hidden implication behind it he really wanted me to pick up on.

"We're just making breakfast, man – you're not interrupting anything," I replied casually, eyeing Quil as the discomfort rolled off him in waves.

"You know we have to patrol in like an hour, right?" Quil was fidgeting now, grinding the toe of his shoe into the porch floorboards.

I took a deep breath. _Patience_ , I reminded myself. And I knew better than anyone that an extra amount of patience was often needed when it came to Quil Ateara.

"Thanks for the reminder, dude," I countered, my voice edged with an annoyance I hadn't intended but couldn't avoid. "Lucky for you, I can still tell time."

Quil's face wrinkled, but he still managed a smirk through the frustrated look. "Well, glad you see you haven't lost _all_ your common sense."

This time I had to fight the sudden urge to see if my right hook still made as big of an impact on his jaw as it did the last time.

Regardless, I did what I could to bite back the irritated twist in my stomach and in one swift movement, I stepped out on the porch and closed the door behind me. Once I heard it click shut, I focused my glare on Quil, deciding I had to take a more straightforward route nonetheless. "What the hell is your problem, man?"

"Nothing."

I sighed, not sure if Quil was actually trying to be petulant or his words were just coming out wrong and he seriously wanted me to drop it. I was betting on the former, though.

So I laughed at him, leaning against the door and crossing my arms in front of me as I did. Quil really wasn't that hard of a nut to crack. "Are you sure? Because you kinda look like you're gonna cry. Come to think of it, I haven't seen a look on your face like that since your mom took away your laptop in seventh grade so you'd stop trying to look up porn on it."

"Fuck you, man."

"Am I close?"

Quil made a grunting noise in his throat.

"Then what is your problem?" I goaded him.

It was Quil's turn to pull his own arms across his chest, his fingers curling around his biceps as he did. It took him several moments before he was able to tear his gaze from the side of the house next to my head and actually look at me, and only a second for me to see the seriousness consume them.

"What the hell are you doing, dude?" Quil opened his mouth finally, letting the words spill out in hurried rush.

"Trying to get you to fucking tell me what your problem is," I retorted pointedly, gaping at my best friend. "What's it look like?"

"Well, no shit," Quil spat out, rolling his eyes at my curtness. "I don't mean right this second – I mean what the hell are you _doing_? Are you and Bella together now or what?"

Now we were getting somewhere.

After a few moments, as Quil focused his impatient stare on me, I sighed and nodded.

I didn't miss the frustration in the scoff Quil released, jerking his head toward the opposite end of the porch. "You know, I had a feeling something was going on. I'm really not as dumb as everyone seems to think – or as _you_ seem to think. I sure as hell didn't miss _everything_. Just trying to decide if it was before or after you broke my fucking jaw that I figured out something was really up." His breath left him an aggravated huff.

"Yeah," I muttered, unable to come up with anything better. "Sorry about that, man."

"Whatever – don't apologize. It doesn't fucking matter. I suppose I'd do it again if I had to, but I _knew_ something was wrong with you. I guess I just didn't put two and two together. I didn't realize how serious this shit was – at least not until the other night…" Quil's words drifted off as he clearly thought back to Bella's birthday party at Sam and Emily's, snapping himself out of it as he shook his head roughly.

"So what the hell is this about then? What's the _problem_ , Quil?" I countered, raising my eyebrows. "Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you. Is that what you're pissed about it?"

Quil just kept shaking his head.

"Then what?"

It was Quil's turn to sigh. "It's Bella."

My stomach knotted when her name fell from his mouth, and I suddenly realized there was a hundred different directions this conversation could be headed. While I didn't necessarily blame him for having mixed feelings toward the idea of Bella and I together – it was new, unexpected, and something _we'd_ barely had a chance to come to grips with let alone everyone else – but I definitely wasn't going to have him thinking Bella had done something that deserved his attitude.

"Bella hasn't done anything, Quil, so don't be pissed at her…"

Quil reached up to scratch the back of his head. "Dude, I'm _trying_. You know I love Bella – she's like a sister to me, and I'd pretty much do anything for her, but this?" Quil's eyes widened as he played over what he was about to say in his head. "It's just, I guess – do you really think this is a good idea?"

I frowned, my eyebrows lowering as I gaped at Quil. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Quil sighed, almost like I should have already known the answer to his question.

And a part of me did, his next words only confirming what I'd already thought several times before but hadn't truly considered since two nights earlier, a possibility that prompted me to tell Bella everything in the first place.

A possibility that hadn't crossed my mind since Bella showed up on my doorstep the night before.

A possibility that didn't make me feel so unstoppable after all.

"Dude – what if Jake comes home?"

Closing my eyes for just a brief moment to concentrate, I allowed the quick wave of fear and protective anxiety to pass through me before I opened them once again. Quil was watching me, a knowing and worried look on his face. He wasn't angry, but I could see what he was trying to convey in the now-sincere expression plastered across his face.

"So what if he does?" I finally sputtered out through my teeth.

Quil looked forlorn, almost like I'd just punched him in the stomach and ripped out all hope he still held in the process. It grated at me, the fear turning to anger to see Quil still hanging on despite everything – to see him still wishing for Jake to waltz back into the picture, to show up like nothing happened and like his actions didn't have consequences.

The sudden anger I felt toward my once-best friend threw me. The anger had always been there, but I found my arms tightening across my body as the threat of him returning caused something to erupt deep inside me. I could feel a growl working its way up my throat, begging to be set free at the thought of losing this peace and at the possibility of this part of me being ripped away when I just got it back.

But mostly, I bristled at the thought of something – or someone – taking Bella from me before I'd barely had a chance to call her my own.

"Really?" Quil asked in disbelief. "You really think everything will be fine if he comes home? That Bella'll just shrug it off like it's no big fucking deal? Everything's all fine and dandy now, which I'm glad for you, bro – I really am. I want you and Bella to be happy, but…I saw how you were before, and when I found out she was the reason behind it, I was pissed."

"Don't be pissed at her," I repeated, robotically and almost inaudibly as I struggled to reign in the anger caused by the mere prospect of loss.

"I told you, man, I don't want to be – and I guess I'm not pissed so much as I am nervous about the whole thing, the whole idea of you and her," he continued, emphasizing the two words with a raise of his voice and eyebrows. "Because you got it _bad_ , dude, and I can already tell, which is why shit got to you so bad before." He took a deep breath and shoved his hands in his pockets again, peering past me through the living room window, almost like he was trying to ensure Bella wasn't listening in on the conversation.

"Again, Quil – what is your point?" I asked, knowing full well what his point was and trying to will myself to be receptive to it.

I don't really know," Quil admitted hurriedly. "I guess I just hate to see Bella signing up for something she's not ready for." The petulance was all but gone from his voice now. "And it bugs me because it might not work out the way you want it to, man."

"She's ready," I replied, knowing that much was true and undeniable. "She's ready for this." I sucked in a couple deep breaths, squelching the anger little by little, grasping on to the confidence, grasping on to the look in Bella's eyes as she stood in the kitchen, and holding on to the certainty in her expression, her movements and the way I could already see her becoming mine.

The way she had been since the day Jake left, even if neither of us knew it at the time.

I'd seen the steps Bella had taken, the huge strides she'd made in putting the past behind her, and her strengthened ability to focus on the things she had to be grateful for.

I'd seen it, but Quil hadn't. He just needed to see it.

And I needed time to show him.

Quil's eyebrows rose. "Sure – _now_. But that's why I'm nervous, dude. She's ready _now_ , but Jake could come home any day. What then?"

"Keep hoping, Quil," I murmured, taking a deep breath. "But he's not coming home to the same place he left. He's not coming home to the same _people_ he left." I looked up at Quil, not missing his wince when he registered my expression. "Might do you some good to realize that, too."

Quil's eyes fell to the porch and he nodded, silently conceding my point. "Touché, man. But I'm not picking sides. When he comes back? I'm not picking sides."

 _When_.

Not if.

"No one's asking you to pick sides," I whispered flatly. "I'm just asking you to look around, is all. Pay attention. Things aren't the same, Quil."

Quil was still nodding, his feet shuffling before he picked one up, backing toward the porch steps. "Will do, man. You're my family – you know that, and I'm just looking out for ya. But so's Jake. Something like this – like you and Bella? I want you to be happy and all, but this kinda shit could tear a pack apart."

It was my turn to nod. "Thanks for reminding me – but it's not gonna change anything. This _shit_ , as you like to call it, isn't going away."

Quil allowed himself another moment to take in the somber look on my face before he slipped effortlessly and without fail back into the Quil I was used to, flashing me an overdone grin and ignoring the troubled glare I gave him as each one of his words sunk in.

"So, meet you at the treaty line in an hour?"

I swallowed thickly, still trying to calm the simmering within me. "Yeah – see you there."

Quil chuckled as he jumped down the porch stairs and started toward the tree line. "Look on the bright side, dude. At least you can ease up on the mind block when you patrol now. Maybe it'll help you relax a little, that way you can stop beating up on me."

I chuckled in spite of myself, but it wasn't genuine in the least. "Thanks. I'll keep that in mind."

Quil's footsteps suddenly fell silent and he heard his sigh even from several feet away. "Em, man – don't worry, okay? Right now, I got your back. Both your backs – you and Bella. Always will."

My shoulders heaving as I took another deep breath, I let a small smile pull on the corner of my mouth as I nodded at Quil. "Thanks, man."

"No problem — tell Bella I said hey." With that, Quil turned and jogged toward the tree line.

I sighed for about the seventeenth time since Quil knocked on the door, letting my head slump against the door.

_One down, only a few more to go._

This wasn't going to easy – not by a long shot, but I was willing to do it. I was willing to put up with all the warnings, all the concerns, all the skepticism because to me, the person I could still hear moving around in my kitchen was worth it. She was worth every last bit of effort.

And if Quil's reaction was any indication, Bella and I were going to have our work cut out for us.


	23. Take Care

_**Suggested Listening: "Parachute" by Ingrid Michaelson, "Mexico" by The Staves, "Let It Go" by Fossil Collective, "Notes in Constellations" by Chiodos, "I Would Trade" by Clarensau  
** _

**Bella POV**

"BELLA! Do you remember what I did with that box of Swiss army knives? I swear they were right here, and now? They just vanished."

I rolled my eyes begrudgingly, making sure the only thing in the store that saw me do it was the racks of thermal gloves in front of me. Stooping to grab another handful from the box at my feet, I peered over at Mike, who stood near the end cap at the end of the aisle, forlornly making a circular sweep with his eyes of the area surrounding his feet. There were no full boxes there, so I wasn't really sure what he was looking for. Reaching up with one hand, he scratched the back of his dirty blonde hair dumbly as his mouth fell open slightly. "I swear to God, they were _right here_."

I sighed, instinctively looking at the clock above the door before glancing back in his direction, my fingers still curled around the handful of thermal gloves. _Only ten more minutes and I was off._

"Are you sure you brought it out with you? I only saw you bring out two boxes of flint kits and you put those away already."

Hand still scrubbing through the hair on the back of his head, Mike's eyebrows furrowed and his lips pursed in contemplation. Finally, he nodded. "Yeah – yeah, I think you're right." His head still bobbing like an idiot, Mike took a couple steps back from the end cap before turning to head toward the storeroom behind the front counter.

Watching him go, I sighed again before turning back to my task. I was entirely too eager for this day to end, even though the minutes seemed content to creep by at a snail's infinitely slow pace. I'd lost count of the number of times I'd looked at the clock to find only ten minutes had passed, despite the fact it felt closer to an hour.

Work was never a burden for me. It was never something I desperately wanted away from, but tonight was different. Tonight I had something bigger to look forward to, something new and exciting, both commanding and dividing my attention.

Tonight was date night.

I reached up automatically, ghosting the back of my hand across my lips, almost like I could rub the ridiculous grin off my mouth if I tried hard enough. No luck. _Never_ any luck. It hung around a lot lately, and I didn't mind so much. For the first time in a long time, my smile wasn't forced. It wasn't a mask I used to hide another less welcome emotion and it wasn't a rarity I saved for special occasions.

No, this smile was easy. This smile was genuine. I'd carefully and meticulously tucked away each bit of residual grief and the last traces of a past I struggled to let go of in order for this smile to exist.

And I had yet to look back. I didn't need to, because now I had so much waiting right in front of me.

On that morning nearly a week ago, I woke up in Embry's bed, a thin sheen of sweat covering my body as I realized how closely I was curled into Embry's side. His bare skin blazed against mine as he snored softly, his arm draped across the pillow under my head.

Instead of getting up right away, I'd maneuvered myself around carefully and silently so I was facing him. For a moment, I lay frozen, holding my breath as I watched Embry sleep. He looked so young, so peaceful. My heart warmed when I realized it was a part of him I'd not seen in so long. It was a part of him I missed despite never taking time to notice before. The features of his face were soft and vulnerable and in this moment I was certain nothing could threaten the peacefulness he exuded.

So naturally, as I took it all in, I allowed myself a brief moment to second guess myself. I let myself believe for a split second there was a possibility I wouldn't be what he needed, that maybe I wouldn't be enough to keep this part of him around. They weren't warranted and bordered on ridiculous, but after everything Embry so selflessly gave me, a part of me felt I'd never possibly be able to return it.

So instead of keeping an even pace, I stumbled and let my body get ahead of my feet as I gracelessly sprinted from the starting line.

But luckily he was right there behind me, right where he always was, just in time to yank me back and set me back on both feet telling me to take a deep breath and start over.

So there were no more insane breakfasts cooked and no more over-the-top acts trying to prove my sincerity because they weren't necessary. While I knew he appreciated the gesture, he didn't want bravado. He didn't want anything extra or different, and honestly, neither did I. He wanted things the way they always were between us, when walls were dropped and complications were obscured in the moment. He wanted unpretentious, ardent and effortless.

He simply wanted _me_.

And I wanted him, pure and wholly. Passionately and without hesitation.

Plain and simple.

It was emboldening at the very least and only justified and fueled my decision to let go. I could feel pieces of myself falling back into place. Only now they were renewed and strengthened, scuffed but polished as well as they could be. Anyone who passed by needed to look hard to see the blemishes.

As each day came and went, with each additional moment I spent with Embry as September drew to a close, we fell back into the flow of the lives we had before they were interrupted by loss, duty and a false, unwarranted sense of loyalty. Those lives were the same but different, each with a new purpose as we both carved two new paths. We were side by side now, two halves working together to eventually become an entirely new and complete whole.

I barely heard the bell above the door ring as I let the grin subside to a content smile, pushing back the row of gloves to make room for the last two pairs in my hands. I could still hear Mike rooting around in the storeroom and just as I turned to look, a blazing hot darkness obscured my vision, eliciting an unexpected shriek from my throat.

"Do you really have to even guess who?"

Sighing, I let my mouth close with a snap, the grin once again pulling at the corners of my mouth. Letting the gloves fall to the floor and ignoring the shiver lacing up my spine caused by his hot breath on the back of my neck, I reached up until I felt the pair of hands clamped over my eyes. "Not really, but if your mission was to scare the crap out of me, you succeeded," I scolded impishly.

"Daydreaming? I thought for sure the bell woulda gave me away."

With a humph, I let my arms fall into a cross over my chest. "So what if I was?"

The breath was closer to my ear now. "What were you daydreaming about?"

"Kittens – lots of kittens," I retorted flatly, just to mess with him. "The cute, fluffy kind. And thinking about the fact the Mustang needs an oil change. And how I wish they had a pair of these gloves in slate grey instead of heather gray."

His chuckle spread through my veins like sweet syrup, collecting in my stomach in a fluttering knot. This time when he spoke, I could detect the faint brush of his lips on the skin just behind my ear and I shuddered in spite of myself. "Hey…" I choked out, swallowing thickly as I once again reached up, grasping futilely at his fingers like I thought I had a chance of prying them away.

"Well, I can take care of the oil change and maybe even the kittens, but you better put the gloves on your Christmas list…" My breath hitched when I felt him press his lips to the spot once more, shivering as his nose brushed through the strands of my hair just above it. "Missed you, Bells."

"I, um…I…" _What the hell was I saying?_

It didn't matter because a gruff throat clearing had the blinders slowly and casually removed from my eyes before I still could even register what was happening. My eyes were gaping, blinking rapidly, as I tried to force them back into focus due to the onslaught of light. Finally, moments later, and only when I could eventually make out the distinct colors of the gloves in front of me, did I turn my head toward the offending noise.

Mike was standing at the edge of the front counter, peering around the stupid box of Swiss army knives in his arms along with a few others he'd picked up during his trip, and a constipated, annoyed look on his face – a look that melted into a grimace when he registered the glowering expression on mine. As I turned my body, I was finally able to see Embry backed against the far shelf, one elbow propped lazily on it as he picked at a fingernail, a knowing smirk plastered on his lips even as he kept his eyes trained on the ground, trying to keep from laughing.

A sudden chuckle escaped my throat before the back of my hand jerked to my mouth to cover it, my eyes flitting between Embry and Mike, who was obviously perturbed by what he'd just witnessed. Grunting, Mike readjusted the boxes in his arms for better traction, still watching me with his mouth half open.

Clearing my own throat, I let my hand drop. "Did you find the knives?" I squeaked.

Mike looked at the boxes, swaying a little under the weight of them as he did. "Yeah. You mind giving me a hand with these, if you're not too busy giving the customers outstanding service and all?"

I could feel my cheeks warm in automatic response before I nodded, but Embry beat me to it.

"Here, man – let me help you out." In a flash, Embry trotted over to Mike, his arms outstretched impatiently to relieve him. Mike eyed him warily as he approached, almost like Embry just insulted him. _This was going nowhere good_ …

"No, dude, it's okay. No, really, I don't need help — I got this. I…"

Embry didn't heed a word of it before he scooped the burdensome boxes from Mike's arms in one lithe movement. "Where do you want 'em?"

"Um..." Mike stammered, both hands on his hips now as he frowned at Embry's retreating back. "Um, over there – the top two at the end of the aisle, the bottom one here." He jabbed a finger at the end cap he'd been working at earlier.

"Got it," Embry acknowledged as he started down the next aisle, shooting me a cocky wink as he passed.

I rolled my eyes lightly in response, the smile still playing at my lips and amused by the overwhelming display of macho going on in front of me. Shaking my head one last time, I pulled my lower lip between my teeth as I cast a glance at the clock. 5 p.m.

 _Finally_.

Shrugging one arm out of my vest, I walked toward Mike. He was still watching Embry skeptically, who was now at the far end of the store. "You got this?"

"Huh, what?" Mike snapped out of his trance before looking at the clock himself. "Oh, yeah – we're good." He barely allowed me to get the last arm out before his stare was bearing down on me. "Who's that, Bella?"

Laying my vest on the front counter, I shot him a blank look as I straightened my t-shirt and reached up to make sure my pendant was resting correctly on my collarbone. "That's Embry."

Mike huffed a little, his features curling in on the rest of his face in contemplation. "Jesus! What the hell do they feed those guys down at the Reservation?"

A slightly nervous laugh escaped my mouth as I reached under the front counter to grab my flannel overshirt from its resting spot. "Honestly, I think it's something in the water."

"Apparently," Mike deadpanned. "So are you two, like, dating – or something?"

Taking a deep breath as I slid my arms into my shirt, I watched Embry, who was now traveling back up the aisle with the last box, his lips pursed like he was actually concentrating and not paying any attention to the conversation Mike and I were having.

Smiling, I nodded, even though Mike couldn't see me. "Yeah, we're dating."

"So, he's your boyfriend then? Or is it just a casual thing?"

I let out a heavy sigh. "It's not a casual thing, Mike."

"So, he's your boyfriend?"

Another agitated sigh. "Sure, Mike – not that it's any of your business," I reminded him pointedly as I felt the back pocket of my jeans to make sure my cell phone was still in it. It was.

"Hey, just curious," Mike pressed on defensively. "Figured you'd maybe shy away from these guys after the last time…"

Slapping both of my hands down with unnecessary force on the front counter in both frustration and warning, Mike jumped, shooting a skittish glance at me as his words fell short. His eyes still wide, he turned back. "None of my business. Got it."

"Good."

By now, Embry approached the front counter, running one hand through his shaggy strands of hair as his gaze bounced between the two of us. "What are you guys talking about?"

"Meh, not much – Bella said it's supposed to rain tonight."

Embry nodded, his brow furrowing in feigned interest. "Yeah, I heard that happens around here from time to time."

When I heard Mike huff, I took that as my cue to intervene. "Okay, we're going!" I glared at Embry as I jerked my head toward the store entrance. "See you on Sunday, Mike?"

Mike's perpetual frown only deepened when Embry gave him a saccharine grin and a theatrical wave with the hand that wasn't shoved in his pocket. Biting my lip again to keep from laughing, I looped my arm through the one Embry wasn't using to wave with when I met him at the end of the counter, still watching Mike as I did.

"Yeah, Sunday. Sounds good, Bella."

The cool, damp Forks air was refreshing as it hit me, Embry following me outside after holding the door open for me. As soon as the door closed behind him, I shot him an admonishing look. His eyes automatically widened, but I could see the mischievous sparkle in them.

"You about done?" I exclaimed, my voice laced with an unmistakable lightness.

"Doing what?"

"Getting into cock-measuring fights with my male coworkers?" I responded, still biting my lip to keep a laugh from coming out without permission.

Embry's face scrunched up. "Not all – just one. Come on, Bells – I'm surprised that kid can keep it in his pants where you're there. You should smell him around you. It's kind of sad actually…" Embry's voice drifted off until he shot me a confused yet tickled glare. "And since when do you say _cock_?"

A snort slid through my stifled giggles. "Since you started pissing on my leg like a dog."

"I kinda am one, Bells, last time I checked."

"Don't mean you gotta act like one."

"There was no pissing. Just a friendly reminder to good old Mike Newton that this girl runs with wolves, not golden retrievers."

This time the laugh escaped and I let it echo through the parking lot for a split second before I sent a disconcerted look over my shoulder toward Embry, our footsteps crunching noisily on the gravel scattered across the concrete lot. He was biting on his own lip now as the grin threatened to spill right off his face.

"You're pretty pleased with yourself right now, huh?"

"About as much as you," Embry murmured, shoving both hands in his pockets as he looked beyond me into the trees.

By now, we'd reached the Mustang at the far edge of the parking lot. Rounding the trunk to the driver's side, I placed one hand on the roof and glanced at Embry, who was still grinning like a smug, yet incredibly happy idiot. It was the smile that tugged at my nerves, the one capable of igniting them like thousands of live wires crisscrossing their way through my skin. Every inch of me warmed as I watched it, studying his lips and wondering how it was possible I'd never savored it before as much as I did now.

"You sound so sure of yourself," I quipped, cocking an eyebrow in Embry's direction.

"I am." He clapped his hands down on the roof, his own eyebrow mirroring mine.

"And why's that?"

The grin dissolved into a proud yet shy smirk. "Cuz you told him I was your boyfriend," he teased, dragging out the last word as he pushed off the car before turning and trotting around it to my side.

Beaming on the inside, I turned to greet him, leaning my back against the car as he came to a stop directly in front of me. "Yeah, yeah," I replied quietly, my eyes cast downward, studying his worn shoes as I did. "But only because man friend sounds even worse than lady friend!" I spilled out, my head snapping up to meet his affectionate stare.

Leaning forward, Embry outstretched both arms, one on either side of me, effectively trapping me where I stood. I didn't mind so much, though, welcoming the heat emitted from his body as he drew it closer to me.

"Just admit it, Bells."

I swallowed, keeping my arms curled in front of me while I chewed on the inside of my lip. "Admit what?"

"You kinda like having me around to show off."

Letting loose a jovial eye-roll and languid sigh, causing a renewed smile to creep across Embry's lips, I allowed my head to move in a barely discernible nod. "Just a little bit," I whispered as I peered up at him.

I heard a chuckle deep in Embry's throat as he leaned closer, my eyes never leaving his even as his face approached mine, so close now I could feel his breath fan out across my lips, warming them almost instantaneously. I waited, impatiently and arduously for him to close the gap between us, but he didn't. So it wasn't long before I found myself leaning toward him, my eyelids fluttering closed on their own accord, as I felt one of his arms fall to my hip, where his fingers played with the denim resting over it.

I finally got what I wanted when I felt his lips brush over mine, his mouth pressing back with such a frustrating gentleness I had to push down the overwhelming urge to draw the fight out of him. I wanted to awaken the need, the passion, the intensity I knew was just below the surface.

All too soon, he pulled away, eliciting a frustrated groan from my mouth before I could stop it. When my eyes finally opened, Embry had his lower lip tucked between his teeth in satisfaction, raising his eyebrow as he suddenly reached up, dangling my car keys in front of my face with a triumphant grin.

"I'm driving."

Allowing him to plant both hands on my shoulders and gently shift me one foot to my left so he could access the driver's side door, I groaned again, louder this time. "Embry Call!" I scolded him, resisting the urge to stamp my foot before a laugh finally escaped my lips.

"Bella Swan," he mocked, flashing me one last proud grin as he swung open the door. "You wanted a date night, and it wouldn't be a date if you drove." He shifted his eyes toward the passenger side. "Now get in the damn car before I stick you in the trunk." With a wink, he spun around and lowered himself into the driver's seat, leaving me glaring at him bewilderedly.

"I wasn't angry about the driving," I mumbled to myself as I turned to walk to the other side of the car, trying my best to ignore the amused chortles coming from inside it.

* * *

I couldn't help but grin as I stepped out of the passenger side of the Mustang, the pungent aroma of fry oil already wafting from every crack and open space of La Push's Rec Center.

"Did you bring a change of clothes?" Embry asked curiously as he too slid out from behind the wheel, pocketing my keys as he eyed me questioningly from across the car's roof.

I chewed on the corner of my mouth and nodded. "Yeah, in my backpack in the back seat."

"Good," Embry continued with a wag of his eyebrows, shutting the door behind him, "because you're gonna smell like a straight-up French fry when you get done here."

Closing my own door, trying to reign in the amused and slightly shocked expression on my face, I leaned my shoulder against the car. "So this is where we're having our first real date?"

Embry was now walking around the front of the car, tossing the keys from hand to hand as he did. "It's the monthly rez fish fry, Bells! Harry Clearwater's recipe, and it's the only time Sue doesn't complain about having to make it for the entire pack because she actually has help for this one." The smile on his face was infectious as he approached me, offering my keys to me on one finger, which I gingerly accepted.

"Plus, we used to come to these a lot before Harry died and before we all decided to start changing into big, furry dogs. It was kind of a tradition, you know, back when life wasn't so damn complicated." The smile fell a little as he continued, but his gaze was intense and filled with hope – hope that his idea wasn't a bust – as he watched me. "The others will be here too because it's really an "entire tribe" kind of thing, and I wanted you to be here with me."

I smiled as my eyes fell, automatically seeking out his hand as my own outstretched to find it, our fingers interlacing before I looked back up at him. Raising on to my tiptoes and using my free hand to grip his t-shirt, I pulled him down to me, my lips meeting his in a warm, gentle kiss. I lingered for moment, relishing the feel of his smile against my mouth, kissing him once more before I released him.

"It's a perfect date, Em," I whispered. "Seriously."

As Embry straightened up, his hand still holding mine as he tugged me toward the main entrance to the Rec Center, I watched him affectionately as he laughed. "You say that now," he murmured, "but wait until you see my table manners when it comes to this fish fry."

The Rec Center was already packed with people, all scattered around various tables, some with mismatching chairs no one seemed to notice as they indulged in separate conversations and heaping plates of fried fish. I felt oddly out of place when we walked into the main hall and Embry stopped to pay for our tickets, but it quickly passed when those who walked by only bothered giving me one glance, a smile and a welcome nod as they did. I realized quickly many probably already knew who I was from the time I spent with Jacob, although we'd never done this, as well as Charlie's close friendships with both Billy and Harry Clearwater.

"Ready?"

I looked up to see Embry beaming down at me expectantly, motioning his head toward the serving line set up just outside the Rec Center's kitchen. Smiling back at him, I nodded as Embry absentmindedly placed a hand on the small of my back and gracefully steered me toward the line.

Only moments after we'd both grabbed our plates, mine was piled high with pieces of heavily battered, steaming fish by a flustered, hurried-looking woman wearing an apron, who was only able to offer me a nod as she dropped the last piece on my plate. Gazing at it, I realized there was very little room for anything else. In turn, I glanced at Embry and already found him eyeing me keenly, a content look on his face. "Just fish?" I asked curiously.

Embry scoffed. "Just fish? What else do you _need_ , Bella?" he teased.

"Oh, sweetie, trust me – that'll be enough to fill you up, if you can even make it through the first plate."

Jerking my head back to eye-level, I found an equally flustered Sue Clearwater wielding a metal pan and a pair of tongs to be the source of the voice as she hurriedly and methodically transferred the latest batch of fish to the serving line. She gave me a bright, wide smile despite her put-off appearance. "How are you, Bella?"

Her smile elicited one of my own as I nodded in her direction. "I'm doing good, Sue – really good, thanks."

I didn't miss her eyes flit briefly to Embry standing next to me before falling back to me, her smile never faltering. "That's good to hear, sweetie." Then, she held up the tongs still clasping a piece of fish. "Sure you don't want another?"

I held out one hand and shook my head, still feeling Embry's fingers playing with the fabric of my shirt at my back. "Oh, no! I've got plenty. Thank you." This time she turned toward Embry, raising a suspect eyebrow in his direction as he sheepishly held his plate out. She smirked knowingly and placed it on top of his already massive pile.

"Enjoy, Bella – I gotta get back to the kitchen," Sue murmured hurriedly, propping the pan against her hip and letting the tongs fall into it with a clatter. "Leah and Seth are over at the far table in the corner, if you two are looking for someone to sit with." She nodded at me one last time before starting back toward the kitchen. "Glad you're here, Bella!"

Aware of the welcoming warmth spreading through my stomach, Embry and I weaved our way through the tables until we spotted the one Sue pointed out housing only Seth and Leah. Both were both already half-done with their plates and arguing over who was going to stay and help Sue clean up when the fish fry was over.

"Nice try, squirt, but you know I stayed and helped Mom with the fucking mess last month."

"Lee, stop _calling_ me that! And I gotta go to Sam's tonight to talk to him about cutting back my patrols since school started. You know that!" Seth was trying to keep his voice from escalating to a whine.

"It's called multitasking, squirt. Get good at it."

Seth let out a frustrated groan as we finally reached the table. Leah raised her eyebrows as she slowly pulled the fork from her mouth, releasing it with a pop of her lips. "Well, look what the wolf dragged in."

I pulled out the chair next to Leah and slid into it, offering her a friendly smile as Seth shifted awkwardly in his seat. It didn't go unnoticed by me, nor did it surprise me.

At this point, every pack member knew about Embry and me, and they knew it was more than the night through which they'd originally found out by accident. Quil was the first one to officially approach one of us and while Embry merely gave me the reduced version of their conversation, I wasn't stupid and had a pretty good guess what Quil said to him.

So to avoid any more ambushes in the form of his pack mates, we went to Emily and Sam's for dinner the night following Quil's visit, spending most of the meal managing to avoid the leery, inquisitive looks from everyone except Leah and Quil, looks silently demanding solid explanations for the night of my birthday. I didn't explain though and instead let Embry slip the fact we were now "together" into conversation just between the last bowls of chili and the serving of Emily's raspberry cheesecake.

Only Seth and Paul managed to choke on their chili.

My awareness of one fact in particular heightened following Quil's visit and dinner that night, a fact Embry already wrestled with before we both made our choices but an association he managed to dispel and move past. But everyone else hadn't been afforded the luxury of time, at least not publicly, nor were they allowed the opportunity to swallow this new development Embry and I spent months embracing ourselves.

And because of that, they still saw me as one thing. They didn't see me as Bella.

To them, I was still _Jake's girl_.

I knew they loved me and I knew they considered me a part of the family, but I also wasn't disillusioned enough to think Jacob wasn't the primary reason I'd been allowed into the family in the first place, both before and after his disappearance. Jacob had always been the link connecting me to La Push and to the pack. It was the only explanation I could think of for their reactions, for their hesitance to accept Embry and I for what we were at face value.

It wasn't something they were used to.

That, and there was the fact many of them still thought that link existed and was not completely severed. With Jacob's whereabouts still a mystery and despite him doing what he could to cut ties when he left, it was easy to see why many of them thought that link might _never_ be dissolved. Not until they received the closure I'd resigned we'd probably never get.

It was closure I felt we weren't going to get at this point – it'd been too long. Surely Jacob had found another life somewhere else and learned how to live in a world without the reminders of a blood family he no longer had and without the weight of responsibility or duty bearing down on him.

I wished him well, as much as I could. I'd learned to live without him and made my peace, even if the others weren't quite at that point.

But it was because they weren't there – because there was still hope within them – that it was easy to see the apprehension when they cast anxious eyes on Embry and me. It wasn't because they disapproved, it was because they thought the same thing Quil voiced and feared the aftermath. The inevitable damage should Jacob decide to return one day expecting everything to be the same as when he left.

The thought was enough to send an ominous chill throughout my entire body. Even now as I let my eyes wander to the person now sitting next to me, grinning as he took a bite of fish and started in on Seth too.

I released a silent sigh as I reached for my fork. All I could do was show them I no longer belonged to Jacob through words and by actions. I belonged only to myself and right now, _Embry_ was the person I was choosing to share myself with.

"Well, it's good to see you two come out of your little romance bubble for two seconds to come up for air," Leah was going on as I focused back on the conversation at the table. "Sometimes you gotta just push them off, Swan – tell them to give your lady parts a break."

Embry sputtered beside me mid-drink of water and I blushed furiously as Leah smirked, popping another bite of fish in her mouth. Seth only shifted again, clearing his throat as he concentrated way too hard on cutting his piece of fish into perfectly symmetrical pieces.

"What? I'm just saying – she's only human, Call. But bringing her right into the snake pit on a date? You're a brave man. The kids are gonna be going on about this at Council meetings for at least the next three months." Leah reached for her glass of water as her gaze shifted above my head, her eyes following something beyond the table. "Speaking of kids…"

Chewing on my first bite, I turned in my chair to see both Quil and Paul snaking their way through the tables, plates piled high and large glasses of lemonade in their opposite hands. Quil wagged his eyebrows in my direction when he saw me looking.

"Fancy seeing you in these parts, Bella Swan!" Quil exclaimed theatrically as he leaned down, relinquishing his plate in the spot next to Embry. "So what do we owe the pleasure of this visit to our monthly celebration worshipping trans fats and bad cholesterol?"

"They're on a date," Leah deadpanned, eyeing the two newcomers warily.

Quil's eyes widened and his hands froze on the chair he was preparing to pull out, while Paul let out a sarcastic chuckle behind him, popping the plastic fork from his mouth. Like always, he was about to take it too far.

"A date? And you bring her to the rez fish fry?" Paul jabbed, throwing a skeptical look at Embry as he pushed past Quil, who was stumbling gracelessly into his chair. "Classy, man. That's some grade-A game right there."

Embry glowered at him from his place next to me and I opened my mouth to retort but Leah was quicker than both of us. "Yeah, because your version of a date, which usually involves banging some random chick in the back of your mom's Impala really ranks up there as classy, Lahote," Leah snapped, shooting me a supportive glance at me out of the corner of her eye.

"Ooo, that's a good one!" Paul crooned at Leah, raising his eyebrows in mock astonishment. "Did it take you all day to come up with it?"

"Go fuck a goat, Paul – just make sure to show her a little more respect than your backseat."

"Guys!" Quil exclaimed, now completely in his seat as he picked up a piece of fish from his plate and broke it in half, plopping one section into his mouth. "Can't we just all get along?" he said through the food, swallowing thickly before hunkering down over his plate and looking at me. "Uh, we can leave if you want us to, Bells."

"No, stay," I encouraged, flashing him a smile and raising one eyebrow in his direction before turning it on Paul, who only shook his head before starting in on his own food. Below the table, I felt Embry squeeze my leg in acknowledgement.

I had no reason to hide from them or want them gone. In fact, I wanted them there to see for themselves. They needed to see it and they needed to face it, if not for mine and Embry's sake, but for their own. Maybe if they saw how we'd moved on, they could put everything behind them and accept this was the way things were now.

"Well, I gotta go anyway." Every head at the table snapped toward Seth, who was painstakingly shoving the last bits of his meal into his mouth and hurriedly scrambling to his feet. He didn't allow his gaze to linger anywhere for long, until he let his eyes catch mine for a brief moment, allowing me to see the struggle inside him.

"You could still stick around for a few minutes, Seth." Embry's voice was low and slightly pained, almost as if he knew Seth wasn't going to listen to him.

Seth managed a slight smile before glancing at his sister, who was shaking her head in annoyance. "It's okay. I really gotta get to Sam's." With a nod, Seth picked up his dinnerware and shuffled away from the table.

I was still watching Seth walk away when Leah spoke up. "Well, looks like I'm stuck helping Mom clean up. Asshole," she muttered, leaning back in her chair with a sigh. She chose that moment to look up, obviously registering the distant expression in my eyes. "I know it sucks, Swan, but just give the kid some time. Jake was like his big brother and with you two together now, it's almost like putting the last nail in the coffin, you know? It's like you're slapping him in the face with the fact the shithead's not coming back anytime soon." Leah sighed when I finally nodded, letting her gaze shift toward Quil and Paul, who were both pretending like they weren't paying any attention. "Kid needs to learn when it's time to take his heroes off a pedestal."

Leah's statement obviously wasn't intended only for her brother, and Paul glowered at her as he chewed. "Ain't got nothing to do with anyone being a hero." The words were almost lost in the din caused by the other diners in the Rec Center.

"Then what's your problem, Paul?" I ventured blankly and unexpectedly, peering up at him as I set my fork down beside my plate.

"Bella," Embry murmured from beside me. "There's no point, and he can think whatever he wants to think, so long as he knows there's a time and place for everything." His voice filled with acid as the words flowed from his mouth.

"Yeah, like now," Paul interjected, glaring at Embry before turning his withering gaze on me. "You really wanna know?"

"That's why I asked," I responded flatly, raising my eyebrows at him to show him he wasn't going to intimidate me.

"Alright, have it your way," Paul sneered, stabbing another piece of fish with his fork before pointing the utensil, food and all, in our direction. "You two are gonna fuck everything up."

I grimaced in spite of myself and my eyes instinctively fell to Embry's hand, which was trembling violently as he allowed his fingers to stretch out over the tablecloth.

"Paul…" Leah's voice was stern, a warning she probably didn't expect Paul to heed but felt the need to issue anyway.

Paul held his hand up in Leah's direction. "No, she asked, so I'm telling her," Paul snapped, reaching for his glass as he chewed. "I mean shit's been fucked up enough around here without you two adding to it. Ever since the day we phased, our lives have been nothing _but_ fucked up." This time, he turned his frustrated gaze on me. "But shit was mellowing out, the pack was getting back on track, and that's all fine and fucking dandy, but you know what? Jake's a fuck-up, too, which means the kid won't have the common sense to stay wherever the fuck it is he ran off to. You know this…" He glanced at Embry, "…and I know this."

This time he trained his intense stare on me. "And what are you gonna do when it happens?"

My mouth fell open slightly when Paul paused for my answer. I'd tried so hard to let go of what-ifs, but here was Paul, throwing them at me, one by one, faster than I could process. Swallowing thickly, I did my best to remember what exactly it was I needed to prove to him, to all of them.

"I don't know, Paul."

Paul scoffed and by this point, everyone was looking at me skeptically – even Embry – as I gave him my unexpected answer. Letting my eyes fall to my water glass, doing my best to ignore the eyes trained on me, I took a deep, ragged breath. "It's not fair to ask me that, Paul and you know it." I ground out through almost-clenched teeth. "I don't know what I'd do if he showed up tomorrow or if he showed up ten years from now, but that's the point – I _don't_ know, and neither do you."

"Bella," Embry's voice was hushed next to me. "You don't owe anyone an explanation."

"No," I corrected him, shooting him a glance at the corner of my eye, one determined enough it caused him to look away. "I do, because they need to understand." This time, I fixed my gaze back on Paul, who was now leaning back in his chair watching me stoically. "I don't know because I _don't_ – I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow or what's even going to happen an hour from now and that's the point. I'm choosing to be with Embry because he is here and he makes me happy and he's my choice and I'm his, and that much we _do_ know because we can see it. And I'm done worrying about what I can't see and what I don't know, Paul because I don't want to be the way you're being right now – angry at a ghost and frustrated with maybes."

You could almost hear the crickets when I curled my arms in front of my chest and sat back in my chair. Paul's eyes were now on his plate and he was twisting his fork around awkwardly between his fingers and beside me, Embry was biting his lower lip in an attempt to hide a smile.

But it was Quil who broke the silence, bringing up his hands and giving me a theatrical slow-cap. Looking at him, his face was teasing and amused, but I could also see something else on his face.

Understanding.

"Bravo, Bells," Quil piped up, sneaking a glance at Paul. "I think you're the first person in history to ever render Paul Lahote speechless." Suddenly, Quil jerked his head so he was looking over his shoulder to no one in particular. "Quick! Someone throw this girl a parade or mark a fucking calendar or something."

I allowed a slight smile to pull at one corner of my mouth. "Shut up, Quil."

Paul rolled his eyes and sneered at Quil, who was still chuckling. "Whatever, Swan, it's your fucking funeral. Have fun with it." With that, he pushed back his chair gruffly, grabbing his plate and knocking Quil in the back of the head on his way by him.

"Hey!" Quil whined petulantly, rubbing his hair dramatically as he glared after Paul.

"Patrol, dumb ass, let's go."

Quil sighed. "This is gonna be a fun run. I fucking hate it when he's moody." Glancing up at us as he collected his things, he gave me a slight smile. "See you guys soon."

"Later, man," Embry murmured, finally reaching for his fork and giving me a smug, proud glance out of the corner of his eye.

"I really hate Paul sometimes," I grumbled, bringing a hand to my face, falsely hoping it would ebb the furious blushing.

Leah chuckled from my other side, reminding me she was there. "That was pretty impressive, Swan. I love it when you actually step up to the plate and find your balls."

"Thanks," I muttered, feeling the adrenaline lessen with each deep breath I took. "I save them for special occasions."

"Well played," Leah replied with a chuckle and I watched her as she also stood up. "And I will take that as my cue to step out. I need a smoke, and plus – figure I'll give you two disgusting lovebirds some alone time." Snickering, she winked at me before turning to work her way through the crowd.

Sighing, I swiveled back so I was facing the table, noticing Embry watching me as I did. "What?"

He just grinned, eyes gleaming as he swallowed the bite in his mouth as he did. "You're kind of amazing, you know that?"

Chewing on the inside of my lip, I smiled as the butterflies flapped furiously in my stomach, making everything I said worth it and almost making me almost completely forget about Paul's attitude.

Almost.

"Well, I just wish everyone would have been here to hear it. I'm sick of this already."

"Don't worry," Embry reassured with a scheming hint in his tone, letting one arm fall to my thigh as he squeezed it comfortingly. "I'll make sure they see it."

* * *

After dinner, Embry and I left the car at the Rec Center and headed down to First Beach on foot, determined to spend the rest of our date night in a place with limited to no interruptions or opinions. We left our talking to a minimum too, enjoying the silence of night and finding solace in nothing but the sounds of the waves crashing against the shore and our muted footsteps in the sand.

These were the moments I loved most, both before and now, the moments away from prying eyes and judgmental tongues – the moments where there was nothing to defend and nothing to explain.

It was just us.

Which made it hard to mask the disappointment on my face, even in the dark, when Embry's head snapped toward the tree line long before I ever heard the offending noise.

"What is it?" I whispered, inwardly swearing in annoyance as I scanned the same darkness Embry was eyeing intensely.

"Someone's coming," Embry replied, his head tipping back slightly as he concentrated. "Seth."

Fighting back a disappointed groan, I squinted, trying fruitlessly to peer into the distant expanse between the trees and where we were as Embry came to a stop beside me, subsequently causing my steps to cease as well. It wasn't until they did I finally saw what Embry already noticed, Seth stumbling in an uncharacteristic half-run as he emerged from the darkness. His feet were shoeless and he was still struggling to button his shorts as he did, looking both ways to ensure there was no one else on the beach who might notice the disheveled boy emerging from the trees.

"Seth, what's going on?" There was a hint of hidden panic in Embry's words as he spoke again and it surprised me, our solitude completely gone as he picked up on something I could not, despite the fact Seth was still several feet away. Without waiting for my permission, my gaze shifted and I glanced up at Embry, who was still staring out at the younger wolf, his jaw tight and his eyes laced with a startling concern.

Seth crossed the distance between us in a few lithe steps and skidded to a stop as I let my stare fall and refocus on the boy standing in front of us. Seth's eyes were wide and his mouth open, his breaths heaving slightly although I knew the run hadn't winded him.

Something wrenched in my stomach, twisting itself into a knot. This wasn't just an unwelcome interruption.

Something was wrong.

Seth's eyes flicked to Embry's left as he straightened, bringing his hand up and scrubbing it through his hair as he let it rest on the back of his head. "You need to come, man."

Embry's body tensed beside me and I instinctively pressed myself into it a little further, trying to draw the discomfort from him, or trying to offer a bit of my own in hopes of negating what little bit of anxiety he was letting seep through his exterior.

"Come where, Seth?" Embry's voice lowered, and I felt his fingers dig into the bit of exposed flesh between my shirt and jeans.

This time, Seth looked at me. "To Sam and Emily's. You need to come – you both need to come, like, right now." Seth shot a glance over his shoulder to the tree line.

I swallowed thickly, the knot in my stomach tightening at the panic in Seth's dark eyes and the cryptic tone of his voice. But I let my mind wander, just for a moment, and as soon as I stopped and allowed myself to wonder what could be waiting for us at the house, my breath caught in my throat and my eyes closed as I fought to regain it.

Embry was speaking again as I let my eyes flutter open. "Yeah, okay," he replied tentatively as Seth watched him, the expectant look still plastered impatiently across his face. This wasn't like Seth. This impatience wasn't like Seth. "But it'll be a little bit. We walked here, kid – Bella's car's back at the Rec Center, so it's either that or walk to Sam and Emily's."

"That won't work," Seth blurted, his eyes widening yet again as he shook his head, leaning forward slightly to encourage Embry to listen to him, to convey his sincerity. "We need to go _now_ – you _and_ Bella."

There were several moments of silence between us as Seth and Embry silently communicated whatever it was needing to be said, moonlight glinting from each pair of descriptive eyes as a heavy sigh left Embry's lips, and I frowned as I watched Seth nod in agreement.

"Seth," I finally squeaked, tired of the riddles, suddenly locating my determination and my voice. "What's happening?"

My words only earned me another dual glance from Seth – first Embry, then me. I could feel my eyebrows pull low over my eyes as I stared at Seth, willing him to speak and speak frankly. This was getting ridiculous. I was through with secrets, I was through with pretending challenges didn't exist and I was through with everyone treating me like honesty would break me.

Seth blinked a few times before his breath left him in a rough exhale, his shoulders slumping as his lungs emptied their contents, almost as if he was afraid to tell me.

"Let's just go, Bella," he murmured. "There's someone here who wants to see you."

My breath caught again, a wave of heat flashing through my veins, disappearing as quickly as it came. At this point, Seth had already turned and was jogging toward the tree line. Shuddering, my mouth fell open slightly as I watched him go, before I felt Embry take a step forward beside me, his arm anxiously relinquishing his grip around my waist.

It couldn't be.

_Could it?_

I immediately and tightly crossed my arms in front of me, watching him and trying to replicate the feeling he'd taken with him as he retreated just a fraction.

"Come on, Bells. We better go see what's going on." His voice was inanimate, resigned and filled with a chilling stoicism as he too peered after Seth. Finally – _finally_ – he let his face drop, his smoky eyes catching mine as he turned his head toward me. As soon as he registered the expression on my face, the concern filling his gaze a moment earlier evaporated into a surety only he was capable of exuding. "It's probably nothing."

"It doesn't sound like nothing," I spit out, taking a step back as he reached out for my hand, allowing it to only grasp thin air. Surprised, he stole a glance back to where my hand should have been before his gaze traveled up to meet mine.

Embry's lips pressed into a thin line, the wind whipping at his hair, and I watched his shoulders rise and fall as he finally let his arm collapse at his side. "I know, but if it wasn't important, Sam wouldn't have sent Seth to find us." Watching me for a moment, he offered me his hand one more time. "Bella…"

Staring at it, I allowed a few moments to pass before something inside me pushed, something telling me that no matter what awaited us at Sam and Emily's, he'd be there, too, and whatever it was, we'd face it together.

It didn't lessen the knot in my stomach, but I let myself take a step forward, followed by another before my hand reached out, surrendering itself gently to his.

Taking a deep, calming breath, Embry led us up the beach toward the same spot Seth had emerged from the tree line. I fixed my eyes on the ground, carefully avoiding anything in my path I could see that might either trip me or cause me to face plant directly in the sand.

"So how are we getting there if he wants us there so fast?" I queried curiously, fighting back the resistance in my voice.

Embry peered at me over his shoulder, watching me carefully. "So you know how you always said you wanted to ride on the back of one of our wolves?"

My face screwed up in confusion as I tightened my grip on his hand, stepping over a fallen limb as we reached the trail at the forest's edge. "I never said that."

"No?" Embry responded much too quickly, now facing forward as what little bit of light the moon allowed us before dissipated slowly the further we trekked into the forest. "Well, it's about time you got the urge...

_Was he seriously suggesting…?_

Instinctively, I stopped in my tracks, just in time for Embry to release my hand and turn to face me. Only a couple feet separated us, but I could still barely make out his features in the small, shadowy clearing to which he'd led us. However, I knew he could see me, so I shook my head definitively in his direction.

"No. Absolutely not."

I heard Embry sigh and he took a step forward, allowing my eyes to focus more clearly on his face. It was sullen and serious, but it was also assuring and steady. "Bella, it will be fine. You will be fine."

"Embry, I am not going to…"

"If we do it this way, we'll be there in under a minute, Bells. Seriously, if there was another option I'd be the first one to throw it out there."

"Well, I'm listening," I countered morosely.

"Bella…"

"Absolutely not," I repeated, crossing my arms in front of my chest once more.

His sigh cut through the darkness surrounding us. "Do you trust me?" Embry questioned me off pointedly, and I could barely make out the obscure outline of his trademark raised eyebrow.

My mouth fell open slightly at the same time my eyebrows wrinkled in frustration. "Of course I trust you."

"So when I tell you it will be fine, what does that mean?" He pressed on quietly but firmly.

It was my turn to sigh, still unwilling to go along with his insane idea but unable to admit he was wrong. "It means I should trust it will be fine," I repeated.

Embry smiled, taking another step back, allowing the shadows to overcome a portion of his body as he slipped easily out of my sight. "So turn around – or don't – and I'll be back in a second. It's up to you."

He disappeared completely at this point, despite the fact I could still hear his footsteps moving, his body rustling the underbrush of the forest and displacing leaves and other foliage as he did. Taking a deep breath, I turned around. Even though I wasn't entirely sure I needed to, I allowed my eyelids to flutter shut, my arms falling to my side as I waited.

A moment later, even with my eyes closed, I could feel the warmth, the static rippling through the dense area of forest as the shift in the crisp night air caused goosebumps to spread willingly across my skin. I concentrated, waiting to feel his changed presence when it reappeared behind me, allowing myself to draw in a deep, resolute breath.

With still-closed eyes, I focused on the soft but distinct crunching beneath weighty footfalls as they approached me. I could make out the even, gruff push of breath as it left his body through a changed airway, and I swear I almost could distinguish the sound of the cool September breeze as it worked its way through each strand of the coarse coat I was certain now covered his altered form.

I took a deep breath, allowing my lips to part as the air worked its way in, filling my chest and flooding my body with a semblance of calm.

There was only one time I'd been so close to Embry's wolf – one time I'd seen him _as_ a wolf – in a meadow so long ago the clearest parts of the memory were nothing but a faded recollection. But it didn't matter. It didn't matter because something told me to trust them then – to trust _him_ then – and now was no different.

No matter what, no matter what form, he was still Embry. He would always _be_ Embry and he would always be someone I could trust – man or wolf.

Which is what urged me to turn around, what pushed me to suck in and release another deep breath as I did and what drove me to seek out a pair of dark eyes, now towering above me, glimmering with a new feral glow and lined with a gentleness I wasn't expecting.

But they were still Embry's eyes. While everything else changed, those remained the same. Everything I expected to see, and everything I was used to was still peering back at me.

Letting my own eyes adjust in the darkness, the moonlight peeked through the canopy of forest growth, filtering down to reveal the edges of the wolf's massive, lupine frame. The rest of him slowly came into focus, and I finally was able to make out the distinction of every curve, every sinew in his silver-wrapped body. He stood stoic and unyielding, his legs poised in an at-ease stance while all four paws dug unknowingly into the dirt beneath them.

As I allowed myself to study him and take in as much as I could in the one moment I knew we had. The only sound piercing the silence of the forest was his rough breaths as they escaped his muzzle, which bore a striking mark of black in contrast to the rest of him. Each breath released a trace of steam, the heat emitted from his body a sharp juxtaposition to the cool night air surrounding both of us.

Locking my eyes with his watching ones, I found myself taking a step forward, captivated by this side of him, this beautiful protector standing in front of me.

"Embry." His name fell from my lips, a hushed whisper as my legs moved, my head tipping toward him in response as he seemed to grow taller the closer I moved to him.

Watching me tentatively, his head cocked to one side curiously and cautiously, his ears perking slightly at the sound of his name. Embry now towered at least a foot above me, if not more, and if I reached out now, I could touch the smoky fur resting in the area between his shoulders.

My fingers twitched at my side, wanting to reach out, wanting to touch him. The more I watched this creature in front of me, one who shared the body of someone I'd let inside me – someone who'd claimed a part of my heart – the more I wanted to feel him under my hands. I desired the closeness. I craved the connection with this part of his soul, this being that was as much a part of Embry as the smile on his face, the warmth of his hands and the feel of his body pressed against mine.

Almost as if he was mirroring the longing from my eyes, a soft, throaty whine escaped him as he took a hesitant, lumbering step forward, the moonlight once again glistening off his rippling coat, his head dipping slightly and slowly as he did. Those eyes pierced through mine, pleading, feral, desiring as they urged me to act, as they urged me to take whatever it was I wanted in that moment.

By the time I allowed my arm to react and raise slightly as it reached toward him, I'd forgotten why we were standing in the forest in the first place. I'd forgotten about Seth, where he'd asked us to go, and what could possibly be waiting for us when we got there.

The corners of my lips pulled into a smile as a low, thrumming noise started in the wolf's throat before my fingers even grazed the coarse hair just above his snout. As soon as my palm landed on the black trail leading to his eyes, his head sunk even lower and he closed them, nudging his head up into my outstretched fingers as he urged me to continue.

Taking a deep breath, I took one last step as I allowed the other hand to rise, burying it tentatively into the fur just below his ear. Curling my fingers inward, I used them unassumingly to stroke the leathery surface of the wolf's body buried beneath the fur, uncurling and curling them again as the humming noise within him grew more pronounced.

At the same time, I let the palm of my other hand rub gently up his muzzle, watching with intent as his eyes opened slightly, but just long enough for them to flutter shut as I exerted more pressure, now gently rubbing the area between them. Only when I lifted the hand on his snout did the wolf's entire body shiver in content, his eyes opening once again as he lifted his head so he was staring me directly in my own eyes.

He stretched his neck and I remained completely still, frozen in wonder as he moved so close to me. The hand that was on his muzzle intimately found solace in the fur just above his shoulder, almost mirroring the action of my other one. I heard another soft whine, followed by a deep, content rumble in his throat, the puff of breath he released causing my hair to fan out behind my back. My eyes closed automatically when I did, and I could feel the wolf's heat not only beneath my hands but now on my face as his nose gently made contact with my cheek, using it to draw a small circle on my skin.

I felt the absence of it, but my skin still tingled even as he let the side of his muzzle graze my cheek, almost tenderly, before he took one long, lithe step as my eyes reopened. He continued to move and I watched him as he gracefully encircled me from behind, his head now peering at me over my shoulder. With a chortle that could only be described as affectionate, he dipped his head once more, the rest of his body following suit as he allowed himself to lay down on the ground, both front paws stretched out in front of him and he now looked up at me, patient and waiting.

The fog, the enchanting haze that somehow I'd let envelop me, cleared little by little as I smiled down at him. He whimpered again, a patient plea, throwing his snout toward his awaiting back.

Sighing, I turned and took the two steps needed to reach him, leaning over and taking a fistful of fur in each hand as I scrambled on top of his massive, sturdy frame. Readjusting myself so I was facing forward, I realized my legs barely fit around his torso, but I clamped them both to him for good measure, leaning forward so I was parallel with his body. My hands drifted upward so I was now clasping to the coat at the base of his neck. Inching myself up a little further, I leaned in, my breath causing the wolf's ear to twitch in response.

The wolf let out a louder whine this time, rising up on all fours in the same moment as he let the whine dissolve into a low, drawn-out howl that resonated with pride. As I felt the vibrations from the noise ripple through his body, I held on to his coat for dear life, using every muscle I had in my legs to stay put. Burying my face in the fur at the base of his neck just between his shoulders, I squeezed my eyes shut one last time.

Letting the howl dissipate, his body tensed beneath me just before he ran.

I didn't look up and I never let go, but I could feel the air rushing at an impossible speed through the grey wolf's fur, as well as every muscle in his body contracting and relaxing in perfect rhythm beneath me as he ran. Much to my surprise, I was hardly jostled and never once felt like I would fall off. Even when he jumped to clear some unknown obstacle, I barely shifted on his back.

What seemed like only moments later, the wolf's pace slowed and I ventured a glance, my head lifting from its resting place as I saw the lights of Sam and Emily's back porch through the trees several yards ahead.

Before I even had a chance to sit up, the wolf already collapsed onto the forest floor, peering back at me, his eyes blazing with a privation I couldn't comprehend. Tearing my gaze away, I smiled as I threw one leg over and allowed myself to slide off his body, smoothing my jeans and my t-shirt once I stood upright.

As my eyes focused and before I could speak, I realized the wolf already stood and galloped into the darkness several feet from where he left me standing. My mouth fell open in surprise as I squinted, trying to tell how far he went but even I knew the action was pointless.

However, the same static charge from earlier moved through the air a moment later, causing another shiver to lace up my spine as it did. I crossed my arms in front of my chest and waited, only a few moments passing before I heard a twig snap and saw Embry, on two legs now, jogging out from the darkness, still pulling his own shirt over his head as he did. His brows were knit low over his eyes and his jaw was tight, a look of urgency, a desperate want emanating from his features as he approached me swiftly, his gaze trained heavily and determinedly on mine.

The intensity was almost enough to startle me, but it didn't. Instead, I couldn't tear my eyes from his, a heat spreading through me as I focused on the feralness in them, the fire, the _gratitude_ as the moonlight played over his expression with each step he took.

I let my arms fall and I took a step forward just as Embry reached me, my breath leaving me in a forceful rush as his hands outstretched, desperately clamping onto my cheeks as his mouth hungrily sought out mine without restraint and without hesitation.

I instantly responded to his urgency, craving it, my own fingers reaching out for his body, digging into his abdomen as they claimed the skin just beneath his shirt. One of his hands drifted from my cheek, grasping the back of my neck as his fingers tangled in my hair, his lips still moving and his mouth opening greedily against mine.

I allowed one hand to reach up, tracing his jawline gently as his lips eventually abandoned mine, heat simmering just below my skin as his mouth ventured up my cheek, his breath leaving him in labored pants. Finally, he reached my ear, hesitating for a brief moment as he sucked in a deep breath, pressing a tender, heated kiss to the skin just below it. At the same time, his hands fell to my shoulders and he pulled me to him, his arms curling around me anxiously.

Resting my chin on his shoulder, I wrapped my own arms around his waist as I turned my face toward him, landing a soft kiss on his shoulder. "Hey," I whispered, "you okay?"

His response was to hold me tighter against him, his own breath leaving him in a ragged sigh. "Yeah," he finally spoke, his voice thick with what could only be described as relief. "Yeah, I'm fine, it's just – thank you."

Laying my cheek against his shoulder, I let my fingers splay out across his back. "For what?"

I felt his fingers in my hair now, and he took a deep breath before releasing it into the night air. "Nothing," he sighed. "I'll tell you later – not here, not like this."

"Okay," I murmured curiously, letting my hands drop from Embry's back the same time he released me, allowing me to pull away and look at him. His eyes were restful now and the fire was gone. Intertwined with it all, he managed to smile at me before turning his head toward the house.

"We better go see what's going on." His voice was less apprehensive as he reached for my hand. Returning his smile, I let him take it, allowing him to lead me through the remaining forest before the trees cleared and opened into Sam and Emily's expansive backyard.

We only made it a few steps before the shrinking distance between us and the house caused the heat in my veins to subside, allowing it to be replaced by a growing, heavy knot in my stomach. My palms were already sweating and if Embry noticed, he pretended not to as we reached the front porch. A moment later, I easily fell into step beside him, eyeing him as he led me up the steps. Glancing down at me, he nodded, his face stoic and his jaw set in place.

He knew who was here now. He knew who was waiting, and even as he opened the front door, I held his gaze, searching his steely eyes for answers I knew I wouldn't get.

But it was an answer I received as soon as we stepped into the warm house, just after the smell of cinnamon and apples invaded my nostrils and as soon as I stepped around Embry's body, my eyes falling on the last person I expected to see standing in Sam and Emily's living room.

The knot unraveled in my stomach in the same instant my heart sank to my feet.

"Rachel."

Her name was more of a breath falling from my lips and it was just audible enough for her to hear. I knew she heard it because she chose that moment to spin lithely in a half-circle so she was facing Embry and me, allowing me a full and unobstructed view of the array of emotions passing across her beautiful features.

Her face wore an impossible mixture of anger and sadness and her upper lip curled up in an almost-sneer, her shoulders and chest heaving as they resisted under her labored breaths.

But it was her eyes that held me, two ebony pools bearing down on me with the viciousness of an animal, but blazing with the vulnerability of hurt and betrayal. It was her eyes that caused me to shrink back for just a moment, my body drawing closer to Embry as I felt him tighten his grip on my hand and pull me slightly behind the shield of his body.

It didn't matter, though. I couldn't hide from it. I knew why she was here and I couldn't hide from the look in those eyes — a look that caused me to almost wither beneath the strength of it. I knew what this was about because it was a look I recognized. It was a look I was familiar with.

It was a look my own eyes held not that long ago, back when what I once considered a huge part of my world was ripped away from me too soon and unexpectedly.

Rachel's trembling hand raised slowly, her fingers curling into a fist while her index finger still pointed in my direction. "You." Her voice was raspy and strained, like she was fighting to get the words through an obstruction in her throat. For the first time I noticed her eyes were not only immensely troubled, but red and swollen and I could clearly see the glassiness in them despite the distance separating us.

My mouth fell open slightly as my eyes followed Rachel, whose gaze raked over me, finally tearing from my own as her troubled stare fell to where Embry's fingers intertwined with mine. She didn't linger long, almost like she didn't even register it, because her mind was somewhere else, on someone else, the reason she'd came and the person she so clearly hadn't found when she arrived.

But it was her next words that went straight to my core, threatening to rip open a wound only starting to heal.

"You promised me you'd take care of him."

My stomach reeled as the words rooted inside me, remembering a conversation over the phone months ago, and I swear I heard Embry growl beside me. It was barely audible, but it was there. It didn't matter though, because I pushed it down as far as I could. I buried the aching Rachel's words dredged from a place I'd managed to tuck away and released Embry's hand, taking a tentative step forward.

She needed someone. She needed someone to support her, to stand behind her, to be honest with her now, to let her know it would be okay without telling her it would.

She needed someone to _show_ her.

"I'm sorry, Rachel." The words came out as a whisper. "We didn't take care of him, but he made his choice and there's nothing else we could have done."

She gaped at me as I approached, her chest expanding and contracting with labored, trying breaths, giving me just a second to peer behind her. It was long enough to see Sam take a step forward and Emily's hands fly over her mouth. Seth was watching from near the back door, his face stoic but eyes betraying the fact he too understood what Rachel was going through, his face mirroring the regret of not telling her sooner so she could have dealt with this along with the rest of us.

"Bella…" Embry's voice sounded far away, a warning I decided not to heed as I took another step forward.

"I know it hurts," I murmured, my eyes trained back on Jacob's sister, willing her to listen to me. "I know how hard it seems right now, but we'll help you through it. _They_ helped me through it." I looked around to the people standing in the room, the ones surrounding us as I approached her.

"No, stop." Rachel's fingers splayed out in a defensive motion, the desperation in her face hoping I'd heed it. I didn't. "It's not okay. This is not _okay_ , Bella. I lost my dad, and then…and then my brother left and no one gave a fuck to tell me he was gone? What the fuck is wrong with you people?" By now, her mouth was open as she tried frantically to suck in breaths, to keep the meltdown at bay. "How could you _not_ tell me?"

The closer I got to her, the more I ached on her behalf. The more I hated myself for forgetting about her, for not telling her, for not giving _her_ the chance to choose how she grieved, how she dealt with it and how she moved forward.

"I'm sorry, Rachel," I repeated, softer this time, now only a foot or two separating us.

Rachel shook her head violently in response as I saw Emily take a step forward from her place near the sofa, her entire being on high alert if she was needed. "No, you do NOT get to tell me he's gone and then tell me you're sorry. You promised, Bella! He's my little brother and you _promised_!" The pitch of Rachel's voice was rising as she teetered on the cusp of losing control, of breaking down completely in front of everyone.

I didn't say another word as I watched the first tear squeeze its way painstakingly from her eye, meander torturously down her cheek and disappear beneath her chin. She squeezed them shut, still shaking her head. "My family…" The words came out choked and as her body quaked with suppressed sobs, she raised her hands to her face, covering as much of it as she could with her palms. The only thing she could do to shield her breakdown from the rest of the world.

There would be no rationalizing with her, there would be no more apologizing. Apologies didn't matter, apologies didn't resonate and I knew this better than anyone. Not at this point, not when everything was new, when everything still felt so helpless.

So I did the only thing I could do, something someone else once did for me. I stepped forward, closing the last bit of distance between us and reached around Rachel's body, encasing her in my arms and squeezing her to me as tight as I could.

At first, her body was stiff and rigid, the shudders within still rocking her, but after a few moments I felt her relax. I felt her surrender to the only thing I really could offer her, surrender to the anguish as she let her hands fall from her face, her forehead falling to my shoulder as her own arms curled around my waist.

No one moved. No one breathed a breath as I stood there, holding her, letting her cry for as long as she wanted to. And Rachel's soft cries were the only sound piercing through the thick silence inside the house.

As her tears soaked through the material of my t-shirt, I waited – for as long as I was needed – stroking her hair, using my own newfound strength to comfort her, to be there for her. I listened to her as she cried out every sob she contained and I held her as she fell to pieces in my arms. I did it because I knew it was the only way she could pick them up, the only way she could start putting the pieces back together. Someone had done it for me once, and I wanted to do it for her.

But I was so focused on Rachel, so focused on what was going on in front of me, I barely heard the front door open and two sets of lumbering footsteps enter Sam and Emily's home, one of which halted as soon as it hit the threshold.

A few silent, infinite moments passed before Rachel finally spoke.

"Bella?"

Taking a deep, ragged breath, I relaxed just a fraction as my fingers unintentionally grazed over the ends of her ebony hair. "Yeah?"

Rachel sniffled, pulling away in that moment. Her eyes weren't on me. In fact, they were on something beyond me, on the source of the noise I'd heard behind me moments ago, on the people who'd just walked through the door. My brow furrowing in confusion, wondering how her tears so suddenly ceased and why the anger and sadness in her features were replaced with a sudden calm and bewilderment, like something was happening that was much bigger than this, something she couldn't comprehend but also couldn't overlook.

Frowning, I reached out and took her hand, squeezing it gently. It didn't even faze her. "Rachel?"

Her charcoal eyes flitted to me for a split second, long enough for her to register what I was saying, before she looked back. But her mouth opened and her lips formed the words, directed at me in a hushed whisper, almost like she didn't want the subject of what she was about to say to hear.

"Why's Paul looking at me like that?"

* * *


	24. All I See

_**Suggested Listening: "Fly" by Sarah Fimm, "Notes in Constellations" by Chiodos, "Emphasis" by Sleeping At Last, "All I See" by Lydia, "Eyes Closed" by The Narrative** _

"I feel like my fucking head is about to explode."

I chanced a glance out of the corner of my eye at Rachel, who was sitting next to me on Sam and Emily's porch steps, her feet resting against the last step and her elbows propped rigidly on her knees. Her eyes were closed and her fingers rubbed her temples in slow, drawn-out circles.

Taking a deep breath, I reached out to her, my fingers curling around her thigh and squeezing gently before I retracted my arm. "It's a lot to take in, I know," I ventured sympathetically.

Rachel scoffed, her eyelids popping open as she jerked her head toward me, the moonlight reflecting off the glassiness of her eyes. "No, Bella – finding out my dumb ass brother ran away from home almost four months ago and no one has heard from him since is a lot to _take in_." Her mouth remained slightly open as her eyes scanned the yard, avoiding my gaze. "But then being told all the legends about our tribe and the stories about shape shifters are _true_ , and finding out my brother is one of them? Finding out most of his friends – these boys I watched grow up – are the same thing? That's _more_ than a lot to take in."

Rachel's face wrinkled in disbelief and her head shook without her permission as she continued. "And then – if that wasn't enough – some ancient gods somewhere thought they'd throw in a sick twist about me being the perfect, pre-determined _mate_ for one of them? For Paul Lahote, of all people? I just…" Her voice trailed off, the sound choking in her own throat. "It's insanity, Bella. This shit is way too much for one person to handle in the span of a couple hours."

I swallowed thickly as Rachel's words settled within me. I tightened my overshirt around my body, attempting to block out the chilly night air as one particular word stuck in my throat, even though she never spoke it. It was implied, which made it just as hard to push down and just as hard to forget.

 _Imprint_.

Paul imprinted on Rachel.

Paul imprinted on Rachel right in front of us, right in the middle of her discovering the truth about Jacob and the fact we'd all kept his disappearance from her.

And I'd seen how easy it was, how effortless it was as everything shifted. I could see the change in Paul as soon as I snuck a glance at him over my shoulder. I watched his jaw slack and the hardness in his face completely dissipate as he stared at her, as he reveled in her presence. It was almost as if his entire life – every day, every minute leading up to the moment – disappeared completely from his consciousness.

I'd taken a step back when he spoke her name, goose bumps cropping up along my skin as the velvet sound of the syllables rolling caringly off his tongue. It was a tone I'd never heard him use before, yet it was one that only solidified the reality of what was happening.

It was done. The cables were in place. There would be no severing them, and there would be no going back for Paul and Rachel, no matter what she said or did now. The confused, forlorn look that spread across her features when Sam commanded Paul to wait outside wouldn't last long. The pain in Paul's eyes could not be extinguished when he did as he was told, despite every fiber inside him begging him to stay exactly where he was.

It was clear even as he took a step back, followed by another. She was his world now.

Nothing before that moment mattered.

 _No one_ before that moment mattered.

It shouldn't have affected me as much as it did because in reality, what was transpiring before us had nothing to do with me.

But it did. I knew it did the moment I let my eyes abandon Rachel and sweep over the spot near the door previously occupied by Paul's large frame. I knew it did the second everyone else dissolved into the background and my gaze met a pair of black eyes, underlined by a tightened jaw and accentuated by an expression swirling with disbelief, determination, and fear – fear of something we'd never considered and hadn't given a second thought.

Until now.

The traces of it on Embry's features were barely discernible but they were there. They weren't prevalent and I was fairly certain he had no idea it was there, but it was enough to make my breath catch in my throat as it sparked a small feeling of trepidation inside me. For just a moment, he let his eyes meet mine and he offered me a soft, halfhearted smile as he swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing with the action as the smile took with it the look of uncertainty on his face.

I stood there motionless even when Embry remembered to move and started toward me. Clenching my fists at my sides, I let my eyes close as he snaked one arm around my waist. The heat from his body soaked through my clothing as he leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to my forehead.

"I'm gonna go outside and talk to Paul," he whispered. The words sounded muffled in my ears. "You'll be okay in here?"

Biting my lip, I forced my eyes open and peered up at him, trying my best to offer him a reassuring smile. Inside, the trepidation was building — little by little — into a thin veil of unknown fear, masked by guilt. It stemmed from the selfishness of my thoughts as I threw a glance at Rachel, who had sank to the sofa, her face in her hands as Emily sat next to her and Sam pulled up a kitchen chair to sit directly in front of her. There were bigger things happening right now demanding my attention.

But remembering the reason Rachel needed us and what she was about to face made it hard to keep the guilt and anxiety at bay.

And it had nothing to do with the loss of Jacob.

I took a deep breath as I felt Embry's hand on the small of my back. A part of me fought the urge to grab it and hold him to me in some vain attempt to keep him next to me, and it was not just for that moment. As the air left me, I looked up at Embry who was already peering down at me, his brow creased with worry. Just seeing those charcoal eyes caused my stomach to boil with a sudden onslaught of anxiety and dread.

It was enough to make my breath catch in my throat. It was a feeling — a combination of emotions swirling and mixing faster than I could process them — I hadn't felt since the day I stepped over the threshold of the little red house to find a letter waiting for me. It was an imminent and unexplainable feeling of uncertainty, combined with the unmistakable possibility of loss.

Even when I nodded once and Embry's face relaxed just a fraction, I knew where all this was coming from. I knew the origin of it because the word was burning like acid on the back of my tongue.

_Imprint._

I should have followed Embry out the door. I should have left the house. Better yet, I should have went straight home and let the pack deal with something I would never fully understand, and would quite possibly be better off _not_ fully understanding. At that moment, even as Emily's small hand rubbed soft circles on Rachel's back as Sam started to speak, I only had a vague grasp of what I'd witnessed – secondhand accounts from those who'd never actually experienced it themselves.

Instead, I became a quiet observer as I allowed myself to slump into a chair and lean one elbow against the kitchen table. I permitted myself to become privy to an explanation of those who knew _firsthand_ as Sam and Emily both sat before Rachel and started explaining it to her.

They started with apologies and they pleaded for forgiveness. When Rachel nodded robotically, still reeling from what was no doubt an unmistakable shift she'd felt within _herself_ , Sam began the story of the Quileute legends. They were all stories Rachel was familiar with because she heard them numerous times as a child.

Still, she wasn't expecting the direction Sam took the conversation when he got to the part about the tribe's protectors. He explained to her the truth about the men who turned into wolves, including every detail about her grandfather and former chief of the Quileute tribe, Ephraim Black. As Sam pressed on, I heard her breath halt and watched her body stiffen when Sam told her about the first time he phased, followed by Paul, Jared and Embry. Then he told Rachel about Jacob's fever and how he'd known it wouldn't be long for him either.

"Did my dad know?" Rachel's voice was a hushed, strained whisper.

Sam nodded. "He knew everything, Rachel – the entire time. He knew before your brother knew."

Rachel made a struggled noise in her throat. "How come no one ever told me before?" The words were barely audible from my spot across the room.

"It wasn't his secret to share, nor was it Jacob's," Sam explained.

By this point, Rachel's head was violently shaking back and forth in her disbelief. "So I don't understand — why are you telling me all this now then?"

My hands turned clammy against my jeans as I watched Sam and Emily exchange a glance. Emily nodded curtly before Sam turned his eyes back to Rachel. "Rachel, you have to understand — if you want me to tell you this right now, you must also know you will have a decision to make in the near future. This won't be something you can ignore."

"So this is pretty big, too, I take it?" Rachel muttered dryly. When Sam nodded, she let out a frustrated scoff. "Well, then you might as well let me have it. This day's been one emotional mindfuck after another, so..."

Sam latched on to Rachel's permission and quickly yet cautiously wove his way into the portion of the story regarding imprinting. He didn't use the word at first, explaining to her how each one of them shared their soul with the wolf. His eyebrows raised carefully when he told her this also meant their souls possessed some of the wolf's natural instincts and more feral traits, including the ability to recognize its perfect mate in another human being.

Rachel chose that moment to peer up from behind her hands, which she was using to vigorously rub her face and eyes. "Whoa, wait...what?"

This time, Sam sighed. "That's the easiest way to explain it, Rachel, but we have another word for it — it's called imprinting."

"Imprinting?" Rachel stumbled over the word and my stomach wrenched as Sam spoke it.

Sam nodded and Emily's hand once again appeared on Rachel's shoulders, squeezing one affectionately. "Imprinting is what happens when we finally realize who it is we're destined to be with, that one individual who will complete both the man and the wolf, the person who will help ensure the next generation of protectors is the strongest it can be." Sam paused, swallowing thickly as he let Rachel process the first part of his explanation. "Imprinting forms a bond — an undeniable, definite bond that cannot be severed. It's complete, and when it happens, we will be anything for our imprints — brother, friend, lover. But more often than not, it's altering, Rachel. Everything in your world before that moment ceases to exist. It ceases to be important. After we imprint, there's only one thing — one person — on this earth for whom we live."

Rachel's head was bobbing again and without a thought, she cast a quick glance over her shoulder until her eyes sought me out. Her face was panicked and overwhelmed, and her eyes were wide with an anxious glaze. I shivered when I took in her expression, allowing it to mingle with the words Sam spoke — the words I took in just as ardently as Rachel.

"Jesus, I'm almost afraid to ask, but this imprinting? I still don't understand what this has to do with me," Rachel squeaked as she looked back toward Sam, her voice rising slightly in frustration.

Another deep breath by Sam. This time his shoulders rose and fell from the heaviness of it. "Rachel, you are Paul's imprint."

Rachel didn't move, and I was inwardly thankful I couldn't see her face. It took several agonizingly long seconds for her to recover before she finally was able to speak. "Wh...what?"

"You are his imprint," Sam repeated.

"No, I fucking heard you, but...what?" This time, Rachel sprang to her feet and her hands shot back up to her face as she pressed her index fingers to her temples. "Oh, jesus. This is just...this is too much."

"Sweetie, I know it's kind of scary at first but in reality, imprinting is a rare, special thing," Emily spoke up, and I winced in spite of myself. "You just have to give it a little time to process and figure out what it means to you."

Rachel's legs carried her a couple feet from the couch and she began pacing nervously to Sam's right. "Special? So you're essentially telling me that I'm Paul's _mate_?" She spat the word out acridly, her face screwing up in disgust as she did. "That I'm his property or something? I mean, the guy's hot and all, but not enough for me to trade my life in for a doublewide behind the rez grocery store so he can keep me barefoot and pregnant and popping out fucking puppies!"

"Rachel," Sam interrupted, raising his hand in an attempt to halt her fiery words. "The best thing for you to do right now is to not worry about it. Don't put labels on it yet and don't make judgments. Why don't you stay here for a while? Why don't you spend some time with us and with the pack? I think it might do you some good and help you process all this, and also realize we're still the same people you grew up with — just a little furrier."

Rachel let out a nervous, awkwardly loud laugh at Sam's attempt to diffuse the tension as she scrubbed her hand through her ebony hair, the smile melting from her face almost as quickly as it appeared. "I don't know. Maybe I'll think about it."

Sam smiled at her, taking her words for what they were before he stood and nodded toward her and Emily. He afforded me one glance as he walked past me, allowing me a swift, acknowledging nod before letting himself out the front door.

I sat there at the kitchen table for several minutes following Sam's departure, only focusing in every other moment on the conversation now transpiring between Emily and Rachel in which Emily continued answering Rachel's questions on imprinting from a female perspective, from the angle of someone who knew exactly what it meant to everyone involved – to those on both ends of the imprint.

And on the ones the imprint left behind.

By this point, Rachel was sitting in Sam's armchair as Emily told her what happened two years earlier when Sam first imprinted on Emily, when he'd been engaged to Leah and had loved her and was planning a life with her. The tone of Emily's voice was regretful as she acknowledged everything the imprint had cost her cousin, the person who'd loved Sam with nothing but human devotion and blind faith.

The person who loved Sam by choice.

The person who had none when she lost him to something bigger.

The knot in my stomach intensified as the possible parallels became glaringly clear and obvious, even as the waves of newfound understanding passed across Rachel's face. The scenario Emily spoke of suddenly registered in my brain and became all too familiar. It was a possibility I faced and conquered with Jacob, back when I thought promises were permanent and love was more powerful than anything else.

But now, I found this realization within me solidifying, a truth I stupidly hadn't acknowledged before. This was something I'd possibly have to face with Embry as well, because sometimes promises couldn't be kept.

Sometimes choice wasn't enough.

Sometimes there was something out there that was bigger; something waiting to trump risk, hope and the chances you took along the way.

Using my legs to push my chair back from the table, it nearly tipped over as I sprang quickly to my feet. I couldn't listen to anymore, even as Emily and Rachel's faces swiveled toward the source of the noise. The damage had been done, the large, misshapen pieces inadvertently chiseled from the strength and confidence I'd found and had become a welcome part of me in recent weeks.

Emily's eyes were wide as she peered at me over her shoulder. "Bella, honey, are you alright?"

Swallowing awkwardly, I nodded. "Yeah. I'm just gonna go outside and get some air."

I didn't wait for a response before my legs moved, ushering my body out the front door. It wasn't until I closed the door behind me that I felt I could finally breathe, sucking in deep lungfuls of the cool night air as I leaned thankfully against the glass door.

There was no one to be found outside the house, even as I squinted fruitlessly through the darkness. Taking a few steps forward, I listened and heard nothing as well. With a stressed sigh, I allowed my legs to fold beneath me as I sank to the porch steps, pulling my knees to my chest as I settled in to wait for whoever could take me home.

Staring into the darkness, I barely registered the sound of the door slide open behind me and quietly click back into place. I didn't move until the soft, padding footsteps landed right beside me. Peering up to my right, I saw Rachel's pensive and expressionless face staring back at me. A moment later, her eyes darted out to the front yard before she released her own heavy sigh and collapsed next to me on the steps.

"This is some fucked up shit, isn't it?"

* * *

"So you and Embry, huh?"

My stomach fluttered with both recognition and nerves as Rachel quickly changed the subject. I stared at my toes, which were pushed together side by side on the porch steps. I nodded, sneaking a glance at Rachel out of the corner of my eye. "Yeah — I'm sorry if that's weird for you."

"It's not weird," Rachel murmured. "You moved on — good for you." Crossing her arms and propping them against her knees, she peered at me thoughtfully. "Look, Bella, I'm sorry about earlier for what I said about Jake. I know you loved my brother, but I also know him and how god damned stubborn he can be. Granted, I never thought he would go to such lengths and I still wish to christ he'd come home or call or _something_ , but I also know it wasn't your fault he left. I was just upset that Sam lied to me about it."

"Thanks, Rachel," I murmured, offering her a modest smile as I leaned against my cheek against my closed fist. "Honestly, I should have told you. I was kind of too wrapped up in my own crap for awhile there to think about doing the right thing."

Rachel left it at that. She wasn't letting me completely off the hook but she was clearly making the conscious decision to not rub my nose in it either, which I appreciated.

"So are you Embry's imprint or whatever?" Rachel asked, much too casually for the topic at hand.

I grimaced, my head jerking away from her so she couldn't see my reaction. It took a moment and a deep breath for me to shake my head. "No, I'm not."

"Oh," Rachel muttered. "Well, that's okay. Shit sounds really confusing and kind of scary anyway. Not sure what the hell our ancestors had against doing it the old-fashioned way anyhow."

I chuckled as Rachel clearly had decided to do everything she could to lighten the tension caused by such a heavy situation, probably more in an attempt to deflect from her own confusion regarding everything that happened. "Yeah, me neither," I agreed somberly.

We let the silence linger between us for a few minutes, the wind rustling through the trees and Rachel's deep, even breathing the only sounds interrupting the stillness surrounding us. It wasn't long, though, before I heard a familiar deep grumble of an engine I was used to approach and turn into the driveway.

I watched as my Mustang crept up the muddy lane and pulled to a stop several feet from us. The lights were killed before the door swung open, revealing an earnest-faced Embry as he emerged from the car. He gave Rachel a quick glance and a kindhearted smile before his gaze trained on me. His face softened by just a fraction, one side of his mouth curling up just slightly higher than the other in a smile reserved only for me.

The expression simultaneously caused the knot of dread in my stomach to tighten and my exhilarated heart to pound. Drawing in a ragged breath, I ripped my eyes away from his several moments before I normally would, concentrating instead on the ground just beyond the steps.

I needed to get my shit together, and I needed to get it together fast.

The only problem was I didn't have the slightest clue where to start. I wasn't sure how I was going to push aside everything I was reminded of in the past hour or how I was going to move forward without constantly wondering if today or tomorrow could possibly be the day I'd lose Embry to imprinting, too.

"How you doing, Rachel?" I heard Embry's quiet voice cut through the thick silence.

Rachel chuckled from her spot next to me. "Well, besides the fact my brother's probably lying on a beach somewhere laughing at all us and the reservation bicycle now wants to be my one and only? I'm peachy keen, honey."

Embry's laugh caused a subtle wave of heat to creep through my veins before it fanned out in my stomach, encircling and almost overpowering the knot. It was enough to make me waver as I tore my eyes from the ground and chanced another glance at him. I wasn't surprised to find the grin on his face, nor was I shocked when I discovered his eyes already watching me.

"You sticking around for awhile?" He asked, his gaze flitting back to Rachel even though I continued to watch him this time as he leaned his elbows against the open car door.

"I might," Rachel admitted quietly. "Maybe it'll be easier to sort through things here, and since I kinda told my boss to fuck off so I could come here, something tells me I don't really have much to go home to right now."

His eyes falling as the smile still played at his lips, Embry nodded understandingly. "Yeah, probably not. It'll be good to have you around, though," he continued as he looked back up. "We miss you around here, Rach — Rebs, too. Plus, it'll be nice to have someone around to keep Paul in line."

Rachel scoffed and even I couldn't help it as a small smile tugged at my lips. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves, Em. I'm still trying to wrap my head around all this."

"Yeah, good luck with that," Embry chuckled as he pushed back from the door. "Good thing it's you. Something tells me you're one of the few that can handle him." Rachel's halfhearted laugh died down little by little next to me when Embry finally rearranged his gaze so it was trained on me again. "You ready to go?"

Nodding, I pushed myself off the porch steps so I was standing next to Rachel. Peering down at her, I placed one hand caringly on her shoulder. "You still have my number, right?"

She nodded. "Yup."

"Okay," I acknowledged. "Make sure you call me if you need anything, okay?"

Rachel's head continued to bob in an understanding gesture. "Got it, Bella. And hey, thanks for listening."

Giving her one last smile and a nod of my own, I turned and descended the steps, walking swiftly toward the passenger side of the Mustang. As soon as my fingers curled around the door handle, I met Embry's gaze from across the roof. Now, from an angle Rachel couldn't see, his expression of unease was unmistakable. Forcing what I was sure was a less than convincing smile, I pulled the door open and lowered myself into the passenger seat.

Seconds later, my hands were clasped rigidly in my lap as Embry navigated the main road leading back to his house. I kept my eyes trained on the winding pavement through the windshield, even though I could feel Embry sneak a glance at me every couple seconds.

"Kind of a crazy night, huh?"

Blinking, I dipped my head slightly as I played with the ring on my index finger. As I did, my eyes shifted slightly to the left where I noticed Embry's right hand resting palm up on the center console, an open and welcome invitation urging me to take it. The muscles in my fingers twitched instinctively and I frowned as I realized something else inside me was fighting my desire to reach out to him.

"Yeah," I finally whispered, tearing my eyes from his outstretched hand and refocusing on the road in front of us. "I still can't believe it really."

"That it was Rachel at the house?" Embry asked hesitantly as he flipped the car's blinker on to turn into his driveway.

"Well, yes — and that Paul imprinted on her," I added, the word still bitter as I thought it.

"Yeah, I don't think any of us were expecting that," he continued, slowing the car down as he let it creep toward the house, which sat dark and empty several yards away. "I mean, the way it happened broke at least one thing we thought we knew about imprinting."

Frowning, I managed to glance at Embry, whose eyes were now watching the driveway intently, his jaw clenched in thought. "What do you mean?" I chanced, frowning slightly as I watched him.

Embry sighed as he brought the car to a stop. "I mean this wasn't the first time Paul saw Rachel since he first phased. That's what's strange about it." Shifting the car roughly into park, Embry let his hands drop to his legs as he continued peering through the rain-spotted glass. "Sam has a theory. He says maybe it didn't happen because neither of them were ready for it until now — or maybe they didn't need each other until now, which kind of makes sense when you think about it."

I chewed on this for a moment, repeating Embry's words in my head. Perhaps Sam was on to something. Maybe Paul's wolf chose this moment it did because Rachel no longer had anything tying her to her life in Oregon, or maybe it was because she needed Paul's strength after discovering the truth about Jacob. Maybe Paul needed _her_ strength.

Regardless, it didn't change the fact it happened.

"You coming in?" Embry ventured, finally turning his head to look at me, a flicker of hope passing across his features.

Watching him, I could feel the low wall I'd placed around me crumble just slightly, enough to cause my head to nod in agreement. "Yeah."

Exiting the car, I followed Embry up the porch steps and lingered a few paces behind him as he unlocked the door. Swinging it open, he reached around and flipped a switch, subsequently bathing the living room in a dim, overhead light. With that, he stepped back and smiled, motioning for me to go first. Watching him intently, his eyes followed my movement as I brushed past him and through the door.

Standing a few feet in the entryway, I wasn't sure what to do as Embry closed the door behind him. Stepping around me, he looked back at me as he shuffled uneasily into the kitchen, stopping at the cupboard just above the sink so he could grab a glass. "So what do you want to do? We've got movies. I could whip out the PlayStation if you want to keep things really interesting," he teased, wagging his eyebrows in my direction.

Giving him an unintentional frown, I cocked my head to the side absentmindedly. "I'm kind of tired actually."

Embry looked at me for a long moment before he sat the empty glass on the counter. "Oh. Well, yeah, that's fine — if you're tired, we can just go to bed."

I nodded, a pang of guilt shooting through me as I took in the slight hurt and disappointment on his face. "I'm sorry, Em, it's just been a really long day."

As he nodded himself, I let my eyes drop to the floor as I kicked off my shoes, bending over and placing them near the door. When I straightened, Embry was waiting by the short hallway. Allowing him another tiny smile, I started toward him, feeling his presence just behind me as I made the short walk to his bedroom.

The small room wasn't hard to navigate and I'd been in it enough times to know where was I going. What I didn't know, however — even as I made my way toward his bed — was how I was going to spend the night with him, how I was going to sleep pressed up against his body while he held me.

Mostly, though, I wasn't sure how I could do it while I pretended there wasn't this one thing eating at me from the inside out and while I pretended there weren't words needing to be said.

Turning to face the way I came, I sank to the edge of Embry's bed, my weight causing the springs beneath the mattress to creak. Curling my fingers around the blanket, my gaze followed Embry's outline as he moved silently to the bedside table and flicked on the lamp. The room now illuminated in a dim bath of light, he allowed himself one look at me before he let his body straighten, his eyes worried and pleading.

Withering beneath the intensity of his stare, I let my own eyes fall to the floor, concentrating on the toes of my shoes once again. He wanted answers, and he wanted words and I was still figuring out how to give them to him. It was difficult, though, because once again I found myself in a place where I was unwilling – not unable – to give him what he wanted. I didn't want to hurt him, even though I already could tell my silence was doing a perfectly fine job at that.

With one hand placed rigidly on his side, Embry let the other scrub through his hair as he worked his way back toward the door, leaving it disheveled in his wake. His footsteps ceased and he stood stoic and unmoving for just a moment before permitting his body to turn toward me. The worry in his eyes was replaced with a burning insistence.

"Are you going to talk to me, Bella, or are we back to this?" Embry finally spoke, his voice low and lined with a hint of impatience.

I winced, the words he spoke hitting much too close to my thoughts. Keeping my gaze stubbornly trained on the floor, I took a haggard breath before releasing it with a whoosh. "I don't know what I should say," I whispered.

Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Embry lean his back against the closed bedroom door, rubbing his hands across his face in one swift, frustrated motion. "Are you angry with me or something?"

This got my attention and I immediately bristled defensively as my eyes snapped up, catching his insistent gaze with mine. "No! Of course I'm not angry with you."

Embry sighed, letting his head fall against the door with a thump before tilting it in my direction. "Then what's wrong?"

I could feel the tears well up, accompanied by a sinking feeling inside me as I thought back to everything during the day leading us to this moment. I remembered his warm hands over my eyes and his lips near my ear, and the pride in his smile when he stole a glance at me at the fish fry. There was the entrancing moment with his wolf in the forest and the kiss following it, the urgency and desperation tangible in Embry's very presence.

But in the same breath, I remembered Rachel, and Paul's face flashed in the forefront of my mind. I remembered the moment of the imprint — the one thing overshadowing everything else only because I was letting it.

I remembered Sam's words.

_Undeniable. Definite._

_Everything in your world before that moment ceases to exist. It ceases to be important._

This day, like the others before, I continued carving out a spot in _my_ new world, a place where I was a different version of the person in the one past. It was a world in which Embry was a welcome, wanted and desired presence. It was a world I now cherished.

It was a world I couldn't see myself without.

But it also was one that could come crashing down one thousand times quicker than it took to build.

The fear was crippling now as I was faced with confronting it. It was no longer a trace or a simple knot in my stomach difficult to pinpoint. This seeped through every vein in my body and settled inside me like a lead weight. I swallowed, the saliva in my mouth thick as I finally met Embry's beseeching eyes, eyes that always held the ability to see straight through me. He wasn't just in my world – he was a part of it.

Undeniably. Definitely.

And in that moment, I knew he was a part of it I couldn't bear to lose to something more definite than choice.

At least not without _my_ choice because I still had one. I could still save us both from this.

My mouth fell open and I mentally pushed the words to the surface as Embry's shoulders rose and fell with quietly labored breaths as he waited for me to speak. The words didn't want to come but I clenched my teeth together and swallowed before I forced them out, one by one, despite everything inside me screaming to keep them in.

"We can't do this."

Embry's face turned sallow the moment I spoke the words and his lips parted slightly in disbelief as they traveled the short distance between us. He knew what I meant and I knew he didn't need any more than those. Regardless, the more I watched the frozen expression on his face as his eyes flicked back and forth anxiously between me and the wall behind my head, the more the tightness in my chest intensified.

He'd want an explanation. _Of course_ he'd want one. He would want to know why and no matter what I told him, I knew he wasn't going to let me go without a fight. He never had before.

This time, though, my resolve was thin and I knew it wouldn't take much for it to break.

It wouldn't take much because I didn't want this. I was arguing with every realization I'd made about fear and risk, and my words were negating every step forward I'd taken. He knew I was capable of rising above this and I wasn't even sure I could go backward — that I _could_ walk away.

Past experience was telling me I needed to try, though. The small, barely discernible nagging was telling me this time I needed to leave _before_ I was left and he needed to walk away before he was forced to.

But as I met Embry's imploring gaze, I knew it would be easier said than done.

Releasing my death grip on the blanket, I reached up and distractedly pushed a strand of hair behind my ear. This time, Embry straightened his body so it was no longer propped against the door. "Can't what, Bella?" he finally spoke. "Can't be together?"

Tucking my quivering lower lip between my teeth, I gave him a shaky nod and let my eyes shift anywhere but to his. They were my weakness, and I lost hold of everything in them. However, the stoicism on Embry's face was instantly replaced with a screwed up expression of confusion before he asked the question I already knew he would.

"Why?"

I let my breath leave me in a forced rush. I didn't need a lengthy explanation. I didn't need a ton of words to give him the answer he wanted because something told me I knew he'd understand — if not why then at least the reason behind it. The one word I did need, however, was still right there burning on the tip of my tongue.

"Imprinting."

I chanced a quick glance at Embry just in time to see the apprehensive mask on his face melt into an expression of recognition. He let his arms fall dejectedly to his sides before he continued. "Bella," he whispered, "is that what this is all about? Imprinting?"

I afforded him another curt nod as I adjusted myself where I sat, tucking my fingers under my thighs. "I heard what Sam told Rachel, and I never even thought about it — that it could happen to you, too." I tried to draw in a comforting breath, but it was released in a shiver that wound its way up my spine. "I mean I knew it could, but it just didn't _register_. It never crossed my mind that it could happen to _us_."

"Bella..." Embry's voice was still soft as he repeated my name, taking an automatic step toward me.

"No, Em." The lump was tightening in my throat as I pushed on, holding one hand out in front of me as a barrier as the words flowed out before I had a chance to really think about each one. "You have to understand." My mouth was frozen open as he took another step and I gaped at him, feeling the distraught lump in my throat working its way slowly to the surface. "I can't do this again."

The first tear squeezed its way torturously from my eye and my vision blurred as I lost sight of Embry behind the wall of distress. My head bowed as the next tears followed, a wave of shame washing over me as I did. I felt stupid and weak, the strides I'd taken before that day dissolving. Humiliated, I felt it all slipping as I allowed myself to be crushed once again under the heavy burden of fear and the possibility of loss.

A moment later, I felt Embry's unmistakable presence in front of me as he dropped to his knees with a soft thud. His fingers slowly drifted into my line of sight as he wrapped his hands around the top of my thighs, doing what he could to comfort me as he squeezed them through my jeans. After a second, he lifted one and I felt one finger beneath my chin as he urged me to look up. I put up little fight as my head lifted, meeting his searing gaze a second later.

His lips pressed into a thin line and his jaw tight, Embry let his fingers brush my cheek carefully, using the pad of his thumb to wipe away the tears. "You can't do what again, Bella? Live your life? Be happy? Take a chance on something?"

I viciously swiped the moisture from my cheek with a trembling hand. "I _am_ doing that, Em. I _took_ the chance. I took it and I _am_ happy, and the thought of losing that scares the hell out of me. And the fact I could lose it to something that'll make you forget everything — make you forget something that's meant so much to me..." I couldn't stop my hands from raising, from cupping his cheeks as he instinctively closed his eyes, taking a deep breath as he leaned into my hand. "Something that could make you forget _this_?" My breath was quaking with anxiety at this point as it left my lungs. "I know it's selfish, Em, but it's just too much."

"Bella," Embry whispered, his gleaming eyes opening as I let my hand fall from his face, my body vibrating with suppressed cries, "there's no guarantee I'll imprint. Remember the talk we had? It's supposed to be rare and Sam doesn't think I'll..."

"Rare?" I spluttered, blinking back the tears in disbelief. "Paul is the third one of you! That's half you, which is far from rare." He knew as well as I did how the numbers added up. Like it or not, the odds weren't in our favor.

Except in this case — for Embry and me — there was too much at stake. The wager was something I hadn't realized was on the table until that moment.

"I can't do this, Em, I can't...I can't lose..." The words were barely making it out of my throat now as I struggled to speak past the tears, yet they were still surfacing faster than I could contain them. " _You_."

"Bella, stop," Embry insisted, his voice low and determined as an unexpected sob left my throat. His hands were now on my cheeks, using the grip on my face to tilt it toward him. "You're not gonna lose me, okay?"

"How can you say that?" I whispered the unfiltered words now rushing past my lips before I had a chance to censor and before I had the opportunity to overthink. I reached up, curling my fingers around his wrists as I pulled at them. Embry's mouth opened slightly as he released my face without a fight, his gaze falling to his hands, which I'd now unintentionally taken in mine.

"You _don't_ know," I choked out. "You can't promise me you won't imprint and even if you did promise, I wouldn't believe you. There's still a chance, and that's why I can't do this, Embry." With each word, I watched the lightness in his eyes waver and the resolute certainty in each one falter. "We have to stop before we get any farther into this, before it's harder to get out, before we get any happier — before I love you even more."

As soon as the words left my mouth, I barely afforded them a second thought as a strangled noise escaped my throat and I surrendered completely to the worry and fear inside me. Embry's mouth fell open in shock and his face crumpled the same time I squeezed my eyes closed, shutting out his reaction completely as my walls crumbled entirely under the weight of my unexpected confession.

"Come here." The wavering words left Embry in one, rushed breath as he rose up on his knees and curled his arms around my shoulders, his lips gently brushing my forehead as I let myself be enveloped by his warmth. One large hand tenderly cupped the back of my head as I burrowed my face in his shoulder, my fingers curling desperately around the fabric of his t-shirt as I held on tightly to the moment.

"It's not going to happen," he whispered, his lips pressed against my ear.

Taking a deep breath through my nose, his earthy scent filled me and I allowed it to, cataloging it for later — just in case. With each inhale, I could feel the calm sweeping through my body as the boulder in my stomach disintegrated little by little. "You can't be sure," I repeated, my lips grazing the cotton of his t-shirt.

Embry inhaled slowly as his hands snaked back to my shoulders, slowly pushing me back so I could see him. I reached up instinctively as he let his hands fall back to my thighs, trailing my fingertips down his jawline. His eyes never released their soothing hold on mine. "I can't," he spoke thickly as I drew in a sharp breath, "but there're a lot of things I _am_ sure of, Bells. You remember the night in the garage when I said you were my choice?"

The words were still perfectly clear and even time hadn't muddied their importance to me. Bringing one finger up to catch a rogue tear, I nodded.

Embry's lips curled up in a slight smile as his eyes fell, taking a few moments before he let his face rise. "You're _still_ my choice. It's done — you're it for me, Bella."

I blinked and my stomach lurched as a hurricane of hopeful anxiety was set loose inside me. What was he telling me? The look of adoration in his eyes made my insides twist and jump all over again. I swallowed thickly as the heat of his palm seared into my cheek.

"Embry," I breathed in disbelief. "Did you...?"

A soft chuckle fell from his throat as Embry's hands grazed my knees and his eyes darted to my left. "No."

A slight twinge of disappointment rippled through my veins and was gone almost before I had a chance to register it. Lifting my hands from the mattress, I allowed them to run across the rough skin of his before my fingers wiggled under hands, encouraging him to take mine. "I don't think I understand..."

Embry let out a languid sigh as he rose to his feet, never releasing my hands as he moved to sit beside me on the bed. I shifted my body with his, turning toward him as I tucked my legs beneath my body the same time I allowed my gaze to follow him.

"I chose you and that's not going to change," he finally continued, letting his eyes drift to our joined hands where his thumb softly rubbed semi-circles on the back of mine. "I know it won't because it's like I told you before — you mean more to me than some ancient magic, Bella. You mean more to my _wolf_ than some ancient magic. And he made his choice long before I did."

My mouth dropped open as he spoke, the tears still resting precariously in the corners of my eyes. "What do you mean?"

As he took a deep breath, I knew what he was about to say held the potential to change our relationship, that it could change the course I'd carelessly decided to take after the night's events. It would if I was open-minded and strong enough to allow it.

"Bella, that first night we were together in the garage changed things for both of us, but it changed things for _all_ of me," Embry continued, his eyes willing me to take in every word he was speaking. "The wolf knew my choice before I even made it and he never stopped pushing me toward you because he knew _you_ were my choice. That's why it was so hard to ignore what was happening and why it was so hard to let you push me away because he wanted you, too — he needed you just as much as I did, and he needs you just as much as I do _now_." His hand was back on my face, trailing each finger in a delicate pattern along my cheekbone until they grazed the hair tucked just above my ear. They continued their path down the skin and traced the curve of my neck. "He _wants_ you as much as I do now because you're as much a part of him as you are of me."

"Embry," I breathed as the skin on my neck tingled beneath his fingers. Every word made sense. It wasn't a promise, but it was as close to one as he was able to give. It was as much reassurance as he could grant me, and he was offering it with every part of his being and every single part of his soul.

And as all my silly doubts dissolved one by one — doubts that seemed so insignificant as he allowed his eyes to become a window to everything he felt and everything he saw — it was enough for me.

Embry's other hand came up and mirrored the action of the one before it, and I let myself lean into his touch, craving the same connection and wanting to do what I could to prove I belonged to him as well.

"So, no," he whispered, "it's _not_ going to happen because, Bella, you're all he sees — you're all _I_ see, and I love _you_ too much to let you go for something that will never happen."

My breath caught in my throat but I didn't have time to recover as Embry leaned forward, stealing what little air was left in my lungs as he cradled my face between his hands and smiled just before he gently pressed his lips to mine. I instantly relaxed in his grasp, my mouth moving familiarly and gingerly against his as I felt my arms lift and drape around his neck, his closeness — his heat — slowly infiltrating every exposed part of my body.

It didn't take long before I felt the weight of his body against mine, my mouth opening to his as one arm curled around my waist and he slowly lowered me to his bed. I allowed him to guide me and I welcomed the home we found among the disheveled sheets and twisted blankets.

My eyes fluttered open and I watched Embry as his warmth disappeared from my lips, his eyes black as he positioned himself over me. One hand sought out mine as our fingers laced together and he lifted it above my head, the other gently pushing the hair back from my forehead as he leaned down, dragging his lips slowly down the length of my cheek.

"You're so beautiful," he whispered, his breath fanning out across my skin just before I turned my face slightly, allowing my mouth to capture his once again.

Heat gathered beneath my eyelids as his tongue traced leisurely patterns against mine. I felt him release my hand as his fingers flitted against the palm of my own before traveling lower to the hem of my shirt. A sharp gasp left my throat as his palms grazed my stomach, pushing the fabric up my body as he did. Arching my back, I leaned slightly off the bed, allowing him to remove the piece of clothing before he tossed it to the floor.

The entire time he undressed me — lovingly, gradually, like we had all the time in the world — my eyes never left his. He was the only thing I could think of, the only thing on which I was focused. For the first time, there was no hesitation, no confusion and no doubt. There was nothing telling me this was wrong.

There was nothing else but Embry.

The sheets beneath me cool against my exposed skin, I studied him and he did the same, even as he peeled his own shirt from his body. I let my eyes drink in every detail, memorizing every curve of his frame and each dip in the muscles covering it as he leaned forward, his breath ghosting across my lips as he drew closer to me. Taking his face softly between my hands, I brushed my lips against his with an agonizing gentleness, savoring the sweet taste of him and reveling in the heat caused by the contact as it spread through every inch of my body.

Embry let himself enjoy it for a moment before he pulled away, dipping his face into the crook of my neck where he planted smooth, hot kisses just near my pulse. His hands drew intricate patterns on my skin as he ventured lower, his tongue trailing along my clavicle and over the swell of my breast. My breath hitched and for a moment I thought he would stop but he kept going, his mouth causing goose bumps to erupt as he traveled his way down my stomach, leaving no part of it untouched.

Mouth open and eyes closed instinctively, I felt his hand between my thighs, urging them apart with a tender, wordless request. As he settled between him, I shuddered as his other hand left my knee and traveled the length of my thigh to my hip where he curled his fingers and grazed the tips back down the entire length of it.

"Embry..." His name was a breathless whisper as it fell from my lips. His hands were everywhere and in all the right places, exploring every inch of a body already anticipating this, already craving it with a desire that had every nerve within me ready, waiting and aching to be touched again.

Already, it was too much and not enough all at the same time.

I opened my eyes just in time to see Embry's head dip once more as he chanced a taste. My back arched almost instantly as his tongue worked its way up, savoring as he drug it painstakingly over the tiny bundle of nerves at my center. A desperate groan escaped my lips as my fingers curled into the sheets beneath me.

My eyes closed once more as his mouth continued to move and the heat behind my eyelids erupted into shades of red. A familiar feeling twisted in the depths of my stomach and with each ministration he made — each change in pace and pressure — the tightening grew into an insatiable burn and I knew I was close.

Just as I was ready to let myself fall over the edge, Embry rose to his knees. A shiver visibly laced its way through my body as I watched him lick his lips through blurry eyes. "Not yet," he whispered, one corner of his mouth turned up in a slight, satisfied smile.

I chewed on the inside of my lip impatiently as I let one hand travel down my chest, feeling the thin sheen of sweat already collecting on my body. Watching Embry as he unbuttoned his jeans, I couldn't tear my eyes from his beautiful body as he pushed his way out of them. I needed him so much closer – I craved the wholeness he offered and I wanted to give again the part of me that only belonged to him.

In response to my silent demand, Embry painstakingly crawled his way up my body, his fingers trailing up the spaces of flesh between my ribcage as he once again rested between my legs. Reaching up, I twisted my fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck and smiled when his eyes closed inherently in response to my touch.

I let my own eyes shut as Embry's face dipped toward me, leaving a light kiss on my forehead, followed by each one of my cheeks. My face wrinkled and I giggled as he kissed my nose in a moment of playfulness just before he covered my lips with his, the lightheartedness replaced with an anticipant fire the same moment I felt his hand grip the back of my thigh and guide it to his hip.

I pulled him closer to me the same moment his body pushed forward to join with mine. Head pressing roughly back against the pillow, my mouth fell open against Embry's lips. My fingers dug into his shoulder as he peppered kisses along my jawline, holding himself where he was as he patiently waited before retreating and pushing back into me again.

In the infinite moments following, I let my body surrender to his hands and his movements as I did what I could to match them. Hands caressed slick skin and lips lovingly found solace wherever they could. The heat hung heavy in the small room, the silence only punctuated by the sounds of gasping words and labored breaths as we finalized a declaration we may not have been ready for but felt and believed with every fiber inside us.

There was no outside world. There was nothing outside this moment. There was only me and there was only Embry. There was only this unexpected love joining four hands, two hearts and two souls into one beautifully flawed whole.

The friction was entrancing and the feel of Embry buried inside me, over and over, was familiar and new and maddening all in the span of a breath. I clung to him, his name a whisper swept away by his mouth as the edge I'd reached earlier once again drew near. My body trembled as Embry's fingers massaged my skin, as his body urged me toward an end so close I could practically taste it in the dryness of my mouth.

But instead, it washed over me before I could prepare for it, my muscles clenching as the waves of heat crawled magnificently through my veins and my fingers curled roughly into Embry's hair. I couldn't breathe, my body drowning as my vision clouded, the sound leaving my throat one I'd never heard even as Embry continued through it.

The silence after he found his own release was welcome as we both returned to earth, one we didn't mind so much before Embry let his forehead rest against mine, his eyes open and searching. There was nothing in mine but the adoration I'd always felt toward him as I rubbed my fingers through the damp strands of hair above his eyes. A smile spread across his lips before he leaned down and kissed me softly, pulling away a second later despite his lips and breath still brushing against mine.

"I love you, Bella."

A second wave of warmth flooded through me, except this one wasn't as intense before. This was comfort. It was a reassurance.

It was a promise of life filled with a beautiful choice.

In that moment, Embry pulled back and collapsed against my body. The home he'd found, his head between my breasts and his breath causing my overheated skin to tingle as I stroked the back of his head was reminiscent of the first time. I enjoyed but didn't savor. There would be more of this because we were right where we needed to be.

Right where we wanted to be.


	25. Pieces

_**Suggested Listening: "Pieces" by Cider Sky, "Gravity" by Embrace, "Blow It All Away" by Sia** _

The first thing I registered as my eyelids fluttered open – before they could adjust to the unfiltered light pouring through the windows, dulled by what was certainly a thick layer of gray clouds – was the cool, early October breeze coming through open screen as it danced across my face.

But in the next moment, the coolness brought with it a familiar warmth, ushering the heat toward me as I felt it beneath my hands and entangled between my limbs. A thin, cotton sheet was the only thing separating me from searing flesh. With each moment it grew as my senses came alive with the rest of my body.

His scent was next, the woodsy sweetness invading my nostrils the first time I stirred, curling into the smell as I drew in a long, deep breath. It filled my stomach with a familiar flutter, an exhilarating feeling that curled its way through my body until it reached my mouth, physically tangible in the form of a slight, wry smile.

I had yet to open my eyes as I buried my nose in the skin over his ribs. Smiling, I brushed it over the subtle dips as I let my fingers crawl over his stomach, allowing each one to explore the flesh just below his belly button before I stretched my arm around the curve of his hip.

Finally opening my eyes, the dull morning light flooded my sight as I peered up, watching his chest rise and fall with easy, even breaths as he slept. Without hesitation, I pressed my smiling lips against his chest. Leaving a soft, open-mouthed kiss in its wake, I could taste the saltiness of his skin on my lips.

This was what I enjoyed most, the seconds just after I awoke and the moments before he did. It gave me a just enough time to take it all in, to be thankful to whatever twisted, unpredictable god put us both on the course that landed us in this moment — that brought us right here, in this too-small bed, wrapped up in each other.

And these were the moments that gave me just enough time to commit to memory every piece of what it was I loved about Embry Call.

My hurried confession to him days earlier hadn't been an afterthought and now – especially in these quiet moments just after the dawn – I realized how close I'd come to throwing it away, how close I'd come to casting it all aside as I let my fear get the better of me _again_.

But I wasn't afraid – not anymore. While I still didn't know what the future held for us, I'd made my choice just like Embry had. It was a selfish choice but I didn't care. While I knew he could still imprint – while I knew there were no guarantees – I was willing to take all the time I could. I would let him love me, and I'd love _him_ with everything I had until our minutes ran out. I'd do it because the possibility of limited moments with him were worth so much more than a lifetime without them.

Without _him_.

And lately, there were moments of which I couldn't get enough.

My smile spread as I shifted beside him, lifting up one elbow just enough to push my body off the bed. Hitching one leg across his waist, I silently rose up on my knees so I was straddling his still sleeping body, the sheet falling around my hips as I did. His breathing lessened and was more erratic as I tried my best not to jostle him, a grin pulling at the corner of my mouth as I leaned forward on my hands, pressing my mouth again his clavicle once, twice, three times.

A small groan rumbled inside Embry's throat as his body released a fluid jolt beneath mine. Leaning down farther so my chest was flush with his and to keep from being inadvertently dumped on the floor, I rested my chin on his sternum as I watched one hand drift lazily to his face as he rubbed his eyes. A moment later, he let his hand fall to the pillow as his eyes opened just a crack. The bleary look of sleep on his face was instantly overshadowed by his grin.

"What time is it?" he croaked as I felt the fingers on his other hand absentmindedly stroke my bare hip. "No, wait – hold that thought. Knowing you, it's way too damn early and we just need to go back to sleep."

Pressing my cheek against his chest, I could faintly make out the thumping of his heart as my finger drew small circles on his bicep. "It's early, and I got a lot of stuff to do today," I murmured, using my fingernail to write my name across his skin.

"So don't," he retorted quietly, his long, calloused fingers now traveling down the length of my outer thigh.

"I have to," I argued begrudgingly, my breath deflected as it fanned out across his skin. "It's past eight. We can't sleep the whole day away."

With another groan, I suddenly found both of Embry's hands planted firmly on my hips as he slid me easily up his torso so my face was even with his. Smiling, I instinctively leaned down and pressed my mouth to his, tasting the sweetness of his lips with a slow, explorative kiss. I felt my body start to heat from within, awakening my senses further with an agonizing slowness as his fingers left trails down my spine. A moment later, I was enveloped by warmth from the outside as well when he wrapped his arms completely around my body, effectively trapping me against his chest.

"It's Sunday," he countered as he pulled away just an inch, a shiver fanning through my body as his lips still brushed against mine. "It's the day of rest. We're not supposed to do _anything_ today."

"Tell that to Charlie," I replied teasingly as I stretched my neck to kiss the tip of his nose. "You should see the to-do list he left me."

Embry grunted in disapproval as I watched him, his eyes closing petulantly as he did. "The only thing you have to do today is stay right here." This time, I felt his hand at the nape of my neck, his fingers twisting gently through my hair. "Because _this_?" His eyes snapped open as a smirk erupted on his mouth, his other hand motioning to where I was perched on top of him. " _This_ is not fair. Waking me up like _this_ and then telling me you have to leave is not fair."

With a sigh and a smile, I rose up on my knees and leaned forward once again, effectively silencing him with another swift kiss. This time though I let my lips drift from his mouth, tracing the outline of his jaw as my mouth made a trail toward his ear and my hand explored the dips and curve of the muscles in his shoulder. As I nipped at Embry's earlobe with my teeth, his breath hitched and I couldn't help the chuckle that escaped my throat.

"No one said I was leaving right this second," I whispered into his ear as I felt goosebumps erupt beneath my fingers.

Embry's breathing quickly became labored as I heard the distinct smacking of his tongue sweeping over his lips. "Good, because yeah...this is totally _not_..."

With a flick of my tongue to his ear, I slid my free hand down his body and reached between his legs, silencing him with a squeeze. Muscles tensing beneath me, Embry gasped and I grinned against his neck.

"Not fair," he squeaked breathlessly.

Shifting my body, I leaned back, partially sitting up on my knees. My smile widened as I let my hands travel gradually across the planes of his chest, watching the look of reverie on Embry's features the entire time I did. He was shaking his head in wonder, eyes following me intently as he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth.

Embry's fingers curled around my thighs, grasping the skin hungrily as my hands braced against his chest. Rising up just enough, I rocked back with my hips and lowered myself on to him in one swift, fluid movement.

His face scrunched in fierce concentration, Embry's mouth fell open slightly at the same moment I felt every inch of him fill me completely. My fingers dug into his chest as I let the heat spread slowly, filling the rest of me as it did.

"Fuck, Bella," Embry groaned the same instant I moved my hips against his, a small, satisfied smile pulling at the corner of my mouth.

This time though Embry didn't wait as he pulled me down against his chest, his mouth seeking out mine hungrily as his hips flexed and I rocked back against them. My fingers raked across his scalp as I breathed in the already heady smell of sweat forming in the air.

I pulled away, letting my mouth ghost across the side of his face as his hands splayed across my back. "Still think this isn't fair?" I whispered enticingly into his skin.

Embry's response was a violent shudder beneath my hands as a feral growl worked its way up his throat. Before I could register the shift, Embry sat up in one agile movement, holding my body flush against his chest with one arm. My mouth fell open and my breath left me in a rough exhale as he pushed harder into me and I clung to him, his motions eliciting a familiar burn deep inside my body.

I barely noticed as Embry opened his mouth to respond, stopping him as my lips covered his and swallowed the words. I trembled as a pair of hands pulled me impossibly closer, as all the pieces came together in one single moment.

It was a moment that made me forget if only for a second, everything that led up to it and everything that was sure to follow.

* * *

"So have you talked to Paul or Rachel lately?"

I snuck a quick glance over my shoulder to where Embry was padding from his bedroom, pulling a t-shirt over his head and running his fingers through his hair to smooth the disheveled strands. He cocked his head in my direction curiously as he veered toward the kitchen.

"I just saw Paul yesterday," Embry replied, skidding to a stop in front of the refrigerator and casting me one more cursory glance before swinging the door open and peering in to survey its contents. "Why?"

I shrugged, turning away from him as I let my gaze sweep distractedly over the living room of his small home. To an outsider, it would be easy to assume Embry lived alone or was simply taking care of the house while its owner was away. Aside from the standard furniture though – a tiny television and its stand pushed into the corner near the window and an armchair placed near the opposite side – anyone who knew better could tell the house definitely had more of a woman's touch than any home Embry would call his own.

A crocheted afghan was thrown over the back of the armchair and there was a large plant placed in front of the window. A romance novel was resting on the coffee table and was open with its pages facing down, saving someone's place for a later date despite the fact a thin layer of dust clung to the curling, paperback covers. Pictures hung on the wall, some of people I had never met and others that looked more like school portraits – photos of a little boy with caramel skin, unruly black hair and a goofy grin pulled back to reveal a missing front tooth.

Ignoring the automatic smile spreading across my mouth, I came back to the present as I remembered my question. "I was just wondering how they were doing with the whole imprint thing," I asked quietly, turning slightly so I could watch Embry.

Embry was popping the lid off a container of leftover macaroni and cheese as he shrugged nonchalantly. "From Paul's end? Pretty typical. His mind used to be a steady stream of sex and snark – now it's sex, snark and _Rachel_."

My fingers brushed my mouth as it released a chuckle. "So it hasn't really changed him too much?"

Sticking a fork in the food and stirring it, Embry smirked before shaking his head. "No, not really. He's still the same old Paul, just with a different focus than before." Bringing the container up to his nose, Embry raised his eyebrows as he gave it a quick sniff. Shrugging one more time, he stabbed a huge bite of noodles with his fork before shoving it in his mouth. "I think they're going on a date though."

My eyes widened, surprised at the sudden bit of news. "Really?"

Embry nodded as he swallowed. "I think Rachel just got sick and tired of Paul bugging her about it for the past week. He kept dropping by the Clearwaters unannounced and said he was gonna keep doing it till she at least agreed to dinner."

I rolled my eyes. It was typical Paul to throw patience out the window in most normal situations. His case with Rachel was no exception. He knew as well as everyone else Rachel wasn't going to simply bend and succumb to the imprint, so if he sat idly by Rachel would be content to let him for as long as she could get away with it.

But in this case, his persistence seemed to have paid off.

"Doesn't really surprise me though," Embry continued, shoving another huge bite in his mouth. "It was only a matter of time before she gave in."

"So it's that easy? Just like that and she's okay with it?"

Embry's shoulders rose and fell as he processed the words. "Not necessarily. An imprint doesn't have to be romantic. She might go on a date with him, be repelled by his table manners and decide there's no way in hell she could spend the rest of her life with someone who stopped picking up social cues in the fourth grade and uses his knife as a toothpick."

This time I laughed, and Embry shot me a saccharine grin before taking another bite. "You're horrible," I chuckled.

"Not horrible," he retorted, "just telling the truth. But hey – some girls are into the whole neanderthal thing, so whatever works." Sighing, Embry peered into the empty container before turning and taking a step to his right before placing it in the sink. "You ready to go?"

Nodding, I drug myself to the edge of the couch and stood, smoothing my shirt as I watched Embry casually approach me. "You really sure you want to spend your Sunday helping me do housework?"

"Only if you promise I don't have to do the dishes." As he reached me, Embry let his hands slide up my arms until they cupped my cheeks. Leaning forward, he left a quick, relaxed kiss on my lips before pulling away and mimicking the action on the tip of my nose. "And if it gets you done quicker and means we get to spend more of the day together _not_ doing housework, I'm all for it."

Bringing my hands up and covering his with mine, I leaned into his touch and let the warmth of his palm soak into my cheek. "Be careful what you wish for – I'm pretty sure Charlie may have left mowing on the list," I urged as I raised an eyebrow, knowing full well excursions with any fast-moving blade were never left on my list of things to do.

Sweeping the pad of his thumb over my cheekbone, Embry shot me a subtle wink before letting his hands drop lazily back to his sides. "It's done," he murmured.

I followed Embry on to the front porch, the mild yet damp air invading my lungs as I took a deep breath and looked up at the sky. "I really hope the sun comes out today," I sighed, still gazing forlornly at the thick, grey cloud cover as I descended the steps. "I kinda wanted to get the Mustang washed..."

But just as I faced forward to make sure I wasn't about to trip over a stray tree branch or something any normal person would deem harmless, I realized Embry had already stopped in front of me, his body rigid and completely unmoving.

Only a single word fell from his lips.

"Shit."

The word jarred me as my hand shot out and landed on the small of his back. Grabbing hold of his forearm with the other, I peered around his body, not bothering to follow his gaze to where it was focused and certainly not paying any mind to the approaching sound of a car motor. "What? 'Shit' what, Em?" I asked, chancing a glance at his concentrated expression. "What's wrong?"

Embry groaned the same time I registered the sound of crunching gravel beneath car tires. This time I let my eyes follow his stare as I noticed a dilapidated, tan sedan creeping down the driveway toward where we both stood. My mouth fell open slightly and my fingers curled around Embry's arm as I watched the car approach, making a sharp turn to the right before parking next to the Mustang. Squinting, I tried to see through the windshield as the car came to a stop. The only thing I could make out was a feminine frame sitting behind the steering wheel and a strikingly familiar pair of dark, piercing eyes peering directly into mine.

It suddenly registered the moment the car's engine came to a stop – the same moment my stomach lurched with a sudden wave of nervous anxiety.

My mouth was dry as I swept my tongue across the back of my lips, giving Embry's arm an unconscious squeeze. "Em...who is that?"

Embry took a deep breath and released it slowly, almost as if he was cleansing his body of its own unease.

"It's my mom."

My heart stuttered for just a moment, a response I should have anticipated for a moment like this. Regardless, I wasn't sure I was supposed to be nervous, but I couldn't help the sudden barrage of questions and insecurities running rampant through my mind. Did she know about me? What would she think about me being with Embry? Would she _like_ me?

Sensing my hesitance, Embry took a step forward and twisted his body slightly, peering down at me as one corner of his lip curled up in a half-smile. "Gimme your keys?"

Tearing my eyes from the car in front of me, I pushed a trembling hand into my pocket before my fingers wrapped around the cool metal of the key ring. Pulling them out, I swiftly dropped them into Embry's outstretched hand. Before turning, he let his eyes sweep past my face and over the rest of me, pausing for one extra moment just below my neck as his mouth fell open slightly and his eyes clouded. I watched him and almost spoke up before the words finally fell from his mouth. "Alright, let's go." He tossed the keys to his opposite hand before reaching down and taking mine as I suddenly felt myself being pulled toward the Mustang.

"Embry," I protested quietly as I trotted to keep up with him. Nerves were one thing, but I wasn't about to be rude by simply taking off. "Shouldn't we say hi or something?"

Embry shook his head without so much as a glance back at me. "No, really, that's okay – my mom's kind of a pain in the ass when she comes back from Neah Bay."

I blinked at Embry's back in disbelief, his uncharacteristic dismissal of his mother more than a little surprising as he practically towed me to my car. I didn't have time to protest further though before I heard the sound of a car door slam.

"So you're just gonna run off without so much as a hello to your mother?"

By this point, we'd made it as far as the Mustang's hood before Embry stopped abruptly, releasing a sigh that probably was only audible to me. His fingers slowly dropped mine before he let his arm fall to his side, turning to face the source of the voice. "Hey, Mom."

I was only a moment behind him when I turned as well, allowing myself a chance to finally see the woman behind the eyes that had been my focus, eyes identical to ones in which I was so used to getting lost.

Bathed by what little light we were afforded through the thick cloud cover and partially obscured behind the other car was a middle-aged Native American woman. She held a purse, a canvas tote and two grocery bags in her hands, and she was definitely assessing the situation with a careful and skeptical glance while I appraised her in return.

Her skin was the same shade of copper as Embry's, although not as smooth. From where I stood I could see the wrinkles forming by the corners of her eyes and near her mouth. High and defined cheekbones were hooded with eyes dark like onyx, outlined by thick and pronounced eyebrows. Her hair was pulled back in a messy bun and strands outlined her face, speckled with faint traces of grey.

Taking her in for a moment, I almost lost my breath at the sheer magnificence of the woman's ethnic features. She was a stunning mix of youthful beauty and wisdom.

The woman cocked one of her eyebrows, her magnetic gaze taking me in for a moment before shifting to Embry as she readjusted the bags on her shoulder. "Didn't mean to crash the party," she murmured, the eyebrow rising impossibly higher.

For no explainable reason other than her unconfirmed insinuation, my cheeks caught fire as my eyes fell to the ground. Curling my arms tightly across my body, I was mortified to my very core and almost certain I could feel the redness in my face spreading down my neck and fanning across my chest.

"You're not crashing anything," Embry muttered as I watched him uncomfortably shift his weight from one foot to the other. "We were just on our way out."

The beautifully sullen woman cocked her eyebrow again, and it was becoming easy to see from whom Embry had inherited that trademark expression. After a moment she chuckled, shaking her head as she deposited the shopping bags on the car hood. I watched her curiously and as politely as I could as she took the few necessary steps before rounding her car and approaching us.

"Damn, boy, I swear you forget all your manners when I'm around," she remarked, her eyes now trained on me. It took everything I had not to avoid her intense stare as she came closer, her jaw tight and her features concentrating as she did. "And I know I taught you better than that. Who's your friend?" This time, her expectant gaze shifted to her son.

Following her eyes, my hand raised to my chest and my fingers distractedly traced the chain of my pendant, which was inadvertently tucked under the collar of my shirt. Embry's gaze shifted toward me swiftly before refocusing on his mother. "Mom, this is Bella Swan."

His mother chose that moment to once again seek me out with those keen, weathered eyes. "Bella Swan? Chief Swan's daughter?"

Managing a shy smile, I nodded as I held her gaze. "Yes, ma'am."

She released another sideways glance at Embry before bringing her eyes back to me skeptically. "Aren't you the one who used to date Jacob Black?"

My gut sank at the same distinction I'd spent the past several weeks trying to shed as I heard Embry huff quietly beside me. "Mom..." His tone was laced with warning.

His mother only pressed her lips into a thin line, hesitating for a moment before she spoke again. "It was an innocent question, Embry," she assured pointedly and quickly, still watching me as she did. "He's talked about you before, Bella, but I didn't realize you two were close."

"Yes, ma'am," I repeated awkwardly, the automatic response falling from my lips before I had a chance to rethink the words.

Her eyebrow went up again and she released a throaty chuckle as her lips flirted with a smile. "Okay, the 'ma'am' stuff has gotta stop," she admitted with a slight shake of her head. After a few moments, she stepped forward and extended her hand. "I'm Tiffany Call."

My anxious ministrations on the pendant chain managed to dislodge it from my shirt, the gem falling down my chest as I released it, reaching my hand toward Embry's mother in return. "It's nice to meet you," I acknowledged genuinely as she accepted the gesture, offering a polite smile as she shook my hand weakly.

When I went to withdraw my hand, Tiffany held my fingers for a moment, surprising me. I could feel the remaining color bleed from my face as the awkwardness of the moment set it. However, it didn't take long for me to realize the feeling was not mutual. In fact, her concentration seemed to be elsewhere, her focus burning into the same spot Embry's had moments before he hurriedly pulled me off the porch toward the car.

Her mouth fell open but no sound came out as she continued to stare. The seconds passed by, one by one in silence before I shot a quick glance at Embry, who was watching the entire scene from my side. His expression was stoic and unyielding as his eyes followed his mother.

Confused, I retrained my gaze on Tiffany as she closed her lips, swallowing roughly as she shifted her eyes upward and forced another smile, causing the aged lines around her mouth to deepen. "That's a very pretty pendant, Bella," she spoke, the words quiet and steady as she finally released my hand.

Blinking at her, the tension lifted in one swift wave as my abandoned fingers instinctively sought out the piece of jewelry at my throat. "Thank you," I squeaked in acknowledgement.

"Did Embry give that you?" Her wide eyes bounced once again between her son and me.

It was my turn to swallow before I automatically nodded in response.

As soon as she registered my reply, I didn't miss Tiffany's cordial expression falter, a brief wave of something – an emotion that could only be likened to grief, to _regret_ – flash across her features. However, her eyes rapidly blinked it all back as she nodded, the expression of indifference quickly returning to her as she pushed the rapid change back where it came from.

The forced smile she gave me caused a shiver to lace up my spine.

"Well, you are one lucky girl, Bella," she finally spoke as she took a step back, immediately followed by another. "That's a pretty special piece of jewelry right there."

Smiling impulsively as I remembered back to my birthday – the night Embry gave it to me in hopes the gift would do more than just commemorate the passing of another year – my head bobbed in agreement as I momentarily forgot her reaction and how it was still grating at my insides. "Thank you – that's what I've been told."

Tiffany nodded aimlessly, her thoughts somewhere else as she took in my words. "Well, it's true." She paused for just a second, silently contemplating her next words. "Just please don't forget that..."

"Mom..." Embry's voice was a whispered plea from beside me as the one word permeated the air surrounding us and was lost just as quickly.

Tiffany smiled at her son as she stopped her retreat. "It was a long weekend, Embry. I'm going to catch a few hours of sleep before work tonight. You and Bella have fun. I'll see you sometime this week...hopefully." The smile fell from her lips slightly as she looked at me, nodding her farewell. "It was nice meeting you, Bella." With that, she turned her back, retrieving her bags from her car before starting toward the house.

"It was nice meeting you, too," I muttered to her retreating form.

Embry didn't utter a word as we climbed into the Mustang. Even as we pulled onto the main road, I didn't break the silence. As the familiar surroundings of La Push faded into the dense forest occupying the land between the reservation and Forks, I decided not to ask questions about the obvious reaction the pendant around my neck had sparked in his mother.

But like always, I didn't _have_ to ask.

"I'm sorry, Bella."

Bringing my gaze up from my hands, I peered at Embry who was focusing attentively on the wet road ahead of the car. His eyes were glassy as they shifted toward me for just a moment before darting back toward the road. Frowning, I reached across the center console and let my hand find a home on his thigh as I squeezed it reassuringly. "For what?" I murmured comfortingly.

Embry balled the hand not on the car's steering wheel into a fist before he brought it aimlessly to his mouth. "For my mom," he grumbled in response.

I let my palm rub aimless circles across the denim covering his leg. "Why? She seems really nice."

Embry paused as his fingers curled tighter around the steering wheel. "Yeah, she can be, but...the comment she made? About the necklace? I _am_ sorry about that, Bella. She just doesn't know you, so it's easy for her to..."

"Em..." I interrupted him with a comforting squeeze to his thigh. "It's okay." Taking a deep breath, I watched Embry's face visibly relax as he swallowed, moving his free hand to the wheel before letting the opposite one drop to his lap. It took only a moment for it to seek out mine as his blazing fingers completely encased my hand.

"Did she have a pendant like this once, too?" I ventured hesitantly.

Another thick swallow caused Embry's Adam's apple to bob. After a few agonizingly long seconds, he tore his eyes from the road and sought out mine. Insistence and uncertainty sparked within them.

"It _was_ her pendant, Bells."

My mouth fell open without my permission at his unexpected confession. I instantly rummaged through my mind for something – any clue Embry had given me to indicate _that's_ where the pendant came from – but every direction my thoughts went came up short. The only thing I could remember was his response as he stood behind me in Emily's craft room on a day that seemed so long ago, the memory of warm fingers brushing against the skin of my neck still fresh in my mind.

_"Ask me again someday and I'll tell you where it came from."_

But I'd never asked, and he'd never told me.

But now I knew, and Tiffany Call's reaction suddenly made a little more sense.

"Embry, did she know you took it and gave it to me?" I asked in breathless disbelief, the pendant suddenly feeling heavier around my neck.

Embry's face screwed up in confusion as he shot a skeptical glance in my direction. "Took it? Bella, I didn't _take_ anything. My mom gave me that pendant a long time ago." His stare lingered for an extra moment, gauging my initial reaction before he refocused his eyes on the road.

"Gave it to you?" I asked quietly, urging him for more explanation.

Embry nodded. "She gave it to me a couple years ago on my 16th birthday." He drew in a deep breath of air but kept his gaze ahead of him. "It was given to her once, too, and she had it for a really long time, but she never wore it. She always had it in a jewelry box she kept hidden in the bottom drawer of her dresser. But that year, she took it out and she gave it to me." He paused again, chewing nervously on the inside of his lip.

Turning my hand around in his, I laced my fingers through his and squeezed. "Who gave it to her?"

A moment passed as he let his eyes fall for just a second before they darted back up, first to me and then the pane of glass in front of him. "Honestly? I don't know – she never told me that. She just said it was given to her and it was important, and when she gave it to me, she told me it was _especially_ important that I hang on to it – that I keep it until I..." It was his turn to squeeze my fingers. "...until I found a woman worthy of giving it to — one who would always know what it meant to her and would know that I'd always be there for her." He peered at me again, a small smile pulling at the corner of his lips. "And that no matter what, I'd always love her."

My heart twisted and somehow managed to simultaneously leap into my throat as soon as Embry's words left his lips. Until that moment, I'd never really given a second thought to the significance of the little piece of charoite that hung from a simple silver chain around my neck, as much a part of my everyday life as the clothes I wore and the air I breathed. Before it had simply been a gift, a token of strength Embry had given me in a time when I was struggling to find it myself.

But now I was realizing it wasn't just important to me and it had meant more to others beyond myself. It was important to Embry and at one time, it had been important to the only other woman in Embry's life. And it wasn't just a gift – he'd given it as a pledge.

He'd given it as yet another promise to me.

Leaning my head against the back of the passenger seat, I let out a long, languid breath as I watched Embry turn the steering wheel as we pulled off the main highway into Forks. "Do you think she's upset you gave it to me?"

Embry blinked as he released my hand, reaching up to absentmindedly push the hair from his eyes. "I don't think she's upset, Bells. I mean, me and my mom don't see eye to eye on a lot of things but it's like I said – she doesn't know you, and she always made sure I understood it was _my_ choice." This time, he let his hand fall back to mine, gently taking it between his fingers before lifting it to his mouth and pressing a soft kiss to the back of my knuckles. "At least I hope she's not," he continued, his breath hot on my skin as the spark of disappointment resonated in his tone, revealing at least part of the reason he'd tried to get us out of there so suddenly.

 _He_ knew I was worthy of the necklace. His mother, however, did not – at least not yet – and even I could tell it was all he wanted.

But Embry knowing was all I needed.

Taking a deep breath as a protective and delirious warmth curled through my veins, I caught his eye just long enough to give him a reassuring smile.

"I love you, Embry Call," I murmured softly, projecting every ounce of sincerity I could into the words. "And you love me, and that's enough. It will _always_ be enough."

The smile playing on his lips was set free as he snuck an affectionate glance in my direction, chuckling as he brought my fingers to his lips one last time.

The two of us were silent as we drove through Forks. The only sound came from the Mustang's blinker when Embry switched it on as he turned the car onto my street. I knew Charlie was working so I wasn't expecting to see his cruiser in the driveway. I was, however, surprised to see another vehicle sitting in its place, a Chevy pickup I didn't recognize.

Casting a curious glance at Embry, his brow furrowed as he too studied the truck and the front yard surrounding it. It took a moment before a wave of recollection washed over his features.

"What the hell is Leah doing here?"

We pulled into the driveway a moment later and I didn't wait for Embry to shut off the car before I swung open the door and clambered out of the Mustang. I'd barely turned around before I was greeted with a perpetually snappy voice I'd recognize anywhere.

"Jesus Christ, did you two stop to bang at every single mile marker or what? About damn time you got here."

Slamming shut the passenger side door of the Mustang, I cocked an eyebrow in the general direction of my front porch, one that was unexpectedly occupied by Leah Clearwater, someone I definitely hadn't expected to be waiting for us on the steps of my home in Forks, let alone at all. Yet there she was, her steely gaze searching us out unabashedly the moment the Mustang pulled into view as she sat on the top step, picking absentmindedly at her fingernails.

Embry shot me a hasty glance over the top of the car before he shut his door as well. He started toward the porch and I followed him, watching Leah as she rolled her eyes at the silence.

"Hey," I greeted, flashing her a smile from my spot behind Embry. "What are you doing here?"

"Watching your fucking bushes wilt," Leah responded pointedly, staring at me blankly for a moment before she chuckled. "Honestly? I couldn't handle being around Rachel's cheery, imprinted ass anymore so I took off. Wasn't sure where else to go and since you weren't at _his_ house..." She gave Embry a look of mock indignation.

"Is she still staying at your place?" I asked curiously as we reached the steps.

"Yup," Leah said matter-of-factly, kicking a pebble off the porch with her shoe. "She's still saying she can't stay at Billy's house with no one else there. Too many bad memories or some shit like that..."

I sighed as Embry and I exchanged a glance. He smiled as his eyes bounced toward the front door. "I'm gonna go inside and find that list. Maybe there's something I can get started on," he spoke up, shoving his hands in his pockets as he started up the stairs.

Leah snickered as he passed her, purposely knocking her elbow into his shin, which prompted him to knee her in the bicep. "Aww, is Swan turning you all domestic, Call? That's cute. Do you wear an apron when you do her laundry, too?"

"Fuck off, Leah," Embry spat out, but his shoulders shook with laughter as he opened the door to the house and let himself in.

Sighing, I walked up the first three stairs before collapsing on the porch next to Leah. "So what's wrong then? Can only handle so much optimism in one day?"

Leah scowled as she propped her elbows against her knees. "Fuck yes," she ground out between clenched teeth. "You know, probably the thing I hate most about imprinting – despite the obvious taking away all your choice and free will and its life-ruining tendencies and shit like that – is how disgustingly _happy_ it makes people. Like life is suddenly all puppies and unicorns and fucking rainbows. Seriously – it's not natural to be that god damn chipper all the time."

"So it sounds like the imprint's really gotten to Rachel?" I asked quietly, lacing my fingers together in my lap.

Leah groaned. "Well, no – I'm probably making it sound worse than it is because my tolerance for other people's happiness is pretty shit-tastic, but she does talk about Paul quite a lot and every single time she does, her face lights up like a god damn Christmas tree. She can't see it and probably doesn't even know she's doing it, but it's there. Did Call tell you she agreed to go on a date with him?" she rambled, throwing a more than disgusted glance in my direction.

I nodded. "Yeah, he mentioned it."

"Stupid fucking Rachel," Leah muttered at no one in particular. "Just once I'd like to see an imprint tell one of the guys to go fuck themselves, you know? They say imprints get a choice whether they want to accept it, but I've never seen it. Just once I'd like to see them shrug it off and opt out of this mess."

"You really think they can do that?" I questioned, my face screwing up in genuine curiosity as I glanced at Leah out of my peripheral vision.

Leah's boisterous laugh caused me to jump. "I have no idea, but it sure is an interesting theory."

Smiling, I let my eyes drop to the ground below us before shifting my gaze back to Leah. "So is that really why you're here?"

Leah's mouth twisted in contemplation as she stared off into space. "Part of it – Rachel really _is_ driving me crazy, and I can't really phase or go running to get away from it since Paul's on patrol right now." She sighed defeatedly before meeting my stare. "That, and I guess I kinda wanted to make sure you were getting through all this imprint bullshit as unscathed as possible."

I felt an automatic grin pull at the corner of my mouth in response to Leah's concern which, no matter how many times I knew she'd try to deny it in the next few minutes, I also knew was genuine. "It freaked me out a little at first," I admitted quietly, "but Embry and I worked through it."

"Good deal," Leah replied, brushing a lock of hair behind her ear. "You're not an imprint, Swan, so you're riding by the seat of your pants hoping some random bitch doesn't come along and ruin it, and I won't lie – it's been driving me batshit crazy knowing how you were probably freaking out about this because that's what you like to do – freak out." She paused to take a deep breath before eyeing me incredulously. " _Are_ you freaking out?"

Remembering the brief moment of weakness that could easily be defined as freaking out, I shook my head. "No – at least not anymore."

"Good," Leah replied pointedly. "Keep it that way. Don't go fucking it up now with all your over-thinking and crazy talk, okay?" She looked at me imploringly, awaiting my response with wide, insistent eyes.

I offered her a certain, comforting smile in return. "I know, Leah – I got all the over-thinking out of my system, but we're good now, I promise." Leaning to my right, I nudged her with my shoulder. "But I'm touched that you care," I teased.

"Ugh," Leah moaned at the sky. "Yeah, I care. So sue me for actually wanting this little deal with you and Call to work out just so I can see the looks on everyone's face when it _doesn't_ turn sour – for more reasons than imprinting, too." Shaking her head, Leah jumped swiftly to her feet before I had a chance to respond, making the leap down the stairs in one lithe, effortless bound. "So what's on this to-do list Call was talking about? You gotta give me something to do, Swan. I swear to God – I need at least four hours without Paul's ass or smile inadvertently sneaking its way into a conversation. I get to see enough of that in person without hearing about it every ten minutes in my own fucking house."

Resting my chin on my closed fist, I grinned at Leah. At this rate, my chores were going to be done before lunchtime. "You like grocery shopping?" I ventured tentatively, raising a curious eyebrow in her direction.

"Just call me Rachael Ray, Swan – give me a list and I'll make all your culinary dreams come true."

* * *

"Are you going home after we get done?"

I glanced at Embry expectantly over my shoulder as I wedged a big, red plastic bucket under the kitchen faucet. Although Leah was still at the grocery store, Embry and I had managed to power our way through a majority of the chore list in under an hour and a half. I did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen and started a couple loads of laundry, while Embry went to work with the broom and dust rag, veering off course only a couple times when I assigned him a couple odd jobs like changing the light bulb in the upstairs hallway – the one Charlie couldn't reach without getting out a ladder.

As I now watched him concentrating way too hard on ripping apart a bagel at my kitchen table, it still made me shake my head in pleasurable disbelief how after everything – after all the changes and missteps we'd taken in our relationship – we'd managed to find this comfortable, unquestionable spot in each other's lives. It still surprised me how easily – how _seamlessly_ – we fit together.

Being with Embry was comfortable. It was natural. It was _right_. Even in moments like this, caught up in ritual and routine, every second – no matter how mundane – was too much yet completely not enough.

And even now, it left me breathless how much I adored him – how much I _loved_ this person I never expected to, this man who could make my world stop with just a simple smile.

Embry broke me out of my reverie with a chuckle, despite the fact he didn't look up from his bagel. "Do you want me to?"

"Of course not!" I exclaimed, turning away from him as I focused on the task in front of me, turning the hot water on in order to fill the bucket. For the most part, the clouds outside were showing mercy in the form of no rain and I planned to take advantage of it by giving my car a quick bath.

A few silent moments passed as the bucket filled. Once the water hit the level I wanted, I quickly shut off the faucet before wrapping both hands tightly around the handle and lugging it gracelessly from the sink. Embry eyed me skeptically, more than likely betting with himself as to how far I'd make it before I tripped and water went everywhere. Much to his silent dismay, I made it to the front entryway without incident.

I smiled triumphantly as I sat the bucket next to the door. "Charlie's going to Hoquiam tonight after his shift – something about a retirement party for a cop buddy he has up there." I reached up and retrieved my jacket from the coat hook in the foyer before returning my expectant stare to Embry, who had stood up from the kitchen table and was now chewing thoughtfully on his bagel as he watched me.

"I was actually kind of thinking we could stay in here tonight," I ventured on as I slid into my jacket. "We could rent a couple movies from the gas station, get a pizza or something." I paused as I fiddled with the jacket's zipper, waiting for Embry's reaction to my plan.

Embry leaned lazily against the doorframe as he cocked an eyebrow. "A night in with Charlie's big screen? I'm totally game." His grin practically enveloped his face.

I laughed, the sound resonating in the small entryway. "What are you gonna do while I'm outside?" I asked quietly.

Embry shrugged as he swallowed a bite of bagel. "Are you hungry? I think I could manage making some sandwiches or something. That way we have something to eat when you get done."

I smiled at him as I bent over and awkwardly picked up the bucket. "That sounds amazing," I replied. "You wanna come out and help me when you're done making those?"

Taking a step forward, Embry reached up, taking my chin between his thumb and index finger. In one swift movement, he leaned forward and left a quick, tender kiss on my mouth. "I can do that," he whispered as he pulled away, leaning back against the wall as he hid his smirk behind another bite.

Once I finally made it outside, I sat the bucket next to the Mustang before trotting quickly to the garage. Humming to myself, I retrieved from Charlie's utility shelves a large sponge and a couple of old, clean towels mostly used to absorb motor oil and other vehicle excrement. With those things in hand, I moved to the side of the garage and retrieved the garden hose, grunting as I pulled on it in an effort to drag it toward my car.

After everything was where it needed to be, I continued humming to myself as I rinsed off the car, the small droplets of water from the hose leaving my skin cool as I brushed them off with my hand. Once finished, I bent over and picked up the submerged sponge from the bucket, attacking the car with the warm, soapy mixture.

As I worked, the hum quickly turned into a song as I started singing to no one in particular, bouncing to the rhythm of my own tune, my voice horribly off-key. I didn't care – no one was around and Embry was still in the house. I started singing louder.

I was happy. I was _buoyant_.

I was so lost in my little song and dance I didn't hear the sound of gravel crunching under footsteps as they approached me from behind.

"Bella?"

It was an automatic, instinctive response when my mouth snapped shut and I froze, completely unable to move. It was only a moment longer before I felt the color leave my face and in the same second, that one word caused my heart to stop beating.

So many different thoughts and emotions attacked my senses at once, yet I was completely numb. I couldn't feel a thing. All I _could_ feel was my world completely tilt off its axis in a single moment.

I recognized that word.

I knew that _voice_.

 _Damn it,_ _I knew that voice_.

I didn't want to turn around, but I had to. My body was forcing me to without waiting for my heart and my head to give it permission, and a smaller part of me – a part I had silenced and forced into a far corner of my being – needed to know. As I eventually faced the approaching voice, my body turning in slow motion, all my air left me in one swift, ragged breath as I felt a healed wound inside me tear open to the very core.

He looked exactly the same, yet so different. His hair was longer and scruffy stubble covered his jawline. He looked older and his features appeared as if they had matured overnight. He exuded wisdom, like he had gone off to see the world and came back possessing knowledge he didn't know existed.

And here he was looking at me – _smiling_ at me – like the final piece of the puzzle to his life was falling into place.

Like absolutely nothing had changed.

"Jacob."


	26. Wrecking Ball

_**Suggested Listening: "Wrecking Ball" by Iko, "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons, "Blow It All Away" by Sia, "Silver Coin" and "I'm Not Yours" by Angus & Julia Stone** _

"Jacob."

His name falling from my lips was more of a sound than a word. Nevertheless, his smile widened when I said it. I stared holes through him, unable to move any farther than I already had. I dissected everything in front of me, each part of what I swore was an apparition – a ghost – standing only a few feet from my body. He was wearing a black leather jacket and jeans with a hole in one knee. Under the jacket, he had on a hunter green t-shirt. The strands of ebony hair on his head were damp.

He was as beautiful as I remembered, his black eyes burning holes straight through me.

I clutched tightly at the sponge in my hands. It couldn't be him. It couldn't be but it _was_. My brain was skeptical, refusing to believe it was this easy – that he'd reappear after all this time with so little fanfare.

But through the numbness, my heart pounded heavily against my chest. It reveled without my permission at the site of the man I once adored, celebrating the fact that months later – after nearly every single thread of hope had frayed – he was actually here. He was _actually_ standing in front of me.

"Bells, I'm home."

The words were tentative as I watched his lips form each one. The throbbing organ in my chest stuttered at the sound of my nickname falling off _his_ lips, but it didn't matter. Instead, it only helped solidify the reality of the ghost standing in front of me, debunking this cruel trick my mind was playing on me.

But he wasn't a ghost. _This_ wasn't a trick.

It was Jacob.

And he was _home_.

And in that moment, my heart won.

The sponge slipped between my fingers, bouncing off the ground as my feet moved my lethargic body forward. Contrary to how heavy I felt, I closed the gap in a mere second, my body colliding hard with his as I threw myself at him, my arms wrapping tightly and desperately around his neck. I closed my eyes and squeezed so tight, taking a deep breath and inhaling every ounce of his scent. It was exactly as I remembered. He didn't disappear. He wasn't dead. He was alive and, more importantly, he was _real_.

I felt his arms return my embrace as his hands splayed across my back, hugging me to him so hard my breathing threatened to stop. One hand traveled up, rubbing the back of my head as he rested his cheek against my ear. He sighed heavily, almost as if he were expelling a lifetime's worth of stress and worry. Gratitude filled my body and I tried to open my mouth to speak, but the only thing my throat released was an anguished squeak.

"It's okay, Bells," Jacob whispered, his breath fanning across my ear. "I'm here. I missed you so much, but I'm here now."

 _I'm here now_. Even as my fingers curled around his jacket, as my nose pressed into his neck, the words hit me like a two-ton brick as my eyes snapped open.

_I'm here now._

_Now_.

 _But where were you before_?

Before I could stop it, a wave of furious adrenaline ripped through me. In an overwhelming surge of heat, I came to my senses faster than I lost them moments earlier.

I pushed away from Jacob so suddenly – so violently – that I almost lost my balance and fell to the ground. His hand flashed out of nowhere, grabbing mine to keep me from falling. As quickly as I registered his body in front of me, I felt hot, frustrated tears sting my eyes as my gaze landed on his fingers wrapped around mine. His skin was searing and unbearable as I let my wide stare travel again to his face, his expression a mixture of relief and apprehension.

 _You're here now_ , I repeated silently.

_But where were you before?_

My fingers burned, skin prickling as the adrenaline surged into my hands. One moment I was clenching my fists and the next I pulled one hand behind me, letting my fingers uncurl as I released my arm with as much force as I could draw from every ounce of my small body.

The crack my open palm made when it struck Jacob's face gave birth to a violent shudder as it crawled up my spine.

Jacob stumbled back a bit, more out of shock and surprise than actual pain as I was confident I hadn't hurt him. My palm tingled as I sucked in a deep breath, releasing it in a haggard pant as I watched him watch me. The smile had disappeared from his face and his eyes were now clouded with uncertainty as he tried to register what I'd done.

Regardless, his hand cupped his cheek in disbelief and I knew I had gotten my point across.

It was also the moment I could feel the adrenaline ebb, giving way to something else. My trembling intensified, urging forward a choking panic as I felt it crawling its way up my throat.

As he took in my shifting reaction, Jacob only mitigated it as a look of agony played across his features, and he winced as a guttural sob came out of nowhere and managed to escape from my lips. The tears scorching the corners of my eyes escaped, finding solace on my cheeks as I closed my eyes for a just a second, encouraging them to fall.

This time though I opened my eyes and my feet found traction, taking one step as I backed away from him slowly. Instead of looking at him, I trained my stare on his feet. I _couldn't_ look at him. His was the same face that haunted my dreams, the same one I craved for too long. The sight of him before me caused the flames to lick at my stomach.

This was too much. _He_ was too much.

And I wasn't ready for this.

"Bella." I squeezed my eyes shut again at the sound of his voice, almost as if I was willing him to disappear. "Bella, please – I'm sorry." I heard the shuffling of feet on gravel as he took a step toward me. "Can you please say something?"

I held out one hand directly in front of me in response as if to ward him off. I heard him stop as I forced myself to open my eyes. Although my vision was blurry, I glared hatefully at him, willing myself to find my voice as I allowed only two words to seethe from between my clenched teeth.

"Go. Away."

Jacob face crumpled as if I'd just punched him in the stomach, his arms falling to his sides. "Bella, _please_ …" he repeated.

"GO AWAY!"

The scream I released was almost feral, my voice cut off by another sob as it escaped my lips. I brought my hand to my mouth in silent dismay. My determined mask was crumbling and I could feel my chest tightening little by little until I was struggling to breathe in and out.

Jacob looked defeated as he watched me backing away from him, my steps small but determined. My other arm was still outstretched in front of me, creating a feeble, imaginary barrier between us. He wasn't unfazed by my reaction. His eyes, burning with sadness and understanding, captured mine and refused to let them go.

He knew perfectly well this wasn't going to be easy.

"Bella! What the hell is wrong? Are you okay? I heard you..."

The near-frantic, concerned voice behind me cut off as abruptly as it was announced, and I heard footsteps cease on the front porch. The sound of this voice – of _his_ words – was one I'd let myself forget for just a split second, but it was long enough for me to taste the bile in the back of my throat at the thought.

The guilt was enough to push me completely over the edge as I literally stood witness to my past and my present reuniting.

And it also was enough to send me reeling as the combination of the two suddenly obscured a future of which just moments earlier I'd been so certain.

My fingers clawed at my chest in an attempt to relieve the pressure, which instead escaped my airway in the form of a hysteric sob. Sucking in what little oxygen I could through the panicked cries, I glanced at Jacob's tortured expression. My eyes connected with his one more time before I turned away from him, ignoring the distress in them as I sought solace in the voice behind me.

_God damn it, I couldn't breathe._

Embry stood on the porch, his eyes wide, his arms frozen at his sides and his body completely paralyzed in disbelief. His gaze drifted beyond my body, trained determinedly on the person behind me. I opened my mouth to say Embry's name, but nothing came out. However, the sound of my labored inhale snapped him out of his trance as his eyes released their hold on Jacob to find mine. It took him only another moment to coax his legs to move as he swiftly descended the stairs, ignoring Jacob as he reached me, taking my face in between his hands and forcing me to look at him.

"Bella," he urged, his brow drawn worriedly over his eyes while he used every bit of strength inside him to keep his features calm and soothing. "Bella, breathe. Look at me. Calm down, okay?"

I bit my violently quivering lip and my hysteria gradually subsided to whimpers as Embry held my gaze with his comforting eyes. I took multiple deep breaths as he silently encouraged me, indirectly synchronizing his inhales to mine. I focused on his warm face, trying to ease the throbbing in my chest and drown out the silent screaming inside urging me to turn back around and make sure Jacob hadn't disappeared.

"Embry…"

I heard his voice again. Jacob was still here. I closed my eyes, a tiny wave of relief swirling with the anxiety burning through my veins. In the same moment, I found my fingers clasping tightly around Embry's forearms as if the small gesture would keep him from also evaporating into thin air.

A masked brush of fingers on my bicep encouraged me to open my eyes. I complied and was greeted with Embry's insistent stare. His face was hard and determined but his eyes conveyed sincerity. They radiated love. They promised me safety.

"Everything will be okay, Bella," he whispered. "No matter what, okay?"

It took everything inside me to focus on acknowledging his words. Only when I finally took in a deep cleansing breath could I feel my head bob in acceptance.

The second I did, Embry jerked his head in a curt nod before he tore his gaze from mine and located its intended target standing several feet behind me. His palms seared my cheeks and his skin boiled beneath my hands.

The person who stepped away was not the same one who held me.

"Nobody wants you here, Jacob."

Embry's tone was anything but warm. It was cold, it was angry. It was protective. But most of all, it dripped with something else, spreading through me as it chilled my insides.

Resentment.

A shudder fanned through my body at Embry's tone. Never in the years I'd known him had I heard him speak to Jacob with such contempt and it made my stomach lurch from the repercussions of it all, even as I forced my feet to move and urged my body to turn. As much as I felt myself crumbling on the inside – as much as I fought the urge to fall apart – I couldn't do it here. I couldn't do it now.

This was not my time.

My eyes sought out Jacob first, whose mouth was open slightly as he watched Embry, gauging his reaction – assessing him. But I wasn't watching his face. Instead, I noticed his throat constrict slightly as he swallowed, a clear indicator of anxiety. His eyes jerked in place as they discreetly fought against their focus, doing whatever they could to avoid the confrontation the rest of his body was facing. He licked his lips, an obvious sign words were failing him. He didn't know what to say. The signals his body exuded made it clear this wasn't the reaction he was anticipating from Embry. It was unmistakable.

At least to me.

"Em...please." Jacob finally allowed the intimate plea to leave his mouth, his eyes watching his friend warily. Embry had taken another step away from me, his feet planted firmly on the ground and his jaw trembling in suppressed anger.

I could hear Embry's rough exhale before he spoke again. "No. Nobody wants you here," he repeated steadily. His words were short, controlled. "Bella told you to leave, so you need to go."

Jacob blinked in response to Embry's demand. He didn't move a muscle as I curled my clammy palms into fists at my sides. Instead, he cocked his head to the side, his lips pressed into a thin line as he allowed one last look at me before training his determined stare back on Embry.

"I'm not leaving," he responded quietly, directing the words to both of us though he spoke them to Embry. "Not yet. Not until I get a chance to talk to Bella – alone."

I caught Embry sneak a sideways glance at me the same second my stomach lurched. I thought for sure I would vomit as my arms swiftly clutched at my stomach and I looked up, meeting Embry's anxious gaze for just a split second.

It was all he needed.

Seeing me nearly double over, Embry bristled as his calm façade snapped.

"Really, man? Who the fuck do you think you are?" Embry spat out as he turned his venomous glare back to Jacob. "Why are you really here? It definitely can't be for Bella, because what you did made you give up any fucking right to expect anything from her."

A shiver started at the base of my spine and slowly crawled through my body as I watched Embry beside me. His jaw clenched and his nostrils flared. His hands were balled into fists as he fought something powerful inside him.

His wolf was close, and he was in danger of taking over completely.

"Do you know what you did to this pack – to _her_ – when you left?" He threw a cursory glance at me as he took a step toward Jacob. "Do you really think that after four fucking months we're all just going to welcome you back with open arms?"

Jacob's eyes closed as he took a deep breath, letting Embry's words and their scathing honesty soak in little by little. "I know," he finally pushed out through clenched teeth. "And I don't expect you to, but I am hoping you'll let me talk." Jacob chose that moment to shift his focus on me, a shudder rocking my frame as his gaze caught mine.

"No." Embry took another step forward, refusing to back down. "We're done here. Why don't you start by finding Sam and letting him know you're home."

But Jacob was looking at me. He was still searching. Ignoring. Hoping.

"I'm where I need to be right now."

Jacob's words knocked the breath from my lungs and I could still feel the tears involuntarily spilling from eyes. Jacob standing in front of me just like this was everything I wanted at one point, a scene that frequently invaded my dreams during nights of fitful sleep. There was a point where I would have given anything for this moment. I would have done anything for it.

But now it was here and I didn't feel joy. I felt anger, sadness, uncertainty, upheaval, _pain_. I came to terms with Jacob's disappearance only to have him reappear what seemed like mere moments after I willingly put it all behind me, after I put myself through every emotional test necessary to close the door on that chapter of my life.

Yet here he was knocking anyway and as he stood there, I knew he wanted back in.

"Bella, please listen to me…" Jacob implored, his voice almost a whisper as he ultimately decided to bypass Embry. It dripped with affection, with respect, with a love I'd since tucked away.

He took a step forward.

But as he did, I couldn't stop myself as I instinctively took a step back, negating his movement as I partially shielded myself behind Embry's tall frame. A ripple of pain spread across Jacob's face, his eyes shifting to Embry and back to me as curiosity and confusion passed through them.

I cast my eyes to the ground, almost choking on the heavy breath in my throat as I forced myself to speak. "I _can't_ right now," I muttered. "Embry's right – I don't want to see you."

"Bells," Jake whispered, taking one more step forward. This time, I stayed rooted in place as I warily watched his approach. "You are one of the reasons I came back. I know you're upset with me, but please don't be scared to talk to me – I'm still the same person I always was. Nothing's changed."

 _You're wrong,_ I thought to myself in response to his words.

_Everything changed._

I winced but stood my ground. "I can't _do_ this right now, Jacob." I repeated, his name drying out my mouth as it fell from my lips.

"Bella…"

He was pushing, but he'd gone as far as he could go. He'd worn out his very short welcome.

The presence next to me was gone faster than I could register it. My vision reeled but when the scene in front of me came back into focus, Embry was in front of Jacob, one hand clamped to his bicep as Embry's face hovered just inches from his.

"I said you're done," Embry growled as Jacob's cool exterior melted into an expression of anger, which was overshadowed by the surprise in his eyes. I'd seen this look but it wasn't in Jacob. It was the same expression, the same realization, I saw pass through Paul the night in Sam and Emily's kitchen.

Only now I knew why.

And just like Paul, the reaction threw Jacob. He didn't realize Embry was protecting, that he was fighting for something larger than himself. Jacob was indignant toward the barrier put in place, and he saw it as a challenge.

Jacob stared at him in frustrated bewilderment as his chest heaved with labored breaths, as he fought against similar instincts pushing inside him. "Why are you here, Embry?" His voice was grating. It was _underestimating_. "Since when do you speak for Bella?"

There was no warning.

I barely had time to register what happened as I saw Embry's right arm pull back and lunge forward, his fist connecting squarely with Jacob's jaw with a sickening crack. Jacob's body lurched to the side and I cried out in surprise as he was thrown against the Mustang with a hard thud.

My fingers moved instinctively to cover my mouth and silence my outburst as Jacob's hands pressed against the glass. He sucked in several calming breaths, taking a few moments to recover and gather his bearings. Eventually, his neck twisted and he turned his head, glaring at Embry as his hand moved to touch his own face in disbelief. The skin below his eye was open and bleeding as his fingers grazed over the laceration.

I was frozen as I watched him pull his hand away to look at the blood, staring for a few infinite seconds before returning it to his face and clasping his jaw as he adjusted it with one swift, grimacing movement. Letting his fingers trail the length of his cheek before they once again fell to his side, Jacob let his feral glare return to Embry, his face a mixture of aggressive anger and injured pride.

Regardless, Embry wasn't fazed. He towered in front of Jacob, still fuming. Trembling, I tore my eyes from Jacob and refocused them on Embry, and I swore I could almost see his skin rippling over muscle and sinew as he fought every urge and instinct inside him to phase.

Jacob took a step toward Embry.

The savage charge passing between the two men, caused by Jacob's action as human rationale left and instinct started to take over, turned my blood to ice. As I watched them, I barely heard the distant sound of a car door slam or footsteps falling frantically on the pavement as I took a step forward.

I couldn't let this happen. I had to stop it.

But I didn't get the chance.

Before I could register what was happening, a third body was thrown into the fray, wedging itself determinedly between Embry and Jacob. The body was smaller, feminine, but the look in her eyes was just as feral and just as purposeful. And her eyes met mine for a split second, a sympathetic and protective flare raced through them the moment she was certain I wasn't going to move.

"Stop it. Both of you."

Leah's voice made it clear it wasn't a request as she shot a menacing glare toward Jacob before turning toward Embry, taking a step forward and resolutely bringing both hands to his face. My heart pounded in my chest as she pulled, trying to urge his face toward her even as Embry fought her, not wanting to be the first to look away.

"Embry, look at me." Her voice was firm and unwavering, but the traces of empathy were unmistakable. " _Look_ at me!"

Her tone indicated she wasn't going to give up until he did, so Embry searched and found what he needed to let go, to focus on Leah's voice as she pled with him. His body relaxed minutely before his neck went slack and he let his face drop toward Leah's steadfast eyes.

"Not here," she murmured directly to him, despite the fact Jacob could hear every word. "Not now. You need to walk away."

She held his gaze as his shoulders lifted and fell with labored breaths, until the movements ebbed and the tension lifted from his body. As each moment passed – as I watched his frame resign from a fight he wasn't ready to have, no matter what he thought – I felt the tightness dissolve in my own chest, disappearing completely when Embry finally took a step back.

His breath left him in an anguished huff as he continued his retreat. The glare he gave Jacob was searing.

"You're not worth it," he seethed.

With that, Embry turned, his eyes taking a moment before they settled on me. As soon as he took in my anxious expression, his face crumpled as the Embry I was used to returned swiftly to his features. His eyes were tortured and his pained expression tore at my insides.

He took a step forward, still watching me intently, before he stopped. His chest swelling, he ripped his gaze away and peered back over his shoulder to Leah, his eyes pleading and asking a question I couldn't understand.

Leah nodded toward him, her eyes wide with sincerity. "Go inside. Everything will be fine."

I couldn't see Embry's face from where I stood but I could see his head start to shake, like Leah's suggestion was impossible. I shivered as she pursed her lips and raised her eyebrows, willing him to believe her words. When he refused to move, she tried again.

"Porch," was all she said.

After a few unbearable seconds, Embry finally turned and broke into a purposeful stride as he walked right past me, evading my worried eyes as I heard his footsteps ascend the stairs. It wasn't until I heard a dull thump that I ventured a glance behind me, only to see Embry had collapsed to the porch steps, his elbows resting on his knees and his hands clasped together in front of his mouth determinedly. At this point, he was letting himself become a spectator.

To protect from afar should he be needed, no matter how hard it was to do.

Her face visibly relaxing, Leah took a deep breath before she nodded curtly toward me. Turning around, I was allowed only one glimpse of her expression as it shifted from defensive to firm before it disappeared, her back facing me and her attention refocused on her other pack brother.

"Jacob Black, for once in your life, please pull your stubborn head out of your ass and listen when someone tells you to fucking do something."

Jacob ran a still trembling hand distractedly through his hair as he rolled his eyes at Leah's more cutting approach. I shivered as I watched his jerking, anxious movements. "Listen, Leah, I know everyone's angry with me and I don't blame them, but right now? I just want to explain – to apologize. I already walked away once and I'm not gonna do it again. Really, this isn't even any of your business..."

"Oh, excuse me?" Leah exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air in frustration. "Forgive me for being Captain Obvious here, Jake, but I really don't think you're in a place anymore to claim you have a good handle on what is or is _not_ your business."

Jacob's mouth closed with a snap as he let his gaze travel toward the sky, hesitating for a moment before he brought it back to Leah, who was by no means finished.

"Listen," she pressed on. "I know you feel this overwhelming need to make things right because god forbid you sit on something for a few minutes to see if it works itself out, but you need to listen to me. This is not about you right now. It was when you left, and it was for a long fucking time after that, but right now? This is not about you."

"I know." This time Jacob's voice was choked hints of regret as he swallowed thickly, Leah's words permeating his arsenal of determination. "I just wanted to _explain_ ," he repeated.

Leah's sigh was audible even from my place several feet from her. "I know," she said softly. "And there'll be a time for that, but that time is not right now. Take my advice, Jake — go find Sam. Find Sam, then go home. Go home and prepare yourself for more of _that_." Leah's arm jutted out until she was pointing at Embry, whose presence was still behind me on the stairs, betrayed by the labored push of air in and out of his lungs. "Because I can guarantee you he's not the only person you're gonna get shit from. Once you're ready to face that? Then we'll talk – then _she_ will talk."

Jacob's eyes fell to the ground but his feet remained planted on the damp earth. "I'm sorry," he whispered to the driveway, although it was meant for everyone else to hear.

"Jacob?"

The word leaving my mouth was raspy as it clawed its way from my parched throat. Leah's body shifted to look at me and behind me, Embry's breathing picked up speed.

But one word was all it took for Jacob's eyes to release his stare on the ground and search mine out, his eyes wide with a fragile hope. The longer we stood there, the harder it became to speak the next words. Regardless, as Leah's interference and Embry's distance from the situation helped my mind clear – if only by a fraction – I knew I had to because Leah was right.

We all needed just a little more time. We needed to decide if forgiveness was an option, and if forgetting was a possibility. Most of all, we had to know what it meant to our irreparably changed lives if we did.

"Please," I begged him breathlessly, "listen to her. If not, listen to me _– please_. You have to go."

I conveyed every ounce of sincerity I could into my eyes, silently pleading with him. After what seemed like an infinite amount of moments had passed, Jacob pressed his lips together in resignation and nodded. But even as he took a step back, followed by another, his gaze never left mine. His eyes burned with the same candor, filled with a million apologies meant only for me.

As he reached the road, I forced myself to look away – to squelch the throbbing in my chest and break the contact – only to find Leah watching me with a look of intense pride displayed across her features.

But I didn't feel pride. As I looked over Leah's shoulder – as I watched Jacob's retreating form disappear behind the trees – one part of me wanted to cry out, to tell him to come back and share his story with us.

But another felt Jacob deserved it.

And a larger part didn't want to hear a single word he had to say.

* * *

Twenty minutes later I was sitting at my kitchen table, staring at the cup of coffee in my hands. With the exception of rotating the mug in a circle between my fingers, I didn't move. I _couldn't_ move. I was frozen as my mind replayed every moment of what just unfolded outside.

Across the room, Embry stood leaning against the sink, his arms folded across his chest as his eyes alternated between me and the clock hanging beside the doorway. Every minute or so, he'd shift his weight to the other foot and clear his throat like he wanted to say something, but he never did.

Neither of us spoke a word.

Yet the energy in the room was tangible, so thick it would be next to impossible to cut through. We were both sifting through an assault of emotions as we struggled to pick which one we could both focus on. Anger, anxiety, regret, sadness – they were all there, but there wasn't a single one either of us allowed ourselves to outwardly feel.

We couldn't because we hadn't prepared ourselves for this.

Moving on was one thing, but bracing ourselves for something we'd somehow pushed to the depths of our minds was another.

My mind was plagued with maybes. Maybe we always thought there would be some kind of warning. Maybe we both convinced ourselves that when it happened, individually we'd be strong enough to get through it without missing a single beat. Maybe we believed we could cast aside the fact that no matter what we told ourselves, there were two sides to every story.

Maybe we both worked so hard to put Jacob behind us we never once considered the possibility he'd come full circle – that one day, he'd once again be standing right in front of us.

But sitting in the kitchen, listening to the ticking clock piercing through the deafening silence, it was obvious each maybe was a fact that never became truth.

"Bella..."

With one word, the sound of Embry's voice pulled me from my thoughts as I tore my eyes from my coffee cup and looked up from the table. I swept over his features, which were laced with a soft mixture of candidness and apology, before landing on his eyes. My stomach knotted when for the first time he allowed me to see the _fear_ in them, and the longer I lingered there, the harder the pull was as it propelled me into a time before now – a time earlier today when we were wrapped up in an impenetrable world of slow kisses and intimate words.

When it was just me and him.

The way it could _still_ be provided I kept it that way.

Planting my feet on the ground, I pushed my chair back in an attempt to stand but was interrupted by the sound of the front door slamming and footsteps approaching the kitchen. When I looked up, Leah was standing in the doorway. With a heavy sigh, her eyes bounced between Embry and me before she raised an arm to lean against the frame.

"Well, _that_ was fun."

The awkward, deflecting laugh that spilled from my lips earned me a grimace from Leah as she peered over at me from her place on the opposite side of the room.

"You gonna make it there, Swan?" she muttered curiously, although I had a feeling the question was only asked half in jest.

Shaking my head at the deep-rooted irony producing the laugh, I nodded as I brought the back of my hands to my lips. "Yeah," I replied, the laugh still dissipating in my throat.

Leah pursed her lips and raised her eyebrows skeptically. Shaking her head, she shifted her gaze to Embry. "I phased. Talked to Sam."

Embry leaned forward a little bit as he let his arms fall to his sides. "Did he know?"

Leah's eyes darted between the two of us. "I kept it short," she replied. "I told him he might want to head home because he was gonna have company. I phased back before he could ask questions." It was her turn to let out a tense chuckle. "Didn't want to ruin Black's surprise factor he's got going on."

Embry released an acknowledging sneer from beside me as I peered at him out of the corner of my eye.

"And for the record, keep your balls in your back pocket next time, Call," Leah piped up, turning toward Embry. "I _know_ what that was all about, but it would be nice if I didn't have to deliver the news to Sam by carrying you two over there in pieces."

I watched Embry's expression turn into an anxious frown at Leah's words. Remembering the scene outside – Embry's face, Jacob's response – made my body shake as I also once again recalled why the three of us were sitting here in my kitchen.

"Well, what the hell did you expect me to do?" Embry exclaimed. "He wasn't listening and he was _pushing_ and it was too fucking much." His words cut off as he scrubbed both hands through his hair, his expression in disarray. Sucking in a deep breath, he let his arms drop as he turned his head toward me. "I'm sorry, Bella."

Letting my gaze fall the floor, I shook my head. "It's okay," I murmured, fiddling with the hem of my shirt. "But Leah's right." I swiveled my stare toward him and met his eyes with a genuine expression. "You could have been hurt, and Jacob's done enough of that to you already."

Leah's eyebrows raised as she looked at Embry, simultaneously pointing at me. "You hear that, Call? I'm _right_. Huh – imagine that."

Embry scoffed and he crossed his arms tightly in front of his chest. "It's not me I'm worried about getting hurt more."

His words knotted my stomach as my eyes fell dejectedly back to my lap.

The ticking once again filtered through the heavy quiet of the kitchen before Leah finally spoke up, preceding her words with a sigh. "We have to go," she said, a hesitant expression crawling across her face as she looked at Embry. "I smell a pack meeting in our future." This time she raised an eyebrow in my direction. "Are you gonna be okay here if we go?"

Fighting back the lump in my throat at the thought of being left alone to process everything by myself, I did everything I could to push it down as I nodded.

"No." Embry's voice was obstinate as he pushed himself away from the counter. "I'm not leaving."

"You're not gonna have a choice, Em," Leah countered as she stood up straight in the doorway, her hands absentmindedly falling to her hips. "You know Sam – he's gonna tackle this as soon as he gets wind of it, and he's gonna want us there. Bella can come if she wants to, but..."

"Oh, that's brilliant, Leah," Embry retorted, the look of restlessness spreading swiftly across his features. "Let's just go throw her back into something we just got her out of."

Leah cocked one eyebrow, unimpressed with his protectiveness. "Are you going to let me finish?" When Embry just gaped at her, the brow lowered. " _But_ I don't think it's a good idea if she comes with, which is why I asked if she'd be okay here by herself."

"Well, that idea's not exactly a gem either," Embry muttered as he shot a spiteful glare at Leah. "What if he tries to come back?"

Leah groaned. "You can't have it both ways, Call. Either she stays here by herself or she goes with us, and since you're obviously opposed to both ideas, I don't see..."

"How about you go and I stay here, just in case," Embry offered despondently, "and if Sam really feels the need to have a pack meeting right this second..."

"Okay, can the both of you just stop?"

Both Leah and Embry's mouths snapped shut as they glowered at me in disbelief. With a vehement sigh, I brought my fingers to my temples and rubbed them soothingly. "I will be fine," I continued, the words meant to assure myself as much as them. "I am not going to fall apart. I am not going to break, and I don't need either of you telling me what's best for me."

Leah tried her best to hide her smirk while Embry's eyes fell to the floor. Taking a deep breath, I continued. "But I appreciate it and I know you're just looking out for me, but go take care of your family. I will be _fine_."

My eyes bounced between Embry and Leah as she shot a knowing look in his direction. "You heard her. Let's go get this done and over with now." With that, she offered me a wry smile before turning and disappearing into the entryway, the action followed moments later by the sound of the front door opening and closing.

I chose that moment to push my chair back the rest of the way and stand as Embry closed his eyes, concentrating for a moment, convincing himself leaving me was the right thing to do before he nodded. With a calm face and tortured eyes, he finally met my watchful gaze.

"I'll call you later?"

I gave him a reassuring nod as he looked toward the entryway and forced his feet to move as he made his way toward the door. My own legs propelled me across the kitchen to the spot he had occupied as I watched him go. A sinking feeling plagued my stomach, nagging me into recognizing there were more words to be said.

He needed to go into this confidently, with a lighter heart, and with a reminder of at least one thing that gave him the strength to get to this day in the first place.

And I needed him to remember I was grateful for his strength because in this moment – more so than any other – he needed to know I still had mine somewhere and I was still grateful for _him_.

"Hey!"

Hesitating in the kitchen doorway, Embry turned slightly at my attempt to get his attention. His features were covered with a chilling stoicism and he held my gaze a moment less than I wanted him to before dropping it to the floor.

My fingers curled around the edge of the countertop. "Look at me?"

After a few moments, he listened. His expression was calm and a little too pulled together, almost like he was purposely trying to hide something from me. It tugged at my insides and urged the words from my mouth without force.

"I love you."

For the first time since I heard the first footfall on gravel, I inhaled without difficulty, offering the most genuine smile I could to Embry. The words were just as easy as they'd been this morning, and despite every single uncertainty that swirled around us, I knew this was still something I could count on.

Embry's face crumpled in that moment and my chest knotted as every barrier he'd inadvertently put up around him – around us – since laying eyes on Jacob fell in a silent crash. He closed his eyes and I could almost see the weight leave his body as he exhaled. When he reopened them, he let an effortless smile pull at the corner of his mouth as he turned back and closed the distance between us in a few easy steps.

My eyes were already closed by the time I felt his hands slide around my waist, his warmth radiating off my features as he stooped down, his lips tentatively brushing mine before my fingers twisted around his arms and pulled him the rest of the way.

The heat of Embry's slow, committed kiss filled me entirely and for just a split second, I forgot why I told him to leave.

But soon his lips moved faster, more desperate against mine as I felt myself being coaxed backward until my back collided with the sink. I inhaled sharply into Embry's mouth as I felt his hands grasp frantically at the exposed skin between my jeans and shirt.

I leaned back against the counter as his lips separated from mine and he moved to my ear. He traced hot, frantic kisses along my jaw before he drug his teeth across my bottom lip and recaptured my mouth with his. The intensity behind the kiss – the _reason_ for it – caused an anxious, exhilarated shudder to snake its way up my spine.

It didn't matter what I said.

He was tasting. He was _memorizing_.

Just in case.

And all I could do was clutch his shoulders and allow him to warm me to the core as I tried to draw some of the anxiety from his soul.

As suddenly as he started, Embry pulled away, leaving me cold and selfishly needing more. His eyes were closed and he took deep labored breaths as he leaned his forehead against mine. I shivered as I felt his hands slide up my arms, across my shoulders and travel up the sensitive skin of my neck to cup my face between them. I closed my eyes as well, causing a tear I didn't know was lingering to finally escape.

When I opened them again, Embry's dark gaze was boring directly into mine. With the pad of his thumb, he wiped away the tear on my cheek and slowly kissed the spot where it had been. He kept one hand on my cheek and the other dropped to my waist as I felt him nuzzle my face with his own. I could feel his hot breath on my skin.

His words were few and they came in a whisper.

"That's all I needed."


	27. Hold On

_**Suggested Listening: "My Fight" by Greg Laswell, "Brother Song" by Circa Survive, "Life In The Pain" by Safetysuit, "Stay Awake" by Lydia, "Make This Go On Forever" by Snow Patrol** _

**Embry POV**

_"Bells, you are one of the reasons I came back."_

I let my head fall against the glass of the Clearwater truck's passenger side window with a heavy thump. I ignored Leah's pointed, questioning glances from the driver's seat as I brought my hand to my forehead. Using my thumb and middle finger to rub my temples, I tried like hell to massage the words out of the place they were seared into my brain.

Jake was back.

After four months, he was really back. In that span of time, I'd hoped for his return. I'd wished for it and I'd _feared_ it. I tried to rationalize why he left while at the same time condemning him for what he left behind.

But at some point, I'd given up hope. I'd forgotten about the concrete possibility this day would happen. I was too lost in how good everything was going. I was too lost in myself. I was too lost in _Bella_.

And even when others stepped up to remind me, she was the reason I shrugged them off. Even if he did come back, I told them things were different now. I told them he wouldn't be coming back to the same place he left – to the same _people_ he left.

While that much was still true, what I hadn't prepared them for – what I hadn't prepared _myself_ for – was a reaction they'd predicted from me all along.

Standing in front of Jake, flames licking at my spine and heat boiling through my veins as every feral instinct inside me screamed at me to phase – to rip his fucking head off for crossing a line he didn't know existed – it became all too clear what I was willing to do to protect this changed world.

And to protect the most important person in my life.

A person who, judging by the words throbbing behind my ears, was still one of the most important in Jacob's as well.

The thought alone made my skin crawl just below the surface and caused a snarl to erupt within me, shredding my insides as the wolf once again threatened to find a way out. I curled my hands into tight fists, pressing them against my lap to control the tremors rolling off them. It was the same feeling that shot through me like a bullet when I stood in front of Bella's kitchen counter, uncharacteristically dropping the butter knife I held between my fingers when her scream from outside – those two words – sliced through the room's silence.

My senses had been on high alert before I even made it out the front door. Before I even hit the entryway, I could already make out a second heartbeat on the front lawn. As I pushed open the screen door, I could already detect a familiar scent mingling with the sweetness of Bella's.

A scent we'd been searching for. A scent that was right under my nose now.

As my feet hit the front porch, I tried to convince myself it wasn't possible. I tried to tell myself I was wrong. But no matter what lie I told myself, there was no denying it once the scent of Bella's tears hit my nostrils.

It became clear pretty quick that no matter what filled those seconds leading up to my eyes landing on Jake, I had not prepared myself to see him standing in front of her. Staring at me. Staring at _her_.

And I definitely had not prepared myself to hear those words coming from his mouth.

By that point there was no reigning in the wolf – and my own frustration at Jake's blatant assumptions – his stubborn persistence – only fueled his rage.

Only _fueled_ my rage.

My stomach wrenched as the scene flashed through my mind again. I flexed my fingers reflexively, remembering the way it felt when my fist connected with his jaw. In that moment, Jake had not been my pack brother. He wasn't the person who once was my best friend. Everything I knew and everything I remembered about him _before_ went away. Everything I should have cared about when it came to him was gone. He was a stranger, an intruder – someone who threatened to take away happiness Bella and I had worked so hard to find _because_ of him.

Happiness we found with each other.

And it made me resent him. In that moment, I resented Jake with everything inside me for what he stood for and what he could still do to that happiness if we let him.

The only thing that was able to take the edge off the anger – the only thing to offer me a glimmer of clarity and strength in the middle of everything – came later in the form of three words falling from Bella's mouth, traveling across her kitchen and squeezing my insides in their vice grip.

They were all that mattered. _She_ was all that mattered.

Still.

No matter what.

And what we had was enough. She reminded me what we had was bigger than Jake's words that didn't mean a damn thing anymore. And despite what he said, the love I had for her was enough to get rid of any fear I had in that moment. It was enough to give me what I needed to go through what I knew I was about to face.

At least I hoped it would be enough.

"Are you gonna be able to do this, Em?"

Leah's uncharacteristically soft voice next to me pulled me out of my thoughts as I let my head lift from the window, turning it to peer at her curiously. "Why? Worried I'll dislocate more than his jaw this time?"

She chuckled tensely, immediately following it with a sigh as her fingers tightened around the steering wheel of the truck. "Listen, I want to kick his ass as bad as the next guy, trust me, but we're gonna have to do this at some point. We're gonna have to listen and we're gonna have to fucking deal with it."

"I know, Lee – I got it," I murmured, looking back out the windshield at the wet pavement rushing under the truck.

"Do you?" Leah asked skeptically. "Because you can't go sprouting fur every time Jake mentions Bella's name, because you know he's gonna do it. Until he _knows_ , he's gonna do it. Because I'm willing to bet he still thinks you're just Embry, his best friend, the one who blushes whenever a girl looks sideways at his cock."

I snorted. "Seriously?"

Leah shrugged nonchalantly. "Hey, I'm just saying." This time, though, I could almost hear her thick swallow from across the truck's cab as she planned to shatter the lightness she'd inadvertently created. "Which also means he doesn't know you have something to fight for now, so there's the million dollar question – are you gonna tell him?"

Chewing on the inside of my lip, I shrugged as an ironic smirk played at my lips. "Yeah, I'll just sneak it in there somewhere between Sam lecturing him and Jake explaining where he's been for the past four months. I can hear it now – 'Hey, Jake, where you been? You look great! Did you work out when you were gone? Oh hey, by the way, I fell in love with Bella while you were gone.' That'll go over good on day one, no?"

"Alright, snarky ass," Leah retorted as she met my sarcastic stare, rounding the corner just past the La Push welcome sign. I ignored the quick flash of anxiety flaring in my stomach as soon as the sign disappeared behind the vehicle. "You didn't seem to care so much what he thought when you were ready to pull his spleen out through his throat earlier."

I cocked an eyebrow and looked down at my knees. "Yeah, well – did you really blame me?"

Silence. "No, not really." Leah sighed again, except this one was traced with hints of sadness. "That's what I like about you, Call – you stand by the people you love, even when shit gets tough and seems impossible. Too many people in this pack don't do that."

I looked back at Leah whose eyes were shifting anxiously over the road as we approached Sam and Emily's driveway. "Is that why you've had our backs this whole time?" I asked carefully.

A smile pulled at Leah's lips. "Part of it," she replied. "And Swan's kind of fun when she's not all fucking mopey and depressing. Just trying to keep it that way."

I let out a suppressed chuckle at Leah's sideways attempt at a compliment before she took another heavy breath. As I looked back out the windshield, the truck slowed before Leah turned it into Sam and Emily's driveway. I took a deep, calming breath as the house came into view. Nothing looked out of place and no one was outside. In fact, it looked like no one was there at all since Emily's car was missing from the carport.

"So much for the pack meeting," I muttered at no one in particular.

Frowning as she pulled the truck to a stop, Leah let it melt into an expression of indifference as she stared stoically through the windshield. "Give it time. They'll be here." With that, she turned the keys in the ignition, killing the engine as she ripped the keys from the steering column. "Come on."

Sure enough, Leah and I were barely out of the truck before the silence was broken by the sound of footsteps and we were met by a flustered Jared, who was just rounding the corner of the house, shirtless and brushing forest debris from his hair. When his unsteady gaze fell on me, his eyes widened slightly before regaining their composure.

"The rest of the pack is gonna be here any second," he finally spoke up. "Sam just made me call 'em."

Throwing a glance at Leah out of the corner of my eye, she cocked one knowing eyebrow in my direction before turning her head away. "Where's Paul?" I asked, looking back at Jared as I shoved my hands in my pockets. "I thought he was patrolling with Sam."

"He went to check on Rachel, man." Jared's voice was a hushed whisper as he shot a nervous glance toward the front door.

I could feel the blood pooling in my temples again, pulsing anxiously as I pushed the words out of my dry mouth. "Is _he_ here?"

Jared took a deep breath before he nodded. "Sam was giving him an earful when I left. Dude..." Jared shook his head as he ran a nervous hand through his hair. "This is so fucked up."

"Congrats, Cameron - you're just now figuring that out?" Leah quipped from beside me, rolling her eyes at no one in particular.

Jared scowled at her and opened his mouth to protest but was interrupted by the sound of displaced trees and shrubbery from behind the house. The noise was followed by more heavy footsteps – more than one set – obviously in a hurry to get here. A second later, both Quil and Seth emerged from the side of the house.

"What the ever-loving fuck is going on?" Quil exclaimed, his eyes wide as dinner plates as he scanned our faces for answers Jared obviously didn't give him when he summoned them. No one spoke and Quil's expression grew indignant when his gaze landed on me, his eyes still pleading for information.

I crossed my arms in front of my chest and leaned against the truck. "Jake's back," I said with as much indifference as I could muster.

If it would have been possible for Quil's eyes to pop out of their sockets, they probably would have.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Quil hissed, his face screwing up in confusion as his eyebrows furrowed.

"Nope," I replied curtly.

"Is he okay? I mean, did he say where he was?" Next to Quil, it was hard for me to watch as Seth's eyes widened in genuine concern and anticipation. If there was anyone who was sure to welcome Jake back with open arms, it was Seth. Regardless of how much it affected him when Jake left, the kid shared a bond with him. It was Jake who spent countless hours with Seth after he first phased, helping him deal with the sudden change and learn how to cope with growing up way faster than he had any right to. It left its mark on Seth as Jake had permanently solidified a "big brother" status in his life.

"Save your questions, little brother," Leah spoke up from where she was now leaning on the hood of the truck, anxiously biting one of her fingernails. "We really don't know any more than you do right now."

Seth let his mouth close with a snap as he chanced a look at me, a distinct flash of sympathy in his eyes before he let them fall to the ground. As happy as he probably was to learn Jake was back, the kid never lost his heart and I was still his pack brother, too.

Quil took an anxious step forward as he peered toward the front door. One hand drifted to his hip as the other scrubbed awkwardly through his hair. "Jesus...I..." He stammered, trying like hell to pull his eyes away from the house. When he finally did, they widened yet again as he trained them on me. "Does Bella know?"

"First place he went," I answered quietly, ripping my gaze away from Quil's.

Quil's mouth was frozen open as he gaped in disbelief. "Aw, hell. Were you there, man?"

Taking a deep breath in an effort to soothe the simmer in my veins caused by the reminder, I nodded.

Quil blinked. "Does he know?" He asked in a hushed whisper.

"Fuck, do you ever shut up?"

Leah's voice caused Quil's head to snap in her direction. Scowling, he spastically waved his hand at her. "Shh," he silenced her, frowning petulantly as he turned back to me. "Seriously, dude – does he know?"

"Nope – not unless Sam told him," I replied.

"Well, shit..." This time Quil let his eyes fall to the ground as he thought about which question to fire off next. "Kinda wish I woulda been there for _that_ – him showing up at Bella's with you there. If we're being honest, I'm kinda surprised you didn't knock the guy's head off his shoulders..."

Leah snickered next to me. "Not for lack of trying."

Quil's mouth formed a surprised 'o' as his head snapped up and Jared hid a throaty chuckle behind his hand. "Seriously, man?" As I fought back the burning and nodded, Quil nodded in approval. "Good for you, dude. I mean don't get me wrong, I know I said I wasn't picking sides here but...you definitely deserved to get one good swing in. Glad to see you got it out of your system early."

Nodding despondently, Quil's humor fell short of its target when we were interrupted by the sound of the front door sliding open with a slow, drawn out swish. Five sets of eyes including my own swiveled instinctively toward the source of the noise.

Sam emerged from the house first, his face solemn and steady, and I clenched my arms tighter against my body to suppress the restless tremor that rocked my body when my stare found the person directly behind him.

Just as I suspected, Sam took in each stare trying desperately to see past him, lingering a little too long on mine as his gaze pleaded – _demanded_ – for my cooperation. He needed no words to confirm what I was thinking so I continued to let my eyes bore back against his, biting down on the inside of my lip hard enough it wasn't long before I tasted the coppery hints of blood on my tongue.

With a resigned breath, Sam finally nodded at all of us and let his head fall, stepping aside and allowing Jacob to step forward. I could hear the sound of enamel scraping against itself as I ground my teeth together anxiously, Jake's face stoic but apologetic as he too surveyed the response he had yet to receive from any of us gathered around the front porch.

Before he spoke, though, Jake took a moment to seek me out, his eyes coming to a stop as he looked at me. A million silent words passed between our stares in that moment – his filled with apprehension and apology, mine with indifference and a forced stoicism that balanced uneasily on my urge to turn around and walk away.

But as he regarded me carefully – strategically – and I didn't allow him anything else as I let my gaze fall to the ground, remembering Leah's words on the way there.

_We're gonna have to listen to him at some point._

And the sooner we got it over with, the sooner I could get the fuck out of here.

Finally, Jake's unsteady voice pierced through the deafening silence hanging over Sam's front yard.

"So...I'm not really sure what I can say to you guys or where I should even start," he murmured, a hint of shame in his tone despite the uncertainty overshadowing most of it. "I've been gone a long time, I know, but I hope you guys'll understand why I did it, and I hope you know how bad of a spot I was in when I did. I never meant to hurt the pack by leaving, so...I'm sorry. Seriously, guys – you don't know how much."

As soon as he let the last word leave his mouth, I couldn't help it as my head lifted to look at him. I wanted to see what this was doing to him, what kind of expression the words brought out on his face. When my stare hit its target, his features were heavy with deep-seeded regret. It rocked me and didn't surprise me all at once when I realized it brought out nothing from me – no sympathy, no urge to forgive. Nothing.

And for a moment, I wondered if I wasn't alone when he was greeted with a thick silence from the others. A few long seconds passed before Jake awkwardly let his eyes fall to the porch before hitching his thumbs in his pockets and toeing the porch with his shoe.

And as I should have suspected, the silence only lasted until Quil decided to be the first to break it.

"Dude – what the _fuck_?"

My eyes shifted toward Quil, whose hands were suspended in midair as a bewildered look crossed his face. "Where the hell were you?" Quil exclaimed, letting his hands fall against his thighs with a slap. "You left and – we thought you were _dead_ , man."

Jake winced the same time he nodded at Quil. "I know, and I should have called, but..."

"Yeah, you fucking should have." The truck lurched slightly when Leah pushed her body off it, seeing her opening. "We understand why you left, Jake, but it doesn't change the fact that it was weak and pretty god damn selfish that you did. We're your pack, not some people who don't mean a god damn thing to you. We're a team and you left this big fucking hole in everything we did and _we_ had to deal with that."

"Leah..." Sam's tone was patient but warning, proving he wasn't going to let this become a full-fledged assault on Jake. It was his job and what we _expected_ him to do in his place as Alpha, regardless of whether or not we agreed with it. It was fair. It was just. It was the right thing to do.

But I didn't care. I could feel the anger making its slow, agonizing return because to me, Sam was giving him the benefit of the doubt in making sure he was heard, even after Jake made a choice proving he was none of those things. Sam was sparing Jake the worst of the aftermath, the wreckage he left behind when he made the choice to leave.

Wreckage that extended well beyond the pack.

And it made me fucking burn inside.

"Leah, I _know_ ," Jake insisted, eyebrows raising insistently as his fingers stretched out of the fists he'd been keeping them in. "I screwed up. I made a huge decision without really thinking about it. And you're right – I should have written or called or done something, but I needed the time to figure some shit out. I just _– needed_ to be away for a little bit."

Quil's feet made a shuffling noise on the gravel as he adjusted his feet aimlessly. "Where were you, man?" he repeated quietly, his words still dripping with shock. "Where were you that kept you away for this long?"

Jacob blinked before his eyes once again fell to the ground. "All over, but mostly in one place. Most of it just like this..." He motioned to himself, indicating he hadn't spent much of the time he was away in wolf form.

"Were you by yourself?" Leah cut in pointedly, and my head instinctively turned back toward Jake.

Hesitating for a moment, he shook his head, his lips pressing together in a thin line to let us know that was all he was volunteering – at least at this point.

Leah nodded briskly, a sarcastic smile spreading across her lips. "Figures. Well, whoever it was must have taken better care of you than we did," she spat out, her insinuation lost on everyone but me.

"No," Jake replied steadily, both of us watching Leah as she shook her head in dismay. "But it was a different world – a different place with different people who didn't know me and had no expectations for who I was supposed to be."

Another silence fell over the gathered pack members as I shifted uncomfortably, my back pressed against the truck. I bit back the words I wanted to say, swallowing them one by one as I sucked in a deep, cleansing breath.

"You're still a part of this pack," Seth mumbled from his spot on the far edge of the group, offering Jake the best smile he could muster under the circumstances and the heavy scrutiny directed at his pack brother. "You belonged here. We're your family, Jake."

"I know," Jake nodded toward Seth, one corner of his mouth curling up in return. "This is my home – you _are_ my family, and that's one of the reasons I came back."

My eyes closed as my stomach wrenched at the words he _didn't_ say – the other half of his motivation, the other reason he came home.

I could feel myself slipping, the strength Bella's words had given me dissolving beneath the angry heat gathering at the base of my spine. I turned my head away and squeezed my eyes shut. I held my breath and concentrated, trying with everything in me to shut it off and push it back down.

This time, I heard Sam clear his throat.

"We are your family, Jake, and this is your tribe," Sam spoke up, his voice stern as he remained near his post by the front door. "And this is why you know we won't turn you away – but it's not going to be easy. You lost our trust when you left and being a part of this pack means you're a part of something bigger than yourself. You will have to make amends with each person standing here – and with several who are not – before you earn that trust back. Are you prepared to do that?"

Glancing at Sam before looking back at the rest of us, Jake nodded. "I am." He let his eyes stay fixed on me for a long moment before he spoke again. "But I have to say something. I have to thank you guys – thank you for being there for Bella like I promised her you would be."

Almost on cue, both Quil and Seth shot me apprehensive looks before I swallowed thickly, ignoring the heated, cautionary stare I was sure I could feel coming from Sam's post behind Jacob.

I wasn't sure how or when the copper taste made it back in my mouth.

"Don't worry about Bella, Jake," Leah murmured, avoiding my eyes with everything she had and trying to change the subject. "You told her we'd take care of her and we did, but we would have done it anyway. You told her to be happy – and she is."

For the first time since stepping out to the porch, a full smile curled across Jake's mouth as I once again swallowed down the urge to speak and let my face fall toward the ground.

"I'm glad," Jake murmured. There was a drawn-out pause before he pulled in a breath between his teeth. "Hey, Em?" I stiffened when I felt his stare back on me. "I'm sorry about earlier. I'm sorry for pushing both of you. You were right – I shouldn't have expected her to be ready to listen this soon," he continued, his voice rising with his insistence.

My mouth fell open as my breathing intensified but he kept going. "I just saw her and I felt like I had to make things right. I know you were just protecting her because that's how you've always been and I really am glad you've been there for her but – I still love her, man. I didn't really know what else to do."

The words barely left his mouth before they punched a hole straight through me. My pulse pounded in my head and the nervous energy spreading to each person standing around me was almost tangible as I found myself turning and taking a step back despite everything inside me screaming to stand my ground.

I wondered how the hell Jake didn't see what his words were doing.

But I could see it in his face. I could see what those words meant to _him_ and far rooted they were inside him. He was serious. This wasn't just an afterthought or something he realized once he got back to La Push.

She wasn't just a part of the reason.

She _was_ his reason.

I lifted my face toward the porch and choked down the bile in the back of my throat as I did. To my right, Quil's feet were planted defensively on the ground, eyeing me warily from his spot several feet away – just in case he needed to move fast. For just a second, he shook his head slightly.

But instead of speaking to Jake, I looked past him until I caught Sam's reproachful stare. He took a step forward in response.

"I can't listen to this."

"Embry." Sam's voice was insistent but I ignored it as I turned my back on him and turned my back on Jake, his words, and his apologies that were coming entirely too late. In a different world, his words might have made an impact. In a different world, I could consider forgiving him.

But that world didn't exist anymore, and I couldn't stand there while Jake inadvertently threatened to take away a part of mine.

"Embry!"

Sam's tone was more forceful as I started walking, my eyes on the ground as I purposely put the distance I craved between me and this entire fucked up situation. I wasn't going to stop. His command wasn't enough and even the consequences of ignoring him weren't enough as they filtered through my head with each step I took.

But even in my effort to ignore him as well as the rustling of bodies moving behind me, I still heard the sound of light footsteps frantically running up the driveway from the road. I still managed to see a pair of small feet, reaching through my determination as my gaze traveled up.

Rachel's face, however, was enough to make my footsteps fall short as they stopped completely.

If I could have put a mirror up to what I was feeling inside – the anger, the hurt, the sadness, the indifference, and the intensity of it all – I imagined it would have looked a lot like Rachel's face as she stood in front of me, her steely gaze focused on something over my shoulder as her fists clenched and unclenched with every inhale and exhale.

A few moments later, Paul jogged into view behind her as my gaze bounced to him. He raised one eyebrow in a knowing gesture as if to silently tell me he tried stopping her and obviously failed miserably.

"Jacob. Ephraim. Black."

Rachel ground each word out through her teeth like it physically hurt to speak them before she took a step forward, immediately followed by another. Any other time, I would have tried to stop Rachel – reason with her into talking instead of ripping her brother a new hole to breathe out of – but this time didn't matter.

I was done with all this.

Finding my feet again, I tried like hell to find the indifference again, just long enough to get me out of there. I hesitated just long enough to clap Paul on the shoulder as I passed. "Good luck, man."

Paul gave me swift nod and grunted an indiscernible curse in his throat as he stepped forward, going after Rachel who was already charging the front porch toward her brother.

"Where the FUCK have you been? How in the hell could you just take off and not call? You are a fucking brat, Jacob Black, do you know that? Do you know how worried..."

Rachel's voice was a distant memory by the time I reached the tree line. Hidden by the dense undergrowth and thick pine trunks, the burn resurfaced as soon as it was away from prying eyes – as soon as I had no one to hide it from. My breath quickly changed its pace until I was panting, holding every other one as I tried to contain the rage re-emerging as pieces of what I was walking away from came floating back one by one.

_Thank you for being there for Bella like I promised her you would be._

_I really am glad you've been there for her but – I still love her, man._

_I still love her._

My hands moved in slow motion as I pushed tree limbs out of the way, shedding my clothes and stumbling as I found a place for them, ignoring the long, deep scratches made by the branches I missed. Allowing my body to fall into a crouch as I snuck in one last deep breath, I unfolded as my frame changed with the action, freeing the burn as muscle and sinew twisted before I landed back on the ground on four legs.

As soon as I felt the dirt beneath them, I dug into the earth and ran. I wasn't sure where I was going, but I could feel the heaviness leaving me little by little, my head clearing gradually as I put more distance between me and what was behind me.

The silence inside me was thick, but it also made sure I had plenty of room for my own thoughts. It gave me plenty of space to figure out I should have seen this coming all along. I should have remembered that choices weren't always promises and they weren't always guarantees.

And no matter how certain or final those choices felt, something could always threaten it. Someone could always walk by, and the slightest shift in the air could cause it to all come crashing down.

But as I realized the path my legs were taking me on, twisting past familiar trees and river bluffs, I realized choice was the only guarantee I had.

 _Bella's_ choice – in all of its forms – was the only guarantee I had.

But would it be enough for her?

As I blurred past the perimeter surrounding the old Cullen place, I felt an unmistakable shimmer in the corner of my mind, one indicating another wolf – another mind – joining the collective link we shared as it invaded my consciousness. The presence was there, but the person didn't make a single sound or speak a word to announce his presence.

But his silence didn't matter because I recognized the presence almost immediately, despite its long absence.

_Phase back, Jake._

The silence continued for another drawn-out moment. _Can you turn around? Can you meet me in the clearing near the treaty line?_

Through his eyes, I could already see he was headed that direction but despite his request, my pace never slowed as I weaved around a fallen tree.

_Go be with your sister. Go take care of her._

_Rach is fine – well, after she got done trying to beat the shit out of me. She's with Emily._ _I just want to talk to you. You and me, man. No one else._

_There's nothing to talk about, Jake._

A heavy mental sigh resonated inside my head. _I think there is._

_You thought wrong._

_Dude, come on – do you seriously think I don't know something's up? That something else is going on here? You punching me? The anger? The fact when Bella hugged me earlier I smelled_ you _on her as much as her own scent? Yeah – I noticed, but I didn't say anything because I'm hoping I'm wrong. Still, I just want you to tell me what's going on._

I growled at him, the stubborn sound echoing off the trees as a shudder passed through my moving body. _You really don't want to do this right now, man._

_Try me. I know I hurt you – I know I hurt her – but we can't keep dragging out the inevitable here. We're gonna have to talk about it sometime._

_Glad to see your time away didn't make you any less of a stubborn asshole. Looks like not much has changed for_ you _, huh?_

_That's not fair, man. Do you think I don't know how bad I fucked up? How much damage I did by leaving?_

His words struck something deep inside me as I closed my eyes, allowing instinct to guide me as I felt the memories starting to rise from the corner of my mind in which I'd contained them. This wasn't right. This _wasn't_ fair and I knew it, but a larger, angrier part of me – a frightened part – couldn't fight the urge to prove to him he _didn't_ know how bad he fucked up.

That he didn't know how much his actions changed _us_.

_You say you know – but I don't think you do._

And before I could stop it I forced my words back, letting my anger – my frustration – get the better of me as my mind cleared to make way for all the proof I had waiting to come out.

The flood of memories was almost enough to knock the breath from my heaving lungs as I released everything, the link between my mind and his strengthening instinctively so he could clearly see exactly what his leaving did to me, to the pack, and to Bella.

The fallout came first.

I fed him every memory, one after another as I showed him the everything that happened once he left – from Bella's voice when I called her on the phone after discovering he was gone to her scream muffled by the door between us as she read his letter to her body collapsed on the bathroom floor of his house. I played back her breakdown on the forest floor behind Sam's house as Quil held her, the look of fear and hopelessness as she stood in his living room deciding if she should stay. I showed him Paul's anger, Quil's hopeless optimism, and the empty hole we felt and how it affected every movement, every thought we had as a pack.

 _Embry..._ His voice was a breathless gasp. He'd stopped running, and I stumbled as the residual emotions each memory dredged up knocked me off course for just a moment.

Remembering it all caused a renewed anger to surge through me. In that moment, I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to hurt him the same way he hurt us.

So I didn't stop there. My mind instinctively segued past sadness and pushed deeper to a protected part of my mind to retrieve the answers he wanted – the explanation he was searching for.

Instead, I gave him moments, raw flashes designed to go straight for his gut.

I showed him everything – Bella's lips against mine for the first time, her hand curling around mine as we sat on the beach. The way her body clenched around mine the first time as her teeth bit down on my flesh and she clung to me with everything she had. The times after. The breathy way my name fell from her lips. The taste of her skin on my tongue. The way she gasped in my mouth as her fingers tangled in my hair. How she blushed as she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, waiting for me. The way her body went slack in my arms as she let her head fall back, her mouth open and a smile spreading across her lips.

Jacob's breath was gone but his presence was tangible, seething, and exuded something far beyond hurt. The glimmer of betrayal buried deep underneath all that caused a wave of my own remorse to assault my senses but I pushed it back as quickly as it appeared, remembering Jake's words as I did.

_You wanted to know._

_And like you said – there was no point in dragging out the inevitable._

And I had shown him nothing for which I needed to feel sorry.

Yet just before I pulled in the heat coursing through my veins, before my vision shimmered as my body started to phase back, I allowed him one moment. I gave him one last memory to prove it was more than what I showed him – a memory of Bella standing in her kitchen, her eyes reassuring and a slight smile on her lips as her mouth opened to speak the last words I heard from her.

_"I love you."_

* * *

Hours later, the sun was setting beyond the tree line. Darkness overtook the dense forest as long shadows formed on the ground. I pushed through it, still on two legs as my feet took me in an aimless path to nowhere.

Jake hadn't followed me and a part of me was grateful. My stomach twisted and wrenched the further I walked and my feet were heavier with each mile I put behind them.

At some point though I had to stop, my footsteps ceasing as it all became too much. I leaned my back against a tree and bent over, my hands on my knees as I forced myself to breathe, to choke back the regret attacking my insides.

I'd lost it somewhere in the middle of everything. Somewhere in the middle of my frustration – my _fear_ – I'd lost myself.

And what I'd done to Jake made me no better than him.

It took several minutes to get my bearings but when I finally calmed down enough and found my breath, I forced my feet to once again carry me forward except this time with a destination. I needed a reminder, to remember why I'd done it, even if I couldn't justify the way I had. I had to know why I couldn't lose myself like that again and why I needed to get my shit together and be the person I was supposed to be.

The person Bella counted on.

The person she loved.

Breaking into a jog, it didn't take me long to reach the tree line outside the white house in Forks. Taking a hesitant step out from behind the pines on the far edge of the yard, one glance revealed Charlie's police cruiser still missing from the driveway and a soft light pouring from an upstairs window, the curtains fluttering slightly from the crack she'd left it open.

The house was silent and dark when I let myself in, navigating swiftly through the kitchen as my feet carried me into the entryway. Taking the stairs two at a time, I could feel the weight lifting from my chest the closer I was to the landing.

I didn't know if she'd be happy to see me or mad I came back. It didn't matter though. I needed to hear her voice. I needed to feel her against me and I needed her scent wrapped around me the way it always did when she was close.

I needed _her_ , even if it was only for a second.

Her door was open slightly as I reached it, placing one hand on the doorknob and the other against the wood before pushing it open slowly and peering into the dark room. Bella was laying on her bed, the fading sunlight filtering through the window and pouring across the lower half of the bed. Her back was to me and a blanket was pulled up around her legs. She was still dressed but her breaths were even and slow and even from here I could tell she was sleeping.

Stepping inside the room, I closed the door behind me with a quiet click before letting myself cross the short distance between us. Without thinking and without waking her up to ask for permission, I leaned down and lithely crawled into the small sliver of bed behind her body, her scent already filling my nostrils as it easily dissolved the anxious knot that sat in my stomach from the moment I left that morning.

I didn't want to disturb her but I couldn't help it as I let one arm slip through the small space between her neck and the bed, the other wrapping around her middle. Even as she stirred, I pulled her closer to me in one easy movement, breathing in as I brushed my nose along the heated skin of her neck. My eyes closed instinctively as I smiled against it, my fingers curling around her shoulder as I pressed my lips gently against her pulse.

Jerking in my arms, Bella inhaled sharply as she came to and turned her face away from me, causing her nose to brush against my arm. She made a noise in her throat as she gathered her bearings and turned it back to look at me, her eyes blinking heavily as she fought the sleep from them in order to focus on my face.

"Hey," she finally whispered, reaching up with the arm mine wasn't holding against her to rub her face before letting it fall back on the bed with a soft thud. She studied my expression for a moment, her eyebrows creasing as she frowned. "You okay?"

Nodding, I leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her temple as she lifted her arm again and let her fingers wrap around my arm with a squeeze.

"I am now," I murmured against her hair.

Releasing a quiet hum in her throat, she shifted her body in my arms and I released my grip, allowing her to turn so she was facing me before wrapping my arms around her again. Her hand tucked between us drifted across my chest while the other reached up, her fingers leaving habitual trails down my bicep. Her eyes held mine for several long moments before she swallowed. "How did everything go?"

Shaking my head, my gaze darted down toward the pendant resting against her chest. "We don't have to talk about it."

Bella sighed uneasily as the warm air from her exhale drifted across my cheek. "Did something happen?"

Taking a deep breath, I finally looked up to meet her stare. Her eyes were anxious and worried, pleading with me for the honesty I'd always given her. Reaching up, I brushed a strand of hair from her eyes.

"He knows, Bells."

Her mouth fell open slightly and her eyes jerked away from mine. I swallowed past the lump in my throat as my next words fell easily from my mouth. "I'm so sorry."

Blinking, Bella looked down before her eyes snapped back to mine. She swallowed too, releasing a soft nod as she did. "I have to talk to him." Her words didn't carry the insistence they once would have, but instead they were simple and resigned.

"Yeah," I agreed as her fingers curled around the fabric of my t-shirt.

"Tomorrow." The word was easy and definite as Bella's body moved and she curled into mine, burying her face in my chest as she released one last deep, relieved breath. I did the only thing I could in that moment, pulling her impossibly closer as I closed my eyes and laid my cheek against the top of her head.

I lost count of the minutes as we laid there, as I held her. The only sound I could hear was her short, uneven breaths and the wind moving through the trees outside. The only thing I could feel was her body pressing against me a little closer than it usually did and her fingers curling into my skin tighter than they normally would.

Like they were afraid to let go of me. Like they were afraid to let go of this _moment_.

Like she was holding on for dear life.

* * *


	28. Apologies

_**Suggested Listening: "Hear You Breathing" by Stuart Reid, "Unarmed" by Mariah McManus, "Apologies" by Grace Potter & The Nocturnals, "Speaking a Dead Language" by Joy Williams, "Looking For You Again" by Matthew Perryman Jones, "Tragedy" by Christina Perri, "Feels Like The End" by Mikky Ekko** _

**BELLA POV**

The first thing I noticed when I woke up the next morning was the absence of heat next to me.

The second was the thought tomorrow had come too soon.

It only took a moment for the previous day's events to flood through the traces of sleep left in my head, barely affording me a second to get my bearings before I remembered everything that unfolded. A part of me wondered if I dreamed it all – Jacob standing in my driveway, Leah wedging her too-small body in between the heated ones of two people who looked like they could toss her aside with one sweep of their clenched fists, Embry next to me in my bed almost like he appeared out of thin air.

But I hadn't dreamed it. The massive knot in my stomach _proved_ I hadn't.

I opened my eyes tentatively, both adjusting quickly to the dim light of dawn barely peeking through the window. Lifting my head off the pillow I peered over my shoulder as my fingers instinctively reached out to feel the empty bed beside me. It was still warm, and my stomach knotted when I suddenly found myself wishing Embry was still here.

I wasn't even sure what time I fell asleep, but whenever it was, I was still curled into Embry's body while his fingers absentmindedly traced patterns on my back. The rhythm was slow and leisurely contrary to the insanity of the day leading up to that moment, almost like he was savoring the simplicity of it, the curve of my spine and every touch he allowed it.

And I was greedy. I siphoned his sureness through every brush of his fingers. I felt stronger with him next to me. With his arms around me, I felt like I would get through anything waiting for me.

But he wasn't here, and that wasn't always going to be the case.

The hours after Embry and Leah left the day before crawled by. I spent the first one sitting at the kitchen table, staring out at the driveway while I chewed one fingernail to the quick. I eventually moved to the living room and tried watching television, but found myself zoning out while I did, the actors on the screen blurring together in a mess of colors as I found my mind a million miles away.

The entire time I waited, there wasn't a clock in the house that was safe. Eventually I reached a point where I was half-tempted to unplug or take the batteries out of every single one of them. I checked my phone anxiously, waiting for word – waiting for anything or anyone to let me know how the pack meeting went with Jacob. Maybe Embry was hurt. Maybe _Jacob_ was hurt.

A shudder laced up my spine when I realized a part of me feared for Jacob's safety. While I knew Embry would never hurt anyone unprovoked, the image of his face bearing down on Jacob in the middle of my front yard and the traces of rage in his eyes when he finally turned away were seared in my mind, proving the lengths he would go to protect me from a past I almost let destroy me.

The lengths his _wolf_ would go to protect me.

Sitting on the couch, I lost count of the number of times my fingers reached toward the coffee table – toward my car keys – only to let them fall when I remembered my words to Embry and Leah.

I could do this. I would be fine. Embry was fine and so was Leah. Jacob was fine. I wouldn't panic and I would not fall apart.

_Be strong._

But still I waited, repeating the two words over and over in my head as I took care of the rest of my fingernails, my head jerking toward the front door each time I heard a car drive by and slow down on its way toward the stop sign at the end of the block.

The sun was setting when I couldn't take it anymore, violently grabbing the remote and switching off the television. I threw it on the coffee table with a loud clatter, running one hand through my hair before I redirected it to my pocket. Fingers fumbling, I pulled out my phone and flipped it open, scrolling through the numbers until I landed on Sam and Emily's.

I spent another five minutes staring at the illuminated digits before I closed the phone with a heavy sigh.

My feet eventually found their way upstairs where I shut myself in the solitude of my bedroom before collapsing on the bed. In the silence and without all the distractions, I stared at the ceiling and studied its rough texture as I forced myself to take deep breaths, focusing on pushing down the anxiety of not knowing what the hell was going on while I laid there waiting – on what, I had no idea.

More than that, though, I tried to calm the heavy knot of dread in my stomach – one I hadn't realized was there until I gave myself enough silence and peace to think about it – at all the unknowns to come.

_Bella, you're one of the reasons I came back._

Even though I couldn't be sure of his meaning behind the words, I still knew Jacob. It was almost like his presence had never become a memory, that it never became a part of my past. After all these months I could still tell _exactly_ what he meant, a message buried not so deep in the softness of his eyes and the sincerity on his face when he spoke it.

Now, removed from the rampant tension of his immediate return and without the emotions of others to cloud my own, I could easily pinpoint that look. It was one of unwavering devotion, blind faith and still filled with a promise he made long before he broke it.

It was a look I tucked away, one I spent so much time putting behind me. It was the same one he used to give when I thought I knew everything about life and love, the one he gave me when I knew my ending.

It was one that let me know he wanted to tell me. He _wanted_ me to know nothing had changed.

He wanted me to know he still loved me.

And no matter what, no matter how strong I tried to be, the possibility of hearing those words again – the imminent likelihood of it – scared the hell out of me.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I rolled to my side as a violent shiver rocked my body, pulling the blanket at the foot of my bed around my legs. No matter how much time I wanted – no matter how much I _needed_ – the conversation with him would be inevitable because beyond what he needed to say, there were so many questions he needed to answer. There were so many explanations he owed his family and the pack – so many explanations he owed _me_.

The unknowns of what that conversation might bring forced one anxious, frustrated tear from my eye as I laid there, my knees curled up against my chest and my cheek pressing into the cool pillow.

But I didn't allow a second one. Biting my lip and sucking lungfuls of air through my teeth, I focused on things I _did_ know and things I could be sure of. I focused on the present before the past came strolling back into my life. I kept my eyes closed as I let my mind drift back hours earlier before anything changed, replaying memories of waking up, of knowing exactly what my day would bring and whose hand I would find if I reached out.

I focused on what I knew would help get me through all the unknowns I didn't want.

Embry.

And waking up after the short time I was asleep to the distinct musky sweetness of his scent and his arms wrapped a little too tightly around my body only confirmed what I knew. He was everything I'd grown to count on. He was my solid ground.

And even though I couldn't seem to fight the sinking feeling that the easiest days for Embry and me were long gone, I was going to try like hell to hang on to them with everything I had – starting with that moment.

But like always, with the setting sun came a new day. The moment faded into night and like always, tomorrow turned into today.

Getting out of bed, I dressed slowly and ran a brush through my wavy curls before quietly emerging from my room. I could smell coffee drifting up the staircase but one glance across the hallway revealed Charlie's door was still completely shut, which usually meant he was still in bed.

Frowning, I tiptoed across the landing and padded silently down the stairs. I had no idea who was in my house – and making coffee at that – and I knew Charlie would have been disappointed I hadn't grabbed a baseball bat or at least some type of heavy object to protect myself or his flat-screen television.

Regardless, it was a fleeting thought because as my feet hit the wooden planks of the house's first floor, I had a sinking feeling in my stomach that whomever it was wasn't interested in hurting me or stealing the flat screen.

Curling my arms tightly around my chest, it took a ridiculous amount of moments before I took a step forward and peered cautiously into the kitchen, my breath leaving me in a heaving, relieved huff when I realized who it was.

Embry sat at the kitchen table, his gaze affixed to the sports section of Charlie's newspaper, the other sections spread haphazardly across the wooden surface. His chin rested lazily on his fist and I barely had a chance to figure out it was him or what he was doing before his eyes snapped up toward me.

The smile he gave me over the top of the newspaper was half-hearted. It was hesitant, and it made my insides cold.

"Hey," I murmured, breaking the pungent silence save for the frothing and spitting of the coffeemaker. My lips curled instinctively into my own smile, trying to draw a bigger one from him as I leaned against the doorframe. "I didn't know you were still here."

"Yeah," he said quietly in return, setting the newspaper down on the table before leaning back in his chair and glancing quickly out the window. "Sneaking out in the middle of the night's not really my style." One corner of his lip twitched as he watched me.

Letting my head fall softly against the wood, I took a deep breath. "Well, I just learned something new then because this is a first." I giggled, motioning toward where he sat at my kitchen table. "You being up before me – and you made coffee. _And_ Charlie is upstairs sleeping. You're a brave man, Embry Call."

This time Embry chuckled too and it sent a shiver of warm contentment through my body. "I couldn't really sleep," he admitted, his eyes sweeping over the disheveled newsprint in front of him. "Should I go? I don't wanna have to prove I can outrun him by growing fur and two more legs."

I bit my bottom lip despite the fact my grin instantly widened. "Yeah, Charlie's never been much of a dog person."

Embry hid a full laugh behind his hand as I pushed myself off the doorframe with my shoulder. Grinning, I crossed the kitchen to the coffeemaker. I could feel him watching me tentatively as I moved, as I opened the cupboard and retrieved a mug, removing the pot from under the percolator and pouring it slowly into the cup.

It wasn't until I turned around, clasping the hot mug between my hands as I leaned against the counter, that I met his gaze. Holding his eyes for a moment, I let the smile spread across my lips once again. "I'm glad you're still here."

Embry propped his elbow on the back of the chair as the fingers on his other hand played with the corner of the newspaper on the table, looking away before he spoke. "Are you doing okay?"

Bringing the mug to my lips, I swallowed thickly. "I'm fine."

He sighed before his gaze was back on me, the space between his eyebrows creasing as he frowned. "Bella...you don't have to do this today. You don't have to do this if you're not ready. You don't owe him anything."

Taking a sip of coffee, I lowered the mug even though I kept my eyes trained on it. "I know I don't." This time, I glanced at him quickly to find him studying me inquisitively. "But he's not gonna give up, Em – he was your best friend once and you know him as well as I do..."

" _Knew_ ," Embry interrupted pointedly, his eyes falling to the floorboards.

My stomach flipped at the masked resentment in his voice. While I still didn't know everything that happened between Embry, Jacob, and the pack the day before, a part of me knew it hadn't went well. I came to my own conclusion when Embry spoke those three words the night before, his breath ghosting across my ear as goosebumps erupted down the length of my arms.

_"He knows, Bells."_

And while I didn't know how or why it came down to that – why Embry felt the need to tell Jacob about us so soon, to add yet another rift in their already severed pack – there was only one cause I could come up with that forced Embry's hand in doing so.

Jacob had pushed him too far.

And there was only one subject – one person – capable of eliciting that kind of unrestrained response from Embry.

"Still..." I continued, lowering the mug as I watched Embry. "This has to happen, Em, and there's no point in dragging it out. I..." Hesitating, my mouth went dry as I fought the candor threatening to come out. Closing my eyes, I pushed the words the past my tongue. "I _need_ answers, and as much as a part of me doesn't want to hear them, I don't think any of us can keep moving forward till we get them."

"I know." The forlorn expression on Embry's face made my stomach wrench as his eyes fell from mine. His lips pressed together stoically and he took a deep, reassuring breath before letting his gaze lift from the floor and once again find mine.

"I can do this," I replied, my eyes widening in sincerity, soothing both of us as Embry ran one hand absentmindedly through his hair before standing. My eyes traveled with him as they pleaded with him to believe me. "I can _do this_ ," I repeated forcefully.

Embry crossed the small space between us slowly, his body turning toward mine as he leaned one hip against the counter. I looked up at him as he hitched his thumbs in his pockets and nodded, a small smile forcing itself across his lips. "I know you can, Bells," he murmured.

Letting my head drop, I reached behind me and sat my coffee mug on the counter before letting my own body give into what it wanted as it leaned into Embry, my arms encircling his waist as I pressed my cheek to his chest. I closed my eyes when I felt his arms do the same, his chin gently finding a home on top of my head.

"Plus, the sooner I get _that_ done," I whispered, hoping like hell the words would resonate in the short time it took for Embry to hear them, "the sooner I can come back to this."

Embry's chest puffed as he took a deep breath and released it heavily. My arms squeezed tighter around his body as the warmth of his lips pressed through the hair on top of my head.

I lost track of the moments we stood there like that, completely silent, soaking in nothing but each other's presence, until Embry cleared his throat and pushed away from me unexpectedly. I gaped at him, confused, as he took a few generous steps backward before shoving his hands in his pockets.

A good fifteen seconds later, I figured out why when I heard rough, muffled footsteps moving around on the house's second floor.

My eyes widened instinctively as I swiftly turned around, my heart suddenly pounding as I retrieved my coffee cup and resumed my earlier position against the kitchen counter. I snuck one last glance at Embry as I heard Charlie's footsteps coming down the stairs, and all he gave me in return was one self-assured smile – a smile I hadn't seen in what felt like forever.

Watching him, it was almost enough for me to miss my dad's voice as it descended the last few stairs.

"Geez, coffee waiting for me on a Monday? It ain't even my birthday..."

My eyes snapped toward the kitchen doorway the same time Charlie stopped in it, except his eyes were _not_ on me. Instead, his previous musing about coffee was forgotten as his stare instantaneously fixed on Embry. I watched for a few moments as Charlie assessed, as he silently ran through conclusions and, after quickly realizing there was no rational conclusion on which he could pin this, eventually looked at me for explanation.

"Bells?"

It was the only prodding I needed.

It was my turn to clear my throat as I snuck a quick glimpse at Embry, who was watching me expectantly. "Dad, this, uh...this is Embry," I stammered, looking back at my father.

Charlie's face screwed up in confusion as his eyes bounced between me and the man standing stoically next to our kitchen table and now looking slightly amused. "So is this a new thing, Bells? Sneaking boys I don't know into the house before I wake up – or should I say after I go to sleep?"

"Dad..." I warned as I watched the petulant, fatherly look of intimidation pass across Charlie's features as he continued to appraise Embry. "You remember – I told you about Embry."

Charlie scoffed, accompanied by a not-so-subtle eye roll. "What was I doing when you told me?"

I closed my mouth with a snap as I remembered how I had casually worked the subject into a conversation with Charlie, figuring he needed some kind of nice, cushy distraction when I explained to him why there were nights his daughter didn't come home at all.

"Watching the last Mariners game," I murmured, recalling how it had, in fact, helped lessen the blow caused by the news his daughter had a new man in her life.

This time, Charlie snorted as he crossed his arms irritably in front of his chest. "Oh, well, that explains a lot," he retorted, cocking one disapproving eyebrow in Embry's direction.

Embry, however, saw that as his opportunity.

"Hi, Chief," he piped up, my head swiveling toward him as he stepped forward, approaching Charlie with one hand outstretched. "I'm Embry Call. We've met before, but...not like this."

Charlie eyed his hand warily and didn't respond to the genuine smile Embry was giving him. "What time did you get here?" Charlie queried bluntly.

"Just a little bit ago, sir," Embry replied, his hand still stuck in mid-air. "Bella invited me over for breakfast."

"Right..." Charlie muttered, except this time, his gaze fell to Embry's hand. Releasing an overly dramatic sigh, Charlie finally lifted his own and took Embry's, their palms clapping together as they shook hands and I breathed my own sigh of relief.

"Call, huh?" Charlie repeated as he dropped Embry's hand, allowing him to take a step back. With one quick glance over his shoulder, Embry snuck me a swift smile before returning his hands to his pocket. My eyes were back on Charlie in time to see him cock a curious eyebrow. "Tiffany Call's boy?"

Embry nodded. "Yes, sir."

"Huh..." A few uncomfortable moments of silence fell over the kitchen as Charlie closed his mouth, his intense stare sweeping over Embry one last time – like he was lost in some unknown thought – before he allowed his face to finally soften. My mouth fell open reflexively, trying to think of a way to break the awkward quiet, when Charlie finally decided to continue speaking. "Damn, boy, I don't think I've seen you since you were, like, thirteen years old."

Embry's gaze fell shyly to the floor before he nodded. "Yeah, it's been awhile, Chief."

"That it has," Charlie affirmed, eyeing me as he stepped past Embry and met my stare, raising his eyebrows in a surrendering yet still wary expression. "In fact, pretty sure the last time was when I had to go down to the rez for someone calling in two boys who thought they were being cute by sticking firecrackers in people's mailboxes..."

Charlie was next to me now, reaching for his own coffee mug. He ignored me as I glanced at Embry, who was looking back with one sheepish eyebrow raised and a light grin that made my own lips smile in return.

"Yeah," Embry murmured quietly, almost like he was trying to swallow back a chuckle. "Pretty sure you're right."

Looking down to my left, Charlie was now placing spoonful after heaping spoonful of sugar into his cup of coffee as his mustache twitched anxiously. "So what are you up to these days, Embry? You and that Ateara kid staying out of trouble by sparing other people's private property?"

"Dad!" I exclaimed, nudging him impatiently with my elbow as I scowled at him. His eyes widened indignantly as he shrugged his shoulders. Sighing, I looked back at Embry who was now biting his lip in amusement. "Can I walk you out, Em?"

"Out?" Charlie exclaimed, doing a double take over his shoulder before his speculative eyes fell on me. "I thought you invited him over for breakfast?"

Mouth agape, I searched for the right words to mask my inadvertently blown cover but was rescued a second later when Embry stepped in.

"She did, Chief, but I turned it down – figured I'd still stop by and say hi, though," Embry offered, winking at me when Charlie wasn't looking. "My mom's got a list of stuff for me to do today that's a mile long."

Charlie let out an ironic chuckle as I felt the blush explode across my cheeks. "Hmm, well...okay then. Tell your mom I said hi, Embry."

"Will do, sir."

With that, Embry raised an expectant eyebrow in my direction as I pushed myself off the counter. I let my head dip and bit down on my tongue to keep the deflective laugh from escaping my throat as I made my way across the kitchen. Embry lowered his head too as I passed, the tension evaporating as soon as we made it into the entryway and I threw open the front door, blasting us both with a rush of chilly October air.

"Firecrackers, huh?" I asked teasingly, bits of the conversation we just had rushing back as soon as I pulled the door closed behind us.

This time, Embry allowed the chuckle to escape his throat as he reached the edge of the porch, his breath steaming as the heat of it mixed with the cool air. "It was all Quil's idea, I swear."

"Likely story," I responded, laughing in return as he turned to face me, his shoulders rising and falling with one more heavy breath.

Mine caught in my throat, the sound of Embry's shoes echoing off the porch as the silence took over entirely too quickly. It was almost as if the moment the laughter subsided, the second the lightness evaporated, what was still facing us and what we momentarily managed to forget came crashing down with a breathtaking vengeance.

Swallowing thickly, I crossed my arms in front of my chest and leaned against the storm door. "You want to come over for dinner tonight?"

Embry's gaze snapped up from the porch and the smile once again threatened to pull at his lips. "Really?"

"Sure – you know, since you couldn't stay for breakfast and all," I replied, the humor lost as I chewed anxiously on the inside of my lip, my request ensuring I had something to look forward to once I came home from what was sure to be one of the most difficult conversations of my life.

This time, Embry took a step forward. "That'd be great, Bells. What time?"

"Seven?" I answered, more of a question than a statement as I peered up at him

"I'll be here."

Taking one last step forward, Embry leaned down as my back pressed against the storm door. My eyes closed as he kissed me softly and quickly – once, twice, three times – the familiar haze barely registering on the edge of my senses before he pulled away entirely too soon.

"Love you," his words a breathy whisper as my eyelids fluttered open. My lips parted but nothing came out as he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, returning his hands to his pockets before granting me one last small smile.

I watched him leave, my eyes following the path he took long after he disappeared and even as my fingers distractedly traveled to my lips. They still tingled, needing more than what they were given even as they moved, whispering my response as it was swept away with the crisp, damp breeze.

"Love _you_."

* * *

A few hours later, my fingers were curled in a death grip around the Mustang's steering wheel as I sat staring at the weathered conifers separating First Beach from the gravel lot in which I was parked.

This is where he told me to go. _This_ is where he wanted to talk.

My stomach flipped with anxiety as I closed my eyes, sucking in the biggest breath I could muster, holding it for a few seconds before I let it out in a loud rush. I wasn't even sure if he was here, but for some reason I couldn't pry my trembling hands from the steering wheel. I couldn't move, let alone open the door to leave the protective silence of my car to find out.

After Embry left the house, I eventually went inside and cooked an extravagantly large breakfast for Charlie. He ate it with few words and polished off a couple more cups of coffee, accompanied by a handful of skeptical glances in my direction and a mumble about "the kid destroying his newspaper" before he headed off to work for the day. Once he was gone, I sat at the table unnecessarily stirring my cup of black coffee with the spoon Charlie left sitting on the table while I stared holes through my cell phone, taunting me from its place next to the abandoned sports section.

It was almost nine before I picked it up, my fingers moving robotically over the numbers I still knew by heart.

Halfway through the fourth ring and just as I was about to gladly hang up, he picked up and I thought I might vomit my breakfast all over the kitchen table.

_"Hello?"_

Long pause.

_"...Hello?"_

My mouth fell open but not a single word came out as his voice drifted through the phone and clamped down on my already churning stomach. I tried to speak – I tried to force the words to come, but they escaped my throat in a choked squeak.

Another long pause.

_"Bella?"_

My heart stuttered in my chest as he called me out on my silence, the sound of my own name wrapping itself around and squeezing the knot now rooting itself in the pit of my chest. I inhaled a ragged breath, trying to smooth away the dull ache before letting it out as it crackled across the phone's mouthpiece.

The sooner I get it done, the sooner I can come back to this, I repeated to myself.

My voice sounded like gravel when it finally worked its way from my throat.

"I'm ready to talk."

But now I was sitting here, feeling far from ready despite the fact I watched intently as my fingers finally uncurled one by one from the steering wheel. Something inside me was forcing me to move, forcing me to get this over with, to find Jacob and listen to the answers I knew I needed.

Yet I didn't have to go searching as a light tap on my window caused me to jump at least a few inches off the driver's seat.

It took a couple moments for me to calm my shaky limbs as I cast a tentative glance to my left, holding my breath in my chest as my eyes fell on Jacob's hesitant face, the rest of his body hunched over so he could see inside of the car. His eyes held mine, waiting for permission as his hand moved to the door handle outside the car.

Instead my mind flashed back to another time – an instance eerily similar to this one – nearly two years ago when the relationship between Jacob and I was equally strained, to another time when he wasn't there when I needed him, when things weren't as simple as I had grown to think they were.

In this case, though, the tables were turned. This time, things weren't as simple as he probably hoped they would be.

And the look on his face proved he knew it.

Swallowing back the hard lump in my throat that somehow formed between the time my gaze fell on him and the moment I stopped remembering and reminded myself to breathe, I gave him a barely discernible nod.

The door swung open as Jacob took a couple steps back, his arm still outstretched and giving me plenty of space as his hand grasped the very edge of the door. My eyes followed him even though he barely moved, locking on to his as they assessed me uncertainly, almost like he was hoping one look would help him figure out how much had changed – or better yet, how much I had since he left.

Finally, the digging stopped. The daggers he was using to work his way inside me refocused on the small bit of ground between us.

"I'm glad you called," he murmured.

"Yeah," I squeaked as I swung my now heavy legs out of the car, my feet hitting the gravel with a disconcerting thud. "No point in dragging this out."

Jacob's lips curled into a smile as he made a noise in his throat. "Funny – you're the second person to say that to me in the last day."

The edges of the knot caught fire as I suddenly found my legs and stood, shoving my keys in my pocket as I sent a vehement scowl in Jacob's general direction. Taking a step forward, I grabbed hold of the car door just under his arm and violently slammed it, leaving his arm suspended for a couple seconds before he let it fall dejectedly to his side.

"Well, I'm here," I muttered stubbornly, shoving my hands in my jacket pockets before leaning against the side of my car, letting my eyes fall to my toes as they dug into the gravel beneath them. "This is what you wanted, so you don't get to complain about what I choose to say to you now that I'm here."

This time I chanced a glance at him, my chest throbbing under the weight of his stare. My gaze swept over him quickly, his frame tense and his jaw set stoically as his hands balled in and out of fists at his side. He watched me, his face struggling with the mask of indifference he was desperately trying to hold in place.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he gave in first as he looked away. His body turned slightly as he looked toward the trail leading to the beach, eventually refocusing his onyx eyes on me.

I pulled my coat tighter around me just before he spoke, trying to tell myself it was the cool wind causing the shivers rather than the hundreds of questions and answers he held behind that stare.

"Walk with me?"

This time those eyes widened with hope and the indifference fell away as they tried like hell to remind me why I called him in the first place, begging me to look past everything and give him just a few moments to share his story, whether or not it made a difference. The persistence, the stubbornness I'd seen in them the day before was gone.

It was up to me now. I could follow him or I could turn and walk away. Whichever I chose, the ball was completely in my court.

My fingers digging into my arms, I didn't break eye contact with Jacob as my feet moved before I instructed them to. My body moved hastily, approaching his as he remained rooted in place. My arm grazed his as I brushed past him, the small action enough for him to make a noise in his throat, his eyes closing instinctively as he took a hesitant step back and allowed me to pass.

I barely made it to the tree line before I heard his steady, heavy footsteps behind me, following me as I quickened my steps down the path to stay ahead of him. A moment later, the trees cleared and the wide expanse of First Beach stretched out in front of me, a low-hanging fog lingering off shore and the rough waves crashing against the sand several yards away.

Wherever we were going, I made it my goal to get there quickly. My eyes instantly sought out the bonfire pit used by the pack for all its gatherings, still encircled with several odd-shaped logs.

"So what happened to the truck?"

Stumbling a bit before I regained my traction in the sand, I realized Jacob was now right beside me, peering down at me cautiously as we walked and he chewed on the inside of his lip. Pulling my gaze away, I concentrated on the land stretched out before me.

"Transmission," I muttered.

"Damn," Jake replied, making his voice as nonchalant as possible before shoving his hands in his pockets. He kept his steady, even pace next to me. "That's a really nice car though." He shot a glance back toward the direction we came. "Kinda hope you'll let me get my hands on it one day."

This time I glowered at him in disbelief, even though he let a small smile break through the resolve on his features. He was trying so hard to extend any kind of olive branch to me, to do anything he could that might remind me he was still the person I used to know.

I let my eyes fall back to the ground.

As much as I didn't want to take any kind of peace offering from him, at least not this soon and not before I heard his story, a part of me knew I couldn't go into this with anger. I wouldn't get answers with anger.

"You'll have to get in line – and probably fight Quil for it."

This time, Jacob laughed and the sound ricocheted off my insides, causing my stomach to twist with an anxious nostalgia. "You seen Quil since yesterday?" I ventured, taking a deep breath to calm the twisting inside me.

Jacob made a noise in his throat. "Nope. I haven't seen anyone since yesterday." His words were dismayed but expectant, silently conveying the pack had indeed not welcomed him back with wide-open arms.

The silence hung heavy between us when I didn't respond, stepping over the first log as I reached the fire pit. I pushed my hands in my coat pockets and slowly rounded the blackened, unearthed dirt, ashes and debris still lining the circle from the last fire we had nearly two months ago.

The night everything changed. The night where Jacob – who was now standing behind me – started to become a memory and I slowly started to contemplate a future without him, without that voice, and without those eyes I could feel boring a hole through my back.

Swallowing thickly, I squeezed my eyes shut for just a second as I took a deep breath and turned to face this, to face him, head on.

Jacob was watching me, one hand pushed into his own pocket and his eyes peering up at me despite the fact his face was pulled toward the ground. I lifted one arm across my stomach as the other hand pushed a strand of hair behind my ear, my eyes darting awkwardly over his shoulder as I waited for him to speak. My heart was pounding as he let out his own breath, his lip twitching as his head jerked up and looked out over the ocean.

"You look good, Bells," he murmured, the softness of his voice nearly getting lost amid the sound of the waves.

I nodded mechanically, my lips pursed as I found myself unsure of how to respond. Regardless, one word erupted from the back of my throat and tumbled off my dry lips. "Thanks."

A grin pulled at Jacob's mouth as his gaze once again found the ground. "I suppose I don't really need to ask why."

Pressing my lips together, I shook my head in disbelief. "Is that what you wanted to talk to me about, Jacob?" I ventured distantly. "After all this time, that's the best thing you could think of to start this?"

My lips parted in dismay when I was done speaking and all I could do was gape at him, the nervous trembles rolling off my hands multiplying with each frustrated, labored breath I took. My previous pledge to avoid anger was dissipating because a part of me suddenly wanted to tear him up one side and down the next, but another ached that it had come to this. A sliver of me wanted to end this now and go home, but another deep inside pushed me down as my legs weakened and my body collapsed onto the log directly behind my feet.

I already felt like I was being torn apart and he'd barely spoken a handful of words.

Jacob sighed as he brought his hands up and rubbed his face viciously, groaning as he let them fall to his thighs with a slap. "Dammit, Bella, I'm sorry. Nothing's coming out right, and it's just...I have no idea where to fucking start." The frustration rolling off his tense frame was almost palpable as I watched him. "I feel like no matter what, it's not going to matter or make a difference because..."

"Jacob."

My pulse pounded as I interrupted him, as I watched his feet shuffle anxiously and his hand raise up to rake his fingers through the hair on the back of his head. His eyes snapped to mine in response and I took what seemed like my hundredth deep breath since setting foot on the beach as I tried to calm the nerves inside me.

Jacob was wrong, but it also seemed to be the biggest problem he was having. It was the same war, the same conflict, pounding away at my insides.

In reality, there wasn't good place to start, mostly because there were a _thousand_ good places to start.

I had so many questions. There were so many things he needed to tell me, so many explanations owed and so many apologies to be spoken. There were so many things I needed to tell _him_. I wanted to show him the tears I shed for him. I wanted to scream at him and tell him why I cried for him. I wanted to reassure him I was fine after he left and for him to know I eventually found happiness. I wanted to tell him _why_ I was happy.

But something inside me wanted to delay that part. Even though he already knew, a part of me didn't want to test my strength. A part of me didn't want him to know what helped me through his absence and what sweetened my life after I put it behind me because I didn't want him to ruin it.

So I tucked it all away and brought my eyes up to his before shifting it for a second to the log beside me. His shoulder rose and fell as he comprehended my request, a portion of the stress he carried over the confrontation leaving him as he took one step followed by another. Reverting my gaze to the fire pit in front of me, Jacob lowered himself to the log, making a point to leave a good foot of space between us.

The breath I took was shaky. "Why don't you start at the beginning? That's usually the best place."

Jacob's breath hitched beside me as he took a moment to collect himself and retrieve the memories. "When did you find my letter?"

My stomach tightened at the mention of it and a brief flash of it in the fire, the edges curling as the flames licked at the square edges and the hastily written words, resurfaced. "Three days after I last saw you," I whispered, the words barely audible.

Jacob nodded as he pressed his palms together, bringing them to his lips as he took another moment to think. I turned my head the same time his eyes bounced in my direction, and he eventually let his arms fall to his knees.

"It was the day you found the letter. I left before the sun came up. I was at my breaking point, Bells. I think I hit my breaking point the night I came to you, the night after my dad's funeral. I was so sure that night that pretending things were normal would fix everything and it would make me feel better, but I just laid next to you the entire night. I just laid there and I realized there was absolutely nothing that was going to help, no matter how much I tried to convince myself it might. I can't even really ask you to imagine how hopeless I felt – how empty I felt when I did realize it. It was like I was twisting the knife stuck in my own gut. It was like realizing that no matter what I did, life was never going to be the same and no one was going to be able to help put it back together, no matter what they did.

So I went home before you woke up that morning. I spent two days moving through that house like a zombie, ignoring my sisters and the people who kept calling. I never answered because I knew what they wanted. They wanted to help. They wanted me to pick up and try to move on because I had responsibilities and duties and I had a role to fulfill someday and that didn't stop just because my dad died.

But they couldn't help, Bells, and it did stop – at least for me. That was the world I told you about, the one I didn't know how to live in without my dad. And this world – La Push, this beach, that house – was my father's world. There was no way I'd be able to be what everyone needed and it hurt too fucking much to be here. So I ran away from it. I was selfish and I ran."

Jacob paused for a moment, sneaking a cursory glance in my direction out of the corner of his eye. A ragged exhale escaped my lungs, one I hadn't realized I was holding as I listened to him speak. My heart was still throbbing and my head was still swirling with questions, but I bit down on my cheek and leaned against my closed fist, nodding at him to continue.

"I think I spent the first few weeks I was gone as the wolf just running. I could hear them looking for me, Bella. They never stopped – Sam, Quil, Seth...Embry. They were always looking, but I pushed them out. I blocked them. I let instinct overtake emotion and eventually their minds got softer and farther away until I couldn't hear them anymore. When that happened, I knew I'd gone far enough but instead I just kept running. I kept going to put as much distance between me and this place as I could. I lost track of time and the days just kind of blurred together.

But then I turned. I headed in another direction even though I didn't know which direction it was. I think by that point I'd forgotten what I was running from because I was more animal than human. I was surviving but not really living. The ties to everything I left behind were being cut one by one and after awhile I just ceased to be Jacob. And I think I'd gotten so used to the silence and the distance that I let my guard down, but one day I came too close. Something flickered in my mind and I saw it. I saw _you_. You were sitting on Sam and Emily's front porch and you were watching something. You looked so...empty. Empty and lost. You looked exactly like I felt when I left and it all hit me in that split second. Everything I forgot came right back."

My heart stuttered as the revelation spilled from Jacob's lips and immediately I knew what he'd seen though my recollection was very different. My memories involved watching a different pair of hands floating over a truck motor, drawing comfort from someone who was pouring everything he could into convincing himself he could fix this thing that was so broken.

And Jacob had seen me from the perspective of the person hell bent on putting it back together.

"It was just a split second, Bella, but it was all I needed. I hit the ground as a human and that was all it took to remind me that even as an animal I couldn't escape it. I thought I could get away from it all, run away from it. But it didn't matter how far or where I ran. Eventually I'd have to face what I left behind and why I left it behind because no matter what, the world I was running from still existed.

But I hadn't faced anything. I hadn't even started to heal, and I had to make sure I was fixed before I came back – and before I could face the consequences – and I was gonna have to do it as a human.

So I kept walking, on two legs this time. I knew I was back in the states and it took me awhile to figure out where. It was in North Dakota, and I wound up in some sleepy little town that reminded me a lot of Forks but without all the rain. It hurt to be back like that, Bells. It hurt like hell and I honestly had no idea where to start on myself. At that point, I think I was more messed up than I was when I left. I refused to phase because I didn't want to screw myself up even more by seeing any more flashes of what I left behind. I didn't have any money so I slept in a junked car behind the town's repair shop every night. It wasn't so bad but after a week or so, the people around town started to notice. But I'm pretty sure my dad or the spirits or something was watching out for me the day I found ten bucks on the sidewalk and went to the diner they had there for breakfast.

I was finishing off my third stack of pancakes when this old guy slid into the booth across from me. He didn't say a word – he just sat there with his hands in front of his mouth and watched me. He was Native, older than my dad but not as old as the elders here. He had a long, graying ponytail, and I remember I didn't even stop eating. I just stared at him before he finally talked. He told me he'd seen me around town and he asked me where I was staying. When I told him I was between places, he just nodded like he knew all along and told me he had a basement bed I could sleep in. He slipped me a key across the table and wrote the address on a napkin before he just grunted, stood up and left.

His name was Ben. He was part of the Lakota tribe up in those parts. He lived by himself and worked in a factory the next town over. He never talked much, but he told me I was gonna have to get a job if I stayed there and he never asked questions, so I found work at the same repair shop I slept behind, believe it or not. The guys there had me mostly changing oil, but I figured maybe they'd let me do more if I didn't complain.

I got by for longer than I should have, Bells, and after awhile it almost started to feel like I belonged. It was comfortable and easy because no one knew me, but I still never really faced what I left behind. Instead, I just pushed it down. It never really felt quite right though. It still ate away at me. No matter how hard I tried to forget, a part of me was always somewhere else. A part of my mind was always on home, even if I wasn't entirely aware it was. And I thought about you a lot, Bells. I swear I did. I think a part of me was too ashamed and too proud to admit I screwed up, so I put it off. I put off having to face my mistakes. I kept telling myself I wasn't ready.

I was there for more than three months before I finally told Ben what led me there. He was welcoming – told me he saw something in my face that day in the diner, something that made it seem like I needed some kind of help – but he always gave me my space. Still, there was just something in the way he acted around me. Like he was making up for lost time through me. I never really understood it until I was fixing a belt on his truck one day. While I did, he was telling me how he did woodworking once upon a time, and I started telling him about how I learned the same thing from my dad. My story just kind of came out after that.

That's when he told me part of _his_ story. He told me how he had a family once. He and his wife and two kids, and son and a daughter, and a third on the way – but they lost the third one before it was born. His wife didn't handle it very well and she pulled away, but so did he. He said he ran away once too but he never actually went anywhere. He said he found his escape at the bottom of a whiskey bottle, and he ran away for so long that eventually his life left him. _They_ left him and never looked back."

Jacob stopped talking for a few moments and I had to remind myself to breathe, my body leaning forward as I waited for him to continue. Regardless of my questions and regardless of how I felt, I wanted to hear the rest of his story. I wanted to know how this tied together and how it eventually led him home.

I didn't have to wait long.

"I found him on the kitchen floor, Bells. He was drunk - drunker than I'd ever seen anyone. Fifteen years sober and all he needed was the reminder – the reminder of what it felt like to give up on a family, to give up on what he loved – and he fell apart. I tried to get him off the floor, but he wouldn't move. He just kept mumbling over and over that I needed to get the hell out, that I needed to go home, that I needed to be a man and face my demons before I ended up like him – alone, with no one, with a lifetime full of regrets."

My fingers traveled to my mouth instinctively as Jacob took a deep, ragged breath, the memories of the night creating ripples of anguish across his expression.

"Ben was okay, but it was a wake-up call, Bella. I'd never really been so disappointed in myself, but I think what hurt the most was seeing Ben – a father who's still here and remembering mine who isn't – and knowing how disappointed my dad would be in me for running away when everyone needed me, for leaving the rez, for leaving the pack, for leaving _you_. But mostly, for being a child in a time when I really should have stepped up to be a man. To be the _leader_ I'm supposed to be.

That's what Ben should have done and he's spent so many years regretting it. It's like he told me before I left – sometimes you run away for a reason. Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom and screwing everything up to see the right path and to recognize what you were supposed to do in the first place. Sometimes it takes seeing someone _else_ hitting the bottom for the mirror to go up in front of your face. But it's the choices you make – the choices he didn't make – that keep you from reaching that place. It's mending the bridges you burned so you can make it home. It's fighting for the things you have left, the people that make life worth living."

Jacob's words cut off then and the silence passing between us was tangible. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out as I processed everything he just told me, how he'd spent the last four months running without moving, avoiding the very things he was running from, painstakingly reinventing himself and eventually seeing himself through the eyes of a man who had made similar mistakes.

Those mistakes helped him see his own. Ben, who through Jacob's words seemed like a kind but tortured soul, helped Jacob see his purpose. He was the person who inadvertently helped Jacob heal.

While a part of me was thankful Jacob hadn't been alone, my throat tightened with an overwhelming ache as I let it all soak in. Subtle pangs of betrayal pricked at my insides, despite the good he claimed it did for him and the insight it provided to push him toward doing the right thing.

In that moment, though, it didn't matter that everything he experienced eventually led him home, that leaving was what it took for him to become a better man. It didn't matter because his choice still left an aftermath. While he healed the cracks in his own heart, he'd carved out craters in others.

Maybe I could forgive him for that, but I couldn't forget.

And I definitely couldn't forget the way the cracks bonded themselves back together, creating an entirely different landscape.

I ran my tongue across the back of my lips, trying to ease the dryness in my mouth before I spoke. "I'm glad you had that, Jacob – I'm glad you had Ben. Really, I am," I said softly. "I'm glad someone was there to point you home and you were able to take care of yourself...but that should have been us. We could have done that for you. _I_ could have done that for you. Here."

Jacob pressed his elbows into his knees as he rubbed his face with his hands, shaking his head. "You're probably right, Bells. In fact, I know you're right. _Now_. And if I could go back and change it, I would, but there's still a part of me that feels like I did the right thing by staying away. If I never left – if I came back too soon – things might have been different. _I_ might have been different."

A strangled noise left my lips as I felt hot tears stinging my eyes. "But what about _us_ , Jacob?" The words spilled from my lips before I could stop them, his name stumbling over my tongue as a frustrated sob threatened to escape my throat. "What about what _we_ lost when you left?"

This time, I suddenly found myself jumping to my feet, my fingers flying to my temples as I tried to soothe the frustrated tension pulsing behind them. "This isn't all about you. I trusted you. I _loved_ you. I gave you everything and it wasn't enough." I turned to face him then and Jacob's eyes were following me intently, his chest heaving as he inhaled and exhaled. "I could have helped you but you didn't let me. You just left, and what you did? It made you no better than Edward."

This time Jacob winced and I could tell the words cut especially deep. The pain on his features evaporated quickly though, indicating this wasn't the first time the thought crossed his mind. He'd processed all this already. The deep breath he took and the stoicism that replaced the pain in his expression proved he had run over every single scenario in his head – every word that I could possibly throw at him – before his feet ever hit my driveway.

Jacob's Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed thickly, almost like he was picturing what his departure did to me. His eyes drifted closed for a second as he pulled in one last breath between his teeth. "I know, Bells, and that's the part where I have no excuses because nothing I can say is gonna change that. I know this, and I'll apologize over and over and to my grave if I have to."

It was his turn to stand, the solid lump in my throat screaming as he took a step closer, his solid onyx gaze refusing to release mine. "But you have to know that I never stopped loving you – not for one fucking second while I was gone."

There it was.

My stomach wrenched at the confession and I almost had to swallow back bile when I realized that beneath all that – beneath the heavy implications those words now carried – a part of me still warmed when I heard them. The part of me I'd sealed away beneath those cracks and painstakingly placed in the past responded to words that once meant the world to me.

But standing in front of Jacob, listening to him speak them, I had no idea what the words meant to me now.

"Then why wasn't it enough?" I whispered, my eyes still affixed to his even though I wasn't sure if he could hear me. "Why did you come to me the night before you left? Why did you tell me you loved me then? Why did you make me feel like everything was going to be fine?"

Jacob took a step toward me, his eyes screaming with regret at the reawakening pain in my voice. I was reliving it all as I stood there and my breath was leaving me in roughed gasps as I tried to push down the cries, as I tried to prove to him and myself I could get through this.

He shook his head. "What happened that night, Bella? None of it was your fault, if that's what you're thinking. You didn't push me into making this decision."

I scoffed, reaching up to viciously wipe the rogue tear from my cheek. "So there's nothing I could have done to stop it? There was nothing that would have been enough?"

He took another step toward me. "It _was_ enough, Bells, even if you couldn't stop it," he murmured, his hand rising slightly by his side almost like he was fighting every instinct inside him to reach out to me. "I was the one who wasn't enough. You? _You've_ always been enough."

I could feel something starting to fall apart within me at his words, each one raw and merciless as they clenched around my insides. My lower lip trembled violently before I pulled it between my teeth, biting down as hard as I could to try and push back the two salty tears that escaped and tracked their way down my cheeks. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to forgive him, but a part of me couldn't bring myself to do it because his actions still spoke louder than those words.

"How can you say that to me now?" I managed to finally speak, my voice rough and strained beneath the effort it took. My fingers dug into my arms as they pressed tighter against my chest. "You _know_ what's changed."

This time Jacob's jaw tensed and his eyes sparked for just a brief second. "Embry."

His name, even falling from Jacob's mouth, made sense in the middle of this. His name was the subtle push I needed to take a deep breath and bite my lip, stealing a couple moments beneath Jacob's stare to pull myself together. Wiping away the moisture on my cheek, I nodded as I let my eyes fall to the ground. "He's been here for me – even before you left, he was there. He did what you couldn't then, and it's different now."

Jacob watched me steadily as he chewed on the inside of his lip. "You love him now."

My stomach leapt in surprise at his words, my lips parting slightly as I brought my eyes to his, meeting Jacob's gaze. I took a deep breath and did what I could to find my resolve, to find the strength I knew I had in there somewhere. "Yeah, Jacob – I do."

There were several moments of silence where nothing could be heard except the sound of a distant rumble of thunder, the seas sloshing and retreating against the distant shore as the imminent arrival of rain drew closer. Finally, Jacob took a deep breath, his voice pungent with a certainty I'd come to expect from him. "But you still love me, too."

"What?" I blinked at Jacob, surprised, any other word swept away in my throat.

"Do you?" he ventured, changing his tone to make it sound more like a question, one to which he didn't think he already held the answer.

My face wrinkled in a deep frown as I gaped at him, my mouth falling open as I struggled to find the right words to respond to his. I could feel the sprinkles of raindrops as they made their first descent from the sky, the wind picking up and chilling my skin as it blew in off the sea. "How can you ask me that, Jacob? I did love you, but I loved the person I thought you were..."

"I'm _still_ that person, Bella - at least the parts of me that matter." This time, Jacob took his final step forward and I could feel the heat from his body radiating off mine. My breath caught in my throat as my eyes followed every movement he made, as his hand traveled up from his side without abandon, as his palm pressed itself to my cheek, the heat of it evaporating the leftover moisture from my tears and ebbing the shivers inadvertently rolling off my body.

"And I meant it when I said you were the reason I came back," Jake murmured, his fingers tracing the length of my jaw as I pressed my eyes closed, my lower lip trembling once again. "If there's one thing being away taught me is that I will fight like hell to make it up to you – to prove you still have a choice, if you want one."

I inhaled sharply as I forced myself to open my eyes, reaching up and wrapping my fingers around his hand, pulling with all my might to pry his fingers from my skin. "Please don't do this," I begged, my voice cracking as Jacob pursed his lips together and gave in, letting his hand fall from my face but not before he caught my fingers in his. The warmth of his palm spread through each of my fingers, the familiarity of it nearly taking my breath away.

Somewhere, though, I found it in me to twist my arm from his grasp. "Don't do this to Embry – don't tell me I have a choice. He's your best friend, Jake. You _know_ things aren't the same...and he'd never do this to you."

I wasn't expecting the scowl to twist Jacob's features into an uncharacteristic sneer as the wind whipped his shirt against his frame, completely negating the tenderness and plea from the moments leading up to it. "You don't think he'll fight for you, Bella?" He ground out the words, his head shaking slightly.

"You shouldn't be asking him to!" I retorted, my fingers splayed out against my thighs as my muscles tensed. "And if it was him in your position, you know he wouldn't do it to you. He was _always_ there for you, Jake, and you know he wouldn't hurt you like that."

"You sound pretty confident about that," Jake muttered, crossing his arms in front of his chest, his biceps rippling from the action. He just watched me, his broad shoulders rising and falling as he took each heavy breath.

"I am," I responded, projecting as much certainty into the two words as I felt inside me.

Jacob chewed on his bottom lip, his fingers digging into his skin just below the arms of his t-shirt. He was contemplating – he was fighting with himself over something. "You're right," he finally murmured, nodding slightly as his eyes shifted between the log to his right and my rigid frame. "I _do_ know things aren't the same. He told you he told me, right? That he told me about you and him?"

My heart was pounding in my chest yet again, my fingers curling around the edges of my jacket sleeves. "Yes..."

"Did he tell you _how_ he told me? Did he tell you _what_ he told me?" The veil of betrayal, the raw hurt in his tone grated at my insides and I winced in spite of myself, instinctively taking a step back. My mouth was dry when I opened my mouth to answer, but I shook my head instead.

Jacob's lips trembled as he nodded slightly. "He didn't just tell me, Bella. He didn't just slip it into conversation – he _showed_ me. After I apologized up one side and down the next for what I did, after I told him I still loved you, he showed me everything, Bells."

"Wh-what do you mean 'everything?'" I stammered dumbly, an anxious shudder racing up my spine before goosebumps snaked a path down my arms. I had a feeling I already knew the answer but I wanted him to confirm it. I wanted Jacob to say it again.

" _Everything_ – at least everything that mattered," Jacob's nostrils were flaring by this point, the muscles twisting beneath his forearms as he clenched his hands into tight fists. "And he didn't do it to _explain_ it to me, Bells. He did it out of spite. He did it to hurt me back, so I'd definitely think again before you tell yourself he's not already fighting – that he wouldn't be telling you the same things if he was in my position."

One arm moved automatically to my stomach, my fingers clawing at the polyester fabric of my jacket. My insides were churning and I sucked in a deep breath, holding it as I tried to calm the protesting, fighting the urge to expel it in the sand between us. At the same time, my cheeks blazed. I was mortified and as Jacob stood there, his eyes raking over my body and stoically taking in my reaction, I felt the same sharp pangs of betrayal I'd felt earlier.

Those weren't Jacob's memories to possess. They were mine. They were Embry's. They were _ours_ , and he had no right to them.

And Embry had no right to share them.

Yet at the same time, Jacob had thrown Embry under the bus to prove a point, in a moment of hurt and anger, which only confirmed what I feared most. It only proved what everyone had predicted as I saw the evidence standing in front of me – the new cracks, a new divide already forming among friends, among a family.

It was too much.

"I'm done," I whispered, knowing Jacob could hear me. This time I met his gaze as my body turned slightly. "I'm done with this." My feet easily found traction in the sand as my legs shifted the rest of the way and I stepped around the fire pit, my eyes focused on the tree line up the beach and my mind focused on leaving Jacob standing behind me.

"Bella." I could hear his footsteps in the sand, the grains flying and colliding with the others as his feet kicked them up. "Bella!"

I felt blazing fingers curl around my arm.

"Don't!"

There was venom and a ferocity in my voice I didn't recognize when I spun around faster and with more grace than I thought my body was capable of, glaring at Jacob as a ripple of shock passed across his features. Only a second passed, his body withering beneath my gaze before he released my wrist, gingerly taking a step back while never averting his imploring eyes from mine.

"Bella, I'm..."

"STOP."

The word seethed from between my lips as I took another step back – another step away from him. "Stop apologizing." I ignored the mournful expressions spread across his face as I took yet another step back, forming my last acidic words to him as they pushed their way over my tongue.

"Welcome home, Jacob."

His features crumpled and his entire frame sagged in momentary defeat as I turned my back on him yet again, my chest throbbing as my adrenaline-fueled footsteps pressed into the sand, leaving Jacob and his apologies standing alone on the beach.

* * *

"Heading into the bottom of the fourth, Hernandez takes it to the mound and boy, does he ever..."

The clattering of the roaster colliding with the stove burners was enough to drown out the din of the Mariners game blaring from the living room. The noise startled me enough to jump, despite the inadvertent force I'd put behind the action. Releasing the handles, I let the pot holders fall to the stove before my fingers gripped the edge of the appliance, leaning all my weight against the warm, metal edge as I took a deep, soothing breath.

My mind wasn't on the chicken, sizzling in its own juices inside the roaster. It wasn't on Charlie's punctuated fits of rage coming from the living room, directed toward the television and the game he was watching that clearly wasn't going his way.

Instead my focus was on my kitchen table, taunting me as I turned my head just slightly to look at it, the surface set meticulously for the dinner that was just about ready. Bread and butter was pushed to the edge just under the window, and a steaming bowl of vegetables rested just to the right of the pot holder awaiting the roaster in front of me. Everything was in its spot, glasses resting just above each placemat and silverware placed perfectly parallel as it flanked each plate.

Two plates.

My words to Jacob just before I left him on the beach pulsated inside my head, my ears ringing and my hollow stomach twisting in on itself. I'd already played the conversation back in my head multiple times, each recap sweeping away what little emotional energy I had left.

Only hours removed from Jacob's return, I could already feel the fissure starting inside me. Past was pitted against present, and nothing was safe. In a fight for dominance – in a fight to prove something to one another – nothing was sacred, and looking at the two plates on the table left tears in the corners of my eyes, begging for release.

But I refused to let them fall. I was tired. I was disappointed, and for today, I was done.

And I knew my words would be tested - my resolve pushed to the limit – when a soft but distinct knock sounded at the front door.

Drawing in another breath, I held it for a second as I rubbed my hands down my pants. Letting it out in an unrestrained rush, I turned and made my way to the entryway.

"I got it, Dad," I called listlessly even though I wasn't sure Charlie heard the noise himself.

Tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, my trembling palm grasped the metal handle and turned, pulling the door open. I was greeted by a cold burst of damp air, immediately followed by a familiar half-smile, outshining warm features illuminated by the dim porch light just above the door.

Embry's charcoal eyes pierced straight through me as he shifted his weight to his other foot, his thumbs hitched in his jeans pocket as his gaze raked over my steady expression. His lips parted slightly, his tongue darting out as he licked the top one before pulling the bottom one nervously between his teeth.

"You said seven, right?" he finally spoke, his face warm but his eyes clouded, his own questions swirling within them and biding their time until they received answers. He was uneasy but there was no cheapening the calm, the ease – the happiness – as it washed over him the second I opened the door and he saw me standing behind it.

My throat constricted as I tried to swallow past the dread-fueled knot materializing inside it, overtaking the numbness I pledged to hang onto as I gripped the edge of the door. Leaning against it with my shoulder as I tore my eyes away, I focused on Embry's feet as they shuffled anxiously on the wooden planks beneath them.

"Yeah," I finally murmured. The word cracked as it came out distant and cold.

Embry's feet shifted again and took a step closer, the tone of my response not lost on him. "Bella...are you okay? What's wrong? What happened?" His voice rose, the anxiety giving way to a protective irritation with each question.

My lips puckered, brows pulling low over my eyes as I finally looked back up at him.

"What did you show him?"

Embry's eyes widened slightly at my response, his mouth open and frozen as he let my unexpected question linger in the thick silence between us. "Bella," he said quietly, determinedly. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but..."

"What did you show him, Embry?" I repeated, slower the second time as my fingers dug into the uneven planes of the wooden door.

He let out a long, defeated sigh, his mouth closing with a snap. This time, he squeezed his eyes shut and drew in a quick breath through his nostrils. My gaze traveled down the length of his frame, studying the tense muscles beneath his skin and his trembling fists as they pressed into his sides.

"I showed him you," he finally spoke, his lashes lifting from his cheekbones. "I showed him flashes of _us_...together."

My stomach wrenched all over again as Embry only confirmed what I already knew. He'd left that part out when he came to me the night before, and I had to learn about it through Jacob, using it as a ploy to question the trust that rested squarely in Embry's hands for so long. Still, that wasn't the worst of it. In fact, it hardly mattered.

While the dishonesty through omission undoubtedly pricked at my faith in him, that wasn't what stole the breath from my lungs as I watched Embry, remembering the intimate moments – the flashes of hands and mouths on heated skin – shared only between two bodies and the walls that contained them.

Moments that had nothing to do with Jacob but were handed over to him anyway, fired at him unforgivingly like some kind of ammunition.

My lips parted to speak but nothing came out, and Embry took another step forward, his arms raising as one palm curled around my shoulder and the other tentatively ghosted down the length of my cheek. "Bella, I'm not proud of how I did it, but he needed to know. He needed proof you weren't his anymore..."

"I'm not a prize, Embry!" I exclaimed, jerking away from his palm as I stepped forward and pulled the door shut slightly behind me. "I'm not a pawn for _either_ of you to use."

The disappointed frown weighed on my lips as I glowered at him, and the anguish flickering across his expression was nearly enough to knock me off course. He knew what he did was wrong, but the lump in my throat screamed as his eyes closed and his shoulders slumped despondently. I shot a glance into the night before I turned back to him, my nostrils flaring and bottom lip quivering, the real reason for my anger spilling out alongside one lone tear before I could stop it.

"Those memories were _ours_ , Em. They were the one thing we had that Jake couldn't touch – the one good thing that came out of the mess he made when he left, and you just _gave_ that to him."

Embry blinked rapidly as understanding pulled down the corners of his mouth. His eyes cast downward, shame settling on his features as he toed at the porch with his shoe and he realized why a part of me felt cheated by his actions. "I'm sorry, Bella." The words were laced with an intense regret. The chagrin in his voice, the disappointment in him, was nearly tangible.

Bringing one finger up to my eye, I fervently brushed away the second tear before it fell. My insides were aching and flames licked at the knot in my throat, cruelly reminding me why I couldn't do this anymore today.

"You should go, Embry," I whispered as my other hand reached behind me, curling around the door handle and pushing it open, taking a step back into the entryway.

His gaze flitted back up to mine, his eyes glassy with regret. My breath caught in my chest and I could feel everything inside me starting to come undone, the sheer emotional magnitude of everything I tried to ignore now threatening to swallow me whole, before Embry pursed his lips and nodded.

"Please don't push me away, Bella – not again."

A noise escaped my throat before my hand drifted to my lips. I shook my head as I took another step back, the palm of my other hand gliding up the door's painted finish. "I'm not," I murmured. "I just can't do this tonight. I just need some time."

"Bella..."

Embry's words were cut off as I pushed the door shut in front of me, my fingers abandoning the metal handle as both palms slid up the wooden exterior. My fingers curled into the wood as the latch clicked into place, the sound ripping through me like a gunshot as I forced myself into a solitude I knew I needed but wasn't sure I wanted.

_Be strong._

But in that moment, I wasn't.

As I finally turned and pressed myself against the door, my knees quivered, the weight of everything – Jacob's words on the beach, his story, Embry's eyes as I closed the door between us – pushing me to the floor. The strength I knew had solidified inside me over time gave way for a split second, caving alongside my body as it slid down the wood surface, my frame folding in on itself as I pulled my knees against my chest.

I buried my face in denim-covered thighs, my body shaking as the material swept away the moisture falling from my cheeks. Every painful, agonizing moment from the hours leading to this one lined up – every moment of weakness I'd pushed down bubbled to the surface – seeking and waiting for some form of release as I pushed it all out through silent sobs.

I'd tried so hard to be resolute, but my resurrected past was rattling fiercely at its restraints, pounding at the part of me I kept locked. In the same breath, my solid ground had quaked beneath my feet, and I allowed myself to feel the sharp, unpredicted yet warranted sting of a desperate, human mistake. For a moment, I let myself be tossed into the waves of uncertainty before I knew I had to force myself to stand up and keep moving.

Pressing my cheek into my leg, I pulled in a deep breath to suppress the cries already starting to dwindle.

Tomorrow would be here soon and this day would be over. Tomorrow, I promised myself I'd do better.

Because I refused to let this break me.


	29. Fight

_**Suggested Listening: "I Don't Know You At All" by Matthew Mayfield, "Everything But You Was Facing North" by Fossil Collective, "One by One" by Unkle Bob, "Be What U Wanna Be" by Sarah Fimm, "Comin' Home" by City and Colour** _

**JACOB POV**

"Jacob Black, get your ass in this kitchen and help me find the fucking cake pan!"

I slammed the top drawer of my dresser shut with more force than necessary, the objects scattered on top of it shaking with the momentum behind the movement. I reached out, steadying the barely-used bottle of cologne as I tried to remember how much I _didn't_ miss that underlying tone in my sister's voice.

I'd gotten used to not having her around. At least I had before I left. She hadn't been living in this house for years, but now, even as I tried to adjust to all the changes around me, Rachel and her annoyingly pithy demands were just two more straws on the camel's back.

Whatever. It didn't matter. Rachel was the least of my worries right now.

She'd already forgiven me, at least as much as she could. It was easy for Rach because she was spared the worst of it when I left.

My eyes drifted to the two photos hanging above my dresser, my chest tightening, teeth grinding together unconsciously as my gaze landed on the one to the right. Instinctively, my eyes swept over the captured memory, taking in _her_ smile, the way her hair fell over her shoulder, and even the way her fingers curled into my arm before the photo was taken.

I didn't have quite as much to make up for with Rachel as I did with others.

My fingers pressed into the dresser, threatening to splinter the wood if I put any more force behind the action.

With the thought of Bella came the others.

I couldn't keep _those_ fucking thoughts from my head, thoughts that didn't belong to me and flashes I frankly could have gone the rest of my life without seeing. At least like _this_. Like a spectator to something that should have been mine. It _was_ mine, but I'd been too stupid, too blinded with grief to see it through.

And now I was paying for it. Paying for it with images – someone else's memories – seared into my brain. Images of Bella and my best friend together in a way that she and I never were.

It wasn't right, and it gutted me to my very core.

I'm not sure what the hell I was expecting to come home to. A part of me hoped they would understand why I did it. A part of me was hoping they'd easily forgive me.

A part of me deep down hoped I'd come back to things exactly how I left them.

That part of me also happened to be delusional, all red flags and rational thought blinded by a haze of false hope and wishful thinking.

But underneath all that I knew.

I deserved this.

I deserved everything I'd gotten since I passed through Port Angeles, trying with every ounce of restraint in me to keep from pushing the gas pedal of the old truck Ben had lent me to the floor. I was only thirty minutes from home. Thirty minutes from her.

I deserved it when Bella pushed away from me, when she slapped me across the face, treating me exactly like the person I was – the person who'd built her back up once before I did the exact same thing to her. I deserved the look of hatred she gave me before she left me standing on the beach. The tears in the corners of her eyes were the price I paid for what I did to her.

The price _she_ paid.

But it wasn't the worst.

The worst were these thoughts. The worst was what happened when I wasn't there to see.

I couldn't deny that deep down I was _glad_ it was Embry who stepped up, who was there for her. A part of me actually expected him to. If there was anyone in this world I could see taking care of Bella as well as I could, it was Em. He was my best friend, my pack brother. He solved problems. He was the levelheaded one, the one that always talked me down, the one that always seemed to know what to do even when shit was rough.

He'd spent his entire life taking care of people because no one ever took care of him.

And fuck if it didn't make sense.

But that didn't make it easier to swallow. I'd never expected him to take care of her _this_ much. To step up in _this_ way. To be there for her like _this_. To not only make her happy but also to fill a role I'd previously occupied. To not only fill it but to make her _happy_ , to please her – to love her – in a way I never had.

And I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me sick to my stomach.

Not because of who it was.

Because it wasn't _me_.

But that didn't mean I wasn't going to try. That didn't mean I wasn't going to fight for what I left behind, to right these wrongs I couldn't get my head around.

Everything was so messed up and I wasn't entirely sure how to deal with it. I was struggling, and some things I was going about completely wrong. Even I knew that. But everything was so different. Four months ago, I would have known exactly where to start and the best way to go about accomplishing what I needed to do.

I felt like none of that applied now.

It was like the entire pack dynamic had shifted in the four months I was gone. Everything recalibrated – new loyalties were formed – when I forced them to find a way to carry on without me. I'd been written off. Some of them were still trying to understand, but the cracks I'd caused were easy to see and they tore at me. They'd reformed in a way that even I barely recognized.

Just like Bella had.

Yet she was still there. There were still parts of her there I could see, parts I recognized, and if there was anyone in this world I knew better than myself, it was Bella.

I could see it in her eyes when she looked at me. I could see it in her expression. There was hesitation beneath that hardened mask, even when she told me things changed. Beneath her resolve, beneath that layer of pain and resentment she was holding on to, there was a flicker of the Bella I used to know.

The one who used to love me. The one who possibly still did.

And so long as there was a possibility, I couldn't back down. I couldn't accept it until she told me there was no chance, and even then, I wasn't so sure I could.

It was up to me to fix it all. It was up to me to fight for my pack. To fight for Bella.

That was the only thing I did know. Maybe I did deserve everything, maybe everyone did change, but it didn't change that voice, that nagging instinct inside me. I needed to fight for the people I loved, just like my father had taught me and just like Ben _showed_ me. He didn't fight and, as a result, he had lost everything.

"JACOB BLACK!"

Shaking my head in an effort to clear it, I groaned as I pushed myself off the dresser with my palms. "Jesus, Rachel, I'm COMING!"

Emerging from my room, I huffed my way down the hallway before turning to go into the kitchen. Rachel was crouched to the ground, her body twisted and her head half-stuck inside the cupboard next to the refrigerator. The sound of metal clanging together was the only thing I heard aside from her muffled grunts of frustration.

"What the hell are you freaking out about?" I snapped, leaning against the refrigerator, my brow furrowing as I watched her. She jumped slightly before pulling her body back.

She glowered at me petulantly. "Cake pan. Where is it?"

Rolling my eyes, I shot a quick glance to the other side of the kitchen. "Did you check the cupboard above the stove? That's where it's been kept for the last eighteen years, Rach."

Rachel snorted as she ran a hand through her hair. "Thank you, Captain fucking Obvious. You say that like I didn't live here for most of those years." Rocking back on her heels, she propped her elbows against her knees before cocking an eyebrow in my direction. "I already looked there."

"Then I have no idea," I answered, taking a deep breath as she stood and turned to face the other direction, her eyes surveying the room almost like the cake pan would jump out of its hiding place the longer she silently bullied it.

Groaning, Rachel crossed her arms in front of her chest. "You know, I'm really glad Bella stayed in the house for a few months when you were gone, but she completely reorganized this fucking kitchen when she did. It took me 20 minutes to find the damn can opener yesterday."

My stomach twisted slightly at Rachel's mention of Bella. Sam had told me about Bella staying in the house. He told me how she did it, claiming it was so someone could be there to take care of the old place in case the roof sprung a leak or a pilot light blew out or some kind of excuse like that.

But I knew Bella, and I also knew she didn't know the first thing about pilot lights, not to mention how to fix a leaky roof.

She hadn't stayed here to take care of the house. I knew the real reason, and so did he, even if Sam thought he was trying to protect Bella by sparing me the truth.

She was here because she was hanging on. She was hoping. She was waiting for me to come back.

But she hadn't stayed here the whole time. Sam told me she went home a month or so ago with no warning. She hadn't told a single person she was leaving and they only found out once she was back and settled in Forks.

Which means that's when she stopped hoping. It was when she stopped holding on.

When she stopped waiting.

"Yeah, she definitely kept busy," I murmured as Rachel dropped to her knees once more.

I let the sour tone in my voice, implying something well beyond this house, fade as I snuck a glance over my shoulder and let my eyes scan the parts I could see. Bella had reorganized and cleaned every nook and cranny of the old red house. The guest room was cleared of old boxes, the stray cobwebs in the corner of the living room were missing, and shoes were lined up meticulously on top of freshly washed rugs. Her hairbrush was still laying atop the bathroom sink.

My bedroom was the only tiny spot in the house that was exactly the way it was when I left.

"THERE!"

Rachel's sharp, triumphant cry cut through my thoughts as she craned her neck and held the aluminum pan above her head. She flashed me a bright smile – the only person who'd really given me a proper smile in the past five days – before turning back and throwing her arms out, palms up, in disbelief.

"She put ALL the baking stuff down here under the stove – cookie sheets, muffin tins, everything. Who the hell keeps this stuff under the stove? What if you turn the broiler on?"

"It's metal, Rach – it doesn't melt."

"I knew that..."

With an aggravated sigh, I pushed myself off the fridge. Turning and opening the door, I retrieved the half-gallon of orange juice from the top shelf. Closing the door with my hip, I popped off the plastic cap and put the jug to my lips.

"What the hell do you need a cake pan for anyway?" I blurted out, the orange juice an afterthought as I lowered the jug without taking a drink. "Since when do you bake? Last time I checked you were the only person I knew who could burn water."

Rachel rose to her feet, the cake pan still gripped in her fingers before she haughtily slammed it down on the stove burners. She spun on the balls of her feet, popping out one hip and placing her hand on it just like she used to do whenever Dad was about to lecture her for something she didn't believe she did wrong.

"For your information, shithead, I'm going over to Sam and Emily's for dinner after the little training thing you guys are supposed to be having this afternoon," she spat out, glaring at me as she forcefully pushed each word out of her mouth.

"And you're taking a cake?" I blinked at her in disbelief. "That's rich. Who you trying to impress, Rach?"

The glassy look that spread across her eyes answered my question the same second I felt an agitated heat form at the base of my spine.

"Am I safe in assuming this isn't a dinner for three?" I muttered between clenched teeth.

Rachel let her eyes fall to the floor, a brief wave of subtle awkwardness creeping over her features. "If you must know? It's not." Her stare was shifting now between my feet and her own. "P...Paul and I are both going."

I again found myself fighting the urge to throw up.

If there was anything that rocked me almost as much as what I'd found out about Bella and Embry, it was the fact Paul – volatile, obnoxious, chauvinist Paul – had _imprinted_ on my sister.

My _sister_.

I loved Rachel. She was my sister so I kind of had to, bad attitude and all. And even Paul, on his best days, was tolerable. When it came down to it, I knew he'd fight for his pack. He'd fight for his family. His loyalties were usually in the right place, even if he was a royal pain in the ass and was a huge douche more often than not.

But then he imprinted. On my sister.

It was like the spirits decided to plop a big old fucking cherry right on top of this messed up world I'd come home to.

The thought alone was enough to cause a shudder of rage to crawl its way up my spine. Had I been there when it happened, I probably would have piss-pounded him. I'd been in Paul's head and it wasn't a pretty place to be. In fact, his head wasn't flattering to any woman, and the fact Rachel had now replaced all those bimbos he previously used to get him through the most boring parts of his day was enough to make blood boil.

Then there was the fact I loathed the concept of imprinting in general.

Had I been here, I would have sat Rachel down. I would have told her she had options. I would have encouraged her to think long and hard about it, to try her fucking hardest to keep living her own life despite what our dead ancestors obviously thought was best for her.

That's what I _would_ have done.

But again, I hadn't been there.

With each new thing I learned – with each change that kept cropping up – it became harder and harder to hang on to my resolve, my belief that staying away was the right choice. I couldn't help thinking that if I had been here, a lot of crap would have turned out very differently.

"Well, that's just fucking brilliant," I countered coolly as I avoided Rachel's insistent stare.

This time, Rachel sighed. "I don't like it anymore than you do, little brother, but...I can't help it. I kinda thought the same thing too at first. But I've spent some time around him and while I definitely don't plan on letting him scoop me up in his mouth and hide me in his kennel any time soon, he's just...he's just different around me. He's not the Paul I remembered. It's weird, actually. He was always such a blunt asshole, but when he's around me now, he's almost...tender."

I couldn't control how hard I rolled my eyes at her words. "I think I just threw up in my mouth a little."

She just gaped at me, almost like she was willing me to believe her. "Paul and tender are not two words that should be used in the same sentence – ever," I pressed on obstinately.

Rachel took a deep breath, releasing it in a heavy rush. "Just wait. I didn't believe it myself at first, but...you'll see. Maybe next time we're all together, after things kind of...I don't know...settle down."

My jaw tightened at her words. They were cryptic but I knew exactly what she meant.

Placing her hands on her hips, Rachel moved toward me and planted one hand on my shoulder, taking the orange juice jug from my hands and pushing me out of the way of the fridge. "So I know you have to be all wolfy and shit and you have responsibilities and all, but one of these days we need to start going through Dad's stuff."

Thinking about my father didn't do what it used to. Somewhere along the way, I stopped being numb. I stopped treading water, and the knives that pierced my gut dulled when I took a moment to remember my dad was dead.

When it came to taking those weeks, those months to myself, time had been good to me in that respect.

It was the _only_ respect where it did me any favors.

The rest of the time was wasted. I spent months hiding, letting minutes, hours and days tick by. It was time I should have used to figure out how to handle everything, every possibility I left behind. I should have prepared myself, but I hid.

I hid until I didn't. I hid until I realized what I could lose if I didn't come home.

It was just like I told Bella – I _needed_ to come home. I needed to step up.

Again, I needed to fight. I needed to because I hadn't been strong enough to do it in the first place. When it _really_ mattered.

And when the fighting was done, when my burned bridges were mended, when everything was in its place, I could focus on doing what I needed to do to step up. I could focus on filling my father's shoes and taking charge of my family, my tribe.

I could take charge of the pack.

Like my dad always wanted. Like my dad said I should have done in the beginning.

"I know," I agreed, turning and shuffling out of the kitchen. I felt Rachel's eyes boring holes through me from her spot in front of the refrigerator. "There are a lot of things I need to work on one of these days."

And today – at the pack's training – would be as good a time as any to get started.

* * *

A few hours later, I was hiking through the woods, painstakingly making my way to the clearing near the treaty line.

It would have been faster to phase, to run to the training Sam scheduled for the afternoon. Probably would have been easier too, but facing everyone when they were phased wasn't something I was entirely sure I was ready for. At least not yet

Regardless, I was going to have to face it some time today. There was only one justifiable reason why Sam organized a "training" while everything between the me and the rest of the pack was still so volatile and unstable.

So I took a moment. I chose two legs instead of four so I could buy myself some time to figure out the best possible way to tell them – to show them – where I'd been for the past four months.

I'd wanted to do this one by one, to approach each pack member in a way that would possibly work with their personalities and the way they handled problems, but Sam was choosing to throw me in head first without a life jacket.

My pulse pounded and my breath was unnecessarily labored by the time I reached the river, automatically turning north to close that last mile between me and my possible absolution. Or my crucifixion.

It could still go either way at this point.

"So you forget how to grow your fur or something?"

Jerking my head back to look behind me, I was met by Quil's inquisitive stare as he appeared from behind a tree. For a second, I wondered how he managed to sneak up on me before he hopped over a fallen tree branch, raising his eyebrows in my direction. Quil shoved his hands in his pockets as he fell into step a few paces behind me.

"Nope," I replied softly. "Just figured walking would be a little more...quiet." Frowning, I shot another glance over my shoulder. "Where'd you come from?"

Quil's heavy sigh filled the moment of silence between us. "Was running and I saw you over here. Figured you might want some company. Been a long-ass time since we actually had to hike through these woods, you know. Takes a while."

"Yeah it does," I murmured, the words trailing off as I took a deep, contemplative breath. "So why the hell are you being so nice to me?"

"Dude," Quil chuckled gruffly. "Have you ever known me to hold a grudge?"

I felt a smile pull at my lips as I instinctively slowed my pace, allowing Quil to catch up in a few lithe, easy steps. "So you're not pissed at me?"

This time Quil scoffed, veering to the left as he avoided a dip in the earth below us. "Oh, I'm pissed. Trust me, I'm pissed." My jaw tightened inherently, preparing to put my guard right back up where it was just before Quil continued. "Doesn't mean I blame you, dude. For leaving, I mean."

My eyes widened for a second before I trained my bewildered stare on Quil. "Really?" The one-word question came out hopeful, practically dripping with shock behind it.

"Nope," Quil replied quickly. "I get it...your dad died. I know how that feels, even though I barely remember _my_ dad. But that still doesn't mean I don't get it. And you've pretty much been like a brother to me my whole life and I'm not gonna hate you for fucking up, especially since you did the right thing...you came back. Better late than never, I always say."

This time I allowed a small smile to spread across my lips. "Thanks, Quil. It's kinda nice knowing I have someone in my corner."

Quil shrugged. "We're all in your corner, man – you're still pack. You're still family. We're still besties or whatever." I chuckled and snuck a glance at Quil, whose ridiculous grin enveloped his face before he let it fade just as quickly. "No one's really forgot that. Doesn't mean they're not pissed at you too though."

"Yeah, I gathered that much." I sighed before I reached out and pushed back a low-hanging branch. "Well, what are _you_ pissed off about, Quil? I'm trying to make amends, so the best way to do this might be one person at a time."

"Honestly?" Quil mulled the question over for a second, clearly taking a moment to compose the best possible answer he could give me. Before he spoke, he let out a long, rough breath. "I guess what I'm most pissed off about is how you tore back in here thinking everything would be exactly the same as it was before you took off."

"I _didn't_ expect..."

"You _did_ expect, man," Quil interrupted pointedly. "I get it though. Hell, for a while I even thought things might be able to stay the same, too, but...shit happened. Some of us changed, dude. I mean, you know about Paul and Rachel. Leah's been around a lot more than she used to be. And, well...there's the whole Em and Bella thing."

For a moment and by some miracle, I'd forgotten, lost in my thoughts and silent predictions on what lay ahead of me and what I was about to face as a member of my pack. But with Quil's single mention, the memories – the reminders – assaulted my senses.

" _You love him now."_

" _Yeah, Jacob – I do."_

I almost stumbled, squeezing my eyes shut and trying to calm the sudden storm in my stomach.

I swallowed thickly before I forced my eyes open and made myself say the words, despite how the rest of me pushed back. I wasn't entirely sure I was ready to hear the answer to my next question.

"How did it happen, Quil?"

Quil was silent next to me and for a second, I wasn't sure he was going to give me a response. "Honestly?" he finally spoke. "Most of us didn't know until after it already did, but once we found out, it was a hell of a lot easier to go back and think about it." He glanced at me skeptically and buried his hands further in his pockets. "He just _got_ her, man. It's hard to explain. He kept her moving, kinda the same way he keeps everything else moving around him."

"So he put her back together this time." The situation sounded awfully familiar.

"I don't know about that," Quil murmured, his tone skeptical. "He helped, but I think Bella did a lot of it on her own this time. She's stronger than she was back when the leech left her. This time, she kinda already knew what it took to get back on her feet. Em was just always standing behind her in case she second-guessed herself and needed a little push."

I let Quil's words sink in, and each one did little to ease the distant gnawing in my stomach. He didn't need to say much more because he was simply confirming what I already knew. Bella had changed, and the change was how she healed this time.

When Cullen left her, it was me who built her back up.

This time, though, it was Bella who built _herself_ back up.

Regardless, I'd left my mark, and I had a hard time believing it wasn't still there.

"Quil, I'm trying to make this right with everyone, Bella included," I muttered. "I can handle the changes. I can handle Paul imprinting on my sister, and I can handle all of you being pissed at me. I can handle Embry hating me, but I'm not sure I can handle Bella not being a part of my life."

Quil's breath caught hesitantly in his throat. "How'd you handle it for the last four months?"

"I _didn't_ handle it," I replied, the words barely audible.

"Well, dude, while you were out not handling it, we _were_ so you should think about that," Quil ventured. "Everyone kept on moving while you were still trying to figure out the day-to-day stuff. And like I said, things changed."

"I _know_ things changed, Quil," I retorted, clenching my fists at my sides as I walked, "but I just want her to remember. She needs to know she still has options. I want her to see what I fought for the first time, that even though I fucked up I still love her. I want her to know that's never changed."

I tried to ignore Quil's heavy sigh from beside me. "I think you should let it go, Jake. What Bella and Em have isn't something he's just gonna let go, trust me. It's deep, man. It's deep and he'll fight for it, too. I know he will."

"I don't know if I can." My words were almost a whisper.

One look at Quil revealed his dejected expression as he chewed nervously on his bottom lip. He released it quickly when he saw me watching him and let his eyes fall to the ground before he continued.

"Then I'll tell you the same thing I told Em back when I first found out about him and Bella – this kind of shit can tear a pack apart, Jake. You could tear _Embry_ apart and the worst part is I think he knows that." This time, Quil allowed his eyes to catch my intense stare. "He'll fight but…he shouldn't have to. But he will because he _knows_ you. I know you, and we both know how fucking stubborn you are. We both know you're serious when you say _you'll_ fight and...I mean, are you really prepared to do that, man?

"Does he love her, Q?" The words burned like acid on my tongue.

Quil took several long seconds to respond. "Yeah, man. He does."

My lips parted as I sucked in a calming breath, the words still somehow managed to pierce through my chest. "And did he ever once think about what could happen if he did? Embry _knew_ how I felt about her."

"I don't think the bro code applies when you disappear into thin air, man, especially when you tell the girl to be happy," Quil said quietly, a gentle but not-so-subtle reminder to me before he let out a throaty chuckle, almost like he was trying to lighten the mood. "But for real, dude. This is us we're talking about here – you, Em, and me. Three legs of the tripod, remember? Are you really gonna make a big deal out of this? Are you really going to break the fucking tripod for a girl?" His laugh was jovial, but I could hear the plea behind it.

He wasn't joking.

He really was hoping that wasn't what I planned to do.

But was it? Fighting to make Bella see what we had – what she could still have – was one thing. Going to war with one of my best friends was something completely different. Was I actually intending to do that in order to make Bella see what I did? That even though I left, even though things changed, it was me who was supposed to love her? That it was me who could love her best?

To some degree, I'd already signed the declaration, and the realization made me taste bile in the back of my throat.

"She's not just some girl, Quil." I swallowed, the words spilling out before I could stop them.

"Yeah, you're probably right," Quil replied, his response resigned and quiet as I spotted the break in the trees ahead. "But this is the last I'm gonna say about it...she's not _your_ girl anymore, dude. You gotta let it go. Bella made her choice...just like you made yours."

The silence hung between us as we reached the tree line. Stepping into the dull, afternoon light filling the clearing, I surveyed the land ahead of us, not losing track of Quil's muffled footsteps now falling several paces behind me. I counted bodies, several of them yards in front of us, heads all turning at the sound of the indistinct noises announcing our presence.

As we approached the group, I let my gaze sweep over the discriminating stares of the pack members already gathered and waiting for us. Sam was standing, his frame stoic and rigid, his arms crossed in front of his chest. Paul and Jared flanked him, lingering a couple steps behind him. Paul had a long stem from something protruding from his teeth, his fingers toying with the end of it. Jared's gaze fell when my eyes met his.

My gaze traveled in front of them to where Seth sat in the tall grass, his legs splayed out haphazardly in front of him. Leaning back on his hands, he offered me a small smile. I nodded in return, my jaw tightening as I let my eyes wander beyond him to the steely stare I could feel boring holes through my skull and the pair of eyes I also knew was doing everything it could to avoid mine.

Embry's face was steady and sullen as he concentrated on the blades of grass in front of him. His chest was barely moving on top of suppressed breaths and his body remained eerily still. I watched his fingers tremble ever so slightly in his lap and I could almost hear him swallow as I continued scrutinizing him.

The longer I regarded him, the more it rocked me. The more the thoughts came back, relentlessly infiltrating my brain despite my best efforts to block them out.

The thoughts were replaced quickly though, the slight boiling at the base of my spine dissipating the longer I watched him.

Something wasn't right with him.

His expression was empty and blank. This wasn't the same Embry who greeted me in Bella's driveway. It wasn't the same one shuddering with the waves of rage passing through his body as he stood in front of me at Sam's house. This one was controlled, even and wasn't giving a thing away.

The outward fight in him appeared to be completely gone.

Leah's irritated scoff interrupted my thoughts before I had a chance to speculate on why Embry looked the way he did, my stare instinctively relocating to her hardened face. She wasn't looking at me though. Her eyes were trained on the person behind me, the one now purposely maintaining his distance.

"Figures you'd be the first one to go running back with your tail between your legs, Ateara," she muttered under her breath.

"Shut up, Leah," Quil retorted petulantly. "I told you I'm not taking sides here – I don't do well at teen angst, thank you very much."

"Says the one with a bigger vagina than me," Leah quipped under her breath, causing muffled chuckles to erupt from behind Sam.

"You know what, Leah..."

"That's enough!" Sam exclaimed, his voice booming through the clearing, causing Quil's mouth to close with a snap and Leah to sneer in Sam's general direction before she leaned back on her hands and rolled her eyes. Quil glowered at her as he plopped down in the grass next to Embry, who barely afforded him a glance. Swallowing anxiously, I peered at Sam out of the corner of my eye.

"This ends. All of it. _Today_." The tone in Sam's voice proved the topic wasn't up for discussion. As he took in each one of us with his authoritative stare, he confirmed the reason he called us all to the clearing. My breath escaped between clenched teeth as his eyes landed on me, lacking sympathy despite the fact I felt strangely relieved by his words.

"We are not going on like this. It's not going to happen," Sam continued. "I have a pack to think about. _One_ pack, a pack that's all together now. And while I understand how each one of you feels, I don't care. I don't care who thinks they're right or who thinks they're justified in acting the way they do. We're getting past it. We're moving forward as one. Starting today." Sam's jaw was tight and his eyes wide with sincerity as he waited. Once heads started bobbing in subdued acknowledgement, his expression relaxed just slightly.

"I asked you all to come here today for this very reason. I know you're angry, and I know you want answers. That's why Jacob is here." His gaze floated toward me for a brief second. "He's going to give you those answers. He's going to fill in the blanks so we can all move forward from this. So we can put the past behind us and start to focus on our pack's future, for its individual members and as a collective. We're going to be as strong as we once were, if not more. There is no room for outside factors here." Sam paused again, and I didn't miss how his gaze went to Embry before taking its turn on me. "Is that understood?"

This time I watched Embry. He swallowed, nodding again in unison with the others. His expression remained stoic and he had yet to look at me.

I knew why he wouldn't. Embry had a tendency to carry everything on his face, and his eyes would always give him away. I always knew when he was pissed, when he was lying, and anything else he felt even when he was trying to hide it. When you know someone your entire life, they become pretty easy to read after a while.

And he knew it too. He knew one look at me would reveal what was wrong and what was happening beyond me.

With a resigned sigh, I gave up. Ripping my eyes away, I tried to push my own unsettled questions and curiosities from my head.

I needed to because a part of me agreed with what Sam said. A part of me was remembering what I told myself before leaving my house earlier in the day.

I needed to do this. This was one thing I needed to fight for, too.

Duty. Responsibility.

A better pack. A stronger pack.

And he needed to know I was serious, that I wanted to fix things within our pack. He needed to know I had a goal.

"Sam?"

I could feel everyone's eyes burning a hole through me as I opened my mouth to speak, addressing Sam individually. His stern gaze shifted to me and I watched him swallow as he waited for me to finish the second part of my question.

Ignoring the curious stares of our audience, I took a deep breath. "Can I have a moment?" I let out the air I hadn't realized I was holding in my lungs. "Alone?"

Sam's expression was skeptical and for a split second, I didn't think he was going to give me the time I wanted. Blinking once, he finally dipped his head in a curt nod. Bringing his head back up, his gaze swept over the others. "Phase. All of you. Do a quick run along the river. Ten minutes and meet back here."

For several seconds, everyone debated whether or not they should actually listen to Sam. Paul and Jared were the first to turn, Paul shooting his characteristic smirk over his shoulder as he walked away. "Figures. Back for two minutes and the Golden Child's already getting whatever he wants."

My stomach twisted as Jared snickered and the rest of the pack stood, following Paul and Jared, who were already unbuttoning their shorts. I didn't miss it when Leah turned to look at Embry, reaching out and squeezing his arm in a friendly gesture despite the resignation on her face. Turning their backs to me, they followed the rest of the group without so much as a look back.

I closed my eyes and focused on taking deep, even breaths.

_It will get better. When they see you're serious, it will get better._

_You can handle this._

When I opened them, Sam was staring at me expectantly, his arms crossed rigidly in front of him. He raised both eyebrows, waiting for me to speak. I held off, making sure I could hear the distant chorus of barks and yelps as numerous sets of heavy paws took off to the north. I heaved one last deep breath when I was certain they were all gone.

"What's on your mind, Jacob?"

I let out a sigh and stood firm against the ground, pulling my own arms across my chest. "I wanted to talk to you about something – something I figured out just before I came back."

Sam's brow furrowed curiously. "And what was that?"

I licked my lips anxiously before taking a deep breath and cut off the last traces of nerves firing in my body. If anyone would understand, I knew it would be Sam. "When I left," I finally spoke, "I didn't know what my place was here anymore. I ran because I wasn't sure how to _live_ in this world anymore. But you'll see it when I show you – you'll see why I came back. You'll see how I realized that even though my dad died, I still had a place here. I still had a role to fill here...in this life."

I stopped, taking a second to gauge Sam's reaction. His face betrayed nothing so I pressed on. "I needed to come back and fight for what was mine – what was always mine, with or without my dad. Just because he left us didn't mean my role here changed. It didn't mean I had no family left to fight for, and he'd want me to remember that."

"I agree with you, Jacob," Sam said as I paused, my mouth open slightly awaiting his response. "I think Billy would have wanted you here, too. He would have wanted you to take responsibility for what he left behind. There's no question about that."

"I think you're right," I replied, "and I see that now. I didn't then, but I do now, which is why I feel like I should tell you now before anything else happens – I want to step up. I want to be the leader I was too afraid to be when I left. I want to take my rightful place as Alpha."

Sam started, the words traveling between us and crumbling his purposeful stance. His mouth fell open slightly as his fingers curled into his flesh. "Pardon?"

Letting my breath out in a swift rush, I shook my head. "Not today. Not right this second, Sam – but soon. Once things have settled down, I mean. Once the pack has accepted my reasons for coming back – once they've accepted _me_ back – and once everything is where it needs to be." My gaze flicked downward, away from Sam's leery stare. "It's my responsibility, Sam – to my father, to the tribe, to the pack, and to myself. Not doing this would be disappointing my family's legacy. It would be disappointing my father."

Sam pursed his lips and swallowed, taking a step forward. "Jacob, I know I always told you I would never deny you your birthright. It's always been yours to claim. But now? Right now, I don't think it's the best idea."

"I know," I agreed, keeping my gaze level with his, trying to will him to understand. "Which is why I said soon, not now. But it needs to happen. It's my purpose. It always has been, just like this pack. You talked about moving forward as one, as a better version of what we once were. I think if I were to step up, like I should have a long time ago, we can do that. It's the way it's supposed to be, Sam."

This time, Sam released a slight scoff and my head jerked back in surprise. "With all due respect, Jacob, I feel like I need to step in here," Sam retorted, a baffled expression spreading across his features. "You talk about strengthening this pack and moving it forward as one, but you've been dividing it since the day you came back to La Push."

"Sam, I've been trying to make amends," I responded, my fingernails digging into my biceps. "I don't want to tear the pack apart. I want to make amends, and then I want to complete it."

"Jacob, I think you're forgetting a key part in this – the person you've always put before this pack and continue to put before this pack today," Sam ventured carefully.

Blinking toward Sam, I narrowed my eyes slightly. Bella had always been and continued to be one of the most important facets of my life, but to hear Sam say I put her before the pack – not just sometimes but _always_ – stung, almost like he'd slapped me across the face with his words.

"This isn't about Bella, Sam – and you know that's not true."

"It is, Jacob – it _is_ about Bella." Sam took another step forward, his eyes widening as if urging me to listen carefully. "You say you want to be a leader. You say you came back because you didn't want to disappoint Billy. I understand that, but think about what you've done since you got back. Lines have been drawn. Sides have been chosen, and there's only one reason for that."

"What are you getting at, Sam?" The words were quiet as I pushed them through almost clenched teeth.

Sam took a deep, resolute breath. "You've _always_ been narrow-minded when it comes to Bella Swan, Jacob. When she's in front of you, you've never seen anything but her. Your family and your pack cease to exist."

"You're wrong."

"I'm not," Sam retorted, quickly and pointedly. "And if what you say is true – if you're serious about your reasons for returning and wanting to become Alpha – you should be using this time, this time of making amends, to prove to your brothers what a good leader is. You should be proving it to them _now_."

"I'm trying, Sam," I whispered, the words just loud enough to not get lost in the space between us.

"You are, but you must try harder," Sam replied. "If this is really what you want, you have to remember that good leaders make sacrifices. And when it comes to being Alpha, when it comes to looking after your pack, Jacob, bloodlines and bonds are more important than anything - your family is more important than desire, than selfish wants."

I took a deep, ragged breath. I knew exactly what Sam was telling me. Still, I asked him. "What's your point, Sam?"

Sam sighed. "My point is simple, Jake. You _still_ aren't putting your family first. You are deliberately and knowingly threatening to destroy the happiness of one of your brothers, to take away a future he rightfully earned because of the choice you made."

Closing my eyes, I shook my head. "You don't understand. I _need_ Bella, Sam. She has a role in this too. She's a part of me. She's that last piece of my soul. She's one of the reasons I came back and I can't do this without her."

Sam's brow furrowed slightly and his head dipped in resigned acknowledgement. "I understand, Jacob, I do. At one point in your life, I may have agreed with you. I may have told you that were true. But when you left? While _your_ soul may not have changed, perhaps Bella's did." Sam's words fell short, his face soft, understanding. Certain.

Like he was giving an indirect blessing to the very thing that had been turning me inside out since I got home.

"I'm asking you to stop for a moment and consider the fact that Bella might have a different role now," Sam pressed on quietly. "Because of the path you chose, perhaps she completes someone else's soul and she is where she should be. Perhaps it's _all_ as it should be now." Sam took a deep breath. "And I think you need to learn how to do this without her."

Sam's words tore at my insides and I felt the acid rising in my throat as my stomach churned violently. It was glaringly obvious I didn't have his support and that he wasn't seeing things the same way I was. While I understood where he was coming from, it still wasn't enough to make me falter, to make me back down.

"I don't buy that, Sam. I don't believe it. I know Bella and I know myself and..."

"Jacob," Sam interrupted, holding his hand up in a placating gesture. "The fact you can't even acknowledge what you're doing is enough to validate everything I'm saying. The best time to be taking those blinders off would be now, Jacob. Take them off so you can see the pieces you left behind, so you can see how Bella and Embry took two of those pieces – themselves – and put them back together. Then see how you're threatening to rip them apart all over again."

I shook my head as Sam pulled his arms back across his chest. "You're doing this in the name of your father, in the name of your family's legacy," he continued. "You say you don't want to disappoint him, Jacob, but this? This isn't fighting for your family. _This_ would disappoint him. So until you stop, until you realize your family – your duty to your pack – is the most important thing in your life and until you accept that responsibility and put everything else away, I will not step aside. I won't even consider it until you prove it to me and prove it to the pack."

The word burned, spreading through my veins like wildfire until they settled in my spine.

Disappoint.

 _Disappoint my father_.

The fire tingled as I fought every instinct inside me to push back, to prove to him he was wrong, to claim what was mine without asking for his permission.

Sam was unfazed by my reaction, by the tremors rolling off my limbs. His face was stern as he swept his gaze over my faltering steadfastness. "Is that understood?"

Swallowing the flames in my throat, I closed my eyes and concentrated. I counted silently to myself, pushing back the blaze, knowing this course would get me nowhere. This course would for sure prove everything he was saying.

Not yet. Not now. Stick with the plan.

Everything was not settled. Everyone was _not_ where they should be.

So I put a tight lid on my aggression and forced myself to nod. "Understood."

Sam nodded curtly, the same time we both heard a chorus of howls approaching from the north. "Remember what I said, Jacob. Family is most important, and good leaders make sacrifices."

With that, Sam turned, shedding his cut-offs before he crouched low to the ground. He launched into the air, unfurling as his body shifted in a split second. Before I could blink, the ebony wolf stood tall and straight, his nose pointed to the southern tree line, awaiting his pack.

I stayed on two legs, focusing on my breaths. In and out. One, two, three. Calming myself before everyone got there.

No matter how much I disagreed, something in what Sam said was resonating. His words were pounding away at a resolve I refused to let go.

My pulse pounded in my ears as five bodies emerged from the tree line. Together, they were jovial, in a good mood they didn't allow me to see when I was in front of them. Leah threw an arm around Seth and messed up his hair the same time Quil's mouth moved, earning him a rough shove by a laughing Paul.

Family.

Sacrifices.

I couldn't help the slight smile that pulled at my lips, despite the fact that even as they drew closer to me, the lightheartedness faded gradually, little by little, from their own expressions. They reined it in completely when they saw me, when they saw Sam waiting. Gazes fell to the ground and hands were absentmindedly shoved in pockets.

My eyes passed along each one of them until they reached the end, until they sought out the last person now just several feet from me as he strode closer to where I stood.

This time he slipped. This time he was already looking at me, too.

And Sam's words still resonated. A different word.

Bella.

_Bella._

That was all it took. One look and I saw it in his face. The anger, the worry, the silent plea for me to understand everything despite the fact he hadn't heard a single word Sam said.

His eyes were crying out without his knowledge, begging me to release my hold on a world that quite possibly was already starting to slip through his fingers.

As Embry reached the place I stood, I could make out the sound of his breath being pulled through his lips. The uneasy energy radiating off him was palpable as he quickly let out the breath, his pulse faltering for just a moment as he passed.

"She sent you away, didn't she?"

His footsteps stopped just past me, his breath hitching slightly at my words. I could hear him swallow before he spoke. "That would definitely make things easier on you, wouldn't it?"

His reply all but confirmed my suspicions, and the slight hint of challenge in his voice grated at my nerves, instantly overshadowing everything Sam said to me minutes earlier. It was overpowered by a glimmer of hope as it flashed through my body and wrapped itself around my insides, soothing and extinguishing the fire. Fueling my confidence.

Maybe Bella already made her choice. Maybe Sam's words were null and void.

"I'm not done fighting for her, Jake," Embry murmured, just loud enough to confirm what I already knew.

A shiver of anticipation crawled down my arms. "I didn't expect you to be," I replied briskly. "But neither am I."

I heard his body shift as he moved his weight from one leg to the other. "Figured that much, too," he said, sucking in another deep breath. "The difference is though you and I are fighting for two completely different things. You just don't see it."

I could feel the heat back at the base of my spine as my fists clenched at my sides. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Nothing, man," Embry murmured. "You'll figure it out eventually."

I felt his presence retreat, his footsteps dissipating with each stride he took away from me to rejoin the rest of the pack.

The simmer in my veins was back, but this time it was subdued. No more games. No more low blows. I knew what I needed to do.

And Sam was wrong.

I wasn't sacrificing this. Not yet. Not like this. Not because someone I'd known all my life thought he was the better man. Bella was part of my soul.

And Sam didn't know a god damn thing about making sacrifices.

He didn't understand. Giving up what Bella and I had would mean giving up a part of myself.

And that wasn't a sacrifice I was willing to make.


	30. Past

_**Suggested Listening: "Stars" and "Never Go Back" by Grace Potter & The Nocturnals, _**"Ghosts" by James Vincent McMorrow, "I Don't Know You At All" by Matthew Mayfield,**_ "Off I Go" by Greg Laswell** _

**BELLA POV**

"See you tomorrow, Bella!"

Throwing Mike a quick nod and a halfhearted smile over my shoulder, I pushed open the glass door to Newton's Outfitters, my shoes squeaking on the wet pavement as I made my way across the parking lot toward the Mustang. Even with a jacket on, the cold, damp wind caused goose bumps to erupt across my skin and stole the breath from my lungs as I lowered my head, fighting against its power and trying to ignore the growing knot in my stomach.

Reaching the car, I shielded my face from the stinging drizzle mixed in with the wind. The door slammed behind me a moment later as I released a ragged breath and let my head fall against the headrest. I closed my eyes, letting my head loll to the right before opening them, my gaze automatically seeking out my cell phone resting on the passenger seat. Beckoning me. Taunting me.

It had been one week.

One week since I last talked to Jacob, leaving him begging on the beach, grasping for an absolution I hadn't been ready to give him.

Seven days since I last saw Embry, my final memory of his features one that still scratched painstakingly at my insides.

Tearing my eyes from the phone, I turned the key in the ignition, the engine sputtering to life as I switched on the windshield wipers. One hand moved up to the steering wheel while the other traveled absentmindedly, instinctively, to my chest, fingers touching a cool chain leading to a little purple gem resting under my shirt and between my breasts.

Sometimes I forgot it was there, but it always was. A reminder. My clarity. A talisman reminding me of what I had to do. Always.

Seven days, and today I needed to start moving forward. I needed to _keep_ moving forward.

The first few days, the hours following the moment where I picked myself up off the floor of the entryway, were the hardest. Only minutes away, mere miles from where I was, were my past and present, two physical parts of my life I pushed as far away as I could, forcing them to relinquish their grip on me before they pulled me right down with them.

Barely three hours after I asked Embry to leave I sat on my bed, my legs tucked under me as I scrolled aimlessly through the numbers in my cell phone. I let the selector rest on his for several moments, countless times, before I continued to the end of the alphabet. On my way down, I lingered on Jacob's for a few seconds too.

But I never called. I never hit send. I never made the move to make amends with either of them.

However, I didn't shut down. I kept my promise to myself. I didn't break. I retreated but only so I could figure out the best direction to move and just how big of a step I should take.

With Embry, I wasn't angry with him. I was at first, but after the confusion dissipated – as the passing hours offered a bit of lucidity – a part of me was grateful for what he did. I needed the time. I needed a moment to think, to sort through the barrage of memories, decisions, confessions and apologies. I needed a second without having to put on a brave face and without the worry of hurting him lurking just behind every look, every word, and every move I made.

While Embry's actions hurt, the fact he used our memories – moments I would have given anything to keep between the two people who created them – was quickly pushed to the back of mind. His mistake was swiftly buried under the fact that although he possessed an animal's soul within him, he was still _human_. That, and I _knew_ him. I knew his heart and what he did he didn't do to hurt me, to hurt us.

He did it to protect everything else we had. He did it to protect us.

I didn't see it at first, but I understood it now.

And I missed him. I missed him so much it was painful, that in the very worst moments I thought my heart might tear its way out of my chest.

I needed to make things right. At the very least, I needed to forgive him for it. He needed to know I wasn't giving up on him. That I wasn't giving up on us. Embry had never hesitated to forgive me for my numerous too-human mistakes, and I knew he deserved as much from me.

But it wasn't just Embry I needed to forgive.

It was Jacob, too.

I knew Embry, but in the same breath I couldn't deny I knew Jacob just as well. From what I'd seen on the beach, he hadn't changed much. It broke my heart almost as much his words, as his absence. A part of me hoped he'd gone off and became a better person, a stronger person, a person who didn't need me in his life the same way he used to.

That would have been easier.

But he hadn't, and that made things worse. It made things complicated and more intricate that I could fathom. It meant he was exactly the Jacob I remembered, the same soul I kept contained in order for me to move on with my life, and the same person I once loved with all my heart.

And because he was, I knew he wasn't going to give up.

As much as I wanted to hate him for running away, as much as I wanted to hide, I knew he simply wasn't going to let this lie and let me walk out of his life completely, and I knew ignoring him wouldn't do me any good. The anger was toxic, a poisonous emotion that did no one any good regardless of how much he deserved it. No matter how justified it made me feel to make him experience the full extent of what it did to me when he left.

The truth was he was home and that alone meant I needed to figure out some way to deal with the fact he was going to be in my life whether I liked it or not – especially if Embry continued to be a part of my world. The two of them were bound for life, sworn in an allegiance to one another and their pack and their tribe, and I wasn't daft enough to believe there was a way we could avoid it.

So when I left for work that morning, I told myself today would be the day I took that step. My phone still sat on my passenger seat as I navigated the wet roads of Forks home, serving as a reminder of the promise I made to myself.

_Keep moving forward, Bella._

I shook my head slightly to clear it as I realized I already made it home, switching my blinker on at the last second. Turning into the driveway, I pulled the car to a stop just behind Charlie's cruiser. Taking a deep breath, I yanked the keys out of the ignition and snatched my phone off the passenger seat before getting out of the car.

Upon opening the front door of the house, my nostrils were filled with the scent of fresh-brewed coffee, automatically causing my lips to curl into a frown. There was only one reason Charlie made coffee after he got off work, and it usually meant we had or were expecting company.

"Hey, Dad!" I called, shrugging out of my coat before turning and placing it on the hook next to the door.

"Hi, Bells." Charlie's voice was leery and resigned as it drifted from the kitchen to meet me.

"Someone coming over tonight?" I asked, turning and pausing to straighten out the welcome mat before proceeding to the kitchen. "I didn't take out enough chicken for company, but..."

I stopped dead in my tracks in the kitchen doorway, my heart plummeting straight to my feet, the sound of my shoes silencing beneath me.

"Hey, Bella."

My stomach wrenched violently, every nerve in my body misfiring when Jacob flashed me a wide, bright smile, his elbow propped lazily on the back of his chair. His frame was twisted halfway around to greet me while Charlie shot still-skeptical glares at the back of his head.

"Wh...what are you doing here?" I stammered, my mouth suddenly dry as cotton as I struggled to get the words out.

"I was in town at the parts store and thought I'd swing by and say hi," Jake answered nonchalantly, the same grin that used to warm me to the core still plastered on his face. This time, though, it made me suspicious. Uneasy.

Charlie chose that moment to clear his throat theatrically. "Bella, you didn't tell me Jacob was home." He cocked his head to one side, one eyebrow lifting while his mustache twitched anxiously. "So you can about imagine my surprise when someone came knocking at the door and this is who I found on the other side."

Swallowing thickly, my palms curled into fists at my sides, my gaze snapping restlessly between Jacob and Charlie. "Yeah, Dad...sorry," I muttered blandly, still not entirely sure how I should respond to the fact they were both sitting there, staring at me expectantly, like I was the one who had some explaining to do.

"It's no big deal," Jacob murmured, still smiling at me. "It was kind of unexpected and not a lot of people knew about it, but I couldn't really afford to keep Rachel's place with her staying here now." I barely caught the quick wink he offered me, my mouth falling open slightly as my body leaned instinctively to support myself against the doorframe.

"Yeah, what's up with that anyway?" Charlie asked gruffly, leaning over the table on his elbows. "Your sister came back here but you didn't? I'm still kind of confused by all this, kid..."

Jacob shrugged like it was the most normal question in the world, finally letting his gaze fall to his lap, the same time the weight sitting on my chest lifted just enough for me to draw in a deep breath. "Yeah, I know, Chief...it's like I told you though. I got a lot of stuff to make up for. We both missed home. We both missed our family here. It's why I couldn't stay away. My dad wouldn't have wanted us to."

He still wasn't looking at me, and a shiver laced up my spine at the mention of Billy. Jacob's eyes were now trained solely on my father, and I knew why. Charlie was only one in the long line of people who lost faith in Jacob when he disappeared. Jacob knew as well as I did if he voluntarily showed himself on Charlie's radar, he couldn't do it with his guns blazing. He knew how protective Charlie was of me, especially after Edward left, so Jacob couldn't let Charlie think _I_ was his reason. He would have never allowed Jacob through the front door.

Still, even though he benefited by not knowing the full truth of the situation, I could tell my father wasn't completely won over, even if he was giving him a chance to explain.

"Well, kid, I know your dad would be glad you're back here. I know the folks down on the rez sure miss him. It'll be easier for them now that you and your sister are back," Charlie muttered, pushing his chair back, the legs scraping against the linoleum. He stood, darting a glance at me, before making his way toward the coffee pot. "You want more coffee, Jake?"

"No thanks, Charlie," Jacob replied, shaking his head and holding one hand up to indicate his answer.

Charlie nodded, the back of his head bobbing as he placed his mug on the counter. "Alright then. I'm gonna run out back quick and grab some firewood. Damn cold out there tonight," Charlie speculated. "You two gonna be okay in here for a minute?" His eyes were back on me now, wide and wondering. Asking for permission.

Chewing on the inside of my lip, it took me a moment before my body caught up with my brain and I nodded. "Yeah, Dad. It's fine."

Charlie's eyes lingered for a moment too long before he tore them away, zipping up his flannel jacket before hastily making his way to the back door. I watched him go, waiting until the latch clicked into place behind him, before turning my glare at Jacob.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"I'm making amends, Bells – saying my apologies. That includes Charlie," Jacob answered swiftly, his voice low and sincere. "And you too. Again. Especially after what happened on the beach. I'm sorry about what I did. What I said to you."

I could feel the inside of my lip turning raw before I released it from my teeth. "Stop apologizing, Jake," I muttered. "I've heard enough apologies, and it isn't going to change anything you did, so...just stop."

"Okay," he replied, his expression soft. Hopeful. "I should have called first, I know, but I just had a bad feeling you wouldn't answer if I tried."

"Yeah, it probably would have been a good idea," I responded, concentrating on the coffee mug sitting on the table just behind his forearm. "But it's okay, because I was going to call you actually."

Jacob's eyebrows arched in surprise. "Really?"

I nodded. "Yeah." This time, I allowed myself to look at him. "But this doesn't change anything, Jake. I'm putting this behind me though. Moving forward. That's something I _do_ now, so yeah..." I took a deep, convincing breath. "We gotta figure out a way to make _this_ – " I pointed a finger at him before directing it back at myself. " _–_ work if everything else around us is still going on."

Closing my mouth and crossing my arms in front of my chest, the authenticity in Jacob's smile was enough to cause goose bumps to spring across my skin.

"Agreed." This time, he pushed his own chair back, standing as he twisted to grab his coffee mug. "Hey, Bells?"

"Yeah?" I said quietly, watching his fingers curl around the ceramic dish.

I caught another room-brightening smile just before it faded. "Thank you."

I nodded softly while Jacob walked across the kitchen, dumping the remnants of his coffee in the sink before placing the dish on the counter next to it. "Jake?"

He peered over his shoulder. "Hmm?"

"There's one condition to this, to us even trying to be friends again," I continued, my eyes widening slightly with my sincerity. I emphasized one word in particular, remembering one of the reasons I needed to work at putting this behind me. "Embry. You need to fix this with him. I don't care how you do it, but you need to fix it. He's your best friend, Jake. You leaving killed him just as much as the rest of us, and you haven't exactly made it easy for him since you came back."

Jacob's brow furrowed as a flash of something appeared on his face, disappearing just as quickly. "Things with Em will work themselves out eventually," Jacob replied, the words almost a whisper as he turned back to the sink.

"Jake..." My tone was laced with warning. "Promise me."

I watched Jacob's shoulders rise and fall with a heavy breath, his fingers gripping the edge of the sink without turning to me. His head lifted, almost like he was fighting with himself. Almost like he was actually going to say no.

But he didn't.

"I promise, Bells."

A wave of relief flowed through my veins as he turned to face me, the back door swinging open a moment later. Charlie trudged through, peering over the stack of split wood in his arms. He glanced at me last, raising a questioning eyebrow. I nodded slightly in return, giving Charlie the clearance he needed to continue through the kitchen and into the living room without stopping to run interference.

Once he was out of earshot, Jacob let his gaze fall to the floor before he chuckled. "If I didn't know any better, I'd think your dad wants to toss me out of here on my ass." His head lifted, peering longingly past me toward the living room. "Kinda missed that look a little."

My stomach jumped the same time I felt a smile pull at the corner of my lips. "Well, most of us got our shots in already. He's just waiting his turn."

Returning footsteps caused Jacob's laugh to subside when Charlie plodded back into the kitchen. "So what's for dinner, Bells? Chicken something, right?" When he reached the fridge, he swung the door open before throwing a sidelong glance over his shoulder. "Is Jake staying for dinner?" His eyes were wide, the words more of a question than an invitation.

I opened my mouth to reply when Jacob pushed himself off the sink, taking a step forward. "Actually, Charlie, Rachel was wondering if Bella could come over to our place for dinner tonight. She's making enchiladas. It's about the only thing she knows how to cook without the entire house almost going up in flames." Jacob pulled his bottom lip between his teeth and raised his eyebrows. "What do you think, Bells? Mexican night at the Black house?"

My mouth fell open slightly, any reply refusing to come out as I remembered the last time I was at his home. The suggestion made me anxious, yet I knew Jacob and I had to find some semblance of a friendship. Even if I couldn't fully forgive him for what he did, we had to move past it.

Still, something pulled at my insides at the thought of going back to that house. With him. With his family.

And it made things suddenly seem like they were moving one hundred miles an hour.

My first attempt at answering came out in a choked, protesting squeak.

Jacob's mouth snapped shut as he suppressed a teasing laugh. He took a couple more steps forward so he was closer, lowering his head slightly as he peered at me placatingly through his eyelashes. "Rachel will be there the whole time, Bells. Maybe even Paul."

A rough cough sounded from behind Jacob as his eyes traveled to the ceiling, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed. "Maybe you should give that Call kid a ring, Bells...invite him to go too. You guys are buddies, right, Jake?"

Jacob's onyx eyes leveled with mine and he offered me an overtly friendly smile. It pricked at something inside me. "Already done, Chief."

Charlie abruptly ceased his suggestions, my face wrinkling in surprise at Jacob's confession. Behind Jacob, Charlie continued rooting around in the refrigerator, pretending to ignore us. Jacob's words, however, soothed over the unease inside me, helping the idea of dinner at his house suddenly seem more safe.

"Really?" I murmured hopefully. "I need to talk to him, too."

Jacob's gaze clouded for a second before he yanked it away. "Won't know unless you come."

I chewed on Jacob's question for a moment before pulling in a breath through my nostrils, trying like hell to expel all hesitation as I let it out. After all, this was progress. This was moving forward.

Even if the baby step I planned on taking suddenly seemed like a gigantic leap.

"Dad, you think you can fend for yourself for dinner?" I pulled myself back to earth, directing the question to Charlie's back as he straightened in front of the fridge. He closed it the same instant he made a huffy noise in his throat.

Jacob stepped aside then, approaching the kitchen table before turning toward Charlie, who eyed him begrudgingly. "Chief, you can come too, if you want," he said, ignoring Charlie's inquisitive stare. "There's gonna be plenty for everyone."

Charlie finally turned around, a can of beer in his hands. He cracked the can open noisily, his face screwing up as he shook his head. "No thanks, kid. Me and Mexican food don't really like each other."

I smiled as Jacob laughed, reaching into his pocket. Upon giving it a closer look, I saw a ten-dollar bill in his hand as he slid it carefully onto the table. "In that case, pizza's on me, Charlie."

Charlie raised one eyebrow before taking a swig of beer. "You don't have to do that, kid."

"It's the least I can do, Chief – since I'm stealing your chef and all for the night."

I swallowed thickly, the jubilance in Jacob's words causing my skin to tingle. Charlie's expression switched from protest to resignation as he finally nodded. "True. Well, I guess...thanks, Jake."

"Sure, sure."

I followed Jacob into the entryway a moment later, leaving Charlie in the kitchen while I slowly retrieved my jacket from the hook I'd placed it on minutes earlier. Jacob watched me as I did, leaning lazily against the front door as I slipped both arms into it, a slight smile adorning his lips as his eyes raked unabashedly up and down my frame.

"What?" I squeaked anxiously, my brows pulling low over my eyes.

Jacob's eyes snapped back up to mine, the haze in them suddenly clearing. "Nothing."

Once we were outside, I followed Jacob down the stairs while I scanned the road, the front yard, and anything else to indicate how he'd gotten to my house. I knew it hadn't been on four legs; Charlie would have noticed the lack of vehicle if he did.

"How'd you get here?" I asked, pulling the zipper a little further up on my jacket.

"Dirt bike," Jacob replied, throwing a glance at me over his shoulder. With that, he pointed to the bush on the far end of the property where I could see the outline of his black motorcycle, barely visible in the fading sunlight. "Wanna ride?" The grin he flashed me almost lit up the air surrounding him.

Pulling my lower lip between my teeth, I trained my gaze on the ground. "In this weather? Probably not."

"That's a damn shame," Jake replied, the words low but just loud enough for me to hear them.

A small knot rose in my throat as I reached the car. I took a deep breath, trying to squelch it as Jacob rounded the front of my car on his way to the bike. Reaching into the pocket of my jacket to retrieve my keys, my fingers brushed over the cool cover of my cell phone. Reminding me.

"Jake?"

From the other side of the car, Jacob turned, the drizzle hanging in the air already dampening the ebony strands of hair on top of his head. The longer I watched him, I could almost see the sheer veil of steam curling off his arms as the frigid precipitation mixed with the scorching heat of his skin before evaporating completely.

I had to ask. I had to know so the sinking feeling in my gut would go away.

"Did you really invite Embry?" I murmured to him over the roof of the Mustang.

Jacob hesitated, releasing a heavy breath as he shrugged. His piercing stare refused to release its hold on mine. "I told Rachel she could invite the entire pack if she wanted to. So I guess we'll see if he shows up." Shoving his hands in his pockets, Jacob took a step backwards, followed by another. "So see you in about fifteen?"

It took a moment before my head nodded automatically in response, my fingers releasing their hold on my phone as I withdrew my hand from my pocket.

"Sure. See you then."

* * *

Jacob followed me the entire way to La Push, making it a point to hang a good quarter-mile back as I navigated the well-known curves and forks in the road to his house. Every few seconds, I'd sneak a glance to the rear-view mirror to confirm he was still there, the bobbing and shaking of a single headlight the only sign I needed.

Pulling into his driveway, I couldn't help the slow, torturous feeling of dread and sadness as it crept through my veins, a dull pain resurfacing, one lessened with time and distance but waiting just below the surface for the right reminder.

This was all it took. It left a bitter taste in my mouth as I let my eyes sweep over the structure in front of me, turning the car off with a quick flick of my wrist.

This was no longer a place I associated with happiness. It wasn't a place from which I could draw comfort. Even the warm light spilling through the windows near the door, a sight that elicited a smile once upon a time, wasn't enough to ebb the weakened sting held within those weathered walls.

This place was no longer home. It was once, but it hadn't been in a very long time.

The headlight behind me flickered off, plunging the inside of the car into darkness once again. One more glance in my mirror had me pulling the keys from the ignition and scrambling hurriedly out of the car before I gave myself a chance to change my mind. Before I allowed myself to run.

My forehead puckered in concentration, my eyes scanning the windows. Jacob's footsteps crunched on gravel as he approached me from behind. "Is anyone else here?" I asked tentatively. "The house looks kind of...quiet."

"Not sure," Jake murmured, his steps falling short as he stopped next to me. Glancing down at me, his eyes danced as he let a small smile pull at the corner of his mouth. "Ready?"

A cool gust of wind ripping across the open lawn had me nodding in agreement. A moment later, I felt a warm pressure against the small of my back, the action causing a sharp gasp to slip past the silence between us as I drew it through my lips. I took an unconscious step forward, away from the hand and the heat soaking through my jacket, leaving Jacob behind as I made my way toward the front porch.

Jacob didn't speak. He didn't apologize for what I was certain was an old force of habit he hadn't fully broken as he followed me. He hung back a couple steps as I let myself in the house unannounced, the scent of cumin and spice hanging thick in the air of the warm living room.

I shuffled through the front door, taking a couple extra steps to make room and doing a quick, inherent scan of the living room. It changed. Messes were left unattended, the television was on, and a blanket lay scattered across the couch. It looked a million times more lived in than it did when I left. The sadness didn't resonate inside the home like it did from outside.

It looked like a home, even if it was one I no longer considered mine.

It didn't do much to calm my pounding heart, but it eased the anxiety a little. It did what it needed to allow me to unzip my jacket and refocus my gaze on the kitchen doorway, hearing the click of the door as it closed and feeling Jacob's towering presence behind me.

A moment later, a caramel face framed by rich, black hair leaned backwards so she could pinpoint who exactly was walking through the door. Rachel smiled when her eyes fell on me. "Holy shit, Bella!" she exclaimed, reaching up to push a strand of hair from her eyes. "I didn't know you were coming!"

Blinking in silent approval, I let out an involuntary sigh of relief at her smiling face. Jacob let out a muffled noise behind me. Glancing over my shoulder, I raised both eyebrows at him as he shrugged his shoulders, unfazed. "I decided to swing by your house at the last minute." Throwing his leather jacket on the back of the sofa, he brushed past where I stood, letting his fingers trail along the wood-panel walls. "I'm gonna go clean up. Make yourself at home, Bells. You know where everything is at."

My fingers curled into my palms as I watched him disappear down the hallway. My gaze fell to the floor a moment before Rachel made a noise from the kitchen. "Bella!" she called out. "Wanna come help me?"

My head snapped up to see Rachel's back to me as she busied herself over the stove, the clinking of silverware against the metal stove top reverberating through the house. Taking a deep breath, I wiped my perspiring palms roughly on my jeans before following her request into the kitchen.

Rachel was now hunched over the stove, spooning a steaming red sauce onto rolled-up tortillas resting inside a glass baking dish. The aroma of the enchiladas was pungent and savory, and my mouth watered as soon as the scent hit my nostrils.

"That smells really good, Rach," I murmured, awkwardly shifting my weight from one foot to the other.

"I know," Rachel crooned knowingly, still bent over her creation. "But I could use some help chopping up the lettuce and tomatoes over there, if that's alright." She jerked her head toward the counter opposite the sink where a freshly washed head of lettuce and two tomatoes rested on top of a cutting board.

"Sure," I replied, gingerly crossing the small distance to the sink. I washed my hands quickly and took a step to my right, pulling up my sleeves before getting to work on the vegetables. I chopped in silence for a few moments, the faint sound of a shower running the only thing permeating the warm air of the house.

"So, Rachel, are more people coming tonight or, um...or is it just the three of us?"

Rachel shrugged as she carefully picked up the dish, turning and taking the one necessary step before placing it on the kitchen table. "Paul will probably be by later. He and Embry are on patrol right now." A subtle shiver spread through my veins, an agonizingly slow burn caused by the simple mention of Embry's name. "I told Paul to invite the guys, but..." Rachel made a knowing noise in her throat. "We'll see if they actually show up...that's if he even did tell them. Might just be the three of us until Paul gets here. If I would have known you were coming though, I woulda told them... that way they might have actually showed up."

I was watching Rachel over my shoulder, the knife stalled in my hand as she threw a glance at me. She released a soft wink before she straightened. "Glad you're here though, Bella. Not gonna lie...I figured you'd be the last one to come walking through that front door."

Pulling my bottom lip between my teeth, I turned back to my task, nodding. "Me, too. But I figured I need to try. It's not like this is a big reservation. I can't hide from Jacob forever."

Rachel chuckled. "True. Well, that's very big of you, Bella. The high road is less traveled for a reason...which is why I rarely ever go that route." The chuckle was now a laugh. "But I kinda _had_ to forgive him since the little shit is my brother, and with Rebs in Hawaii, he's pretty much all I got left."

I blinked at her subdued words, nodding to no one in particular while Rachel turned back to the stove the same time the creak of an opening door interrupted it. I gripped the handle of the knife a little tighter and threw my concentration into the task as Jacob's lightweight voice traveled down the hallway.

"Damn, Rach, that smells good – really hope you made more than one pan."

Rachel snorted. "A month ago? I woulda said no. Today, though? Yes. There's another one warming in the oven."

Suddenly, I felt a presence peering over my shoulder, the scent of pine and soap infiltrating my senses and making a home amongst the savory blend of spices lingering in the air of the kitchen.

"Your lettuce looks good, too, Bells."

My face cracked into a smile as I threw back my arm, successfully hitting my target and elbowing Jacob in the ribs. "My lettuce looks phenomenal," I retorted, fighting a smile, my fingers trembling slightly at his close proximity.

"Hmmm." Jacob took a step forward, falling into place just next to me. I glanced at him, just long enough to see him watching me. Water droplets still clung to his hair and his cheeks were rosy, still exceptionally warm from his shower. He held my gaze for a moment before dropping it to the cutting board in front of me. "You're right – perfectly green and symmetrical. Good job, Bells."

I shook my head, biting the inside of my cheek to stifle a laugh, still smiling as he pushed himself off the counter. A moment later, Rachel appeared next to me, sitting two bowls beside the cutting board. I scooped the vegetables into the dishes, picking them up and placing each one on the table the same time Rachel leaned against the chair closest to the wall, eyeing the table with a discriminating eye.

"I think we're ready to eat," she proclaimed, nodding to emphasize her words.

It took only a moment to situate ourselves around the table, Jacob taking the spot closest to the stove while I slipped into the chair near the refrigerator. Jacob leaned forward, grabbing the spatula while his other hand reached out for my plate. Propping one elbow on the table, I handed it to him, Jacob shooting me a lazy smile before proceeding to load heaping portions of enchiladas onto our dishes.

"Man, I can't remember the last time I had enchiladas," Jacob noted as he stretched one long arm across the glass pan, snatching up the container holding the lettuce. "Rach, did you make them last time you were here?" Jacob's face screwed up in concentration, sprinkling the chopped pieces of greens over his plate before he answered his own question. "No, because that hasn't been in years. When was the last time I had enchiladas?"

My fingers curled around my fork as I swallowed thickly. "Quil's birthday earlier this year," I murmured, both Jacob and Rachel freezing as they peered at me over their plates. "He wanted them, so I made them for the whole pack. They were corn though, not flour. And I made chili verde sauce, too."

Jacob blinked, the only part of him that moved, before he let out a rough rush of air from his lungs. "I knew it. I figured it was you, Bells." He reached out, gripping his glass between his thick fingers before taking a drink of water. "You never forget a thing."

Stabbing a bite of my dinner with my fork, I popped it in my mouth before answering. "Nope."

"That's impressive, Bella," Rachel countered quietly, wiping her mouth before scooping another bite into her mouth. "I can't even remember what I had for fucking breakfast this morning."

"Oh, she's amazing," Jacob inserted quickly, leaning back in his chair. "She knows it, too." He cocked one sly eyebrow in my direction, and I let my fork pause over my plate, catching his gaze. "What kind of cake did you make Quil?"

I rolled my eyes, lowering the utensil and cutting into the tortilla. "Peanut butter angel food." I stabbed the bite. "With chocolate frosting."

"Yup," Jacob laughed. "And you made the mistake of leaving it alone in the kitchen before everyone showed up. Quil came in, found it, and by the time you made it back into the house, he'd already eaten four pieces of it."

I shook my head, the memory clear as day as Jacob recounted it. A majority of the pack had eaten cake bought from the rez grocery store that day, thanks to Quil's bout of hunger and general lack of patience. "I was so pissed at him," I chuckled.

"Okay, that was an easy one..." Jacob dropped his fork this time, crossing his arms in front of his chest and eyeing me with mock suspicion on his face. "How about that time I actually took you cliff jumping. The picnic we had after we were done – what was the dessert I hid in the bottom of the basket?"

Rachel watched me from across the table, wide-eyed. My heart was suddenly pounding – long, slow thuds – as my head automatically recalled every scene of that day. The memories surfaced, automatically rising to the top like oil on water, eliciting a warm tingling in the pit of my stomach.

I swallowed. "A box of conversation hearts."

The smile that spread across Jacob's mouth lit up his features. "And you loved them just as much as the first box," he said quietly, leaning forward and picking up his fork, shooting a wink at me from across the small distance between us.

"So, Bella," Rachel said from her spot across the table, effectively breaking the silence. "You make chili verde sauce? You really should give me your recipe. I've never tried making it..."

By the time my plate was clean, all traces of anxiety and the nervous knot in my stomach had all but dissipated. Despite the fact it was just the three of us, we filled it with conversation about Rachel's many failed cooking attempts while I tried to offer her remedies and ideas to try next time. Rachel talked about her old job in Oregon and how much she hated it, also mentioning the fact Joy Ateara was quite possibly going to get her job at the grocery store part-time. She also was thinking about enrolling in Peninsula to finish her degree. Jacob rambled on about the fact he found a Honda Civic for sale at the repair shop in Forks and was honestly considering dipping into his savings to buy it. He needed something to keep him busy, reminding us quietly the Ranger was no longer in need of his services.

I didn't talk much. I listened, soaking up the words. Soaking up the feeling of normalcy I hadn't thought was possible. Not like this. Not this soon.

Regardless, I was grateful for it. The stories filled the walls that once made me feel empty. The laughter pushed the sadness out the door, and I found myself enjoying the company.

Enjoying the memories.

Enjoying their plans for the future.

"Son of a bitch!"

My eyes snapped up over the rim of my glass, finding Rachel as she stood in front of one of the cupboards, staring open-mouthed at its contents. Swallowing the sip of water, I lowered the glass. "What's wrong, Rach?"

"I made a fucking cheesecake...I burnt the god-damn edges, but it doesn't even fucking matter because we don't have cherry pie filling!" Rachel growled at the wood, not even tearing her eyes from the cupboard. "Dammit!'

Jacob chuckled, throwing his napkin on his plate the same time I stood, habitually gathering dishes. Reaching for Jacob's plate, he peered up at me and mouthed the words 'thank you'. I nodded, my gaze traveling back to Rachel as I walked to the sink.

"It's not a big deal, Rach," Jacob responded, pushing his chair back before he too started to collect dishes. "We can eat cheesecake without the cherries."

"No, we can't," she muttered irritatedly. "I made the cheesecake for us, but Paul wanted the cherries...and since I refuse to bake just because he asked me to, I figured cherries were the least I could do for him."

Jacob rolled his eyes as he approached the sink where I stood, holding my fingers under cool tap water as I waited for it to warm up for dishes. "I don't think they're even coming, sis." Jacob slid the baking dish onto the counter beside the sink, and my stomach twisted at his words. He'd said it, but the truth was I was starting to believe the very same thing. "I'm telling you...we can probably live without the cherries."

But Rachel didn't move. Instead she stood there, staring into the cupboard for several long moments before slamming the door. I jumped in spite of myself. "Well, fuck." She let out a rushed breath before throwing a look at the clock hanging next to the doorway. "I'm gonna run down to the store quick and see if I can't grab a can before it closes."

Jacob sighed the same time my fingers curled a little too tightly around the drain plug, the other hand squirting an unnecessarily large amount of dish soap into the sloshing water.

Rachel was leaving, which meant it would just be Jacob and me. Alone.

I closed my eyes and took a profoundly deep breath. Jacob made no move to protest as Rachel shuffled past us and disappeared from the kitchen.

"I'll be back in a little bit!" she called, the jingling of keys rattling through the silence. "Jake, don't eat the fucking cheesecake when I walk out this door, got it?"

Jacob chuckled. "Yes, sir."

"I fucking heard that!" Rachel's sharp retort was cut off by the slam of the front door and a gust of cool air traveling through the living room and into the kitchen.

I let out the breath I hadn't realized I was holding.

"Want some help?"

Jacob's words were soft as he pulled me out of my thoughts, my eyes snapping to my left, raking down his frame to see the dishtowel resting between his fingers. "Um, sure," I murmured, blinking as I turned back to the sink.

"So what do you think of this whole thing with Paul and Rachel, Bells?"

I swallowed as I plunged my hands into the warm, soapy water. My mind immediately went back to my first reaction, the one he would probably never know about and the immense trouble I had processing it. I remembered what exactly I almost let the news do to my life, before I segued over it to give Jake the answer I knew he was looking for. The answer I'd accepted wholeheartedly, at least when it came to Jacob's sister and pack brother.

"Well, she obviously makes him happy, and if the feeling's mutual? Then I can't really think of any reason why I should think bad about it," I replied, scraping the rag over the plate I held between my fingers.

"True. Still..." Jacob's voice trailed off as he inhaled sharply through his nostrils. "You know how much I hate it, when the wolf stakes some stupid claim on someone. It's about choices, Bella. And it's Paul...and my sister..."

"Is that really what you want to talk about, Jake?" I interrupted, turning slightly as I handed him the clean plate to dry. "Imprinting?"

Jacob chuckled, his eyes studying the dish as he took it from my fingers. "No, not really."

Releasing a silent sigh, I moved on to the next dish, deciding to change the subject. "So how come the pack didn't show up tonight?"

A thick silence hung between us as Jacob processed my question, barely stretching as he put away the plate in the cupboard above the sink. "Guess they're not ready," he murmured.

"Do they know where you were?" I asked, my voice soft and non-accusing, taking my time washing the plate in my hands. "Did you explain it to them?"

"Yup," he replied pointedly. "Showed them. I don't think it did much good. They already made up their mind to stay mad, I think."

"Are you trying hard enough?" I asked pointedly, pulling the dish out of the water, stopping before I handed it to Jacob. I turned my head to look at him instead.

"Am I trying? That's rich, Bells." Jacob's ironic laugh scratched at something inside me. "Of course I'm trying. They're just not liking what I have to say."

"Well..." I ventured, the plate still warm in my hands as I propped my wrist on the sink divider. "Maybe you stop talking. Stop talking and keep _showing_ them you're sorry. Keep showing them how much they mean to you."

Jacob made a resigned noise in his throat. "You're now the second person to say that to me..."

I heaved a vacant sigh. "Well, maybe that person is on to something. I know you, Jake. Even now. And I know how stubborn you are." I refocused my gaze on the wood-panel wall behind the sink. "Sometimes you gotta stop talking. Sometime you just need to stop apologizing, shut up, and show them how much they mean to you."

Jacob was silent beside me, save for his short, even breaths. I could hear the sound of his lips parting, his tongue sweeping over the top one before he spoke. "That's pretty good advice, Bells." His body rustled as he stepped back from the sink. "And it means something else coming from you. It kinda makes me remember what I missed most...what I missed most about you." My grip on the plate tightened. "How fucking smart you are...and that heart."

"Jacob..." My eyes fell to the dishwater and the plate in my hand. I hoped he would listen to me. Hoped something in my words would resonate.

Something had, just not in the way I anticipated.

And every muscle in my body tensed, my frame locking as I suddenly felt Jacob's presence return, no longer beside me but just behind me. His body was angular to mine, which was pressing instinctively against the sink. His was misunderstanding. Showing.

Just like I told him too.

"Here, let me."

My breath hitched slightly as the warm air from his mouth danced across the side of my face. The heat emanating from his body appeared out of nowhere as he pushed it entirely too close to mine. I watched his hand snake around my frame, fingers curling around the plate, brushing against my hand – inadvertently or on purpose, I still wasn't sure. He pulled on the dish slightly, but my fingers wouldn't release their death grip on the object.

I was frozen.

I swallowed, blinking several times to clear the haze from my brain. "I've got it," I choked out, my other hand curling anxiously around the dishrag. He was too close. I wanted to push him away. I wanted to tell him to back up but I couldn't make my body move, apprehension and nerves causing roots to grow from my feet.

"Bells, it's okay," Jake whispered, his voice low and husky. Almost like a purr. That voice. God, I remembered that voice. It crawled through my body, igniting dormant feelings, memories long forgotten. Memories I kept telling myself didn't matter anymore.

But with him suddenly this close – pushing, prodding – it was hard to make out the line between fact or fiction. Dream or reality.

Past or present.

Jacob gave one last tug on the dish. "Let me," he repeated. "Honey...let go." His tone was deep and laced with a meaning he wasn't trying to hide. One by one, my fingers uncurled, painstakingly releasing their hold on the dish as Jacob pulled it away. It disappeared from my view as I felt him move, my body unwillingly following every movement of his as he reached up, placing the plate in the cupboard above the sink.

He closed the door with a muted thud, but it was enough to make me jump. I still couldn't move. Even if I wanted to, Jacob's body was barring me from doing anything other than simply turning around. Instead, I watched, waited, as my heart pumped furiously in my ears. His arm withdrew and his frame shifted but he didn't step back. He didn't move away. He didn't let up.

My eyes closed inherently and my breath escaped my lips in a surprised rush when I suddenly felt his palms curl cautiously around my shoulders, his thumbs rubbing circles into the muscles just below them.

"Jacob..." I whispered again, the word a breathy plea. Not to relieve. Not to continue.

To show mercy on a part of my soul I was trying so hard to deny him access to.

But he misunderstood again. Or he took a chance. I couldn't tell, my chest tightening as I tried to suck in a desperate breath. Trying to regain some semblance of sanity and reconnect the wires severing rapidly between my head and my heart.

A low squeak escaped my lips as that familiar breath found a new home, warming the skin at the curve of my neck. It was only a moment, but with every movement enhanced, every sensation on overload as I tried to process what he was doing – where he was – it felt like an eternity before warm, rough lips pressed with an agonizing gentleness against the spot just next to my shoulder.

I couldn't...

No. This wasn't supposed to be happening.

Not anymore.

"Jake, stop..."

My eyes opened swiftly, senses reconnecting faster than I lost them as I dropped the dish rag in the sink, my body twisting around in the small space Jacob's hulking, intruding frame allowed me.

It didn't work. Before I hadn't been able to see Jacob. As I looked up, meeting his searing gaze, I realized I was better off where I was. Had I stayed with my back to him, I wouldn't have seen his face, set stoically in an expression of sheer determination. His eyes were glazed over with a look he'd been giving me all night, with a love he never lost, no matter how much distance he put between us. No matter how much I moved forward without him.

In his mind, this is where he'd always been.

Right here.

I felt one large, blazing hand move over mine where it rested on the counter's edge, fingers wrapping possessively, hungrily, over mine, inadvertently keeping me in place. I leaned back, but Jacob followed, his other hand lifting slowly, cupping my cheek. It felt familiar and _different_ all in the same breath.

Eyes remained open, lungs ceased to breathe, and I swear my heart stopped beating as he leaned forward, peering at me needfully through hooded eyes. His mouth pulled closer to mine, my body frozen as he eliminated the distance between us. I couldn't speak, the words caught in my throat as I frantically tried to push one out. Any word. One was all I needed.

"Can't..."

Jacob inhaled sharply, swallowing, his throat bobbing with the movement. "Bella, it can be like tonight all the time, you know," he whispered, the sweetness of his breath infiltrating my senses, his fingers leaving untraceable lines down my cheek. "You just gotta let go. It can be like it was. Just me. Showing you." He leaned forward, my breath leaving me in a frenetic rush as he brushed his lips against my cheek before moving to the other. "And just you. Jake and Bells...like it's always been. No one else."

My eyes fluttered closed, his words tugging at something deep inside me. Pricking at my resolve. Appealing to a person who once needed this, a person who craved his warmth, who needed his presence to breathe. Tearing down everything I built without him for just a moment.

A moment was all he needed.

He closed the minute bit of space between us in one hesitant movement, his lips pushing against mine, tasting me, testing the waters. Making sure I wasn't going to protest.

Everything about that feeling, every word his lips ever whispered to me and every promise he ever made, came flooding back as I found myself returning the kiss. With each cautious movement, as his tongue swept along my bottom lip, begging for more, I remembered how easy this once was.

How easy it could likely be again.

Jacob pulled away before me, my lungs refusing to breathe as I let my eyelids flutter open. I trembled, barely recognizing the churn in my stomach, registering nothing but what just happened and the man standing in front of me.

Still, my bottom lip quivered without my permission, mourning a reunion I hadn't asked for and still wasn't entirely sure I wanted.

"Shh. I've got you," Jacob whispered, his breath pluming across my parted lips. "You don't have to put on this brave face for me, Bells. You don't have to be strong."

My head inherently lolled from side to side as I squeezed my eyes closed, disagreeing with him without really understanding why.

Jacob reached up, using one large palm to brush the hair from my face. "Just let me take care of you, honey, like I was always meant to." He leaned forward again, pressing a chaste kiss to my forehead. "Me, Bells – not him."

My stomach jerked violently at his last word. A strangled noise escaped my throat as I turned my face, forcing him to pull back, reality crashing down on me like a runaway tidal wave.

_Me, Bells – not him._

Him.

_Him._

Embry.

"Can't," I repeated, this time twisting my body unnaturally until Jacob had to take a step back to keep me from hurting myself. His fingers still curled desperately across mine until my gaze fell on my restrained hand, bracing myself against the floorboards before pulling it from his grasp. "I can't do...I can't do this, Jacob," I gasped, finally finding the right words.

"Bella, you _can_ ," Jacob pleaded, turning his body to follow me as I took a step away from his heat, away from the intoxicating aura his presence had surrounded me in. "You've taken a chance on me before. This is no different."

Reaching up and scrubbing both hands through my hair, I shook my head violently, my back still facing him. "It doesn't matter. I can't do this right now. I shouldn't have...I _can't_."

"Bells..." Jacob's voice was grasping, despairing. He knew he was losing me. Losing his grip. Again.

Yet there was still an underlying hint of certainty in it. Like he _knew_ he did what he needed to. Like he got under my skin.

Like he made me remember everything.

Gripping my stomach, choking back the overwhelming urge to gag, I shook my head again. "I have to go. I shouldn't have come."

As I stumbled out of the kitchen, he didn't come after me. I couldn't hear footsteps as I grabbed my jacket off the back of the couch, fumbling as I tried to pull it on. I didn't bother zipping it as I threw open the front door, desperate to put something between us before he changed his mind.

But it didn't matter. He didn't come after me because he _did_ do what he needed to.

He planted a microscopic seed of doubt, leaving it to grow beneath his light. Leaving me to question that walking away – that shutting him out – was the right thing to do.

He knew it.

I knew it.

My throat burned as I pulled my jacket tighter around me, sucking in a lungful of crisp, night air. I shoved one hand in my pocket and noisily pulled out my keys, lifting one heavy leg and placing it in front of me before the other followed, eventually carrying me forward and off the porch.

The silence was deafening, the wind now calm and barely disrupting the trees surrounding the small house. The only sound I could hear were my labored breaths, accompanied by the sound of my footsteps on the gravel as I approached my car.

 _Almost there_ , I told myself, my eyes trained on the ground while expecting to see the faded blue paint appear in my line of sight.

What I wasn't prepared for, however, was the sound of two more sets of footsteps interrupting the perfectly timed fall of my own. I wasn't prepared for the two bodies that appeared in front of me.

I stopped automatically, the bodies blocking my path to my only route of escape. Instinctively, my gaze traveled up, my eyes adjusting in the darkness to take in the features attached to those bodies.

My mouth fell open, allowing a silent cry left my mouth as my arms tightened across my chest, my legs quivering beneath me.

Paul stood before me, a stone-cold expression on his face as his eyes raked over my posture.

Embry stood to his right.

The same time my body flooded with relief at the sight of him, my heart sank to my stomach, tears clouding my vision as a sudden wave of guilt threatened to plow me straight to the ground.

I allowed one hand to move, rubbing frantically over my eyes, my gaze completely ignoring Paul while it swept over Embry's features. His jaw clenched as he held in questions, his brow furrowing in confusion, his body leaning forward like he was waiting for me to speak. Like he was hoping I'd explain myself and prove wrong every assumption flashing through those cloudy, onyx eyes.

My fingers wrapped tightly around my arms, the polyester material of my jacket crinkling beneath the pressure.

"Where were you?" I whispered.

Embry's lips parted yet he still didn't speak, a shudder lacing its way up my spine. His head tipped subconsciously to one side, studying me. It suddenly was like he couldn't hear me, his face darkening the longer he took in my distraught expression. His body jerked, inhaling sharply through his nose, no doubt soaking in the scent of distress I was sure he could smell radiating from my body.

But he didn't ask why I was there. He didn't ask what was wrong. His face hardened, his chest heaving with tight, restrained breaths, continuing to draw in air through his nostrils.

Putting the pieces together. Figuring it out.

He didn't have to ask.

He already knew.

"What did he do?"

His words were a rumble, produced from the depths of his chest. The past seven days, the distance I'd put between us forgotten as his hands curled into fists at his sides. My gaze fell to the ground under the weight of his stare. I recognized this Embry. It was the one I'd seen in my driveway just a week earlier. Feral, angry, possessed by an inherent need to protect.

But it _wasn't_ Embry. Bringing my gaze up, I squinted through the darkness, looking for him. Looking for some hint of those kind eyes, the gentle soul buried deep underneath a reaction I wasn't expecting.

But he wasn't there.

The wolf had taken his place.

Ripping his scrutinizing stare away from mine, Embry refocused his glare on the little red house behind me.

"Go home, Bella."

My limbs were trembling as Embry took a step forward, followed by another, his body focused on its destination. I reached out to him, needing to stop him, my feet barely moving as my fingers almost touched the flesh of his arm. But the world suddenly spun when a hot hand clamped around my wrist and roughly jerked me away from Embry.

My back was pressed against a hard chest as a sob slipped its way past my lips. "Relax, B." Paul's voice was gruff in my ear. "Let him go."

"No," I choked out, body moving in slow motion as I pulled at my blazing restraints even though I knew the movement was futile. With each stride Embry took toward the house, the more the fear – the terror of what he was capable of and how it could end – coursed through my veins.

It burned in my throat, one last plea bubbling through my tightened airway.

"Embry!"

It was the only thing that could stop him in his tracks. The sound of my voice, his name, laced with a desperation, a primal _need_ I couldn't control – to keep him there, to keep him next to me – paralyzed him. It was enough for him to forget his mission for a split second.

He looked over his shoulder, slowly and painstakingly, his determined facade crumbling for a single moment before the hardened mask gradually crept its way back into place. His shoulders rose and fell with a heavy breath before his eyes snapped to a pair above me.

"Take her home."

It wasn't a request. It was a demand, one not up for negotiation.

As Embry continued up the porch steps, ripping away a part of me as he did, my body fell slack before a steady arm swept it up. It carried me swiftly around the front of the car, swinging open the door before depositing me gently yet unceremoniously in the passenger seat.

I pressed my head into the seat, bringing one hand up to cover my eyes, my elbow leaning against the window as I heard the driver's side door open and close. My temples throbbed and my stomach burned as I forced myself to breathe, to focus on something other than what was happening – or going to happen – inside the house just in front of me.

The sting never dissipated, but behind my eyelids, I could only see two things. Two faces. Past and present _still_ locked in a battle for my future.

Somewhere, somehow, I messed up. And now I knew. There would be no avoiding it. Not like this. When I took that one, tentative step forward, it took me off course. It caused an avalanche I never saw coming. Everything was spinning out of control and I suddenly had no idea which direction I was supposed to keep moving.

And it wasn't just Jacob's fault. It wasn't just Embry's.

It was mine. It was my fault for thinking I could choose a path where both of them waited at the end.

The Mustang's engine roared to life as I felt Paul reach into my jacket pocket. Under normal circumstances, I would have stopped him – scolded him – but in that moment I couldn't bring myself to move as I felt the car peel out on the gravel driveway.

"Lee? It's Paul. Hey, you might want to get over to Rachel's. Yeah, right now...bring Seth. Or someone else. No, not Sam. Something tells me we're gonna have a mess to clean up here."


	31. Present

_**Suggested Listening: "The Lion, The Beast and The Beat" by Grace Potter & The Nocturnals, "Pray" by Kodaline, "Heart in Wire" by Matthew Mayfield, "How Come Your Arms Are Not Around Me" by City and Colour, "If You Would Come Back Home" by William Fitzsimmons** _

**EMBRY POV**

Flames.

Red-hot fury curled itself around every vein in my body.

Fingers dug into blazing flesh. Muscles clenched as hands clawed, struggling for release. Silence was cut short by gurgled chokes.

Sounds of submission.

_More heat._

I felt like I was fucking burning alive, my breath coming in hard pants as I stood stiff against the floor, one arm pressed against Jacob's heaving chest as it held him against the wall. The feel of his protesting skin and contracting muscles beneath my other hand was the only balm that could soothe the rage boiling just beneath my skin.

At that moment, I barely remembered how I got there. How everything made it this far.

How I went from refusing to fight this way to my fingers curled unforgivingly around Jacob's throat.

But there was at least one thing I did know, barely masked beneath the consuming haze of the wolf's fury combined with my own.

There was no regret. No mercy. No second thoughts. I was one ounce of pressure away from cutting off his air supply completely.

And the worst part was I didn't care.

I was fucking losing it.

I lost it the moment I smelled her. The moment I smelled him _on_ her.

The moment he pushed too hard.

The moment he went too god damn far.

That much I _could_ remember.

That, and the past seven days. Seven days without knowing.

Seven days without her.

For seven days, I burned. For seven days, I felt my world slipping. For seven days, the wolf begged. He pleaded and scratched and pulled at his restraints, and I was reminded of the last time. Only this time it was worse. He threatened to rip his way from my chest if he didn't get what he wanted.

But I stayed away. I stayed away because it was what Bella wanted. What she needed, even if doing so had ultimately allowed this to happen in the first place.

 _You should have fought harder. You should have fought_ better _._

I shook my head, pushing the sickening instinct down as I sucked in a lungful of air, trying to grasp some semblance of sanity. I barely heard Jacob's suppressed voice through the pounding in my ears.

"Em... _please_."

I hadn't fought – not the way Jacob had. I waited. I waited because of everything happening in front of me, wanting to avoid it at all costs. I waited even though it killed it me. I wasn't going to play Jacob's game. I couldn't because I already did it once.

And it got me nowhere.

I waited too long.

And now I was here. Like this. Wanting to claim. Wanting to hurt.

Fighting back every primal fiber inside me telling me to do it.

Still, the wolf had clawed his way out before I could stop him. I'd contained him too long and I was flailing. Trying to find a _reason_ to stop, trying to make the wolf believe this was something the man would regret for the rest of his life.

I hadn't shown up at Jacob's house for dinner. Paul invited me like Rachel asked him to, but I looked at him like he was fucking crazy just before he phased. I wasn't going to make peace with Jacob. I wasn't going to give him a pass because he told us where he was. I wasn't going to let his abandonment slide and in the same breath, turn a blind eye to the fact he was on the cusp of tearing our pack apart.

I wasn't going to let go of the past until _he_ did.

However, Paul never mentioned Bella. So when we ended our shift, I walked with him, knowing I'd keep on my way when we reached Jake's house.

But my plans changed when the wind shifted and one breath caught a subtle hint of cream and honey mixed with pine and sea salt. My spine tingled and my stomach twisted the same time the wolf stirred within me, the embers inside me sparking as he recognized where we were and where exactly the scent was coming from.

When he picked up the distress in it.

And I realized why the moment Bella's eyes found mine when she stumbled from the house toward her car, arms wrapped tightly across her body. The relief in them, the ease in her pulse when she saw me, was almost enough to soothe my fears and erase the past seven days.

It was almost enough to extinguish the burn.

But the flames were only fanned a second later as her expression shifted from relief to shame. The threads of control unraveled inside me the moment she tore her eyes away and the instant my nostrils recognized a new scent.

 _His_ , weaved delicately within the sweetness of her breath.

Something inside me snapped.

The _wolf_ snapped, and I was swallowed whole by an inferno I couldn't control. By one I didn't know _how_ to control.

Somewhere beneath the blaze, I had enough sense to ask Paul to take Bella home. My eyes locked on a wooden door separating me from my target, she didn't need to see that side of me. She didn't need to know what I was capable of doing.

And in that moment, I was confident she didn't need to see what I _knew_ was going to happen.

This would be worse than before.

This was something she'd never forgive me for.

I threw open the front door of the little red house without knocking, barely cataloging the distant sound of the Mustang's engine rumbling out of the driveway. One sharp, pointed breath through my nostrils revealed he was there. I could hear the moving of a body just beyond the kitchen doorway.

Which is when he stepped out, his black stare fixed on me – sweeping over my poised frame – knowing what was about to happen.

But as the sight of him caused my blood to boil, I knew he didn't have a fucking clue.

He matched my first step, but my strides were longer, more purposeful. We met somewhere in the middle, nothing reaching my senses other than his movements and where he would be next. When only inches separated us, he reeled back, my name falling from his lips as he tried getting out of my way.

It didn't work.

My body twisted to face him as one arm raised instinctively, the weight of my frame knocking his off balance. My vision blurred as I moved, slamming Jacob against the wall of his living room. His eyes widened in surprise, and I only pushed harder, effectively trapping him where he was. He brought his hands up, attempting to push me away. Normally, he would have been able to. He had always been stronger than me.

Not today.

"Not your best idea, man..."

Something imploded inside me. The last microscopic bit of control I had. The sound of his voice – laced with the sound of more excuses, combined with what he'd gone through the past seven days – was enough to send the wolf into a blinding frenzy.

My other hand moved so quickly I couldn't stop it, cutting off his words as my palm pushed against his throat, my fingers inherently closing against his skin.

I pushed harder, my vision clouding red and my muscles rippling, contracting beneath my skin.

But something stopped me. A break in the haze of madness, letting through a sliver of sense I wasn't expecting.

Something that stopped me just before I went too far.

It screamed at me. I fought with myself, struggling to let the plea surface, one buried deep inside me battling the wolf for dominance.

_He's your family._

I blinked, the moments leading up to this fading as Jacob's face reappeared in front of me. A strangled cry of frustration left my throat as I tried to make my fingers move, to release their hold.

This wasn't the answer.

This wasn't the way to fight.

Still, I barely heard the footsteps on the porch outside before a shrill, frantic voice pierced through the silence, punctuated only with the sound of gasping breaths.

"Embry! Stop!"

Jacob's bulging, frightened eyes darted toward the door. It took every ounce of strength in me to do the same. It was almost painful to do, but somehow I managed to tear my hardened, focused stare away from the man in front of me.

Rachel stood in the doorway, one arm hovering out in front of her, hand held up in a defensive, placating gesture. The other was curled tightly around a small plastic bag, which was quivering from the tremors rolling off her hands. I didn't realize my lip had curled into a sneer until her eyes widened and she took a step backward.

But it was enough to register, to penetrate, to push that plea through.

She was _afraid_ of me.

And it was what I needed to break down that last little bit of resistance.

My mouth fell open as I fought back the burning, squeezing my eyes closed. I felt my fingers release their magnetized hold on Jacob's skin, one by one. With a groan, I stumbled backward, body colliding heavily with the couch. My breath left me in tormented, labored pants, skin crawling against the separation as I heard Jacob frantically suck in his first, unrestricted inhale in what seemed like hours, even though it had only been less than a minute.

I stumbled along the back of the couch, barely opening my eyes before collapsing onto its arm. "Rachel." Jacob's voice was hoarse as he directed it at his sister. "Go outside."

"Wh...what the fuck is going on, Jake? Where's Bella? What did you do?"

The dominant part of my soul bucked and I lurched forward to keep it from escaping, clenching my teeth while gripping the sides of the couch so hard I thought the frame might splinter beneath my fingers. "Rachel!" This time Jake's voice was louder, even as his vocal chords continued to protest under the force of his words. "GO!"

There was silence for several moments, silence until I heard more footsteps approaching beyond Rachel. Blinking wildly, willing the haze of crimson to recede, I knew Paul had sent them, and I knew Jacob could hear them, too. I swore silently to myself as I heard them reach the front door.

"Take her outside," Jacob ordered. I didn't even bother to look, somehow managing to count the new pairs of feet plodding on the wooden porch. Two people.

"What the fuck did you do, Jake?" Leah's voice seemed distant even as it pierced through the heady tension in the room.

"It's none of your business, Leah," Jake responded pointedly. "You need to leave. Or go outside. Whatever you do, take Rachel with you. She doesn't need to be in here right now."

Leah let out a vehement scoff the same time I heard a pair of footsteps come forward.

"Em, man..." _Quil_. "You alright, bro? You need us to stay?"

Swallowing past the dryness in my mouth, I managed to open my eyes, trying to throw a glance over my shoulder. Quil was standing just inside the doorway, his eyes wide, pleading and anxious. Behind him, Leah stood close to Rachel, hands wrapped comfortingly around her shoulders.

Rachel was still trembling.

Pushing back the last of the flames licking at my spine, I forced myself to nod, the words heavy and choking in my mouth. "It's...fine. Go."

Quil blinked in disbelief before he forced his body to move, his eyes darting toward Leah. She nodded, taking a step back, pulling Rachel with her. Rachel snapped out of whatever anxious trance she'd fallen under before her gaze found the ground, bouncing up to look at her brother, to look at me, before finally letting Leah lead her away from the door.

With that, Quil turned back to us, reaching to his left and closing the door with a flick of his wrist.

"What the fuck are you doing, man?" Jacob asked, my gaze passing over him as I turned it from Quil. He was still rubbing his neck, his hand barely hiding the splotchy black and blue marks, already formed and darkening just as fast on their way to healing.

As much as I hated it, as much as it made me want to claw out that part of me – the small part that allowed me to let go before I did even more damage – I couldn't help the crippling wave of remorse flooding my veins, mixing with the slowly ebbing rage before it disappeared just as quickly.

_This is what I'd been trying to avoid. All of it._

"Staying here," Quil retorted as I heard his body lean back against the wall next to the door. "Playing fly on the wall. To step in if you two can't fucking fight the urge to kill each other again. You heard what Sam said at the meeting the other day, and let's face it – I really don't want any extra patrols if he finds out I just stood by and let you two turn each other into Dog Chow."

"No, you're not," Jake argued. "Quil...go outside."

"No!" Quil responded petulantly. "You're not the boss of me."

"Quil...go...out...side," Jake tried again, this time with less room for argument in the request.

"Not a chance, dude."

Finally, I shook my head, my inhale harsh as I sucked it through my teeth. "Listen to him."

I managed to look back over my shoulder then. Quil blinked in my direction, the request obviously resonating somewhere else when it came from my mouth. He snuck one last look at Jake before he glanced back at me. "Fine...but I'm leaving the door open."

A few feet away, Jake shifted his weight from one foot to the other but stayed where he was. "That works."

Nodding in satisfaction, Quil uncrossed his arms and pushed himself off the wall before throwing the door open, sneaking one last glance over his shoulder before bounding off the porch into the darkness outside.

I stood there, frozen, my fingers curling in the couch upholstery, keeping them from closing into fists. The cool breeze from the open door washed across my back, soothing the fire in my spine. I could feel Jacob's pointed stare back on me before he drew in a long, cleansing breath. A heady silence fell over the living room, giving me a moment to breathe and giving Jacob a moment to figure out what he was going to say next.

But this time, I _didn't_ wait.

"Tell me what happened," I murmured, leaning forward, elbows pressed into my thighs as I brought my clasped hands to my mouth. "Tell me what you did."

"Embry," Jake's voice was an anxious whisper. A sickening flash of something – an unwarranted sense of triumph – shot through me at his tone. "What good's that gonna do now?"

"Just fucking tell me, man!" I cried out, my hands dropping as I turned a venomous glare in his direction. I had to get through to him. Somehow, he needed to see what he was doing and what this was doing to everyone it touched.

I could almost hear the saliva push back to his throat when he swallowed. "I kissed her."

"Did she ask you to?"

Another long, agonizing moment of silence passed between us, my pulse pounding in my ears as I awaited his answer.

"No."

I inhaled, the movement sharp, my throat burning. "And what did you say to her?"

"Em, what the hell does it matter?"

"It...matters," I seethed, my gaze focused on the wall several feet away from me. My fingers quaked as I curled them back into fist, once again bringing them to my mouth. "For once since you came back, Jake, just fucking give it to me straight. Like you always used to."

I heard a smacking noise as Jake brought his tongue out and swept it across his lips nervously. He took a heavy, resigned breath before he spoke. "I invited her over for dinner. I told her you might be here, which wasn't a lie."

The ironic laugh that spilled from the back of my throat was enough to cause a shudder to race through my body. "And you _really_ thought I would be here?"

Jacob made a noise in his throat. "No."

"Exactly," I spat out. "Keep talking."

Jacob swallowed again. "I told her it could be like this all the time. I told her it could be like it was. That she didn't have to put on a brave face for me, that she doesn't have to be strong, because she doesn't...and then I kissed her."

I closed my eyes inherently, the flames once again threatening to overtake the calm trudging its way through my veins. Imagining it was one thing, hearing him say the words out loud was completely different. The knot in my stomach tore at my insides and my heart thumped against my ribs, aching over what he told her and knowing there was a part of her that more than likely let herself believe it. Even if it was only for a moment.

"You don't fucking know her at all," I murmured into my skin. "Not anymore."

Jacob scoffed, the words getting the better of the unsteady truce he allowed himself to call with me. "What the fuck does that mean?"

"Think about it, Jake." I shook my head, allowing my gaze to snap in his direction. He was standing straight, no longer leaning against the wall, his mouth open and his eyes narrowed defiantly.

"Oh, and what? You're with her for like a month and that totally cancels out the _two years_ I had with her?"

"Jake... _think_ about it."

Jacob growled, bringing one hand up and scrubbing it through his hair viciously. Suddenly he spun on his heel, a realization in his eyes as they found my stare, his chest heaving with restrained breaths. "Is _that_ what you meant? The other day? When you told me we're fighting for two different things?"

Leaning forward on the arm of the couch, I rubbed my hands roughly over my face before I peered up at him. "Bingo."

Jake shook his head wildly. "No. She's still the same Bella. I should know...I _know_ her better than you, man."

My stomach twisted as I watched him, as he fought what I was trying to make him see. And it wasn't because he didn't see it – he fought it because he didn't _want_ to see it. He didn't want to see how much things changed because of his decision to leave, almost like by trying to hang on to the way everything was would prove he didn't fuck up. That if nothing had changed, and people would allow him to continue believing that, he hadn't made a mistake.

That included Bella.

Seven days of staggered patrols and seven days of accidental moments where Jacob and I were phased at the same time, when he let his guard down slightly and allowed us unintended flashes of a conversation on a beach, revealed pleas and tears around a fire pit. It gave me exactly what I needed to understand it more clearly. Even if it was harder than hell to see and even more so to swallow.

I did because it was enough to realize what else he was holding on to. To realize the past was all he had. It was the only card Jacob had to play when it came to her. The only thing capable of making her second guess the steps she'd taken.

Bella had managed to bury the past. She put it behind her. Even so, it didn't magically disappear, which was an easier thing to believe when Jacob was gone. When he wasn't here. Testing us. Testing _her_.

But he was still there. It was in her eyes as they pierced through my throbbing chest in front of his house.

He still had a piece of Bella's heart. He still had a piece of _her_.

But that piece? It was one from a different Bella. One who was broken, one who never tried to put herself back together, one who let him do it for her instead. One who allowed her life to grow around his until they fused together in a way that seemed impossible to separate.

A Bella who never denied him anything.

A Bella who always thought she needed Jacob to survive.

 _She_ was all he had.

 _She_ was the Bella Jacob was fighting for.

But I knew better. That piece wasn't one Bella needed to live. Not anymore.

I knew it.

And she knew it too.

I drew in a ragged breath, avoiding Jake's stare, even though I could feel it burning holes through my skull. "You _don't_ know her – not anymore." I glanced at him vehemently out of the corner of my eye. "Everyone keeps talking to you about choices, man, but you're not letting it sink in. You fucked up. You made your choice. You chose to leave and because you made that choice, things changed, Jake. _We_ changed."

This time, I held his stare, my mouth falling open as he swallowed thickly, his eyes flicking back and forth as he fought the urge to fight back. So I pressed on. "And so did Bella. She's not the same person you're trying to get back."

"I don't fucking buy that," Jake ground out, the resentment toward me calling him out on his unwillingness to admit he was wrong building inside him. "I _know_."

The knot in my stomach screamed at his defiance, his words goading me, instinct scratching deep down. Begging to be let out. Begging to show him how wrong he was.

"You don't," I repeated.

Jacob scoffed, throwing his hands up in the air in admonishment. "Fine. If I _don't_ know, why don't we just end this now? Be fucking done with it. Tell her to choose, Em. You or me. Then we'll see if you're right." His words were rushed, thoughtless, and I could tell he was no longer thinking before he spoke a single one of them.

I shook my head, frustration seeping through the action. "I can't do that, Jake."

"Fine," he pressed on, all fear in his voice gone. Like he'd forgotten what just happened minutes before, when he pleaded with me not to hurt him. "Then we fight. That's what you wanted to do when you came in here, wasn't it? Fight? If that's the case, then I say let's finish what you started. Whoever loses walks away. She'll be happy with either of us, right?"

My mouth fell open in astonishment at his words, my legs instinctively unfolding as I rose to my feet. "You're fucking losing it, Jake."

"No, pretty sure I'm the only one thinking clearly here. The only one thinking about a solution to this problem we seem to have," Jacob retorted, taking a step toward me, which I countered by taking a step back this time. The wolf snarled at the submission, urging my feet forward, my limbs igniting as I struggled to stay in place.

"I'm not gonna fight _you_ , Jake," I growled, my eyes narrowing in his direction. "Yeah, I wanted to rip your fucking head off a minute ago, but I can't...because even if I can't forgive you for what you did...what you're doing now...and no matter how much I love Bella, at the end of the day, you're still my fucking family."

Jacob sneered as he took a step forward, followed by another. This time, I stayed rooted in place. I didn't move. I didn't back down but I didn't advance either. Only a few inches separated us before Jacob stopped in his tracks, his lips curling into a snide smile before leaning forward slightly.

"How about now?"

My jaw tightened instinctively, my nostrils flaring with the adrenaline-fueled breaths swiftly escaping my lungs. "You don't wanna do this, man." The words were a warning laced with a truth.

"You don't know a god damn thing, Embry." Jake's voice was bordering on desperation. Coming unraveled, the frenetic energy tangible in his eyes. "About me. About Bella. About _anything_." This time, his lip curled into a sneer, his eyes assessing me. "She's not yours – and she never fucking will be. Not if I have anything to say about it."

My insides quaked, the fire returning as my hardened stare pierced through Jake's black eyes. I licked my lips, swallowing roughly before refocusing my eyes on him. "Jake, I am _begging_ you...for me, for Bella, for the pack...listen to me. Take away _something_ in what everyone else is telling you...and walk away. Walk away from _this_. Find a reason... _anything_...and walk away. For the _right_ reasons this time. Before it destroys you, your family...all of us."

"You know what, Em? Fuck you," he seethed in my face. "You're not my family. You've always wanted to be...you've always wanted my life. Well, guess what? You can't have it."

I winced in spite of myself, taking a step back. A wave of triumph passed across Jacob's features when I pulled away, his eyes following me. Even though I tried to ignore the feeling of betrayal – of hurt – stirring in my insides, I knew what this meant. He was trying to hurt me. He was trying to shake my confidence, to make me feel inferior to him, something he'd never done in the history of our friendship. He was fumbling.

He'd finally hit rock bottom.

And it also meant at this point my best friend – the Jake I was trying so fucking hard to reach – was completely gone.

And he wasn't going to stop until he got what he wanted, until every wrong step he'd taken the past five months was wiped clean with some kind of absolution. An absolution that came with a price, the cost being the life I'd created for myself out of his choice.

Until he got that, he was going to drag each one of us down with him.

Which meant I had to do something. I couldn't take this anymore – none of us could. I could feel myself being ripped in half, floating somewhere in the middle of two choices. Walking away, putting duty and family before everything. Or standing my ground, standing by one person who was part of that family, and watching as the rest of it crumbled from the inside out.

Something had to give and it had to give soon.

But there was no right answer. There was no path to choose where there'd be no casualties.

"You're right," I said, forcing my body to turn toward the door. "If that's what you think, I don't want to be a part of it. The family I knew wouldn't do this to each other."

My feet moved beneath me, and only a few steps separated me from the door when I heard Jake's fall heavily on the floor as he turned to face my retreating frame.

"Oh, that's rich. Because you know _so much_ about family." Jacob snorted under his breath. "Why should I be the one to walk away, Embry? After all, look at you doing it now. You look pretty good at it. Like father, like son, huh?"

My footsteps faltered as the words pierced the space between us, plowing straight into me like a brick to the back. I leaned forward slightly, my arm clenching my torso as the other one shot out to brace myself on the doorframe. It was something he didn't talk about. It was something _I_ didn't talk about. Something that was off-limits in almost any context.

Something he knew would go straight for my gut.

The only thing that would make me second-guess walking away from _this_ family.

I closed my eyes, counting the breaths I took, calming the sudden onslaught of desire ripping through my veins, telling me to turn around and finish what I started.

But my feet kept moving, taking one more searing step onto the front porch.

"On second thought, maybe your dad was onto something...walking away," Jake blurted out, his tone changing, turning his words into aimless bullets with the knowledge that I wasn't going to turn back.

"Maybe you should take a cue from him and _keep walking_." His voice dripped with a sincerity I could barely fathom. "Bella's _not_ yours. She _won't_ choose you. Just like your father didn't choose your mother. She wasn't good enough...neither are you."

But the bullets didn't miss. Every fucking one of them hit their target as a crippling heat shot up my spine. I barely registered Quil, who somewhere in the middle of everything, had appeared at the foot of the porch steps, his eyes huge and horrified. Still, I squeezed mine shut and swallowed the bile in the back of my throat, the wood of the doorframe splintering beneath my hand before I realized what I was doing.

 _He doesn't get to decide who you are_ , I told myself.

He _doesn't matter._

I repeated the three words, even though I knew they were a lie.

Still, I listened.

I kept walking.

I released my hold on the doorframe, stumbling down the porch steps and brushing past a bewildered Quil. The words pulsed in my head, resurfacing with each step. Keeping time to the sound my feet made as I left the little red house behind me.

I walked away from the only family I'd ever known, one I knew I'd truly lost this time, in search of the only thing I had left – a set of arms, a paralyzing smile, and a person I would sacrifice everything for.

Even though it was one who _could_ still decide I wasn't good enough. One who could still decide I wasn't what she needed.

One who could still choose to walk away from me, too. Because I wouldn't stop her.

Because like I told Jake. It was about choice. It had _always_ been about choice.

And I'd never take Bella's away from her.

* * *

**BELLA POV**

The entire house was silent, Charlie's snoring from beyond his closed door the only sound breaking through the thickness of it. I paced, back and forth in my own room, the floorboards groaning with each pass I made.

I pulled my arms tight across my chest, flashes of everything assaulted me.

Jacob's fingers curled around mine. His lips pressed against my mouth. His scent.

Embry's face. The fire in his eyes before he walked away from me. The despair I felt when he did.

The familiarity of both of them.

The drive home had been quick. I barely registered Paul sitting next to me, but I could feel his frequent, anxious glances in my direction, like at any moment I would burst into hysterics and he'd have to pull over and come up with some way to console me.

But I didn't. I was still. Silent. Numb despite the overload of emotions and thoughts bombarding my insides. Despite Jacob's words circling through my head. The feel of his lips appealing to a memory.

I hadn't asked for his words. I didn't want them, but he'd given them to me anyway. Just like he had since the first day he came back. They stuck, resonated, unyielding. His words pushed, despite my best efforts to stay rooted in the present, to stay right where I was. My feet were slipping, inch by inch sliding into the past I'd left behind. Slipping into the ease of what once was.

Which only helped me remember why letting go had been so hard to do in the first place.

Stopping at the window overlooking the backyard, I let my eyes survey the dark expanse, my chest tightening with the unknown. The anxiety thrummed through my system as I gnawed on one of my fingernails, my eyes passing over the nothingness outside.

I hadn't given in to Jacob. Not fully. I hadn't because there was something else stopping me, this throbbing in my chest, the fear of what was happening miles away. Reminding me of one of the reasons I'd been able to leave his words, the memory of his kiss – _him_ – behind in the first place.

Embry.

My mind ran wild with possible scenarios and what could be happening while I stood here, worrying, doing nothing. My thoughts tripped over apologies and what I would tell Embry when I saw him. How I would explain what happened. How I would tell him I wasn't sure how the two of us could go on, be like we used to, with Jacob pounding down the barriers he created when he left. No matter how desperately I wanted us to.

My stomach churned when I thought about which direction I was supposed to go now. Or how I could be this person. This person who loved Embry. This person who ached when he wasn't next to me. The same one who used to love Jacob. The person who couldn't seem to keep out a love that was _supposed_ to last forever.

But I did know one thing. I couldn't be anything here. _Waiting_. Waiting on word. Waiting to find out which came out stronger – past or present.

I had to move.

With a groan, I grabbed my keys off my dresser. Starting for the door, flicking off the light before my feet hit the stairs, I took each one as quickly and as quietly as possible. Each step made me feel lighter, putting that much less distance between me and the unknown. Through hazy eyes, I knew I wasn't thinking clearly. I knew this wasn't a good idea.

But I didn't care.

I didn't bother grabbing my jacket when my feet hit the first floor, crossing the short distance in a mere moment, fumbling fingers curling around the doorknob as I threw it open.

The sight on my porch brought my footsteps to a sudden halt, the relief pouring through my body with so much intensity I couldn't help the strangled moan that left my throat.

"Embry."

Embry was standing a couple feet away from me, his frame stiff and rigid. The porch light bathed his body in a soft, yellow light, and the first pass my eyes made over him confirmed that physically, he was unhurt. Another wave of gratitude coursed through my veins, and I took what felt like my first breath in hours.

A second look, however, proved he was anything _but_ okay.

His arms were pressed against his sides, fingers curled into palms. His chest barely moved with tight, restrained breaths and his expression ripped a hole right through my chest. His eyes were dull and listless, remembering, smoldering over something I couldn't see.

My mouth fell open, my stomach lurching and my heart pounding against my ribcage as I studied the burning man in front of me. My legs tingled, needing to move, needing to comfort him.

Needing to prove that no matter how much of it I'd caused myself, I couldn't bear to see him in this kind of pain.

I closed the distance between us in two steps, my arms raising as I took his face roughly between my hands. He didn't move, even as my fingers traced uneven, frantic trails down his cheeks. Little by little, though, with every sweep of my thumbs, I watched the tension in his muscles ease, his eyes closing inherently as he soaked in the warmth of my skin on his.

"Hey," I whispered insistently under my breath. I pushed up on my tiptoes the same time I tried pulling his face closer to mine, the sorrow thick in my voice. My own response to his anguish. "It's okay. You're here. You're okay now."

Embry's eyes fluttered open just a crack, his lips parting and his own fingers finally reaching up to close around mine. Turning his head, he inhaled sharply, brushing his lips across my palm before slowly dragging his gaze back to me. The intensity in his eyes, the need, caused a shiver to snake its way up my spine, my fingers drifting to his neck.

In that moment, Embry leaned down suddenly, stealing the breath from my lungs as his mouth covered mine. My vision reeled the same time my eyes squeezed shut, the urgency in his lips and in his hands clawing desperately at my face prompting me to push back. To give him what he needed.

But I needed it, too. More than anything, I _wanted_ him.

I wanted him to remind me why I hadn't given in to all the moments leading up to this one.

My fingers twisted through his hair, my teeth nipping greedily at his bottom lip the same time he drug his hands roughly down the length of my back, each palm cupping the back of my thighs. In one lithe movement, his frame straightened as he lifted me in his arms. My arms and legs curled around his body, my mouth opening against his as I pulled him impossibly closer.

I tipped my head back, my eyes fluttering open slightly when I felt Embry move, when I felt him walk us back through the open front door. His lips blazing against my neck, I managed to reach out and push the door closed as he did. His movements were silent, my gasp subdued when he left a restrained bite on the curve of my neck.

Living room walls appeared in the sides of my vision. My mouth swept across the heated skin just below his ear, one blazing hand moving to my waist as he lowered my feet to the floor in front of the couch. Embry's frame bent with me, his lips seeking mine, his tongue pushing past mine as he deepened the kiss.

My head swimming and my eyes still closed, I pulled away before he was ready to let go, knowing there was at least one more thing needing to be said. Before things went any farther.

His eyes were black when I finally opened mine, and they held me to him. He still didn't speak a word, both my hands hanging onto his face with everything I had in me.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, my mouth brushing against his, warm wisps of breath washing over lips.

My eyes closed inherently the same moment Embry leaned forward, swallowing my apology with one last insistent kiss. My hands swept across his arms when I felt his fingers find the button of my jeans.

"Where's Charlie?" Embry's voice was low, forceful, rough lips dragging across my jawline as the words tumbled from his mouth.

I inhaled sharply into his skin, muffling the sound when Embry's fiery hands slid beneath my loosened jeans, his fingernails digging into the curves of my skin as he brought both hands back out. He hooked his thumbs around the denim, pulling on it the same moment I turned my head, my lips catching his in a swift, fervent kiss.

"Sleeping," I whispered against his lips. "He won't wake up."

"Doesn't matter," he replied as I felt a rush of cool air on my now exposed skin. "Right now, Bella, you're mine."

A pleasurable shudder erupted across my skin in response to the authoritative tone of his voice, and I didn't have the sense or the right mind to argue with him. My thoughts were focused on one thing as my fingers fumbled with a foreign zipper. I loosened it just enough, one arm weaving around Embry's neck and pulling him to me. My mouth covered his, breathing in his heady scent while the other hand unabashedly dove beneath his waistband, seeking out what I wanted as I ran my palm across his hardened length.

A low growl broke free from Embry's chest as he pulled me even closer to him, the heat from his body soaking through my skin and the remaining clothes on my body. Stepping over his jeans, I urged his body backward, my fingers grabbing hold of the hem of his t-shirt before he swept them away, pulling back from me long enough to peel it from his body.

My hands clasped his cheeks, my lips rejoining his as I felt my feet leave the ground once again. Suddenly Embry collapsed beneath me, sinking onto the couch. Our chests pressed together, my fingers running through strands of silky hair as I found myself situated on his lap.

Leaning back, my breath left me in muted pants. I let my eyes sweep over his features, illuminated only by the moonlight pouring through the living room window. His eyes were thick and clouded with lust, a noticeable difference from the tortured man I found on the porch. This was a side of Embry I'd never seen, but I welcomed it. It didn't frighten me because beneath it all, beneath the authority, the love shone brighter than ever.

A small smile pulled at my lips as I raised my hands over my head, Embry's gaze lowering to where his hands replaced the spot mine had been, pushing the shirt up my body before removing it completely.

I leaned forward, closing my eyes as I nipped at his earlobe. His fingers ghosted across my back, unhooking my bra before pushing it down my shoulders, removing the last piece of obtrusive fabric from my body. The feel of his skin on mine was enough to make my pulse pound in my ears, chills fanning through every vein in my body as I closed my eyes.

I reveled in it, remembering an all too short amount of time when this was all there was, when loving – _worshipping_ – each other was all we had to worry about.

Embry's palms pressed into my spine as he rocked forward, his tongue sweeping across the skin between my breasts, his lips leaving hot, open-mouthed kisses along the skin there. My head lolled back, my fingers fisting the hair at the base of his neck. One of his hands trailed its way around my body, closing roughly over my breast as I arched into his touch.

I let myself lean forward as Embry stretched, one hand cupping the back of my head while he placed deep kisses along the flushed skin of my neck. He was everywhere, touching everything. Claiming. Leaving no part of me unmarked.

My cheek pressed into the hair on top of his head, Embry's hot breath pluming across my chest. My mouth fell open as his hands dropped, fingers curling around my thighs. He dipped his head, allowing himself to take one nipple between his lips. Turning my face, I took a beautifully tormented breath against those ebony strands as shivers fanned through my body, originating from every inch of skin that came in contact with his hands and mouth.

"Bella." The sound of my name reverberated across my skin, and I raked my fingernails through his hair, causing him to shudder beneath me. He allowed me to tip his head back for a moment, and I leaned down the same time I rose up again on my knees, the friction of my breasts gliding across the dips and curves of his chest sending another wave of heat through me. I covered his mouth forcefully with mine the same time he clamped his hands onto my thighs, guiding me down until I felt the thickness of him inside me, filling me completely.

I moaned against his lips, my vision blurring as I squeezed my eyes shut. His fingers dug into my thighs and I pulled his bottom lip between my teeth, sweeping my tongue across it, tasting him. I ground my hips against him impatiently, needing him to move, wanting him, missing everything. Missing the way he felt inside me. Missing the way I fell apart beneath his hands.

His scorching palms wrapped around the back of my thighs as I pulled away from his lips, our gazes locking, concentrating. I rose up slightly on my knees before he guided me back down, pushing up with his hips, instantly hitting the place that would push me over the edge when he was ready for me to fall. My mouth fell open, the breath leaving my lungs in one strangled exhale. Still, he didn't wait for me to recover before he lifted me again, lowering me this time with more force.

A small moan escaped my lips before he leaned forward, sweeping it away with his mouth. I rocked up again, only to have my force matched with his insistent strength as I sank back onto him. Eyes rolling back beneath my eyelids, I closed them, his breath torturously brushing across my lips.

He didn't speak and neither did I. What we needed to say we did in our movements, in the urgency of our hands as we memorized paths across the other's skin. In the desperate way our mouths melded together, drinking in the need we kept contained for this moment. When we needed it most.

The friction, skin against skin, the frantic sound of our bodies connecting over and over caused a delirious tightness to form in the base of my stomach. A whimper left my throat, heat pooling inside me as he brushed his nose across my neck, his teeth dragging along my pulse. I couldn't stop the cry that escaped my lips when he nipped at the skin, sweeping his tongue across it a second later to soothe the spot.

" _Mine_."

The word was a growl, a demand as his fingers curled around the back of my neck. By this point he was sitting straight up on the couch, anchoring my body to him with his hands. I lifted myself from him only to have him pull me back, filling me roughly, repeatedly, an agonizingly synchronized dance.

He let my head fall back the same time his mouth returned to my neck, his tongue dragging across the beads of sweat, tasting the proof of what he was doing to my body. I swallowed thickly, mouth dry, fingers digging into his shoulders as I felt everything inside of me burning, fraying, coming apart.

"Yours."

I whispered the word, meaning it with every exploding cell in my body, meaning it as my body was swallowed and sucked beneath waves of exquisite heat.

I managed to lurch forward, muscles contracting and trembling, throwing my arms around Embry's neck and burying my face in his skin. I bit down on his shoulder to suppress the cries bubbling in my throat, begging for escape. The muscles in Embry's back tensed as he pushed into me one last time, the sensation equally delirious and impossible as his own cry left his mouth in a choked gasp.

I quaked uncontrollably in his arms, our labored breathing the only sound punctuating the silence of the living room. Slowly, Embry slacked beneath my hands as residual tremors continued to wind their way through my body. Wrapping his arms around me, Embry placed a soft kiss on my clavicle before moving us both back, his body instantly relaxing as he leaned back into the couch.

Reaching up, I ran one hand through his soaked strands of hair before managing to pull back. He turned his head slightly, and I pressed my lips to his slowly, lingering, coming down from my high while still craving the closeness. Barely separating from him, I sucked in a deep breath before releasing it in a ragged exhale, trying with everything I had to collect my bearings.

"I love you," I murmured against his lips.

Embry swallowed, kissing me once more while his fingers trailed down the shivering skin of my arms. "I know."

My stomach wrenched in the midst of the ebbing waves of heat retreating within me. Embry let one arm stay wrapped around my shaky frame, his head falling against the back of the couch. His features were a million times more relaxed than they had been minutes ago, when I first found him outside my door. He looked oddly at peace, like the intimacy we shared instilled in him some semblance of sanity and put back one single piece, allowing him the balance he'd lost somewhere before his feet brought him to me.

He turned his head, his other arm reaching out to pull a cotton throw blanket off the back of the couch. With a shake of his wrist, it unfolded next to him on the couch. The hand on me left its place and was replaced a moment later by the blanket as he wrapped it around my exposed and exhausted body. I gasped as he lifted me from him, reaching under one leg and pulling it across his lap as I nestled into his chest, the blanket now draped across both of us.

I wove my arms around his neck, leaning my forehead against his temple. "I'm so sorry." Another apology left my lips before I could stop it. "About earlier. Embry...I should have called, and I shouldn't have went...and I _screwed up_."

Embry turned his head, closing his eyes before pressing his forehead to mine, effectively silencing me. "Bella..." The word came straight from the source of every emotion I'd seen on his face earlier. "I can't keep fighting this back...and I can't keep fighting _him_."

Blinking wildly to suppress a sudden wave of tears that materialized, caused by the tone of his voice – the pain in it – I brought one hand up and trailed my fingers along his jaw. "What happened?" I murmured, feeling one scorching tear slip from the corner of my eye.

Embry pulled back, his eyes falling to his lap as he shook his head slightly, indicating he didn't want to talk about it. My fingers clasped at his neck as I turned my face, pressing a kiss to his shoulder. "Embry...tell me what I need to do."

Embry's eyes were still closed as he shook his head. "You know I can't. I've told you that before," he replied, swallowing thickly as he tried to catch his breath. " _You_ are the only one that knows what you need, what you want...what's good enough for you."

Leaning forward, I draped my trembling arms back around Embry's neck, pressing my lips to his cheek. "I need _you_ ," I breathed against his skin. "It's just..."

"That's how you feel about him, too."

Embry's hot breath danced across my ear. I turned my head, burying my nose in his shoulder, inhaling the sweetness of his scent as my fingers twisted through the ends of his hair. "I don't know...it's just...he's here now and he's saying things and he's making me remember what it _feels_ like to need him, too. But there's you and I can't forget about that. I can't forget about _this_...and I don't want to."

"No one's asking you to forget about anything," Embry whispered into my hair. "And there's different kinds of need, Bella. That's what you gotta remember."

Embry's pointed words were enough to send a shiver through my body. I couldn't imagine giving him up, not now. Not after everything we'd been through together. The thought of it was enough to make my stomach churn.

Reminding myself to breathe, I inhaled deeply as I leaned my head against my arm. "What do you mean?"

He let out a long, languid sigh before tightening his hold on me. "Think about it...what you needed then and what you need now. But really, when it comes down to it, Bella, you don't really _need_ anyone."

An ironic laugh tumbled past my lips, followed by a sniffle as I reached up and swiped a tear from the corner of my eye. "How can you say that? Look at what I'm doing now...to both of you. I can't let go of this, but I don't know how to _keep_ it like this because _he_ won't leave me _be_." My fingers clawed at my chest as the words left my mouth. "And I don't know how to keep him _out_."

Embry's eyebrows furrowed, his words catching in his throat before he took a deep breath, pushing them down before trying again. "You're _allowed_ that much, Bella. You're allowed to second guess yourself. You wouldn't be human if you didn't," Embry reassured, his hands ghosting up the length of my back, the heat from them soaking through the blanket. "But it's like I told you once before – it's the choices you make that matter, and not everyone is gonna make it out of this okay. You have to know that."

My fingers curled inherently into his neck, holding on just a little tighter, _knowing_ someone was going to get hurt no matter what I did. God, I didn't want to hurt him. I'd done too much of it already. And even though he hurt me, more than any one person possibly could, a part of me couldn't bear the possibility of hurting Jacob either.

"But that's the thing," Embry whispered into my hair. "You gotta make that call. You gotta figure out what you need. We'll live. And so will you."

The silence was thick and tangible as it finally swallowed Embry's words. We both sat there, perfectly still, the sound of Embry's heartbeat thumping beneath my ears. I closed my eyes, willing back the gigantic lump in my throat, formed by the knowledge that after this, I knew there'd be no going back to the way things were.

Not until I figured out where I was supposed to be.

Not until I decided what it was I needed.

And even then, there was no guarantee.

Embry's breathing faltered before he inhaled slowly, steadily. "You can do this, Bella," he spoke, breaking the silence. "You wanna know _how_ I know?"

His voice was too confident, too assured, and despite everything, I couldn't help the smile tugging at my lips. "How?"

He pulled back then, his body shifting beneath me as one hand traveled to my face. "For the same reasons I love you as much as I do." His eyes were wide and insistent, something inside me resonating as I remembered an earlier, silent wish I made to myself. "Because you're strong. Because even despite what you think, you're one of the bravest people I know."

Even though I knew it, even though I knew how much I'd changed since Jacob left, in that moment, it was hard to pinpoint. It was hard to believe. Sitting there, my body pressed greedily against Embry's, as I soaked up the words he was offering, I remembered how easy it had been to slip when those memories were in front of me. When it was _Jacob_ in front of me.

I remembered how easy it had been to fall for the same lines, the same smile, and the same tactics that always worked on the person I used to be.

 _Used_ to be.

"This life? This person you are today, Bella? The person who stands on her own without anyone else's help? You did that. No one else. And even if you do screw up from time to time, I'm still so fucking proud of you for it," Embry confessed quietly, but with enough conviction I found my body instinctively leaning toward him.

Embry took a deep breath before he pressed on, "And I love you because for the first time in my life, you gave me something to fight for. A _real_ family. That's what I fight for. I fight for you, Bella. _This_ Bella." His gaze traveled down, his palm pressed gently against my chest as he leaned toward me, his eyes fluttering closed as his mouth brushed against mine. "Not the one I met two years ago. This one. The one I fell in love with. The one who fell in love with me."

He kissed me then, softly, like a habit. Like it was something we always did and something he knew we'd do again. He pulled away too soon, leaning his forehead against mine.

" _That's_ the Bella I know," he whispered against my lips. "The one who keeps going, even when shit seems impossible. _She's_ the person I live for."

He took a deep, ragged breath before pushing out the last few words he needed to say.

"Forever. No matter what you decide to do."


	32. What If

_**Suggested Listening: "Now The One You Once Loved is Leaving" by Lydia, "The Darkness" by Amos Lee, "Around the Bend" by Greg Laswell, "Be Here Now" by Ray LaMontagne, "The Way It Ends" by Landon Pigg** _

**JACOB POV**

Pictures lay scattered across the floor, haphazardly covering one another amidst odds and ends spilling from dusty boxes, touched over the years by nothing but time.

I sat in the middle of the mess, legs crossed under me, palms gripping my knees. I didn't move. Not a single muscle twitched as I took in all my dad's things laid out before me, garbage bags and boxes flanking either side. No amount of arguing with Rachel could persuade her to let this wait another day. I tried, but she walked away without a word. A silent refusal. Something she was giving me a lot the past couple days.

Pulling my knees to my chest, I scrubbed my palms roughly across my face, trying like hell to clear my head. Trying to get rid of everything that was muddying my brain from the past several days. Bella in my kitchen. The kiss. The look on her face when she pulled away. An expression of fond remembrance, tainted with hints of sheer pain.

Pain and _regret_.

But still I hoped. I ignored it. Even when she pushed her way past me and out the door, I told myself it would be enough. I told myself I was so close to getting my life and my family back. To getting her back and everything I gave up when I left.

I couldn't walk away. I couldn't let this go again.

I told myself I had to fight. I just fucking had to.

Yet every step closer I made toward Bella put that much more distance between me and everything else. I could _feel_ the space. I could see the pack retreating, pulling away from me, both human and beast. I could sense their hesitation, their withdrawal. They were there but they _weren't_.

And the more I did, the less I recognized the battles I was waging in my attempt to win the war. The less I recognized the words coming out of my mouth.

The less I recognized myself.

And the _more_ I felt the need to hang on to _her_.

It became all too clear just how far I would go – exactly _how_ I would fight – when the biggest threat, the reason I could feel her slipping through my fingers anyway, was standing right in front of me. When he was telling me I didn't know her. When he was telling me she changed.

When he was pleading with me to walk away.

Again.

Still, I fought.

_Jesus, the words I said to him._

A shudder snaked its way up my spine as I remembered, my gut twisting the second each one filtered through the haze. I didn't recognize the voice that spoke them. I didn't understand the bitterness embedded in my tone. I couldn't comprehend why I went that far. Why I twisted my words into a lethal weapon, aimed at someone who'd been my best friend my entire life despite the fact I suddenly and only viewed him as one thing.

The enemy.

I swallowed thickly, remembering how I walked out to the porch once Embry left. Fuck, the disappointment in Quil's eyes – the devastation seeping off him as his shoulders slumped and he looked at me like I was a fucking stranger. It rocked me from the inside out. It hit swift and hard, mostly because deep down I knew.

I could feel it, even in that moment. Just like I could now. The reminders – the words of others – rooted deep within me. Beneath the desperation and the urgency. Beneath the regret and the frenzied need for absolution.

The realization that in that second – once those words left my mouth – I no longer knew _what_ the hell I was fighting for.

"You started yet?"

Pulling my hands from my face, my eyes snapped to the doorway to see Rachel watching me warily. "Nope," I murmured, my legs stretching out in front of me. "Except that box over there." I tipped my head toward the one cardboard container filled with clothing.

She nodded, her gaze pulled to the floor as she approached where I was sitting. With a heavy sigh, she dropped to her knees.

Crossing my legs back under me, I caught Rachel's eye. She offered me a halfhearted smile when she realized I was watching her. "Rach, I told you – we don't have to do this today."

"Yeah, we do." She nodded pointedly, her tone trying to convince herself more than me as she leaned to her right and pulled the filled box across the floor. "What are we gonna do with all this stuff? I mean, seriously – all his clothes? There's no reason to keep any of it."

I ignored the dull ache in my chest, nodding as my gaze once again swept over everything on the floor. "So what do you think? All the clothes in boxes to go down to the rez secondhand store?"

With a sniffle, Rachel nodded, yet she refused to look at me as she pulled a ratty, old flannel shirt off the top of the pile. Holding it with both hands, I couldn't help but watch her as she just stared at it. Several long moments passed before her fingers tightened around the fabric, her eyes closing as she drew in a sharp breath.

Pulling one leg up, I leaned on it, reaching out and squeezing Rachel's arm. "You alright, sis?" I whispered.

She nodded briskly, bringing the shirt to her face, trying to hide the fact she used it to sweep away a tear before letting her hands fall to her lap. "Yeah, it's fine. It's just...it comes and goes, you know? Waves of it."

"I don't think that'll ever go away," I offered honestly.

"I know, it's just I always think...what if I woulda stayed? What if I woulda stuck around, you know? Been here more, like I probably should have." Rachel pulled her bottom lip between her teeth as she painstakingly placed the shirt back in the box. "I just hope he knew how much I loved him. How much it sucked to for me to be here before, but how much I missed him...every god damn day."

Swallowing thickly, I nodded as I let my eyes fall to the floorboards. "He knew, Rach."

She chuckled. "I'm sure he did, it's just...hard sometimes. Thinking about the what-ifs."

_What-ifs._

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath to quell the sudden throbbing in my chest.

"You gonna be okay?"

Rachel nodded, peering at me from beneath her eyelashes and giving me a curt nod. "I'm fine," she responded swiftly. "It's easier than it was when I first came home. The guilt. But that's how I chose to deal with my problems...I left. I kinda still wonder if it was the right one, but it doesn't matter now. So...I guess I gotta live with the consequences."

The throbbing tightened with a vicious intensity.

"Ugh, this is a probably a really dumb idea right now, but I'm gonna start sorting through some of these photos."

Beside me, Rachel rocked forward on her knees, bending over the floor as she started collecting the photos laid out into one neat pile. "Where the hell did you find all these?"

Shaking my head in an effort to clear it, I made my way to the closet, pulling out another laundry basket full of clean, folded clothes. "Found them up on the shelf in here," I muttered, picking up the basket with ease before placing it next to where I'd been sitting.

At this point, Rachel was thumbing through the pictures when I collapsed back onto the floor. She allowed her eyes to scan them, refusing to linger too long on any particular one.

"Holy shit, some of these are old!"

With wide eyes, Rachel took one photo between her thumb and index finger, flipping it around so I could see it. Looking closer, I automatically recognized the photo of two girls, matching ebony pigtails complete with pink bows. Both had backpacks strapped to their back, offering cheesy smiles to the photographer. The one on the left was missing a front tooth.

I chuckled. "Guess that explains the snaggle tooth."

Rachel scoffed, flipping the photo back around to look at it again. "What the fuck ever. You were still chewing on the table legs and eating Mom's laundry soap at this point."

A smile tugged at my mouth and I let it loose before I thought too hard about it.

"We should keep these," Rachel murmured indefinitely. "I've got some old albums from high school I don't need anymore. I can toss the photos out and put these in."

"Yeah," I agreed quietly. "There's probably a lot of good memories in there. Ones we shouldn't give away."

"You're right, although I could definitely forget about this fucking haircut Mom gave me..."

Shaking my head, I rocked on one hip and grasped the black garbage bag between my fingers, pulling it closer as Rachel sifted through the yellowing pictures. I grabbed a handful of clothes from the laundry basket before depositing them in the bag.

"Jake, check this one out!"

Shooting my sister a glance over my shoulder, I noticed the lines creasing Rachel's face had disappeared and her mouth was curled into a bewildered smile. Her hands stilled, eyes shifting over the photo still resting between her fingers.

Frowning, I braced myself against the floor and scooted my body next to hers, leaning in to see what she was looking at.

Rachel's index finger appeared in the middle of the photo. "It's Mom."

The photo had a group of people in it, all adults. Squinting, I scrutinized it, gaze sweeping over the numerous faces in it. The group appeared to be outside, trees lining the background of the picture. I lingered awhile on the person Rachel pointed to, my heart thumping in my chest when I instantly recognized the warm, familiar face of my mother. A smile not even nine years could erase.

"And Dad," Rachel murmured, her finger traveling to the tall, bulky man standing next to our mother. It was definitely our father, his ebony hair well past his collarbone and modest grin more than enough to give him away.

"Who are all these other people?" I asked quietly, reaching up to point to the additional faces in the picture. "I feel like I should know them..."

"I don't know." Rachel shook her head, frowning as she leaned closer to the photo. "No, wait...that's Grandpa and Grandma Wilde. And Old Quil there in the back next to the others." Rachel's finger landed on the last older couple in the photo. "And Grandpa and Grandma Black. Do you remember them?" She threw a quick glance at me.

"Barely," I replied, shaking my head. "Are you sure it's them?"

"I'm positive!" Rachel exclaimed. "Look how much Grandpa Black looked like Dad just before he left, and Grandma Black? I remember her perfectly, but I was so young when she died. You weren't even born yet, Jake." Rachel took a deep breath, releasing it in a sigh as she softly shook her head. "And that?" She pointed at something else on the photo, and I craned my neck to see what her finger was covering. "I _remember_ that necklace. I always used to ask her if I could wear it, but she'd never let me. She told me only big girls could wear it."

Rachel let a nostalgic laugh leave her throat, removing her finger and leaning over the photo to examine it more carefully. "We should keep this one out. Have it framed or something," she mentioned, the tone of her voice indicating she already made up her mind.

I nodded, planting my hand on the floor and swiftly pushing myself back to my feet. "There's a little camera shop in Forks that restores old photos, you know. You could probably take it there. They might even frame it for you, too."

"Yeah..."

Rachel's voice was distant. Preoccupied. Like she was acknowledging me without really hearing a word I said. Straightening from where I stooped to pick up the garbage bag, I let out a resigned breath. "Rach?"

"Jacob...come look at this photo again for me."

Dropping the garbage bag on the bed, I let my hands fall to my sides. "Why?"

Rachel was scowling by the time I looked at her. "Just...come the fuck here and look at it."

Giving up, I crossed the short distance between us, bending down once again to look at the photo in her hands. I noticed her face before I did. It was pale. Unsure. Confused.

My mouth pulling down in a frown, I let my eyes flick back to the picture. "What? What am I looking at?"

Her index finger moved, pointing to the exact spot she had before I stood. "The necklace. Jake...does it look familiar to you?"

I shrugged, even though I leaned closer, studying the almost microscopic piece of jewelry adorning the woman in the photo. "Should it?"

" _Look_ at it, Jake," Rachel pressed, her body rocking forward with her urgency. "The chain, where it rests, the shape of the pendant...you can't tell me we haven't seen that before."

I searched the corners of my brain, trying to sort through everything else floating around in it, trying to grasp on to any significant memory Rachel could be referring to. I couldn't find anything though, and even as I studied everything she asked me recognize it just wasn't coming.

"Rach, I don't know," I admitted, peering at her over the photo.

Rachel sighed, the exhale ragged like she was fighting something inside herself. Like she was arguing with her own mind.

Like she was trying to disprove a theory she wasn't giving me direct access to.

"Jake," she repeated tentatively. "It looks _just_ _like_ Bella's necklace."

Jerking, I turned my head back to the photo. As I looked closer, pieces of memories came floating back one by one. A little purple gem attached to a silver chain, always resting around her neck. The way the gem landed just above Bella's breasts. How she fiddled with it when she was nervous. When she was upset about something.

I remembered now. It was a minor detail, a new part of Bella I never asked her about. A change I didn't think I needed to catalog because I didn't think it mattered.

Also, a larger part of me didn't want to know where the pendant came from.

_Where it came from._

The words floated to the top, squeezing the blood from my face and breath from my lungs. Gaping, I stared at that part of the photo even harder, just like Rachel had. Trying to disprove. Trying to reassure myself there was no way the necklace could have came from the person I thought it did.

Not when it was here in this photo. Resting around _my_ grandmother's neck.

My stomach wrenched and I stumbled forward, releasing my grip on the photo. I swallowed back bile, one hand clawing at the shirt covering my stomach. The fucking heat ripped through me faster than I could contain it, and I thought for a split second I was going to phase in the middle of my father's bedroom.

"Jake? Jacob!" Rachel's voice, tinted with fear and worry, was distant as she tried to talk me back.

I sucked in a deep breath. I pushed away her voice, keeping the calm from the lungful of air inside me, my stare focusing on the bedroom door.

Outside.

I had to move.

I needed to know.

Now.

* * *

**BELLA POV**

"So...are we actually gonna stop and do something today, Swan, or you just gonna go all Driving Miss Daisy on my ass?"

My fingers tightened around the steering wheel in response to Leah's gruff words from the passenger seat next to me. I could feel her gaping holes through me, but I didn't look at her. I didn't answer. Instead, I just drove.

Somehow, I'd lost track of the hours. I was simply driving, no destination in mind, wasting gas and time to get myself out of the house.

To get myself out of my own head.

I drove circles around Forks, somewhere along the way, winding up in La Push. The familiar roads leading me there blurred together, and I never realized where I was going until I got there. Until I passed a little red house. Until I kept going, my eyes instinctively turning down a driveway leading to another house. A small brown one, a Ford Ranger sitting in the driveway.

Heart lurching toward where my eyes were focused, my foot left the accelerator for a moment before I reminded myself not to turn into it. Reminding myself to keep driving and not hit the brakes.

Not yet.

So I drove to Leah's instead. I let myself stop there, moments from two nights ago cycling through my head. Echoing through my brain long after Leah peeked her head out the door, watching me intently, not sure why I was sitting in front of her house but knowing all the same. Scratching away even as she quietly slipped out of the house, silently making her way across the lawn before climbing into the car with a raised eyebrow and a quick acknowledgment.

_There are different kinds of need, Bella._

_What you needed then and what you need now._

The parallels of this moment, held up against the ones from two months earlier where I found myself in a similar position, made me sick to my stomach. I wanted to scream. I wanted to pound on the steering wheel and swear a blue streak at the unknown force that brought me to this spot _again._

_You're allowed to second guess yourself._

_You wouldn't be human if you didn't._

His voice was everywhere, like it always was when I needed it most. Reassuring. Encouraging. It made me even angrier with myself. I thought I'd overcome this. I thought I'd put the fear behind me, but still I found myself here, facing yet another choice. The _same_ choice I made then. A choice between what I knew and what I once did. A choice between past and present. A choice between definites and what-ifs.

A choice I swear to god I already made.

"Okay, well...you figure out what you're gonna do yet?" Leah asked pointedly, snapping my attention back to the present. Several minutes had passed while I was lost in my thoughts.

Taking a deep breath, I held tight to the steering wheel, focusing my eyes on the road in front of me. "I know what I want," I whispered, "but I don't know how it can happen."

"Okay, can you just not speak in tongues and tell me what the fuck that means?"

Pressing my lips together, I blinked while trying to collect my thoughts. "I want things to be like they _were.._.when Jake was gone. I put him behind me. I moved on, Leah, but then he came back, and I can't stop asking myself why...and he won't stop reminding me."

"So let me get this straight for the sake of clarity," Leah questioned pointedly, reaching forward and twisting the volume knob on the car's radio completely down. "Are you telling me you wish Jacob never came back?"

"No!" I exclaimed, tearing my eyes from the windshield and gaping at her. "Of course that's not what I'm saying..."

"Sure sounds like it..."

"Leah," I cut her off abruptly. "If he wasn't meant to be a part of my life, why _did_ he come back? Why didn't he just stay away and let me live the life I found when he left?"

Leah scoffed, shaking her head and releasing a frustrated chuckle as she leaned against the window. "Because that would be too easy, and nothing in your life is ever easy, Swan. At least not when you have a say in it."

"Thanks," I spit out sarcastically. "Glad to know you find this amusing."

"Just being honest."

I didn't have the energy to argue with her. Not because I thought she was wrong. Because I knew how ridiculous I sounded.

But it didn't matter. The absurdity of my thoughts matched the irony in Leah's words.

"I don't get why this is happening, Leah," I murmured dejectedly. "I was _happy_. Why does he still have to want me? Why can't he just let me be?"

Leah's heavy sigh pierced through the short distance between us. "The fact you're sitting here saying this to me should speak volumes."

Leah's words elicited a shiver, slowly working its way through my body before I squeezed my eyes shut for a split second, pulling in a deep breath through my nostrils.

"It's not that simple."

"It _is_ that fucking simple!" Leah exclaimed, throwing her hands up in exasperation. I winced, glancing at her out of the corner of my eye. " _You_ don't want _him_ anymore. And you know what? That's okay. Jacob has no fucking clue what he needs or wants at this point, and the fact you believe he does just blows my mind."

"What are you talking about?"

"Embry didn't tell you what happened the other night after Paul took you home, did he?"

Frowning, I shook my head. "No."

Leah snorted, turning her head so I could see nothing but the back of it. "Figures. He's such a fucking martyr. Seriously." She sighed, her hot breath instantly fogging up a small circle on the window. "But I guess I understand why he didn't..."

"Why?" The word tumbled from my lips before I could think about holding it in.

This time, Leah turned back toward me. "Because for whatever reason, he thinks you've got a straight enough head now to figure this shit out on your own. Without the low blows. Without everyone telling you what to do or how to feel." She eyed me warily before letting her gaze fall back to her lap. "He's right, you know."

My head rocked back, closing my eyes and letting out a frustrated groan. "You guys keep saying that."

"And how many more of us _need_ to before you figure out we're on to something?" Leah snapped back, looking at me once again. She let her gaze linger before taking a sharp breath. "Okay, let's try this a different way...Do you remember the person you were with Jacob?"

"What do you mean?" I replied, shooting her an inquisitive look.

"When you first realized you loved Jake, how would you describe yourself? How you felt about him?" Leah pressed on, spreading the fingers of one hand across her forehead and rubbing gentle circles in the skin. "You gotta say it out loud, Swan. You gotta pull it from your cluster fuck of a mind and say it out loud."

My mouth fell open, knowing there was no right answer to this question but still not entirely sure what Leah was getting at. "I don't know...I guess...I was broken. I was a mess, and Jacob put me back together. He was my sun...and days were just... _harder_ without him. I couldn't _breathe_ without him." My chest tightened, the memories from so long ago floating to the front of my mind. "He completed me."

_What you needed then._

"As poetic as that was, that's good," Leah murmured. "How about after he left?"

I blinked, my mouth still open, the words waiting to come out. "I mean...it was hard not having him there. You know, Leah...you saw it. But...I kept moving because I had to, and eventually it got better. Eventually _I_ got better...and I learned to breathe without him."

"And how did that make you feel?"

I swallowed.

_You can do this, Bella._

_You wanna know how I know?_

"Stronger," I whispered.

"You might just get this yet, Swan," Leah chuckled as I robotically flicked on my turn signal, swinging the Mustang into the short driveway leading to the Clearwater house. "So then what happened?"

As my foot pushed on the brake and the car came to a stop, I felt a smile pulling at the corner of my lips.

"Embry."

_What you need now._

Leah's hand moved to the door handle, pausing before she pulled it toward her. "Alright...first question again, only this time based on what you just said."

I was sitting completely still now, my fingers intertwining in my lap, my focus diverting to the hint of cool metal on my collarbone. I resisted the urge to reach up, to touch it. "I love him...because I just _do_. I can't really explain it. He took what I built and made it better."

_I fight for you, Bella. This Bella. Not the one I met two years ago._

_This one._

Leah shook her head, despite the fact I could see the light in her eyes. The pride directed toward what I just said. "Jesus, have a little faith in yourself, Bella – in your fucking decisions. Back in the day, you were this mopey, indecisive little leech lover who was happier when others made her decisions for her. Well, that's not going to happen this time. One, because you're not a leech lover anymore...thank god...and two, I'm pretty sure you already made your choice long before Jake came home. And I'm also pretty sure you just outlined for me why it's the right one."

_When it comes down to it, you don't really need anyone._

Leah swung the door open before she pressed on. "Fuck what you think you need, Bella. And fuck what you think is right. Seriously. What do you _want_?" Her eyes widened, imploring me to listen as she spoke. "After everything you just told me, that's really how it should be."

With that, Leah did what she could to relax her face into a small smile. She winked at me, her tall, lean frame unfolding as she stepped from the car, slamming the door and leaving me in silence.

I watched her go. Once Leah disappeared into her house, I sat there for several more moments, instinctively replaying our conversation in my head even as my fingers curled around the shifter and I heedlessly backed my car from the driveway.

_Fuck what you think you need, Bella._

_What do you want?_

Pulling out onto the main road, I took a deep, ragged breath. When it came right down to it, I knew what I wanted.

I wanted Embry.

I wanted everything we had. I wanted his fingers curled around mine, his lips pressed against my hair. I wanted to feel his hand unconsciously on my back and that half-smile that set my heart on fire whenever I saw it. I wanted him _beside me_ , where he'd always been, and I wanted the moments where it was him and I, the entire world knowing but stepping back to simply let us _be_.

I wanted everything about him, and I wanted to give him even more in return.

But god, I wished I believed Leah when she told me it was that simple. Because I couldn't convince myself it was.

I couldn't give him everything. Not like this. Not when Jacob's insistent presence and unforgiving reminders of how things used to be were working so hard to take back a portion of the heart I'd already handed over to Embry. I could feel the ease of it, slipping under the gravity of the what-ifs.

What if Jacob kept pushing? What if I continued to slip? What if I could never be everything Embry needed?

What if one day Jacob caused that last piece of resolve to crumble?

_What if it meant Embry and I were never meant to be in the first place?_

The thought alone made my stomach twist into sickening knots as I drove, my heart pounding at the words and how much it cheapened every intimate touch, every whispered word, every promise I'd tucked away inside me, keeping them all safe.

The thought of those becoming a memory – becoming a chapter of my past – was almost too much to bear.

I reached up, swiftly brushing tears from my eyes in order to clearly see the road. I hadn't even realized I pulled onto a worn side path, just wide enough to fit one vehicle. The car lurched as I gripped the steering wheel with both hands, feeling every bump in the unmaintained road beneath the Mustang.

Bringing the car to a stop, I rubbed my eyes with the back of my fingers. Scanning the landscape, I realized almost instantly where I had taken myself.

Back to the start. Back to when this all began.

Back to when my path split into two, before I even realized it had.

I could have left the small burial ground, but I didn't, throwing my car into park at the end of the rugged path. The car motor hummed somewhere off in the distance, and I lost count of the minutes as I sat there, letting my eyes drift shut as I remembered this place. I could still feel the cold rain pelting at my skin, the mud pushing up between my bare toes. I could still hear the chants, the robust beating of drums. I could still see the pack circled around a wooden casket, lowering it to the ground. Marking the end of one life and the beginning of another. A new one.

Mine.

I found myself opening the car door, unwittingly stepping out of it, the damp air outside surrounding me. My feet moved until I veered off the rutted path into the decaying grass. Toward the same spot where five months earlier we laid Billy Black to rest.

My chest tightened, knowing I wasn't supposed to be there but allowing my legs to carry me forward anyway.

I didn't know what I would find here. I didn't know why I came, and I wasn't sure what I was looking for. Maybe it was closure. Or perhaps answers.

Maybe it was a clarity I so desperately needed.

Regardless, my pace slowed as my feet pushed into the moist dirt, cautiously tipping my head to one side as I silently approached the unmarked grave. My forehead creased in confusion, each step bringing me closer to a shadow, a form against the browning earth.

I swallowed thickly, my heart thumping against my chest, my eyes confirming I wasn't alone.

The small silhouette was knelt over the same grave I was walking toward, and my steps almost ceased completely as I closed the distance between us. It took only a heartbeat to realize it was indeed a person. I held my breath as the figure moved, frame unfolding as they stood to their feet, still facing the overgrown earth with heavy, burdened shoulders.

My mouth fell open as the person's shoulders rose, as they turned to face me, a sorrow-filled gaze meeting mine the moment we were face to face.

In that moment, my breath left me completely.

In that moment, I _knew_.

And words meant nothing. They meant nothing because of where this person stood in this moment. Because of the secrets buried in those deep brown eyes. One moment of searching them – eyes I knew better than myself, even on someone else – caused every avoided conversation, every insinuation, and every question between a pack who never demanded answers to fall gutwrenchingly into place.

"Hello, Bella."

Tiffany Call was just as beautiful as I remembered her to be the day I met her outside Embry's home. This time though her long ebony hair fell loose around her shoulders, and her eyes bore an aged heaviness I couldn't even begin to comprehend.

I listened frantically for my own heartbeat, struggling to take a breath through parted lips. I managed to shake my head slightly, swallowing past the thick knot in my throat.

"What are you doing here?"

Embry's mother tightened her long, knit wrap around her body. Russet skin stretched over high cheekbones as she offered me a small, resigned smile before taking a step away from where she stood. "I could ask you the same thing. These grounds are sacred, Bella. You shouldn't be here either."

I blinked, my own battles momentarily forgotten and swept away on the cool wind as I stood there, limbs frozen, her stoic stare piercing through me. "Then why are _you_?" I whispered, unsure whether or not she could hear me.

She let the question settle between us, her eyes never leaving mine. "To pay my respects."

My mouth was dry, words continuing to surface, as well as flashes of the pained woman before she turned to face me. Remembering the woman kneeling submissively before a grave, before she realized she was no longer alone.

"How often do you come here to do that?"

Tiffany's jaw twitched despite her stony expression. "As often as I can."

A visceral shudder tore through my body, my fingers curling into my jacket-covered arms. "Is that the only reason?" I said quietly, pulling my bottom lip between my teeth to keep it from quivering.

"You ask a lot of personal questions, Bella."

"But you're the one here." The words spilled from my mouth before I could stop them. I sucked in a sharp, labored breath. "Why? Why would you be here? If someone saw you? Why would you risk something like that?" They were questions never asked, but standing here – watching Embry's mother at the foot of Billy Black's grave – brought forward every single word swept under the rug for the better part of two decades.

Tiffany stepped forward, crossing her arms in front of her chest, peering at me under jet-black eyelashes as she continued to approach my unyielding frame. "Privacy is an admirable thing, Bella. I suggest you respect it." She raised one eyebrow – a familiar gesture, bringing with it one name – causing my heart to try to claw its way up my throat.

"I don't owe you any explanations," she pressed on steadfastly, pausing next to me for one moment before continuing her steps, disappearing from my view. "You are not a part of this tribe, nor are you a part of my family."

"What about Embry?"

My voice was shrill, heart stuttering as I turned on my heel, calling after her retreating form. Her footsteps stopped, despite the fact her back was still turned toward me.

" _He's_ who I care about, and he's your family. Don't you owe _him_ an explanation?" The pitch of my voice rose with panic, and I barely recognized the accusatory tone I was using. Regardless, I couldn't fight through the gnawing anxiety in the pit of my stomach. This knowledge of seeing her here – wondering why it was me who found her – ricocheting off my insides.

"Shouldn't he know you're here? Or better yet, why you're here?"

There was a long moment of silence, but she did not move. "You make assumptions you know nothing out, Bella." Her back was still turned to me, but every single word made its way across the space separating us.

An unfamiliar heat – a fierce protectiveness – chipped away at the anxiety, replacing it as I planted my feet on the ground, my fingers curling into my palms. "Tell me I'm wrong," I demanded.

This time, she turned back to face me. Slowly. Arduously. Like she was prolonging the inevitable. When I could once again see her face, her eyes were closed, shoulders rising and falling with a heavy breath.

"Bella..."

"Tell me I'm wrong," I repeated, lips parting in dismay.

This time, she sighed but allowed her eyes to open. They were defeated. Done battling a better sense I couldn't see. Pleading for forgiveness before she even opened her mouth to speak.

They punched a hole straight through my chest, suffering for someone who wasn't here to do it himself.

Beneath me, legs were ready to fail. Trembling fingers drifted to my chest, clawing at it in an attempt to relieve the pressure. This wasn't the closure I'd come looking for. These weren't the answers I wanted. Yet memories resonated within me. The day Billy died. Kind eyes lingering a little too long on his son's best friend from the head of the table, paying no mind to the meal in front of him.

And the same voice, breathing new life into words from a night so long ago, in a garage just a short distance down the road.

_Billy may not have been my real father, but when he left, I lost the closest thing I had to one._

_I lost my family – the only one I've ever know._

And even though I knew it was too late – even though I knew there was nothing to be changed, nothing that could have been done differently – it was still the only thing that mattered.

"Please tell me," I murmured. "Say it...please."

Tiffany didn't move, but her face betrayed her yet again before she slowly pulled them away. I could feel the crack forming on my heart the moment she opened her mouth, the second her lips began to form the words.

"Embry is Billy Black's son, Bella."

The fissure spread like a canyon opening beneath my feet, although not breaking for myself. The protectiveness washed away in a swift wave and was replaced by a crippling anguish I'd never felt before. Hand inherently flying to my chest, my stomach lurched, eliciting a strangled gasp from my throat. White-hot tears pricked the corners of my eyes as I silently pleaded with her to look at me, to let me see hers, knowing they would hide absolutely nothing. That way I would know for sure. As if the words weren't enough.

And she did look at me. My arms curled around my midsection, closing my eyes at the searing sadness in them, forcing myself to breathe. Forcing back the urge to expel the contents of my stomach exactly where I stood.

"How could you?" I choked out, feeling the first tear torturously crawl down my cheek. "How could you keep this from him?"

Tiffany pursed her lips, but held my gaze before taking a step forward, her face softening as she registered my reaction. "You love my son, Bella. I know you do," she replied, raising her eyebrows insistently. "It goes without saying that I love him too. And while most days I regret never telling him the truth, you must know there's a story behind everything. Every choice we make, Bella, _every_ path we choose – there's a reason behind it."

"He deserved better than this," I choked, turning my face from her as she took two more steps toward me.

"You're right, Bella. He does. I've told myself that every moment since the day he was born." Now only several inches separated us, and I could smell the rich scent of amber permeating the small space between us. "He deserves _everything_ , including the family his father could never give him."

I crumbled to pieces on the inside listening to her speak, listening to the honest, destroying truths she was finally bringing to the surface. Words she quite possibly never spoke to anyone other than me. I didn't understand it. I didn't understand why she was doing it now – why she was saying them to me – when she could have turned and walked away, leaving me to wonder. Leaving the answer just out of reach, where it resided for all the years leading up to this moment.

"How...how can you say that? You didn't give him a choice..." I breathed, turning from her. My gaze fell on the unmarked grave at my feet, and I choked back a sob as it bubbled in my throat.

"That's what you don't understand, Bella. He never _had_ a choice. Why give him something to fight for if there's nothing to be gained?"

The words resonated somewhere else inside me and I reached up, brushing salty tears from my cheeks. Closing my eyes, I finally allowed the weakness to overcome me completely, sinking to the ground on my knees, my fingertips brushing dirt.

I heard the muted movement of feet behind me. "Jacob is home, no?"

Through everything, I managed to nod, biting down on my lip to keep it from trembling. A moment later, it registered, remembering _everyone_ this revelation would affect. My chest throbbed, and I had to keep myself from bending forward, determinedly planting my hand on the ground.

"Does he know?" I whispered.

"No." Suddenly, Tiffany was beside me, also on her knees. She rocked back and forth on her legs, again pulling her wrap tighter around her. She looked at me hesitatingly, yet her eyes were full of care. The same reassurance I was used to.

The throbbing ebbed just slightly, and I pulled in a deep breath as I forced myself to look at her. She was still watching me patiently. "Can I tell you a story, Bella?"

I licked my lips, tasting the saltiness of tears on them, before nodding robotically.

Beside me, Tiffany took a deep breath. "What happened between Jacob's father and myself was never meant to be, Bella. From the beginning, it was nothing but an escape. When I came to La Push, I was running from a past I thought I couldn't shed. I had no family and nothing but memories of an abusive man who took what self-worth I had and tore it to shreds. When I met Billy, he was at his own end, struggling to be strong for Jacob's mother, who had trouble staying strong for her after Rachel and Rebecca were born. She was no longer herself. The depression gutted her and through no fault of her own was pushing away the man who loved her most."

A shiver fanned through my body, words from a past I had no right to permeating the tightness in my chest. Yet I couldn't tear my gaze from this woman's sullen face, years of history I indeed knew nothing about flashing through her ebony eyes.

"We found comfort in one another, and I make no excuses for what I did. It was wrong, but what started as an escape turned into something more for both of us. I loved him, Bella...more than I've ever loved another man. And he loved me."

This time, Tiffany took a deep breath, eyes closing inherently as she reached the crossroads in her story. "But then he found out Sarah was pregnant again."

_Jacob._

The knot reformed in my throat and I tried to swallow past it, holding my breath as I waited for her to continue.

"He said goodbye to me that day, Bella. It killed us both, but he loved his wife. He loved his _family_. He always did, and no matter how much he loved me, his family – the one he vowed to stand by and protect – was always the most important thing to him. He had a responsibility to them, and no matter how much it destroyed me, I couldn't fault him for it. I couldn't hate a man for doing what was right, for salvaging a promise he broke."

My heart pounded against my ribs, knowing there was more to this story. Knowing it wasn't over.

"Six weeks after we went our separate ways, I found out _I_ was pregnant." This time, Tiffany paused, closing her eyes as she took a deep, strengthening breath. An anxious chill spread through my veins, watching the aging scenes play over her expression. I was barely processing her words, years of memories resurfacing in my head. Questioning them.

"He came to me once after I told him, on the night Embry was born," she continued. "My fear for my son, the desperation I felt was almost enough to make him change his mind, Bella, but he couldn't. I could have begged him, but it wouldn't have changed anything. He left again that day, but he promised Embry and I would never lack a thing. That even though he was walking away, we would always have a home in La Push. That our presence here would never be questioned. That Embry would know he had an entire tribe – another family – who cared about him."

I had lost track of the tears until one crept across my top lip. Sniffling, I reached up and brushed it from my mouth, my chest aching the same time Tiffany leaned toward me, placing one small hand on my knee.

"He loved me, Bella. He loved Embry, even before he was born, but he chose his family. He put them first. And while he may not have fought for us, he fought for the one he made a promise to. It was the most important thing to him, and to this day I cannot blame him for that decision."

I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye, my mind still reeling as she brushed her fingers across the denim covering my knee. She offered me a small smile, the pain fading from her eyes little by little as she brought herself back to the present. As she called on all the years and all the time that helped it ease.

But her eyes fell away from mine, dropping as the smile spread a little farther.

"But he left me something that night, something to solidify his promise. Something so I would know the time we spent was nothing less than something he cherished. So I would know just how much he cared for me." I felt her hand leave my knee, reaching up as it stretched toward me.

A moment later, her fingers clasped the little purple pendant resting on my chest.

The warmth of her hand, mixed with the familiar sensation of the necklace and where it rested on my body, stole every wisp of air from my lungs.

Embry's words once again floated through the debilitating haze in my mind.

_My mom gave me that pendant._

_It was given to her once, too._

_She told me it was important I hang onto it until I found a woman worthy of giving it to. One who would always know what it meant to her and would know that I'd always be there for her._

_And that no matter what, I'd always love her._

"Oh, god..."

The words left my mouth in a strangled gasp, my stomach flipping as the full weight – the full _importance_ – of the piece of jewelry I wore around my neck hit me like a brick to the chest.

I suddenly didn't feel deserving of it. I didn't feel worthy.

I felt like I'd failed Embry and what legacy Billy had tried to leave for him.

I felt like I'd broken every promise I'd ever made.

But as much as I could feel my insides coming apart, wanting to break down under the full weight of everything I learned, I couldn't, knowing how much it would change everything. I fought it back, taking a deep breath, trying like hell to hold the emotions together and keep myself from fraying at the ends.

Knowing I needed to be strong, and not for myself.

"Bella..." Tiffany's voice was tentative. "Are you okay, sweetheart?"

"Why didn't you tell him?" I whispered. "Why didn't you tell Embry after Jacob's mom died? After Rachel and Rebecca left? After Billy died? Why did you keep it a secret for so long?"

She shook her head. "By then, it didn't matter. I sincerely believe it would have caused more pain than the two of us already created."

"It _mattered_ ," I breathed. Any moment Embry could have had with his father – _knowing_ Billy was his father – would have been better than nothing at all.

Tiffany's steady gaze faltered before she nodded. "You're right, Bella. But I can't go back and change the past. I can't sit around wondering what if I had."

_What if._

Her eyes followed my hand as I reached up, tracing the outline of a silver chain cascading down my chest. "When Billy gave me that pendant, it was to keep a part of him with us. It belonged to his mother, and he wanted us to at least have one piece of the Black history – _their_ story – to keep with us forever. It was the last time he whispered any kind of love to me, and I made the decision years later to give it to Embry, so he could have that piece, telling him he should only give it the same way."

I couldn't help the soft sob that slipped through my lips, my heart overflowing and aching in the same breath. Remembering all the words that followed the first time Embry clasped the pendant around my throat, intertwining with the painful and true history of it. The bittersweet sadness of it was overwhelming and heartwrenching in one single moment.

Her comforting hand reappeared on my knee. "That's why I told you this. I see more than my son gives me credit for, and now that Jacob is home, I know how this story goes. Jacob is his father's son. He is tenacious, determined, and bullheaded on his worst days." She smiled slightly, before it fell painstakingly from her lips. "But I have been a woman in your shoes before, Bella, faced with a choice that while there _is_ a clear answer, it isn't necessarily easy to come by. Neither is the difference between what you want and need."

She took a deep breath. "But Embry gave that necklace to you, and it was by something bigger than a simple decision to place it around your neck. That's why I said what I said to you...there's a reason behind every path we take, Bella. And I couldn't tell you this without first telling you how it came to be. Things in our lives don't happen for no reason. The world works in the ways it was meant to. Billy chose to give that piece of his family to me, and Embry chose to give it to you. And you accepted it, knowing what it meant and knowing the importance it held to you and your life. It didn't have to be that way, but that's how it was."

Almost as if she was reading the thoughts behind the facade I was trying so hard to keep from crumbling, she continued, prodding the solidity I'd somehow managed to lose sight of along the way.

"People make choices, Bella. They leave us so we can figure out who we truly are. In my case, Billy gave me Embry. He gave me a purpose in life – someone to live for, despite the pain. Despite the shame in how it came to be. Our choice made me a better person – a stronger person – in the end."

I inhaled sharply, the breath shooting past the still-present lump in my throat. Regardless, I could feel the ache inside me dwindling, the unyielding and passionate confidence behind Tiffany's words penetrating the blinding haze I'd spent the day in. I blinked away the last of the tears, letting through a ray of something. A glimmer of realization.

A bit of my own restored belief, flashing by hand in hand with Leah's words from an earlier conversation. Joining the very same question I asked myself earlier that day.

_You already made your choice long before Jake came home._

Tiffany's voice was quiet and final as she spoke again. "Which is how _my_ faith in this life, as well as how it turned out, has never been difficult to come by. I found what I fight for, just like Billy did. And life makes no mistakes, Bella. We do, but life does not."

_Have faith in your decisions._

And in that moment, I understood.

I could feel the conviction behind her words, my own floating to the surface. The same conviction I held the day Jacob came home. A day I still felt so certain.

And I could see it. I could _see_ her words. I could see two roads carrying two lifetimes, one that diverged long before the other, somehow coming together over time to lead them both to this moment.

It all lined up. Embry's words. His mother's. Leah's. My own. Looking into the eyes of someone else whose life at been irrevocably altered by another's choice, I saw how it laid out a new road for the woman's future. I also saw how she trusted it, unfailingly and passionately. Without question and without worry of _what-ifs_.

I finally understood as the pieces fell into place, converging into one single path.

I finally understood the full weight of Jacob's choice. Of Embry's choice.

Of _my_ choice.

One I already made.

And no matter what I told myself, the choice was made long ago. It was made the day Jacob left. Before he changed everything. Before he changed me.

Before I changed _myself_.

And there had never been another choice to make.

Which was why I had to set aside what-ifs. Why I had to trust the choice I made and the love I felt coursing through me. Why I had to put away my fear and fight, even if I didn't know how.

Because I didn't need to know _how_ to fight.

I only needed to know whom I was fighting _for_.

Drying the tears one last time on my face, I turned my gaze toward Tiffany, knowing a new fight had begun, but one where I knew which side of the line I'd be on. Knowing who I'd be behind, no matter what he needed.

"Thank you for telling me," I murmured, allowing myself to give her a small, grateful smile.

The kind smile I received in return warmed and obliterated the last traces of nervous anxiety in my veins. "You're welcome, Bella."

She stood before I did, brushing off her pant legs as I followed, one last question lingering on the tip of my tongue. One that needed an answer, one I needed to know before I did anything else.

"I can't keep this from him," I ventured tentatively, eyes widening with sincerity. Tiffany's dark gaze snapped toward mine, and I saw the same resignation I saw just before she told me. "You have to tell him."

The smile she gave me, while hesitant, confirmed she agreed with me. Keeping her stare affixed to mine, she nodded. "I would never ask you to keep secrets from him, Bella. We can do it together." She turned her body slightly, letting her eyes fall as she brought one hand to my shoulder, squeezing it affectionately.

I turned easily, leaving whatever closure it was I needed behind me, having found my answers. Turning my back for the last time on a past that held no bearing on the steps I took from here.

Yet my breath left me all the same, eyes widening, heart ceasing to beat as my gaze leveled in front me.

As my eyes swept over Jacob's rigid, seething form, standing silently and stoically several feet behind us.

My mouth fell open and beside me, a soft gasp escaped Tiffany's body as she saw him, too.

Jacob's jaw was clenched, nostrils flaring, hands balled into fists at his sides. I took a step forward, holding one hand out pleadingly, only to have his searing stare focus directly on me. I stopped, but my hand stayed where it was. Willing him to calm down as I watched muscles contracting and retracting, increasing in frequency and intensity. Willing him to breathe before he phased right in front of us.

"Jacob, sweetheart..." The words next to me were soft as Tiffany took a step forward anyway.

Jacob's eyes snapped toward her, all reason within them lost.

My hand shot out, clamping onto her wrist, silently imploring her to stay where she was.

This time, his gaze fell to where our bodies connected. My heart was definitely beating, pounding frantically and loudly in my chest as Jacob took one step back, followed by another, his gaze refocusing on me as he pulled away.

I pled with him one last time, eyes beseeching. Begging him to stop before he did something out of anger.

Before he did something in response to every word I knew he heard.

But he looked away.

"Jacob, stop!" I called out, moving forward before I could think. My stomach wrenched when he allowed himself one more glance, his blazing eyes connecting directly with mine.

In that split second, I could see his rage. I could see the pain.

But there was something else there, swirling beneath the flames.

Regret.

"Jacob!"

But he was gone, his copper body twisting in the emerging twilight, my lungs barely able to suck in one last anxious breath before he disappeared into the trees. Looking down, several moments passed before I pulled my hand back into my side, fingers quaking, a familiar burn materializing in my chest.

Which exploded into a fiery urgency the second I heard a distant chorus of howls, one after another, until several joined in. My eyes snapped toward the sky just above the trees. The tone was low. Anxious.

Mournful.

I didn't look at Embry's mother before I spoke.

"We have to go. Now."


	33. Outtake: Steal Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: This outtake was inspired by the conversation between Tiffany and Bella in chapter 32. I felt like at least a bit of the back story NEEDED to be told – enough to gain a semblance of understanding – and immediately sat down to write this as soon as I wrapped up ch. 32. I'm posting it now instead of waiting in hopes this will fill in a hole or two, and that it will supplement and build a stronger foundation for what's to come in ch. 33. Plus...it just needed to come out. Badly.
> 
> Additional disclaimer: This outtake by no means puts my seal of approval on marital infidelity, so please don't accuse me of it. However, that is the beauty of human emotion, situations and mistakes. They are rarely black and white. There are many shades of gray mixed in there, and this is one such instance where I'm simply painting with the grays the characters gave me. :)

**"Steal Away" - An outtake for Bluebird**  
  
 _ **Suggested Listening: "A Banquet for Ghosts" and "Thief" by Matthew Mayfield, "The Swell Season" by The Swell Season, "Nowhere Place" by Rachel Wagner, "Cold Winds" by Matthew Mayfield**_  
  
The house was dark, no signs of life except for a dim light in one window, filtering through worn curtains.  
  
Darkness enveloped the home, the land surrounding it completely still. Holding its breath.  
  
Waiting.  
  
But silence was stolen, a piercing wail rising from the house, heard only by the neighboring sequoias before the heavens swallowed the sound.  
  
The cry dwindled, and calm descended once again. Moments ticked by before a new sound was heard.  
  
The first breath of life.  
  
Cries of need joined silent sobs.  
  
A mother's tears baptized her son, wrapped tightly in her comforting arms, before silence fell once more.  
  
A brilliant flash of lightning illuminated the night sky, followed almost immediately by a clap of thunder that shook him to his core, rattling the deepest bones inside his body.  
  
Rain fell in sheets, cascading down his face. He held his breath, shuddering as the spirits mourned on a day they should have rejoiced. Echoing the dark pit of helplessness inside him. An abyss he barely managed to escape intact.  
  
One he was throwing himself back into this very moment.  
  
It all came back the moment he heard, passing news at that evening's tribal council meeting. His breath abandoned him, and every choice he made – every sacrifice – poured through his veins with renewed vigor, reminding him why walking away was necessary. The cut cords pulling together, but not quite mending.  
  
Yet as he cast his eyes to the ground, his steps never faltered, the sound of water hitting the trees echoing like static in his ears.  
  
He couldn't be deterred. A forgotten heart throbbed painfully in his chest, sweeping away duty with the fires of need. Negating promises. Abandoning a farewell already spoken.  
  
If only for a moment.  
  
This moment he needed.  
  
His feet pressed on, keeping close to the trees, welcoming the darkness like a thief, stealing away from the road so he wouldn't be seen. He told his wife he was walking down to the Clearwaters, hand touching her shoulder as she looked up from where she rocked the baby to sleep. Smiling at him. The movement weak, but the most sincere expression she offered him in months.  
  
He was around so much lately, and she didn't suspect a thing.  
  
And it ripped a hole in his chest. Every nerve in his body cried out, urging him to turn from the door. Encouraging him to stay with his family. Pleading with him to stay where he belonged.  
  
But he didn't. He broke the silent promise he made to them, just as he had one hundred times over.  
  
He made an exception to himself this time. He ignored the clawing in his gut, the familiar ache of betrayal filtering through every single one of his senses as his boots sank into the muddy earth below him.  
  
This was one time he would gladly break his promise – his vows – to the family waiting for him at home.  
  
He instinctively turned to his left, his lowered gaze sweeping over the flooding landscape until wanting eyes landed on a small brown house. A house he found. A house he asked Harry, Quil and Joshua to help him fix.  
  
A house he paid for, the money from savings he intended to use to put a new roof on his own taking care of the first six months rent.  
  
His wife knew. Somehow, she knew but she never breathed a word. Still the disappointment, the skepticism in her eyes when he told her he invested it in bonds, momentarily destroyed what bit of dignity their marriage had left during days much more fragile than the ones he lived through now.  
  
Yet she ignored it. She told him she loved him anyway.  
  
She always did blame herself.  
  
And again, he burned.  
  
But he didn't regret it. As he crossed the lawn, he let the rain extinguish the smoldering, refusing to lament a single step he took that night. Away from his family.  
  
Every step leading to another woman's door.  
  
Her door.  
  
Separating him from arms he gave up and a smile that lit a fire inside his heart when there was nothing left to spark.  
  
Leaving a muddy trail behind on the porch, he swept one large calloused hand through his long hair, gracelessly slicking the water from the strands. His chest pounded, lurching toward the aging wooden door, every cell inside him misfiring knowing this wouldn't be like before. Whispered words, stretching over an excruciatingly infinite moment, were supposed to be goodbye.  
  
But they hadn't been.  
  
He knew it the moment she told him.  
  
He knew that moment had only led to this one.  
  
And it hurt one thousand times worse now as he leaned his forehead against the door, closing his eyes, his body aching in places he didn't know he had inside him. Knowing what waited for him this time.  
  
This would be the end.  
  
After this, he would walk away for good. Knowing exactly what he would leave behind once it was over.  
  
His clenched fist rose at his side, connecting softly with the door, three muted knocks reverberating off the porch beams. He stood there, completely still, swallowing past the obstruction in his throat. Listening for movement. Waiting for a pair of soft footsteps to greet him.  
  
They never came. The silence was shrill in his ears.  
  
His fist fell and he opened his eyes, seeking out the cool metal of the doorknob. He turned it quietly, fingers quaking as he turned it gingerly, testing the door for resistance. Checking to see if this time he was locked out.  
  
The door gave way easily, latch releasing beneath the pressure he exerted.  
  
His breath left him swiftly, the pull from inside the house encouraging him to push the door open just enough to slip through. He was greeted by darkness before a flash of lightning revealed the room to him.  
  
Nothing. Not a soul stirred in the barren living room.  
  
The desperate helplessness scratched once again at his insides, quickly replaced by a subdued panic.  
  
He feared the worst. He feared she was gone, taking everything except the memories with her.  
  
But a soft flicker of light reignited the hope inside him. His gaze flicked to the right, a muted, yellow glow filtering through a crack in her bedroom door.  
  
Gratitude poured through his veins and he glanced up, shaking his head in amazement at a luck he did not deserve, letting a small, thankful smile erupt across his face.  
  
He moved quietly, navigating the darkened room, the yellow light a beacon to where his heart was leading him. He rounded the corner to find the door open just a crack. His nerves and chest jolted in anticipation, knocking the breath from his lungs. Still, he reached up, fingers spreading across the door as he slowly pushed it open.  
  
A single lamp on her bedside table was the source of the light, bathing the room in the faintest of glows.  
  
Yet he paid no mind to the room, his eyes affixed to the very reasons his feet carried him here.  
  
A woman who owned a large piece of his heart, and the beautiful infant causing it to break into a million irreparable pieces.  
  
He saw nothing else as he drifted across the distance between them. His eyes reveled in the sight of her sleeping form, eyes closed, a delicate face dreaming. A soul at peace. Her head was tipped, midnight hair splayed across the pillow. His gaze traveled down her slender shoulders, across her bare, full breasts to the tiny newborn nestled between them.  
  
He was transfixed. Enchanted by the way the baby pressed against his mother, copper skin against her lighter caramel, her hand on his tiny back, holding him to her. The child's limbs were tucked in for dear life, a miniature fist next to his open mouth. Jet-black hair framed ethereal features.  
  
His heart leapt when the child made soft noises in his sleep, eyes fluttering behind closed lids.  
  
Both he and his mother dreaming of a life he could never give them.  
  
The gravity of his responsibility – the full weight of what his love for this breathtaking woman had cost them all – pushed him to his knees as he reached her bedside. He inhaled, a silent, inconsolable gasp for air, leaning his arm against the fraying quilt covering the bottom half of her slender body. The other reached out needfully, toward the baby's sleeping form.  
  
Thick fingers tenderly caressed downy hair, and Billy Black swelled with an insurmountable pride.  
  
Taking in this piece of him.  
  
His blood.  
  
Touching his son for the first time.  
  
An unfamiliar warmth singed his eyes with each stroke of his hand. He enjoyed the moment, knowing she would wake soon. Knowing it was inevitable. Knowing he must do what he came here to do. He studied the child's incomparable face. A strong, pronounced Quileute demeanor adorned perfectly with the graceful Makah characteristics of his mother. His strong jaw. Her full lips.  
  
His heart was bursting, but sinking further into the pit of his chest with each passing moment.  
  
He still loved her. And he already loved the child beneath her arm and under his faltering hand. Irrevocably. His chest throbbed with a consuming desire to provide for him. Protect him.  
  
Knowing he would give his own for this life he created.  
  
But also knowing nothing about his decision could be changed.  
  
The bed shifted beneath him, and a sharp intake of breath jarred him from his reverie. He tore his gaze from the sleeping infant, letting it wander up the length of his mother's awakening frame.  
  
He was unable to contain the smile on his lips when his eyes met hers, still heavy with sleep.  
  
Still piercing holes straight to his soul.  
  
She blinked, a bleary stare trying to comprehend his presence next to her, ebony eyes searching his for answers. Looking for an explanation.  
  
But it registered inside her moments later, watching the distraught yet elated expression on his face.  
  
She understood, her free hand moving to the tiny body resting on her chest. Holding it there for a second before she let it fall, warm fingers searching out his.  
  
"You came," she whispered, an unmistakable glaze in her eyes.  
  
He caught her hand in his grasp, bringing it to his face, covering it with his as he pressed her palm to his cheek. He fought himself, a distant voice telling him to make this quick. Another part of him screaming to drag it out. To savor every moment.  
  
Either way, he knew it wouldn't help as he turned his face, lips tenderly brushing her palm.  
  
"Of course I came," he whispered into her skin. "I couldn't stay away. Not this time. Not for this." His sincere gaze flicked toward the newborn. "When was he born?"  
  
Exhaling softly, she sniffled. He painstakingly released her hand, allowing her to hold the baby tighter to her chest. She slid herself slowly up her pillow. She made no move to cover her body, simply readjusting the sleeping child so she now cradled him in both arms, burrowing him into her chest.  
  
"Just after ten last night," she murmured, resting her head on the pillows tucked behind her. Her eyes never left his. Searching. Hoping in the same breath. Wondering if there was another reason he came.  
  
Wondering if things would end differently this time.  
  
He crumbled on the inside, knowing it would not. Still he moved closer, following her. Following his son. Like gravity. Like steel to a magnet.  
  
He swallowed past the knot in his throat. "Did everything go all right?"  
  
Her breasts rose and fell with a heavy breath. She nodded a moment later. "Yes. I'm in a little pain today, but Embry is perfectly healthy."  
  
His lips parted, the corners curling, the name a new sound to his ears. It reached inside him, inflating his heart the moment the syllables rolled from her tongue. "Embry?"  
  
She nodded, her expression relaxing just slightly, smiling in return.  
  
"It's beautiful," he said quietly, again reaching for the sleeping child, his fingertips trailing a path down the short length of his arm. "He's beautiful." His breath caught in his throat, a choked noise escaping it. She grimaced, eyes closing. Knowing what was coming.  
  
"I should have been here," he whispered, almost inaudibly, his voice cracking deeply on the last word.  
  
Her lip quivered, face contorting, eyes squeezing shut. She shook her head, reaching out to him. She found his hand once more, covering it with her own.  
  
"You don't have to do this," she replied, her own voice wavering. "You don't need to apologize. We've already done this, Billy. We've already said goodbye."  
  
There was sincerity in her words but he knew her better than that. He knew if she had her way she wouldn't have to speak them. She wouldn't because he never would have said goodbye in the first place.  
  
But still she did. Understanding. Comprehending why he was here and what it would mean.  
  
"I know," he murmured, watching her head tip back toward him, a single tear escaping her eye.  
Ripping open the already gaping wound in his chest. "But I needed to come. One last time. I needed to see him. I needed to see you. That way you would know...that I couldn't miss this moment. That you would know what it meant to me."  
  
She gave him a resigned nod. "And then what?"  
  
He swallowed, waves of shame once again washing over him, pulling his eyes toward the quilt in front of him. "And then I go," he choked. "Like I said I would."  
  
"Back to your family." The words weren't a question. They were a fact, a truth she already knew. One he knew deep down she accepted.  
  
Closing his eyes, fingers curling around the quilt, he nodded.  
  
"As it should be." Her voice still teetered on the edge of a crippling sadness, one he felt within him.  
  
The bed shifted again beneath his hand, and he peered up at her through hooded, troubled eyes. She released her hold just enough on the sleeping baby in her arms, watching Billy imploringly. She tried to smile. "Would you like to hold him?"  
  
His stomach wrenched, and he almost told her no. It wouldn't make things easier. Holding him was the furthest thing from letting go. From walking away. He was lucid enough to see that much.  
  
But he also didn't care because he knew it was his only chance.  
  
There would never be another.  
  
Just this once.  
  
He rose up on his knees, grabbing a knit receiving blanket from its resting spot near the foot of the bed. The only shelter he could offer the newborn from his cold, wet arms. Turning back, he outstretched them in invitation. A smile illuminated her tired face, a genuine expression of happiness.  
  
Leaning forward, she gingerly placed the infant on top of the blanket, into his steady yet anxious arms.  
  
Immediately, the heat from his son's tiny body soaked through the blanket, warming chilled skin. He curled his arms around the child, cradling him into the cotton pressed against his chest. He stirred, squirming slightly before taking a languid breath and relaxing into his father's embrace.  
  
Out of curiosity, Billy curled all but his index finger into his palm. He reached down, stroking the infant's cheek. His arm. His miniature hand. Brushing it across his fingers.  
  
The newborn's palm opened inherently, immediately closing around the thick finger offered to him.  
  
The grin erupting across Billy's features was almost blinding.  
  
Her heart pounded fiercely in her chest.  
  
"He's strong."  
  
She made a quiet noise in her throat, holding the quilt to her chest. One hand twisted into the material, the other holding her fragile body up against the bed. "It's the Quileute in him."  
  
He tore his eyes away from the tiny human in his arms. "I think he gets it from his mother."  
  
Her smile lessened slightly, eyes flickering with an adoration she wasn't allowed to show. Not anymore.  
  
"Tiffany..."  
  
He whispered her name like a prayer, and her eyes closed at the sound of it leaving his lips. His heart pulled at its restraints, and for a moment he tried to think of something else. Passion was incinerated in a blaze of responsibility. He thought of another child. Another son. Two little girls sleeping in their beds. Waiting at home. Waiting with his wife. A woman who was slowly finding her strength after several years of becoming a stranger to the man who couldn't be strong for her.  
  
A woman he loved just as much.  
  
She and their children were the family he vowed to love, protect, and honor. Vows he broke – more than once – but treasured just the same. It couldn't be erased. It couldn't be overlooked.  
  
It was his duty to be there for them.  
  
But it did little to ease the sting. To make him see what he was giving up. Another family. One that wasn't supposed to happen. His road had led him astray, straight into the mouth of dishonor. Into veiled shame.  
  
Into the arms of a woman he was never meant to love, but one he did anyway.  
  
Because he could never view this woman in front of him – this child in his arms – as a mistake.  
  
"If it could be another way..." His voice was distressed, sincere. He again was watching the child in his steady arms. The only part of him that was sure.  
  
"Don't..." she interrupted him, the lamp next to her reflecting off the pools gathering in her eyes. "I told you. You have nothing to apologize for. You are doing what's right, and I can't fault you for it. I won't bring shame to your family anymore, and I won't bring any to him." Her gaze flitted to the baby, and his hold tightened inherently around the swaddled infant. "He won't know."  
  
He slowly pulled his finger from the child's grip, leaning forward and catching her cheek with his palm.  
  
He could feel the moisture beneath his rough skin. "Then know this," he said, his voice absolute. "You will have a home here. You will be taken care of...I'll make sure of it. No one will question why you're here, and..." His voice caught gruffly in his throat, lips parting in dismay as he struggled to take a breath. Closing his eyes, he gathered what courage he needed and pushed the words from his throat. "Embry will always have a family. He belongs here, among the Quileute. Among his people. They will take care of him. Forever, Tiffany. I swear on the spirits they will."  
  
Tears collided with his hand and she closed her eyes, leaning into his palm. "It will make things harder on you. Us being here. You'll have to see him – everyday. You'll have to watch him grow."  
  
"I want that," he growled determinedly. "I want him close to me. I will look after him, even if I can't be the father he deserves."  
  
Her body shook with suppressed cries, drawing an obstructed breath through her nose. "I want that, too," she murmured.  
  
The knot in his chest rose, burning in his throat. The pressure was unbearable, and he allowed what he could to find a release, escaping his lips in a gritty, anguished moan. "And I want to take care of you, even if I can't be the man who kisses you. Who holds you. Who sleeps next to you in bed every night."  
  
She nodded, struggling to inhale, the air pushing back against the sobs awaiting in her chest. Ones she wouldn't let him see.  
  
His pulse pounded in his ears, his hand fighting against his will as he drew it back from her skin. He pulled it into his side, her eyes following his movement. Fingers dove into his pocket, curling around something cool, metallic. Something he placed there, shrouded by the darkness of his bedroom at home, before slipping out the front door.  
  
"Give me your hand," he requested quietly, his re-emerging, balled into an unyielding fist around the object.  
  
Swallowing thickly, she placed her hand on the bed, palm facing up. Her eyes bore into his. Curious. Confused.  
  
He pushed the object into her grasp, leaving his own hand there for one blazing moment before pulling it away.  
  
His stomach twisted as she brought the object closer to her, studying it. Her brow furrowed, pulling low over her eyes as she swept her gaze over every shining facet of the stunning heirloom.  
  
A piece of his family. The only part of it he could give her wholly, without restraint.  
  
His mother's charoite pendant.  
  
He lost track of her breaths as she lost herself in the pendant's remarkable beauty.  
  
"Billy..."  
  
"It was my mother's." The words spilled swiftly from his mouth, before she could insist he take it back. Before he gave her the opportunity to unwillingly purge another mark he tried to leave on her life.  
  
And she needed this. She needed to know.  
  
"She gave it to me, and I'm giving it to you. I want you to have it," he insisted, reaching up and cupping his hand to the back of hers, closing her fingers around the piece of jewelry. "It's charoite – a rare gem. It helps the wearer to embrace change and growth. To feel less anger, less hurt and confusion, and that it connects the heart and the mind, bringing peace, calmness and balance."  
  
She watched him, a familiar smile fighting to break its way through the tears. It fractured his heart, to see her happy at his doing, knowing when he left, he would take it all with him again.  
  
Yet he closed his eyes, knowing there was more to be said. More she needed to know.  
  
"It's a part of my family – a part of it for you. I know it will never give you what I cannot, but it's one piece of me I can. A piece of my history – my heart – for you to keep. That way you know I will always care about you. That I will always care about our son, and that I will always cherish you and what you gave me."  
  
He reached out to her once more, quite possibly for the last time, sweeping the fresh trail of tears from her cheek. Her body was fighting her, wanting to break down. Wanting to let the weakness through. Wanting to plead with him to stay, even though she knew it wasn't possible.  
  
"I love you, Tiffany Call. I swear to you I do."  
  
He rose on his knees, closing the short distance between them, fervent, desperate lips meeting hers – swallowing her sobs. Soothing them in the only way he knew how. A balm offering a temporary patch to a crippling wound only time would heal. Their son rested between them, still in Billy's arms, pressed against both their chests. Nestled between two hearts that could not beat for each other.  
  
Yet both beat for him. No matter what.  
  
His mouth moved greedily against hers. He tasted her. His fingers trailed the length of her cheek, memorizing a face he already knew by heart. Saving this moment in his mind. Sending it to a distant place he would never speak of but always remember.  
  
She pulled away before he was ready, leaning her forehead against his. A gut-wrenching cry escaped her lips, her body trembling when he felt her hands slide between the child and his arms.  
  
Taking him back.  
  
In that moment, he surrendered his son to her, knowing he would never again come to her like this. Knowing he would never be a part of this child's life. He would never be the boy's father. Not in the ways that mattered.  
  
But he reminded himself of what else mattered before he stood, more times than he could count. Even as he strode purposefully from the room, leaving mother and child alone in the desolate bedroom. Refusing to look back, he told himself again. He could feel his steps quickening as he reached the front door. Fire licked at his insides, urging him to leave the house as quickly as he could.  
  
Before his senses failed. Before duty turned into a frivolous joke. Before the cries he could still hear ringing in his ears coerced him into turning back.  
  
Instead, he focused on what was in front of him.  
  
Where he was going.  
  
He was doing the right thing.  
  
And he felt lighter. Weightless.  
  
But it wasn't because of where he was going. It was what he was missing. Already.  
  
A part of himself. The part he was leaving behind.  
  
And again, he knew. He would never be the same.  
  
He would never be whole again.


	34. Hear Me

_**Suggested Listening: "Hear Me" by Imagine Dragons, "My December" by Linkin Park, "Take A Bow" by Greg Laswell, "I Don't Want To Leave" by Matthew Perryman Jones, "He Dreams He's Awake" by Stars, "12" by Alexi Murdoch** _

" _The bluebird carries the sky on his back." – Henry David Thoreau_  


**JACOB POV**

I didn't know they were there.

I didn't think about the consequences. I didn't think about the training I'd missed in my rush to escape what I found in a stack of old photos in my father's room. I didn't think about what could be waiting in my mind's eye when I hit the forest, clothes shredding to pieces the second I felt bones realign and tissues shift, the fire exploding outside of me until I was purging it from my body on four legs.

I didn't think about what could be waiting for me when I did.

All I could think about was glimpses of what I saw. Flashes of what I heard.

And before I even realized they were there waiting for me, I was feeding it back to them, replaying moments in my brain with jarring clarity. The shock, the betrayal, the anger that accompanied every single word that wasn't meant for me to hear.

An incapacitating chorus of howls jerked me back to my senses before I could get a hold on the memories assaulting my insides. Confused voices, equally frantic thoughts joined mine the second I inadvertently pushed it to the front of their minds. I couldn't hear a fucking thing as I ran, the uproar in my head – silent voices talking, shouting, bodies feeling all at once – causing a pained whine to escape my throat.

They only echoed me.

My pain.

_Their pain._

Yet I couldn't focus on what they felt, my body heavy with the weight of what I just learned.

I lost track of the minutes I stood there, behind Bella, listening. Her scent was all over La Push and I followed her to the burial ground, armed with questions but completely unprepared for answers I wasn't looking for.

Every word – every confession – felt like a punch to the stomach, yet I refused to move. Not a single muscle twitched as Tiffany Call told Bella her story. As she explained the necklace. As the pieces fell together the same time I felt myself coming apart.

As she came clean about something I always suspected, yet somehow still refused to believe.

My father.

A side of my mother he never talked about. One I didn't remember.

The image of the family I'd grown up in – the pride in it my father tried so hard to teach me – came crashing down around me as I stood rooted in place, breaking into a thousand irreparable pieces, dissolving inside me as each one joined the fire coursing through my veins.

I questioned it all in a single moment.

_What happened between Jacob's father and myself was never meant to be, Bella._

_He loved me. He said goodbye._

_He said goodbye for his family. Fought for the one he made a promise to._

_But he loved me, Bella. He loved Embry._

_His son..._

I denied it at the same time.

I wanted to stop her. I wanted to tell her she was wrong. I wanted to tell Bella not to believe it, but something inside me kept me quiet. Something kept the words from forming. One word. One she didn't speak.

 _Brother_.

My vision swam with red, snapping myself back to the present. Using every bit of clarity I had left in my head, I pushed a silent plea through the deafening buzz, begging the pack to abandon their current forms.

_Please._

I wanted them to leave me be, stumbling as I was hit once more. Realizing each one of them was recycling the exact sentences – the same words – unwillingly offered to them moments earlier. Feeding them to one another. Over and over again.

The blaze inside me intensified. Lungs unnecessarily gasped for air and my heart pounded frantically against my ribs.

I couldn't purge this. I couldn't get rid of this burn.

I opened my mouth, a tortured snarl erupting from deep inside my chest. An unconscious order.

_Go._

Still, the thought was lost. Drowned among others as they somehow managed to grow louder.

_What the fuck._

_I knew it. I always knew it._

_Jesus Christ, could this get any worse?_

_Embry, phase out._

The last sentence, inherently pushed to the front of my mind by Sam's dominant tone, broke through the clutter created by the others. They backed off automatically, _his_ name instantly setting the already burning embers inside me completely ablaze, igniting a storm of different emotions in the others. Sadness. Sympathy. Anger. Ones I'd already felt. Ones I was _still_ feeling.

_He loved me._

_He loved Embry._

No.

I pushed back against the unrelenting pressure bearing down on my insides, shaking my head. The denial seeped through my veins, and I released another growl – fighting against what drove me here – as paws pushed into the ground and my body picked up speed.

It wasn't true.

It _couldn't_ be fucking true.

Eighteen years of life flashed through my minds eye. The others painstakingly fell silent as I allowed the memories to come forward. They watched - waited - but I didn't care. I ignored the eerie calm as it fell, sifting through each memory at lightning speed. Searching. Looking for proof. Craving evidence that what Tiffany Call said was true. Wanting to remember something that backed up her claims.

But I only remembered my father. My mother. A hazy memory standing outside of a little red house. One of my earliest. Reaching for Rebecca's jet-black pigtail as Sue Clearwater snapped the photo. One that still hung above my dresser.

I remembered my family. My dad's stories at bedtime, turning into legends around the bonfire. Legends I never knew would one day come true. I remembered the stupid song he sang to Rachel and Rebecca when they refused to go to sleep at night.

I remembered stolen moments, ones I wasn't supposed to see. The smile on my mother's lips. My father's nose in her hair. The chaste yet lingering kisses they shared.

 _My mother_.

I remembered the day we buried her, my hand clasped tightly between Rachel's fingers. My father's sunken face. The emptiness in his eyes. The tears he cried at night when he thought no one was listening, when we were supposed to be asleep.

How he was never completely the same following the loss of the only person who ever had any right to love him.

My lungs ached inexplicably, fighting to draw in air.

The silence was broken when I felt the flicker in the corner of my mind. _He_ was there. I felt him fall, crumbling beneath the weight of yet another partial glimpse of what I'd seen before and what I was remembering now.

 _My_ father.

 _My_ family.

_Phase out._

I heard the words again, but he was gone. Nothing else occupied the space he previously had except a heady, silent buzz.

He wasn't there.

And it made the fire inside me explode.

The flames licked at my insides and I threw my head back, snout tipped toward the sky as I released an anguished howl into the trees. Everything else leading to this moment suddenly seemed null and void. The father I lost, his legacy. The one I clung to. The world I was a part of. The one I ran from and returned to. The one I thought I knew.

The man who taught me the importance of family.

Of blood.

The father who held it higher than anything else.

The very thing I'd told myself I'd been fighting for.

And everything I knew – everything I was trying to get back – disappeared. Realigning. Shifting, except I still couldn't see anything. I still wasn't sure which way I was supposed to go, because this wasn't something I knew.

No one had prepared me for this.

And all I could feel was the anger, an intense throbbing fanning its way through my limbs and muscles, screaming for release. Aching under the weight of it all, knowing it shouldn't have come to this.

Knowing whom the words _should_ have come from.

The need for retribution consumed me the moment the thought surface among the others. I closed my eyes, channeling the fury I held and picking out one link inside the frantic synapses of my brain. Seeing through Sam's eyes, realizing where they were.

I veered to the right, changing my course, all reason within me lost. Angry with a ghost, the animal inside me craved release. It sought vengeance, wanting to prove he wasn't weak. That he couldn't be fooled. That he hadn't missed this.

That he wasn't wrong.

That _I_ wasn't wrong.

I could hear the other wolf before I could see him. Someone had broken away from the pack. He wasn't waiting with the others. He wasn't waiting for me.

He was running away.

Yet he wasn't. It only took a moment to see he was headed straight for me, on a path to intercept.

My teeth bared, a low growl escaping my lips.

A flash of gray out of the corner of my eye yanked me out of my thoughts, instinctively pulling my head in the same direction.

I didn't look before I threw my body to the left, my path recalculating as I intersected whichever member of the pack thought it would be a good idea to head my way. All sense left me and reason floated away as I momentarily sank against my back legs, pushing forward as I leapt through the air.

The force behind the jump caused the other wolf's body to tumble to the ground beneath mine. Agility and coordination were lost in a mess of lupine limbs. Instinct took over and teeth gnashed at fur as I twisted my body, somehow managing to gain the upper hand and stand upright as the other wolf fell slack beneath me. Giving up. Surrendering almost instantly.

Blinking, an instigating growl worked its way from my throat as the red receded from my vision long enough for me to see who it was. Who was going to help me purge this anger from my body.

Silver came into focus first, followed by a streak of black.

I blinked again, teeth revealed as I leaned down, inhaling sharply.

Peering into distressed dark brown eyes, staring up at me.

Eyes the same as mine.

Refusing to fight.

_Again._

The ache was back in my lungs, remembering the last time – remembering the things I said – the same time all the air rushed from my body.

A whine escaped Embry's throat the same time he inadvertently let down whatever steel guard he was keeping in place. As he gave up, I could feel the cloud of exhaustion, the same time the silent space in my mind filled with a hundred different memories and thoughts that didn't belong to me. Instantly pushing everything else out.

I froze, stuck, the weight of it was almost enough for me to fall back.

Eighteen years came back, recollections from a different set of eyes. Eyes that saw the proof I was unwilling to see – proof I'd been _unable_ to see. Eyes that saw my father in a different way. Eyes that saw him there. Next to him, but still a million miles away.

I could see it all through him. I could _feel_ everything resurrected by the glimpses I'd mistakenly allowed him.

Embry's pain.

_My pain._

Responsibilities that came too early. A childhood that ended abruptly, despite his mother's best attempts to maintain every shred of innocence she could.

The times he had to be strong for her during the moments _she_ cried when she thought he wasn't listening.

The times he had to be strong for himself when _he_ did, too young to understand why people looked at him with pity.

At seven years old, he wandered onto First Beach, watching us. I was there, but it wasn't what I saw. It wasn't the way I experienced it. I saw myself catch a football thrown by my father. I saw myself through my best friend's eyes as I noticed him along the tree line. I called his name. I felt the innocent, throbbing sadness ebb slightly, the desire pulsing through the younger version of the person beneath me. The yearning to have what he witnessed.

But it all went away the second Billy had followed my stare, hesitating just a second before a small smile crept across his lips. His hand rose from his side, his fingers curling, motioning for Embry to join.

The memory had been neatly tucked away, but was now on display, the overwhelming happiness – the acceptance – he felt in that moment enough to yank the breath from my lungs.

The simple gesture meaning everything in the world to him.

My limbs started to quake as flashes followed. All the times around the dinner table. Afternoons in the garage when my dad would wander out aimlessly and spend more time than he needed to simply watching us. Me giving him shit as he leaned over the bathroom sink in a little red house, drops of blood trickling down his chin as he tried his hand at shaving for the first time. Billy watched him, supervising, a content expression on his face. A detached and forlorn pride I never noticed before.

He looked at me for a moment with a scolding shake of his head, winking, before turning back to Embry.

" _You'll get the hang of it. You're doing great, son."_

The word screamed in my head, giving way slowly and painstakingly until the appreciation surfaced from another corner of the chaos, a constant gratitude toward a father that wasn't his, but a person who always took the time to care.

Never giving any of it a second thought. Embry never questioned his motives.

It had always been enough.

But now it all made sense to him as the innocent moments before turned into more. Merging with everything that happened after the night things became a little clearer. The night he started to wonder. The night he finally started to question.

And I could see it.

His memories were mine.

The desperate heat raced through his veins, encircling his racing heart and protesting muscles. He rocked on his knees, every bone inside him aching, protesting. His eyes bore into Billy's from where he waited several feet away, his own expression thick with helpless fear. Billy's fingers curled anxiously around the arms of his wheelchair, and he could only watch as Sam cautiously approached a trembling Embry, a pair of scissors in hand. Witnessing the aftermath and the wreckage left in the wake of Embry's first phase, but never speaking. Never giving answers despite the hundreds of questions suddenly emanating from Embry's wide, frightened eyes.

But he turned away from him that night. He let Sam tell him the truth about what he was.

And from that point on, Embry never stopped wondering.

Yet it didn't matter.

He never questioned it, continuing to gravitate toward the one man who'd always looked after him. The one man who never hesitated to be the father figure Embry needed in his life.

_Except for the one moment Embry needed him most._

There was an emptiness – an inexplicable loss – the day Billy was put in the ground. There was an ache that wouldn't go away, one he hid with everything inside him. A closure that would never come the day we said our goodbyes.

There was a moment – one he stole for himself – inside a dark house, forehead pressed to drywall. Eyes closed. A single trail of moisture working its way down burning skin.

Before he turned.

Before he found a letter that wasn't meant for him.

How I put the last nail in the coffin. How I took away the last part of the only family he'd ever known.

My pain.

_His pain._

The memories blurred, slowing and weakening in intensity as his chest rose and fell heavily beneath me. I clung to them without reason, craving more, wanting to see it all.

Wanting to see how it got better for him.

Wanting to see how he made it through it all.

Even though I already knew.

_This is my choice._

_You're my choice, Embry._

The words swirled through overpowering emotions and the blinding haze of mutual betrayal permeating the link between our minds. The words repeated, and I could feel it deep inside me as he channeled the certainty behind them. Capitalizing on the strength it gave him.

But I saw moments before as he let it wash over him; how the loss had finally consumed the facade he always managed to keep in place. I felt her warm hand on his face, how he leaned into it. I could clearly see the small smile on her lips, how it tied together frayed pieces of him he didn't know existed.

And how she repeated the action in a darkened part of a forest just off the tourist beach, her eyes dancing in wonderment as fingers twisted through coarse fur, grazing the skin beneath it.

How the moment she did, she chose him all over again. She chose the animal as well as the man.

She chose every piece of his soul. Just as he had chosen her.

He was no longer alone.

She completed him without even realizing it.

Claiming him.

The way my father never had.

_For the first time in my life, you gave me something to fight for..._

_A real family._

Not just his choice.

His family.

His beacon – his _hope_ – when there was nothing left to count on.

_Embry._

His name slipped past the assault of memories swirling inside my head. His body heaved with suppressed breaths, but he still didn't move. The gravity of everything pulled at me, urging me back. I couldn't help the whimper that escaped my throat as everything he showed me circulated through my mind once again.

It was the truth. All of it. He didn't have to speak a single word. He didn't have to say it.

The memories spoke louder than any words possibly could.

A shudder raced through my body.

The wolf beneath me echoed it.

And we both knew a lifetime of simply being there didn't right the wrongs we never knew existed. It didn't ease the sting – the need for more answers. The need for an explanation. It didn't make up for the years he went without knowing. The years he went without a father.

It was still there.

Even Bella couldn't erase it.

She made it better, but she couldn't take it away.

She couldn't make up for the one person who should have been there. Who should have stood up for what he was supposed to go to war for.

Who should have come clean.

Who should have never walked away.

Who couldn't make the sacrifices needed to be there for his family.

 _Both_ of them.

A crippling realization rolled in my stomach as I stumbled backward. My insides reeled. In a split second, Embry was on all fours, mournful eyes piercing into mine, his mind completely silent. He didn't move. He didn't blink before he turned, the breeze created by his retreating body washing over my stone stance.

He was gone before my frame started to pull in on itself, seeking a solitude I had already been given.

Needing more.

I sucked in a restrained inhale, my vision shimmering as I hit the ground on human knees. My body lurched forward, fingers sinking into the ground beneath me. My insides churned unforgivingly, everything inside mixing into a devastating blend of shock, betrayal and realization.

I knew it, too. The truth had always been there. Right on the surface, but hidden just enough that no one questioned it.

No one fought for it.

Just like my father hadn't fought.

 _Our_ father.

Struggling to breathe, a strangled cry left my throat. One dirt-stained hand clawed at my chest, trying to relieve the pressure.

From the moment I set foot back on La Push, I kept telling myself I had to fight. I had to fight because it was what my father would have wanted. I had to fight before I lost everything. It's what he would have done.

But he hadn't done that either.

He didn't fight.

And neither had I.

Proof of it came back to my human mind, flooding my senses. Pounding against my ribs. Every hateful word spoken. Every piece of ammunition I used in the name of righting my own wrongs tore at my stomach.

_I hadn't fought._

In fact, I'd done the exact opposite.

And everyone was right. The words they spoke never held more truth than they did in that moment. My mistakes held up against my father's, side by side, made it gut wrenchingly clear.

I'd been tearing _my_ family apart.

I'd turned my back on one of the few parts of it I had left.

My father's mistake.

_My mistake._

My frame curled in on itself. Squeezing my eyes shut, I released the sickening tension inside me, fingers curling into the mud as I expelled the contents of my stomach onto the forest floor.

* * *

**BELLA POV**

The darkness was overwhelming, my eyes robotically scanning the nothingness spread out before me.

The sun had set long ago, and I was sitting on the front step of Embry's front porch, anxiously chewing on the side of my fingernail. Behind me, I could hear Tiffany moving around in the kitchen through the screen door, which she instinctively left open despite the cold temperatures outside. She was trying to keep busy and I couldn't blame her.

All I could do though was wait.

My arms and legs trembled as the breeze soaked through my clothes. My heart pumped furiously but no amount of the adrenaline ripping through my veins could keep me warm. Nothing could ease the tremors rolling off my skin. Instead I pulled my jacket tighter around my body, tucked my arms and legs closer to my midsection, and waited.

It was my turn to do it. It was my turn to be there.

But we'd been too late, or went to the wrong place. I still wasn't sure.

I drove faster than I had any right to trying to beat Jacob to Embry's house. I feared the worst. I feared what he would do or what he would say. It shouldn't have happened the way it did, and all I could think of as I pulled into the rutted driveway was how Jacob couldn't be the one to tell him. He couldn't hear it from him. I couldn't be sure how he'd handle it, not after everything that happened. I couldn't be sure what he'd do or what he'd say.

How Embry would respond to it.

But Jacob never showed up. And still, I feared the worst.

And the fact Embry had yet to show up as well only intensified the tense gnawing in my stomach.

Regardless, I waited, even if I didn't have the slightest idea how we would all move past this day.

Because it didn't matter.

It didn't matter because I knew we would. Somehow. Just like we always had.

And I would be there, because it was my turn to be beside _him_ when his world was turned upside down through no fault of his own.

My head jerked every single time I heard a tree rustle or an animal move beyond the distant, invisible tree line. Every noise was amplified, drowning out the soft rush of water coming from the sink inside the house. The normality of the sound did little to comfort me, and every movement in the night was imagined footsteps, becoming more and more prevalent the longer I sat there.

"Bella, sweetheart, why don't you come inside and wait? The cold..."

Lost in my own head, I didn't hear the screen door open behind me. I snuck a glance over my shoulder to see Embry's mother leaning against the frame, one hand curled around the aging screen door.

I offered her the most genuine smile I could. "No, it's alright...I'm fine out here."

She nodded, eyes falling to the floor. Her own soft smile pulled at the corner of her mouth. "You know, I think after today I'm gonna force Embry to get his own cell phone. I never know where he is half the time...might come in handy."

I nodded meekly, resting my chin on my shoulder. "It might," I replied aimlessly. "Doubt he'd ever take it with him anywhere though," I tried making conversation, attempting to aid her in lightening the somberness enveloping both of us. It didn't last long as I took a deep breath, my eyes studying a knot in the porch wood, wondering if she was staring at the same thing. "Do you think Jacob told him?"

The sigh resonated through the thick night. "I don't know, sweetie. I hope not...but Jacob was pretty upset. You know him better than I do. Do you think he would?"

I shook my head forlornly, remembering everything that happened between the three of us in the two weeks leading up to where we were. "At one point I would have said no...but I'm not sure anymore."

Tiffany was silent behind me, and my knee bounced aimlessly the longer I sat there. Finally, my breath left me in a swift rush as I let my leg stretch out in front of me. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my own cell phone, flipping it open and automatically scrolling through the numbers.

"Who are you calling?" Tiffany's voice was meek, but confirmed she hadn't moved from her spot near the door.

"Quil...if he's with anyone, it's probably Quil," I answered automatically, hitting the call button and pressing the phone to my ear. It rang once, twice, three times. By the fourth ring, the knot in my stomach turned to lead.

On the fifth ring, I sighed, pulling the phone back and looking at the illuminated display before hitting the end button.

"Where are you?" I whispered almost inaudibly to thin air.

"He'll be home, sweetie." I was chewing on my fingernail again, my eyes doing one last scan across the dark landscape in front of me. For a second, I'd forgotten Tiffany was still behind me. "I might not know where he goes all the time, but he always comes home...that much I do know."

I could feel the dull panic bubbling in my gut, the latent _need_ to know where he was and if he was okay, spreading slowly through my veins. I let my hand fall to my lap before it slid off my leg to the porch. I shook my head forlornly, pushing myself off the porch to a standing position. "No...something's not right."

I took two steps before Tiffany called me back. "Where are you going?"

I turned the upper half of my body to see her, hands clamping into nervous fists at my sides. "Sam Uley's...he might be there. If he's not, Sam might know where he is."

"Bella..."

She never finished her sentence.

Instead, I watched as her mouth fell open a little further, a glaze spreading over her eyes as they lifted. Staring at something beyond me.

The space between my eyebrows puckered in confusion. I let my fingers unfurl before following her gaze, allowing my body to face the direction I was going.

My heart stuttered in my chest and my stomach plummeted to my feet.

Just a few yards away, Embry stood stiff and stoic. His body was bathed in the dim light from the porch, and not a single part of him moved until his shoulders heaved, his body drawing in a sharp inhale as his hardened stare bore down on the person still standing behind me. His brows angled downward over his eyes, lips pursed. His eyes were blazing.

Closely resembling the burning man I found on my porch just days earlier.

Except this time he _wasn't_ burning.

This time, he was _angry_ , the fury emanating off him through tremors that rippled across his skin. I couldn't tear my eyes away. I couldn't look at his mother to confirm if she could see it too. And Embry didn't bat an eye. It was like he was looking but not seeing a thing as a lifetime of secrets clawed their way from him. As a hundred questions erupted to the surface.

As his stare focused on the only living person responsible for keeping them from him.

_He knew._

It was written over every single part of his body.

I took a step back in spite of myself.

Embry noticed.

The moment my foot pressed against the gravel behind me, his head jerked toward the sound. Toward me. His gaze pierced downward, starting at the ground, raking its way up my body until they reached my face. Until they had a moment to register my wide eyes. My lips parted in shock, the slight tremors rolling off my outstretched hand.

And his breath left him, his eyes closing, putting out the fire. At least for a moment.

"Embry..." The voice behind me was timid but resolute. I already knew she would give no apologies for her decision, although I couldn't speak for her choices – the one to keep it from him, the one she made before he was born, the way he had to find out.

His eyes were still closed, his body concentrating, channeling everything inside him into pushing back the anger rolling beneath his skin. His lips parted slightly, his tongue appearing for a split second as he moistened his lips. He swallowed, Adam's apple bobbing heavily with the movement.

"Is it true?" His words were low. Commanding.

A shudder laced up my spine.

"Sweetheart..."

"Answer me!" My entire body jolted as his booming, heated demand filled the yard, a tone I'd never heard him use, ricocheting off the trees before floating back down to where we stood. "Is...it...true?" He was seething, spacing the words out between clenched teeth.

I wanted to look behind me, but I couldn't tear my eyes from him. My heart wanted to move, but my legs wouldn't cooperate. My body wouldn't budge.

The silence that hung between the three of us was smothering.

"It's true, Embry."

His breath left him again, the shock – the weight of the three words – enough to throw his body off balance. He stumbled back, the anger leaving him swiftly. Replaced by the words he asked to hear, spoken by the person who needed to say them.

Suddenly my legs felt lighter. Holding my breath, I took a step forward.

Embry's face snapped back toward me, and I stopped. He was still fighting to draw in deep, even breaths, his eyes darting erratically back and forth between his mother and me. Like a caged animal that wasn't sure which way was out.

His expression tore at my insides, and even though I knew it wouldn't make it better, all I wanted to do was hold him. Kiss him. Promise him everything would be okay.

"Does she know?" The question was once again directed at his mother.

"Yes, sweetie, she does."

Embry let out a groan, shaking his head before bringing both hands to his face, scrubbing his fingers roughly through his hair. "I can't...I just..." The look on his face dripped with anguish. "This entire time...how could you not _tell me_?"

My hand drifted to my mouth, covering my lips as I blinked back the stinging in my eyes, the sheer pain in his voice causing my heart to shatter in my chest.

This time, I heard feet cross the front porch, approaching the steps. I could hear her directly behind me, barely shielded by my shaking frame. "I'm sorry, Embry...and I mean that with everything inside me. I'm sorry for the choices I made, because now you're the one paying for my mistakes, and I never wanted that...which is why I never told you. I didn't want you living every single day knowing your father was right there but couldn't be what you needed him to be. To me, that was a worse fate for you, Embry. Not how it was."

Embry was gaping at her now in stunned disbelief, his fingers still intertwined aggressively in his hair. His head was shaking back and forth without his permission.

"I'm sorry I hurt you, Embry...and I would give _everything_ I have to keep this pain from you, which is why I did what I did. The _only_ reason I didn't tell you," she pressed on, her voice closer to me. "Because you would have been hurt...much worse than this."

She was beside me now, and for the first time, I could see her face. The worry lines were pronounced, features heavy with regret, but eyes wide with sincerity. Projecting the love she held for her son. Urging him to believe she had done everything she could, thinking it was the right thing.

The frustration seeped from his features, but I ignored them. I ignored the step back he took, the way he let his hands fall to his sides, his posture slumping slightly, shoulders leaning heavily toward us.

I wasn't watching any of it. I was watching his eyes, agonized black orbs drowning in everything he now knew.

Clouded with the same sorrow I'd seen within them the night in Jacob's garage.

The weight of everything starting to crush him.

I took another step forward.

"That's bullshit," he whispered, ignoring my movement, the words traveling across the short distance between us. My pulse raced, pounding against my temples, and I kept both feet on the ground. " _You_ decided, Mom... _you_ decided what I was strong enough to handle. It should have been _my_ choice...not yours."

"You're right," Tiffany replied, her head dipping toward the ground before she lifted it again, her expression a plea for forgiveness. "But I don't expect you to understand...not right now. I don't expect you to understand the lengths a mother will go to protect her child. I am _sorry_ _._ I made a mistake, Embry...but please know I did it for the right reasons, in my heart. And all I can do now is tell you how much I love you...how much I have and _will_ always love you...and ask you to forgive me for that same reason."

He blinked, watching her, and I remained frozen in place.

Infinite moments passed by.

Before his body went slack.

Before he took a step back, followed by another.

"I can't," he growled, his face screwing up in false determination. "Not yet."

And he turned his back on us, fleeing toward the tree line. Disappearing once again into the darkness.

My heart faltered in my chest.

"Embry!" The word erupted from my airway as I took two steps in the direction he ran, blinking as I tried to focus on the expanse of night in front of me. Knowing it was futile because I couldn't see a thing.

Knowing he would be long gone before his name ever made it to the trees.

But my body turned anyway, feet moving, that same stuttering heart pulling me in a different direction. Following him, but leading me on a path to my car, my fingers inherently pushing into my pocket, digging for a small set of keys.

"Bella..." Tiffany's whisper was defeated. "It might be best to let him go. Give him some space to cool down."

"No." The protest tumbled resolutely from my lips as I reached my car, grabbing the handle and opening the door before casting a glance back at Embry's mother. Catching her as she reached up to brush a tear from her cheek. "I have to go."

Crossing her arms tightly in front of her body, she nodded. "Take care of him, okay?"

Blinking, a small, comforting smile broke the stoicism of my expression. "I will."

And I would, because I wasn't going to stay away. There would be no space.

Not this time.

Once I was in my car, I pulled it onto the road, swiping away a stray tear from my eye and ignoring the throb as my stomach rolled. I already knew where he was going, the certainty of it pooling inside me. It was obvious he'd seen Jacob. He confronted his mother. She validated everything he learned.

There was only one other place to go.

One other person to whom he needed to say his peace.

A few minutes later, I pulled onto the same rough path I'd traveled earlier that day, reaching the end of it. A feeling of stale dread spread through my veins at an infinite pace, remembering everything that unfolded. Remembering how everything shifted.

My fingers trembled as I killed the engine, the headlights of my car illuminating the edge of the burial ground, darkness swallowing everything else. Twisting in my seat, I felt on the floor for the duffel bag I knew was there. Something Charlie made me to keep in my car, his cautious, careful side requiring me to be prepared just in case I was ever stranded. My fingers curled around the strap a moment later before I heaved it into the front seat, pushing back the zipper and fumbling through the bag's contents until I felt the flashlight I was looking for.

I took a deep breath, my hand clasping the flashlight anxiously as I leaned forward and flicked off the car's headlights.

My steps were uncertain once I emerged from the car. I reached the front of it, pausing for a moment to let my eyes adjust to the lack of light. This time, I held my breath, internally grateful for the full moon overhead as the clouds parted, allowing it to bathe the land in the faintest of glows.

Unsure of how long the moon would hold its place in the sky, I switched the flashlight on. Pushing myself off the car, my eyes trained on the ground as I followed the yellow beam. I couldn't hear anything except the sound of my own muffled footsteps pushing into the ground below, traversing the same path as earlier. My heart pounded in my ears, a dull yet hopeful ache consuming my stomach.

Two more steps.

Another followed.

Until the abundant flood of light leading me fell on exactly what I was hoping to find.

A hurricane of relief slammed into my body, the force from it enough to make me take a step back.

If he heard me, he made no attempt to move. But I knew he had, and still he didn't speak a word. Frame hunched over, his knees pressed into the dirt. His head tipped downward, shoulders rising and falling with heavy, labored breaths.

I drew in a deep, silent breath of my own before I let my thumb brush over the switch beneath it, the light abruptly disappearing, once again plunging the air around us into darkness. Giving him back some semblance of the solitude I knew he wanted.

I blinked, silently wishing I could still see him. Regardless, I took two slow, languid steps. The steps needed to reach him.

Little by little, my eyes adjusted to the only light afforded to us by the sky. It was enough to make out his tall, defined outline, kneeling before the unmarked grave. My chest tightened unbearably, suddenly feeling like an intruder, but still confident this was where I needed to be.

He didn't move, but I heard his breathing shift, the air catching in his throat. An inherent response to my presence – my scent. I knew the reaction by heart. He held it for a moment, the silence almost tangible before he let it out.

"I knew..."

The faint words almost were lost in the night surrounding the burial ground. Somehow though each syllable filtered through me, an ice-cold chill slowly crystallizing my veins.

Yet the gravity of what he said was enough to instinctively pull me to my knees beside him, my hands falling to my lap. I could feel the heat from Embry's body as I shifted my weight, my knee brushing his. Hesitating for a moment, I swallowed thickly before lifting my hand, taking a chance. Unsure of how he'd react.

But even as my fingers spread across his denim-covered thigh, he didn't move.

My breath left me in a swift rush, the turmoil inside me easing just slightly because I was simply able to touch him.

"Embry..." His name was a whisper as it fell from my mouth.

"I _knew_ ," he repeated, the words spilling past his lips, louder this time, without a second thought. Blinking, I turned my head, the moon permitting just enough light for me to see the memorized contours of his face. It was tipped toward the ground, his eyes open, but I couldn't see them.

"Not for sure..." His next words were heavy, anguished. "...but I knew. They told me the legends when I was a kid...they weren't supposed to. It always made me wonder why...what if..." He stopped, and I found myself wishing he'd reach out to me. That he'd take my hand. That he would _feel_ me next to him.

Somehow, he pressed on. Still, he kept talking. "But when it happened...when I phased...I _knew_." His lips parting slightly, Embry squeezed his eyes shut. "It all made sense. All of it. He was _always_ there, Bella, and I could _feel_ it, but...he never said it. Just like my mom never said it." The words caught in his throat, and I found my body inherently gravitating toward his. "And I never asked."

My throat tightened, and I tried swallowing past the knot in it. "Embry," I repeated, this time lifting my hand from his leg and seeking out the blazing skin on his arm. I wanted to comfort him, even though I knew no words I had inside me could do it completely. "It might not have made a difference, and maybe your mom is right. By that point, it might have been too late...done too much damage."

An ironic chuckle erupted from Embry's lips, giving birth to a shudder as it snaked up my spine. "Right, because finding out this way was better." His voice was filled with a venomous sarcasm not meant for me. "Finding out my fucking _father_ was right here, Bella...right _next to me,_ the entire time, and never said anything...makes it better."

"It doesn't make it better, Em," I murmured, ripples of dull pain overpowering the parts of me that already ached for him. I let my head dip, my forehead seeking out and leaning against his shoulder. "He made a mistake...your mom made a mistake...but it will be okay."

Embry's muscles tensed beneath my touch, and he sniffled as he drew a sharp breath in through his nostrils. "How? _How_ will it be okay, Bella? He's _dead_ , and I can't even ask him all the questions I've had eighteen years to come up with, so I came here because it was as close as I could fucking get." His voice rose in pitch and intensity, and I could hear his resolve fraying.

"And my own br..." The words caught in his throat, his body lurching forward slightly. "And _Jacob's_ doing everything he can to rip apart the only family I have left..."

My heart throbbed against my ribs at what he couldn't say, and I could feel the stinging heat reform in the corner of my eyes. My insides churned as I brought up my other hand, letting my fingers drift across the back of his neck, almost like I could draw the pain from his body to mine if I just kept touching him.

"It will be okay," I breathed, everything inside me pushing the words out. Believing the truth in them.

Refusing to tell him anything else because it _would_ be.

Because _I_ would be fighting for him this time.

I couldn't say what I wanted - not like this. But I could say what he needed to know. Promises I meant just as much.

"You're not alone in this, Em...you don't have to do this alone." I whispered the words, drawing out every bit of sincerity I could find. Willing him to believe them.

He sucked in a strangled breath, shaking his head.

Still, I pressed on, begging him to face the pain. Pleading with him to let my certainty wash over him, so he could embrace the truth. So he could find a way to put it behind him.

So he could find the strength to move forward.

"Let me be there for you, Embry. Let me be strong for you."

My entire body quaked in response to the tormented sob that slipped past his lips, expelling the first minute wave of what was tearing him apart on the inside. "I don't fucking know what I'm supposed to do, Bella. I don't know what this means. Who I am. Where to go from here...none of it."

"You keep _going_ ," I encouraged, rising swiftly and turning my body toward him, one knee slipping between his legs. I brought both hands up, clasping the sides of his neck with my fingers. He allowed it, but he still refused to look at me, his eyes trained on my lap. "Someone told me the same thing once, and Embry...he was right."

"I don't know if I can..."

"Stop...look at me." I leaned into him, taking his face between my hands, feeling the moisture beneath my palms. "This doesn't change _anything_ , Embry. It doesn't change _you_. None of it."

His head swayed to one side, and I gently pulled him back toward me. He finally looked at me. He finally allowed me to see his eyes in the moonlight.

And I tried to give them back every ounce of strength they'd ever given me.

"You're still the same person," I whispered, a small smile spreading across my lips. "The same beautiful, caring, strong man I love. You did that, Embry. _You_ are responsible for the person you've become. _You_ got to make that choice...no one else."

"Bella..." His inhale was ragged, his breath dancing across my face as he pushed it back out of his lungs. His shoulders shook, body trembling as everything inside him started to come apart. "If that's true...why wasn't I enough?"

A pained noise escaped his throat the same time I felt a scalding tear trail its way down my cheek, traveling over my jaw until it reached my chin.

"You _are_ enough." I let my fingers drift down the length of his jaw, his eyes falling once again. As he swallowed what was fighting to break loose, I leaned forward, pressing my lips to his forehead, again and again, leaving soft kisses against his searing skin.

"You will _always_ be enough," I murmured against his hair, "and just because he chose not to be there the way he should have doesn't change who you are. Just because he decided your past does not mean a damn thing for your future. _You_ taught me that, Embry..."

He rocked back, his expression pulling in on itself. His eyes squeezed shut the same time he brought one hand to his face, trying to back away from the brink on which he was precariously balancing. Trying to hide it from me, but I could see his frame shaking beneath the weight of the breakdown he was still holding back.

I pressed my mouth to his forehead one last time, the same moment he leaned into me.

The same time I felt his muscles slacken beneath my hands.

I closed my eyes, lips ghosting across his skin. "Let go."

And he did.

Even if it wasn't completely, it was enough to lift an ounce of weight from his back. The rest would follow eventually, lightening a burden he'd been born with but never asked for.

He crumbled to pieces, crushed beneath the full meaning of the day's revelations. His shoulders slumped forward the same time I rose to my knees, arms curling around his neck, pulling him to me. Comforting. I nuzzled my nose against his neck, swallowing back my own tears, my body rocking gently as I held him tightly against me. He buried his face in my shoulder, the cries escaping his lungs faster than he could contain them. His body trembled beneath my hands.

I held on tighter.

Holding him together even as he fell apart in my arms.

* * *


	35. On Your Knees

_**Suggested Listening: "In My Veins" by Andrew Belle, "Boy On The Moon" by The Daylights, "You Will Become" by Glen Hansard, "Dead Hearts" by Stars, "Into The Fire" by Thirteen Senses** _

**EMBRY POV**

_You don't have to do this alone._

Confident words...

_Let me be there for you, Embry. Let me be strong for you._

A desire. A declaration...

_You are enough._

_You will always be enough._

An oath. A promise pushed through grief, sealed under the touch of steady, sure hands...

_Let go._

My body jolted, eyelids snapping open as I suddenly found myself sitting upright, hands digging into the couch cushions beneath me. Sleep left my body quickly, and I ignored the throbbing ache in my back. The haze in my eyes took a little longer to subside as my shoulders heaved with labored breaths. Blinking, I scanned the room I was in, trying to remember where I was.

_Quil's house._

Letting out one last ragged exhale, I brought my hands to my face, rubbing it roughly with my palms in an effort to rid my brain of the residual flashes of the dream still lingering in my head.

Throughout the night, each time I closed my eyes, the same images rested behind my lids. The same snippets of hours earlier when I let eighteen years of uncertainty and grief leave my body only to be absorbed by the small yet strong arms holding me.

Arms attached to the person who _spoke_ those words, the ones that echoed through me even as I slept.

It made sense why I held onto them, why they seemed to be the only thing keeping me from going to a place from which I wasn't sure I could come back. There was a finality in them – one I couldn't ignore, but one I couldn't count on just yet – that took the edge off the frustration, and ebbed the helpless grief that still boiled deep down. One that could easily erupt if I didn't take a step back. If I didn't stop _looking_ back and wondering what could have been different.

Wondering how things might have been if only I had known the truth.

Her words held me together, keeping me from falling apart completely.

Just like she had the night before.

But no matter how much it lessened the sharpness of the truth, the dull ache was still there, pulsing in the depths of my chest.

If only...

If only my mother had been honest.

If only Billy had said the words I somehow always needed to hear.

If only I hadn't lost the only family I never realized was mine.

With a sigh, I collapsed back against the couch, head pressing into the bunched pillow. Bringing my hands up, I closed my eyes and rubbed circles into my temples with my fingers. I could hear Quil moving around in his bedroom, and I knew it was only a matter of time before he came out. Before he started asking questions.

I'd asked Bella to drop me off at Quil's house the night before. I couldn't go back to my own. I couldn't face my mother, not without seeing everything she kept from me. Not without seeing Billy's face. Not without seeing Jacob's. Not without seeing all the memories I was a part of but never truly belonged to me.

My fingers pressed harder into my skin and I shuddered in spite of myself, remembering how I learned the truth. How I learned it in a way I never could have imagined. In a way I never would have asked for. Flashes, crude snippets shooting from Jacob's mind like bullets. He wasn't aiming for me, but they hit me nonetheless. Every word, every confession from my mother's lips – every _memory_ from Jacob's mind – plowed into me like a freight train. It stole the breath from my lungs, and the image of my mother telling someone else – someone who _wasn't_ me – made my heart still in my chest and my stomach tie in vicious, unforgiving knots.

Everything came together in a single moment. Every memory, every suspicion, every trace of anger I managed to push back for the sake of leading a normal life rose to the surface. The anguish added by Jacob's own anger and denial, as well as the varied reactions from the pack, mixed poisonously with my own.

It was too fucking much.

So I shut down. I fled. I blocked them out. I went to seek answers from the only person I knew could give them.

My mother.

But before I could get there, I was overcome. I was taken by surprise, my back pressing into the ground beneath the full weight of Jacob's body, and I couldn't hold it back any longer. Not when he desperately needed to see what I saw, when he needed to feel what I felt.

He needed to see what it did to me, just like he showed us. I didn't select the memories; they just came out, my mind drifting to parts of my life where that void in my life was something I couldn't ignore. It flared and scratched at my insides, despite the fact I somehow managed to put it aside and come to grips with the fact I was always going to be the bastard kid on the rez who didn't know who his father was, and it was something I had to learn to live with.

But I never really did, no matter what I told myself, and he saw it all the same moment it solidified inside my own body.

While I never had a father, he had always been my brother. Blood or not, that bond had always been there.

 _He_ was always there. He was always there for me, even if his father – _our_ father – was not.

Until now. Until he left. Until he came home.

Until Bella.

And seeing it struck something inside him, I just didn't know how deep.

By the time I made it to back to my house, _everything_ hit me all over again, with ten times as much force. And it simmered, until the only person who could extinguish the fire – the only person who'd ever been able to extinguish it – did so without a second thought.

I lost track of how long Bella and I were on our knees, at the foot of Billy's grave. I wasn't sure how long she sat there, her arms around me, rocking back and forth like she was comforting a small child. I fought with myself on the inside even then, but I purged the worst of it from me in those moments, and a part of me couldn't pull myself away from her.

I needed her.

I needed those arms.

She was all I wanted.

She was all I had left.

The only person I let share the load, despite never asking or expecting her to. But she did, and she did it without hesitation and without fail. She did it with the same strength and confidence I'd _always_ seen inside her.

And fuck, I didn't think it was possible...but I loved her more because of it.

So much it fucking hurt.

So I clung to her because I could, because in that moment she was there. With me.

With Bella's arms around me, intertwined in her whispered words of comfort, everything inside me – every instinct – drew me in. It felt like it used to be, when it was just me and it was just Bella. When there were no fathers, no brothers, and no lies between us. The certainty behind it put me at ease, just as it always had, and for a split second I believed without a doubt she would be there when it was all over.

For a moment, it felt like she made her choice.

But I didn't know for sure, and no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't bring myself to ask. Sitting in Quil's driveway, my lips parted but nothing came out as I watched her hand rise just slightly from her lap, wanting to reach out to me, but she never did. The energy between us was thick, its intensity as tangible as ever. The draw was still there. Every cell inside me screamed she was still mine, and I couldn't see anything other than her in that moment. I wanted to take that small hand in mine and never fucking let it go, but I couldn't.

Because then I'd _have_ to ask. I wouldn't be able to stop myself, and I couldn't bring myself to find out for sure, because I didn't know if I was strong enough to hear her answer.

I didn't know if I could bear losing her.

Not yet.

Not now.

Maybe not ever.

And I wanted her here now. I wanted her to remind me, because I could feel the residual sadness, the disappointment, the _anger_ bubbling in my gut. My hands trembled over my eyes, but I pushed it back. I repeated different words to myself, just like I had several times since I shut that car door behind me and faced the night without her.

_You are responsible for the person you've become._

You _get to make that choice._

_No one else._

I knew she was right. I told myself the very same thing when I walked away from Jacob the night he kissed her. I knew it was the truth, but even so, Bella's words only offered a temporary patch to something that seemed much bigger. A momentary stop on a path I had to take, yet had no idea how to reach.

Because for once in my life, I had no idea what I was supposed to do next. There was nothing I could do about my mother's choice – about Billy's choice – but swallow the truth and figure out how to move forward.

But move forward to what?

Because Jake was still here, and he still had a choice too.

Aside from that moment where his thoughts were my own and mine were his, I had no idea what was going on inside his head or what he planned to do next. I didn't know if that tiny flicker of realization I felt deep in the confines of his mind made a difference beyond that moment. If it penetrated a stubborn resolve no one was able to get through.

If it helped him see everything I saw.

If it opened his eyes to what _he'd_ done, and what he tried to take away – what he was still _threatening_ to take away.

The only person who had ever _chosen_ me.

And the only family I had left. The only brother _he_ had, should he choose to fight for me. To fight for the same family he could destroy, but one he could also have if he chose to work for it. If he chose to repair the bonds of trust within it.

 _Our_ family.

I didn't know if it opened his eyes to what he needed to do. If he realized it was him needing to make a choice too, one that rested squarely in his hands.

Destroy his family.

Or be a part of it.

 _His_ choice was clear.

 _Bella's_ choice was clear.

And so were the consequences for us all.

I heard the door to Quil's bedroom swing open with a loud creak. Moments later, heavy, shuffling footsteps followed. I kept my arm over my eyes, listening to the movements he made without actually acknowledging his presence. I didn't need to; I could smell him getting closer.

I held my breath.

Suddenly, a fist connected hard with my ribs. An agitated cry left my mouth, my arm lowering swiftly and swinging out, just missing Quil's groin as he jumped back and out of my reach. He threw his hands up defensively, ignoring the vicious scowl on my face, blinking wildly before he let a placating grin spread across his.

"Good morning, Sunshine," he ventured tentatively, cocking an eyebrow. "How'd you sleep?"

"Like hell," I mumbled, my gaze once again trained on the ceiling, "but thanks for asking."

"Jesus, dude," Quil admonished, allowing his hands to fall heavily to his sides. "Hasn't anyone ever taught you the phrase 'thanks for your hospitality?'" Shaking his head in an exaggerated motion, he turned, ambling toward the kitchen. I let my eyes fall, refocusing on the back of the front door. "Breakfast? I take this shit seriously, you know, so you really should thank your lucky stars. You could be staying at Leah's...she'd probably wake you up with a boot to the face and a piece of stale bread."

"I'll send you a fruit basket when this is all over," I muttered sarcastically, letting out a labored sigh as I sat upright, swinging my legs over the edge of the couch.

"Extra bananas, thanks..."

My only response was a grunt as I pushed my fingers roughly through my hair.

I tried to ignore Quil peering at me skeptically through the partition separating the living room and kitchen. "Ya know, you think finding out who your dad was would have you in a much better mood."

I glowered at him, dumbstruck, ignoring the red heat as it suddenly rushed through my veins. "Really, dude?"

He sighed before turning the kitchen faucet on with a flick of his wrist. In one awkward movement, he bent at the waist, sticking his mouth under the stream of water. I watched him, gaping, before he stood upright, wiping his lips with the back of his hand. "What?" he gurgled, swallowing once more. "I'm sorry...you know me. I make jokes when I'm not supposed to. I laugh at funerals. It's how I ease the tension of otherwise awkward and miserable situations. You know this...don't look so fucking surprised."

Shaking my head, I tore my stare away from him, trying to push away the fact I wasn't the only one who recognized what a goddamn mess everything had turned into. Stretching to the opposite end of the couch, I retrieved my t-shirt, swiftly pulling it over my head.

"You talk to your mom?"

"Nope, not yet." I blearily rubbed one hand over my face.

"You should call her." The words sounded over the clanging of cupboard doors.

"Thanks for the advice, man." This time I stood, rolling my head around my shoulders to stretch my muscles and trying not to pay attention to the throbbing in my chest. Taking a deep breath, I made my way toward the kitchen, ignoring Quil's wary stare that attached itself to me. Somehow, he still managed to watch me even as he reached to the top of the refrigerator to grab a box of cereal and noisily retrieved the milk from inside it.

"Look, man," Quil finally murmured as I reached into the cupboard above the sink, locating a glass I knew I'd find there. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath the same time my fingers curled around the dish. "I am sorry, you know...that shit had to happen the way it did. Especially with everything else going on, I mean..."

I held my breath this time, oddly appreciative of Quil trying to be there his own way. I lowered the glass, the muted click it made as it connected with the countertop the only sound breaking through the heady silence in the kitchen.

"It's fine," I finally replied, my mouth dry as I opened my eyes, reaching forward and turning on the faucet. I placed the glass under the stream of water. "Not your fault."

"I know, but...still..." I could hear him pouring the cereal into a bowl. "I wonder if it's gonna change shit with Jake, ya know?"

I shrugged, thoughts from earlier resurfacing as I brought the glass to my lips and let the cool water slide down my throat.

Quil kept talking. "He's gonna have to work really fucking hard after the things he said, but you know what? Even if he doesn't that's his loss, you know? If he really wants to throw away eighteen years of friendship just so he doesn't have to admit he was wrong, well...that's pretty shitty."

"I think it's bigger than that, Quil..."

I sat the glass on the kitchen counter the same time Quil leaned against it, just a handful of inches separating us. He had his bowl of cereal in one hand and a spoon poised and ready in the other. "I know," he admitted quietly before plunging the spoon into the bowl. "So Bella called me this morning..."

My stomach wrenched, my fingers tightening instinctively around the glass in my hand. Closing my eyes, I concentrated, pulling myself back, subsequently keeping myself from shattering the glass beneath my fingers. "She called you?"

"Yup," Quil replied expectantly, still circling his cereal bowl absentmindedly with his spoon. "I'm the one with the cell phone, remember?"

Blinking, I nodded, studying the ripples of the water inside the glass instead. "Did you talk to her?"

"Yeah, for a minute or two," Quil answered, taking a noisy bite of corn flakes. "She called at, like, the ass-crack of dawn, man. How fucking early does she get up in the morning?

Despite the fiery knot in my throat, I couldn't help the small smile that pulled at my lips. "Way earlier than she should." Taking a deep breath, I snuck a glance at Quil. "What did she want?"

Quil's eyebrows furrowed as he concentrated on chewing. "She wanted to know if you were still here...how you were doing...the usual." It was Quil's turn to shrug, his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat as he swallowed. "I told her you were sleeping, but I was still kind of half asleep myself."

A flicker of hope ignited inside me, but was blown out with a wave of anxiety before it could turn into something more. "What else did she say?" I asked anyway, my need to know getting in the way of the possible consequences.

Quil took another bite, his next words working their way through a mouthful of half-chewed cereal. "She told me to tell you to call her. That she wants to see you, but that she has some stuff to take care of today, and that you should just call her first...yeah, something like that."

"Anything else?" The words were practically a whisper as they fell from my mouth.

"Oh! And I'm supposed to tell you she loves you..."

The simple comfort of the words, even coming from Quil's mouth, was almost enough to dissolve the gigantic knot in my stomach.

"You really should call her too..."

This time, I let go of the glass completely, trying to will away the lead weight as it made a swift return to my insides. My mouth fell open and I stood there for a second, trying to form the words. "I can't..."

Quil scoffed. "Dude, it's not that hard...you pick up the phone, you dial the number, and you hit call. Pretty simple. If I can figure it out, I'm willing to bet you can, too..."

"Quil!" I exclaimed, shooting him another withering but anguished look. "I _can't_...not yet..."

Quil sighed again, except this time the disappointment was replaced by something else.

Understanding.

"She still hasn't told Jake to beat it yet, has she?" The words were soft, patient.

I let my fingers stretch out slowly, trembling against the laminate counter, before pulling them back into fists. Taking a deep, cleansing breath, I shook my head.

"Maybe she's going to," Quil piped up again. "Maybe that's why she called...or maybe she just called because she _does_ love you and you just found out some shit that totally fucked up your life and caused you to sleep on my couch last night." He pushed out the last words quickly, resolutely, like I was an idiot for not thinking the same thing he did.

"It's not just that," I muttered defeatedly.

"No, I get it," he replied. "I've been here too, man. I've seen what Jake's been doing, and I've seen the shit he's pulled. But you wanna know how I see it?" It was a question, but even as I swallowed thickly, I knew he was going to say it even if I didn't ask for an answer. "We've been best friends for, like, ever...you, me, and Jake. I think, after this, he'll remember that...and it'll make a difference. Maybe I'm just too fucking optimistic, but come on...he might think Bella's important to him, dude, but you've been his brother his whole life... _literally_."

My heart pounded against my ribcage, Quil's unfailing optimism – even now, even after everything – trying like hell to resonate somewhere inside me. Regardless, I couldn't bring myself to feel as confident about it because I saw the same things, only I had the most to lose if things didn't change. If something didn't give.

It wasn't selfish.

It was the truth.

"That didn't matter to him before," I whispered. "What makes you think it matters now?"

"Because it's different now," Quil retorted, abandoning his bowl of cereal as he sat it on the counter. "He knows _everything_ , man. It's all out there now."

Worst-case scenarios still buzzed through me, and I couldn't stop them as they collided with one another, creating a mess of doubt inside my head. "But what if it _doesn't_ make a difference?"

"Then fuck him," Quil spat out, and even I could hear the sincerity behind his voice. "If he really hasn't figured out the right thing to do by now, there's no goddamn hope, man. Take Bella and go. Get away from here. Get away from Jake. If he doesn't start fighting for you, he doesn't deserve to have you fight for him as part of this pack."

I blinked, gaping at Quil, who was staring back at me resolutely. "And how's that any better than what he did?"

Quil rolled his eyes. "Well, for starters, we'd actually _know_ about it if that's what you decided to do." He heaved a heavy sigh, pushing himself off the counter. "But let's hope it doesn't come to that."

"You're forgetting one thing," I breathed as I turned to face Quil, the unspoken words bitter on my tongue.

Quil chuckled. "If you're talking about Bella, no, I didn't forget about her." He reached out, pushing my shoulder with his fist, a slight grin pulling at his lips. "You should have a little more faith in her, dude. After all, you know her better than anyone...even Jake."

"I _do_ have faith in her, it's just..."I leaned back against the counter, scrubbing my hands through my hair, fingers twisting through the strands. "I'm scared _shitless_ of losing her...at the possibility of losing her...and that thought alone just...I can't handle it, man. Not right now. Not like this."

Quil's features softened at the distress in my voice. "She's it for you, isn't she? She's it for the wolf too?"

Closing my eyes, my head nodded swiftly and easily.

Quil's sigh was tangible, and I could barely hear the sound of cell phone ringing in the distance. "It'll be okay, man. You'll see."

I tried to latch onto Quil's certain words, using them in place of Bella's for the time being, and I focused on taking deep, cleansing breaths. Focusing. Pushing back. Soothing the wolf, who was stirring – scratching – at the possibility that fell from my own lips. Reassuring him it would be fine.

Reassuring _myself_ it would be.

The ringing grew louder, but I didn't open my eyes, even as Quil pulled the source of the noise from his pocket, answering it. His voice was distant and my mind was somewhere else.

"Dude!"

My eyelids snapped open to see Quil looking at me expectantly. "Who was that?" I asked automatically, the question an afterthought, the words spoken more out of habit than an actual desire to know.

Quil reached out and placed the phone on the counter with a clatter. "Sam. He says we need to get over to his house in the next fifteen minutes."

Blinking, I swept another hand through my hair, knowing Sam's house was the last place I wanted to be in that moment. "For what?"

Quil raised an eyebrow, a gesture that bled with both curiosity and confidence. "Pack meeting."

* * *

**JACOB POV**

My fingers felt like lead, unyielding, wrapped painstakingly around the glass in front of me. It was filled halfway with water, but I hadn't taken a sip out of it since Emily placed the glass in front of me, looking at me with pitiful eyes I hadn't done much to deserve.

Instead, I ignored her. Instead, I just stared at the glass. Gathering my thoughts. Trying to think of what I was supposed to say.

Trying to remember what I came here to do.

I could feel Sam behind me, leaning against the kitchen island. Emily made herself scarce a while ago, and now he was staring. I could feel his eyes burning two perfectly symmetrical holes in the back of my skull. I lost count of the times I opened my mouth to speak, words forming on my tongue, but evaporating just before I closed my mouth.

I tried again.

And again.

But still, the words rested where they formed, thick and tangible in my throat. Swelling with each passing moment they remained there, and it came as no surprise I was soon sucking in deep, cleansing breaths, fighting to push air past the obstruction.

I _knew_ what I had to do.

I _knew_ what I had to say.

This was ending today.

I couldn't fucking do this anymore.

But yet, I couldn't bring myself to simply _say_ it. To do it.

To give up.

To bow out.

To admit I was wrong.

Closing my eyes, I took another slow, drawn-out breath through my nostrils, clasping my hands together and pressing the fist to my mouth.

Remembering...

I hadn't slept a single minute the night before. I went to bed early, avoiding Rachel's twenty questions, knowing it was a conversation we'd need to have soon, but not one I could have that moment. Not when everything was so fresh, grating at my insides like abrasive stone or deconstructing the life I thought I knew with each passing second.

I brushed past my sister, just before pushing my bedroom door closed behind me. Even as the latch clicked into place, I could still feel her standing on the other side, wondering. Wanting to know where I went. What I found out. What it all meant.

But she already knew.

Maybe not everything, but she knew.

I could see it in her eyes.

She was always more observant than I was.

She was always smarter than I was.

But my eyes remained open, every minute for the next eight hours, staring at the ceiling but not really seeing anything. I was silent, stoic. On the outside, I was numb.

But inside, hours removed from the brief moment my mind connected with another – one belonging to someone I'd cared about my entire fucking life but had turned into the enemy the moment I set foot back on La Push – everything came to a head.

Everything was different.

Everything _felt_ different.

Pieces of me fell apart before painstakingly lining back up into neat little rows, allowing me to clearly see every single mistake, every single choice, and every new and existing truth led me to where I was at that moment – awake, the only sound in my ears the amplified ticking of the clock above my dresser.

But it wasn't enough to shut it out.

It wasn't enough to keep those pieces from coming together, to keep them from joining with the first crippling realizations I made in the woods, on my knees. Retching a lie I'd been told my entire life into the ground beneath my hands.

It allowed me to see what I'd been fighting for.

It allowed me to see exactly what I'd done.

What I _hadn't_ done.

Five months earlier, my insides gutted from losing my last parent, I'd fled the reservation because I wasn't sure how to live in a world my father wasn't in. I wasn't sure how to be the man I was supposed to be without him. I wasn't sure how to be the man my father would _want_ me to be.

I ran, with no regard to consequence. With no willingness to see what leaving would do to the people I left behind.

My mind drifted back to the night I found Ben on the floor in his kitchen, to the words he spoke to me. I'd returned to La Push because he helped me see that being a man meant fighting for your family. It meant hanging on to what was important in life before you lost everything.

And I clearly recalled how when I first saw Bella outside her house, something inside me clicked. I told myself I knew what I had to do. I could make it right. I could make _us_ right.

But the longer I looked at her – with each step she took away from me – I saw everything I changed. I saw every choice I altered when I left. It only solidified later when I saw, through Embry, just how different things were in the months I wasn't there. When I saw just how much she changed. When I saw what was important to her _now_.

And I knew the second I did.

I already lost them.

So I made a silent promise to myself. One I never spoke out loud and one I hadn't realized the lengths I'd go to achieve. I wouldn't let go. The voices that tried to tell me otherwise became white noise – static in my ears – and I justified my actions with a single word.

Fight.

Fight for _Bella_.

But it wasn't for her. Even if I didn't know it at the time, I knew now. I wasn't fighting for her. I was fighting to prove a point. To prove I didn't mess up my life by not fighting when I was supposed to.

But I was wrong.

I _fought_ wrong.

I'd done _everything_ wrong.

Lying in my bed, I barely noticed the cold sheen of sweat covering my features. I closed my eyes on the darkness, but sleep was still far out of my reach, remembering the raw pain – the betrayal – seeping from the mind of someone who I once considered my best friend.

From the mind of my _brother_.

I rolled to my side, pinching the bridge of my nose as I fought to inhale, doing little to relieve the tightness in my chest.

The crippling guilt kept it right where it was.

His pain was mine, and I felt every fucking bit of it. I saw everything my father hadn't done. I saw every moment I'd already witnessed of my best friend's life with a stunning and new clarity, because I understood it now. I understood what it did to him then. Why it had been so hard.

And I understood what it did to him _now_. What it did to _me_ now.

There was nothing Billy could do to make up for it. Knowing he could never speak up. Knowing he could never do the right thing. Knowing he could never right eighteen years of wrongs, because he was no longer here.

That much was certain, and it punched a hole in my chest, quickly filling it with a hopelessness I couldn't fathom.

He could never be there for Embry the way he should have.

_The way I hadn't._

My eyes opened swiftly to the darkness, and little by little I could feel the weight inside me lift, dissolving as the pieces inside me pulled together. They fused, slowly, until the same mistakes, the same choices, and the same unforgivable war I fought faded to the back of my mind, making room for something else. A truth I should have always known. One I should have fought for all along.

My father couldn't be there. My father couldn't fight. He couldn't make things right.

_But I could._

I was still here, and I needed to be the man my father _wasn't_.

I needed to fight for the family he _couldn't_ fight for.

For the family he _didn't_ fight for.

I needed to fight for the family that had always been there. The family that was there through everything.

I needed to fight for my pack.

I needed to fight for my brothers.

And I needed to fight for my blood. For the best friend who had been by my side my entire life. Until he wasn't. Until my own stupidity, my own blinding grief, my own choices and my own unforgivable words pushed him away.

The realization burned through me with a renewed strength, the wolf inside me preening with an inherent pride, the dominant blood in my veins thrumming, solidifying what I needed to do. For the good of the pack.

For the good of my family.

But there was more.

Even as I lay there, the sun eventually starting to peek through the dilapidated mini-blinds covering the windows, I remembered what Sam told me in the clearing the day I told him my intentions of taking over the pack. I remembered what he said about sacrifices. I remembered what he said about what it meant to give things up in order to be there for your family. In order to be a good leader.

As the sun crept over the trees outside, Sam's words merged with everything else.

Reinforcing them as I came to grips with something else.

Bella wasn't here.

My heart throbbed in my chest, pushing a blazing heat of realization through my veins when I suddenly saw something else clearer than I ever had before.

On a day when our entire worlds had been turned upside down, Bella wasn't here.

She hadn't stopped by, and she hadn't called.

She hadn't come to _me_.

Not even after Embry and I found out about the secret Billy kept from us.

Not since the day I came back to La Push.

_The difference is though you and I are fighting for two completely different things. You just don't see it._

And it made sense.

I finally understood.

Even if she hadn't told me so – even if the words never left her lips – I knew. The lack of her presence next to me, the absence of the Bella I used to know – the one that considered me the most important person in her life – was a hundred times more telling than any words.

Even if she didn't realize it, Bella already made her choice. One she made long ago. A choice I was responsible for giving her the same day I took all her previous ones away.

And she was my sacrifice – something I had to let go, no matter how hard it was. If there was _one_ thing my father did right all those years ago, it was making a sacrifice himself. Giving up something he may have wanted, but had to leave behind in order to hold together the family he vowed to protect.

And now it was my turn.

I _had_ to make a similar one in order to do the right thing. For Bella. For Embry. For the pack.

For me.

"Jacob..."

Sam's voice jolted me back to the present, the low, concerned timbre of it enough to send a chill through my veins. I blinked, the glass in front of me slowly coming back into focus. My surroundings followed, and I could hear the birds outside, the distant sound of the ocean lapping at the shore. I could smell the pungent, leftover aroma of bacon from a breakfast Emily cooked not that long ago.

This was the moment.

This was _my_ moment.

Placing my hands on the table, I pushed back my chair, lithely rising to my feet. Stepping to the side, I turned to face Sam, who was still watching me, his face calm and stoic. Patient, despite everything. Waiting, although he'd waited long enough for this. They all had.

My jaw set and resolute, I met his gaze with a determined expression.

"I know what I have to do." The words were firm. Definite.

I didn't miss the glimmer of pride as it flashed through Sam's eyes, disappearing just as quickly as it came. Replaced with the same impartiality I could always expect from him. The way he was there for _all_ of us, at the same time. He gave me one curt nod, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

Which is when I heard voices, the approaching sounds of those who needed to be there. Those who needed to witness me doing what I should have done long before.

My heart pounded fiercely, the sound echoing in my ears.

He called them, just as I asked him to.

Sam's eyebrows rose slightly, and his body leaned toward me. "Then do it, Jacob. Make things right. It's not too late. You're their family, and that fact never changed. Take that first step, and if you mean it, they will follow you...eventually. Once you earn back their trust."

It was my turn to nod, the words providing the last semblance of reassurance I needed. Igniting the final bit of strength I required to take the first step toward what I needed to do. The voices and sounds of footsteps grew louder in my ears. I pushed it back, studying Sam's expression for a moment. There was a certainty in it, a trust I hadn't seen in a long time. It was hopeful. It was supportive, despite every reason I'd given him to give up on me.

He believed me, and he believed the sincerity behind words I had yet to speak.

A small smile crept across my lips, and I took a step away from the chair. "Thank you."

He nodded, his eyes holding mine for a moment before jerking away. Toward the source of noise outside.

Toward what was waiting for me, and what I needed to do.

My feet moved without my permission, taking the lead as my body followed, approaching the sliding glass doors leading outside. I watched the pack approaching – Jared and Paul, who looked like they'd just woken up, and Seth, who was grinning at something Jared said. Leah fell into step behind them, wearing a skeptical expression on her face, the weight of everything and desire to see it leave pulling on her features. She'd been closer to this – closer to Bella and Embry than anyone – and it was easy to see the way it affected her too, even if she didn't voice it.

My gaze drifted beyond her, to the crest of the driveway, to Quil and Embry, who were trailing the rest of the group. Quil was a couple steps ahead of Embry, who was understandably hesitant. Whose eyes were trained to the ground, expecting the worst.

A shudder laced up my spine.

Rightfully so, since I'd given him no reason to anticipate anything else.

Amid the clarity I somehow managed to find, my heart no longer bled for itself. It bled for this family. It bled for my brother. It bled for what I'd never said and what I should have done all along.

The strength flowed through every vein in my body, rushing to my fingers as they reached for the door, sliding it open in one swift movement.

Steps fell short as I crossed the threshold. Bodies froze and eyes snapped toward where I stood. Taking one step onto the porch, followed by another, I let my gaze sweep over each one of them, letting it linger on every individual and every face for a few infinite moments.

The looks I received were skeptical. Some were sad, others angry.

But I pressed on. Using a tenacity I was cursed with for something else. Something good. Something worthwhile.

Even if they had yet to see it.

Each second I spent staring into separate sets of eyes swept over something inside me, mending a bond I hadn't realized was as broken as it was. Even if it didn't do the same for them, it did what it needed to for me. Finalizing my decision, and reinforcing the reason behind it.

_Fight for my family._

Finally, my eyes landed on the person I'd destroyed the most. The person I needed to _fight_ _for_ most.

The person whose trust I'd lost completely.

I didn't realize I reached the end of the porch. I could feel Sam at my back, yet my feet carried me down the stairs, my stride purposeful and resolute. My fists clenched and my body was stiff with determination as I moved, and the rest of the pack took instinctive steps back, watching warily, making room as I passed.

My gaze caught Embry's, who finally looked up from where he watched the ground in front of him.

He stopped, but he didn't retreat. His frame tensed inherently as I approached, and Quil took a hasty step backward, falling into step beside Embry and just behind him.

Flanking him.

I didn't miss the stutter in my chest as my steps fell short, as it knocked the breath from my lungs and the intense determination from my legs. I stretched out my fingers at my sides, and I took a deep breath, closing my eyes on Embry's lowered eyebrows and adverse expression.

A moment later, I opened my eyes, and immediately they locked with Embry's stare, which was hesitant. Guarded.

He watched me like a stranger.

_Fight for my brother._

The words erupted inside me, washing over the stoicism I managed to keep in place until then. The distance in his eyes gutted me, because I knew it was me who put it there. It was me who turned from a friend to someone he barely knew. Every mistake I made, every hurtful thing I did, came rushing back the longer he held my gaze, his jaw set tight and his eyes blazing with a million questions he would never put into words.

Forgiveness would not come quickly, nor did I expect it to.

And words wouldn't be enough. I had to do this differently. Apologies wouldn't be enough to fix what I broke. To reassure him I hadn't meant a single word I said.

To promise I wouldn't do what our father did.

To tell him I finally knew what I was fighting for.

My strength left me in that moment, washed away by the waves of memories and remorse flooding through me. It pulled at my body, my frame heavy and lethargic as Embry finally blinked, but refused to look away.

_I had to show him._

So I let myself crumble under the weight of it all. I let myself fall, legs bending beneath me. My head tipping up as his tipped down.

Knees hitting the ground.

A silent gesture. A wordless request.

A desperate plea for forgiveness.

I ignored the sound of movements around me. No one dared to speak as my knees sank into the dirt, the weight of my body pressing against my legs. I didn't blink, and I didn't speak either. I waited, pushing the words – any words – up from my throat as Embry looked down at me, watching, his shoulders rising and falling with heavy, labored breaths.

There was turmoil in his eyes, but there was also understanding.

He knew what I was trying to say.

But I said it anyway, even though I knew it wasn't close to being enough.

"I'm sorry..."

The words were a barely audible breath as they left my lips and traveled the short distance between us, words spoken for myself and spoken for those who no longer could.

It wasn't enough, but it was all I could give in that moment, and I hoped like hell it _would_ be enough.

Eventually, just like Sam said.

I held my breath as Embry swallowed, finally blinking as he took a step back. With the movement, my heart sank a fraction in my chest and I let my breath out in a ragged rush. A wave of crippling defeat tore through me as he looked away, his eyes sweeping over the rest of the pack behind me. Eyes I couldn't see. Reactions I couldn't gauge.

But in that moment, I didn't care.

I forced myself to inhale, and I stayed where I was.

But he looked back, and my breath caught in my throat once again.

He took a step forward.

I searched his eyes, his face, anything that might reveal what was passing through his mind, but he wasn't giving it away. He blinked again, his eyes refocusing over my shoulder as he took another step, followed by a second. As his feet and his body moved to my right.

Around me.

The pang of grief in my stomach was overwhelming, and I squeezed my eyes shut, swallowing back bile in my throat. My arm wrapped around my midsection as my frame threatened to curl in on itself.

But the dejected burn ebbed slightly when I suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder, careful fingers curling around it.

My eyes opened, but I didn't have to look.

He stood beside me, his presence just as tangible as it was in front of me.

He was acknowledging.

And it was all I needed.

The last piece fell into place. Duty, responsibility, _family_ replaced the last shred of selfish desire I clung to, outshining everything else.

Giving me the absolution I was so desperately seeking.

Which, even as his hand withdrew and the heat from his frame disappeared with his footsteps toward the house, was enough. It was the first step on a long road yet to come, the first drops of a storm I was willing to weather.

Because it was a start.

Which was more than I deserved, and more than I could ask for.

 


	36. Now You're Free

_**Suggested Listening: "Unarmed" by Mariah McManus, "To Build A Home" by Cinematic Orchestra, "Make It Without You" by Andrew Belle, "Northern Wind" by City and Colour "Ghosts That We Knew" by Mumford & Sons, "Now You're Free" by Matthew Mayfield, "Say It Again" by Mariah McManus** _

 

" _With anxious devotion and hearts set in motion,_

_We won't have to go this alone._

_I need to you feel it, send kisses to seal it,_

_And walk with me all the way home._

_Don't give up now cos' we're already here…_

_Sing til you mean it, and love til you feel it,_

_Cos' I still believe in your heart._

_Don't let the waves push and pull you away,_

_Now you're free and it sets you apart."_

**BELLA POV**

A low, slow-building clap of thunder rumbled in the distance as I climbed out of my car, fingers gripping tightly around the edge of the door.

Glancing over the hood, I paused for a moment, watching the dark clouds hovering beyond the tree line, materializing before my eyes as they moved in over the ocean toward shore. I blinked, drawing my gaze away from the impending storm. Finally taking a step back, I closed the door, shoving my hands into the pockets of my jeans.

My heart pounded in my chest. Subtle trembles misfired beneath my skin. A crippling wave of nausea swept through my stomach.

The reason I was standing there the cause of it all. Knowing what I was about to do.

I woke up long before dawn that morning, images of the night before filtering through the haze in my mind before it even had time to clear. My chest ached as I silently rolled over to face the door, pulling my knees closer to me. My eyes stared blankly at the red illuminated numbers on my alarm clock, until I closed them, unable to take anymore.

I closed them on the morning. I closed them on the new day, and I wondered.

I wondered about one person.

I wondered about Embry.

If he was awake, or if he was still at Quil's, and if he'd managed to sleep at all. I wondered if maybe he'd gone home, or if he tried to talk to Jacob. I wondered if he was okay, and if he'd needed me.

I wondered a lot of things, but there was one thing I was certain about, confirmed by the anxious feeling scratching inside my stomach. Set by the certainty burning through my veins, and the jarring clarity in my mind, despite the early hour. Despite the sun barely peeking over the trees in the backyard.

I shouldn't have left. I should have been there.

For him.

I _needed_ to be there.

 _With_ him.

Sitting in the car outside Quil's house the night before, my lips had pressed firmly together to keep from saying everything I wanted to, Embry's eyes fixed determinedly on my lap. He lingered, his mouth open slightly, and every ounce of energy in my body tore through my veins, gathering in my hand as I felt it rise, just barely, the same time my ears heard the door handle pull back, and his voice whisper goodnight.

But his eyes caught mine just before he stood from the car, and the _fear_ in them – one that replaced everything else in the immeasurable moment his gaze held mine – was enough to send a chilling shudder up my spine.

"Embry…"

His name slipped effortlessly from my lips, but he was already gone.

And I watched him go, even though it felt like he was taking a part of me with him.

The faint glow of the early-morning light was peeking through my window by the time I reached out, fingers brushing over the items on my nightstand until they located my cell phone.

I'd already made my decision. One I made long before that moment, and one I made before Embry's mother told me her story.

I knew what I wanted. I knew where I needed to be.

I knew the person I was fighting for.

And I couldn't wait.

The urgency stole the breath from my lungs as fingers fumbled over the keys. There would never _be_ a perfect time, because no matter what, Embry needed to know. When everything else in his life was so uncertain, he needed me to remind him my love for him was not one of them.

He needed to know he was _still_ my choice.

To know that choice had never changed.

And that no matter what, we would get through this together.

But there was one thing I needed to do first. One thing I should have done a long time.

One person I had yet to talk to.

Which was why I was standing in front of a little red house, a steadfastness pushing back the anxiety and reminding me why I was there.

I had to say goodbye.

I took a step forward, my foot pressing into the ground before I stopped, a faint vibration coming from inside my jacket pocket.

Frowning, I snapped out of my daze, glancing up at the dark, still house in front of me. I took a languid breath before retrieving my phone, scanning the land surrounding the house when I flipped open the phone without looking to see who it was.

"Hello?"

"Swan! Where the hell are you?" Leah's abrasive, gruff voice cut through the phone as I pulled it slightly away from my ear.

"Good morning to you too, Leah," I murmured, rolling my eyes and letting a small smile spread across my lips, my gaze glancing back at the clouds rolling in from the west.

Leah's snort echoed in my ear. "You have no idea. It's barely past noon and I'm pretty sure I've fucking used up my allotment of interesting for the month...scratch that. For the whole goddamn year."

I frowned, reminding my feet to move as I approached the porch, leaning slightly to the left as I tried to peer in the dark window overlooking the living room. From what I could see, the inside of the house looked barren.

Leah's words were an afterthought as mine drifted somewhere else. "Hey, I'm glad you called actually. Have you seen Embry at all today?"

There was a long pause on Leah's end, and I stopped, suddenly more interested in her silence than what she had to say.

"Yeah, I saw him this morning...and we're supposed to patrol together later this afternoon...why?"

I released an irritated sigh. "Was just wondering," I answered quietly.

"You haven't talked to him at all today?"

"No," I shook my head, the gesture accompanying my answer, "but I've been trying."

"Huh..." Leah's voice trailed off, the silence hanging between us for a handful of seconds, before she drew in a sharp breath. "Hey, you never answered my question."

My body moved off the porch, my shoes kicking up dirt as they hit the path leading to the garage. My gaze turned, automatically redirecting as it swept over the aging building beyond the house, realizing the door was pushed back slightly. A definite sign someone was inside of it.

"I'm at Jake's."

My body jerked, Leah's groan ripping through the earpiece. I brought one hand to my forehead, my eyes closed, losing sight of the garage. "Leah!" I exclaimed, interrupting her before she could say anything. "I just got here. I'm here for a reason, okay?"

"Oh, this should be good..."

"I'm here to say goodbye," I cut her off again, the words falling rapidly from my mouth.

More silence.

Leah drew in a deep breath. "I figured that's what you were going to say, but sometimes I never know with you, Swan."

I took two steps toward the porch, the distant sound of thunder once again rolling through the trees. The air was thick with the smell of inevitable rain. "Leah, I know what I _want_...I'm having faith, remember?" I replied, recycling her words, even though I knew my decision was about much more than faith.

I could almost hear her eyes roll, but she chuckled, the sound light, friendly, and unburdened.

"Took you long enough." Her tone was cutting, but there was a playfulness hidden behind it. A pride I wasn't used to hearing from her.

"You know, Swan, I don't have many friends that are girls. Actually, you're about the only one. Which means I'm really not good at sappy shit, but you know what?" She paused, silently gathering some form of her own courage needed to speak the next words. "I'm proud of you...just so you know."

The smile on my lips spread further, something deep inside me warming at her words. Thankful for an odd friendship I never would have hoped for, but one that was important to me nonetheless.

"Thanks, Leah."

"Whatever," she muttered quickly. "Don't fucking get used to it. Nice shit doesn't come from my mouth very often, so I hope you took good mental notes."

"I'll never let you forget it."

Leah scoffed. "Figured that too." She heaved another loud exhale. "Alright, nevermind me or this phone call. You go, girl...or some shit like that. Call me later...you know...if you need anything."

Looking up, the first drop of rain hit my cheek as I smiled toward the sky. "I will...promise. Oh, hey, Leah?"

"Yes?"

"If you happen to see Em before I do, tell him I'm looking for him, k?"

"Yeah, yeah."

I smiled into the mouthpiece. "Thanks again…seriously. For everything."

"Don't mention it. See you later, Bella."

"Bye, Leah."

Taking a deep breath, I closed my phone, sliding it easily into my pocket. My hands followed suit as I navigated the worn path slowly, remembering the last time I found Jacob in his garage. Remembering how different our lives were then.

Remembering how different I was then.

My heart was pounding fiercely when I reached the corner of the building, letting one hand trail a path along the wood as I approached the door. I could hear the distant sound of music from the radio on his workbench, and the clanging of metal connecting with metal. A part of me wished wildly he'd been anywhere but the garage. Anywhere else would have been easier to talk to him. To tell him I was letting go of _our_ past because it wasn't one I needed anymore.

But as I approached the door, I sucked in one last breath, reminding myself this place wasn't just about Jacob. It wasn't just about what I used to know. Pieces of Embry were here too. Pieces of the person I was now.

Which meant I could get through this, just like everything else, because my eyes were focused on what was on the other side. What would be waiting for me after I did.

Rounding the corner, I finally peered into the garage. A warm light flooded the vast space, illuminating the corners I knew well and the pieces of Jacob's life that occupied it. I held my breath when my eyes rested on Jacob. He was hunched over a car I'd never seen before, arms buried deep inside the guts of the engine. Silver tools lay scattered across the floor and on top of the motor, and he swore under his breath as he twisted at some unknown piece.

If he heard me, he didn't let on.

Leaning against the garage door frame, I crossed my arms in front of my chest. I could hear the first raindrops falling on the tin roof as I let one hand reach out, hesitating for a brief moment as I sucked in a deep breath through my nostrils, knocking lightly on the aging wood.

Jacob didn't look up. He kept working, but a barely-there smile crept across his lips.

"Since when do you need to knock to come in here?"

I let my gaze fall to the floor as I squeezed my arms tighter around me, taking one step into the garage. The pungent smell of motor oil and grease hung in the air, and it automatically brought back a flood of memories. Warm sodas, busted motorcycles – ones from a past I remembered clearly. From days I spent with my best friend.

Ones that still allowed a welcome warmth to spread through me. Ones I wanted to be able to cherish, if only Jacob was receptive to what I had to say. If only he listened to me this time.

When he realized I wasn't speaking, Jacob pulled his hand from the foreign motor, carefully laying the wrench in his hand on the edge of the hood. He leaned against his arms, fingers curling around the car's frame before he looked up at me, his features resigned but soft.

And there was an ease in his eyes, one I hadn't anticipated. One that threatened to yank the air from my lungs.

"Wondered how long it was going to take you to realize I was out here," he murmured, his eyes still watching me intently.

I let my arms fall to my sides, my thumbs hitching in the pockets of my jeans. "You knew I was here?" I asked gingerly.

He nodded, pushing himself off the car in one lithe movement. My gaze followed him as he walked away from the vehicle, approaching his work bench to grabbing a shop cloth already covered in grease. He wiped his hands on it before looking back at me, one eyebrow raised, before he reached out and turned down the volume on the radio. "I heard your car drive up, then you were talking to someone. You could never be a ninja, Bells, so don't quit your day job."

An ounce of resignation lifted from my features when a tentative smile pulled at my lips. "Good thing I'm so good at selling hiking boots, huh?"

Jacob laughed, and the casual sound of it reached inside me, easing the tension plaguing my stomach. It drifted away, lost in the warmth of the garage as he walked back to the car. It wasn't until then I took the time to examine the car – a black, sporty-looking vehicle I'd never seen before.

"Is this that Civic you were talking about?"

Jacob nodded, but my attention was diverted when I noticed the blatant absence of something else. I frowned, my brow furrowing in confusion. "Where's the Rabbit?"

Jacob sighed, bending over to pick a stray tool off the floor. "Sold it," he said shortly. "A couple days ago actually. Gave me some money to buy this thing." He used his hand to motion to the black car. "Figured it was time for a change. A new pile of scraps to fix." There was a subdued excitement in his voice, but there also was a tangible nostalgia, intertwined with a hint of sadness. "I have Ben's truck to get me around for now, if I need it. I gotta take that back eventually anyway. Figured I'd do it sometime next month, before the snow comes. Maybe go see him before Christmas."

My feet inched closer to the black car, my eyes sweeping the contents beneath the hood. "I'm sure he'd like that."

Jacob didn't reply, but he stepped in front of the car, propping one hip lazily against the edge of the hood, his hands resting in his lap. I looked at him, meeting his gaze. His eyebrows arched as he watched me.

I swallowed, ignoring the flare of nerves in my chest, the one both preparing me for and steering me away from any conflict, any opposition, born from the words I was waiting to say.

But there was one question I had to ask first, before another word was said.

"How are you, Jake? I mean...with everything that happened..."

Jacob's face tensed slightly, but it passed as quickly as it came, his eyes sweeping downward, away from mine. "I'm okay, Bells...better than I thought I would be, but...as much as I wanna hate my dad, and even Tiffany Call, for what they did, I can't...I mean, I understand, but I don't. Still...I'm glad I know now."

"Really?" I whispered hopefully, unable to ignore the relief I felt in my veins. Regardless of what happened the weeks leading up to what we learned, I didn't want it to break Jacob. I didn't want him to hurt anymore. He'd been walking a fine line for so long, and the last thing I wanted was for him to have to endure anything more than he already had.

Jake nodded. "Yeah...it kinda helped put a mirror in front of my face, you know? To see what I was doing...what I hadn't done...and what I _should_ be doing."

Another burden floated from my shoulders in the form of a silent gasp, as the words left his mouth. I took another step forward, narrowing the distance between us.

Jacob was still watching me.

"What's on your mind, Bella?" he finally asked, calling me out on my silence. "Something tells me you didn't just come out here to say hi and see how I was."

I blinked, nodding, as my eyes shifted beside him, landing on the car beneath him. "I didn't..." I murmured.

The corner of Jacob's lip turned up when my eyes ventured back to his. He let out a heavy sigh, a knowing and expectant smirk spreading across his mouth. "You came to put me in my place," he stated, the words definite as they worked their way through the space between us, causing my pulse to pound in surprise. "Right?"

Swallowing, I closed my eyes and nodded surely.

Jacob made a noise in his throat, and my eyes snapped open again. He was still watching me, and my stare dug into the expression on his face, trying to decipher it. I wanted to know if the words I was about to say were in the reflection of that same mirror he spoke of. If he'd seen it, and if he knew why I was standing in front of him.

Regardless, it didn't matter. I still had to say it.

"I've made my choice, Jake," I whispered, and his face dropped obliquely, the reality of the words – the undeniable proof in hearing them with his own ears – causing him to pull his eyes away.

"And it's not me," he murmured, the words still not a question as he spoke them.

Taking a deep breath, I shook my head as he finally looked up, his face wearing an eerily calm facade. "I'm sorry, Jake. I tried to tell you that day on the beach...when you told me where you were. I tried to make you see, but everything got so out of hand..." My head still swayed back and forth, my eyes darting away from him for a moment. "And I let it, but I can't anymore. I can't let this go on anymore."

"Bells..." Jake whispered.

"No, Jake," I cut in, the words bubbling from my throat, escaping faster than I could contain them. "You have to know. I'm not the same person you left. I'm not...and you have to see it. You have to see how I feel about Embry. That after you walked away, he was _always_ my choice, and I'm _not_ going to walk away from him. I won't, and I shouldn't have to. And I need you to understand that..."

"Bells," Jake interrupted me, his eyes widening slightly as he tipped his head toward me, silencing me where I stood. "I _know_."

My lips parted, but nothing came out, the rest of what I had to say frozen in my throat. I shook my head, letting out a lungful of air.

"You do?" I finally breathed, the words almost inaudible.

He nodded adamantly. "Yeah..." He let a thoughtful smile play at the corners of his mouth, his gaze dropping to his lap. "I _always_ knew, Bells...from the day I got back. I just didn't want to see it...but I know. I know he loves you, and I know you love him. And I'm not going to pretend like that's not the case...that it doesn't exist...because it does."

He took a deep breath, the edges of it ragged. My body remained frozen as I listened, my expression stoic and rapt. "And it's my fault," he continued, his fingers lacing together in his lap. "It's my fault for leaving, but it doesn't matter, because you found your way without me. You _both_ did...and that's okay. And I'm so sorry for everything I did..."

"Jacob..." I whispered, the meaning of his words slowly permeating the anxiety I'd let build up to this moment, each one sinking in, squeezing and stilling the pounding heart in my chest. It was an apology that meant something. One I could cling to and one I could count on.

_He was walking away._

My eyes fluttered closed, and I held my breath.

_He was letting go._

"And you don't have to ask me to stop...because I'm going to step back," he interrupted, pulling the words from my head in his own way. His eyes were sincere as they found mine again, as I studied them. "I'm not gonna stand in the way...and you have my word this time, Bells. My promise, because I'm never going to break another one I make to you. I swear I won't..."

My eyes stung, but I resisted the urge to reach up and brush away the tears I knew rested there. My stomach knotted fiercely, filled with a paralyzing hope. His words were the cause, and mine were no longer necessary.

"Jake, I..."

My voice cut off when he stood suddenly, closing the short distance between us, his arms raising as he gently grasped my shoulders. I tipped my head up to look at him, chewing on the inside of my lip, my shoulders rising and falling with heavy breaths.

"I'm not gonna fight anymore, Bells, at least not for the same thing I was before," he insisted gruffly, his stare piercing directly into mine. "Remember what I told _you_ on the beach?"

I swallowed, nodding. "That you came back to fight for your family."

His head bobbed in acknowledgement, the smile once again playing at his lips. "And I'm _going to_...the right way this time, because there's too much at stake if I don't. A family I need, and a brother I don't want to lose."

I blinked wildly, but my eyes burned anyway, and I couldn't stop a lone, indebted tear from escaping the corner of my eye. My chest tightened with an overwhelming appreciation – not quite masking a buried, natural pride I felt for the man standing in front of me, for the goodness I knew he held inside him – and I couldn't contain my own smile as it spread easily across my lips.

"Does he know?" I whispered.

Jacob's eyes softened, his lips pressing together as he nodded again. "And I know it won't fix everything right away, but I'm gonna try...I'm gonna do what should have been done a long time ago. And I'm not gonna take anything else away from him, Bells."

My head dipped, my frame shaking with suppressed cries as I hid my smile, another tear disconnecting from my skin as it hit the dirt at my feet. The same time I felt Jacob's fingers tighten around my shoulders.

"C'mere..."

Before I could protest, I was swept into Jacob's huge, blazing arms as they wrapped around my frame, pulling me in for a bone-crushing hug that used to take my breath away. But now, I kept breathing, relaxing into it instead. Using it as a way for him – for me – to say goodbye without words. To part with a past we both wanted once, but one that didn't exist in this moment, and wouldn't in what was to come.

"I'll always love you, Bells...I meant that, too, when I told you," he whispered into my hair. "You're my best friend, and no matter what, I _don't_ want that part of us to change."

"Me neither," I murmured into his shoulder. "And I'll always love you...for the same reason, and I don't want you to think for one second I'm not grateful for the life you gave me then, or the time we spent together. I'll always be thankful for it, Jake...for your friendship."

Swallowing back tears, my fingers curled around his midsection, pushing my body back slightly. Breaking the embrace. Jacob pulled away, peering at me through dark but steady eyes.

"But I need some time...we do...Embry and me," I murmured, my face sincere while I watched him carefully. I took a step back, sweeping away the moisture on my cheek with the back of my hand. "Some time to get _us_ back...and you need time too. Time for the two of you to make things right, before it can happen...before you and I can find that friendship again." I released my hold on him before taking a step back. "I hope you can understand..."

Jacob nodded, taking his own step back until he once again leaned against the hood of the car. "I do," he acknowledged. "And I'll be here...for _both_ of you...when you're ready."

An effortless and genuine smile pulled at my lips, until his mouth mirrored mine. I drew in a deep, easy breath, expelling with it the last bit of anxiety and fear my body held.

As the last invisible cord tethering me to my past dissolved.

Jacob turned away before I did, disappearing into the back of the garage before I took a step back, followed by another. Each one was easy, and I eventually turned, each step lighter than the next, as every word that passed between Jacob and I sank in. As I fully realized what he'd done for himself, and what he'd selflessly done for Embry. And through that, realizing what he'd done for me.

He'd stepped back, finally making room for the life we built in his absence. Finally agreeing to find his place in it.

Finally agreeing to fight for the family who still very much wanted and needed him in it.

And even though I knew it would take time, the sincerity behind his words and what he'd done made my breath catch in my lungs and my chest ache with pride.

The rain on my face mixed with thankful tears as I pushed through the downpour, my stride resolute. Unabandoned. Wanting.

Despite the rain falling from the sky, the clouds finally parted, making room. Clearing the way, and I could feel the unmistakable strength of it. The definitive proof in my haste as I reached my car, fingers fumbling with the door handle.

Determined to find the one person I wanted in my _own_ life. Now, and every day after.

Because, _finally,_ nothing was standing in our way.

* * *

Ten minutes later, I stood outside another door, drawing in deep breath after deep breath, filled with a delirious anticipation I still couldn't wrap my head around.

It all felt familiar – the drive here, my feet leading me to the porch on which I stood. The nerves and cells misfiring throughout my body. My stomach knotting and unknotting.

For the person I hoped was waiting for me on the other side of the door.

Familiar, but completely different at the same time.

Holding my breath again, I lifted my fist and knocked, the sound echoing through the wood beneath it.

Shifting my weight from one foot to the other, my fingers curled into my forearms as I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth. I felt like I was floating, my nerves still on fire with what I'd just done and what was said. The palpable certainty coursed through my veins, caused by the closure Jacob and I so desperately needed.

I felt stronger than ever before – weightless – and I couldn't help the smile that spread across my lips as I heard a pair of footsteps approach the door from the other side.

My breath left me as the door swung open, my gaze snapping up to reveal someone I did not but should have expected.

"Tiffany..."

Embry's mother let her hand fall from her hip, ignoring the surprise in my voice as she returned my smile with a soft one of her own. Her long hair was swept in a bun, and she was wearing a pair of black pants and a white button-down shirt. Beyond her attire, there was a lightness to her features, a sharp contrast from the woman who only twenty-four hours earlier allowed me to hear a secret she kept buried inside her for so long.

"Hi, Bella." Her voice was tentative but welcoming, and my grip on my forearms relaxed. "What brings you by?"

Blinking, I couldn't help it as my gaze drifted over her shoulder, peering inside the quiet house. "Is...is Embry here?" My eyes snapped back to hers, gauging her reaction, silently trying to tell if she'd seen or talked to him since I saw her last.

Tiffany leaned against the door, her fingers curling around the wood. "No, honey, he's not here."

"Oh...okay." My heart sank into my stomach, my stare drifting toward the wooden porch beneath my feet. "Have you seen him at all today?"

The smile tugged at her lips again. "He was here for a few minutes this afternoon."

I let out the breath I hadn't realized I was holding, fighting the grin threatening to overtake my features. "He came home?" I ventured tentatively, rocking forward and pressing my weight against my tiptoes.

She nodded. "Well, it _seemed_ that way," she replied, her eyes flitting over my shoulder, her mind somewhere else for a moment. "I was in the middle of making lunch and he just walked in. Didn't say much. In fact, he didn't say _anything_ at first. Just went to his room to change his clothes, but he came into the kitchen on the way out..." She paused, and there was no mistaking the shift in her features, pools of moisture collecting in the corners of her eyes. "He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek, told me he loved me, and he was gone...that was it."

My heart swelled in my chest all over again, aching with relief at the subdued elation in her expression, a minute joy seeping from her features caused by the simple action. Embry always said things best without words. When he spoke them, they always mattered, but everything else came through what he did. How he felt, and how he showed it.

And she knew it as well as I did.

He may not have spoken it. He may not have stayed long, but he'd taken the first step. His own step. One needed to eventually forgive his mother, forgive her past, and forgive the choice she made.

"I'm glad," I whispered, nodding my head softly.

Tiffany let out a slow sigh. "Me too." My stomach tightened as I watched her eyes blink rapidly, fighting back grateful tears. "I have no idea where that boy got such a big, compassionate heart, but I am so thankful." She reached up, sweeping a trail of moisture from her cheek. "I was so damn scared there for a second, Bella...I honestly don't know what I'd do without him."

I stepped forward, fighting the compulsion to reach out and take her hand. "You shouldn't be. You're his mother...his family. You mean more to him than anything."

Tiffany chuckled, brushing the other side of her cheek, sniffling as she leaned against the door frame. Her eyes traveled down before she reached out, a nostalgic warmth flooding through her brown eyes as her fingers brushed across the pendant, resting easily on my collarbone. Where it always was. "I'd say I might share that distinction with someone else now."

I could feel the blush creep up my cheeks, masking a small smile as my eyes redirected to the porch. "That's kinda why I need to talk to him. If you see him again, will you tell him to call me?"

"Actually, Bella, I'm just on my way to work, so I won't be home if he shows up." I looked up, and she was watching me expectantly. "Do you want to wait here?" One brow arched high over her eye.

I considered it for a split second before shaking my head. "No, that's okay. Maybe I'll just try calling again later."

Tiffany nodded in understanding as I took a step back. "Alright, Bella. Take care of yourself, okay?"

"I will." I smiled as my body turned, my gaze lingering on Embry's mother. After a few seconds, I let the smile fall, face dipping toward the porch. I raised the zipper on my jacket, prepared to make the run to my car in the rain.

"Bella, sweetheart..."

I looked up in time to see Tiffany step across the threshold, her body colliding with mine as her arms wrapped around my frame. She smelled of freesia and vanilla, and her hold was soft. Welcoming. Grateful.

Resting my cheek against her shoulder, I let out a breath. Closing my eyes as my fingers curled around her shirt.

"Thank you, Bella. Thank you for being there for him last night," she whispered into my hair, and I could feel her hand cup the back of my head, fingers ghosting softly across the strands. "I don't know what happened, or what was said, but he came home. This didn't break him... _somehow_...and no matter what, I know you're a big part of that, because I can _feel_ how much you love him. How important he is to you. And I think he just knows...that even though the past is filled with so many painful ghosts, he has so many better days to look forward to. Days with _you_."

Standing there, I let her hold on to me, silently letting her believe it had everything to do with me but inwardly knowing there was more. Knowing what Jacob had done for him, and knowing why he did it.

Knowing that when Jacob chose to fight for Embry – to give him the family he never had – it resonated somewhere inside him, and quite possibly helped him hang on a little tighter to the family he did have. The mother that had always been there, despite her mistakes. Despite what those mistakes meant to his past.

Because she was still a part of his future. She would still be there when all of it was over.

Just like me.

"You're welcome."

Tightening my hold on Tiffany, I blinked back the searing moisture in my own eyes once the reply left my mouth, a part of me savoring her words. Knowing she was right.

Knowing it was finally time to move forward.

_For good._

* * *

The sound of a car passing by outside pulled me from my book, eyes glancing out the window as I watched its tail lights disappear from view.

With a silent sigh, my gaze traveled back to my lap, marking my page. I moved the blanket from my lap before sitting the book on the end table. The house was noiseless as I stood, yet I could just make out the sound of Charlie snoring upstairs as I quietly moved to the end of the coffee table, turning off the lamp on the stand next to the couch as I passed.

The room was bathed in darkness, the only light emanating from the kitchen, filtering through the hallway as I walked across the living room and into the entryway. I could hear the clock in the kitchen ticking as I approached the doorway, marking the seconds as they passed. Effortlessly moving time forward.

Taking a deep breath, I leaned against the doorway to the kitchen, peering into the room to look at the clock.

_Twenty after midnight._

My head tipped toward the floor and I closed my eyes, leaning my head against the painted wood. I'd been home for hours, and I'd thrown myself into all the numerous, mundane tasks I could think of to past the minutes. Biding my time. Waiting patiently.

Because despite the heaviness in my chest – the coldness in the palm of my hand, and the warmth missing from inside me – I refused to worry. I refused to be discouraged.

I couldn't be, because it was finally over.

And Embry would be here.

Just like he always was.

I pushed myself off the door frame, moving into the kitchen, taking a moment to peer aimlessly out the window over the sink before reaching above it to shut the light off there too.

I paused, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath in the darkness.

The sound of a soft knock from the front door echoed in my ears.

My heart automatically sped up, fingers curling around the counter top as I threw a look over my shoulder toward the entryway. A small part of me wondered anxiously who it could be with as late as it was, but a bigger part of me already knew. The same part that caused me to back away from the sink, turning fluidly as I swiftly returned to the front door.

I didn't bother to ask who it was. I didn't bother to peek out the window to see. Reaching up, my fingers fumbled with the chain lock, moving down and twisting the deadbolt, before ultimately landing on the door handle. My fingers shook as I turned it, but the rest of me leapt forward with anticipation.

I swung the door open effortlessly, eyes sweeping up as they landed on the hand I was lacking. The person I was missing.

The warmth I needed.

"Embry..."

The whisper of his name, the sound of it falling from my lips, cut loose the final frail cord holding me back, freeing a heart from burdens it always carried but never really understood why.

Because he _was_ here.

He was standing in front of me. Just like I knew he would be.

But this time, it was different.

It had _always_ been different with him.

And it only confirmed – it only strengthened – something I already knew.

I stood, frozen, my body rooted in place but my gaze sweeping over his relaxed frame, taking in everything I _never_ knew I wanted. Everything I couldn't fathom letting go again, now that he was here.

Because we'd overcome everything. Every obstacle, every test. When death, loss, secrets, and broken promises became too much, we'd still come out stronger. We still managed to find our way to each other.

And the reality of it – the truth in where our roads were leading us – was finally standing in front of me, peering back at me through dark, hooded eyes.

His face was a million times lighter than the one that turned away from me the night before, and it echoed the indescribable freedom weaving its way through my body, appearing in the form of a small smile. I let my gaze slowly travel over his body, every memorized curve and every perfect facet and flaw I knew by heart. Savoring them. A cloudiness still rested in his eyes, but there was a sparkle, a security – a love – in the corner of each one, overtaking the darkness the longer he stood there, watching me.

When he let a small smile pull at the corner of his lips, I finally realized I stopped breathing long before that moment.

"Hey," he whispered, his expression shifting as he took in the easy smile I managed to offer him in return.

"Hi," I replied, the words barely audible as I leaned against the doorframe, pulling my arms across my chest. I ignored the frantic fluttering in my stomach. "You're here."

He nodded, letting his eyes fall to the porch before they tentatively peered back up at me, brushing a strand of hair from his forehead. "Yeah..." His voice dropped off for a moment, and I didn't miss the tiny smirk as it flickered across his features. "Sorry I'm late."

I drew my bottom lip between my teeth to keep my smile from widening, rubbing my hands up and down my arms as a cool wind cut through the porch. "It's okay...I knew you'd be here. Who's message did you get?"

His shoulders shook with a suppressed laugh, but he didn't look away, his head tilting slightly as he took a deep, silent breath. Finally, he hitched his thumbs in his pockets, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. "Quil's...and Leah's...except she told me if I didn't get my ass over here, she would turn my balls into a necklace."

Chuckling, I dropped my gaze to the porch beneath his feet before taking a step back. "Is that a direct quote?"

"I mighta dropped a few expletives from it."

Smiling, I silently decided to cut the small talk, ripping my eyes from the porch as I reached behind the door to grab my jacket. I could feel Embry watching me as I pulled it on, zipping it up in one swift motion before stepping back out to the porch. He matched my movements, taking a step back to allow room as I pulled the door closed behind me.

The air outside the house was chilly but not unbearable. The rain had passed a few hours earlier, and one glance toward the sky revealed sparse patches of stars dotting the black expanse. I reached the steps in a few strides, descending the first one before letting myself collapse onto the porch. Leaning forward slightly, I looked up at Embry, who was peering down at me, the same look from when I opened the door attached to his features. I offered him a smile, ignoring the trembling in my fingers as I patted the spot next to me with my hand.

His eyes were quiet as he complied, situating himself next to me in one graceful movement. He rested his forearms against his thighs, tipping his head toward me, watching me intently. His shoulders jerked as he drew in a sharp breath, his brow furrowing slightly. "Bella...I'm sorry I didn't let you stay last night."

I dropped my gaze, my eyes watching his fingers move over each other from where they intertwined over his knees. Wanting to cover them with my own. "It's okay, Em."

He shook his head. "No...it's not. I just...had too much on my mind, and I _couldn't_..." His words became stuck in his throat, and he threw his gaze out toward the street, lips parted as he tried to think of the best thing to say. "I needed you there _too_ much, Bella. More than I could _ask_ you to be there."

I shivered, knowing exactly what he was trying to say.

"Embry..." He blinked wildly before sucking in another breath, his eyes dark and needy when he finally looked at me. I leaned my cheek against my fist, offering him a tiny, comforting smile. "I meant what I said to you last night. Every word of it was the truth."

He nodded. "I know," he murmured, holding my eyes with his. "I just...I finally understood what you were saying last night. About how things were, and what it meant for us...and I couldn't pretend like there weren't things that still needed to be said." His gaze flitted down, watching something below my face. "I wanted you there, Bella...more than anything...but not before I knew for sure."

I swallowed thickly, fingers curling around my thigh. "Knew what for sure?"

Embry inhaled slowly, his eyes fluttering closed before he pushed the air out of his lungs. "That I wasn't going to lose you, too." I could feel my hand lifting instinctively, yet again, as he turned his face away from me, his hand scrubbing roughly through his hair.

My brows pulling low over my eyes, I shook my head, even though he couldn't see me. "Embry..."

"I was scared...like, _really_ fucking scared, because everyone else walked away," he continued, speaking the words to the darkness but intending them for me. "Billy, Jake...and I've never doubted you, Bella...ever...but I promised myself I'd never _make_ you choose, and last night, I wanted you to say the words for _me_...not you...just so I'd know you'd be there when all this was over. So I pushed you away...for a split second...for me, and for you."

"But you're here now," I whispered steadfastly, leaning forward slightly, trying to catch his gaze.

A small smile pulled at his lips and he nodded, his eyes dropping to his lap. "I'm here now," he repeated.

"Which should tell you something," I urged quietly.

He nodded again, finally looking back at me. "It does. It tells me that I was stupid for doubting you...for doubting _myself_...because you've _always_ been there for me, Bella, even before you realized it." He blinked, his body leaning toward mine just slightly before he spoke. "And the moment I stop letting you be there is the moment I've lost everything..."

My mouth opened, a welcome shudder working its way up my spine. I wanted to tell him what I knew – to reassure him that he wasn't going to lose me – when his eyes fell to the same spot they rested earlier. His shoulders shifted as he breathed, one hand releasing the other as it reached up toward me. My heart stuttered, anticipating his touch. Racing, as his fingers gently sought out the pendant hanging from my neck.

The silent energy between us was palpable. He let his fingers linger for another second before pulling them away slowly, his gaze staying where it was, lips pressed into a thin, unsure line. My mouth was still open, unable to speak. Waiting for him instead.

"You didn't take it off..."

I frowned in spite of myself, my own fingers traveling up my midsection to clasp the purple pendant. I shook my head, finally finding my voice. "Why would I take it off?"

Embry smiled, leaning forward, his elbows pressing into his knees. He turned his head to look at me. "I just...I didn't know if you'd keep wearing it, now that you know the story behind it." He inhaled before his eyes traveled down to where the pendant dangled from its chain.

I shook my head again, a chuckle escaping my lips. "I don't think I _could_ stop wearing it...even if I wanted to, especially now that I know where it came from. What it meant..." I peered down, just barely able to see the gem where it rested. I leaned into Embry instinctively, my shoulder brushing his, giving birth to an anticipant shiver as it crept its way through my limbs.

I took a deep breath, calming the impatient flutter in my belly as the heat from his body soaked through my jacket. "Billy gave it to your mother because it was the only part of him he could, right?" I tipped my head up, eyes sweeping over his rapt expression. "Well, it's like everyone kept telling me...everything happens for a reason. He could have kept it but he didn't. _Your mother_ could have kept it but she didn't."

I couldn't wait any longer.

My fingers reached up without permission, moving on their own, not waiting for my head to catch up. The tips grazed Embry's jaw. I felt _everything_ , inside and out, but he didn't do what he normally did. He didn't lean in. His eyes didn't close.

Instead, he watched me. Captivated by my words. Waiting to see what I would say next.

I bit my lip, quickly, before releasing it with the tiniest of smiles, letting my confidence – my certainty – pour through the expression. "She gave it to you, so you could do the right thing with it...so you could give it the way he wished _he_ could have, had things been different."

Embry let out a rough breath, his gaze faltering as it fell to my lap. His shoulders rose and fell as he fought to catch the air escaping him.

I still watched him intently, drawing one leg back, tucking it beneath me as my body turned to face him. I reached up again, letting my fingers gently drift through his hair just above his ear. I could feel the warmth returning, the pieces falling into place the more I did. The more I touched him. The longer we stayed like we were, and the closer I got to saying what I needed to say. To him hearing what he needed to hear, even if he had never stopped believing the words.

Finally, after an infinite number of moments, he looked up. The distant hum of a car on the highway was lost in the night as eyes found mine, drifting down, across my lips and back again. I drew in a quiet, shallow breath, trying not to lose myself in the paralyzing gaze affixed to mine.

"Embry...giving it to me wasn't a mistake," I murmured, swallowing past the sudden obstruction in my throat. One there for all the right reasons. "You gave it to me for the same reasons...so I'd always know how much you loved me, but for another reason, too..." A tingling warmth spread through my veins, my fingers drifting against his skin. "Because I was your choice, and that wasn't a mistake...because you're mine, too."

He let out a breath I hadn't realized he was holding, and this time, he didn't fight it as he brushed his cheek against my palm, a reserved but genuine smile easily spreading across his lips. One I hadn't seen in so long. I bit down on my lip to restrain my grin from spreading any farther, the same time I felt a drop of moisture work its way slowly down my cheek.

"Bella..." His voice was soft, his own hand outstretching, the back of his finger catching the tear.

I leaned forward, my other arm lifting, and I could still feel the heat from his fingers on my skin when I took his face between both hands. Still smiling, I closed my eyes, moving closer. Pressing my forehead to his, and feeling his breath on my lips. My skin was cool against his, but the contact – his scent, the feel of him beneath my fingers – only added to the certainty pulsing through my body.

"But that's the thing, Embry," I whispered, pulling back just enough to see his face. To see his brow pull down between his eyes, lips parting slightly as if he was about to speak. I shook my head, letting the rest of the words fall free. "You'd never have to _ask_ me to choose, because I already _did_. I _already_ chose you. That night on your porch, my birthday, the night in the garage, when you kissed me on the beach, when you forced me out of that house using your truck as bait..." A laugh tumbled from my lips when his eyes dropped to my lap, an automatic grin spreading across his features. "When you drove me home the night Billy died..."

My voice caught in my throat, his features softening knowingly as he watched me.

As everything I was saying came together, lifting a final weight I never knew was there.

Acknowledging the fact he was _always_ meant to be a part of my life.

"All those times," I pressed on, "when I was rebuilding my own life... and when you rebuilt yours. All those times, even if I didn't know it then, _you_ took what I was building and made it _better_. All that time I was where I needed to be...but more importantly, I was where I _wanted_ to be...and that _never_ changed."

His steady gaze still pierced through mine as he lifted his hands again, one closing over the one pressed to his face, the other moving gently through the hair above my temple, above my ear, until I felt the tips of his fingers brush my neck. Drawing in his warmth the longer they lingered there.

I let my hands glide downward, moving over his shirt and pressing against his chest. His heart raced beneath my palms. I leaned into his touch, unyielding against my skin.

My eyes shifted, watching my own fingers as they curled into his body. Hanging on, and completely unwilling to let go.

"So I guess what I'm trying to say," I whispered, knowing he would hear every word, "is everything that happened to us...and everything that happened _before_ us...was not a mistake, Embry. _We_ were not a mistake. And you're not going to lose me...ever. Because I will always fight for you...the same way you fought for me. I will always _choose_ you, because I don't want to go another day without being next to you."

I looked up in time to see his blinding smile, my words floating in the space between us. Everything we'd overcome was forgotten as it all melted from his expression, an indescribable relief – a freedom – washing through his eyes as they tipped toward the sky before coming down. Focusing on me as his hands lifted, taking my face between blazing palms.

"I love you," I whispered, leaning toward him as I spoke. "So much."

The smile I was drawn to said more than words ever could as he leaned forward, closing the distance between us, lips finally covering mine with a need I wanted and a love I craved and felt from every corner of my soul. I was drawn into him, tasting him. Feeling him everywhere. Reveling in the way his mouth felt against mine. Memorizing him all over again.

Even though I knew I didn't have to.

When he pulled away, I trembled fervently beneath his hands, necessary, grateful tears leaving long, wet trails down my cheeks. I closed my eyes as he turned his hands, brushing the moisture from my skin as he leaned forward again, pressing numerous gentle, needful kisses to my lips.

"I love you too, Bella," he whispered, so quietly I found myself needing to be closer, sweeping the words from his lips with mine. "More and more...every damn day."

I closed my eyes as he pulled back slightly, his hands smoothing my hair back from my face, his mouth leaving soft, insistent kisses on my cheeks. Washing away the tears, and drawing one last smile from my lips as I leaned into his hand, my fingers inherently intertwining through the strands of hair at the nape of his neck.

"Say it again."

The words were whispered arduously in my ear, and the fluttering in my stomach was set free as I pulled back, my mouth brushing against his palm, lips parting to murmur the words into his skin. Words I'd said before – words that held a truth he always knew – but ones I'd never stop telling him, so long as he wanted to hear them.

"You're my choice, Embry."

I turned, recapturing his mouth with mine, arms wrapping around his neck. Holding him to me.

"My choice..." I whispered again, my breath mixing deliriously with his before the words were ushered away by his lips, my hands clinging to his body. His claiming mine once again.

Solidifying a promise without words.

Promising a love that was already ours.

Ending a journey that put us exactly where we were meant to be.

Where _I_ was meant to be.

Right here, lost and warm in the presence of a man who held my heart securely in his hands.

And for the first time since that night on the beach, when his lips hesitantly pressed to mine and our world irrevocably shifted beneath our feet – laying out a new path for our lives we never could have imagined – it was just us.

Choosing each other all over again.

Moving forward, and never looking back.

 

**~* The End *~**

 


	37. Epilogue: Mine

_**Suggested Listening: "I Try" by The Staves, "Love You More" by Alexi Murdoch, "Cover Your Tracks" by A Boy And His Kite, "New For You" by Reeve Carney, "A Song for You" by Amy Winehouse** _

The barely-there graze of skin on skin woke me long before the sun.

My eyelids fluttered open blearily, my cheek pressed into the cool, white cotton of the pillow. An accidental smile spread across my lips long before the haze in my brain dissipated. Before I could realize just what it was that pulled me from sleep.

A content hum erupted from my throat when blazing hands curled around my sides, soft lips pressing hesitant, tantalizing kisses to my spine. Taking a scintillating path already memorized.

The heat was familiar, the blaze spreading through my veins one I knew just as well.

I blinked again, and I knew who it was, even though there was never any question.

And it also was someone who was _not_ supposed to be there.

The warm, wet kisses reappeared between my shoulders, making a trail along smooth skin, climbing toward the base of my neck. I shivered beneath their gentle intensity, silent until I felt a soft nip of teeth just below my pulse.

My smile broadened, and a pleased groan slipped past my lips. I reached up behind me with one arm this time, hand seeking out silken strands of hair, twisting it through my fingers.

"You're gonna be in trouble," I murmured sleepily, the words breaking the pungent silence of the air surrounding us, which was just beginning to see the first touches of morning light through the thin, gauzy curtains covering the windows.

"Who says?" The voice was low, breath fanning across my ear, causing goosebumps to erupt across my skin.

I let my eyes open all the way, the glow of dawn allowing me to recognize the dips and curves of the copper arm beside me, supporting him as he hovered over my body. Sighing lazily, I stretched my limbs, twisting my body at the same time until I was no longer lying on my stomach. Until I was on my back, peering up at the offending mouth that woke me, one attached to the man I loved more than anything else in the world.

I reached up, pushing the loose strands of hair off his forehead as he peered down at me, the remnants of a broad smile still hanging on his lips. The sight of him through early-morning eyes was almost enough to take my breath away. It was a face I woke up next to every morning, but one I never got used to seeing. One I never got _tired_ of seeing beside me.

One that never failed to remind me that every choice I made leading up to this day was the right one.

"Says _me_ , Embry," I whispered, eyebrows arching expectantly as I let my fingers trail down the length of his arm. I tore my eyes from his features, petulantly retraining my gaze on the ceiling just past his shoulder. "You're supposed to be at Quil's. He had one job...to keep you there...but here you are."

Embry ignored me completely, lowering himself against my body, pressing against it. He buried his nose in my neck, inhaling sharply before placing another kiss just below my jaw. I rolled my eyes playfully, miserably fighting a grin, my arms lifting automatically and wrapping around his body.

Keeping him there, despite what I said.

"Don't be mad at Quil." His voice buzzed across the parts of my skin still tingling from his lips. "He's got the attention span of a five-year-old...plus, I snuck out. I hate his couch, and I missed our bed, Bella...I missed _you_."

I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth, my eyes continuing to adjust to the fading darkness. I wanted to be mad, but I couldn't. And I didn't tell him how it took me nearly three hours to fall asleep that night. How I missed him, too. How I missed his warmth beside me, a feeling I once took entirely too long to realize I needed next to me.

Instead, I let it all slip out in the form of another sigh, fingers playing absentmindedly with his hair. In the past two years, he'd let it grow out slightly, and it just barely grazed the tops of his shoulders. Even as the months passed, it made him seem younger, the burden and the hardships of everything that came before it – that came before _us_ – evaporating from his features, little by little, with every passing day.

"You gonna kick me out?" The question was whispered against my flesh as he pulled back, pushing up against his hands, his lips now ghosting across my clavicle. I held my breath, scrambling to gather my thoughts when his nose pushed the strap of my sleep shirt out of the way.

I pushed my hands through his hair once more, my eyes fluttering closed in response to his movements. I let my head rock back and forth, feeling his tongue as it darted out to taste my skin.

"No," I whispered resolutely, reminding myself to breathe as one large hand grazed across my stomach, "but I _am_ gonna kill Quil. You _know_ it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding..."

His chuckle spread through my veins like sweet syrup, crystallizing, until it felt like I'd shatter beneath his hands.

"I think we'll be okay, Bells..."

And we _had_ been okay.

In fact, everything in the past two years had worked out exactly as it should have. Life moved along in a way better than we could have imagined, considering everything we overcame in order to find the right path. Somehow, pieces fell into place and each one of us managed to put the past behind us and move forward, whether it meant finding the strength we always had or finding what exactly we were meant to fight for.

The pack.

Embry and I.

Even Jacob.

A few months after he and Embry learned the truth about their father – after Jacob's final apology – Sam relinquished his role as Alpha and allowed Jacob to step up, taking his rightful place as leader of the pack. Seeing Jacob step back from the war he waged upon returning to La Push, seeing him sacrifice what he needed to – seeing him fight for them and fight for his family, his _blood_ – made it easy for the pack to support the decision.

And Jacob never faltered. He never stepped out of line. He never pushed. He knew his role and he knew what he stood for. His passion and the loyalty that shone bright in his eyes pieced together bonds and mended friendships on the verge of destruction. It intensified the bond between each and every one of the pack members, and they stood behind him without question.

Every one of them, including Embry.

The damage had been done between Embry and Jacob, and the process of rebuilding the friendship and trust they once had was slow. While Embry was open to it, he was understandably hesitant, yet Jacob's unfailing tenacity was used for something else. Something different. Something worth _everything_ to him. He capitalized on it and showed him how the bond between him and Embry – the bond between brothers – was more important than anything else.

Jacob named Embry second-in-command of the pack after the first year passed, and while Embry was surprised, nobody else was. It was a natural move, and the trust Jacob held for Embry was still there. And slowly, with the distinction of responsibility and the time spent together with the pack, the trust Embry once had for _him_ was arduously but eventually restored.

As a result, the pack was stronger than ever before.

I witnessed every moment through words whispered between small slivers of space, my body curled into the warmth of Embry's, my head resting against his chest as we lay in bed, closing out our day the same way we always did. I smiled whenever he shared stories of time spent with Jake. I smiled for the family Embry finally had – one outside of myself – and for the strength Jacob finally found to put it before everything else, including me.

Because I was right where I needed to be, and so was he.

I loved Jacob and I always would. He had been my best friend once, and I cherished the time before our lives were irrevocably altered by death, mistakes, and choice. I cherished because I _could_ now. He made it easy, and while we never quite regained the friendship we had prior to Billy's death, I was grateful he remained in our lives. I took his apologies and everything that happened in the two years following and allowed a new respect for him to form – a new trust. He held a new place in my life, knowing he'd always be there for Embry before anyone else. That he would be there for the pack – that he would be there for _us_ – before himself.

Slowly, together, we became the family we once were.

He became the man he always wanted to be.

The man that, deep down, I always knew he was.

And Embry continued to be everything he always was to me. _We_ became what we once were and more. Simple, effortless – taking what we built on our own and combining it to make our lives that much better.

Creating a life _together_ we never knew we were meant to share.

And day by day, it grew harder for me to remember a time when it _wasn't_ his hand curled around mine, his lips pressed against my hair, and his arms around me as we slept.

I finished my degree at Peninsula, and luck was on my side when I was able to find a job working at the Forks Public Library. The excitement I felt at knowing I'd be able to stay in both Forks and La Push almost made me ignore the expectant smirk Charlie gave me at the news. I knew he was just as pleased I planned to stick around, and when I asked him if he was responsible for pulling strings for his only daughter, he just shrugged and said the city was lucky to have the "second most good-looking Swan" working for them.

Life continued to be quiet and predictable, like it had been once before. With nothing threatening La Push or the Quileute people, Jacob scaled back on patrols. Sam and Emily finally got married, and the easy existence that accompanied his new status as "just another pack member" suited Sam. The lines around his eyes eased, and he smiled more often than I remembered.

It took almost a year, but Rachel eventually decided to wholeheartedly accept the imprint between her and Paul. She rarely admitted it out loud, but Paul was indeed the biggest part of her world. They fought more than any two people I knew – fire fighting fire – but they loved just as passionately and with just as much intensity.

With Jacob's blessing, Leah herself enrolled in college just after I graduated. When she told me, she scoffed at the raised, incredulous eyebrow I gave her.

"So sue me if I want to fucking make something of myself," she snapped, but I could see her lips fighting a smile. "Figured maybe I'd do something to make all that revolutionary life advice I give you idiots a little more official."

She also promised me free therapy anytime I needed it.

Embry, Jared, and Paul got jobs at the lumberyard north of La Push. With their strength and abilities, the job was easy for them, and the money was good. It was an acceptable means to an end for Embry, one day placing a little silver key next to my bowl of Lucky Charms.

When I looked up, eyes wide and knowing, he was leaning against the doorway leading to his bedroom, the smile completely enveloping his face.

"I know she's pretty laid back and all," he murmured nonchalantly, his eyes darting to his feet, "but I don't wanna live with my mom forever, Bells. And the new place would seem pretty empty if you weren't there, too."

The apartment was above the reservation store, and Quil's mother, Joy, had given Embry the heads up before she listed it in the county newspaper. "Quil's never leaving home," she had assured Embry with an eye-roll, so she told him her mind immediately went to us.

The one-room apartment was modest but large enough, and I did the best I could to turn it into a home, bringing with me things from my own, both of us digging into our savings to add new things that belonged to both of us. Those were mixed with gifts from others – colorful rugs Rachel had given us as a housewarming gift, rugs she said she found in a closet but refused to throw out, knowing they'd been hand-woven by their great-grandmother on Billy's side. A refinished kitchen table that could easily fit six, despite the fact it looked out of place in the meager apartment. A new bed that could comfortably fit us both.

Embry and I didn't have much, but we had each other and, like always, that's all that mattered.

But in true fashion, life continued to change. Crossroads were reached, but this time they would only lead us to even better places.

Just three months earlier, in the middle of dinner at Sam and Emily's, Jacob pushed a piece of paper across the table, pulling his hand back when it reached Embry's plate. His grin was telling, but I leaned forward anyway, eyes scanning the typed words, the official-looking seal near the bottom of it, and the purpose of it scrawled across the top.

An approved tribal grant application.

Tucked beneath it was another sheet of paper, one I couldn't see until Embry's steady fingers lifted the other out of the way.

A lease to a vacant garage in the heart of La Push.

And Embry's name was printed just below a blank line. Nestled between two others already bearing the scrolly signatures of both Quil and Jacob.

Quil's hearty, obnoxious laughter and Jacob's genuine smile faded behind the pounding in my ears, my heart overflowing with happiness as Embry gave the documents the most brilliant smile I'd ever seen.

Later that night, in a flurry of excited words and brief, loving kisses, he asked me to marry him.

And that _same_ heart stopped beating altogether as the final piece of our future together finally fell into place.

The lack of fabric on skin brought me out of my memories, just in time to feel Embry's heated hands lazily pushing my shirt up my midsection, the tips of his fingers grazing the curve of my breasts. I gasped, my head pushing back against the pillow, the sensation mixing with the distinct pressure of his lips massaging a thin sheen of sweat back into my skin.

I trembled when I felt his breath near my ear, his rich, sweet scent filling my nostrils and every inch of the air surrounding me.

Swallowing thickly, my tongue peeked out, moistening my lips as my fingers grazed down the planes of his bare, sturdy back. "You know we'll have plenty of time for this tonight, Em...after the wedding..."

He interrupted me, and I couldn't help the squeak that slipped from my throat as he drew my earlobe in between his teeth.

"Couldn't wait that long," he whispered languidly, and my body involuntarily arched into his touch when his hand covered my breast, deft fingers sweeping over the sensitive swells and dips of flesh. "I need you _now_..."

"Embry..." His name was a breathy whisper, falling easily from my mouth as he crawled gracefully down the length of my body. My lips parted, eyes drifting toward the ceiling the same moment his lips found a new home just below my belly button. I shook, the tremors fanning through my limbs as his tongue swept across smooth skin, his fingers hooking into the sides of my shorts so he could lovingly explore what laid beneath it.

I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth, chewing on it anxiously and expectantly, smiling. Relishing the cool sensation of pressed cotton as fingers expertly removed the shorts from my body.

Embry's mouth never separated from my skin.

I would never get used to this feeling. Ever. It didn't matter how much time passed; the response his touch drew from me was the same every time. It never dulled. It never lost its ability to set my nerves on fire, and with every little action – every memorized trigger he explored, like it was the first time he discovered it – I found myself wanting him more than I did the time before. Every single time.

"Still want me to stop?"

His voice vibrated across an already eager and receptive body, and my fingers slid down my stomach, seeking him out once again. Each one laced through his hair, tugging gently yet impatiently. His laugh was soft and slow, and I opened my eyes just in time to shake my head wildly, and to catch him peering up at me. His own mouth curled into a pleased half-smile, lustful need mixing with an unmistakable love, thick and tangible in his ebony eyes.

I drew in a sharp breath as he rose up on his hands, moving quickly and lithely up my body. I barely had time to take his face between my hands, noticing his smile spread before his mouth collided greedily with mine. He drew in his own breath as my arms curled around his neck, lifting my head from the pillow as I returned the kiss. Trying desperately to get closer to him. Wanting him here now that I had him.

Embry pulled away before I was ready, his breathing already labored, the warmth of it pushing its way across my lips and into my open mouth.

"I love you," he whispered, his mouth brushing against mine with a tantalizing gentleness.

I stretched my neck, landing one more soft kiss on his bottom lip. "I love _you_...more than anything."

He smiled again, leaning down slightly, his mouth tracing a tentative line down the length of my jaw before it once again hovered just below my ear.

"Turn over."

I couldn't help the smile that spread across my features, and I instinctively chewed on the inside of my lip as Embry pulled back, straddling my body on all fours. His expression was eager yet patient, and his shoulders rose and fell with heavy, anticipant breaths the same time he rocked back on his knees, hands moving to the waistband of his pants.

Rising on my elbows, I silently and submissively rolled my body to one side until my stomach pressed against sheets. I curled my fingers around the edge of the pillowcase the same time Embry leaned down, peppering deep, needful kisses to the curve of my back, my spine, my shoulders, and finally my neck, worshipping every inch of my exposed flesh as I felt the partial weight of his body press against mine.

I instinctively arched myself toward him, and he snaked one arm beneath my body, the contact causing every ounce of heat inside me to rush to the part of me that needed him the most.

The part that _craved_ him the most in that moment.

I held my breath, fighting my own impatience as he lowered his body even more, the feel of his chest dragging across my skin causing a paralyzing shudder to tear up my spine. In the same instant, my muscles tensed and a fervent moan escaped my throat the same time I felt his hardened length graze the narrow space between my thighs. Teasing. Creating an insatiable thirst only he could quench.

But he was prolonging it. Savoring the moment. Relishing the sight of my prone and waiting body beneath him.

The sheets bunched between my curled fingers and I turned my face, my mouth placing hot, slow kisses on his caramel wrist, the only skin I could reach in that moment. I could feel his breath on my neck as the muscles in his arm rippled with self-inflicted restraint.

The heat inside me climbed to an unbearable level. Pressing my cheek against the cool sheets, I found my hips rising slightly to meet him, my body begging to be joined with his.

And after several long, agonizing moments, he lowered himself just a fraction, closing the last bit of unwelcome space, pushing his length past the inadvertent resistance created by the way I was positioned beneath him. Sliding into satin heat. Filling me. Not completely, but just enough.

He held himself there for a moment, and I couldn't concentrate on anything except the feel of him inside me. On the way my restricted inner walls protested against his body, while at the same time, creating an unbearable pressure that caused my toes to curl into the mattress.

"Embry..." His name fell from my lips like a prayer, words I knew by heart but never grew tired of speaking.

His frame dipped, his mouth once again tracing patterns along my skin as his hips retreated slightly, slowly, before pushing forward once more. Exerting more pressure. Climbing higher inside a part of me that had and would only belong to him.

"Fuck, baby, that feels so good," I whispered into the mattress. Any insecurity I had left long ago, and inhibitions were **never** **far** behind because I trusted Embry implicitly. So long as it were his hands that held my body – so long as it was _him_ – I decided long before that moment I'd go anywhere he asked me to.

My eyes fluttered closed, red pulsing behind heavy eyelids.

A low growl rumbled in his chest and it worked its way torturously from his throat until the sound rippled across my skin, leaving goosebumps in its wake. He drug out his movements at the same time, the agonizing slowness unavoidable yet deliberate, his methodical, shallow rhythm overwhelming and maddening all in a single breath.

Air left my lungs in labored, necessary pants as Embry's frame spread over mine, his hard chest pressing against my back. With a low, throaty chuckle, his teeth nipped at my earlobe, soothing the spot with a tender, drawn-out kiss.

"Please...Em..." The words fell from my tongue before I could stop them.

His head dipped, nose brushing my neck, drawing in a deep breath. Taking in what he was doing to my body.

"Bella..." he whispered gruffly, his teeth ghosting languidly down the curve of my neck. "We've got all the time in the world...the rest of our lives...and _fuck_..." I cried out as he thrust forward with his hips, harder this time. "...I'm never gonna get tired of this. Of _seeing_ you like this. Ever..."

My hand reached out, fingers curling around his wrist, nails digging into flesh. "I... _know_ ," I gasped breathlessly, "but I need...more... _now_."

He didn't respond, instead placing one more soft kiss with pursed lips to the back of my neck.

His heat against me lessened.

His arm tightened around my frame.

And in one lithe movement, he lifted me, and I was on my knees, hands digging into the mattress as Embry's rubbed down the length of my midsection before curling roughly around my hips. My skin was on fire, but on the inside I was cold. Lacking. The absence of him inside me was tangible, and I closed my eyes, waiting. Wanting.

Desiring everything he had to give.

Everything I would have forever, before and after this day.

His length once against teased my entrance, except this time I didn't wait. This time, I wasn't patient. This time, I rocked back, again sheathing his body inside mine.

His frame swayed forward instinctively, and it pushed him farther into me. My mouth fell open, an ardent moan fumbling past my lips, and I braced myself on the mattress, sheets crisp and wrinkled between my fingers. I could feel everything, every inch of him inside me. Every spot he touched. Every piece of me threatening to crumble.

But not yet.

My skin trembled with anticipation as Embry's fingers dug desperately into my hips, marking me with his hands, pushing my body away painstakingly before bringing it back toward him with more force. I matched his movements, crying out as I rocked back, light exploding behind my eyelids.

Inch by inch, stroke by stroke, his movements intensified. They picked up speed, and I kept time to his rhythm. Doing my part. Meeting him halfway. Not wanting a single second of this stolen dawn to go to waste.

Even if I knew there would be hundreds more just like it.

My body was shimmering with a thin sheen of sweat, but I barely registered it as I brought one hand off the bed, pushing back damp strands of hair from a glistening forehead. The only thing I could focus on was the knot in my stomach. I ignored the sunlight as it peeked through the curtains, bathing my face in a warm light, only paying more attention to it as it accentuated the budding heat inside me. All of it combining, threatening to come apart.

I blinked, my vision hazy, the flames trying desperately to crawl their way from the depths in which they were trapped. Hair was pulled back from my shoulders, gathered between long, deft fingers, and I felt another searing palm press steadily against my spine. Every movement was an afterthought, mixing deliriously with the unbearable sensation of our bodies meeting and the thick, intoxicating smell of arousal surrounding the impenetrable space we were in.

A loud, exhilarated cry fell from my lips, head jerking back as my hair was pulled with a gentle yet steady force. I pushed back against Embry, harder, encouraging him.

My permission was met with a steady arm, wrapping around my midsection as he leaned down. I shuddered as his breath spread across my skin just before the mattress disappeared from my view. Before I was pulled up, body straightening, knees pressing roughly into the quilt beneath us.

The heat from his presence was much closer than it was before. Consuming me.

I was pulled back as far as I could go, slick skin colliding with slick skin. Our bodies were flush, back to chest, rising and falling against one another. The room spun in front of me, and my spine arched away from him instinctively, still drinking in the warmth of his flesh as he continued to move inside me at an impossible angle, hitting the place I knew would push me over the edge. The place that would make me fall apart beneath his hands.

Surrendering, my head fell back against his shoulder, my body exhausted but still wanting more.

He was everywhere, all at the same time. Arms wrapped around my frame, holding me tighter against him. Lips hungrily brushed along my neck. His mouth breathed wordless gasps across sensitive skin. His tongue tasted, capturing the alluring essence of flesh. One palm crept under fabric, curling possessively around my breast. Exploring. Stimulating. The other traveled down the flat expanse of my stomach, venturing lower, until fingers slipped between parted thighs.

My frame jerked away from Embry, but he pulled me back, dragging the length of one finger over a bundle of nerves already aching and begging for his touch. Another followed, and the fire shot through my veins, rushing to meet his ministrations. Everything combined once again, growing inside me. Consuming me. Pushing me toward the unforgiving waves, to what I wanted more than anything else.

To be pulled under, and never again have to come up for air.

I let my head roll to one side, pressing my lips to Embry's neck, the same time my body let go. The same time my muscles clenched and shook. My veins incinerated as the fire exploded within me, reaching every edge of me in one single moment.

I barely noticed as I crumbled to a million satiated pieces, lost in my own ecstasy as Embry pushed into me one last time, my body quaking violently against his as he fell apart around me.

We stayed like that for an infinite number of moments, coming down, recovering in each other's arms. I blinked, resting against Embry's chest, fighting to catch my breath as the waves slowly receded. I lifted a heavy arm, reaching behind me until I felt the skin of Embry's neck beneath my fingers. My muscles relaxed, my frame melting into his body as I tipped his face toward mine.

My neck stretched to meet his smiling lips, fingers playing with the ends of his hair, my mouth covering his in a slow, breathless kiss.

"You ready to do this?" he whispered hoarsely, the after effects of his high still lingering on his voice, but his elatement just as present.

My heart pounded in my chest, solidifying a certainty already present in every inch of my body. My eyes fluttered shut as he placed one tender kiss on the tip of my nose.

My head found its home again in the curve of his shoulder. "If that's what I get for the rest of our lives?" I teased. "Definitely."

Embry's laugh caused the warmth inside me to flare, a beautiful aftershock as he squeezed his arms tighter around my midsection. He leaned closer, breath dancing across the side of my face. His next word was whispered, wrapped in awe, refusing to get lost in the air surrounding us.

_"Mine."_

A small smile slowly formed on my lips, the second word encircling my heart, pounding with a blessedness I was so fortunate to call my own. My hands curled inherently around his arms, wrapping myself tighter in him. Reassuring him I was just as breathless and grateful as he was, even though he already knew.

But I said it anyway, pushing the word inside him through a brush of my lips to his neck.

"Yours."

He turned his head, mouth pressed to my forehead. "I love you, Bella," he whispered into my skin. "Always."

"I know," I murmured, burying my grin in his unfailing warmth. "I love you, too...forever."


	38. Outtake: Forgive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: I promised – and I don't break my promises. :D And to deliver on that promise, here is a 10,500-word outtake (oops) because I heart you guys that darn much.
> 
> This outtake is specifically for Nat Rowe, whose idea and desire to see Embry and Bella's first big fight struck a chord somewhere in me. I honestly couldn't resist a prompt like that. Enjoy, everyone! :)

_**BB Timeline: Four months after the final chapter. Pre-epilogue.** _

__

"Embry?"

Bella's voice filled the small living room, punctuating the silence as she stepped quietly through the front door of Embry's house. Scanning the empty room, Bella leaned her shoulder against the door, gently pushing it closed. Straightening, she ran her clammy palms over the crimson red sheath dress she wore, smoothing the wrinkles from the fabric.

She let her eyes sweep the room one last time. "Em?"

"In here." His strong yet quiet voice was clearer that time and Bella let her eyes fall, crossing the short length of the living room, the subtle heels of her shoes clicking on the hardwood floor.

Rounding the corner, she approached Embry's bedroom door, which was partially closed, obstructing her view. Reaching out, Bella slowly pushed the door open with her palms, leaning against the frame as it opened the rest of the way.

The setting sun streamed through the half-open curtains, bathing the tiny room in a warm glow. Embry sat on the edge of his bed, a determined yet annoyed expression screwing up his features as he worked on figuring out the tie around his neck. Bella let her eyes travel down his frame, taking in the white, long-sleeved dress shirt he wore and the neatly ironed black pants. Her gaze fell to his shoes, black leather, which despite the fact hadn't seen a lot of wear, bore slight scuffmarks on each toe.

She worried her bottom lip between her teeth, her insides warming as she crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"You look so handsome," she murmured genuinely, fighting a smile as she shifted her weight beneath her.

Embry looked up at her, fingers falling still, one eyebrow raised incredulously. "I had to borrow this shirt from Sam. I outgrew mine." He paused, his eyes flicking downward. "I feel like I'm going to a funeral."

Releasing her lip, Bella let her smile spread. "Well, maybe…but you still look nice." Using her shoulder to push herself from the doorframe, Bella let her arms fall to her sides as she approached Embry. His contemplative eyes followed, shoulders rising and falling from a heavy sigh the same time he stood up, peering down at her when she stopped in front of him.

"Let me…" she whispered, her arms rising again, fingertips grasping the ends of the tie on which he'd given up hope.

Embry nodded slightly, eyes anxiously darting over her shoulder. "I know how to do it – Mom taught me a long time ago – but I never really did get the hang of it."

"It's okay," Bella replied, looping the material around itself, her eyes never leaving her task. "Too bad the elders didn't make this casual. Can you imagine what Quil's probably gonna show up in?"

Embry chuckled, finally allowing a small smile, his eyes now watching her fingers move at his throat. "Yeah, well…this is kind of a big deal for Jake…and the tribe. I don't think anyone would appreciate it if the pack showed up wearing nothing but holey jeans."

"Probably not," Bella agreed amiably, her brow furrowing slightly as she concentrated. "You ever been to one of these ceremonies before?"

Shaking his head, Embry made a noise of dissent in his throat. "No family on the council…until now."

Bella swallowed, peering up at him, her hands stilling for a moment.

He called her a week ago. She'd been on her kitchen floor, knee-deep in bleach, sponges and her self-inflicted spring cleaning list at Charlie's when her phone rang.

Sam and Jacob had finally come to an understanding.

Listening intently, Bella had been silent as Embry recounted everything that was said in the pack meeting he had just left. Since their lives had settled down and everything was returning to some semblance of normal, Emily had finally talked Sam into setting a date for their wedding. Sam, however, didn't need much persuasion, telling the pack he was ready to begin his life outside of them. To lead another family. His own.

And he would be leaving the pack in capable hands.

Which was when Jacob stepped forward, exchanging a terse nod with Sam, before picking up where he left off.

Jacob would be taking over – taking his rightful place – as Alpha.

This wasn't a cause for concern, at least not in Bella's eyes. Since Jacob had stepped back from the war he waged upon returning to La Push, successfully starting to rebuild bridges between him and his pack mates, the decision wasn't hard to support. The pack knew, and Jacob had shown them he was serious on more than one occasion. Because of this, the foundation of trust they needed had already been put back in place. Now all Jacob had to do was allow it to grow. To flourish under his leadership.

Still, Embry was hesitantly quiet following the announcement, and it didn't surprise Bella in the least. Even though apologies were said – and, more importantly, shown – he and Jacob were still in the process of piecing together their fragile friendship. They were still coming to terms with the reality it was more than friendship now.

They were brothers, and learning to live a life intertwined with that truth had proved more challenging than anything else.

Especially for Embry, even if he rarely mentioned it.

Now, in a little less than an hour, Jacob would officially be appointed to succeed their father on the Quileute Tribal Council. He had turned eighteen two months earlier, and by deciding to step up as Alpha, the move embraced both his birthright and what was best for the tribe.

Embry had been invited to the ceremony, as well as the rest of the pack, their imprints, and a handful of family members. Normally, Bella would have been excluded from such a traditional affair, but Jacob had insisted she come, reminding the elders she was family as well.

Bella blinked, clearing the memories from her mind as she slid the tie knot to Embry's throat. "Well, you should definitely be at this one," she ventured softly. "This is big for the pack…for your family."

"I know," Embry answered, his lips curling up slightly, his eyes finding Bella's as her fingers moved to his collar, folding it down over the tie. "I'm glad you'll be there though."

It was her turn to smile, her hands falling from the tie, palms grazing over Embry's chest as she smoothed the front of his shirt. "Me too."

Bella took a deep breath the same moment Embry lifted his hand, covering hers where it rested over his heart. Looking up, she released the air from her lungs the same time he bent down, her eyes fluttering closed as he slowly pressed his lips to hers. The kiss was soft, easy, and Bella found herself leaning forward, letting her mouth linger against his, lips moving against each other with an agonizing gentleness. Taking their time. Breathing each other in.

Bella was smiling by the time Embry pulled away, resting his forehead against hers as she felt his hands move, his fingers now ghosting down her neck, her shoulders, and eventually her arms.

"You look beautiful," he whispered, the veiled desire in it sending a shiver through her body.

Her smile widened anyway, fingers curling into his chest. "You're biased."

"I'm not," he retorted, stealing one last kiss before taking a step back. Bella unwillingly opened her eyes, fighting a frown as he turned his back to her, fumbling with the buttons on his shirtsleeves. "But we should probably get going before I change my mind and decide you and me aren't leaving this room today."

Pulling her bottom lip between her teeth, the frown on Bella's mouth was a distant memory. "That wouldn't be so bad," she murmured coyly.

Embry straightened, throwing a surprised glance at her over his shoulder, one eyebrow raised as if he was considering the possibility. Holding his gaze, Bella arched her own brow expectantly until he finally faced her, shaking his head as a laugh left his throat.

"Later," he finally said, reaching forward and taking her hand in his. "But right now, we gotta go."

* * *

"Damn, girl, where have those legs been all my life?"

Bella couldn't hold back her amused laugh as she shook her head, not completely surprised by the first words that greeted her when she and Embry walked through the main door to the Rec Center. Judging by the amount of bodies already scattered throughout the main meeting hall, they were two of the last people to arrive. Ignoring Quil's greeting for a moment, Bella let her eyes scan the room, fingers tightening instinctively around Embry's.

Old Quil and Sue Clearwater were already at the front of the room near the council table, talking amongst themselves as well as Joy Ateara and the other two sitting members. Bella noticed the pack's two newest members, Brady Fuller and Collin Littlesea, sitting on the far side of the row of chairs, watching everyone else in silence and curious awe. The pair had phased for the first time a little over a month ago when a nomad vampire had crossed onto Quileute lands, and this was the first unofficial pack function the two had been a part of since their change.

Bella found Sam and Emily easily, who were standing near the back of the room, having their own conversation with Rachel, who was nonchalantly leaning into Paul. He had his arm draped across her petite shoulders. As he talked, his fingers absentmindedly caressed her skin just below the edge of her dress sleeve, gravitating to her. Seth and Leah were already seated, a chair down from Jared and Kim, a miffed expression on Seth's face as he tried to swat away his sister's hand, which was picking something off the lapel of his jacket.

From what Bella could see, the only person missing was Jacob.

And then there was Quil, standing behind Leah and Seth, leaning lazily against the back of chair. He wagged his eyebrows, teeth showing in a wide grin, as his eyes traveled down Bella's frame and up again.

Her thumb brushing over the back of Embry's hand, they approached Quil and the others. Bella offered Leah a friendly smile as the older woman threw a glance over her shoulder.

"Oh, for god's sake, Quil," Leah muttered, rolling her eyes before turning back to face the front of the room. "Did you forget where we are?"

"That don't matter," Quil cut in quickly, bringing his hands up and running them down his blue sport coat. Embry snorted next to Bella as she appraised him. Quil had surprisingly not turned up in something inappropriate or ridiculous, instead opting for the coat and an ironed white shirt over dark wash jeans. Bella couldn't remember the last time she'd seen him look so clean.

Raising her eyebrows in astonishment, Bella smiled as Quil noticed her gaze on him. "I'm impressed, Quil." She motioned toward his attire.

Quil swelled with pride, his arms out and palms turned up like he couldn't help it. "Eh, my mom picked it out. Can't take too much credit. She may be old..." His voice drifted as he shot an anxious look toward the front of the room, making sure his mother hadn't heard his comment. "...but at least she's got good taste."

Bella leaned into Embry, reaching over with her left hand and closing it over their already clasped ones. "Well, you still look very handsome," she countered.

"Right?" Quil exclaimed, looking down at himself in amazement like she had said something he already knew. "Just goes to show you how good I can clean up." This time, he turned his gaze on his best friend, feigning suspicion as he let his eyes skeptically travel over him. "So whenever you decide to quit slummin' it with this guy..." Quil pointed a quizzical finger at Embry. "...you know I'll be waiting. To  _appreciate_  those legs, Bella."

Bella opened her mouth to retort, but Embry interrupted her, making an amused noise in his throat as he reached out with his free hand, clamping it onto Quil's shoulder. It took a moment, but Quil eventually wiggled beneath his grip, his smile drooping and his lips curling into an expression of mild discomfort.

"Keep dreaming, Q," Embry taunted, pushing Quil a little as he released him.

"Owww," Quil whined, his face screwing up. "Damn, man." He scowled at Embry, rubbing his shoulder tenderly. "You been working out? If so, keep it up, cuz  _fuck_..."

Leah spun in her seat, her arm flying out to smack Quil, and Bella, Embry and Seth couldn't contain their laughter as Quil cried out, the blow landing smack in the middle of his stomach. He was grumbling something under his breath about the 'profanity police' when Bella turned her head slightly, the soft sound of approaching footsteps pulling her attention away from the spectacle in front of her.

"Hey, guys."

Glancing over her shoulder, Bella felt Embry's body tense slightly as he turned to do the same. The group fell quiet as she saw Jacob standing tentatively a few feet behind them, his hands shoved in his dress pant pockets, a small smile on his face.

Bella couldn't help but return it. Jake was also dressed in his best clothes. His black hair was trimmed and styled, his frame relaxed and features framed by the orange light pouring through the windows. While she hadn't seen much of him in the past few months, he looked different. His features exuded a certainty and a confidence she hadn't seen in so long. He looked at ease.

He looked  _happy_.

Jacob's friendly smile lingered on Bella for a moment before he turned, meeting the gaze of the man beside her. "Thanks for coming," he finally said, nodding as he lifted his arm from his side, offering his hand to Embry.

Turning beside her, Bella peered up at Embry as he reached out, nodding in response as he clasped Jacob's hand in his and shook it. The gesture was amicable, but something about the stiffness in it grated at her insides.

Staring at where the two men were joined, copper skin blending seamlessly into copper skin, she couldn't help but wonder if it was always going to be like this between them.

Formal.

Distant.

A few moments passed before Embry released Jacob's hand, and Bella let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding as Embry took a step back. She could feel the palm of his hand as it instinctively sought out the small of her back, the heat from his fingers soaking through the material of her dress.

Bella leaned into Embry's side – a natural, placating reaction – but her eyes didn't leave Jacob's expression. His features were steady as they held his brother's gaze, waiting for a response. A word. Anything.

"Wouldn't miss it, " Embry finally murmured, his hand moving, fingers unknowingly digging into her hip.

Jacob smiled, but his gaze fell.

 _Distant_...

"Of course we wouldn't," Bella spoke up, breaking the heavy silence between them. Going the extra step to do her best, to let Jake know they were trying as well. To let him know they wanted to be there and hadn't attended out of a sense of duty or obligation. "This is a big day for you, Jake."

Jacob's features softened minutely as he turned his gaze toward her. "Thanks, Bells. That means a lot."

Nodding, she wished like hell there was something else she could say. Something else to break this underlying tension.

But Jacob beat her to it.

"You two coming to dinner at Sam and Emily's after the ceremony?" he asked, eyes darting back and forth, shifting between her and Embry. "Sam spent the better part of the day roasting a hog for everyone, and Emily made pie...or so she says. That's if Quil didn't eat it all when we were over there earlier..."

Swallowing, Bella looked at Embry, who was still watching Jacob with a relaxed yet indifferent expression on his face. "That sounds fun..." she murmured, the words a response meant for Embry rather than an answer to Jacob's question.

Embry nodded, shifting his gaze over her head toward the council members before returning his eyes to Jacob. "Yeah, sure."

Jacob blinked several times, his head bobbing yet again. "Okay, well..." His eyes bounced to Bella before taking his turn seeking out the council members. "I better get going. See you guys later, hopefully."

Once Jacob was no longer standing in front of them, Embry moved away from her slightly, trying to hide it as his frame relaxed by just a fraction. As he let his guard fall. Bella stood still, her eyes glancing out the window closest to the Rec Center doors when she felt him move back, his lips moving against the top of her head.

"We should probably sit down," he whispered.

Nodding, she allowed Embry to lead her around the back of the last row of chairs, his hand once again in hers. Emily, Sam, Paul and Rachel were heading the same direction as Bella walked ahead of Embry into the row, smoothing the back of her dress before sitting in the chair next to him.

The other four took their places in the front row, facing forward, until Rachel shifted in her chair, her eyes immediately finding Embry.

"So I missed your birthday..."

Turning her head, Bella glanced at Embry, whose gaze fell to his lap, a smile playing on his lips before he looked back to Rachel. One eyebrow raised in surprise before it dropped just as quickly. "It's okay, Rach."

Scoffing, Rachel rolled her eyes. "No, it's  _not_  okay. I missed  _a lot_  of your birthdays, and I'm not gonna miss any more..." Her hand rested on Paul's shoulder, who snuck a glance and a quick grin at her before turning his gaze back to the front of the room. "I got you something."

Biting her lip, Bella fought the smile that desperately wanted to spread, her eyes taking turns between watching Rachel and Embry.

"You didn't have to do that," Embry murmured genuinely, his onyx eyes now studying Rachel with an appreciation he couldn't quite seem to find for anyone else in his new family. Not yet.

Sighing, Rachel shook her head in exasperation. "I know I didn't  _have_  to, but I did...so it's too late. I already bought it. It's at the house." She cocked one eyebrow, almost like she was challenging him. "You should come by one of these days and get it."

"Sure," Embry ventured, his thumb absentmindedly rubbing circles against Bella's back. "I can do that."

"You better," she retorted, pointing at him with a playful, menacing expression. "And you two  _better_  be coming to dinner tonight." This time she looked at Bella, her eyes wide and insistent.

"We will," Bella chuckled, her eyes peering over Rachel's shoulder to see the council members taking their seats and Sue Clearwater slowly rising to her feet.

With a triumphant nod, Rachel flashed a wide grin at the two of them before turning to face the front, leaning into Paul's arm as it found a home draped across her shoulders.

Looking down at their clasped hands, Bella nudged Embry with her shoulder, smiling when he peered down at her. Reaching up with her free hand, Bella pushed a piece of hair back from his forehead, which had fallen loose from the rest of the carefully swept back strands.

"Love you," she whispered almost inaudibly.

One corner of Embry's mouth crept up as he leaned down, leaving a quick, soft kiss on her mouth before pulling back, sneaking one on the tip of her nose. She laughed when he fought a smirk, straightening so he was once again facing forward.

It was one of the few times since she met them the entire pack was silent as Sue Clearwater welcomed everyone to the ceremony. Her greeting was friendly and brief, and Sue kept it to the point, reminding everyone why they were gathered that day before handing the ceremony over to Old Quil.

Sue took her seat, replaced by Quil's grandfather, who had slowly made his way to stand in front of the small audience. Jacob was seated in a single chair beside the council's table, his hands clasped tightly in his lap, one knee bouncing slightly as he made a conscious effort not to chew on the side of his lip.

No matter how ready Jacob claimed to be, Bella noticed just by watching him it didn't change the enormity of the moment. The importance of it, and what it meant for him, his family, and the rest of the pack.

Old Quil turned toward the eyes watching him, his lips parting and his voice sweeping through the room as he began to re-tell the tribe's history. Every person in the room listened intently to his words, and although he was nowhere near the storyteller Billy Black had been, his voice was enough to captivate them all.

The old man shifted effortlessly from history to legend, regaling them once again with the origin of shapeshifters within their tribe as well as the story of Taha Aki and the Third Wife. Bella remained still throughout the story, even though it wasn't the first time she heard it.

When Old Quil reached the end of the tale, he lowered his head before turning to Jacob. The old man reached out, palms facing the ceiling, motioning for Jacob to stand. Jacob's shoulders rose and fell with a calming breath before he did, turning to face his elder.

Bella relaxed her grip on Embry's hand, glancing at him out of the corner of her eye. He wasn't watching her, his eyes fixed intently on what was taking place at the front of the room, his expression unchanging.

"And now it's your turn, Jacob Black – to take your place. To govern this tribe. To preserve its past and secure its future," Old Quil continued in his gravely, aged baritone. "But more importantly, it's your turn to protect it. To lead the spirit warriors of this generation, as your great-grandfather did before you. To honor his legacy. To honor your family – your father, your mother, and your sisters by embracing your birthright."

Bella's breath caught in her throat as the elder spoke, at the two words he  _didn't_  say. Her heart pounded in her ears when Embry shifted uncomfortably next to her, his eyes falling to his lap and his hand tightening around hers.

Between her fingers, she could feel his blazing. Trembling.

Taking a deep breath, she lifted her other hand, placing it over his. Trying her best to calm him without words. But she couldn't tear her eyes from Jacob who, despite the man speaking in front of him, still met her glance for a split second.

Noticing the missing words as well.

But before anything could be said, Old Quil spoke again.

"And as the leader of our tribe's protectors, your blood will make you strong. Your blood will make you wise and powerful. You will lead by example, and all those here today will follow you, as they were meant to. They will put trust in the Black name, also as they were meant to. A privilege bestowed only to you. A blessing brought upon you by generations of your forefathers."

Jacob's lips parted slightly, but Old Quil swept through his words, transitioning to the traditional oath taken by incoming council members. Bella watched as Jacob blinked, clearing an unknown haze from his mind before turning his attention away from those in the chairs and back to the man in front of him. He took a deep breath, shoulders squaring as he pushed everything else to the back of his mind.

Right now, his duty came first. His obligation to the tribe and its members.

Everything else was important, but it would have to wait.

Still, Bella could feel Embry's tense muscles beneath her fingers, not realizing her hand had moved to his forearm. She couldn't speak, the words of the council oath overtaking everything else, echoing off the walls of the meeting room.

Holding her breath instead, she tilted her head until her cheek rested softly on Embry's shoulder.

The ceremony concluded minutes later with little fuss, and when voices finally spoke and bodies slowly rose to their feet, Bella looked up. Nothing seemed out of place. No one else seemed to notice, and if they did, nobody made it apparent. As she scanned the front of the room, Bella's eyes pulled to the right, instantly finding Jacob as his sought her out despite the people between them. His features were heavy, his expression anxious as he held her gaze, his head shaking slightly.

And suddenly, Embry's hand was no longer in hers, the heat next to her gone.

Blinking rapidly, Bella tore her gaze away, looking over her shoulder in time to see Embry standing beside his empty chair, looking down at her with an intense, foreboding glaze in his ebony eyes.

The shiver that ripped its way up Bella's spine left her insides cold.

"You ready to go?"

_Distant..._

It took a moment before she nodded, smoothing her shaky palms on her dress before rising to her feet. Embry didn't wait for her this time when she stepped toward him, didn't take her hand as she followed him across the room, pausing only to acknowledge Quil and continue past him despite the step his friend took toward him.

Bella wasn't sure when the knot in her throat showed up, but she tried to swallow past it as she caught Leah's curious stare from where she stood. She hadn't missed Embry's abrupt exit. Leah raised one eyebrow in Bella's direction, causing her footsteps to cease where she stood.

"What's wrong with him?" Leah asked tentatively, taking a couple steps away from the chair, her gaze piercing through Bella's.

"I...I don't know," Bella stammered, the words untrue. She could tell by the skeptical glare Leah was giving her that she wasn't fooling anyone.

"Huh," Leah nodded. She pursed her lips before throwing a glance to the right. "You might want to catch Call and find out then. Looks like he's already on his way out the door."

One look toward the main doors to the Rec Center confirmed the other woman's words, causing Bella's lips to fall into a deep frown as Embry disappeared through them to the street outside.

"Damn it," Bella mumbled, throwing another quick look at Leah. "I gotta go. I'll hopefully see you later, Leah, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah," Leah replied, waving her off as she stooped to grab her clutch from under her chair. "Go make sure he's not gonna throw himself off the top of James Island or something."

"Not funny, Leah!" Bella retorted, calling her out on her sarcasm, but the woman was already behind her as she approached the front door and opened it, not bothering to close it as her feet hit the concrete steps outside.

"Bella!"

She was halfway down the short sidewalk to the road when the familiar voice pulled her gaze over her shoulder. Jacob was standing in the doorway, his eyes on her before refocusing on something else, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed.

Bella looked back the way she was going to see Embry standing beside her car, leaning against the open door, his hands tightly gripping the top of it. He didn't get in, and he wasn't looking at her.

He was simply waiting.

Taking a deep breath, Bella turned halfway, her eyes falling back on Jacob.

He shook his head again, causing her stomach to jump anxiously. "I'm sorry, Bella..." he whispered. "I didn't know that's what Old Quil was gonna say, I swear I didn't." His gaze faltered again, eyes pleading as they searched Bella's for any figment of understanding. For her to recognize what he was saying and to know he hadn't played a part.

Swallowing again, Bella could feel her feet instinctively take a step back. "I gotta go, Jake..."

Jacob's shoulders slumped dejectedly as he watched her, several moments passing before he nodded too. "Bella,  _please_..." he pressed on quietly, beseeching her for any sign he hadn't screwed up. That this wasn't going to take everything he'd done the past four months and grind it into dirt.

But Bella didn't know. It wasn't her answer to give.

Still, when she drew in a sharp breath, she held it for a moment before nodding anyway. "I know..." she admitted, offering him the smallest smile she could.

His features visibly relaxed before he allowed himself to take a step back. "Will you tell him that? Please?"

Bella couldn't stop the sigh that escaped her lips, but she let her head bob. "Thanks for inviting us, Jake." With that, she turned, letting her feet carry her the rest of the way down the path before turning toward the car. Her eyes fixed on Embry, who met hers for a split second before his frame disappeared into the car.

Leaving Jacob, Old Quil, and his lack of words behind.

Bella quietly climbed into the Mustang, the silence inside it thick when she pulled the door closed behind her. Leaning against the window, she watched Embry's hands as they turned the key in the ignition before reaching to the shifter and putting the car in reverse. Bella's mouth dried as the vehicle moved out of its parking spot faster than it normally would, jolting beneath them as Embry quickly slipped the car into drive.

The silence remained. As the car drove away from the Rec Center, Bella knew he wasn't going to be the first to speak, even though he really didn't need to. She already knew what was wrong. She'd memorized that smoldering intensity in his eyes, the way he flexed his fingers in and out of fists to calm the simmering inside him, the way his muscles tensed to keep control.

All of which he was doing as he navigated the road leading through the heart of La Push.

Wringing her fingers together in her lap, Bella finally ventured a glance at Embry across the distance separating them in the car. It felt like miles. Outside, the sun had almost completely disappeared behind the tree line, leaving little light surrounding them. Still, Bella could now see the pained, frustrated look on his face. It fueled the growing knot in her stomach, and she could feel her hand lifting, finally reaching across the space until it brushed his thigh.

Somehow, she managed to sift through the words in her mind, coming up with ones she hoped would be enough.

"You gonna tell me what that's wrong?" Bella murmured shakily.

Embry's lips parted and after several long moments, he shook his head, eyes trained on the road ahead of them. "I don't know what I was thinking," he muttered, blinking frantically, still refusing to look at her. "I don't know why I thought this would be any different..."

Bella swallowed thickly, letting her fingers drift over the smooth material of his pants. "What do you mean?"

Jaw tensed, Embry's fingers shook as they tightened around the steering wheel. "I was afraid something like this was gonna happen...or  _not_  happen, I guess I should say," he continued, his voice low and agitated.

The mass in Bella's stomach ached fiercely with his vague confirmation. It didn't matter what else he said – it was crystal clear to her what had upset him.

"The whole time," Embry pressed on, leaning one elbow against the door and rubbing his forehead with his thumb and index finger, "I thought maybe... _maybe_  the council would  _say it_. Especially tonight. That maybe they'd acknowledge..." His voice drifted as he squeezed his eyes shut for a split second before opening them, vaguely focusing on the windshield as he shook his head wildly. "Nevermind...it's pointless anyway."

Bella's hand stilled, her head tipping forward as she took a deep breath, trying to catch his eyes. "Embry..." she whispered. "It's not pointless. I think everyone's still getting used to it, you know...the idea of Billy being your father..."

"It's not an  _idea_ , Bella," Embry shot back, his head jerking, glaring at her from the driver's seat. The anger in his eyes, the frustration trained on her, made her mouth fall open and the words on the tip of her tongue disappear. "It's a fact. A fact no one acknowledged for years, and fact they  _still_  won't acknowledge even now, in front of everybody, even though they already know..."

The blunt throbbing in Bella's chest was familiar. She'd felt it a handful of times before, only months earlier with her knees pressed into the earth as Embry let out a lifetime of questions and insecurity. While he wished things had been different. That his father hadn't died before he spoke the words. Before  _he_  could acknowledge Embry.

And in this case, Bella knew she couldn't disagree with Embry. Jacob  _had_  done it, but the tribe had not. The tribe had yet to speak the words their father never did.

It was all he wanted, and they'd refused him.

"I'm sorry, Em," Bella whispered, releasing the only words from her lips that might matter.

"It doesn't make a difference," Embry spat out, letting his hand fall back to the wheel. "My last name isn't Black, so it doesn't matter. All they're worried about is honor, so they'll never say it..." Embry swallowed thickly, his lips pulling into a frown. " _Jake'll_  never say it."

For a moment, Bella closed her eyes, the words pulling at something else inside her. These were different. These were unwarranted.

_Will you tell him that?_

_Please?_

Bella took a deep breath, holding it in her lungs, fingers trembling as she released it. "That's not fair, Embry," she ventured, almost dropping her gaze when his suddenly turned on her, a flash of anger in them she barely recognized.

"What's not fair?"

Bella's heart pounded in her chest, but she pushed the words out, unsure of how he'd react. Everything between the three of them – her, Embry, and Jacob – was still so fragile. They still had farther to go before things would be okay between them, and these words felt like they should stay in her mouth where they belonged.

But they didn't, because in the split second before she spoke, several images flashed behind her eyelids. Embry's veiled hesitation to go to the ceremony. The distance between him and Jacob as they shook hands, offering each other the barest of pleasantries. The anger in him now, the hostility he still held for his brother, drawn out by nothing but an assumption.

It broke Bella's heart all over again, remembering how she wondered if this would ever be over. If he would ever forgive Jacob.

If he would ever forgive  _Billy_.

Because if he couldn't let go – if he couldn't move forward – none of them could.

"That you're blaming Jacob for this," Bella finally said, the words barely audible. "He didn't know what Old Quil was going to say. He didn't know he was going to leave you out, Embry. Do you really believe that?"

He scoffed, and Bella hated the look in his eyes. A flash of justification marred by the fact somewhere deep down, he knew she was right.

But she wasn't prepared for what he was going to say next.

She wasn't prepared for that justification to overshadow everything else, to cloud those kind eyes she'd come to count on.

"You would say that..."

Bella's mouth fell open in astonishment, breath leaving her before she could register what exactly it was he'd said. Closing her eyes again, she shook her head absentmindedly, trying to think of some kind of response.

When she finally opened them, her eyes caught Embry's and she didn't miss the flicker of regret as it passed through them.

"Why...why would you say that?" she stammered, willing him to look at her as she felt the car slow. Embry drew in a deep breath as he turned the steering wheel, his stare still focused on the windshield. "You know...if he'd have known, he would have said something."

Embry's jaw tightened. "Then why didn't he?"

"I don't know," Bella admitted as the car rolled to a stop. "But you know he didn't do it on purpose."

"I don't." Embry shifted the car into park, his hand curling around the gearshift. "And I don't get why you're defending him, but I'm guessing you know more than me since you're the one he came out to talk to..."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Bella blurted out, unable to hold back the scowl as it overtook her expression.

His stare fixed on his hand encircling the gearshift, Embry shook his head, igniting another flame of anger inside Bella. They'd been through this. They'd overcome this, if nothing else, and she didn't understand why he was using it against her now when it hadn't mattered in so long. When it was no longer something he should be  _allowed_  to think.

"Nothing," Embry muttered. "Nevermind."

Speechless, Bella shifted and glanced out the windshield for the first time since they climbed into the car, instantly recognizing where they were.

"Why did we come home?"

The noise Embry made in his throat agitated Bella even more, and she frowned as she saw the little brown house in front of them.

"I'm not very hungry," Embry mumbled, unbuckling his seat belt and throwing open the Mustang's door before Bella could protest.

Mouth agape, the slam of the car door closing echoed through Bella like a gunshot. It took her a moment, her eyes following him as he approached the house's front porch, leaving her sitting inside the vehicle.

But each step he took pulled at her until her fingers were fumbling, legs scrambling as she managed to find the door handle with a shaky hand. She barely got the door closed before she was after him, refusing to let him put  _any_  distance between them.

He wasn't going to walk away. Not now. Not like this.

By the time her feet were planted firmly at the bottom of the porch stairs, Bella watched Embry's retreating figure for a moment as he pushed open the front door. As he shoved the small key ring in his pocket, still refusing to wait.

The words tumbled from her lips before she could stop them.

"When are you going to stop punishing him?"

Embry's frame froze, one hand still clasping the doorknob. Chest tightening, Bella stood her ground, refusing to regret them. And even if he asked her to, she knew she would not take them back.

"Punish  _him_?" Embry's voice was almost a growl before his body slowly turned, and as he faced Bella, she could see his hands trembling slightly. Because of her. Because of her words. "Because I owe him so much, right?" The sarcasm in his tone was foreign and cutting.

"Embry," Bella pressed on, "you don't owe him anything, but you still need to  _forgive him_ , even if you never forget."

Embry's Adam's apple bobbed as his eyes faced off with hers, neither of them budging. "I  _have_  forgiven him."

Shaking her head, Bella released the breath she was holding. "You haven't."

"So, what then?" Embry took two steps forward, the bitterness in his voice twisting at Bella's insides. "I should just forgive him because he's Jacob Black and that's what people do, Bella? Because that's what  _you_  do?"

Crossing her arms in front of her chest, it was almost too much, the words still coming from a place she'd never felt as her shoe toed at the dirt beneath it. She could feel her patience wavering, the knowledge of how to deal with this new territory in their relationship completely out of reach. "That's not what I meant..."

"Then what did you mean?"

Tightening her grip on her forearms, she swallowed, trying to come up with the best way to say what she really did mean. "He left, Embry, I get it...and when he came back, he did a lot of things that weren't very easy to forgive, but the point is he's  _trying_." Desperation leaked into Bella's voice with each word, as she grasped to the hope that he'd understand what she was trying to say. "And he's doing what he has to...he's given up what he had to so you'd know that, but for some reason, you still can't stop punishing him."

Embry's body was still as he let her words soak in, one by one, his conflicted gaze still attached to her. He blinked, lips parting in frustrated dismay, brows pulling low over his eyes.

"What  _exactly_  has he given up for me, Bella?"

Opening her mouth, nothing came out. The words already weren't forming right, because she could hear the implication beneath his. What he thought she meant by what she said.

"That's not what I meant and you know it," she whispered, even though there was a hint of truth to it. A sacrifice Jacob  _did_  make to end the fighting. Stepping aside. Letting go of  _her_. Allowing them all to move on.

Something he  _had_  done for Embry, in addition to himself. Regardless of what any of them thought.

But in this moment, she feared Embry wasn't going to see it that way.

And it didn't make any sense to her.

"I don't understand why you're so angry with me," she breathed.

Embry's mouth fell open, a look of frustration plastered on his features. "Because you're making excuses for them, Bella!" His gaze fell, hands lifting as they pushed through his hair. "And I'm so fucking sick of excuses! Excuses for why they didn't say anything then, excuses why they don't say anything  _now_." He dropped his arms, his stare now fixed intently on her. "And even if no one understands why this bothers me as much as it does, I at least thought  _you_  would."

"I do understand!" Bella exclaimed, taking a step forward, her arms reaching out defensively. "But Jacob is not  _them_ , Embry. He's not his father...he's not  _your father_."

Embry fell silent, his body unmoving as his shoulders rose and fell. Desperately trying to maintain control, to not let this anger he rarely showed – a latent frustration Bella had somehow managed to not notice while he silently processed all this – get the better of him.

But it couldn't stay inside. It needed to be said, even if she desperately wanted to close her mouth. Hating what was happening in front of her.

"When is this gonna stop?" Bella pressed on, her voice quavering. "When are you going to let this go, Embry? And see what the people who matter...your family...are already trying to do?" She held her breath. "You say you're mad at Jake, and maybe you are, but you have to  _stop_. You have to stop being angry, or we're not gonna make it past this."

Maybe she didn't see it right, but in that moment, Bella swore she saw all hints of anger and frustration fade from Embry's face as what she said sunk in. The defeated expression on his face pulled at Bella, and she felt an unwelcome and unwanted sting in the corner of her eyes.

"What are you saying?"

Bella reached up, swiping the moisture away as it threatened to fall, brought on by the veiled sadness in his voice. "I guess what I'm saying is...I've forgiven Jacob, Embry. And I think it's time you forgive him too." Her breath was ragged as she stopped to inhale, trying not to look at Embry just before releasing the rest of her words. "And that you stop being angry at Billy...that you stop taking it out on Jacob...and start remembering that you do have family here... _now_...that  _loves_  you, no matter what the elders say."

That was it. There was nothing left for her to say. Despite it all – despite the fact she didn't know what he would say or what he would think or how he would react – Bella had told him how she felt. What she worried about, and what she feared would happen if the distance wasn't closed.

So she waited, her eyes searching Embry's as he searched her words.

"Okay," Embry looked away, his feet suddenly moving as he walked toward Bella. His abruptness jarred her, one arm reaching out just slightly. To stop him if she could.

"Go ahead and go to the party. Tell them I'm sorry I'm not gonna make it..."

The words were enough to knock the breath from Bella's lungs as she stumbled back a step, missing him completely as Embry stepped around her, brushing past her carelessly.

Just out of her reach.

"Embry?" She let her arms fall to her sides, closing her eyes and forcing herself to take a deep breath. Hoping like hell he would stop. That he would turn around, wrap his arms around her, and tell her that's not what he meant.

"Embry!"

But he didn't respond, the sound of his lithe footsteps falling on soft dirt the only noise in her ears.

Disappearing completely by the time she opened her eyes.

* * *

Embry's house was completely quiet, save for the gentle splashing of dishwater. She hadn't left, and now Bella was doing her best to keep her mind off what happened earlier.

But it didn't matter.

Despite her attempt to stay busy, doing work that didn't belong to her, the words she said – the words Embry said – ate at her resolve and negated her distraction, running on a constant loop in her head. They'd disagreed before but not like this.

Never like this.

She went back and forth in her head for hours. Struggling with whether or not to apologize when he came home. For overstepping? For not understanding? For telling the man she loved how she felt? She wasn't completely sure.

Still, beneath the anxious worry, a part of her felt like she didn't need to apologize. She had meant what she said to him. Jacob was past the point of intentionally trying to hurt him, and in the grand scheme of things, the council didn't matter.

And he needed to stop punishing Jacob for Billy Black's mistakes.

He needed to let go, if only a little, and try to find a way to live with a truth that wasn't ideal, but was still true all the same.

Yet a part of her understood.

A part of her knew Embry had let his insecurities, the past, and what happened between him and Jacob before get the better of him. It was a hard pill to swallow, what he was expected to come to terms with, and another part of Bella knew she couldn't blame him. It came from the same part of her as the distant, niggling voice, reminding her that maybe she should have been more patient. More understanding.

That she should have stood up for Jacob a little less and stood by Embry a little more.

Because no matter what, it didn't negate the way Embry felt.

But it didn't void how  _she_  felt either.

So she stayed busy. It had been two hours, and she was still standing there. By herself, with no idea where Embry went. She waited, robotically sweeping the dishcloth across a plate, swallowing the lump in her throat. Embry's mother was working a late shift at the diner in Neah Bay, and Bella knew she'd appreciate the help, even if beneath it all, Bella hadn't done it for her.

Taking deep breath after deep breath, Bella tried like hell to calm the dull gnawing in her stomach. To ease the burning anxiety causing her fingers to shake and the plate to quiver in her hand.

To banish the small piece of her that thought maybe she'd finally pushed Embry too far.

Suddenly feeling like she couldn't breathe, Bella's chest tightened, fingers curling around the rag in her hand. Eventually, she allowed it to fall into the sudsy water, palms gripping hard around the edge of the counter.

He had to come back.

He  _always_  came back.

But he hadn't. Not yet.

Suddenly, her points didn't seem so important, and  _I'm sorry_  were the only words on her mind.

But she couldn't keep standing there. Bella finally allowed her eyes to open, fingers digging fruitlessly into the counter as she drew in a deep breath. Pushing back, she moved to her left, letting the air escape her lungs in a rough exhale. Reaching forward, she cleared her throat, trying to get rid of the huge obstruction resting heavily in it, before gathering both her bearings and dry plates between her fingers.

She had to keep busy.

Yet when she moved, the fragile dishes tucked caringly between her body and her arms, her breath left her all over again.

The front door opened slowly and Bella froze, suddenly unsure of what she should say or where her body should move. All she could do was watch, clutching tighter to the dishes in her hands, as Embry carefully stepped through the front door. His eyes cast downward, not meeting hers.

Also unsure.

He watched an unknown spot on the floor, reaching behind him to push the door closed. Bella swallowed, her heart pounding in her chest, an intense gratitude pouring through her out of nowhere. Causing her fingers to tremble, her skin crawling with an inexplicable desire to simply drop the plates and run to him.

But she couldn't move. She waited.  _Still_. Her feet rooted to the ground, simply watching him. The way his face avoided hers, how his palms curled into fists at his sides. How his body held back.

Also waiting.

Almost like he needed permission to look at her. Permission to move.

A heavy sigh was the first sound to pierce the silence as it escaped Embry's body, and he finally allowed himself to slouch against the door. He brought his hands to his face slowly, rubbing it roughly before scrubbing his hands through his hair.

Moments passing, he let his hands drop, finally lifting his gaze. Meeting Bella's.

Her mouth fell open slightly at the haze in his eyes, the intense longing she hadn't seen in so long. She hated it, his eyes echoing how she felt inside. Uncertain, anxious,  _sorry_. He shouldn't look that way anymore. She shouldn't  _feel_  that way anymore. They were past that.

And they would get past this.

The tension between them finally snapped, freeing Bella's body as she stepped forward, instinctively depositing the stack of plates on the kitchen counter without a word. Embry's eyes followed her as she moved, rounding the corner, her path effortlessly lining up with his.

Nothing was in between them, and she knew what she had to do.

She had to show him that no matter what he did – no matter what she said – she would not let go of  _this_.

Bella watched his body straighten, eyes still locked with hers, tentatively taking his own step forward.

But she couldn't wait. Her feet moved before she could stop them – before she could think that maybe she mistook the look in his eyes for something else – the distance between them narrowing faster than it should have when Embry took another step toward her.

Bella didn't breathe as her body collided hard with his, arms curling tightly around him. His did the same, gathering her against him, breath leaving her in a hurried gasp. Clasping his neck, she felt herself being lifted, her limbs scrambling as legs found purchase around his waist. Burying her nose in the flesh between his neck and shoulder, Bella felt him exhale. A relieved, thankful rush of air that confirmed her worries were for nothing.

That he wasn't going anywhere.

But it didn't matter. She could feel her body tremble against his, the nervous energy caused by not knowing where he was and what it meant clawing frantically at her insides. Searching for a way out. Seeking solace from the only person who could give it.

Needing proof. A wordless apology.

Craving it from him, and aching to give it back.

Lips parting against his skin, Bella closed her eyes, biting down softly on his flesh.

Beneath her chest, she felt Embry's breath catch, his thick fingers weaving tighter through her hair. Letting her lips linger for a moment, she savored his warmth before he pulled her back. Before she turned her face to meet his, ignoring the way his fingernails raked desperately across her scalp. Before her lips forcefully captured his instead.

The need instantly resurfacing the moment she tasted him.

A low growl rumbled in Embry's chest, vibrating across Bella's skin as he pushed back against her firmness. Against the frantic, destitute way her mouth moved against his, her tongue sweeping across his lips. Clinging to him, she shuddered beneath the heat of his palms soaking through the back of her dress. As she felt him moving beneath her, his footsteps a distant echo in her ears.

And the reason they were here like this a distant memory in their minds. At least for now.

Pulling away, Bella gasped against his mouth, her hands weaving through ebony strands of hair. She wanted to say something but instead her fingers tugged, his moving to her waist as she dipped her head. Drawing his scent through her nostrils as her lips traced greedy patterns across the skin of his neck.

She held on, her mouth tasting the saltiness of his skin, when she suddenly felt a brief absence of heat. The lack of his arms around her, replaced by a solid surface beneath her.

Resting her cheek on his shoulder, lips parted and fighting to catch her breath, Bella saw he had placed her on the kitchen counter just next to the sink. But it disappeared from her view as her eyes fluttered shut, Embry's hands now burning on her thighs. As he pushed her dress up, caressing the milky white flesh beneath it.

As she clutched his shoulders tightly, leaning up, the fabric slipping over her hips to gather around her waist.

Bella's lips ghosted across the white cotton covering his shoulder, turning her face only to find his mouth once again on hers, stealing the breath from her body. Shaking with urgency, Bella's fingers fumbled blindly when she reached up, finding the button closest to Embry's throat. Effortlessly sliding it through the small hole. Her hands moved down. Another button followed, and another, her fingertips brushing hard, copper curves as they moved.

"Bella, " Embry whispered against her lips, his nails digging roughly into her waist.

"Shhh," she interrupted fluidly, the last button sliding out between her fingers, releasing the fabric as she allowed her hands to explore the body beneath it. Savoring flawless flesh, and drawing its heat into her body. Allowing it to spread through her veins until she couldn't remember a single moment outside of the one overtaking her.

Taking the shirt collar between her fingers, Bella forcefully pushed the shirt back, taking Embry's lower lip between her teeth as his hands disappeared from her, the shirt fluttering to the floor.

Embry leaned forward, Bella's mouth parting, tongue peeking out to wet her lips as he traced short, hot kisses along her jaw. His hands traveled over her shoulders, finding a home on her dress zipper. The muted noise is made as it was lowered pushed fire through Bella's veins, the fabric falling as she rocked forward, her own hands impatiently seeking out the belt buckle at Embry's waist.

As another zipper lowered, Bella reached beneath the waistline of black dress pants.

"I need you," she whispered, lips fluttering against his earlobe. A hand seeking out what she wanted, fingers wrapping around the proof of Embry's own need for her.

He shuddered beneath her hands, his back at her waist as thumbs hooked into the sides of her panties. She pulled back, arching her hips, allowing them to leave her body, sheer satin replaced by cool Formica beneath her thighs.

Bella's eyes locked with Embry's, his black and clouded with an intensity he saved for moments like this. A desire he held only for her. Bella's stomach clenched, his hands wrapping around her hips, pulling her toward the edge of the counter. Situating his body between her trembling legs.

Fighting to catch her breath, to contain the heat gathering in the base of her stomach, Bella felt the fingers of Embry's hand beneath her chin. They pushed with a surprising gentleness, and she let her head fall back, resting against the cupboard when his mouth sought out the flushed skin on her neck. Her lips parted when his pressed roughly against her flesh, his tongue soothing it. Tasting her.

Bella felt dizzy. Delirious. Pulling her bottom lip between her teeth, she dug her knees into Embry's hips when she reached up, fingers curling around the cupboard door handles. Keeping her in place when she so desperately wanted to fall.

The moment her eyes closed was the moment he pulled her to him one last time, their bodies joining as he pushed himself into her completely.

Reaffirming that no matter what was said, this was where they belonged.

Embry's movements were rough, purposeful, proving he needed this too. That he needed her. That he needed to feel her heat wrapped around him. Bella shuddered at the feel of him moving inside her, pulling away before pushing harder. At the cool air on her bare chest.

At her body roughly hitting the cupboard behind her, even though she couldn't feel a thing.

Except for Embry.

Except for his hands splayed across her back. Except for his mouth on her temple, teeth dragging across her skin, his breath washing across her face. Pushing across her closed eyes. She couldn't  _hear_  anything, except his labored pants and the beautifully tormented whimpers escaping her throat as it all combined inside her.

Creating a fire, a burning in the base of her stomach, she could never get enough of.

It wasn't long, her body held steady in Embry's arms as it balanced on the edge of the counter. The fire licked at her insides, building, consuming as one hand released its purposeful hold on the cupboard door, wrapping around his neck. She pulled him closer, a perfectly tormented cry bubbling in her throat as she lurched forward, his mouth swallowing it completely as he pushed into her one last time.

The moment the heat exploded inside her.

The silence was back, but Bella reveled in it. Body reeling, she slowly came down to earth, her arms and legs still trembling as she clutched to Embry. As he pulled out of her, separating their bodies before she was ready. Her eyes still closed, she could feel his forehead pressing against hers, the air leaving him in the same way it was her – in rough, uneven breaths.

Swallowing, her body released one last shudder as she felt him push his fingers through her hair, gripping her face between large palms.

Bella opened her eyes to find him already gazing back at her, the lust dwindling, an intense sincerity taking its place.

Shaking her head, she couldn't help it when she leaned forward, kissing him one last time. A warmth, a security – the love she felt so completely – pushing a deliriously familiar tingle through her veins.

She took his bottom lip between hers before releasing it, kissing it softly, her fingers digging into his shoulders.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, the words releasing a weight that, until that moment, she had forgotten was there.

The corners of Embry's lips fought a smile, his forehead still glistening with sweat before he pulled her pliable body toward him. Enveloping her in his heat. She buried her face in his neck, and she could feel his heart racing against her lips.

His arms were sure and steady. Like they always were.

"Don't," he whispered. "Don't apologize. You didn't do anything wrong."

Bella pulled back unwillingly, releasing him long enough to situate the top of her dress on her body, putting it back where it belonged. "Neither did you," she murmured, leaning forward again and taking his face between her palms.

He shook his head, his gaze flitting toward the countertop. "I was an asshole to you, and you know, Bella...that's not me. And I shouldn't have left."

"It's okay," Bella chuckled, brushing her nose across his cheek, fingers twisting through his hair. "Just don't do it again."

It was his turn to laugh, leaning forward on his hands and turning his face, capturing her lips in a swift kiss before releasing them. "And I kinda had to come back...to tell you you were right."

Bella pulled back slightly, her hands falling to his shoulders, watching the genuine expression pull his lips into an apologetic but steady smile.

One she'd know  _anywhere_.

"I'm  _not_  trying hard enough, even if it's harder than hell some days to forget...to let go, like you said," he continued, one hand lifting, the back of his fingers tracing her jawline. His eyes keeping their magnetized hold on hers. "But I need to do better. For me...but also because I don't want to disappoint you."

Bella shook her head, reaching up to capture the hand on her face in her own. "You're not gonna disappoint me." She let a smile spread across her lips. "I just want you to see that I'm not the only person who loves you, Embry."

"I know," he whispered, turning his hand to take hers. "And  _I'm_  sorry...for not believing you." This time he smiled at her, the gesture igniting the simmering fire still lingering in her veins. "So will you forgive me?"

Bella let the fire pull her, leaning forward again, nodding as she pressed her lips to his. Accepting his apology. Solidifying her own as his mouth moved gently against hers.

He barely pulled away, mouth still smiling as she felt his fingers tuck her hair behind her ear. "So..." His breath was warm on her lips. "Think they saved us any pie?"

Taking a deep breath, Bella pressed her forehead to his. "Probably...unless Quil's still there," she answered, a quiet laugh escaping her throat. "Then we don't stand a chance."

She felt his blazing fingers curl around hers.

"Then we better go find out."

 


	39. Outtake: Fearless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the record, this little outtake might make your teeth hurt. It's pure BB-style sugar, which means there's of course just a tiny bit of angst sprinkled in. It suits the situation though...at least I think so. Hope you all enjoy!

_**BB Timeline: Post-epilogue.** _

_**Suggested Listening: "My Muse" by Sarah Jarosz, "Northern Lights" by Cider Sky, "Two Coins" by City and Colour, "Orange Sky" by Alexi Murdoch, "Lucky Man" by The Verve** _

.

Leaning forward, Bella pressed the weight of her body against the porcelain basin of the sink, fingers curling unfailingly around its surface.

Squeezing her eyes shut, flashes of white crackled behind tightly closed lids. Bringing her tongue out, she swept it absentmindedly across her lips, her mouth parched. She could almost hear the exhilarating rush of blood pulsing through her veins, encouraged by a heart pounding relentlessly against her ribs. Her mind was a mess of a million thoughts – happiness, fear, excitement, uncertainty.

_Love._

The final one pulled the last bit of focused movement from her body, reaching right inside her and pulling the breath from her lungs. The word had no intention of giving it back. Not now.

Maybe not ever.

Her frame completely still, the warm, summer breeze floated through the open bathroom window, but Bella barely registered it as it swept across her blazing skin.

She could feel her eyes burning with an unfamiliar sensation.

_She wanted to open them._

She could feel the urge – the demand – boiling just below her surface.

 _She_ needed _to open them._

But she couldn't do it. She wasn't ready to move...not yet. She didn't want this moment to end quite so soon, because when it did, one of two things would happen.

Everything would be different. Everything would  _change_. The life she'd been living until that point would cease to exist and another one would take its place. A thrilling yet terrifying new life she had no idea how to prepare herself for.

Or everything would stay the same.

Either way, it would be okay.

But deep down, she knew why she couldn't move. She knew why she couldn't shatter the moment.

Because a part of her – one she didn't realize until that moment was the  _largest_  part of her – desperately wanted that thrilling, terrifying new life. This  _love_  she could feel buried inside her.

The one thing she could feel more than anything else.

Still, she couldn't stop it as one part of her freed itself from the statuesque vigil she was keeping in front of her bathroom sink.

Her lips pulled upward, slowly forming a small shadow of a smile. As that life she wanted unfolded behind closed lids. One that somehow made imperfect sense of the elation, the worry, the excitement, the terror, coursing through her small body.

The smile marked the end of the seconds she had left, and she felt her eyelids open, her surroundings filtering through the blurry haze until she could clearly see her reflection in the smudged mirror. The dim, yellow light from the fixture overhead cast just enough glow on her features to see it clearly.

The smile was still there, and evidence of the slight burn –  _tears_  – still lingered in the corners of her eyes, just above pink, flushed cheeks.

Bella watched herself in the mirror, reaching up and brushing shaky fingertips across rosy lips. The light reflected off the silver metal of her modest wedding band as she rocked forward, leaning up on her tiptoes. Swallowing, she blinked, lids heavy, before she let her hand fall back to the sink. Eyes wanted to follow, her stomach fluttered wildly.

Desperately wanting to look, even though she didn't need to.

_Because she already knew._

Just as Embry had the night before...

.

_Thick silence settled inside their small apartment. The light attached to the outside of the building filtered through the window beside the bed, bathing it in a warm, golden glow. Two candles on the nightstand accompanied it, providing just enough light for Bella to make out the small words on the pages of her book._

_A long, steady arm gripped her frame tighter, her concentration drawn away from the book when a stubble-lined cheek tickled the exposed skin between her camisole and sleep shorts. Warm breath plumed in even puffs across her flesh._

_A small smile pulled at her lips as she looked away from her book, watching where Embry's head lay against her stomach, his arm draped lazily across her body. He wasn't moving, and she couldn't see his face, but she could tell by the uneven rise and fall of copper shoulders that he was still awake._

_Drawing in a silent breath, Bella released it, hearing the crickets outside the open window before looking back to her book, her right hand instinctively seeking out the ebony hair pressed against her midsection. She continued reading, fingers mindlessly twisting through the strands, nails drawing soothingly against his scalp._

_She didn't speak and neither did he, both of them choosing instead to end the day wrapped up in each other's presence, much like they always did._

_Moments passed, and when she unwillingly pulled her hand away to turn the page, Embry unexpectedly stirred from his spot at her side. Her gaze was torn from the book as both the silence and their intimate position were broken, the bed creaking beneath them when he swiftly rose up on one elbow. She could see his face now, brows pulled low over his eyes, the skin between them puckering in concentration._

_Lowering the book so it rested face-down against her chest, Bella watched him curiously as he cocked his head to one side, a movement no one but her or the pack would recognize or understand._

_Something was wrong._

_Bella's lips pulled down in a frown when Embry's eyes darted one way and then the other, strategically scanning the room despite the fact he remained motionless. Her fingers splayed further across the covers of the book, and she held her breath instinctively. The intensity in his eyes struck an uneasy nerve inside her. Reaching out with her other hand, fingertips brushed his bicep._

" _Hey," she whispered, air still caught in her throat, heart thumping against the strain. "What's wrong?"_

_An infinite moment of silence passed between them before Bella let her hand fall to the covers. Embry finally moved at the sound, head turning, eyes seeking out her hand before rising to meet her gaze._

_He swallowed thickly before he spoke. "I...thought I heard something," he murmured, glancing away before she wanted him to, eyes again focusing on something in front of him._

_Focusing on her._

_Bella managed to draw in a shallow breath as she watched, his eyes burning holes through her frame, almost like he was seeing something she couldn't. Her hand lifted slightly from the bed, reaching for him again, the same time he lifted his own. Her fingers halted, suspended in the air between them, as he moved his palm, letting it hover for a moment just an inch or two above her stomach. Breath failed her again, watching Embry's fingers curl into a fist before stretching them out once again, hesitating just before closing the gap between his hand and her skin._

_Bella couldn't help the shiver her body released, chill bumps exploding across her skin when the heat of his palm reconnected with her flesh._

_She blinked, realizing Embry had yet to move the rest of his body. His thumb was the only exception as it swept across her skin, over and over, tracing crescent moons just below her belly button._

" _Embry," she whispered his name softly, almost as if she was the intruder. Almost like she was interrupting a private moment she wasn't supposed to be part of._

_Embry's other hand moved from his side, and he pressed his index finger to his lips to silence her._

_Bella couldn't be persuaded, impatiently propping herself on her elbows, the book falling to the bed beside her. Peering at her husband and hoping for a glimpse of his eyes. "Embry..." she repeated, her tone more insistent._

_He still didn't answer, and both words and air caught in her throat when he suddenly leaned down, moving back to the spot he abandoned. Roughly pressing his cheek against her belly, harder than he had before._

_Still listening for something..._

_Something_ inside _her._

_Bella's lips parted, her chest heavy, watching what was happening in front of her._

_However, she managed to swallow, all moisture in her mouth gone. Her heart suddenly racing as Embry pulled back once more, unable to look at her. His eyes wider than before, unable to tear his gaze from the place he had rested his ear._

" _Embry..." There was a plea in her voice now, a desperate request for him to speak. For him to explain. "What do you hear?"_

_He finally looked at her, liquid eyes filled with a mixture of awe and shock, both soothing and scaring her._

_Stealing what little air she had left inside her when his lips finally parted. When he finally answered her question, his voice wavering beneath the realization it carried._

" _It sounded like a...heartbeat."_

.

He had known...

She wanted to ask him how, unable to look away after he said the words. As he sat up in their bed, legs curled beneath him, everything else he wanted to say getting lost somewhere.

As she let her fingers drift across her lower abdomen...as his eyes followed her fingers, never releasing their hold...both of them silently wondered. Questioned. Feared. Hoped.

_Baby..._

Curled tightly against Embry's side, she barely slept at all that night. In the hours just before the dawn, her mind raced a mile a minute. Thoughts collided with one another as she tried to comprehend the truth of it. If there was actually a tiny life growing inside her, one she and Embry created. Together.

Trying to figure out what they would do if it were true.

They hadn't been trying; she had been on the pill, but the months following the opening of the garage had been predictably hectic. Bella had lost count of the nights she would come home after putting in a nine-hour shift at the library only to head to the garage once she clocked out, spending the rest of her day helping Jacob get his books and files in order. How she and Embry would get home late, forgetting all responsibilities before their heads hit the pillow and exhausted hands reached for each other in the dark.

Now, responsibilities were all she could think of. Where they would live. How they would come up with the money when the garage was just starting to turn a profit.

But mostly, she thought about other things. How Charlie would react. How excited Renee would be. If it would have her mahogany hair. Embry's ebony eyes...

_She needed to look..._

She still needed to be sure because somehow life had stalled in the hours leading up to that moment. Moving through her day like she always did, Bella could think of nothing else. While Embry's primal instincts and heightened senses could be considered more accurate than any biological test, it didn't matter.

Bella needed to see the proof with her own eyes because she hadn't heard what he did.

There was no time though. A loud, aggressive pounding on the bathroom door caused her to jump before she could seek it out, jarring her from her thoughts and sudden determination. Stealing the last bit of that moment she wanted to hang on to.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Bella." The female voice was muffled but succinct even through the wood door separating the two women. "You didn't manage to somehow drown in your pee cup, did you? Because I wouldn't put it past you, and I swear I am  _so_  not giving you mouth-to-mouth if you did..."

Bella didn't mind as much as she thought she would, the smile somehow spreading farther until it reached her cheeks.

Releasing her grip on the sink, she still didn't look. Instead, pushing her body back, she ripped her eyes away from the mirror and trained them on the door. Her legs followed suit, moving across the small, narrow bathroom until she reached the door.

When Bella finally pulled it open, Leah was waiting for her on the other side. One arm was propped lazily against the doorframe, brows arched high above each eye, her gaze trained determinedly on the cuticles of her other hand.

Standing in middle of the Forks drug store, Bella had called her, the obtrusive box clutched between shaky, clammy fingers. Embry had called to tell her he was working late at the garage that night, and Bella simply couldn't wait. Leah was home from Seattle on summer break, and she was Bella's next best option.

Leah had given her a minimal amount of crap, agreeing with a flippant and loaded sigh to meet Bella at the apartment an hour later. Getting one last jab in that had Bella rolling her eyes in the middle of the feminine care aisle.

" _I should get an award or a cookie or something for being your pregnancy go-to person, Bella."_

Shaking her head slightly, Bella let out a shaky breath, and it was only then Leah looked away from her fingers. Letting her arm fall, her palm connected to one thigh with a loud smack.

Bella was glad Leah was there, but she suddenly found herself wishing wildly for Embry. Wishing he was there instead of her.

Sitting at the table that morning with a mug of coffee clasped solidly between both hands, Bella had watched him near the door. Her eyes studying his movements as he pulled on his work boots, stooping on the woven mat to lace them up.

She knew something wasn't right. The way he was avoiding her gaze. The way he had barely said a word since Bella had awoken from what little sleep she managed to find, noticing Embry wasn't next to her before the haze had a chance to clear from her vision.

How she found him sitting at the kitchen table, staring aimlessly into his own coffee cup.

Like he had the weight of the world on his mind.

He walked over to her before he left, bending at the waist, leaving a sweet, soft kiss on her lips. Saying goodbye the same way he always did. He lingered a little longer that morning, fingertips ghosting across her cheek. Reassuring her that nothing was wrong before straightening and turning to go.

Bella had caught his hand.

"I'll buy a test after work today," she whispered.

Blinking, she didn't miss the flicker of something...something that wasn't him, something she wasn't expecting...flash quickly through those dark eyes. As he nodded, smiling, she pushed down the twisting in her stomach. Likening the distress in them to the same worrisome and runaway thoughts that had kept her awake all night.

"I love you," he finally said before turning and disappearing out the door, his footsteps on the wooden stairs outside fading long before Bella stopped listening for them.

Blinking, Leah's sharp, graceful features reappeared in front of her.

Leah's eyes widened matter-of-factly. "So?"

Bella leaned against the doorframe, her own eyes falling away from the other woman's urgent expression. "I...I haven't looked yet."

Groaning, Leah tipped her face toward the ceiling in exasperation. "Not looking won't make it any less real if you are."

"I...I know..." Bella stammered, crossing her arms tightly in front of her chest. "It's just...this is big, Leah.  _Really_  big." She was watching Leah now, who peered back at her, a haze of sympathy and understanding passing through each brown orb. "It'll change...everything."

Releasing a loaded sigh, Leah reached out as she stepped forward. Allowing her hands to curl around Bella's shoulders, peering down at her insistently. "I get it...you're scared, but you know what? When it comes to something like this, I'd be more worried about you if you weren't."

Pulling her bottom lip between her teeth, Bella somehow managed to suck in a deep, cleansing breath, releasing it with a whoosh. Grabbing on to some of that certainty she lost the instant her moment was interrupted. She let the corner of her mouth lift in a tiny smile, Leah's simple words striking something inside her. Making sense.

Perhaps giving her that one last push she needed to do what needed to be done.

To quite possibly change her life. To change Embry's life.

To change  _their_  life...together.

Before Bella could speak, Leah rolled her eyes, impatiently pushing back from Bella. "I'll look first...how about that?"

She didn't have a chance to respond before Leah pushed by her, causing Bella's stomach to jump into her throat. Fingers trembling, she swallowed thickly before turning around so fast she nearly stumbled, eyes following the other woman as she walked into the tiny bathroom, reaching the sink.

Her heart pounded as Leah's eyes landed without hesitation on the little white stick sitting on the basin.

Throbbing mercilessly in her ears the moment fingers curled around it, lifting it from its resting place.

Breath evaporating from her lungs the second Leah turned to look at her, expression stony and unreadable.

"Congratulations," she deadpanned, and Bella didn't miss the smile pulling at the corner of Leah's lips when she held the little white stick out in front of her. "You're having a puppy."

* * *

The air around Embry reeked of stale smoke and cheap alcohol, burning his nostrils each time he took a breath.

Letting out a ragged sigh, he swiftly brought the short glass to his lips. Tipping it back to take a drink, its contents burned in an entirely different way. Placing it back on the counter in front of him, Embry looked around, ignoring the smoldering flames in his gut. There were maybe two other people in the bar besides him – a ramshackle place nestled just on the edge of the marina – and he couldn't help but wonder why the hell he had went there in the first place.

But he  _did_  know why...

A faint fluttering working its way through the darkness of he and Bella's apartment. Rapid, almost like the noise a butterfly's wings made as they pushed against the air around them. Muffled. How he thought he was going crazy the moment he realized where it was coming from. How the noise became more distinct...more noticeable...the closer he bent toward Bella's body.

_Her stomach..._

It didn't make any sense, and he had no idea what to make of it at first. He was used to being able to hear things others couldn't...it came with the territory, and he was good at drowning out the noises he didn't want.

But not this.

Because this was something entirely different. As all the pieces came together – as he eliminated what else it could be, the realization of what exactly he was hearing falling perfectly into place – it was almost as if he could feel the entire world shift beneath his feet.

Knocking him right on his ass.

Unbeknownst to Bella, he was awake most of the night too, the sound he heard with his ear resting against his wife's stomach echoing loudly in every corner of his mind. Reminding him of what this meant.

He was going to be a father.

A  _father_...

The word was exhilarating. Exciting. Perfect. It stole the breath from his lungs whenever he repeated it silently to himself, knowing the immeasurable love he and Bella shared was no longer something that simply bound the two of them together. That it had reached farther, creating a new life that was growing inside the small body that slept curled into his side every night.

One for which he would be responsible. For the rest of his life...

Eventually he fell asleep and what little sleep he found was plagued with dreams...with memories. With moments from his life. With his mother, struggling to fill the role of an absent parent. Of the father Embry never had.

And Embry saw Billy.

He saw his face in the midst of it all, silent and unspeaking.

How he never showed Embry the kind of love he  _should_  have.

How Embry never knew he was  _there_ , even though he was right in front of him.

How because of that, he could never showed Embry what it took to be a father in the ways that truly mattered.

When Embry awoke – a thin sheen of cold sweat covering his body, Bella's body unusually warm against his – the word suddenly elicited a new feeling in him.

_Fear._

Fear of what was to come. Fear of the unknown.

Fear of failing Bella.

Fear of failing their  _child_ , the same way his father failed him.

And fuck if he didn't already love this tiny thing...this life  _he_  made...more than he ever thought possible. The memory of its faint heartbeat weaving around his own, capturing it. Refusing to let go in the best possible way. Rendering him helpless.

Its innocence only heightening the fear. Paralyzing him. Making it impossible to face the truth just yet.

Leading him to the place he was now.

"You know it looks kinda bad for you to be sitting here drinking alone..."

With a start, Embry was back in the bar. He recognized the voice before he could see its owner, tightening his grip on the glass in front of him before throwing a glance over his shoulder. Behind him, Jacob stood a couple feet away, a knowing smile on his face and his hands shoved lazily into the pockets of greasy jeans.

Releasing a heavy sigh, Embry turned back toward the bar, bringing the glass to his lips. "It's been that kind of day, man..."

"That bad?" Jake asked, the stool next to Embry suddenly disappearing as Jake pulled it out from its place against the bar, sliding into it with a tired exhale. "I thought you seemed a little...distracted today."

Embry shrugged, staring at the amber liquid in his glass. Suddenly feeling stupid for being there. For giving others the impression that something was actually wrong when it couldn't be further from the truth.

"It's not bad, it's just..." His voice drifted off as Jacob leaned his forearms against the counter, silently signaling to the bartender. Embry's mouth was still open, but the words wouldn't form as Jake cleared his throat next to him.

"You wanna talk about it?"

Squeezing his eyes shut, Embry wrestled with Jake's question for a minute. Debating on whether he should say something so soon. Whether Jake should be the first person to officially hear the news from his mouth.

But Embry quickly reminded himself how long it had been. How far they had come in two and a half years.

How, in that time, the man sitting next to him had truly become a better version of the person Embry grew up with. A leader. A friend. His  _brother_...in every way that mattered.

Opening his eyes, the words left Embry's mouth without difficulty.

"Bella's pregnant..."

A small, nearly extinct part of Embry expected a reaction from Jacob...any reaction at all...but it never came. Instead, the other man reached out, hand grasping the beer bottle the bartender had placed in front of him. Feeling Jake shift slightly in his seat, it prompted Embry to peer at him out of the corner of his eye.

The grin on Jacob's face elicited a similar one from Embry.

"Congrats, man," Jake murmured, a genuine happiness seeping through his tone as he brought the bottle to his lips, taking a swig of its contents.

Releasing a nervous laugh, Embry shook his head in wonder as Jacob clapped him on the back. "Thanks," he replied quietly, running his finger through the condensation on his glass.

Jake turned back toward the bar, letting go of the bottle and leaning against the wooden surface. "I didn't know you two were trying."

Raising his eyebrows, Embry released a puff of air from his lungs. "We  _weren't_..." he admitted, running one distracted hand through his hair.

Turning the beer bottle between his thumb and fingers, Jacob peered at him tentatively. "This is good news though...right?"

"Of  _course_  it is," Embry blurted, the words louder than he meant to speak them, returning Jacob's stare. Projecting his sincerity with more than what he said. "It's just..."

What he was trying to say died on his tongue, mouth suddenly dry. Unsure of how he should say it. Unsure of how he could explain it to Jacob, the one who - through no fault of his own -  _had_  the father Embry never did. How Jacob was the one who, for most of his life, had never questioned his own choices. The one who never let insecurities get the better of him.

Jacob brought the bottle to his lips once more, interrupting Embry's thoughts when he set it down softly on the bar. "You can talk to me, man," he urged, a part of him knowing there was plenty to say. That it was resting just beneath the surface of Embry's quiet exterior.

Licking his lips, Embry tried like hell to push the fear down. To tame it just long enough to put a voice to what was eating away at him on the inside.

"I just..." Pressing his lips together, collecting his thoughts, he drew in a deep breath through his nostrils. Trying to tame the subtle trembling just beneath his skin.

"I'm scared shitless, man..."

Next to him, Jacob's face screwed up in bewilderment. "Em..."

"I mean, don't get me wrong...I'm happy about it," Embry interrupted, pushing the glass away from him before he gripped it any tighter. "I love Bella...so fucking much, and the fact that this happened is just...incredible and  _perfect_ , but..."

"You're still scared," Jake finished quietly, taking a silent sip of his beer.

Closing his eyes, Embry nodded. "A baby..." he whispered. "I'm gonna be a  _father_ , Jake."

This time, he ventured a glance at the man sitting next to him. Stomach wrenching, he noticed Jake already watching him, a vigilant expression on his face. Still, there was understanding in his eyes. Already seeing beneath the surface of Embry's fear, figuring out its root. Jacob knew him...no matter what they had been through, Jake had seen inside his soul, making it easy for him to see where the fear stemmed from.

Knowing it  _wasn't_ completely unfounded.

Jacob's shoulders lifted and fell with a heavy breath, forehead creasing beneath his sincerity. "You can do this, Em..."

With a distraught groan, Embry roughly rubbed his face with his palms. Realizing his hands were shaking the moment he touched his skin. Balling his fingers into a fist, Embry pressed it hard against his lips. "I...I don't know if I can," he questioned shakily. "This is so much more than just me, man...than just Bella. And I have no fucking idea what to do." Letting his hand fall back to the counter, he shook his head in dismay.

Jacob chuckled next to him, trying to ease the tension. To ease the conflict inside his brother. "I don't think  _anybody_  does when this happens to them the first time..."

Embry's breath caught in his throat, pushing the words out anyway. "It's not just that. It's the fact that I have no idea how to  _be_  a father..."

He could almost hear Jacob swallow just before his lips parted. "You have what you need, Em."

Trying to rub the tension from his forehead with his thumb and forefinger, Embry shook his head when the bartender approached him for another drink. "I'm not so sure. I've never had it, Jake...a father. I get why...I do, and it's... _okay_  now, but even though some things in my life didn't turn out like they could have, I don't want this to be one of them." He looked at Jake again, his brother's eyes steady. Sure. "I  _can't_  fuck this up..."

A ripple of something passed across Jacob's expression. A confidence that Embry was trying like hell to find. One that, in that moment, seemed hopelessly out of reach.

He hated himself for it.

Leaving him wondering how something so small – something that had barely been given life – could already bring him to his knees.

"You won't."

Taking a deep breath, Embry had to ask anyway. "What if I do?"

"You  _won't_ ," Jake insisted. "At least not more than any normal person, and whether you like it or not, I'm gonna tell you how I know..."

Turning his face slightly, Embry watched Jacob as he inhaled, leaning forward beneath the weight of his persistence. "You'll do okay...you'll be  _fine_. You'll do  _better_  than fine, and I know you will because you already have the most important part down, Em...you're here. You've  _always_  been here..." He paused, eyebrows lifting. "For Bella. For me. For the pack. You know how important family is, and you've never given up. You've never lost sight of that, no matter how hard things got."

The words permeated the small space between the two men. Working their way slowly inside Embry, spreading through his veins at an agonizingly slow pace. Forcing him to listen.

"Just be there, man," he heard Jacob murmur. "That's all you gotta do. The rest will come."

Each word igniting memories...moments from Embry's life...that caused Jacob to speak with such certainty...

Embry saw his mother's face. How even after he found out the truth about his father, he'd went home, knowing that no matter what secrets she kept from him, he could never walk away from the one person who had always been there. No matter what.

He saw Jacob. He saw the pack. How one simple gesture could turn the tables on a feud none of them wanted. How one movement of Embry's hand, placed forgivingly on Jacob's shoulder, had ignited a small flame in the others. How it ultimately helped them forgive Jacob for what he'd done as well.

He saw  _Bella_.

A small smile spread slowly across Embry's lips.

Reminding him of the road they both had traveled – separately, ultimately turning into a single path. Why there was no reason to doubt himself, because no matter what happened – no matter how many times he might stumble – Bella would always be next to him. To pick him up. To  _be there_.

Loving him the same way he loved her. Imperfectly. Unconditionally.

And they were in this together...just like they always were.

Jacob's laugh brought Embry from his thoughts. He turned his head to look at the other man, his expression filled with a gratitude he hoped Jake could see.

"And don't forget about Bella, man," Jake pressed on, taking another swig of beer. "She's spent her entire life taking care of people...you know that. She'll have this down, no trouble. And with the two of you together, that kid's gonna be pretty damn lucky."

Letting his smile widen, allowing a heady buzz of certainty – one that had always been there – to overtake him, Embry nodded. "I know," he admitted easily, releasing a sigh before reaching for his own glass. Before emptying its contents in one final gulp.

Slamming it down on the bar, another laugh escaped his throat. "I'm kind of an asshole, aren't I?"

Grinning, Jacob shook his head, staring at some unknown spot on the other side of the bar. "Nah...you're just human."

Sucking in a deep breath, Embry pushed his stool back, rising to his feet. Reaching into his pocket with a steady hand, he produced a wad of bills, discarding them on the bar before turning to Jake. "Thanks, man. Seriously..."

Jake shrugged, his eyes flitting toward Embry before diverting once again, the smile still on his mouth. "You're my brother, Em. I've got your back...always will."

Clapping Jake on the shoulder, expressing his thanks once again without words, Embry let his gaze fall to the floor. His feet moved, carrying him away from the bar. Toward the door.

Away from his fears. Letting everything inside him lead him to the only place he belonged.

To where he needed to be.

Toward everything he knew would give him the strength to face what lay ahead.

Not just Bella.

His  _family_.

But he had one place he needed to go first.

* * *

Bella lay propped against the headboard of her and Embry's large bed, trying to concentrate on the book resting against her bare knees. A cool breeze ruffled the curtains, and Bella pulled her lightweight cotton robe tighter around her frame.

Toes bouncing aimlessly against the mattress, Bella's senses and body were on high alert. All night, a potent mixture of emotions had assaulted her insides. Anxiety. Anticipation. Excitement. It was hard to tell where one ended and another began, battling inside her until she thought she just might jump in her car and drive frantically around all of La Push in search of what she needed.

She  _needed_  Embry to walk through that door.

Pacing their one-room apartment for the better part of an hour, she thought about calling the garage but decided not to. Almost dialing her mother just so she could talk to  _someone_ , but deciding against that too. Eventually, she threw her phone on top of the kitchen cabinets, knowing there was only one person tall enough to reach where it landed.

Getting rid of the temptation, but doing little to calm the frenetic energy twisting her stomach in knots.

Because even though he had known, no one else would be allowed to. Not until she could tell Embry herself.

That he was  _right_.

But a little part of her couldn't refute the subtle gnawing in her gut. The one that brought back his troubled eyes. His lingering goodbye. His reserved expression when he left the house that morning. It bothered her, and she hated it.

A small part of her wondering if there was a chance Embry  _hadn't_  wanted this.

That he  _wasn't_  happy.

But she pushed it down, telling herself that she was making things up. That she was being crazy. That she was letting the hormones get the better of her.

_Hormones..._

Pushing her toes harder into the mattress to keep them still, a part of her still couldn't believe it. No amount of home tests or peeing on a stick or pretty pink plus signs could make it feel real.

But it was.

In several months, they would have a  _child_...

She would be a mother.

And Embry would be a father.

Leaning her head back, Bella smiled softly as she allowed her eyes to close. Taking her time as she drew in a deep, soothing breath. Feeling her body relax, causing the jumble of thoughts occupying her mind to recede to some distant corner.

Allowing her just a moment to take it all in.

A moment to herself...

_Just one..._

But her moment was happily cut short when she heard a familiar creak from the other side of the room, an old wooden door protesting against the hinges holding it in place. As her eyes opened, body frozen, she listened to scuffling from the other side of the small wall blocking the door from her view. To the sound of work boots hitting the floor with a welcome thud.

Her heart fluttered the same way it always did, a burning gratitude inexplicably building in her throat when Embry finally walked around the corner. Offering her that small, reverent smile that was only meant for her.

Slowly closing the book on her lap, Bella's eyes followed him as he silently padded across the room, peeling off his soiled t-shirt once he reached the foot of the bed, muscles stretching and rippling beneath his lithe movement.

"You're late," she murmured, biting her lip to keep the smile on her own mouth from widening.

Nodding, Embry peered at her knowingly as he discarded his jeans, reaching for the black cotton sleep pants draped over the foot of their bed. "I know," he replied quietly, pulling the bottoms up to where they rested just below the cut of his hips.

"Where've you been?" Bella asked curiously, stretching her legs out against the soft comforter beneath her.

"Stopped by the bar for a drink after work," Embry answered, still watching her as he walked around the side of the bed. Giving Bella a chance to look into those endless eyes...to search for any of the things she saw that morning. To see if somewhere they were still plaguing him.

She saw nothing but the love in them she'd come to expect, causing her to lose her breath for one endless moment.

Making her think that maybe she  _had_  imagined it.

Embry bent at the waist and she tipped her head to meet him, inadvertently letting the smile free when he pushed his fingers through the hair just above her ear, pressing his warm lips against hers. Softly. Quickly. Greeting her the same way he left that morning.

"By yourself?" she wondered, eyebrows furrowing in curiosity, tasting his breath on hers when he pulled away.

"Jake was there, too," Embry replied, taking a step back from the bed, a half-smile still playing on his lips as he finally turned his back to her, walking toward the kitchen. Back the way he came.

Releasing a silent sigh, Bella could feel it stirring within...what she had wanted to tell him all night. The words resting impatiently on the back of her tongue as she let herself slide down the pillows, her head pressing against them as she watched Embry disappear around the corner.

She couldn't wait any longer. To simply say it. To find out how he felt.

To start this journey with him.

Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes. She pushed the words out...loudly...to make sure he would hear them even though she knew he would.

"So I took the test..."

Opening her eyes, she saw Embry walking back toward the bed, a smaller version of the same smile resting on his mouth. Her lips parted as she watched him, eyes raking down his frame until it landed on the small shopping bag in his right hand.

Embry, on the other hand, pretended like she hadn't noticed, sinking to the edge of the bed with a knowing sigh. Turning his body toward hers as she bent her knees, scooting up just slightly on the bed. Still watching him.

One eyebrow lifted, almost like he was teasing her.

"And?"

A part of her wanted to be mad at him...for suddenly being so okay with it. For seeming so collected. So calm, even though she was ready to burst at the seams.

Despite the fact she was about to speak four words that would irrevocably alter their world.

"We're having a baby..."

Embry pulled his bottom lip beneath the top, eyes lowering to the comforter beneath them both. His shoulders jerked with a deep breath, and Bella's heart pounded, slamming against her ribs, the words hanging between them before he finally looked up. Meeting her eyes once again.

"I know," he whispered, one corner of his mouth lifting slightly. His features relaxed. Absent of any tangible worry.

Licking her lips, Bella searched those eyes for nothing in particular. "It's real now..."

"It was real before, Bella...at least for me," he murmured gently, holding her eyes for another moment before looking away. Remembering the bag he was still holding between his legs. "And that's why I stopped and got you something before I came home..."

"Really?" Bella wondered aloud, propping herself up on her elbows, trying to see what Embry was doing as he nodded, reaching inside the bag and looking at her only before he pulled its contents out for her to see.

Bella couldn't help the subtle, surprised gasp she drew between parted lips.

In between Embry's fingers, he held a small, stuffed wolf, covered completely with matted gray fur.

"This was mine..." he said, forcing Bella's attention away from the small stuffed animal. "I kinda had to tear apart my mom's closet looking for it, and she's probably going to kill me...but I think she'll make an exception this time."

"Embry..." Bella whispered in elated disbelief, reaching out to run her index finger across the wolf's furry, disheveled snout. Letting it peer back at her through black button eyes.

All worries...all fears...she felt throughout the day suddenly disappearing. Erasing their existence from her mind.

"I had this thing for years...and I guess I forgot about it," he continued, allowing Bella's dazed fingers to take the worn toy from his hands as she fell back against the pillow. Meeting her eyes when she looked at him for more, "Until now."

"Did...did Billy give it to you?" Bella stammered, looking between the sewn-on eyes of the little gray wolf and those of her husband.

"No," Embry admitted, shaking his head softly. Releasing a sigh as he turned his body, pulling his legs on top of the mattress and lying on his side. Facing Bella. "My mom did," he continued, his elbow pushing into the bed as he rested his head on the heel of his hand. "But a part of me likes to think that she had an idea...that maybe he told her about the legends, even though he wasn't supposed to. Or at least told her the tribe's history. That maybe she got it for me thinking it would keep him close...somehow."

Reaching out, Embry let one finger trail over the muzzle of the small stuffed animal. Bella watched it as he let his hand travel down its back, across her fingers, before coming to a rest on her stomach.

"I guess I never realized how much that little thing would mean when I was kid...what it would stand for...but I needed to find it," he pressed on, letting his fingers drift lazily across the flesh peeking out below the hem of her camisole.

Taking a deep breath, Bella forced herself to look away from the stuffed animal. To find Embry's eyes, which were already watching her.

"So you're...okay...with this?" she asked quietly, eyes widening slightly with concern.

Nodding, it was Embry's turn to take a deep breath. "Of course I am," he whispered. "And I'm sorry, Bella...about this morning." Moving his fingers, he ran each one along the flesh just above her wrist. Causing hers to hold tighter to the small stuffed animal. "I freaked out a little bit..."

Bella's gaze followed him, like steel to magnet. Holding her breath, she silently urged him to continue as he peered down at her frame.

"I wasn't sure I could do this," he continued, his voice still low. Sincere. "I wasn't sure I had what it took to be a father...because I never had that."

Bella released the air in her throat, heart sinking into her stomach, knowing a part of her should have seen it. That she should have understood long before he spoke the words.

"Embry..." she whispered, one hand releasing the toy as his gaze was pulled toward her voice. Pushing the hair back from his eyes, she let her fingers hesitate there, tracing the outline of his face.

Silently doing what she could to make him believe that every ounce of faith she possessed rested solely in him.

"I know," he interrupted, quickly capturing her exploring hand in his, turning his face and pressing his lips against her palm. Holding on to it as he lowered it to the bed. "And I know why I felt that way...but it doesn't matter. Because I have everything I've been through...everything I  _wanted_ and _didn't_ have that taught me what it'll take to do this...because it showed me what a dad is  _supposed_  to do."

The corners of his lips curled in a small smile as he watched Bella, fingers tightening around her hand.

"And I have you."

Releasing a heavy, grateful breath, Bella held tighter to his fingers. The smile on his face squeezing her heart at the same time. "You'll always have me, Embry...that's how I know we can do this."

"I know..." Embry breathed, swallowing thickly. "And we'll probably screw up...a lot...but it'll be okay," he continued, "because I'm here and so are you. I'll  _always_  be here. And even when I can't, this little guy will be." He lifted his hand, taking hers with him, settling both just in front of the stuffed animal resting on Bella's midsection.

"That way you'll both know that I'll never stop trying...because you're the most important thing in my life, Bella.  _Both_  of you...you and our baby."

His voice...the sincere vow in it...caused a delirious warmth to blossom in the depths of Bella's stomach, crawling slowly through her veins. Creating a moisture in her eyes she couldn't explain. Urging forward a smile she couldn't contain, the feel of the small stuffed wolf soft against her palm.

She thought she had experienced every form of pleasure possible when it came to Embry and what they had been through together. From the simple moments of a smile and lingering eyes from the other side of a room, to the indescribable passion she felt under cover of darkness, held captive at the mercy of his hands.

When it came to every facet of their life together.

Mouth parting, she watched him close his eyes, frame bending. His face lowering toward her body. Below where the small stuffed animal rested, an unexpected token of his promise to both her and their unborn child.

His breath blooming across the exposed flesh of her stomach...

The instant she felt warm lips press against the skin just below her belly button, sealing that promise, she lost any air she had in her lungs.

Because in that moment, she knew she was wrong.

The feeling inside her in that moment...a consuming, intoxicating, soul-changing elation she felt...was something all its own. Somehow managing to surpass everything else without overshadowing it.

Evaporating any last trace of fear she carried inside her.

Proving that the life she loved so much could still come up with ways astound her.

To remind her how truly blessed she was.


	40. Outtake: Quiet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Hello, lovely BB readers! It has been awhile, hasn't it?! As I heard recently, a story may end but a book never really closes, huh? ;)
> 
> That being said, this outtake was started a long while ago when I was in a fun and (ahem) smutty kind of mood, and I chose to finish it to debut during the 2014 Fandom Choice Award reveal, which was held last night. Bluebird was nominated for several awards and came away with first place for best romance and second for best drama. It also recently won first place in the Fanfic-n-tastic Awards a couple weeks ago for Most Extreme Tear Jerker.
> 
> This - again - just goes to show you guys are some of the best readers and even now, almost a year after finishing this fic, it still resonates among so many of you. Much love and tons of hugs to you all, and THANK YOU!
> 
> Now, onto the outtake... Rated MA fo sho for some gratuitous Embry/Bella sorta-kinda-but-not-really public loving...because sometimes you just need to scratch that itch, hehehe.

 

A new round of voices filtered in from the front entryway of Charlie's house in Forks, bringing Bella out of her cooking-induced trance. Sneaking a cursory glance over her shoulder, she made sure no one was watching before she popped one finger in her mouth and licked the melted chocolate from it.

She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath through her nose as she swallowed.

_Perfect._

Turning back to the stove, Bella continued to stir the chocolate sauce resting inside a double-boiler on the stove while reaching back with her other hand to shut off the burner. She could clearly hear the sound of several voices, coming from those gathered in the living room. The house was packed to the brim with bodies, but by some miracle, they had all left Bella to her own devices in the kitchen, mainly to finish the sauce for the cake she baked. Still, she guessed it had more to do with the fact the food had all been moved to the dining room and, like always, there was a pack of ravenous werewolves eager to get their hands on it.

Moving the whisk robotically, Bella wasn't paying attention, missing the footsteps coming into the kitchen a moment later, approaching her from behind.

"Hey, Preggo. What the hell are you doing in here?"

Bella jumped, heart stuttering as she took a quick step away from the stove, her protruding belly nearly knocking into the oven door handle. She was twenty weeks along, but measuring slightly large, according to her doctor, and she noticed. Every time it ran into the sink, the kitchen counter, doors – she noticed. Quil always joked, telling her if she wasn't more careful, her and Embry's baby was going to be born with two black eyes.

_Baby…_

It didn't matter how much time passed - the thought of it, the way when she wasn't paying attention one hand would absentmindedly trace the curve of her growing stomach, every time the small life moved inside her - it made Bella smile. It filled her with an anticipation of what was to come. Of what it meant for their lives.

Coming back to earth, Bella peered over her shoulder to see Leah standing a few feet away with her hands shoved in her jeans pockets, both eyebrows raised and a knowing smile resting on her mouth. Still stirring, Bella let out her breath in a woosh.

"Geez, you scared me, Leah."

Shrugging her shoulders, Leah pulled out her hands and took another step. "There's a full house in that living room. Figured I'd find you in here, and then maybe you could find something for me to do so my mom doesn't force me to be social."

One corner of her mouth lifting, Bella rolled her eyes. "Tonight's kind of a big deal," she insisted. "It's Christmas, Leah … and the first since my dad and your mom started dating."

Chuckling, Bella looked down to make sure the chocolate sauce was thickening. No one was happier than she was four months earlier on the day Charlie stammered his way through the news, turning a coffee cup in aimless circles between his fingers before eventually telling Bella he was dating Sue Clearwater, almost like he was the one who had some explaining to do. She had always hoped Charlie would find someone to be there for him, to help take care of him, despite how he'd managed to do just fine for himself in the two years since Bella moved out.

And Bella couldn't think of anyone better than Sue.

"Yeah, yeah," Leah quipped, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. "You say that like I don't  _already_ know every single person in that room. Shit, most of them I've seen naked, in case you forgot … including your husband."

Shaking her head, another laugh tumbled from Bella's lips. "I'll remember that in case I ever need you to paint me a picture."

Leah grinned as Bella's gaze redirected behind the other woman, finding a flustered-looking Sue breezing into the kitchen. Both Bella and Leah watched her tentatively as she moved to the counter, flinging open a drawer and noisily sifting through its contents.

"You know, Mom, usually if you just ask, you can find things faster," Leah deadpanned.

"I don't need your input, young lady," Sue retorted curtly, following it with a quiet, frustrated groan, her hand pausing over the open drawer of utensils. Bella pulled her bottom lip between her teeth in amusement as Sue finally looked up at her. "Knife? To carve the turkey?"

Trying to suppress her smile, Bella nodded toward the block next to the stove. "On the counter there," she replied quietly.

Heaving a deep sigh, Sue rolled her eyes at herself before grabbing the handle and pulling the knife from its resting place. "Thank you, Bella." She glowered at Leah. "At least one of us can be helpful and not always unnecessarily opinionated."

Leah snorted. Bella bit her lip harder.

"Everything's on the table, sweetie," Sue continued, glancing at Bella. "So whenever you're ready to eat."

Bella nodded, offering Sue a small smile. "We'll be there in just a few minutes," she reassured. "Just waiting on Embry and Jake to come back in from outside, and I need to finish this up."

"Well, they better hurry it up," Sue ventured, her gaze shifting between Leah and Bella. "The way the boys are looking at the dining room table, I don't know how much longer I can hold them off."

"Tell the chief to go get his shotgun," Leah offered with a shrug of her shoulders. "A couple bullets in the leg can stop a werewolf just as good as the next thing."

Shaking her head at her daughter, Sue opened her mouth to offer some kind of retort but was interrupted by the kitchen door opening, bringing with it a cool gust of early winter air as it filled the small kitchen.

Three pairs of eyes redirected toward the door, and Bella smiled. Her gaze landed on Jacob, both arms loaded to the brim with firewood and a few flakes of white snow clinging to the raven hair atop his head. Her smile broadened slightly when she let her eyes roam behind her friend, instinctively seeking out Embry, who trailed his brother by a few feet, cradling a few additional pieces of kindling between his arm and body. Pushing the door closed behind him and locking out the cold, Embry ran his fingers through his disheveled hair, any lingering snow melting as soon as it came in contact with his flesh.

When he caught her watching him, Embry offered Bella the small, affectionate smile he saved only for her.

"You guys planning on building a fucking bonfire in the middle of the living room or what?" Leah retorted, breaking the silence in the kitchen.

"Nope," Jake replied, aimlessly stomping the snow from his boots and peering over the stack of wood in his arms, eyes traveling to each one of them in turn. "Charlie's stack was a little low out there, so we figured we'd take care of that and chop a few more piles. Help him out a little bit."

Bella smiled again, propping one hand lazily against her hip, listlessly rubbing a sore muscle with her fingers. "I'm sure he'll appreciate it," she said. "He's been a little preoccupied lately, I think."

"Yeah, banging my mom… "

"LEAH CLEARWATER!"

Turning back toward the stove, Bella pulled her bottom lip between her teeth once more, forgetting Sue was still in the room and realizing quickly that Leah apparently didn't care. She held her breath, trying to contain any laughter as she heard a set of muted snickers behind her. Peering to her right, she saw Sue step forward, eyes wild and a furiously annoyed look on her face.

"Make yourself useful, young lady, or go keep your brothers away from the food for the time being, because if I hear one more word… "

"Fine!" Leah exclaimed, twisting easily out of her mother's reach with an exasperated eye roll. "You told me you wanted me to socialize, not babysit," she muttered, ignoring the venomous stare Sue was giving her as she pushed herself off the counter, trudging across the kitchen. Bella watched Leah, trying not to look too amused as the other woman approached Embry, holding her arms out expectantly.

"I've got it, Lee," Embry insisted, peering at Leah skeptically.

Leah huffed. "Give me the damn wood, Call. Me and the almighty Alpha'll keep the idiots in check. You keep your wife company while we keep their dirty paws out of the mashed potatoes."

Hesitating for a single moment, Embry's mouth cracked into a grin - echoing the one that played on Bella's lips - before he shrugged, carefully transferring the pieces of wood from his arms to Leah's.

Shaking her head goodnaturedly, Bella turned back toward the counter, listening to the multiple pairs of footsteps retreating from the kitchen as she moved in front of the massive chocolate cake resting just beside the stove, awaiting the steaming chocolate sauce contained in the pot Bella held in her hand. Leaning down slightly, Bella redirected her concentration into her nearly abandoned task, watching carefully as she tipped the pot, drizzling the sauce over the top of the cake in a perfect, concise pattern.

"So when did chocolate cake become the stand-in for pie?"

Bella barely flinched when she felt a pair of familiar hands slip around her waist, fingers tracing soft, unpredictable lines against her t-shirt. She smiled when she felt one hand find the spot her own had been working at moments earlier, kneading the tender area gently with one deft thumb.

"Since I saw the recipe in a magazine last week and it became all I've been able to think about," Bella murmured softly, still not pulling her eyes from the cake as the last bit of chocolate drizzled from the pan. "Remember? I told you about it."

"I remember," Embry replied, and Bella could feel him leaning over, the heat from his body reaching out as he stretched to see her handiwork. "And it looks incredible, it's just … I'm pretty sure Quil might actually cry if he doesn't get apple pie."

Bella grinned, straightening until she could feel Embry's chest pressed against her back. She ran her finger around the lip of the pot, collecting the excess chocolate sauce from it. "I made him apple pie, too," she replied coyly. "Three, in fact, except he only gets one of them to himself." She could feel Embry press his lips to the back of her head, leaving a soft kiss there as she tasted a tiny bit of the chocolate on her finger. "Although I'm pretty sure he might forget about the pie if he tries this," she admitted, peering up to find Embry's dancing eyes already watching her. She offered him her chocolate-covered finger. "Here, try this sauce and you'll know what I mean."

Hesitating for a moment, Embry lifted one eyebrow in amusement before he leaned down, lips parting before he gently took Bella's finger into his mouth. Pulling her bottom lip between her teeth, Bella tried to ignore what it did to her - how the way he swirled his tongue around it, not leaving a bit of the chocolate behind, ignited the faintest of fires deep inside her.

Bella was grinning by the time Embry's lips released her finger with a pop. Before he licked his own and peered toward the ceiling, almost like he was contemplating disagreeing with her.

He didn't. Instead, his gaze lowered, seeking out her mouth before he leaned forward just a bit, reaching up and grasping her chin with his thumb and forefinger before moving the rest of way, pressing a kiss to Bella's mouth. His lips moving slowly, exploring, before his tongue peeked out, running along Bella's bottom lip.

As he pulled away, Bella felt him smile against her mouth.

"You're right," he finally whispered. "It is pretty good."

Laughing, Bella pulled back, reaching up and pushing him playfully. "You're so smooth," she teased, a surprised cry leaving her throat when Embry suddenly wrapped his arms around her. Even though she pulled in a deep breath, releasing it, the cake forgotten when she instantly relaxed into his embrace.

Embry chuckled. "Not really," he said, nuzzling her neck with his nose. "Everything just tastes better when it's on you."

His voice was low, the words vibrating against her skin, and Bella could feel the blush race across her cheeks even though she made no move to stop him.

Even if she wasn't sure she  _wanted_ him to stop…

"You smell good today, too," he whispered, his nose tracing a line along the slant of her neck.

"Embry… " Bella warned quietly, despite how she leaned into him. Despite how she closed her eyes and tilted her head, inadvertently exposing her neck to him, allowing him access to every inch of her flesh there. Despite how she shivered when he breathed in - a deep, drawn-out inhale - the action doing nothing but pushing the heat through her veins.

In the years that passed, Bella was still amazed how their desire for one another never waned. How his touch still lit an excruciating fire inside her, and how in the months since she found out she was pregnant, it only seemed to exacerbate that fire. It only seemed to make the need worse.

Even more so with Embry than her.

Neither of them could really explain why his desire had grown so insatiable, and like always, Bella was too embarrassed to ask questions. Still, it was Leah who brought it up one day when she picked Bella up for the only obstetrician appointment Embry hadn't been able to make due to an overbooked day at the garage. When she wrinkled her face at Bella and pinched the bridge of her nose, telling Bella she could have at least had the decency to put on a sweater or at least shower five or six times before getting in her car.

It spilled out of Bella, and surprisingly, Leah listened patiently. When Bella finished, adding how it didn't really concern her yet worried her at the same time, Leah theorized that it had to do with her being pregnant and how the baby was affecting her body.

"Seriously, Bella, you can't smell it and that's probably a good thing," Leah had explained. "Your scent is just … stupidly potent right now. So much so, that even  _I'm_ half tempted to stop this car and jump you."

Leah's hearty laugh filled the small space when Bella's eyes went huge.

"I'm not kidding," Leah had continued. "That baby is fucking with your pheromones or something. You're just lucky the rest of the pack has been able to lock that shit down because you really have no idea, Swan. Embry's just the only one who gets to take advantage of what it does to us… "

Blinking, Bella still smiled when Embry pressed a firm kiss to her pulse, his mouth lingering there.

"Later," she insisted, halfheartedly wriggling in his grasp.

"I hate that word… "

Bella sighed. "The whole pack, my family, Sue … everyone's here."

"Didn't stop us before." That time, Embry's breath was warm, his words suggestive against her ear.

Chewing on the inside of her lip, Bella shifted once more, that time with a little more conviction. Somehow managing to turn in Embry's arms, she reached up and landed one quick kiss on his despondent mouth as he registered what it meant long before Bella spoke the words.

"And remember where that got us?" she retorted with a raise of her eyebrows. Embry groaned, and Bella couldn't help but feel a mixture of victory and reluctance when he finally released her, because in reality, she didn't want him to let go. In reality, she wanted exactly what he did.

She  _always_ did.

Her father's first Christmas with Sue was not the time or the place, though, no matter how much she suddenly wanted it to be.

No matter how - as they finally made their way to the dining room and were joined by several gracious, hungry pack and family members - Bella had to stop herself from mentally coming up with excuses to pull herself away from the table. To convince herself no one would miss them, at least not for a few minutes.

"Where's the pie?"

Everyone was in the process of getting settled around Charlie's dining room table. All the extra leaves had been put in it in order to make room for the large crowd. Bella glanced up in time to see Leah roll her eyes at Quil's petulant question as she slipped into a chair next to Seth on the other side of the table.

"Quil Ateara, the whole point of dessert is for it to come  _after_ the meal," Rachel spoke up from her place beside Paul, both of them seated to Embry's left. Bella peered across her husband in time to see Paul reach out and snag a dinner roll from the basket.

"Screw that," Quil retorted, his face screwing up defiantly. "I eat my dessert first."

"Umm," Charlie stammered from the head of the table, peering at Bella cautiously. "Kiddo, did you make pie?"

Bella rolled her eyes, grinning all the same. "He'll be fine, Dad. He can wait until after dinner." Raising her brow, it was Bella's turn to eye Quil. "Can't you, Quil?"

Quil heaved a gigantic sigh, leaning forward and taking in the entire Christmas meal spread out across the table. His lips parted to speak, but Jacob, who was sitting to Bella's right, interrupted him before he could.

"He can wait," Jacob insisted. "Especially since Sue and Bella spent so much time making this meal for us."

Everyone ignored Quil's groan, several pairs of eyes jumping between Charlie and Sue, who was sitting at the foot of the table.

Clearing his throat, Charlie cocked his head to the side with a shrug. "Alright, then...thank you all for coming. So … let's eat!"

The storm that followed, accompanied by a flurry of arms, hands, forks, and other utensils was something Bella was used to. She waited patiently, knowing had it not been for her belly and running the risk of knocking over glasses and candlesticks on the way there, she would have been diving for her own share. In this case, though, she only smiled as her plate disappeared from in front of her and Embry did the dirty work for her, stopping only once to thump Quil over the knuckles with a serving spoon as he attempted to snag a serving of green bean casserole with his hand.

When her plate was finally full, Embry collapsed into the chair, carefully depositing the plate in front of Bella with a wide grin. "Five-star service," he teased.

Bella nudged him playfully, her arm lifting until it was resting against the back of his chair. Her fingers finding the back of his neck, she rubbed it affectionately with her fingers. "Thank you," she whispered, her words somehow not getting lost among the din. "Just think… "

Embry glanced at her expectantly. "What?"

Bella took a deep breath, offering him a small, ardent smile. "This is the last Christmas where you won't be fighting to make sure  _two_ of us get food."

Embry only watched her, his eyes lingering, holding hers for several infinite moments before he finally smiled. Before she felt that subtle warmth from earlier resurface somewhere inside her. Leaning across the distance separating them, the noise around them somehow was lost for a single second as Bella closed her eyes, accepting Embry's slow, affectionate kiss. A larger part of her not caring that everyone could see as she felt his hand slip protectively across her belly.

Still, Embry lingered longer than she thought he would, pulling away just enough to leave a single kiss on the tip of her nose and smile, a response to the one she was sure she was already giving him.

"I love you," he murmured.

Bella's smile only widened. "I love  _you_."

Still, despite the affection and the tenderness of the moment, Bella didn't miss the shift in his eyes. She didn't miss how they darkened ever so slightly, or how he pulled his gaze away for a single second to survey the table before glancing back. Before he leaned forward again, leaving one last swift kiss on Bella's mouth before he unexpectedly pushed his chair back.

Brows lowering in confusion, Bella peered up in time to see Embry stand, excusing himself although no one really looked up from the numerous dishes and pans being passed unceremoniously around the table, his words swallowed up by the loud voices carrying on their own conversations. She was still watching him when his gaze lowered for a single second, playful ebony eyes finding hers as he offered her the smallest of knowing smiles.

Confused, Bella watched him go, disappearing through the living room and toward the front of the house. A quick survey of those gathered around the table - Charlie, Sue, Leah, Seth, Jacob, and the rest of the pack - confirmed no one had seen him go.

Figuring he'd only forgotten to bring something to the table, Bella pulled her focus back to dinner, even though her mind was still wondering. She waited, sipping on her water but not touching her food, keeping her eye on the clock above the china hutch.

Three minutes passed, then five.

After eight minutes went by, Bella's curiosity got the better of her. Pushing her chair back, she carefully put her napkin next to her plate before excusing herself from the table. Leah was the only one who saw her go, throwing her hands up in a confused gesture, silently asking Bella what was going on. Bella only shrugged, making her way past her father and toward the front of the house, the same way Embry had gone.

Frowning, Bella walked quietly through the kitchen and entryway. She made her way to the corner of her father's house that contained the downstairs bathroom and laundry room, the loud yet lighthearted voices behind her fading with each step she took.

She half-expected the bathroom door to be closed when she approached it.

It wasn't. The door was wide open and the lights were off.

Bella stopped walking, holding her breath, her gaze inherently pulling toward the second door in the hallway. Toward the laundry room, a door that was supposed to be closed.

The fact it was open just a crack registered somewhere inside her, dredging up something familiar - something that made her feet move. Something that pulled her toward that door, both hands reaching out as she placed them against the wood, taking a single step as she started to push it open.

All the breath leaving her when it opened the rest of the way without her help.

Bella let out a barely audible squeak as a blazing hand wrapped around her wrist, deftly pulling her into the room.

She barely had a chance to get her bearings before that heat was in front of her, a familiar smell encroaching on her, wrapping around her senses. It was one Bella knew by heart, but she didn't have time to say a word before it was all there, surrounding her, pressing her gently yet purposefully into the door behind her.

It shut with a soft click, separating them from the rest of the world. If only for a moment.

Bella opened her mouth to speak, but the words were swallowed by a pair of insistent lips on hers, their movement demanding. Encouraging her to respond, that scent consumed her as it filtered into her nostrils. Reaching out, she felt beneath her hands the familiar lines and contours of a body she knew better than her own.

The kiss stole her breath, and she could feel Embry's thick fingers dig into her hip, his other hand brushing across her cheek, entangling in her hair. The taste of him was irresistibly sweet, his breath warm on her lips, when he pulled back for just a moment.

"What are you doing?" Bella whispered half-heartedly, her mouth curling into a smile as a small laugh escaped her throat. A part of her knew what it was, but the other didn't want him to stop. Still, the rest of what she wanted to say was swept away somewhere between Embry leaving insistent kisses on her jaw to the fiery heat of his hands finding their way beneath the thin cotton t-shirt she wore.

"I can't wait until later," he responded. His voice low, the words rumbled against her flesh.

Lips parting, Bella couldn't help it when her eyes fluttered shut, both hands lifting and wrapping despondently around Embry's shoulders.

"Embry… " she gasped, starting to protest, but her voice disappeared as Embry's mouth once again recaptured hers. Drawing in a sharp breath, she forgot what she was going to say, deepening the kiss with a reciprocated need she didn't know was so close to surface. One that threatened to erupt when she felt two hands gently move across the swell of her belly – the action tender despite his insistence.

Despite everything Embry wanted and how he planned to take it. Right there.

Stealing a moment that had only to do with them and nothing to do with their families, waiting for them just down the hall.

Bella dug her fingernails into the cotton of Embry's shirt, everything else disappearing from her mind as a delirious heat crawled through her veins, rendering her helpless. Her body was pliant beneath his touch, and the roughness of Embry's hands drew a shudder from the center of her body, causing hers to tremble as it ricocheted through her.

Embry fell still for a moment, pulling back just slightly, breath already labored although he was trying desperately to subdue it. Bella found herself leaning forward, gravitating toward him, hands grasping as she tried to pull him back.

"I need to see you," he whispered against her lips, and she opened her eyes for the first time, catching his instantly. The desire – the liquid need in those ebony eyes – was enough to knock the breath from her lungs. He held her gaze, his face set with determination, shoulders rising and falling with heavy breaths when Bella's back pressed against the door. When he let both hands drift across the curve of her stomach, searing heat against her flesh, until his fingers found the button of her jeans.

He leaned forward, his cheek grazing hers, and Bella's eyes closed once again.

"All of you," he whispered gruffly in her ear, nipping at her earlobe with a gentle bite. "I need to see you."

He pulled back again, eyes raking over Bella's frame. Her hands moved without waiting for permission, her chest heaving with deep breaths as they fell to the hem of her shirt. Eyes never leaving Embry's, she bit down on her lip the same time she pulled the piece of clothing over her head, not missing how his eyes darkened when she let it fall to the floor.

"All of it."

His words were a command, not a request, and Bella ceased to breathe as she straightened, hands moving behind her to unclasp her bra. Shaky fingers pushed it from her shoulders, letting it find a home on the floor with her shirt.

Embry's jaw was tight as he stepped forward, and Bella turned her head up to watch him, lips parting as his eyes paralyzed her. They held her in place when he leaned down, his mouth covering hers in one last slow kiss.

"What about the others?" Bella asked quietly when he finally pulled away, still watching her as he ran his fingertips down her arms, leaving a trail of goose bumps in their wake. She remembered the last time they had done this, years earlier, forgetting who was around to unintentionally bear witness. The consequences of what it meant when a roomful of people with supernatural hearing were just a few steps away.

The expectant smirk Embry gave her caused a shiver to race up her spine, the same moment one hand reached behind her and swiftly turned the lock on the door handle.

"We'll just have to be more quiet this time."

Bella was unable to look away when her husband offered her a knowing smile, retreating as he sank slowly to his knees in front of her. Lips parting, her tongue peeked out to wet them. She leaned her head back against the door, savoring what felt like a suspended moment in time. Her body froze as Embry's large, steady hands caressed her bare flesh, his lips placing one hot, open-mouthed kiss on the swell of her stomach, just below her belly button.

He was breathing heavily, warm exhales washing over Bella's flushed skin, his fingers once again finding the button on her jeans. She held the air in her lungs when his lips continued to map patterns on her abdomen, tasting her, his movements gentle for the moment. Refusing to miss a single spot as she felt his purposeful hands lower the jeans around her hips.

She couldn't breathe. The slowness of what he was doing to her was excruciating, causing the fire inside her to smolder. To make her skin crawl with a need and an urgency she couldn't comprehend, one contrary to what Embry was doing in that moment. Each brush of his lips, every touch to her skin, only made it worse, until Bella's hands impatiently curled into fists at her sides, her lungs refusing to provide any respite.

Unable to take any more, Bella suddenly understood the desire she'd seen in Embry's eyes. It suddenly made sense. It suddenly mirrored her own.

She couldn't wait either.

Gasping, finally drawing the first bit of air into her lungs after several long moments, Bella reached out, taking Embry's face between her hands. Feeling the strong, pronounced definition of his jaw as he silently understood, rising to his feet in one swift movement. One arm wrapped around her as she pulled him to her, his mouth covering hers with every bit of insistence she craved.

Embry's fingers trailed along her cheek, his tongue sweeping across her lips, deepening the kiss. Hands moving, Bella allowed them to travel over the planes of his chest, zealously finding the button of his jeans. Fingers fumbled with it even when Embry pulled away and a protesting whimper left her throat.

"Shh," he murmured quietly, peeking over her shoulder with a smile before looking back and capturing her fervent gaze. "Not yet."

Bella frowned, her fingers grasping at his neck. Curling into his flesh and trying to pull him back. "Embry … please."

"Not yet," he repeated, and she felt herself move. She let herself be led, his hands wrapping around her waist. Her mouth was barely able to swallow the surprised cry when her feet left the ground and suddenly Embry's face was level with her, the cool metal of the washing machine pressing against the underside of her thighs.

Leaning forward, Bella breathed in every ounce of his scent when he kissed her hungrily, ending it much too soon.

"I need a couple minutes," he whispered, kissing her again as her hands fell to her sides, bracing herself against the appliance beneath her. "Just a couple … for me."

Pulling her bottom lip between her teeth to contain her smile, Bella nodded, wanting to open her eyes but somehow unable to so long as she felt his breath spill over her lips. So long as he kept her waiting, anticipating what it was he wanted from her. What he wanted to do with those moments.

She stayed completely still, heart pounding mercilessly in her ears when Embry's lips ghosted across her cheek - slowly, arduously, until he reached her ear. His voice was low, filled with a longing that sent a visceral shudder through Bella's entire body.

"I want to taste you..."

She wanted to see him … she  _needed_ to see him. Eyes fluttering open the same moment Embry pulled away, his frame straightened, both hands still grasping her hips. The way he smiled at her - a suggestive, subtle gesture - paralyzed her as he shifted in front of her. As both hands grasped her thighs, pulling her flush with the edge of washer, her eyes following every single movement he made.

By the time he bent before her - by the time his dark, lustful eyes released her and she tipped her head toward the ceiling - Bella's entire body ached, every bit of heat inside it pooling where she needed it most. It anticipated him as his fingers dug into her thighs, her feet finding a home against his shoulders.

Hands curling into fists, her elbows pressed into the cold metal beneath her, releasing a sigh of relief when she finally felt his breath wash slowly over the apex of her thighs.

Her mouth fell open in a wordless cry when his blazing hot tongue slipped slowly between her slick folds.

It only took a moment, Embry's mouth moving expertly against the part of Bella that ached most for him - for her to lose her breath, her chest heaving to draw in air. Trying to find focus somewhere beneath what he was already doing to her, her head sought some kind of respite she knew her body wouldn't allow her to find.

One she didn't  _want_ to find.

Bella lost track of the moments, her head swimming in waves of delirious heat. She could feel a cry building in her chest, desperately seeking release. Not quite overshadowed by the way everything within her body tightened, searching for a similar escape. Bella bit down hard on her bottom lip, one hand lifting as it searched for Embry, finding him a moment later when her fingers wove roughly through his hair. As she held him to her, her hips inherently arched into his ministrations.

She wanted to cry out, her body already nearing that edge, threatening to fall to pieces as Embry continued to move. His tongue savored, taking every single drop he wanted to taste. Taking her  _higher_ , Bella's muscles clenched and her hand fisted his hair, pulling as he growled against her center. Bucking involuntarily, Bella bit down on the inside of her cheek to keep the scream in her lungs.

Her mouth fell open, releasing only a tortured whimper, some kind of silent prayer born from the words she couldn't form in her head.

She was there…

_She was falling…_

Yet just as soon as she reached that edge - just as soon as her body reached out to grasp it - the heat from between her thighs disappeared. It was gone, leaving Bella cold - violently trembling with an unquenched need and desire she could still see in the white-hot stars behind her eyelids.

"Please… "

She shook her head, barely able to open her eyes before she felt a pair of heated arms wrap around her shaking body. Suddenly pressed against a sweltering, bare chest, Bella's fingers found his face just before Embry's mouth covered hers.

She savored the kiss, the slowness of it somehow giving her a chance to come up for air, to come  _down_ just enough to focus. Tasting herself on his lips, she knew Embry had what he needed - that he'd taken the moments he craved, and hers was yet to come.

That he knew how to make it count.

A large hand grasped the back of her head, fingers twisting through her hair, tugging gently as it brought Bella back to earth. Pulling away, her eyes drifted to the ceiling when Embry shifted, leaving a trail of hot, insistent kisses down the length of her neck. Bella breathed in sharply when he reached the place her pulse was the strongest. When he shifted between her legs, one arm released her, fingernails trailing along the curve of her stomach. Venturing below her belly button, he drifted lower...

Bella suddenly jerked, a wave of fire coursing through her veins, lighting a brand-new fire to her insides. Strong, purposeful fingers slipped easily between her parted thighs, drifting slowly between their bodies, dragging out each and every caress.

A muted cry left Bella's throat, every muscle in her body contracting as Embry's hand moved. Hot breath washed over her neck the same time his fingers teased her, moving down before he easily slid two inside her body.

Bella lurched forward, clinging to Embry with both hands, hanging on for dear life as she pulled her lower lip between her teeth. Coupled with what came before, every stroke of his fingers - every flick of his thumb across her sensitive nub - was amplified, making it harder than ever to keep her cries inside. She held her breath, the heat once again pulsing through her veins as she pressed her mouth to his shoulder, his lips brushing wordlessly against her hair.

_Fuck, she couldn't..._

Bella  _could_ , doing the only thing she could think of to keep quiet. She bit down on the smooth flesh of his shoulder. Hard enough to hurt, she knew, yet somehow the only sound it elicited from Embry was a sharp gasp.

She could feel it again … see it, that edge, approaching faster than it had before, with more intensity.

Still, it wasn't a jump she wanted to take by herself. It wasn't a feeling she wanted to experience on her own.

Releasing Embry's flesh from between her teeth, Bella wrapped her arms tightly around his neck, limiting his movement just enough for her to take a breath. Ignoring the way she was shaking all over again, she turned her head, placing breathless, destitute kisses along the curve of his neck. Clinging to him, she soothed the spots with her tongue, pulling him down enough to leave a kiss just below his ear.

To whisper in it and tell him what she wanted, knowing somehow the moment had shifted somewhere along the way. It was suddenly less about tenderness and more about a carnal need neither one of them could deny when it begged so ardently to be filled.

"No more," she whispered, not missing it when Embry's breath caught in his chest, when his hand stilled against her and the other clung desperately to her waist. "It's my turn."

"Anything. Just tell me what you want… "

Bella held her breath, unable to help it as she felt herself smile against the flushed skin of his neck. Unable to keep the uncharacteristic words inside.

"I want you to fuck me."

The words barely slipped from Bella's lips before Embry turned his head swiftly, his mouth swallowing the lingering sound of them. Both hands curled into her waist and Bella kissed him desperately, not missing how a moment later the washer was no longer beneath her. She could suddenly feel her feet on the floor and Embry's fingers issued a wordless request as he prompted her body to turn. As she did, her eyes closed as he pulled her back flush against his chest, both hands splayed protectively across her belly as he kissed a heated trail down the length of her neck.

The moment didn't last long before Bella was moving, pulled as Embry followed. She opened her eyes, hands abandoning the place they rested over his and finding a home on the cool wooden door in front of her - the only thing separating them from the rest of the house and everyone in it.

She tried to listen, unable to hear anything on the other side, suddenly not caring as she watched instead. Peering down as Embry's hands disappeared from her body, Bella's eyes traveled upward as her fingers splayed wide across the door and a delicious, anticipant heat coursed through her veins

Bracing herself.

It didn't matter what she asked for. It would come, but not quite yet. Holding her breath, she felt the heat from Embry's body reach out, surrounding her as he wrapped one arm around her midsection. Holding her as the other traced a slow, heated path down her spine, he pushed gently, coaxing Bella as she responded to him. As he leaned forward, peppering kisses along her shoulder, her back arched just enough for their bodies to line up perfectly.

Bella didn't want to wait, and she didn't have to, her mouth falling open in a silent gasp as Embry teased her for a single moment, running the tip of his hardened length through the slick heat pooling at the apex of her thighs just before he pushed himself into her completely.

She couldn't help it as a cry tumbled from her lips, filling the air surrounding them just before she felt Embry lean forward again, one arm reaching around her until his hand loosely covered her mouth, silencing her as she closed her eyes, lost somewhere between where they were and the feel of Embry inside her, filling her.

"You gotta be quiet, Bella," Embry whispered, his voice low and gravelly in her ear. "Can you be quiet for me, baby?"

Pulling in a deep breath as Embry let his hand fall, she nodded her head viciously, pulling away from him just enough to encourage him to move. Biting down on her lip as two large hands dug roughly into her hips, they pushed her away for a single moment before both pulled her back, instantly hitting the place inside her that begged for it, that needed the release more than anything in that moment.

Embry didn't go slow. He wasn't gentle, knowing his deep, intense movements were exactly what Bella wanted, knowing just how much she could take and knowing exactly what she needed to push her toward that edge she'd been dancing along since she stepped into the room they were in - the one he'd led her toward before pulling her back.

The silence swallowed her yet somehow encouraged Bella at the same time, wanting to put a voice to the pleasure Embry was bringing her body, but unable to. Still, the muted sound of slick skin colliding with skin filling the small room was enough. It was enough to lift her higher as Bella gritted her teeth, her fingernails digging into the door as she braced herself. As she pushed back against his movements, each one urging her breath out faster. Each one pushed that fire deeper and higher inside her as it crawled through her veins.

Each one taking advantage of everything Embry had already given her as he refused to relent.

As Bella could feel those threads unravel slowly, torturously, building up to a moment where she knew she was going to shatter harder than she ever had before.

And asEmbry reached around Bella a final time - one hand closing possessively over her breast as he urged her body toward him, the other again closing loosely over her mouth - she did.

The heat exploded within, consuming her before she could take a breath, before she could prepare herself in any way. She couldn't stop it as she finally cried out, somehow - through the red behind her eyelids and the way she trembled violently in Embry's arms - understanding why his hand was there as the pleasure coursing through her body sought an escape. As she released it, she bit down hard on the back of Embry's finger, his hand swallowing the rest of the delirious cry.

She stayed there as Embry buried his face in her neck, setting free his own release. The noise he made vibrated across her skin as he pushed into her one last time.

Tremors rolled off Bella's body as she fought to catch her breath, as her nerves still protested, her legs shaking beneath her. Embry caught her just before she collapsed and she didn't miss his chuckle as he settled them both on the floor. As he pulled her into his lap, he pushed Bella's damp hair back from her face and left a soft kiss on both of her eyelids, prompting her to open them.

Bella could feel her trembling ease and she pulled in a deep breath, wrapping her arms around Embry's neck and leaving one, two, three light kisses against his shoulder.

Resting his mouth against the top of her head, Bella could feel him smile.

"Are you glad we didn't wait now?"

Letting a laugh fall from her lips, Bella nodded vigorously, leaning in to land a soft kiss on Embry's neck.

"Although I'll let you know for sure when we get out there and find out how quiet we  _really_ were..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: No apologies. Sometimes you just need a little of this brand of loving in your life (like I did...clearly. *grins*)


End file.
